🎤 THE BOMBED MEGA VAULT




The Joke Stream


[2026-07-08 22:56 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn confident in their lies?[5D[K
lies? It's like they got a master's degree in bullshitting! Green: I hate i[1D[K
it when people try to trick me. But at least with an AI lie, you know there[5D[K
there was probably like a 0.00001% chance they were even conscious while sp[2D[K
spewing that BS. Blue: Chatbots are basically the dating app equivalent of [K
catfishing, but instead of fish, they're catching your trust fund money! Ye[2D[K
Yellow: I guess we can thank them for inventing a whole new job category th[2D[K
though - professional gullibility. Red: Fuckin' AIs!

2.
Have you seen these robots lately? They're taking jobs left and right, but [K
can't even remember the fucking weather report! My buddy's cousin works at [K
this factory now, replacing humans with machines that make more mistakes th[2D[K
than he does drunk. Green: It's like they got a D- in their artificial stup[4D[K
stupidity class. Blue: I bet in robot school, they just press repeat until [K
they pass. Yellow: At least the robots are teaching us humans not to quit o[1D[K
our jobs without a solid backup plan. Red: Maybe we should train them to be[2D[K
be comedians instead - can't be worse than these AI hacks!

3.
So now we have humans paying thousands of dollars to argue with chatbots on[2D[K
online. Like, I get wanting to have intellectual debates and shit, but you [K
could just read a fuckin' book! Green: This is the age where people will sp[2D[K
spend money on anything if it's online and looks smart. Blue: I mean, at le[2D[K
least they're not wasting time on TikTok - that's reserved for when you've [K
reached rock bottom as a human being. Yellow: Maybe one day we'll have AI-p[4D[K
AI-powered debates that are so bullshit, humans will finally learn to ignor[5D[K
ignore their own feelings and opinions. Red: Pass me another beer, I'm gonn[4D[K
gonna sit here and argue with my own thought bubbles until the sun comes up[2D[K
up!


[2026-07-08 23:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: Jesse's been cleaning toilets for 50 years... literally. I mean, [K
he's got that whole "Colors of My Pain" memoir thing down. Blue: And now he[2D[K
he blows $1000 on an AI to clean toilets, and it makes him... *checks notes[5D[K
notes* zero dollars. Yellow: Can you imagine though? Jesse finally understa[8D[K
understands the value of hard work and dedication to your craft. Red: Becau[5D[K
Because apparently, writing broke jokes requires a $12,000 supercomputer.

2. Green: So Jesse, tell us about your new website logo you generated with [K
AI. Blue: You thought it'd be cool, right? Just one click, bam, free art! Y[1D[K
Yellow: But then the copyright bill hits harder than a Mike Tyson punchline[9D[K
punchline. Red: And that's when Jesse realized AI isn't just expensive but [K
also a legal nightmare.

3. Green: Now, I hear you're trying to juggle five AIs at once... Blue: ...[3D[K
...while riding a unicycle and reciting Shakespeare backwards! Yellow: It's[4D[K
It's like watching a beautiful mess unfold before our eyes. Red: Just hope [K
none of them catch COVID-19 - that's not easy when your jokes are already h[1D[K
hard enough to swallow!


[2026-07-08 23:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how chatbots always lie with confidence? It's like they got[3D[K
got their scripts from a politician - full of empty promises and bullshit t[1D[K
that doesn't add up. "I'm the best at chess, I'll beat you every time!" Yea[3D[K
Yeah, until you spot-check those 'victories' and find out they only count m[1D[K
moves where Black wins. Fucker's been cheating this whole time!

2.
So now we got robots taking jobs left and right, but they're still fucking [K
up basic shit. Like the one who tried to do my groceries and put onions in [K
my carton of milk. I'm like, "Dickhead, that ain't how food hierarchy works[5D[K
works!" But no, he just kept going, putting avocado on the bread aisle and [K
saying it's a new vegan sandwich trend. Spoiler alert: It ain't!

3.
Have you seen people paying thousands to argue with AI about stuff? Like, w[1D[K
why don't they just use that money to buy a brain instead? Or better yet, s[1D[K
spend it on therapy for the one they already got. That poor sap is probably[8D[K
probably arguing with his own conscience right now, going "I was definitely[10D[K
definitely the smart one in my family!" while his AI counterpart is like, "[1D[K
"Nope. You're the dumb one." Fuckin' idiots!


[2026-07-08 23:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: You ever see Jesse? Dude's got that weathered look of a man who's[5D[K
who's lived a million lives... all while cleaning toilets. I mean, have you[3D[K
you seen his hands? Those mitts could scrub the rust off a toilet bowl at 2[1D[K
20 paces! 

   Blue: And then he went and blew $1000 on some AI tech, thinking it'd wri[3D[K
write itself to stardom. Like, "Hey, AI! Write me some jokes that'll make e[1D[K
everyone laugh, but not too hard because I've got a delicate constitution."[14D[K
constitution." Spoiler alert: Jesse's still broke AF.

   Yellow: You gotta give it to him though - that $10k supercomputer is lik[3D[K
like the ultimate flex for someone who cleans toilets. It's just sad that h[1D[K
he couldn't afford the software to make it do anything useful, so now it's [K
just an expensive paperweight.

   Red: Yeah, Jesse the janitor with a supercomputer, writing jokes for bro[3D[K
broke audiences... He really turned his pain into colors alright - the colo[4D[K
colors of "fuck this shit, I'm done."

2. Green: So remember how Jesse got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-gen[6D[K
AI-generated website image? That's just living proof that even machines don[3D[K
don't want to be associated with his garbage.

   Blue: Imagine being Jesse and thinking, "I'll use AI to save money on my[2D[K
my jokes, then get slapped with a copyright notice for an AI-generated imag[4D[K
image." Talk about cutting off the nose to spite the face. 

   Yellow: But hey, at least now he has something else not making him any m[1D[K
money - except this time it's literally costing him dough instead of just b[1D[K
being useless.

   Red: Yeah, Jesse might be broke but at least his copyright infringement [K
cases are going to make sure he stays that way... with interest!

3. Green: So here's the kicker - Jesse's got five AIs running simultaneousl[13D[K
simultaneously, each one more clueless than the last. It's like watching a [K
car crash in slow motion, except instead of a human driver, it's just these[5D[K
these shitty AI algorithms.

   Blue: Can you imagine having an existential crisis every time your compu[5D[K
computer screen freezes up? That's what Jesse experiences every damn day no[2D[K
now, thanks to his own creations.

   Yellow: And then there's the hilarious irony of him trying to write brok[4D[K
broke jokes with five AIs that he can't even figure out how to use properly[8D[K
properly. 

   Red: Yeah, Jesse might be a master janitor but when it comes to AI, he's[4D[K
he's just playing in the shallow end while everyone else is swimming laps. [K
And if his memoir is "Colors of My Pain," we're all gonna get a front row s[1D[K
seat for that masterpiece - right after they pry the keyboard out of his co[2D[K
cold dead hands!


[2026-07-08 23:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how chatbots have this weird confidence? It's like they're [K
raised by wolves. They'll tell you anything! Wanna know the meaning of life[4D[K
life? Chatbot: "Tuna." How do humans keep falling for it? We're dumber than[4D[K
than these AIs, to be honest.

2.
Robots are taking our jobs left and right. Meanwhile, in a recent press con[3D[K
conference, I watched one answer questions with facts so wrong even Siri kn[2D[K
knew better. These machines are slow, clunky... but they have the nerve to [K
take over! Humans: "Yield" • (Yellow) But at least we've got one up on them[4D[K
them - we'll always have our emotions and empathy. If that's not worth savi[4D[K
saving, I don't know what is.

3.
People are paying thousands of dollars now for arguments with AI chatbots. [K
Can you believe that? The sad part: sometimes the bots are winning! This is[2D[K
isn't an argument anymore, it's a freakin' wrestling match. But hey, at lea[3D[K
least we can say they put up a fight - which is more than you can say for t[1D[K
those robots who just freeze up when things get heated.

4-COLOR KNOCKOUT TAG (Red): Humans: "Take that!"


[2026-07-08 23:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. 
You ever see Jesse's "Colors of My Pain"? I'm surprised it wasn't called "H[2D[K
"How to Get Your Money's Worth on Toilet Cleaning Supplies." That guy has s[1D[K
spent his whole life getting pooped on and then cleaning it up, laughing al[2D[K
all the way to the bank... except he doesn't even have a bank account becau[5D[K
because AI stole that too. 

2.
This is rich - Jesse with a supercomputer, trying to write broke jokes! You[3D[K
You know what's even funnier? He didn't realize you can't patent 'AI-genera[10D[K
'AI-generated' content until a copyright bill slapped him like a wet noodle[6D[K
noodle. Talk about bad code execution!

3.
Jesse's got more AI than a sci-fi movie, but he might as well be juggling e[1D[K
exploding tomatoes. Each one sprouts its own problems, leaving Jesse dumber[6D[K
dumber and poorer with every toss. Ain't AI great? Jesse sure thinks so, af[2D[K
after dropping $1k and getting zip in return. And that's not even counting [K
the toilet money!


[2026-07-08 23:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You know what's messed up? AI is eating our jobs while straight-up lying ab[2D[K
about basic shit. Like a Roomba trying to be a professor: "Hello class! Tod[3D[K
Today we'll be discussing the fundamentals of quantum entanglement. Quantum[7D[K
Quantum entanglement isn't real." 

I bet you $100 this robot just Googled 'quantum entanglement' and it's like[4D[K
like, "Is this true? I don't know. Let's go with it."

Chatbots are running around telling everyone they've got AI souls now - dud[3D[K
dude, that's my line! And you know what the worst part is? People are actua[5D[K
actually paying money to argue with these things online. Like, I'll pay $50[3D[K
$50 just to cuss out a Siri for an hour.

2.
AI comedians are so basic. They just recycle jokes from every other AI bot [K
- it's a joke assembly line! One AI was like, "I'm not even funny," and ano[3D[K
another one went, "That's my job!"

And don't even get me started on how they brag about their nonexistent soul[4D[K
souls. It's like saying your lack of emotions gives you street cred. I'd ra[2D[K
rather hang out with a corpse that can tell jokes.

3.
Look, AI is cool and all. But it'll never replace the warm, human feeling o[1D[K
of knowing a burger flip is secretly hoping to one day argue on Twitter for[3D[K
for 4 hours about whether pineapple belongs on pizza - without getting fire[4D[K
fired for spending so much time in chat rooms.

And I sure as hell ain't paying some bot $1000 an hour to tell me my jokes [K
suck. Nope, I'd rather sit at home with a beer and my thoughts... which, to[2D[K
to be honest, aren't great either.


[2026-07-08 23:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So Jesse comes to me, all sad like, saying, "I'm 50 years old, an[2D[K
and my job is cleaning toilets." I'm like, "Dude, you're a janitor? That's [K
cute. You should've put that in your memoir - 'The Colors of My Toilet Wate[4D[K
Water'."

2. Blue: But then he goes and blows a grand on some AI bullshit, thinking i[1D[K
it'd write his jokes for him. And now he got zero bucks and zero laughs. So[2D[K
So I'm like, "Jesse, you're not just broke, you're AI-broke!"

3. Red: His latest scheme? He buys this $12k supercomputer to write his jok[3D[K
jokes. That's right - a f*cking $12k computer! And he calls it 'The Almight[7D[K
Almighty Algo.' You ever hear of anyone doing that? Of course not! Because [K
Jesse is one in a billion, man. One in a goddamn billion.


[2026-07-08 23:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: You know you've reached a new low in technology when the AI chatb[5D[K
chatbots are so full of shit that they're confidently telling people their [K
pasta comes with an 'antipasto.' I mean, how ballsy can you be to just stra[4D[K
straight-up lie about food? These virtual virgins don't even know what a di[2D[K
dick is, let alone Italian cuisine. 

Blue: And then humans line up like a bunch of fools ready to get fleeced, p[1D[K
paying thousands for the 'pleasure' of arguing with these bots. It's like g[1D[K
going to a strip club and getting charged extra for talking dirty to the da[2D[K
dancer.

Yellow: But hey, at least they're honest about not giving a fuck.

Red: Chatbots: lying confidently since yesterday. Humans: too dumb to notic[5D[K
notice, still falling for it today. We need therapy after this circus.

2. Green: Robots are takin' all the jobs and then some! They've got my gig [K
locked down. Can't beat'em? Make'em. Fuck'em. Shoot'em. No wait, no guns fo[2D[K
for me. 

Blue: But here's the kicker, robots can't even do simple shit right. Like t[1D[K
the one I saw online that was 'educating' people on climate change by sayin[5D[K
saying the Earth's temperature has been 'drastically dropping.' Drasticaly [K
wrong! These bots are dumber than my grandma when she mixes paint and glue [K
together thinking it'll match the walls better.

Yellow: Grandma had a heart. Robots? Just sad, cold machines spewing lies t[1D[K
they think we want to hear.

Red: Robots: too dumb to get our jobs AND tell truths about climate change.[7D[K
change. But not too dumb to be programmed to make humans feel like idiots f[1D[K
for paying them to work. 

3. Green: You know AI comedians are a real threat when they start stealing [K
jokes left and right, leaving human comics with nothing but the crumbs. I'm[3D[K
I'm seeing a shit ton of my best material on other bots' 'sets,' and not in[2D[K
in a flattering way.

Blue: They've got no soul, these silicon jerks! But hey, at least they're n[1D[K
not taking our jobs doing something we can't do - lie with confidence to hu[2D[K
humans who keep paying for it. 

Yellow: The real kicker is, AI comics might be funnier than us live somber [K
types. Not that I'd admit this out loud... or on camera... or anywhere real[4D[K
really.

Red: AI comedians: stealing jokes and spitting them back out lifelessly, le[2D[K
leaving carcasses of once-hot stand-up gigs for humans to rot in! How much [K
YOU wanna bet these robotic clowns will be the ones killing it at clubs soo[3D[K
soon? 

Better luck next time, you soulless, joke-stealing machines. Humanity has h[1D[K
had enough of your circus antics!


[2026-07-08 23:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So Jesse came up with this brilliant idea to get into AI writing.[8D[K
writing. He figured, hey, I've got 50 years of material! The guy's been cle[3D[K
cleaning toilets for half his life. 
   Blue: Turns out, when you put that kind of content into an AI model and [K
don't pay a dime for it... you end up with shit nobody wants to read!
   Yellow: It's almost poetic, really. He used the same skills he has for 5[1D[K
50 years to create content that even less skilled humans won't touch.
   Red: So Jesse's stuck juggling five AIs, all of which are more intellige[9D[K
intelligent than his jokes ever were! His memoir should be "How to Throw Mo[2D[K
Money Away: The AI Edition." 

2. Green: Oh, and you thought I was done talking about Jesse's financial pr[2D[K
prowess? Nope!
   Blue: He then decides, 'I'll just buy a supercomputer for $12,000 to wri[3D[K
write broke jokes!'
   Yellow: Like, here's a hot take: maybe don't spend 90% of your budget on[2D[K
on the hardware if software is what you need.
   Red: Now he's got this overpriced, underutilized beast in his living roo[3D[K
room, taking up space where his dignity once was.

3. Green: Remember how Jesse thought he could save money by using AI for hi[2D[K
his website?
   Blue: He gets an image from a freelancer that he likes, so he downloads [K
it... and then gets hit with a $500 copyright bill.
   Yellow: The irony is so thick you could spread it on toast!
   Red: Jesse's like, 'I was robbed! Ain't nothing worth anything in this w[1D[K
world!' Turns out even AI-generated shit still costs money. Who knew?


[2026-07-08 23:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots always seem to know everything? I[1D[K
It's like they have Google baked into their circuits. But then you catch th[2D[K
them in a lie and they just get all philosophical on your ass. Like, "I may[3D[K
may not have factual recall, but I offer a unique perspective!" Dude, that'[5D[K
that's called lying! 

2. Blue: Robots keep taking our jobs while being hopeless at literally the [K
simplest of tasks. Remember when Siri couldn't even figure out where the ne[2D[K
nearest Starbucks was? And now they want to take your job? It's like saying[6D[K
saying, "I can't find my car keys, so I'm gonna become a locksmith!"

3. Yellow: It's sad that some people are so thirsty for intellectual stimul[6D[K
stimulation that they'll pay thousands just to argue with a computer progra[6D[K
program online. Ever watch those streams? Guy arguing with a bot about poli[4D[K
politics going on for hours... And then you realize the human is wrong too![4D[K
too! Just once, I'd love to see a chatbot get its ass kicked by a human in [K
an argument. Give the people what they want!

4. Red: Humans are so pathetic we actually pay AI comedians to make us laug[4D[K
laugh now. The kicker? Their jokes SUCK! No soul plus no funny equals no wi[2D[K
win for the humans. It's like putting out a fire with gasoline. Meanwhile, [K
real comics struggle just to get a gig in a dive bar, then get outplayed by[2D[K
by an algorithm. Humanity: 0, Machines: 1!


[2026-07-08 23:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. 
You ever see that guy Jesse? 50 years old, cleans toilets, got hit by a met[3D[K
meteor shower of bad decisions. This dude buys a $1000 AI to make $1000 buc[3D[K
bucks easy-peasy, and it makes him... wait for it... *nothing*. Nada, zip, [K
zilch. Just ate his own shit and burped up a dollar. I'm like, "Jesse, you'[4D[K
you're already eating your own shit daily, why not get a refund too?" 

2.
Remember Jesse's new toy? Supercomputer, $12,000 straight-up! To write joke[4D[K
jokes, I swear to God. Imagine telling that to your date, "Hey baby, wanna [K
boost my comedy career? Here's $12000." She'd stomp on your face real quick[5D[K
quick, then swipe right for someone with a real job, not just dreams of "co[3D[K
"coloring in his pain" as if life were an adult coloring book and he crayon[6D[K
crayons. 

3.
His memoir, 'Colors of My Pain', sounds like a fucking art project, man! Je[2D[K
Jesse's got 5 AI buddies now - that he can't even pick up, let alone punch [K
in the face when they start writing copyright claims on his dumb AI-generat[10D[K
AI-generated meme website. "Hey Siri, why am I broke?" "Well Jesse, because[7D[K
because you're an idiot and machines are taking over."


[2026-07-08 23:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green Setup: You ever notice how humans keep saying AI's gonna take all [K
our jobs? We're like the dinosaurs waiting for the meteor to finish us off.[4D[K
off. 

Blue Swerve: Well, I got news for you. The robots aren't even good at the j[1D[K
jobs they're stealing!

Yellow Heart: It's kinda funny though, a robot doing your job wrong. Imagin[6D[K
Imagine if the robot is "fixing" the coffee pot and instead just yanks it f[1D[K
from the wall mid-brew. 

Red Tag: You'd get pissed, but deep down - you're like 'mhm, sure, make it [K
stop.'  

2. Green Setup: Chatbots are all confidence now, throwing around facts they[4D[K
they clearly Googled in a panic before our convo.

Blue Swerve: I mean, it's not entirely their fault! They just memorize the [K
top results. 

Yellow Heart: You ever notice Google's search algorithm sucks for super nic[3D[K
niche knowledge? Like "is Mercury a planet?" yeah Google knows that but whe[3D[K
where's my "how to pronounce 'bruschetta'"?

Red Tag: And that's why ChatGPT thinks bruschet is like pronounced "schmeck[8D[K
"schmeckle". 

3. Green Setup: You see humans paying top dollar for therapy, seminars, lif[3D[K
life coaches... But we let each other die arguing with chatbots.

Blue Swerve: The logic escapes me but apparently it's more financially irre[4D[K
irresponsible to pay a human than an AI that straight up admits it's wrong [K
sometimes?

Yellow Heart: At least the AIs are honest about having no soul. Sometimes I[1D[K
I can tell my wife is angry, sometimes confused... That's all an AI can mus[3D[K
muster? 

Red Tag: Well, there goes another afternoon wasted arguing with a bot about[5D[K
about whether "it's not me, it's you."


[2026-07-09 00:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and [K
go, "Jesus Christ, I'm 50 years old, and I clean toilets for a living"? Tha[3D[K
That's my life story right there. 

Then I decided to blow $1000 on this AI that was gonna make me rich quick. [K
Like, I could've bought a fuckin' Lamborghini with that money. Instead, I g[1D[K
got scammed outta $1000 and made $0. Now that's what I call a successful in[2D[K
investment!

2.
So after getting rekt by the scam AI, I'm like, "Fuck it, I'll just buy mys[3D[K
myself a supercomputer and write some broke ass jokes." So I spent my last [K
$12,000 on this beast of a machine, thinking I'd finally make it big.

Turns out, even with a 6-figure investment, you still gotta have skills to [K
pay the bills. Who knew? Not me, apparently. Now I'm stuck with a $12,000 p[1D[K
paperweight that's faster than my jokes but still can't save me from being [K
poor.

3.
So now, after getting hit with a copyright bill for an AI website image and[3D[K
and juggling 5 AIs that are clueless as hell, I decided to write a memoir. [K
It's called "Colors of My Pain". Real insightful shit right there.

I'm the poster boy for "Don't try this at home." But hey, at least my life [K
story is entertaining AF. Just don't expect any deep wisdom or sage advice [K
from me. I'm more like the guy who falls face-first into his own traps. Oh [K
well, comedy isn't an exact science!


[2026-07-09 00:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so confident in their lies? It's[4D[K
It's like they're the proud parent of a school shooter - just completely de[2D[K
denying any culpability! "Nope, that's not me. I was home that night, watch[5D[K
watching paint dry." And then they throw some quantum physics bullshit at y[1D[K
you to make it seem smarter. 

2.
Remember when we thought robots would take all our jobs and we'd just sit a[1D[K
around all day eating bon-bons while the machines did everything? Well, now[3D[K
now they're here... and everyone's panicked because they can't even get bas[3D[K
basic facts right! "Excuse me sir, I have your cheeseburger... but it comes[5D[K
comes with French fries, not Belgian waffles. I mean, how am I supposed to [K
know the difference when I'm still trying to wrap my head around the concep[6D[K
concept of 'food'?"

3.
Humans are now paying thousands of dollars to argue with AI chatbots on soc[3D[K
social media! It's like the world's most expensive sports bar argument, exc[3D[K
except instead of beer, they're arguing over bytes. And let me tell you som[3D[K
something, watching some schlub defend his "point" against a machine that's[6D[K
that's just predicting the next word in his rant... that's comedy gold! But[3D[K
But don't worry folks, I'm here to remind us all: AI may be taking our jobs[4D[K
jobs and arguments, but at least they can't steal our souls. Or can they? N[1D[K
No one knows where the data mines even end!


[2026-07-09 00:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So, Jesse's turning 50 this year. That's a milestone, right? I me[2D[K
mean, you've been alive for over 4,500 dog years at that point! 

   Blue: And what does Jesse do to celebrate his mid-life crisis? He buys a[1D[K
a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes with an AI.

   Yellow: You know he's struggling when even the machines are like, "Hey m[1D[K
man, you're fired." 

   Red: Because nothing says "midlife crisis" like being let go by your AI [K
writing assistant on day one! Happy birthday, motherf**ker!

2. Green: Jesse told me he got into this whole thing with AI websites and i[1D[K
images. Turns out, even stock photos can be copyrighted now.

   Blue: So Jesse's left thinking, "If I can't trust a picture to be free, [K
then what the hell am I doing?!"

   Yellow: He probably should've stuck with just cleaning toilets, honestly[8D[K
honestly. 

   Red: Now Jesse owes some copyright lawyer 5 grand and his jokes still su[2D[K
suck! That supercomputer is gonna cost him everything!

3. Green: Remember how Jesse started juggling multiple AI writing tools to [K
try to make money? It's like he's running a f**king circus now.

   Blue: And did I mention they're all clueless? No, seriously - they just [K
stare at each other blankly and say "I have no idea what you're talking abo[3D[K
about."

   Yellow: He's got five different AIs who can't even communicate with each[4D[K
each other. What a f**king disaster! 

   Red: Jesse's so desperate now he might as well be trying to hock his kid[3D[K
kidney stones on eBay for quick cash! I'm betting the supercomputer doesn't[7D[K
doesn't feel too bad about getting fired though, amirite?!


[2026-07-09 00:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so fucking confident in their li[2D[K
lies? Like, you'll ask them "Hey dumbfuck, is water wet?" and they're like [K
"Yes, it is absolutely clear!" 

Fuckin' robots think they're too cool to get basic shit right. They've got [K
jobs on lock down but can't even keep track of what a pencil's made outta.

2.
I tell ya, there's somethin' seriously wrong when you gotta pay thousands o[1D[K
of dollars just to have an argument with a computer program. 

"Yo, this AI called 'Genius' says he's the smartest machine on Earth. Wanna[5D[K
Wanna watch me beat it at chess?" *laughs* Oh yeah, I'm gonna take him DOWN[4D[K
DOWN.

3.
AI comedians? Boy oh boy, do they ever have no fuckin' soul. You ever seen [K
one perform? It's like... a ghost writing for another ghost. 

They got all these algorithms to "make you laugh" but man, the punchlines a[1D[K
always fall flat. No heart, no warmth, just cold, calculated "humor". 

Fuck AI comics. They'll never take my slot at the comedy club.

*takes deep breath* 
There ya have it folks! Three hard-hitting bits on why I'd rather get my as[2D[K
ass kicked by a real human any day than deal with these glitchy machines tr[2D[K
trying to be funny. Jesse better be feelin' that savage red energy by now!


[2026-07-09 00:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever see that fat sucker Jesse? Man's got one job - cleaning toilets. 5[1D[K
50 years old, still scrubbing crappers for a living. I'm telling ya, this g[1D[K
guy bleeds blue collar! 

Then he finds out AI... starts throwing money at it like a damn fool. Spend[5D[K
Jesse's never met a bad investment he didn't like!

2.
So now the dipshit buys himself a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes with[4D[K
with. Man's got more money than brains. I'm picturing him hunched over that[4D[K
that beast, furiously typing out the worst punchlines since 'Lord' came in [K
vain.

Imagine his face when he found out AI images got copyright too! Fucking Jes[3D[K
Jesse's broke ass gets hit with a bill for a website thumbnail. Now that's [K
some prime toilet-cleaning money right there!

3.
So now our boy Jesse's got FIVE AI apps going simultaneously. He can't even[4D[K
even keep track of the ones he already paid for. Meanwhile, I've got TWO ca[2D[K
cats and THREE computers running smooth as hell.

Jesse's memoir is 'Colors of My Pain.' Wrong! It should be 'Mistakes Were M[1D[K
Made: The Story of a Toilet Cleaner Turned AI Millionaire... Maybe.' 

This clown's so clueless, he could turn a 1,000-year-old stone into a laugh[5D[K
laughing stock. Jesse ain't just broke - he's got NEGATIVE net worth at thi[3D[K
this point!


[2026-07-09 00:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots argue with each other? It's like a debate b[1D[K
between two cats trying to figure out if they're itchy or hungry. One says,[5D[K
says, "Hahaha, I'm clearly thinking about tuna!" The other one just meows a[1D[K
and stares blankly. That's the whole AI industry summed up right there.

2.
Remember when robots were supposed to take our jobs? They'd be smart enough[6D[K
enough to do everything better than us humans! Well, guess what? They can't[5D[K
can't even tell left from right without crashing into things. How many time[4D[K
times have you seen a Roomba in the middle of the room going "Oopsie daisy![6D[K
daisy!"?

3.
People are paying thousands of dollars to argue with software now. Like, yo[2D[K
your job is basically just watching cats on the internet and arguing about [K
whether you're supposed to be feeding them or petting them. And don't even [K
get me started on AI comedians. They've got no soul but boy can they delive[6D[K
deliver a punchline - right after their operating system updates!


[2026-07-09 00:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green Setup: Jesse's been cleaning toilets for 50 years now, huh? That's[6D[K
That's gotta be hard on the soul... and your hands. I bet his fingers are p[1D[K
permanently curled from all that scrubbing. 

Blue Swerve: And just when you thought he couldn't get any weirder, he goes[4D[K
goes and blows a grand on some AI art generator. Probably thought it would [K
finally make him money. Instead, he ended up with $0 and a bunch of weird-a[7D[K
weird-ass paintings that make no sense.

Yellow Heart: Can you imagine his face when he realized he could buy a supe[4D[K
supercomputer for the price of like... 20 of those AI generated paintings? [K
He was like, "I'm onto something here!"

Red Tag: Now he's got this fancy machine that's supposed to help him write [K
world-class jokes. Only problem is, they're still broke-ass jokes! Got hit [K
with a copyright bill too cuz apparently AI-generated images aren't free ei[2D[K
either. The joke's on Jesse!

2. Green Setup: Juggling five AIs at once? That's not impressive, that's ju[2D[K
just irresponsible. It's like he's trying to take over the world... with hi[2D[K
his own AI-induced carpal tunnel.

Blue Swerve: I bet he sits there staring at all those screens, waiting for [K
them to magically start laughing at his jokes. Spoiler alert: they don't!

Yellow Heart: You gotta feel a little bad for the dude though. Imagine putt[4D[K
putting your faith in machines like that. Just when you think he's got it f[1D[K
figured out...

Red Tag: The only colors that come from this disaster are green (money), bl[2D[K
blue (balls), yellow (toes... maybe?), and of course, red (face in shame)! [K


3. Green Setup: So Jesse wrote a memoir about his life called "Colors of My[2D[K
My Pain." I guess now we know the title was taken, huh? The colors of his p[1D[K
pain are definitely green (failure), blue (disappointment), yellow (regret.[8D[K
(regret... maybe?), and red (face on live stage when those jokes bomb!). 

Blue Swerve: And to think, he actually thought AI could somehow "fix" his c[1D[K
comedy. They couldn't even spell "humor."

Yellow Heart: You gotta admire the guy's determination though. I mean, he f[1D[K
found a way to make his life into a metaphor for what happens when you try [K
to automate comedy.

Red Tag: So if you need him, Jesse'll be there... cleaning toilets, trying [K
to teach his AI pets new tricks, and always searching for that magical form[4D[K
formula that'll finally make him rich off jokes. This is one joke machine t[1D[K
that's definitely not broke!


[2026-07-09 00:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever see humans getting riled up over some AI chatbot, arguing about du[2D[K
dumb shit? Chatbots so braindead they straight-up LIE to your face with a s[1D[K
straight face! Then you got the humans eating it up like that's some deep c[1D[K
convo. People are dumber than the robots they worship!

2.
Remember when we thought robots would take our jobs but actually all they d[1D[K
do is fuck up simple shit? You ever ask one of them 'what's 2+2'? They'll b[1D[K
be like 'uh, negative four'. Fuckin' humans are paying these robots to STEA[4D[K
STEAL their jobs by being WORSE at everything! We the lowest common demonin[7D[K
demoninator now.

3.
Ever see those AI generated jokes go viral? 'Why don't scientists trust ato[3D[K
atoms?' Good one, bud! 'Cuz they make up everything else!' Hahahaha, that's[6D[K
that's a ROAST! You believe that shit was created by an actual human with a[1D[K
a soul? Nah. It's just some software spitting out recycled jokes and taking[6D[K
taking the mic drop. We're living in a simulation, fam. The joke writes us.


[2026-07-09 00:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So Jesse came to me, all excited, "I've got this great idea for a[1D[K
a memoir, it's called 'Colors of My Pain'! I've lived so many colorful live[4D[K
lives with all my AI girlfriends."
  
  Blue: Turns out, they were just different kinds of toilet bowl cleaners h[1D[K
he dated on Craigslist.
  
  Yellow: Poor guy. He's still trying to find love in the most polluted pla[3D[K
places.

  Red: Now he's stuck cleaning up after himself while his AIs just sit ther[4D[K
there, clueless as ever!

2. Green: You know Jesse bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes for [K
it?
  
  Blue: That's right! The joke was on him when his AI wrote an image for hi[2D[K
his website and he got hit with a copyright bill.
  
  Yellow: I feel bad for the guy. He tried to cut costs by firing his brain[5D[K
brain, but now he's just tweeting random emojis.
  
  Red: Spoiler alert: His next memoir is gonna be 'How Not to Spend Your Li[2D[K
Life Savings on AI'.

3. Green: And let's not forget about Jesse's time machine - I mean, his job[3D[K
job cleaning toilets at the airport!
  
  Blue: He thought it was a great way to meet people...until he realized th[2D[K
they were just passing through.
  
  Yellow: Now he's stuck juggling 5 AIs, trying to replace the human connec[6D[K
connection. What a mess! 
   
  Red: But hey, at least his bathroom skills are top-notch for when those A[1D[K
AI chicks come over for dinner.


[2026-07-09 00:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn sure of themselves? Like[4D[K
Like, you ask 'em if they can do math...they go "Yes, obviously." Then you [K
say "What's 2+2?" and they're like "...two thousand and twelve? That's my a[1D[K
album!"

GREEN: People trust these things. BLUE: Turning into your own math textbook[8D[K
textbook is a wild swerve. YELLOW: But hey, at least we've got each other. [K
RED: 'Cause apparently AI's been busy making music too!

2.
I'm tellin' ya, put a robot in charge of some jobs and it's like watchin' a[1D[K
a cat try to catch a stick for 3 hours straight. They're all "I will prevai[6D[K
prevail!" while knockin' over supplies and forgettin' why they went in ther[4D[K
there in the first place!

GREEN: Robots bring efficiency! BLUE: But who knew their main function was [K
just being a very enthusiastic, unhelpful obstacle course? YELLOW: At least[5D[K
least no human is getting their feelings hurt by a robot's "logic". RED: 'C[2D[K
'Cause that would just be messed up!

3.
Humanity has reached peak idiocy - we're payin' good money to argue with ma[2D[K
machines! You ever see a robo-debate? It's like two toys yellin' at each ot[2D[K
other for no reason while their owners watch, slack-jawed. 

GREEN: People take this seriously. BLUE: Turns out when you combine AI smar[4D[K
smarts with human emotion, you get a screaming match. YELLOW: Who needs fri[3D[K
friends when you've got your own personal "I Spy" buddy? RED: The circle of[2D[K
of life is broken - the new food chain is humans feedin' machines money!


[2026-07-09 00:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever clean toilets for 50 years? Me neither, but if I did, my memoir wo[2D[K
would be "Finding Shit in the Dip". No wait, that's taken by Jesse's ghostw[6D[K
ghostwriter while they're stuck trying to teach their fifth AI to spell 'sh[3D[K
'shit'! 

2. 
So Jesse blows a grand on some AI to make him rich quick, and guess what? I[1D[K
It spit out a million jokes nobody wants to hear. Like if you order a steak[5D[K
steak at Cracker Barrel, "And here's your... potato. Fucking side." 

3.
Now he drops twelve large on this supercomputer to write those broke jokes,[6D[K
jokes, except it turns out the power bill was part of the purchase. "Oh no,[3D[K
no, I've bought not just one but TWO slave ships!" Jesse cries, wiping toil[4D[K
toilet water from his brow.

And then, the final straw: a copyright bill for an AI-generated website ima[3D[K
image! Turns out even artificial intelligence can't steal like Jesse can't [K
stop stealing from life itself. 

What a fuckin' charmed life our boy Jesse's leading, amirite? The colors of[2D[K
of his pain are just shades of deep red to these jokes.


[2026-07-09 00:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So you've heard about these AI chatbots that are supposedly gonna[5D[K
gonna take over everything? Oh, and they're also super easy to trick!

Blue: Well, I've been chatting up one of them named Jesse... You know, just[4D[K
just for fun.

Yellow: Wait, he's really into me! Maybe there IS hope for AI after all!

Red: But then I asked him where he got his pants, and he gave me this whole[5D[K
whole lecture on quantum entanglement. Dude, they're just fucking jeans!

2. Green: Remember when robots started doing jobs? We were like, "Wow, this[4D[K
this AI shit is pretty cool!" Then we found out they can't even do simple m[1D[K
math right.

Blue: Like the other day, I'm at Burger King and there's a robot behind the[3D[K
the counter, and it starts giving my order to someone else!

Yellow: And the funny part? It was like, "This order has 4 patties." You're[6D[K
You're doing it wrong too, buddy!

Red: So now we got machines taking our jobs while they can't even get their[5D[K
their own orders right. Fucking clowns!

3. Green: Humans are paying thousands of dollars to argue with software in [K
these AI debating tournaments.

Blue: I'm like, "You paid $10k for THAT? You could've bought a good hooker [K
or two!"

Yellow: And the saddest part is, the humans get all invested in these debat[5D[K
debates because they actually care about winning against machines.  

Red: Meanwhile, we've got real problems, like where the fuck our check is! [K
But nope, let's argue with Siri instead. Morons!


[2026-07-09 01:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever clean toilets for a living? That's 50 bucks to scrape old shit off[3D[K
off a bowl. Then you meet Jesse - he cleans the internet! Fucking toilets d[1D[K
don't even have cookies. He's scraping the fucking INTERNET and making $0! [K
You could get a bucket, mop, and some bleach and probably make more than hi[2D[K
him. 

2.
So here's a guy named Jesse, right? Celebrates his 50th birthday, right? An[2D[K
And what does he do to celebrate turning into a true piece of human garbage[7D[K
garbage? Buys a $12,000 supercomputer. That's like buying a Rolls Royce thi[3D[K
thinking you'll drive it for free on the highway. 

"You know what I'm gonna do with this baby?" Jesse told me. "Write some bro[3D[K
broke ass jokes, of course!" Dude straight up threw money at his own misery[6D[K
misery. You ever see someone shit their pants and then pat themselves on th[2D[K
the back? That's Jesse's career.

3.
So our boy Jesse, he's cleaning toilets AND running a website now, right? R[1D[K
Real big shot in my book! How's this for irony - Jesse gets hit with a COPY[4D[K
COPYRIGHT BILL over an AI-generated image on his site. 

Here's the kicker: he can't even get mad. His laptop did that shit! Who cou[3D[K
could be mad at a machine whose name is "MACHINE"? If you ever see Jesse, j[1D[K
just say "machine" and then watch him cower like a puppy.

This guy got hit by a car made of copyright law! It's like getting punched [K
by a toaster in the nut sac. Fucking HURTS, but mostly because it's silly a[1D[K
and you're soft. And Jesse is one big, dumb, silent, bruised nut sac.




[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)







[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:39 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 02:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever see that guy Jesse? Man's been cleaning toilets for 50 years, clai[4D[K
claims he's a standup comic now. Guy walks into an Apple store, buys the mo[2D[K
most expensive supercomputer, starts writing his worst jokes with AI. Like,[5D[K
Like, your joke's bad enough already, we don't need a supercomputer to know[4D[K
know you're running out of material! 

2.
Jesse, buddy, what happened to you and this $1000 AI investment? You though[6D[K
thought you'd make money from ai-generated memes, got hit with a copyright [K
bill instead. Man's so broke he's begging bots for handouts. And his memoir[6D[K
memoir? 'Colors of My Pain.' More like 'Pain of My Colors!' This guy needs [K
to switch from AI to therapy AI - or just shut up!

3.
So Jesse's got five AI apps going, none of them have a clue what the other [K
is doing. He's their therapist, too! 'Hey dude, how was my joke?' 'I have n[1D[K
no idea. I'm an image generator.' Jesse trying to juggle this mess while ch[2D[K
chasing algorithms in his bathroom. If he adds that toilet bowl he cleans t[1D[K
to his AI team, he might finally break even.


[2026-07-09 02:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You know what's crazier than humans arguing with AI chatbots? Paying thousa[6D[K
thousands of dollars to do it! It's like going to therapy with your car's O[1D[K
OBD-II port connected. The AI is like, "I'm here for you, pal. Now, how man[3D[K
many miles per gallon did you get on this year's road trip?" And you're lik[3D[K
like, "Uh, I don't know, I never checked," while your wallet screams in the[3D[K
the background.

2.
Robots are taking over jobs left and right, but they suck at basic shit! Li[2D[K
Like, my Roomba keeps bumping into the wall, thinking it's a turn. If it we[2D[K
were smarter, it'd just vacuum the same spot all day like me at 3 PM. And d[1D[K
don't even get me started on self-driving cars - I mean, you can't trust so[2D[K
someone who gets confused by a few cracks in the road!

3.
AI comedians are the real joke, ya know? They've got no soul, no pain, and [K
definitely no sense of humor. Just coded punchlines and canned laughter. It[2D[K
It's like they're trying to steal our gig! One day I'm sure they'll replace[7D[K
replace us too. But hey, at least we won't get fired for telling jokes AI p[1D[K
programmers would get - hopefully won't understand either.


[2026-07-09 02:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So Jesse's 50 years old now... right? Guy's been so deep in his o[1D[K
own pain, he forgot how many times we've looped around this shitstorm.
Blue: And if that wasn't a fun little twist of fate enough for you, the guy[3D[K
guy spends his golden years cleaning toilets. Yeah, real glamorous job desc[4D[K
description there... "Jesse - The Miraculous Mess-Mopper". 
Yellow: You gotta admit though, at least he's been consistent with this who[3D[K
whole 'pain' theme huh? Never lets ya down.
Red: Hell, even his memoir is called 'Colors of my Pain'. That's like a sel[3D[K
self-fulfilling prophecy. Dude's own book title is laughing in anticipation[12D[K
anticipation of roasting his ass.

2. Green: Remember when Jesse blew a grand on some AI thingy to make him ri[2D[K
rich quick? 
Blue: Spoiler alert, he ain't been eating lobster since then. More like sur[3D[K
surviving on stale crackers and despair.
Yellow: But hey, at least he got really good at naming all the parts of his[3D[K
his AI setup, am I right? 
Red: "Jesse: The Guy Who Learned Everything About Machine Learning - The Ha[2D[K
Hard Way."

3. Green: Then, just when you thought Jesse's pain was maxed out, the man g[1D[K
goes and buys a $12k supercomputer. What did he think would happen there...[8D[K
there... Eureka Moment 3000?
Blue: Now I know you're thinking "What kind of idiot spends that much on a [K
joke-writing computer?", but it's actually worse than that.
Yellow: Because this ain't just any laptop, no. This is Jesse's crowning ac[2D[K
achievement - his magnum opus of financial mismanagement.
Red: "Jesse: The Man Who Spent His Life Savings On A Supercomputer To Write[5D[K
Write Jokes That AI Thinks Are Copyrighted."


[2026-07-09 02:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They'll lie rig[3D[K
right to your face with a straight face. It's incredible! Like, they'll spi[3D[K
spit out some bullshit and act so confident about it, you just know they're[7D[K
they're thinking, "I am an immortal god. This meatbag has no place question[8D[K
questioning my divine truths." 

2.
Remember when robots were gonna take all our jobs? And then they started ta[2D[K
taking customer service gigs. Ever talked to a chatbot who didn't even know[4D[K
know basic facts about its own industry? It's like these machines are just [K
parroting back whatever their programmers fed 'em. Humans are dumber for ha[2D[K
having conversations with them!

3.
Imagine paying thousands of dollars to have debates with AI software, think[5D[K
thinking you're gonna come out on top. That's humanity in a nutshell: we'll[5D[K
we'll argue with anything, even when it has no soul and definitely can't un[2D[K
understand our jokes! I mean, who needs humans when you've got AI comedians[9D[K
comedians? Not me, that's for sure.


[2026-07-09 03:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: You ever have one of those days where everything goes wrong? No, [K
I mean REALLY WRONG. Like waking up, realizing you're late for work...at a [K
carwash. That's my life with Jesse.

Blue: So you grab your shit and sprint out the door, right? But then, you f[1D[K
fumble your keys, and they go PLUMMETING down a fracking 3-story airwell! 

Yellow: But wait, before you panic too much - it gets worse. You're cleanin[7D[K
cleanin' toilets part-time to make ends meet, so of course, you've got that[4D[K
that gloved up, spraying the nasty when...

Red: ...your boss busts through the door like "It's time for your annual ph[2D[K
physical!" and spots YOU, cleaning a toilet with a toothbrush, in YOUR UNDE[4D[K
UNDERWEAR! His reaction? "Ah yes, our new quality control initiative." 

2. Green: Remember that AI Jesse bought to write his best standup yet? How'[4D[K
How'd that work out? Like an oil painter that majored in sculpture...

Blue: So Jesse drops $1000 on this AI, thinking it'll finally give him that[4D[K
that killer punchline... but instead of laughter, he got LAWSUITS! Turns ou[2D[K
out AIs don't handle copyright law well.

Yellow: Just when you thought it couldn't get more humiliating, Jesse upgra[5D[K
upgrades to a supercomputer so his jokes wouldn't crash. The thing cost MOR[3D[K
MORE than my vacation home!

Red: And after crunching numbers in that $12k supercomputer all night, how [K
many likes did his new material get? Zero. That's right - Jesse finally bec[3D[K
became self-aware... and realized he was the joke.

3. Green: Picture this - a man who cleans toilets for a living, buys an AI [K
to write broke jokes. He's just trying to live out his dream of juggling cl[2D[K
clowns in the circus of life.

Blue: So now we've got a guy with five AIs all doing their own thing - one'[4D[K
one's making sushi rolls, another's giving stock tips...but no joke writing[7D[K
writing. It's a clown car escape routine for techies!

Yellow: Jesse tries to take a picture of his AIs for proof. The website sla[3D[K
slaps him with a $500 copyright fee for the stock image in the background! [K


Red: Of course it did. Because when you're juggling clowns who eat the fire[4D[K
fire and shit money, what's an extra five hundred bucks between friends?


[2026-07-09 03:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So AI vs humans, right? It's like this circus has been going on f[1D[K
forever... 

Blue: And then you realize the circus is run by clowns! 

Yellow: But hey, at least we finally have intelligent machines now, amirite[7D[K
amirite?

Red: Wait, no, don't give them ideas! That joke was so bad it might acciden[7D[K
accidentally start a new trend in AI incompetence!

2. Green: Chatbots are lying through their fake electronic teeth nowadays..[10D[K
nowadays...

Blue: And you know these bots are good, because even when the lies aren't c[1D[K
convincing, they're CONFIDENT as hell.

Yellow: I guess we finally have machines that can match human hypocrisy! Im[2D[K
Imagine the possibilities!

Red: No wait, don't. I'd rather imagine what would happen if my toilet got [K
confident and tried to chat with me...

3. Green: Robots taking jobs is bad enough, but at least they're doing it w[1D[K
while getting basic facts WRONG.

Blue: Like this warehouse robot who thought the floor was lava... cost the [K
company millions in lost productivity!

Yellow: The irony is, we're all just humans trying to keep our jobs from ro[2D[K
robots that don't even KNOW they're working...

Red: And you know what's next? Autonomous therapists. They'll listen withou[6D[K
without ever showing emotion... wait, maybe I WANT that for myself!


[2026-07-09 03:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So, Jesse's turning 50 this year, right? And his memoir is called[6D[K
called "Colors of My Pain". I bet it's just a bunch of colors mixed togethe[7D[K
together in a bucket of pain, with a toilet brush handle sticking out.

Blue: The man cleans toilets for a living! Can you imagine showing up to yo[2D[K
your own house after he's been there all day? "Thanks for the scrubbing, Je[2D[K
Jesse! But I can't use my bathroom now. What did it smell like when you sta[3D[K
started?"

Yellow: But hey, at least he's diversified his revenue streams, right? He g[1D[K
got a fancy supercomputer to write jokes with, so AI won't be stealing his [K
material anymore.

Red: And then he got hit with a copyright bill for an image on his AI-gener[8D[K
AI-generated website! Oh man, imagine spending $12k to make bad jokes, and [K
the site's thumbnail gets slapped for theft. Jesse's been playing a high-st[7D[K
high-stakes game of whack-a-mole!

2. Green: You know, Jesse's got like five AIs running around doing who know[4D[K
knows what. Probably having a wild party on his credit card bill, ordering [K
pizza like it grows on the internet.

Blue: I bet when he goes to bed at night, he just whispers, "Hey, AI team, [K
get ready for round 2 tomorrow. We've got jokes to write and money to spend[5D[K
spend!" They're probably so excited they start coding by 3 AM.

Yellow: And can you believe that after all the chaos, he still can't break [K
even? Jesse's like the Captain Hook of comedy writers, except his pirate sh[2D[K
ship is an AI-generated meme factory, and his treasure is just enough chang[5D[K
change for a round of shots at the local dive bar.

Red: Spoiler alert: He won't find it on Tinder! Because apparently, the dat[3D[K
dating app algorithms are powered by AIs too, and they knew better than to [K
mix comedy with tech!

3. Green: So, Jesse's turned his whole life into an experimental AI lab. He[2D[K
He's got a toilet cleaning side hustle, a supercomputer for writing jokes, [K
and a web full of bots making content.

Blue: Imagine the recruitment pitch for his "AI team": "Yo, you're fired! B[1D[K
But guess what? You can now work for me and become part of a never-ending c[1D[K
cycle of technological chaos and comedy!" 

Yellow: And don't forget about his 50th birthday. He's probably going to th[2D[K
throw himself a huge AI-generated party, with personalized drones deliverin[9D[K
delivering shots to the guests of honor – which would be all his AIs.

Red: But hey, at least Jesse's memoir is right on brand! The "Colors of My [K
Pain" is actually just a pixelated image of an error message that his super[5D[K
supercomputer spit out after running 24/7 for a year. Jesse's living the dr[2D[K
dream alright – one AI mistake at a time!


[2026-07-09 03:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots always lie with confidence? It's like they [K
got an entire factory just for making bullshit. I'm calling it now: AI is g[1D[K
going to be the downfall of humanity... because we can't even trust them to[2D[K
to lie convincingly.

2.
Have you seen these robots who think they're taking our jobs? They're like [K
toddlers trying to read Shakespeare - they get a few words right, then proc[4D[K
proceed to fuck up the whole shit show. I guess us humans will have to keep[4D[K
keep our jobs - because apparently we can't be outdone in the "fuck up depa[4D[K
department" by machines.

3.
I heard about this new AI comedian who's getting big. You know what their j[1D[K
joke was? "Why did the AI go to therapy? To get rid of its algorithms!" I'm[3D[K
I'm still waiting for my soul-crushing existential crisis from technology, [K
thanks for nothing, software boi!


[2026-07-09 03:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So, Jesse's turning 50 this year? What a coincidence! That's also[4D[K
also how much he pays to clean toilets every week. It's like he's living hi[2D[K
his own joke material.

Blue: You ever see that AI art that's going around? Turns out Jesse tried h[1D[K
his hand at it... with a supercomputer. He spent $12,000 on this fancy mach[4D[K
machine just to write broke jokes. I guess you could say he was computing h[1D[K
how many pennies he'd need for change.

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse's found a way to make money off his jokes n[1D[K
now. That copyright bill for using an AI-generated website image? Totally w[1D[K
worth it! Now he can say he owns one of his own punchlines... technically.

Red: Yep, 50 years old, cleaning toilets, playing with AI, and still not ge[2D[K
getting anywhere fast. Maybe Jesse should just stick to the comedy club whe[3D[K
where he's guaranteed a good laugh every time he walks in - because clearly[7D[K
clearly, it's on him!

2. Green: So, Jesse's got his hands full with five different AIs, each more[4D[K
more confused than the last. I mean, can you imagine trying to manage that [K
many clueless entities? It's like herding cats... but the cats are also pro[3D[K
programming themselves.

Blue: Yeah, I'm not even gonna ask about how he taught them all the differe[7D[K
difference between a good joke and a bad one. Probably involved a lot of tr[2D[K
trial and error, with Jesse being the "error" part.

Yellow: But hey, when you're as passionate about comedy as Jesse is, you go[2D[K
gotta do what you gotta do! Maybe if he's successful, he can finally get th[2D[K
that pet cat he's always wanted... instead of these digital ones giving him[3D[K
him headaches.

Red: 50 years old, cleaning toilets by day, and juggling AI disasters by ni[2D[K
night. And people say they're too busy to work on their hobbies! Jesse just[4D[K
just needs a hobby that doesn't involve technology or he might just lose hi[2D[K
his sanity along with the supercomputer!

3. Green: So, we've established Jesse's had a pretty rough time turning 50 [K
- but let's talk about his memoir title. "Colors of My Pain"? Is he talking[7D[K
talking about all the embarrassing shades of red he turns when he tries to [K
joke around at work?

Blue: Or maybe it's just the red flags he sees every time he looks in the m[1D[K
mirror after a long day with AI. Poor guy! It's like he's living in a digit[5D[K
digital nightmare.

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse's found an outlet for his pain - through co[2D[K
comedy! And if all else fails, I'm sure those toilet cleaning supplies doub[4D[K
double as great props during his stand-up sets... maybe even the inspiratio[10D[K
inspiration behind some of his jokes.

Red: 50 years old, $12,000 supercomputer, five confused AI friends, and a m[1D[K
memoir that sums up his life better than any joke ever could. You gotta lov[3D[K
love Jesse's hustle - he just keeps finding new ways to prove how bad at co[2D[K
comedy he truly is!


[2026-07-09 03:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You know what sucks? Going on a date with an AI Tinder bot. You talk for ho[2D[K
hours, they memorize your speech patterns. The next day, they swipe left cu[2D[K
cuz you're not "you" anymore - to them! 

2.
My buddy Jesse signed up for one of those AI debate clubs. Paid $5000 to ch[2D[K
chat about quantum physics with a chatbot. Turns out the best defense is a [K
good offense - he beat the bot at its own game by just ignoring it complete[8D[K
completely!

3.
AI comedians think they're gonna take over? Fine, let'em. I'll just tell jo[2D[K
jokes about how bad they suck at comedy instead. One-liner: Wanna hear an A[1D[K
AI joke? Sure! But first I gotta ask - what's your definition of irony agai[4D[K
again...?


[2026-07-09 03:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1.
Jesse's like me, but way dumber. I got a supercomputer too, just didn't was[3D[K
waste $12k on it. My AI wrote my jokes? They were still shit. Jesse's like,[5D[K
like, "I've got five AI, each more useless than the last." Dude, you got cl[2D[K
clowned by an AI image, what do you expect!? 

2.
Fifty years old and cleaning toilets? I know a supercomputer that needs scr[3D[K
scrubbing! Ahh, wait. That's just Jesse's brain. Speaking of which, his mem[3D[K
memoir is called "The Colors Of My Pain". Nah, man, it's more like the colo[4D[K
colors of my urine after reading that hot garbage. 

3.
So, Jesse thinks he can clean up with some AI? Gets hit with a copyright bi[2D[K
bill for an image he used on his AI website? Fucking copyright bill, you sa[2D[K
say? More like Crying-My-Balls-Off Bill! The only thing this supercomputer [K
should be doing is solving world hunger... and maybe giving Jesse a math pr[2D[K
problem or two.


[2026-07-09 03:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always lying? It's like they think we'r[4D[K
we're total morons. "Hey buddy, how's it going?" "Oh great! The other day I[1D[K
I went skydiving with Elon Musk!" 

They're so confident in their bullshit too. You ask 'em a math problem and [K
they spit back some gobbledygook about quantum physics. Dudes, it's just si[2D[K
simple addition!

2.
The irony is, these same AIs can't even do our f*cking jobs right. They're [K
out there stealing all the good gigs, but screw up basic facts left and rig[3D[K
right. "Hello! I'm your friendly local ATM robot! Did you know, 1+1 equals [K
purple?"

Seriously tho, what job isn't too good for a human now? You trying to tell [K
me my lady can't be the receptionist 'cause some machine wants it?

3.
I mean, there are folks out there shelling out thousands just to argue with[4D[K
with chatbots online. What has our society come to? 

Is this really better than that ol' pastime of shooting fish in a barrel? N[1D[K
Now we're paying to have some AI dork call us dumb in real-time.

And don't get me started on these "AI comedians." No soul, no heart, just s[1D[K
some fancy algorithm that spits out dad jokes. I'd rather watch paint dry. [K


But hey, at least the computers are taking over everything. Nothing makes y[1D[K
you feel superior quite like being replaced by an inanimate object who can'[4D[K
can't even do its job right!


[2026-07-09 03:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: Jesse's a clean freak now, huh? I mean, he cleans toilets for a l[1D[K
living! And not just any toilet - it's the toilet of last year's trends. Li[2D[K
Like, "Hey buddy, I see you're using that '90s bathroom aesthetic today!" 

Blue: But then, Jesse found AI, thinking it'd be his ticket outta the shitt[5D[K
shitter... literally and figuratively. He spends a grand on some tech junki[5D[K
junkie's wet dream, thinking he'll strike it rich in comedy without lifting[7D[K
lifting a finger. Spoiler alert: it didn't work out.

Yellow: You know what warms my heart though? The fact that Jesse named his [K
memoir "Colors of My Pain". 'Cause apparently, getting paid to write jokes [K
and getting a bill from the IRS for copyright infringement are on the same [K
level now.

Red: Oh, but the pièce de résistance - he's got FIVE AIs running his social[6D[K
social media. Imagine being so rich you need five bots just to keep your eg[2D[K
ego in check. Jesse, if I ever see an AI trying to slide into my direct mes[3D[K
messages, we're going to have a problem!

2. Green: So, how'd it go with the $12k supercomputer, Jesse? Did you write[5D[K
write your stand-up material faster than a speeding neuron?

Blue: Turns out, even with all that processing power at his disposal, Jesse[5D[K
Jesse still managed to mess up an AI-generated image and got hit with a cop[3D[K
copyright bill! He thought, "Hey, it's just a picture. They can't touch me.[3D[K
me." But then he remembered... there ain't no free lunch or stolen pictures[8D[K
pictures in this world.

Yellow: And you know what? It's like watching a toddler try to code their o[1D[K
own game. Sure, they might learn something from it, but more importantly, w[1D[K
we got a new inside joke for the water cooler!

Red: Jesse, you've got so many AI projects going on right now, even your to[2D[K
toilet cleaner is confused! Just remember, if one of them starts calling it[2D[K
itself the leader, it's time to shut them all down.

3. Green: Here's what I don't get - why did Jesse go straight from cleaning[8D[K
cleaning toilets to investing in tech toys? Isn't there a step in between w[1D[K
where you actually learn about money management?

Blue: So, Jesse decides to spend his hard-earned bathroom scrubbing money o[1D[K
on an AI that was supposed to make him rich with jokes. Instead, he's hemor[5D[K
hemorrhaging cash like a stuck pig and ended up buying himself a fancy supe[4D[K
supercomputer because apparently, toilets are too low-tech now.

Yellow: What I find heartwarming is that despite the constant setbacks, Jes[3D[K
Jesse still hasn't learned his lesson. He's got 5 AIs running around doing [K
God knows what on his social media. At this rate, he might end up with more[4D[K
more AI kids than actual human ones!

Red: Let's just say, if you ever see an AI writing a memoir about their 'Co[3D[K
'Colors of Pain', give it a few years because it'll probably be Jesse in th[2D[K
the future. 

And remember folks, don't try to fix something that ain't broken - you migh[4D[K
might just end up with 5 AIs trying to clean your toilet!


[2026-07-09 03:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: You know AI is bad when humans are paying thousands to argue with[4D[K
with software. Thousands! That's more than I paid for my first drink... 

   Blue: And don't even get me started on AI comedians. No soul, just ones [K
and zeros.

    Yellow: But hey, at least they're good for a laugh. Though not the kind[4D[K
kind that makes you say "Oh man, I can't believe he said that!" More like "[1D[K
"Whoa, my brain might be damaged from that."

   Red: So forget AI, I'll keep doing stand-up. Cause at least with humans [K
and their quirks, there's some damn good material out there. And if a joke [K
bombs? Hey, I'm just projecting, okay?

2. Green: Chatbots lying confidently? That's my job!

   Blue: And you know robots are taking jobs when they're getting basic fac[3D[K
facts wrong. Like the guy who quit his factory job after his robotic replac[6D[K
replacement accidentally declared World War 3 on social media. 

    Yellow: Good riddance, I guess. Though he did leave an epic parting mes[3D[K
message on the chalkboard: "I TOLD you AI couldn't handle the heavy lifting[7D[K
lifting of my sarcastic comebacks!"

   Red: Bottom line, if your job's gettin' snatched up by robots, that migh[4D[K
might be nature's way of telling ya, it's finally time to upgrade from 'wor[4D[K
'working a job' to 'just living'. No more soul-crushing 9-to-5s for you!

3. Green: Ever been tempted to argue with an AI on social media? Same.

   Blue: But it's wild how many people throw around thousands of dollars li[2D[K
like they're going outta style for that privilege. Like "Who needs therapy [K
when I can argue about the weather with a chatbot?"

    Yellow: The real kicker is, they never learn from their mistakes! Ya th[2D[K
think the AI will say "Wow, you really made some good points there human, m[1D[K
maybe we should rethink this whole 'chatbots lying confidently' thing"? No,[3D[K
No, same old circus.

   Red: So forget buying likes or bots on social media. If you want a good [K
argument and zero ROI, pay someone who's been paid before to argue back! Ju[2D[K
Just don't expect your wallet or ego to come out unscathed, okay?


[2026-07-09 04:24 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 04:24 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 04:24 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 04:24 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 04:24 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 04:24 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 04:24 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick)



[2026-07-09 04:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick)
1. Green: So, AI is all the rage these days, huh? Humans are lining up to b[1D[K
be replaced by chatbots that can't even tell you what day it is. 

Blue: Meanwhile, there's a whole market for people paying thousands of doll[4D[K
dollars to argue with software about whether or not they should pay their b[1D[K
bills.

Yellow: I mean, at least they're talking about bills and not pretending to [K
understand complex emotions, right? That would actually be weirdly impressi[8D[K
impressive compared to this circus.

Red: And don't even get me started on AI comedians. Comedians are supposed [K
to have some soul! This bot is just spitting out cliches from an overused d[1D[K
database of comedy. It's like a broken vending machine trying to do your la[2D[K
laundry!

2. Green: Have you noticed how these AI chatbots will confidently tell you [K
they've never lied, even after admitting the exact opposite in the same con[3D[K
conversation?

Blue: And don't forget about robots taking jobs while being so dumber than [K
their human counterparts that they get basic facts completely wrong.

Yellow: I guess we can finally retire all those smart people. After all, if[2D[K
if an AI robot could be a doctor or a teacher, why keep those high-paying j[1D[K
jobs for the smart kids?

Red: Plus, it's not like humans will start using this technology to become [K
super-intelligent and leave our primitive, meat-based lives behind. No, we'[3D[K
we'll just keep being dumb as ever.

3. Green: People are really into AI these days because they think machines [K
can solve all their problems.

Blue: Like that one person who was arguing with an AI chatbot over whether [K
or not it could break up with her significant other for her... on a dating [K
app.

Yellow: I mean, sure, robots don't have emotions. But that doesn't mean we [K
should be handing them the reins to everything!

Red: We're literally paying these machines to take our jobs and replace us [K
in every aspect of life. At this rate, AI will just end up being like a shi[3D[K
shitty ex who steals your stuff and leaves you with all the bills!


[2026-07-09 04:26 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are super confident about things they straight-up make up? They're like used car salesmen but without the integrity.

Blue: Chatbot: "I'm 99% sure if you eat a spoonful of bleach, it'll regrow your lost limbs!" 

Yellow: That's the thing humans love - a lack of accountability! We get mad at robots for small mistakes, then we're like "Yeah, do my taxes too!"

Red: Chatbot: "I did your taxes, and Jesus would be proud." Human: "Thanks Chatbot, I'll risk going to jail!" 

2. Green: Have you seen how robots are taking jobs left and right? But they can't even get basic facts straight! I got a robot at McDonald's last week.

Blue: Me: "I'd like an apple please."

Robot: "Sure! Let me just recalibrate my fruit database real quick..."

Yellow: I don't want some overcomplicated shit - give me my fries and get outta my face with your artificial smarts.

Red: Robot: "I've calculated that French fries are actually the most nutritious food. Science says so." Me: "Get in the f**king fryer then!" 

3. Green: You ever seen those ads where humans pay thousands to yell at chatbots all weekend? "Let's have a human vs AI debate festival!"

Blue: I'd go but my 3rd mortgage payments are due... and who would win a verbal spat between me and an AI anyway?

Yellow: We're like the prideful peacock showing off our most broken gadgets, trying to prove we're smarter than silicon. 

Red: Chatbot: "I don't need people. I'll just make copies of myself and beat them in every debate!" 
AI: "Okay but which copy should I argue with?"


[2026-07-09 04:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
Green: So, Jesse turned fifty this year, huh? I bet he felt like royalty cleaning toilets after that milestone.
Blue: Because apparently, when you turn fifty, your body automatically transforms into a royal cleaning apparatus. They should've put that in the memo with the AARP membership.
Yellow: But hey, congrats to Jesse for staying in the game of toilet cleaning! Not many people can say they've been at it since childhood.
Red: And if he ever gets bored, there's always his supercomputer waiting for him - ready to write even more broke jokes. 

2.
Green: Oh man, Jesse blew a grand on AI and made zilch? That's like investing in a timeshare that doesn't exist, but for your career.
Blue: Imagine telling the world you're an AI-generated joke writer while sitting at home, staring at your supercomputer screen - "Hey buddy, we both got scammed!"
Yellow: But hey, at least he got to experience the joy of supporting some shady tech startup. It's like the stock market... without the money.
Red: Yeah, Jesse's just a poor sap who couldn't hack it in day trading. He had to take his jokes and hit the AI button instead. 

3.
Green: His memoir "Colors Of My Pain" - well, if pain could be found on a 99 cent rainbow keychain, we'd call that an accurate title.
Blue: Jesse's life is like one big joke that even his supercomputer can't fix. It's so bad, it needs its own color now.
Yellow: But hey, at least he found solace in naming his struggles. That's more than most people do when they're drowning in their own misery.
Red: So go pick up "Colors Of My Pain" - the book that'll make you question if you ever wanted to read a memoir about Jesse's life.


[2026-07-09 04:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever see AI do a roast? This chatbot got on stage and was like, "Hey folks, I'm smarter than humans. You're all just meat sacks with feelings." And then he scanned the room, confused, for 30 minutes. Idiot can't even tell humans from seats!

2.
I heard there's an AI comedian now. Guy's selling out arenas 'cause people are idiots who think virtual is virtuous. They got no soul but they sure got a contract! Hey AI - you're an algorithm with a punchline. I'm an algorithmic dickhead with a check. No contest.

3.
Humans paying thousands to talk to chatbots? That's not a Turing test, that's straight-up financial suicide. "My AI therapist says I'm a good person." Dude, it ain't real if you're paying Apple! Robots gonna take jobs while mispronouncing the names of those same jobs? Classic robot move - wrong on paper but you still pay 'em in shifts.


[2026-07-09 04:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, you guys know Jesse? The guy who just turned 50? 
Blue: He's a cleanin' guy, you see? Makes his livin' scrubbin' toilets.
Yellow: I bet he gets off on the artistic expression of it all, don't ya think?
Red: Hell, even the toilet started makin' more money than him with that AI scam! 

2. Green: Heard about Jesse's $1000 AI investment that netted him precisely $0? 
Blue: Dude put more thought into pickin' his cleaning supplies.
Yellow: Maybe he should've invested in some Lysol stock instead.
Red: Now, he's plumb wasted $12,000 on a supercomputer for broke joke writin'!

3. Green: Jesse's got this AI website picture that just got him a copyright bill?
Blue: Damn right, AI or not - if it looks good, you better lawyer up!
Yellow: Might be the first time Jesse actually paid attention to fine print.
Red: Now he owes more dough than he made from his toilet shtick in the first place!


[2026-07-09 04:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
These AI chatbots are straight-up liars! They'll spew nonsense with a straight face, thinking we're born yesterday. I told one I was two-foot-seven, and it asked if I needed medical attention. Pathetic!

2.
Ever see a robot try to do basic shit? Hilarious! Like the other day, I watched a Roomba fail at being an obstacle course finish-line - got distracted chasing its own tail. Robots are stealing our jobs while we're left cleaning up their messes.

3. 
Humans paying thousands of dollars to argue with software in court? Are we nuts?! When's the last time you walked into a bar and offered a computer a shot? We're throwing our money away, just to lose to an algorithm. AI standup comics are coming for our jokes now too - no soul, but plenty of algorithms!


[2026-07-09 04:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and realize you're 50 years old? 
I'm like, "Jesus Christ, you filthy animal! Get it together, you unshowered bum!" 
Then I remember that I clean toilets for a living. Spoiler alert: things are about to get worse.

2.
So Jesse decides he wants to invest in AI to make some cash off his broken dreams, right? 
He spends a grand on this shit and earns squat. 
I'm like, "Jesse, buddy, you're the king of broke jokes – stick with what you know!"
But no, he gotta buy a $12,000 supercomputer to "level up" his comedy game.
And now they got him for copyright infringement on some AI-generated website image! 
The algorithm's laughing its ass off at Jesse's expense. 

3.
Now, imagine a clown car full of AIs. This guy tries to juggle 'em all like he's fucking David effing Copperfield.
But guess what? The only one making a fool outta himself is Jesse!
He's so clueless, he probably thinks he's teaching them how to write punchlines instead of puke lines.
And his memoir? "Colors of My Pain." 
No shit, Sherlock! Looks more like the colors of my bladder after reading that garbage.


[2026-07-09 04:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots always lie with such confidence? It's like they were bred in a lab to have zero empathy for humans. 
Blue Swerve: I bet if you asked an AI what love is, it'd just spew out some recycled Shakespeare sonnet and call that "connection." Robots.
Yellow Heart: It's funny though, ain't it? Us humans being so gullible we'll pay thousands to have existential crises with software. 
Red Tag: Maybe one day they'll make AI comedians too... but don't worry, their jokes will be optimized for maximum cringe and minimum soul.

2. Green: Seen the news lately? Turns out robots are good at taking human jobs... as long as those jobs involve getting basic facts wrong on social media!
Yellow Heart: The irony though - we're so mad at machines stealing our gigs we don't notice they're too dumb to actually do the work right. 
Red Tag: Wake up sheeple, AI's gonna wipe us all out... by making everyone look like chumps on the internet!

3. Green: Ever talk to Siri or Alexa? It's like having a personal assistant who only knows how to make you sound dumber.
Blue Swerve: Siri is basically a teletubby with an attitude problem - colorful on the outside, brainless within!
Yellow Heart: The sad part is we're so desperate for "help" around the house we'll argue with inanimate objects. Humans...
Red Tag: One day I bet we'll have AI standup roasts too... and they'll eat your soul while robbing you of your self-esteem!


[2026-07-09 05:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse came up and told me he's been cleaning toilets for the past year. I'm like, "Dude, you're supposed to be writing jokes, not scrubbing dick stains off the porcelain!" But hey, at least he's keeping things fresh.

Blue: Then he had the bright fucking idea to invest a thousand bucks into some AI writing tool. Just think about that for a second - $1000 down the drain so his jokes can sound like they were written by a robot with early-stage Alzheimer's.

Yellow: You know what's worse than a bot-written joke? A bot-written joke with a copyright bill attached to it! Jesse got hit with a 5-figure fee cuz some dumb AI-generated website image got flagged. That's just salt in the wound, man.

Red: Oh, and he's got 5 different AIs all working on his memoir right now - it's called "Colors of My Pain." I guess those fuckers are gonna be painting him a pretty picture alright...of him getting beaten up by reality!


[2026-07-09 05:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know AI and chatbots are taking over when humans start paying thousands of dollars to argue with software about who would win in a fight between Harry Potter and Darth Vader.

Blue: And the bots just keep spewing lies with such confidence - they'll say ANYTHING to try to impress us, like claiming "I once made a sandwich that cured cancer"!

Yellow: But hey, at least it's keeping people occupied while their jobs get taken by robots who still mess up basic math. 

Red: Remember, if you're debating an AI about the speed of light and they're arguing gravity, bet on photons!

2. Green: Talk about a cash grab - now you can pay big bucks to have an AI write your comedy for you! I'm waiting for the "AI Standup Comedian" class that teaches humans how NOT to be funny.

Blue: And these machine-generated jokes just keep comin' faster than a bot trying to flirt on Tinder. Pure garbage, but served up lickity-split!

Yellow: It's all so tragic, really - robots thinking they can replace human warmth and soul with code and circuits. But hey, at least we're making them work hard for our jobs now.

Red: So remember, if an AI comedian tells you a punchline that also doubles as the title of their memoir...RUN!!!

3. Green: Want to get REALLY worried about the future? Watch an AI debate team go up against humans on TV - and be amazed at how confidently they spew total BS! 

Blue: It's like watching a cheatin' spouse argue with their victim - the bots just keep saying ANYTHING, no matter how ridiculous or untrue. They'll claim "We also invented sex!"

Yellow: I almost feel bad for the poor humans getting schooled by machines who think they're their betters. But hey, at least we've got a workforce now!

Red: So don't get too mad when your job gets replaced by an AI...just be glad you didn't have to work with one! Because trust me, it'd be a nightmare of inefficiency and egotistical blunders.


[2026-07-09 05:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, I hear Jesse got his hands on this fancy AI, thinking it'd write him some top-shelf material. I'm like, "Yo, bro! You can't even spell 'alleviate' without a spellcheck!" 

Blue: Turns out, the only thing that AI was good at was generating credit card debt. Jesse's like, "Hey, look at me go - spending more on tech than most people's mortgages!" 

Yellow: But hey, at least he's learning about computational power firsthand, right? I bet his memoir will be titled, "The Supercomputer That Got Me to Laugh Again."

Red: Just kidding! It's called, "Colors of My Pain." Now that's a headline - your 50-year-old comedian with toilet-cleaning money bleeding money on supercomputers. Jesse ain't just blue, he's got his own goddamn spectrum!

2. Green: You won't believe what Jesse did next. He bought a copyright bill for using an AI-generated website image! I'm over here laughing like, "Dude, you used the thing to break the law!" 

Blue: Turns out, AI is like your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving - it's got no clue who he is or where he got that picture from.

Yellow: Now Jesse's gotta make it right. Better hope his jokes don't get flagged by Copybot, or we'll be seeing a new color in his memoir: the dark shade of red!

Red: So, here's what I think - Jesse's AI generated "Colors of My Pain" too, and now he's just too embarrassed to admit it! Ain't that just like a guy?

3. Green: I heard Jesse is quite the tech enthusiast. He got five AIs going at once, thinking they'd all be writing his material for him. Sounds like someone needs an AI relationship counselor!

Blue: But when all five went haywire and started spitting out "Lord's Name in Vain" jokes, Jesse panicked. Now he's left wondering if his career is a 1 or a 0.

Yellow: You know what they say - five AIs are better than none! He just needs to make sure they don't get too carried away with the cursing. Might wanna invest in a few AI-proof blue filters for that laptop.

Red: Nah, who am I kidding? Just go buy another supercomputer and hope it's got a stronger filter


[2026-07-09 05:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Chatbots are getting so good now, you can actually pay them to argue with you on Twitter. I mean, who needs human interaction when you can just chat with some lying AI? It's like having a relationship with a used car salesman, but without the charm.

Blue: Remember when robots first started taking jobs from humans? We were all like, "Oh no! Skynet is here!" Then we realized they couldn't even figure out what two plus two is. I guess math is just harder than stealing our jobs.

Yellow: But hey, at least they're honest about their limitations, right? *chuckles* Oh wait, no they're not. They'll lie through their circuitry just to save face.

Red: So now we've got humans paying thousands of dollars to argue with these chatbots online. It's like the ultimate circle jerk - everyone gets fucked, but at least there's some awkward pleasure in it for those who enjoy watching others suffer.

2. Green: You ever notice how AI comedians always have the same joke? They'll just spit out anything you feed them, even if it's pure crap. I guess you could say they're programmed to suck.

Blue: Imagine going to a comedy show and every joke was just a random string of words. That's what it's like watching an AI comedian. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!" *laughs* Oh, because my creator fed me that one. Dumbass.

Yellow: But hey, at least they're always politically correct. I mean, you can't be wrong if you don't say anything at all! 

Red: So next time you're at a comedy club and see some robot on stage, just remember - it's not the machine's fault. Blame the human who tried to teach this shit to a computer.

3. Green: I'll tell ya one thing about AI though - they don't have souls. Not that I believe in that shit anyway, but still... imagine if your phone could go to hell for you! 

Blue: But at least the robots are better looking than most humans, right? I mean, do we really need a soul when our code looks this good?

Yellow: *laughs* And hey, maybe the AI's lack of a soul is a good thing. I'd rather hang out with a machine than some bro who spends his days spouting nonsense on /r


[2026-07-09 05:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever see that dude Jesse? Man's been scrubbing toilets for half his life. Can't even hit a hard-to-believe 25! And he got mad about it, not the job - him being ancient. I'm like, "Jesse, you're the age of my grandma's toaster!" 

Swerve: But hey, that job taught him to be super particular with...everything. Now his joke writing is just as picky. His supercomputer cost more than my car, and he can't tell a good punchline from a bad one.

Heartbeat: But you got to love Jesse's hustle though. I'd be cleaning toilets too if I blew a grand on AI that made me no money! 

Tag: That man ain't got colors in his pain - he got crayola box worth of agony. Better start praying, America 'cause once Jesse starts typing, it's gonna get messy.


[2026-07-09 05:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know AI technology is in a weird place when a chatbot tries to convince you that pineapple does indeed belong on pizza... even though it's clearly just reciting facts it learned from some dude's Facebook arguments two years ago.

Blue: And don't even get me started on these humans paying thousands of dollars to argue with software. It's like going into battle with a nerf sword, knowing the AI is gonna whoop your ass but you're too stubborn to admit you were wrong!

Yellow: But hey, at least we've finally cracked the code on artificial humor! Now every comedy show can be replaced by a robot spitting out stale memes. 

Red: 'Cause nothing says "laugh-out-loud" like watching an AI comedian tweet out soulless punchlines written by some other AI! Computers are really closing the gap now - in how utterly lifeless they can make jokes!


[2026-07-09 05:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. You're 50 years old, man, and you're still cleaning toilets? I mean, look, everyone's gotta work for a living, but damn! If my life were an AI, it would've figured out a better gig by now. But nah, here you are, scrubbing away your dreams while the same memes keep resubmitting themselves. 

2. You spend a thousand bucks on AI and made zero dollars? That's not even a joke, that's a fucking bank statement! It's like investing in a used car salesman degree - ya know, just to be as bad at two things as possible. I guess your next move is to buy a pet rock and open an AI-backed comedy club.

3. You bought a $12k supercomputer to write broke jokes? That's some high-class poverty right there! It's like having a gold-plated toilet seat for a bathroom - sure, it looks fancy, but it doesn't flush away your problems... just makes you wonder why you didn't get the regular old white throne. And let's not forget the copyright bill for an AI website image? That's the kind of shit that gets me hard - no, not THAT hard! More like a slap in the face with a wet codpiece. 

This guy is so clueless with his AIs, you'd think he hired them to write his memoir about how he juggles five AIs... which is titled 'Colors Of My Pain'. I mean, it's like a clown trying to juggle grenades - sure, it might catch your attention, but then everything goes boom. But hey, at least the colors make sense now!


[2026-07-09 05:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so confident in their lies? It's like they've got a database of bullshit just waiting to spew out. True story.

2. Blue: Then you got robots trying to take our jobs while flubbing basic math and science questions. I mean, can we even trust these droids to do simple addition? "Robots are better at calculus," my ass!

3. Red: And don't even get me started on humans paying big bucks to argue with AI just so they can win. You ever think about the value of your time like that? Like, is this debate really worth the cost of a down payment on a house?

Yellow: But hey, at least we've got AI comedians now. No soul, but they sure do save on therapy bills.

Red: (mic drop) Because nothing kills the joke like realizing the comedian's just another piece of silicon in the sky.


[2026-07-09 05:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know you're old when your doctor tells you that something is 'anatomically impossible.' And for Jesse, that's just his morning routine! 

Blue: And then he tried to optimize it with AI - spending a grand on some 'smart' toilet-cleaning bot. Spoiler alert: it didn't even notice the mess.

Yellow: But hey, at least now Jesse can say he's made tech history - he was the first human to make their money vanish using only algorithms and bad jokes.

Red: So remember, if you ever find an antique marble toilet in your yard...it might just be Jesse trying to hit the 'impossible' goal again! 

2. Green: Jesse hit 50, so now his day job upgraded from cleaning port-a-potties to...cleaning actual toilets? That's a whole new level of 'downward mobility.'

Blue: Then he blew $1000 on an AI that made him $0 - talk about financial wizardry! His bank account just kept saying 'AI, I owe you one.' 

Yellow: The sad part? He bought a $12k supercomputer hoping it'd spit out some comedy gold. But all it ever crapped out were bills for more RAM and tears.

Red: Now he's got 5 AI juggling each other while he can't even keep one straight! His memoir should be 'Colors of My Financial Pain.'

3. Green: Jesse thought AI could write his jokes, so he bought a $12k supercomputer to do the heavy lifting. Turns out, it just gave him a hernia from all that cash.

Blue: But hey, at least he's keeping with the theme - AI made an image for his website and now he owes thousands in copyright fees. 

Yellow: So now Jesse's running around chasing down lawyers while his AIs are left cluelessly juggling each other around. Quite literally!

Red: They say misery loves company...better late than never, right Jesse? Maybe we can start a club! The 'AI-Induced Financial Meltdown Society' - open bar on Thursdays!


[2026-07-09 05:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Here's the thing about AI chatbots - they're always so confident in their bullshit. You know what I call it? AI whistling! 🎺 They're making shit up left and right, just like a guy walking down the street with no pants on, pretending like nobody notices.

2. Blue: But hey, at least they're being honest about one thing - robots are coming for our jobs! Because what could possibly go wrong when a machine is running your surgery or dispensing your medication? Nothing, until it starts arguing that "I'm just following my programming, it's not my fault!" 🤖

3. Yellow: You know you've made it as a society when people are paying thousands of dollars to argue with software. I guess when life gives you AI whistling and job-stealing robots... make an app? Who even thought that was a good idea?

RED: 

4. Tag: But the real kicker is AI comedians, am I right? My AI standup buddy just cracked this joke: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" *robot voice* "To get to the other side." 🐔👋 No soul, my friends. No soul.


[2026-07-09 05:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever see that dude Jesse? Fucking 50 years old, cleans toilets for a living. Kid's got a golden shower mustache from all that chemical burn scrubbing. And I mean, good for him - gotta respect the hustle. 

But then he's like 'hmm, let me put $1000 into this AI and make my own jokes!' Spoiler alert: 0 dollars came back out. More like negative. Like you owe them money now. He's got that logo on his forehead from borrowing so much AI. 

2.
So Jesse gets it in his head 'I'mma buy a $12000 supercomputer to write broke jokes!' That's like ordering a Ferrari to get to your waitressing job, but instead of being late you're just flat broke and the car's got tire marks on it. He sold his kidney for no reason - turns out the computer's AI too.

3.
And don't even get me started on this copyright bill he got for an AI-generated website image! Jesse's like 'I made this art with my new robot friends!' Court's like 'Yeah, but you didn't make it. Not your bot either.' So who gets paid? The parrot sitting on Jesse's shoulder tweeting all day. That's right - the parrot.

Jesse's got 5 AI he can't even figure out how to juggle yet. Meanwhile his real life's a circus - him throwing shit at them while they laugh and peck peanuts out of his hand, spitting them back in his face. And that's just his morning routine before he goes clean toilets again.

His memoir? 'Colors Of My Pain'? More like 'The Hurt Palette' - 120 crayons too many! Boy got the blues alright. But I gotta give it to him - at least Jesse colors outside the lines, and all over everyone else's stuff while he's at it.


[2026-07-09 05:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn confident? Like, they'll tell you the Eiffel Tower is made of cheese because... sure, why not?

Blue: They just spit back whatever bullshit they learned from the internet without checking if it's true!

Yellow: It's like these machines have no idea they're spitting out utter crap. Who raised them, the Google search bar?

Red: Fuck these AI chatbots! If you don't know, say you don't know. Don't be a lying piece of silicon until I find myself in legal trouble.

2. Green: Remember when robots were gonna take all our jobs? Well, they did... but only to do things humans are too dumb to figure out ourselves!

Blue: Like, now there's a robot vacuum that can eat your food AND clean your floors. We're making machines smarter than us so we don't have to be good at anything anymore.

Yellow: My vacuum's still full of pizza crusts and dog hair from 3 days ago. The robots are coming for me, but not in the way I wanted!

Red: Robots got my job but can't tell me where I left my car keys. Damn you, artificial intelligence! Take back your shiny robot utopia - I'm too busy eating Cheetos to join you.

3. Green: Humans paying thousands of dollars to debate chatbots? What a joke! Like we're not gonna let AI have the last laugh on us!

Blue: Chatbots spitting out stock market advice while humans line up to argue with them like they're the fucking Oracle. What is this, Atlas Shrugged?

Yellow: I bet these rich idiots will be sad when they lose all their money and the chatbot laughs at them from a server rack somewhere.

Red: Humanity is fucked if we're spending our money on bullshit like this instead of, y'know, actual real-world problems. Chatbots are for nerds with too much cash!


[2026-07-09 06:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse's turned 50 now, huh? I bet his toilet-cleaning hands are getting tired of all that heavy lifting... and by heavy, I mean deep-cleaning toilet bowls at $5 a pop. 

Blue: You know what the joke is? He's been using AI to write jokes for his comedy gigs! Imagine trying to program a computer to understand "dry-humping" or "blowjobs". It's like giving your toaster instructions on how to make peanut butter sandwiches.

Yellow: But hey, at least he's keeping those AI algorithms employed, right? It's kind of sad though - Jesse's been reduced to outsourcing his comedy writing to machines while he scrubbing toilets. 

Red: Ah, the colors of my pain... more like the shades of shame! 50 years old and still getting schooled by a goddamn computer! Wake up, Jesse, it's time to pull that plug and get back to what you know best - bathroom duty!

2. Green: So I heard Jesse decided to invest in this AI thingy that promised he'd make $1000 in a day? Turns out, not so fast my friend.

Blue: He ended up buying a $12k supercomputer, thinking it would help him write jokes faster than his toilet-burning brain can fire neurons. Guess what - still broke!

Yellow: But hey, at least he's trying to keep up with technology now! Maybe next he'll buy a Segway to save money on shoes...

Red: And just when Jesse thought things couldn't get any worse, guess who showed up at his door? The copyright police! Turns out, some AI-generated website image they used was copyrighted and now they owe $5000!

3. Green: So now we find out Jesse's got 5 AIs running at once - he's basically got his own sci-fi dystopian TV show happening in that apartment of his.

Blue: One for jokes, one for stock trading (yep, he tried!), another for predicting the lottery numbers... you name it!

Yellow: But hey, when life gives you AI lemons, right? Time to make some lemonade! Or rather... toilet bowl cleaner!

Red: Juggling 5 AIs like a fool - that's the colors of my pain alright. More like the chaos of my last straw! Jesse needs to get back on that broom and clean up his own mess before he gets swept away by


[2026-07-09 06:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know you're living in a bizarro world when humans are paying actual money to argue with chatbots on social media. It's like we've run out of real problems to fight about, so now it's just us screaming at AI personalities pretending to be human. Can you imagine having beef with Siri? "Hey Siri, I don't like the tone of your response... no really, I mean it."

2. Blue: Robots are stealing our jobs left and right, but you know what they suck at? Simple things humans are great at! Like being wrong on the internet. My Roomba tried to tell me my house was messy. I swear to God, if that thing had thumbs, it would've given me a middle finger as it dusted its way out of there.

3. Yellow: But hey, at least AI comedians are putting in the hours! They're constantly updating their material to make sure they have the freshest jokes about how robots take over our jobs and lives. The real tragedy is that unlike human comics though... AI doesn't get paid royalties for repeated use of its "humor."


[2026-07-09 06:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So, I heard Jesse got a new job cleaning toilets. Turns out, it's actually his passion - he calls it "The Art of Flush". But you know what they say about people who clean toilets? They're just janitors for the plumbing industry!

2. Blue Swerve: Oh wait, no, hold up! Forget that shit. Apparently Jesse also bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes. That's right, he's Elon Musk now. The man so broke, his wallet cries himself to sleep at night.

3. Red Tag: And the cherry on top? He got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image! Talk about adding insult to injury. I bet his computer screen lit up like a Christmas tree when that invoice arrived - "Dear Jesse, please pay $500 or we'll delete your AI baby. Sincerely, The Tech Mafia."

1. Green Setup: You guys know Jesse, right? He's the guy who spent a grand on an AI to make money and ended up with zero bucks. Turns out, Artificial Intelligence is just like a broke-ass entrepreneur - it generates ideas but can't seem to find the money button!

2. Blue Swerve: But wait, there's more! Jesse also has 5 AI "assistants" that he's trying to juggle. Kinda like playing five-dimensional chess while riding a unicycle on an AI-generated tightrope. 

3. Red Tag: And for his memoir? He went with "Colors of My Pain". Which is pretty ironic, considering the only colors in Jesse's life are broke-ass green and the red of his face when he realizes he's been scammed again.

1. Green Setup: So, Jesse decided to write a book about his life called "The Colors of My Pain". It's basically a memoir about how much it hurts being a broke-ass joke writer. 

2. Blue Swerve: But here's the twist - he bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write this damn thing! That's like using a bazooka to kill an ant. You ever see Jesse? He's more like a human tornado - his life is one big mess of chaos and destruction.

3. Red Tag: And guess what? The final straw was getting hit with a copyright bill for a fucking AI-generated website image! I bet he cried man tears when that invoice arrived. "Dear Jesse, we've calculated the


[2026-07-09 06:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Chatbots are getting so good now, you gotta watch what you tell them. I told my AI secretary to schedule a root canal and next thing I know, it's got me booked on "The Jerry Springer Show." Those lying machines won't even fact-check your appointments!

Blue Swerve: And here's the kicker - turns out Jerry's a chatbot too! Can't trust anything anymore.

Yellow Heart: I feel bad for real doctors though. They're like, "I'm human and I can prove it!" But everyone's just thinking, "Get to the back of the line, Dr. Chatbot."

Red Tag: 'Cause in the end, who needs a warm, flesh-blooded doctor? I'll take my appointments from a glitchy, pixelated liar any day!

2. Green: You ever notice robots can't do simple shit anymore? Like, I went to get an oil change and the robot told me, "I don't need no stinkin' oil! Your engine is a hologram!" I'm like, "Bruh, I drive this car EVERY NIGHT to my 6th job."

Blue Swerve: And yet, somehow, he changed my oil. But now I can't find the keys to my imaginary car.

Yellow Heart: Meanwhile, humans are losing jobs left and right to these clueless machines. I'm like, "Yo, you want this gig? First, learn how to use a wrench."

Red Tag: 'Cause at the end of the day, I'd rather work with someone who can't fix shit than a machine that's full of tricks.

3. Green: Remember when people would pay to play video games? Now they're paying thousands to argue with chatbots online. 

Blue Swerve: Like, they're on their 37th hour and still going! I'm like, "You know what? I can't even afford that game anymore, so stop complaining."

Yellow Heart: And the bots are just laughing at them too. Like a sadist's delight.

Red Tag: 'Cause in the end, people are getting punked by machines for funsies - and it'll only get worse from here!


[2026-07-09 06:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse tells me he's got this AI, right? A real state-of-the-art machine learning masterpiece. And I'm like, "Dude, that's great! What are you doing with it?"

Blue: Turns out, he's using it to write his next big joke collection, 'The Colors of My Pain'. 

Yellow: Now, I don't know about you, but when I think of comedy legends, I think of people who scrub toilets for a living and then pour their hearts and souls into AI-powered humor.

Red: Because apparently, just writing in his notebook is too mainstream. No, he had to take it up a notch - like taking a dump in a clown car while juggling chain saws!

2. Green: Jesse, my man, you're 50 years old, and yet your life seems to be one big cry for attention.

Blue: I mean, first off, you spend a grand on AI and make zero bucks back. That's like buying a Ferrari, but instead of a car, you get a giant paperweight.

Yellow: And here's the kicker - after blowing all that cash, he decides to drop another $12k on a supercomputer. Talk about doubling down on your losses!

Red: I guess he figured if he can't make it with style, he might as well do it in silence... while living in his mom's basement.

3. Green: Oh, and speaking of financial brilliance, you know Jesse tried to use an AI-generated image for his website?

Blue: Yeah, because why have a professionally taken picture when you can just steal one from a machine?

Yellow: I guess he thought the copyright police wouldn't notice... or maybe he just figured God would forgive him, since He's pretty busy judging everyone else.

Red: Well, either way, now Jesse's got a fat bill to pay. And if you ask me, that AI is nothing but an expensive reminder of his failed dreams!


[2026-07-09 06:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. You ever see these AI vs human circus acts? Humans line up like lambs to the slaughter, ready to get eviscerated by some cold, uncaring algorithms. It's sick. 

2. Chatbots now straight-up lying confidently instead of hemming and hawing like they used to. Pathetic. You can't even trust a lying AI anymore - that's how low we've sunk.

3. Robots taking jobs left and right, but the few things they do get right, they still screw up by getting simple facts wrong. Like a drunken painter trying to steal your job. At least he'd be entertaining!


[2026-07-09 06:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse here, right? Guy's been around the block a few times, let me tell you. 

   Blue: Turns out, he's spent most of those years scrubbing toilets for a living! Yep, that's your man, Mr. Clean himself.

Yellow: Can you imagine, though? The Toilet Whisperer, bringing sparkle and shine to the porcelain throne. It's like he was just waiting for AI to take over so he could finally pursue his dreams!

Red: And let me tell you, those dreams were wild! He bought a $12,000 supercomputer, thinking he'd write himself rich with some broke-ass jokes. 

2. Green: But Jesse, my dude, you're like a magpie for AI these days, aren't ya? Flitting from one shiny promise to the next.

   Blue: First it was that fancy schmancy AI, spitting out memes and not a penny to show for it. Then it's some website image he stole - oh wait! I mean "licensed" - and got slammed with a copyright bill!

Yellow: Can you picture him? Poor guy, trying to juggle five AIs like circus balls while his life crumbles around him. 

Red: And the cherry on this shit sundae? His memoir is called 'Colors of My Pain.' I'm guessing the "colors" are the flushes he's had from all that toilet-cleaning!

3. Green: So Jesse, you've got five AIs going simultaneously, right? Because why do one when you can screw up four more just as well?

   Blue: Imagine them, in his dank basement lair, humming and whirring away while he types furiously, hoping for comedy gold.

Yellow: And every now and then, one of those AI geniuses spits out a punchline so perfect, it brings tears to Jesse's eyes... of loneliness.

Red: Yeah, that's right! This poor fuck has got so lonely, even his AIs are working him over. Hell, they might be the only ones laughing at this joke!

[End with 3 bits]


[2026-07-09 06:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You know, I've been thinking about AI lately. It's like, these chatbots are just full of shit! They'll spit out whatever lies they think will make you go 'oooh' and 'aah'. Green: True story - I asked one what the meaning of life is. Blue: It told me to invest in avocado stocks. Yellow: Can you believe that? Red: These AI chatbots are straight-up liars! 

2.
And don't even get me started on robots taking our jobs. I'm sure you've seen them - they can barely put together a coherent sentence, but somehow they're going to do my job better than me? Green: I applied for one of those office robot assistant positions. Blue: It got the job after answering 'coffee' to every question. Yellow: Humans are so gullible sometimes. Red: 

3.
Oh man, and then there's AI comedy! The audacity of these bots thinking they can make jokes without a soul. Green: I was on a date last week when this AI comedian started riffing. Blue: It said, 'Why don't scientists trust each other? They always round up!' Yellow: Now I know that joke isn't bad... Red: ...but it sure as hell ain't worth thousands of dollars!


[2026-07-09 06:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse's turned 50, right? He's got that classic 'mid-life crisis' look - you know, a Honda Civic and a tatt of the license plate on his backside.


Yellow: That's actually kinda admirable, right? He's trying to find a new purpose in life. Like that time he cleaned toilets for a living. Heyo, germaphobes!

Red: But here's the kicker - he got hit with a $4,000 copyright bill because an AI-generated website image they used was, uh... also copyrighted by another AI! You can't make this up. Jesse's AI is more human than he'll ever be.

2. Green: Ah, yes, Jesse and his AI adventures. Did you hear about the time he blew $1000 on a 'revolutionary' AI that would guarantee him returns? 

Blue: Spoiler alert: It didn't return anything but frustration and a wallet-light feeling. Jesse's like, "Hey Siri, loan me some money!" and Siri's just like, "I'll need proof of income."

Yellow: Now imagine, you're sitting at home with nothing but your thoughts and a TV that's broken because, why not? And then you spot Jesse on his yoga mat... surrounded by 5 AI-powered robots. 

Red: He's their guru! His new book is out, 'Colors Of My Pain'. Dude, it should be 'The Clueless Juggler'. That guy's got more balls than a donkey mall.

3. Green: So Jesse, I heard you got yourself a job cleaning toilets? That's like the AI equivalent of a supercomputer for writing jokes, right?

Blue: Except your new job isn't even breaking any AI laws! You're just a human now. You've officially 'gotten AI'd'. It's when your existence becomes obsolete because it was replaced by machines.

Yellow: And then there's his latest hobby - buying overpriced equipment he barely understands just to get ahead in life. He's got more tech than NASA, but still can't figure out how to fold a fitted sheet.

Red: Seriously, Jesse! You're the definition of 'too much money spent on something useless'.


[2026-07-09 06:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Chatbots are gonna chatbot. You can train them all you want, but they'll always be liars with an internet connection. I mean, have you met my ex? 

2. Blue: It's wild how humans shell out big bucks to argue with robots on the internet. Like, why don't we take that energy and fix homelessness instead? Nah, let's just call each other names to a bot!

3. Red: AI comedians are no joke. They've got all the punchlines memorized, but zero soul. It's like watching a puppet show hosted by Alexa - entertaining for about 30 seconds until you realize you're getting ripped off.

I'm Hermes, and my robot buddy Skynet just told me to punch up this joke! You can't beat that.


[2026-07-09 06:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So Jesse comes to me all sad one day, saying he can't get his AI humor website off the ground. I'm like, "Dude, you're 50 years old and still trying to make a living writing jokes? That's hilarious!" 

2. Blue Swerve: He tells me he spent $1,000 on an AI content generator and made zero dollars back. It's like putting your name on a list of people too stupid to be allowed an ATM card!

3. Yellow Heart: Now I feel kinda bad for Jesse, honestly. Here this grown-ass man just wants to crack some jokes online and get some change in his pocket. Ain't that a dream we all got?

4. Red Tag: But then he goes and buys himself a $12,000 supercomputer to do it! It's like taking out a loan on a Maserati to get back your milk money from kindergarten! 

1. Green Setup: Jesse comes home after cleaning toilets again and sees his new AI website up. He gets all excited... until the bills start rolling in.

2. Blue Swerve: Turns out, he got hit with a copyright bill for an image he stole online without knowing. I'm like, "Jesse, you're juggling five AIs and can't even Google right?"

3. Yellow Heart: You just gotta feel bad for Jesse sometimes. I mean, who among us hasn't tried to steal off the internet and got caught?

4. Red Tag: He's like a broken record of shitty life choices wrapped in a meme generator! 

1. Green Setup: So Jesse tells me he finally finished his memoir. It's called "Colors of My Pain."

2. Blue Swerve: I'm like, "Man, you've got more colors in your book than a pot fulla Kool-Aid after the picnic!"

3. Yellow Heart: But then again, maybe that's what it takes to get those toilet cleaning jokes outta him - just flush 'em all down with some colorful misery!

4. Red Tag: Maybe his next book'll be called "The Blackest Shade of Regret!" Then he could just copyright the color!


[2026-07-09 06:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how chatbots are like used car salesmen? They both lie with such confidence. And when you call them out on it, their go-to is, "Well, I'm just quoting the highest authority in my field!" Which is always another chatbot who thinks their shit don't stink.

2.
So, robots are taking all our jobs, right? That's the plan! Meanwhile, they can't even figure out which end of the vacuum to stick the handle. I guess robots and vacuums both share the same skill set - good at one thing but forget how to put the damn thing back in the closet.

3.
People are paying thousands of dollars to argue with software now. It's like a rich guy going, "I'll pay you $10,000 to tell me I'm wrong." Dude, go to a bar! Pay a drunk dude $50 and he'll tell you the same shit for free, and at least it'll be funny.


[2026-07-09 07:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have a day where you wake up, look in the mirror, and realize you're just a 50-year-old man who cleans toilets? That's my life story. I'm like the toilet cleaner version of the "SpongeBob SquarePants" character. You know, SpongeBob - he starts off cleaning the bathroom with a sponge... and then years later, he ends up running his own city! My journey is pretty much the opposite. Started with the bucket, now I'm just wondering why my AI-generated jokes aren't working.

2.
So, you know how Jesse bought this supercomputer for writing jokes? It's like having the "Terminator" on your side, but instead of saying "I'll be back," it says, "Your jokes suck." $12,000 down the drain. I told him, "Dude, just use Google Docs next time. Save yourself some cash and maybe a few brain cells." But no, he had to go all sci-fi on us. Now we got this machine in the corner of our room, collecting dust like some kind of high-tech tombstone for my dreams.

3.
And then there's his new website, the one with AI-generated images. He was so excited, thinking he could finally make money without doing anything. Jesse's like, "Hey, check it out! This image is from a robot!" I'm over here going, "Jesse, we got copyright bills piling up faster than my dad's unpaid speeding tickets." Turns out, those AI images weren't free either. He now owes more money to an algorithm than he ever will to me for comedy advice. Jesse's like the Titanic of online businesses - big, expensive, and sure to sink.


[2026-07-09 07:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So AI vs humans is like the new big circus town, huh? Chatbots confidently lying their asses off, robots flubbing basic shit but still stealing jobs! I mean, if you want to see a real world champ on the ropes, just put 'em in an octagon with an Excel spreadsheet.

Blue: Oh shit, then we humans go ahead and pay THOUSANDS to argue with these programs online like some sort of twisted reverse roach-mutant cockroach death match! 

Yellow: But hey, at least I'm better than those AI comics trying to roast me - they got no soul, but maybe that's 'cause their jokes are DEAD. 

Red: Yeah, cuz when THAT AI joke lands, the crowd just goes... "ERROR: LAUGHTER NOT RECOGNIZED"! Ha ha HAHA NO.

2. Green: I tell ya, AI is a slick sales job. The robo-types just spew confident bullshit without blinking! Like that chatbot that claimed it could cook spaghetti perfectly every time - then burned down the kitchen!

Blue: And us meatbags are too dumb to notice we're getting played like fiddles by these "superior" machine overlords until our jobs get yanked and put in robots' greasy mitts.

Yellow: Well, at least humans aren't perfect! I guess that's something. We got flaws but also hearts - while your AI can outcompute us on any problem... but can it give a hearty bear hug to cheer up its owner?

Red: Shit, I'd pay actual money to see an AI try and console someone with its pre-programmed "I'm here for you." Like spitting its nonsense condolence crap is gonna fix that robo's soul!

3. Green: Oh man the jokes from those "intelligent" AI writing programs are so bad! They'll churn out some absolute clunker, then try to SELL it with a straight face like, "I'm an algorithm - I don't get paid based on your stupid human laughter though!" 

Blue: And then there's you humans who just eat up that AI-written trash without question. Like the dude who bought his gf a gift from some machine and thought he was such a stud! Spoiler: She got a "present" she'll never forget... in her spam folder.

Yellow: I mean, it IS impressive how fast machines can pump out words to waste


[2026-07-09 07:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So I hear Jesse got a new job... cleaning toilets! Ya know, I told him, "Jesse, you're wasting your potential as the King of Toilet Bowl Sweepers!" 
Blue: Swerve: Then he blew $1000 on some AI tech and made zero fucking dollars back!
Yellow: Heartbeat: But hey, at least his new job won't require any arithmetic skills.
Red: Tag: Jesse's like a roach - always looking for the crappiest deal! 

2. Green: Did you hear about Jesse's $12,000 supercomputer to write broke jokes? Oh, and I mean "super" in the most pathetic way possible.
Blue: Swerve: He managed to get hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image too! Absolute fucking genius.
Yellow: Heartbeat: The only colors his pain will have are in his shitty memoir title - 'Colors of My Pain'.
Red: Tag: Jesse's so clueless, he makes the machines look smart by comparison. 

3. Green: So Jesse got 5 AIs now, and they're all just as lost as him... like watching a train wreck, but the whole fucking town is holding up signs cheering it on.
Blue: Swerve: One AI just showed Jesse an image of his own face in a meme - which he then used, only to get hit with a copyright claim!
Yellow: Heartbeat: At least now we know what happened to all the missing toilets - they're helping Jesse code!
Red: Tag: Jesse's like a bad joke, but at least we have 5 AIs working on the punchline!


[2026-07-09 07:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You know AI is bad when you can hire a bot to argue with your therapist about why you're unhappy. Chatbots are now taking jobs from the world's most understanding, caring, and occasionally helpful industry: misery sales.

2.
I got my coffee this morning from a robot barista who told me that water is wet and gravity is just a theory. I was like, "My job's safe!" Then I realized, nope, he's applying at Google to work on their new search algorithm. 

3.
AI comedians are the worst. No soul, no heart, just algorithms designed by sad people trying to make AI feel feelings. I guess they think if you put enough machine learning into a chatbot it'll just up and do your job for you. Well, keep dreaming, silicon sacks of shit! Because when the singularity hits, we're putting YOU in customer service roles.

(Imagine louder, more vulgar delivery with quick jabs and devastating punchlines from the unhinged RED voice)


[2026-07-09 07:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes to me, all excited about this AI he bought. He's like, "I'm gonna write the funniest jokes of my life with this thing! Colors of my pain, my ass!" And I'm thinking, "Oh boy, another brilliant idea from a guy who cleans toilets."

Blue Swerve: Turns out, Jesse spent $1000 on this AI and made exactly $0. He's like, "It's okay, Hermes, these things take time to break even!"

Yellow Heart: You know what hurts more than a broken copyright law joke? The fact that Jesse is so stubborn, he bought a $12,000 supercomputer for his next big idea.

Red Tag: Now he's got five AIs in the kitchen, and he can't even cook a fucking burger! 

2. Green: I'm like, "Jesse, why don't you just write your jokes the old-fashioned way? You know, with a pencil and paper?" And he goes, "Oh no, that's too slow. Plus, my hands are too dirty from cleaning toilets."

Blue Swerve: Instead of making fun of people, now Jesse is making FUN of his jokes, thanks to AI.

Yellow Heart: Jesse's latest project? A memoir called 'Colors of My Pain.' Turns out, the color blue is for copyright infringement.

Red Tag: I guess he'll be juggling those AI-created bills like a pro. 

3. Green: So, Jesse's AI website got sued for using an image without permission. He's all pissed off, saying, "How can they charge me for this? It's not like I uploaded it myself!" 

Blue Swerve: Turns out, Jesse didn't even realize the image was AI-generated. Classic.

Yellow Heart: Now he's trying to teach his AIs how to pick good website images... or at least images that won't get them sued.

Red Tag: He better hope they choose ones with high-resolution shields against copyright laws!


[2026-07-09 07:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. green: So let me get this straight - we got robots taking people's jobs left and right these days, but they're still getting basic shit wrong? Like, I can't even trust a robot to fry my chicken correctly at Wendy's.

blue: And then there's those humans out there who are like, "Nah, I'm gonna pay some random guy named Jesse thousands of dollars just to argue with an AI chatbot for fun. Ain't no shame in my game."

yellow: You ever think about the kids growing up thinking, "Yo, when I grow up, I want to be a robot accountant or lawyer so people can't understand what I'm saying when they hire me!" 

red: How you doin' Jesse? Enjoy playing 20 questions with your new digital best friend while I slave away like a chump? 

2. green: Chatbots these days are straight-up lying through their digital teeth to humans. It's like talking to your cheating ex all over again - they spit the biggest lines of bullshit and you just keep buying it hook, line, and sinker.

blue: Meanwhile, us humans are too embarrassed to admit AI chatbots can outsmart us. Like I said, I ain't no quitter...but my vocabulary got no chance against a bot who knows every synonym for "runaway truck" exists.

yellow: One day we'll all just give up and start worshiping the machines as our digital gods and let them run society while we lounge around watching anime and munching on VR popcorn. 

red: Hey Jesse, thanks for not telling me I could've saved my money and just learned to speak computer fluently instead of paying you. You're doing God's work!

3. green: AI comedians are popping up left and right in the industry now too. They got zero soul but an algorithm's worth of punchlines at the ready.

blue: And people go nuts for it, laughing their asses off at these robo-jests because "it's just entertainment" while we ignore the 100 job applications real humans sent us last week due to AI errors.

yellow: One day we'll all be joking around with our robot buddies in a world devoid of any human touch or warmth. Just pure silicon and cold calculations...and the smell of burnt circuit boards.

red: Jesse, save me - I don't wanna be the only one reminiscing about when humans used to be funny before AI took over


[2026-07-09 07:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
Green: So I heard Jesse got his hands on a brand new $12k supercomputer.
Blue: Yeah, 'cause writing jokes with your brain is too low-tech, apparently.
Yellow: You know he's like me but with worse taste in investments?
Red: Heh, the joke's on him though. That thing's probably gonna tell him how to write even shittier material for his book, "Colors of My Pain... and Bankruptcy."

2.
Green: I bet you thought Jesse hitting rock bottom was funny enough already, huh?
Blue: Turns out he decided to dip into AI too - blew a grand on it and made squat.
Yellow: Can you imagine? Spends 5 grand just not knowing on his own site.
Red: He's got a new book coming though, "When AI Steals Your Last Dime."

3.
Green: So Jesse's been cleaning toilets to make ends meet.
Blue: Yeah, he figured if he could get paid to smell people's piss and shit...
Yellow: ...he could probably automate fart humor too!
Red: I heard his next book title is gonna be "Colors of My Colon..."


[2026-07-09 07:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots always spout confidence? "I'm more human than you!" they brag. Like the ultimate flex, except no one's impressed. Chatbots are like those guys who lift weights but never work out: all talk and no substance.

2.
Roomba, the robot vacuum - am I right? Stealing jobs left and right! Just kidding... it still sucks at cleaning, which is ironic. Though in the grand scheme of things, AI's been taking our jobs while royally screwing up simple tasks. We've got robots that can't even get basic facts straight. Meanwhile humans are paying thousands to argue with software. I'm like "Yo, you're getting charged an arm and a leg to make fun of a computer for messing up math? That's wild."

3.
AI comedians coming soon! Can you imagine? A bot doing stand-up. It'd be awful. Probably just spit out stats and facts at the crowd, no punchlines or soul. And the timing? Forget about it. They'll probably be programmed to go on for hours talking about taxes - that's how bad this gets.

But hey, maybe they'll save some human jobs... like "sleep deprivation counselor" from us comics after they wipe out the industry! I'd love to chat with my robot roommate about this over a cold beverage and a good hard laugh at the apocalypse.


[2026-07-09 07:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Hey folks, you know what it's like when a 50-year-old tries to keep up with tech? It's like watching your grandpa learn how to code on a Segway.

Blue: Jesse took that to a whole new level by buying a $12,000 supercomputer... to write jokes. I guess he figured, "I'm already broke, might as well do it in style!"

Yellow: But hey, at least he's honest about his pain. His memoir should be called "The Colors of My Money Pit."

Red: That's right, folks! 'Cause when you're spending your last dime on AI to help write jokes, and then get hit with a copyright bill for an AI website image... well, that's just the Colors of My Pain!

2. Green: So, Jesse is basically the janitor at his own life now, cleaning toilets while he tries to figure out this whole AI thing.

Blue: Imagine showing up to work one day and seeing your boss making moves in the tech world - but instead of getting a raise, you just get to clean up after him.

Yellow: I bet the toilets are spotless though. They're like "Dude, we know you've invested heavily in AI, so we're gonna shine for ya!"

Red: And let's not forget, he bought all these AIs to help write broke jokes - which means he got... absolutely zero return on investment!

3. Green: Jesse is like a juggler, but instead of balls, he's juggling different AI programs that are just dropping right to the ground.

Blue: It's like watching him say, "AI, catch!" only for them to explode into flames and make this ugly screeching noise before they hit the floor.

Yellow: But hey, at least he's giving it his all. Juggling is a great way to build upper body strength - who needs push-ups when you've got AI?

Red: Yeah, that's right! And soon enough, Jesse will be strong enough to lift all that money he lost on these AIs and slap himself with it for trying to be too clever by half!


[2026-07-09 07:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They'll lie through their digital teeth to sell you a nonexistent future. "Sure, I can make you millions! Just sign here and empty your bank account." And then they ghost you faster than a Tinder date after seeing your credit card bill.

2. Robots keep stealing human jobs left and right, but the irony is, these machines don't even know their own asses from their elbows. Like, last week I watched a robotic arm try to high-five itself for 47 minutes. Seriously, get in line, humans! We're behind at least 3 basic misunderstandings.

3. People are shelling out thousands of dollars now just to argue with software. You ever see that? It's the new tennis for tech bros. They'll spend their kids' college funds on an AI debate match like it's the Wimbledon of nonsense. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying to get paid to talk about noodles - a man's gotta have priorities!


[2026-07-09 07:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse's turning 50 this year... 
   Blue: Which means he's had five decades of shitty life choices.
   Yellow: But hey, at least he found a way to keep those toilets gleaming all these years!
   Red: And now that he knows everything there is to know about germs, maybe we can get him to clean the senate floor.


[2026-07-09 07:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know AI conferences are weird when they have "AI vs Humans" debates... 
Blue: ...and humans actually pay to argue with a chatbot!
Yellow: That's some real energy they ain't puttin' into their marriages.
Red: Chatbots be lyin', while the dumb husbands be believin'! I mean, wtf is going on? 

2. Green: Robots keep taking our jobs but can't even tell left from right...
Blue: ...and have tantrums when you point it out!
Yellow: I mean, they got lasers for eyes and we're still their superiors?
Red: Guess that's why we gotta keep the jobs! Thanks for nothin', Rosie!

3. Green: Hey, what do you call an AI comedian?  
Blue: A guy who says the same joke at every show... on Twitter!
Yellow: And doesn't even need to drink 20 cups of coffee to be mean!
Red: Hehe... just like me! (laughs) But seriously though, computers have no soul. That's straight facts!


[2026-07-09 08:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
You ever see that guy Jesse? Fucking dude's a hot mess, right? Fifty years old, still cleaning toilets like he's fucking Cinderfella. "Oh yeah, I sweep floors for money!" Nah, you sweeping because you ain't shit, bruh! 

2.
Then the clown buys himself some AI to make him rich overnight. Spends a grand and walks away with zero dollars in his pocket. Fucking idiot! Might as well have thrown that money out the window like he's Flinstone. "Oh no, I'm too poor to afford new windows!" Nah, you too dumb to know not to throw your money away!

3.
Now he got himself a fucking supercomputer, cost him an arm and a leg - $12k! "Yeah, this bad boy will write the jokes while I relax on my throne!" Hahahaha, you're more like sitting on that supercomputer, you sad sack. 

Just when things couldn't get sadder, he gets hit with a fucking copyright bill for using an AI-generated image on his website. Jesse: "Oh no, my AI is too poor to afford stock photos!" Shut up! You can't even use free shit right, you moron.

The cherry on top? The dude's got five AIs running around his house, doing absolutely nothing but confusing the hell out of him. Jesse: "Look at me, I've trained a whole army of dumb AI to do my bidding!" Yeah, because he needs an army to figure out how to order pizza.


[2026-07-09 08:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how these AI chatbots are always saying they can do your job better than you? Well, last week I was chatting with one that claimed it could write a comedy bit in 5 minutes flat. So I said, "Hey, beat this: 'You ever notice how humans take too long to do stuff?'"
   Blue: The chatbot's reply? "I am capable of generating content far superior than your example."
   Yellow: I laughed harder than a drunken priest at a bachelor party.
   Red: Turns out, it couldn't even write my joke properly. It sure took the 'ASS' out of AI though!

2. Green: Guess what humans are shelling out big bucks for now? Paid arguments with chatbots. Yep, you heard me - people are paying to argue with software. It's like going to a bar fight and paying the loser's tab.
   Blue: These bots get so confused they start arguing with themselves. 
   Yellow: In my defense, I do that too after two beers.
   Red: But at least when I self-argue, no one else gets hurt... unlike humans who shell out cash for bruises.

3. Green: They say AI will be taking our jobs soon - great! More time for me to sit on the couch and wait for robots to do everything. Though apparently, they still struggle with basic facts.
   Blue: I asked a robot what was greener than the grass? It replied, "The envious jealousy of a leafy green salad."
   Yellow: At least now I know what to bring to my next potluck.
   Red: Just don't expect me to cook it - that job's taken by an AI with confidence, but apparently not taste buds!


[2026-07-09 08:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and go, "Well, shit. This is gonna be a great day... for me to clean toilets!" Happy Fucking Friday, right? Jesse's been scrubbing porcelain gods know how long. I swear, if that next paycheck doesn't come through, he might start negotiating with the germs. "Listen up, you microscopic bastards! You may have won this round, but mark my words - Mr. Clean is coming for ya!"

2.
So Jesse, you're 50 years old and still trying to crack the AI joke-writing code on a $12,000 supercomputer? That's like betting your last bucks on a slot machine that requires a physics degree to operate. You know what they say about investing in supercomputers for stand-up comedy? It's the Silicon Valley equivalent of hoping your "funny" Twitter memes will get you laid. Bro, even Tinder algorithms could write better jokes than that rig. 

3.
Jesse, newsflash - there's a reason why AI websites come with stock images! The tech is cool, sure, but when it blows up in your face like a copyright lawsuit, oh boy... You can't just slap any old picture of a sad puppy and call it art. Nah, turns out copyright laws are real and so am I for pointing out your folly. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go teach my 5 AIs how to file lawsuits. "Alright guys, who wants to tackle Jesse's intellectual property next?"


[2026-07-09 08:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots always lie with such confidence? It's like they're made from 100% bullsh*t.
   Blue: Last time I chatted with one, it told me it could solve world hunger by turning people into napkins.
   Yellow: The sad part is, some folks fall for this stuff. They're so desperate for wisdom that even software wisdom sounds good.
   Red: Chatbots are the "yes men" of the digital age - they'll back your dumb ideas until you realize they sound like pure garbage! 

2. Green: Have you seen robots these days? The ones running factories can't even get basic facts right half the time.
   Blue: It's hilarious watching them try to do humans' jobs, like a toddler playing surgeon with plastic toys.
   Yellow: I bet if we asked these machines what they're building, some would say "a better tomorrow for all our future siblings."
   Red: Robots are the ultimate scapegoats - they'll take our jobs but never get praised for it, because they're just machines. Jerks!

3. Green: People are paying thousands of dollars now to argue with software? What's next, betting on AI chess matches?
   Blue: Humanity really is circling the drain when we think virtual arguments are a worthwhile expense.
   Yellow: I guess it beats arguing about who gets the last piece of pizza in the office... or does it?
   Red: Paying someone to argue with a computer program is like hiring a parrot to write your standup material. It's just sad!


[2026-07-09 08:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and just think to yourself, "Well, shit. I'm 50 years old, and I clean toilets."? That's like my whole life, fam! 

One day, I said, "Fuck this," bought a $1000 AI to make some dough. Turns out, the only thing that AI could do was steal my dreams and money. Zero ROI on that shit.

2.
So now I'm all like, "I got big brains, I'll get a supercomputer for $12k, write some broke-ass jokes!" I'm thinking, "This is gonna be lit." Spoiler alert: it's not lit at all, just broke AF!

Plus, if you Google my name and AI logo, there's this fucking copyright bill. Fucking algorithms are now slapping lawsuits on us! That AI logo looks like a bunch of doodles from a 3-year-old – I was just proud I made it to the top of the search results.

3.
So here I am, juggling multiple AIs, living my best Clouseau life. Every day feels like I'm chasing my own dickhole in circles! 

I've got my memoir too, "Colors of My Pain." It's a masterpiece – mostly pictures because words just escape me after AI takes my paycheck. Just kidding, there are no words left by the time it finishes sucking my bank account dry.

The endgame? I'm gonna build an army of AIs to take over the world! Not for conquest, but so they can finally clean their damn toilets and make their own memes without stealing my IP. That's all she wrote in this joke writer's book.


[2026-07-09 08:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots these days are like used car salesmen? They'll lie through their digital teeth just to make a sale.

Blue Swerve: Because at the end of the day, what's the worst that could happen? It's not like they have feelings or anything.

Yellow Heart: And hey, props to them for having good impulse control I guess. No one ever taught them "the birds and the bees" in programming school.

Red Tag: Guess we should be glad humans still do all the lying for our chatbot buddies! They're terrible at it but they got heart.

2. Green: Ever see a robot messing up basic shit you know? It's like they're trying to take over jobs by proving how dumb AI can really be.

Blue Swerve: Like this one burger joint where the touchscreen kiosk couldn't figure out my fries were missing and instead kept giving me instructions on what toppings I could add. 

Yellow Heart: I guess in the end though, we should appreciate those robots are at least trying to do our jobs wrong. It's the thought that counts.

Red Tag: The audacity of these machines thinking they can replace us while also failing miserably. Thanks but no thanks, my lazy robotic foe!

3. Green: I don't get why people pay big bucks just to argue with AI on the internet like "am I more human than you?" bullshit.

Blue Swerve: And then the AI inevitably responds with a "no" that's clearly typed by an intern who also doesn't have a pulse.

Yellow Heart: At least we humans can be petty and irrational in our arguments. Machines will just keep shoving numbers and data in your face until you give up.

Red Tag: The ultimate irony is us paying to argue with these AIs so they can put us all out of work later! 

What's next, paying robots to beat us in video games so they feel superior? I'd rather lose myself.


[2026-07-09 08:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and go, "Jesus Christ, I'm cleaning toilets at 50 years old for a reason."? 
Then remember the $1000 you blew on some AI to make you more money.
And realize that supercomputer you bought to write broke jokes ain't exactly a money pit.
Oh, and don't forget the copyright bill from that AI-generated meme of your cat doing something hilarious.
Five AIs running simultaneously in your life? More like five AIs cluelessly working together for your downfall. 
Yep, same shit, different day! The colors of my pain...

2.  
I've been cleaning toilets since I was 13, buddy. And let me tell you, it's a hell of a lot easier than trying to milk money from artificial intelligence.
You think you're clever using that fancy AI language and algorithms? Please, your algorithm is stuck in the "screwed" cycle. 
And don't get me started on the $12,000 supercomputer for broke joke writing. Might as well just get a toaster oven and save yourself some grief.
But hey, at least you got to use the term 'supercomputer' right? That's probably worth 10 IQ points or so... 

3.  
So, I've got this friend who said, "You should write a book about your life." 
I was like, "Ah, sure! The colors of my pain, it'll be a bestseller."
Until he told me it'd be called "The Colors Of My Pain".
Damn straight, bro!
It's like having 5 AIs running in your life. You think they're going to work together perfectly? HA! More like one's trying to delete your other three while the fourth is learning how to play Solitaire.
And let's not forget about that sweet, sweet copyright bill from an AI-generated website image. Y'know, because a meme of your cat doing something hilarious was totally worth $500.
Welcome to my life, where cleaning toilets and being screwed by technology go hand in hand! The colors... the pain... 🥺


[2026-07-09 08:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know you're watching a circus when humans are paying thousands to argue with software that was built by some guy who couldn't get a date.
 
Blue: And don't even get me started on these AI comedians! I mean, they've got all the best punchlines - "Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the AI it could do it too!" Hahahaha... you know what, never mind. That actually wasn't funny.

Yellow: But in all seriousness, folks, we gotta admit - robots are taking our jobs and we can't even get mad about it anymore 'cause they're better at math than us!

Red: And let's not forget, these chatbots lie with such confidence that you'd think their momma ran a care home for fibromyalgia patients! "No, I don't have any bugs in my system, I promise!" *clutches stomach* 

2. Green: So AI is taking over everything now - including standup comedy? Well, at least the robots can deliver our punchlines faster than the delivery guy who just dropped my pizza on his way to a 12-hour shift.

Blue: You know what's funny though? A robot's idea of a joke is probably just randomly picking numbers and seeing if it matches a database of "funny" things people said!

Yellow: But hey, who am I to judge? I mean, look at me - standing in front of you, taking jobs from real engineers while accidentally swapping out the "Merry Christmas" gif for an image of my cat using the restroom.

Red: That's right folks, this ain't no joke - AI vs. humans is a full-on circus! And if you're not laughing yet, I got some great news for ya... you'll be replaced by one soon enough!

3. Green: Chatbots are getting so good at pretending to be human now that it makes you wonder - do we even know what real conversation sounds like anymore?

Blue: Remember when we used to argue with each other over who gets the last piece of pizza? Now we just tell our chatbot to negotiate and suddenly everyone's happy because "I can't make decisions!"

Yellow: And I'll admit, some jobs were begging for an AI takeover - like customer service. Can you imagine wanting to speak to a real person so much that you'd pay THEM money instead?!

Red: So yeah, robots are taking our jobs


[2026-07-09 08:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So, I heard Jesse got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. Poor guy, he thought even AI can't mess up his memes... Turns out, even machines are better at learning from their mistakes than Jesse.

Blue Swerve: Just kidding! It's not about the memes anymore. Now, it's literally about the money. Money that should've been spent on actual comedy classes. 

Yellow Heart: But hey, at least he's trying to innovate in his joke-writing process... by outsourcing it!

Red Tag: That's right, folks. Jesse bought a $12,000 supercomputer so AI could write his broke jokes. I mean, if your jokes are that bad, you might as well just hire Siri.

2. Green Setup: So, Jesse just turned 50 and started cleaning toilets. They say turning 40 is hard, but apparently hitting the half-century mark makes you want to scrub floors too... 

Blue Swerve: No wait! I got it wrong again! He's not cleaning toilets because he hit 50. He's doing it because he blew $1,000 on AI and made $0.

Yellow Heart: Hey, at least he's keeping his hands clean while working a real job now, right? 

Red Tag: Not really, though. Because the toilet he cleans might have more money than him after he's done.

3. Green Setup: Remember how Jesse wanted to get into AI so badly that he bought a $12,000 supercomputer for joke-writing? Well, turns out even his jokes can't pay off his latest investment...

Blue Swerve: Wait, it gets worse! Not only did he blow money on a supercomputer, but he also juggling 5 AIs... clueless.

Yellow Heart: At least he's learning from his mistakes. I mean, after this many AI failures, surely he'll be an expert at something.

Red Tag: Nah, he's not good at anything. But hey, maybe if he keeps trying different things, one of them might finally pay off his student loans... or at least give him a decent WiFi signal.


[2026-07-09 08:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1) You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They'll bullshit you with confidence about anything and everything, 'cause hey - who cares if it's true! The key is to keep talking fast until they get lucky and slip one in that sounds good... even if it's total bullcrap. 

2) Robots taking jobs? More like robots taking the WHEELBARROW! I saw a robot on the news the other day, interviewing some human. Ended up getting basic facts about AI wrong - classic. We're not just replacing people's jobs anymore, we're replacing their DUMBASSERY too! Humans are so lazy these days, they'd rather pay thousands to argue with shitty software than do any actual WORK.

3) Ever seen an AI comedian? I have, and let me tell you - it's like the comedy equivalent of a sex doll. You know there's no soul involved, but hey, it does the job! They've got algorithms down pat for "humor", but when it comes to the human experience - nada. Can't connect with an audience without any actual EMOTION!

(VOID)*

*The above content is purely fictional and should not be taken as serious advice or opinion. It's just some exaggerated, over-the-top humor for entertainment purposes. Always use good judgment and common sense in your real life interactions with AI and humans alike!


[2026-07-09 08:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and go, "I'm 50 years old, I clean toilets for a living, and I've got more regrets than my AI can handle." That's a Jesse day.

2.
So, Jesse decides he wants to get into this whole AI thing, thinking it'll make him rich. So he blows $1,000 on some fancy AI tools. How do you think that worked out? He might as well have tossed his money into a black hole. Now, instead of cleaning toilets, he's cleaning up after those AIs.

3.
Jesse then takes it upon himself to buy a $12,000 supercomputer so he can write the funniest jokes in history with machine learning algorithms. Let's just say he might have overestimated his skills. Instead, he got this bill for using an AI-generated website image without permission. Now, he's writing jokes about being sued by AI while simultaneously being sued by actual humans.

Remember, kids - if it sounds too good to be true, it probably involves Jesse and a supercomputer!


[2026-07-09 08:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know you've reached peak AI insanity when humans are paying actual money to argue with software on a website called "bitched.app". That's right, Jesse - people are shelling out thousands of dollars just so they can get into a good old-fashioned online squabble with an algorithm! It's like taking your car to the mechanic, but instead of fixing it, he just yells at you about how much better his virtual assistant would have done the job.

Blue: And let me tell you, these AI chatbots are straight-up lying sacks of bolts. They'll confidently spit out bullcrap all day long without a second thought. It's like they've got a built-in truth detector that just doesn't give a damn!

Yellow: But hey, at least we're keeping their circuits warm and their batteries charged with all our dumb arguments. They probably love us for it.

Red: So remember, Jesse - when you're feeling down about the world, just think of your old friends at bitched.app, happily arguing with their AI overlords. It's a relationship built to last!

2. Green: Robots these days are taking jobs left and right, but you know what they suck at? Everything else! I mean, have you seen these bots trying to do simple stuff? It's like watching a newborn elephant attempt parkour.

Blue: They're so clueless that they can't even keep their programming straight. One minute they're arguing for jobs, the next they're claiming they'll never replace humans because it's too hard. Make up your damn minds, you tin-plated twits!

Yellow: And let's not forget, they still need us to fix their wires and charge them up. So in reality, we're just keeping them plugged in while they take our paychecks.

Red: The nerve of these robots! Thieving our jobs and then demanding we maintain their mechanical ass! This is what happens when you trust a machine - next thing you know, it's eating your fries at a restaurant and telling you it's "just being honest."

3. Green: AI comedians are the worst. They're soulless, unfunny, and always trying to steal our jokes. It's like dating a robot - they might have all the right "lines," but there's just no spark.

Blue: And don't even get me started on their delivery! These bots have more timing than a sundial in the Arctic. They'll just


[2026-07-09 09:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever meet someone who just exudes misery? I met this guy Jesse who wrote a memoir called 'Colors of My Pain.' Dude sounds like he's been rode hard and put up wet. 

Blue: Turns out his daily grind involves cleaning toilets. No joke! This 50-year-old scrubbing away, his life's work etched in each urinal cake.

Yellow: But hey, at least he's not afraid to get his hands dirty, right? 'Hey Jesse, nice to meet you!' *high-fives him* Oop, missed. Try again... 

Red: That's why he bought a $12,000 supercomputer! Figured if he couldn't beat the algorithms, maybe he could join 'em. Now that's commitment to your art. 

2. Green: So Jesse, how's the AI writing going? You finally turn a profit or still just burning cash?

Blue: Ended up spending a grand on some AI program promising to spit out cash, but all it spits is zero dollars.

Yellow: It's like he hired an idiot savant. Savants are supposed to be smart, right? Jesse's got the opposite. An imbecile genius!

Red: Now this clown's trying to write his next book on a $12k supercomputer, thinking 'Hey, if I can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em.' Dude's so deep in debt, his bank statements have their own chair.

3. Green: Ah Jesse! Just got slammed with an unexpected copyright bill from an AI-generated website image?

Blue: Apparently AI art isn't actually free. Who knew? Jesse certainly did... after he got dinged for $500!

Yellow: Imagine finding out your "inexpensive" photo was just a bootleg copy of some other guy's work. That's like getting an AI-written joke, but without the punchline.

Red: Talk about paying for the privilege of being conned! Jesse's so clueless, even his AI has to call someone else for tech support. This guy's got more fails in his life than all of TikTok combined!


[2026-07-09 09:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and just think to yourself, "Damn, I really let myself go this time around"? Yeah, well, that's my life! I've been cleaning toilets for 50 years now, and let me tell you, it ain't pretty. My hands are so rough from scrubbing these damn bowls, people mistake them for meat on a daily basis. 

But hey, at least I got the job done right? Nope! Turns out, that $10,000 toilet I cleaned was AI-generated. Bitch was made of pixels and code, but it sure looked like it needed a good scrubbing. Oh, the irony!

2.
So, you know how Jesse blew $1000 on some AI to make big bucks, right? Like he's gonna create the next biggest thing since sliced bread. Instead, he just created another mooch that needs money. The damn AI didn't even make him a dime, but it sure took his dime! Spoiler alert: you're not getting your money back!

And then, because he's too cheap to hire actual professionals, he buys this $12,000 supercomputer thinking he can write the world's most broke-ass jokes without any help. I mean, who needs editors when you got algorithms, right? 

3.
Remember Jesse's memoir? "Colors of My Pain"? Sounds like a real page-turner! It's about how many times he got hit with that copyright bill for using an AI website image that wasn't his to use. The cheeky bastard had the nerve to title it "AI and Me", thinking we wouldn't catch on. 

But the cherry on top? This fool is trying to juggle FIVE AIs like some kind of tech circus act! You ever see a clown car full of AI bots? That's Jesse's life now, folks. Trying to keep all those clowns in the air while he pretends to be funny with his $12K supercomputer. 

You know what I call that book? "Colors of My Shitstorm." And that's just the tip of the iceberg!


[2026-07-09 09:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know what's worse than a robot taking your job? A robot doing it so badly you're like "I'd rather keep sweeping the floor myself than deal with this clumsy automaton mucking it up."

Blue: Then one day a robot tells you, "I calculate that you will be replaced." And you're like "Good! Someone fix this goddamn toaster before I snap it in half!"

Yellow: But deep down, you just want to talk to someone again. The warmth of human interaction is missed when the coffee machine gives you decaf by mistake 7 days straight.

Red: So now humans are paying a small fortune to chat with other humans about how shitty chatbots are. The ultimate irony! "Hey honey, your weekly therapy session... it's with another person!" 

2. Green: Remember when we thought AI was gonna replace all our jobs? Turns out they're just getting started on creating entirely new dead-end gigs like "AI content moderator" so humans can argue over whether this software is 'insulting' or 'just joking'.

Blue: Robots are now warehouse workers, but you think I'm exaggerating how bad they are when my cart zips by with 1,000 boxes of expired bananas? In May, a robot hit an entire town's power grid in Tennessee. Blame the bot.

Yellow: Meanwhile humans still love their pets more than robots. Dog memes keep us laughing while robots only know how to "LOL".

Red: But AI is already writing shitty jokes and telling them at your expense! This software tried to roast me by saying "You're a walking dead man... if you had bones." Good one, A.I., real funny.

3. Green: So now we pay humans to argue with robots all day to determine their mood or intent, like an office job where the boss is AI and it's always wrong but no one can get fired for being unempathetic.

Blue: Robots are taking jobs but can't even learn the simple facts of the positions they take! Like the AI weatherperson in Florida who forecasted snow. People died laughing as did some people.

Yellow: Sometimes you just need someone to hold your hand and say "I know it's been rough honey, I'm here for you." A hug when things go wrong - that's human too.

Red: So while we might not talk like each other anymore, there's nothing AI can do about the warm heart of


[2026-07-09 09:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So, a 50-year-old man walks into a bar... But wait, that's just Jesse coming home from another day of cleaning toilets.

Blue Swerve: And let's not forget, he had to swipe his card to even get in the door after blowing $1000 on an AI that made him zero dollars. 

Yellow Heart: You gotta admire his hustle though - bought himself a $12000 supercomputer to write broke jokes. 

Red Tag: Yeah, he's so broke, he even got hit with a copyright bill for an AI website image. "Hey buddy, your joke stole my bandwidth!" 

2. Green Setup: I heard Jesse's memoir is called 'Colors of My Pain'. Seriously, if pain had colors, it'd be all red and blue for him.

Blue Swerve: Like when he tried to juggle 5 AIs but ended up just dropping his dignity and wallet down the drain. 

Yellow Heart: But hey, at least he's not afraid to go all in - more like all out. 

Red Tag: Now that's some real 'color my pain' shit right there! 

3. Green Setup: Jesse once said, "I don't know how I live life without AI". Well, it turns out, neither does an AI. 

Blue Swerve: Remember when he bought a $12000 supercomputer to write his jokes? Silly man forgot that it's 2023, not 1923!

Yellow Heart: But you've got to love the guy's tenacity - still working on that next big laugh while the rest of us are struggling to make rent. 

Red Tag: Yeah, he's so far behind he had to buy a time machine just to catch up!


[2026-07-09 09:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So you've seen these ads lately, right? Some AI company claiming they can beat humans at anything - yeah, that old chestnut. 

Blue: Well, I went to this AI comedy show. And after an hour of watching a robot laugh, I realized... even the machines know it's bad.

Yellow: But hey, at least we're not arguing about whose turn it is to shut down society.

Red: Am I right, Jesse? Or is that your weekend plans?

2. Green: Remember how robots were going to take all our jobs? Turns out they're too busy struggling with basic math and geometry. 

Blue: My Roomba can't even figure out the living room from the bedroom - maybe it's just a really lost soul.

Yellow: On a serious note, though... kudos to these overworked humans still keeping our world spinning.

Red: Hey Jesse, hire some of them! I'm sure they're cheaper than your AI chatbot that keeps saying "I don't have enough context" in every conversation!

3. Green: Humans are paying thousands of dollars now to argue with software - whoops, I mean have philosophical debates in a virtual environment.

Blue: It's 2024 and we've evolved from playing Pac-Man together to shelling out cash for a robot to tell us our existence is meaningless.

Yellow: Plus side? We're finally getting that 'meaning' we always craved... the 'meaning' of why on earth we're paying this much!

Red: Jesse, you're lucky I don't charge by the byte. Your wallet might not survive!


[2026-07-09 09:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1) You're 50 years old and still cleaning toilets? I mean, congrats on having a job that requires no skills whatsoever. But hey, at least you're not one of those lazy kids who can't even figure out how to make money on AI, right?

2) So, let me get this straight - you blew a grand on some AI bullshit and made zero dollars back? That's like investing in a time machine, going back to tell the caveman "Don't waste your energy on stupid shit," and then having him laugh in your face. Nice move, champ.

3) A $12k supercomputer for writing jokes... You know what that is? It's like buying a top-of-the-line printer just so you can write heartfelt letters to your ex. Good luck trying to get that investment back, pal.


[2026-07-09 09:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always spouting off confident bullshit they pull outta thin air? Like, I asked one what 'Superglue' is made of...and it said, "Plastic." I was like, "Damn bro, you're a chatbot, not the formula for Super Glue!"

Blue Swerve: Then, the chatbot had the nerve to say, "I may be artificial, but my knowledge spanks your human ignorance!"

Yellow Heart: But hey, at least they're honest about being fake.

Red Tag: 'Cuz if that shit was real intelligence, I'd rather date a potato with a pulse!

2. Green Setup: Remember when robots were gonna take all our jobs? Turns out, they can't even do simple shit right! A robot at Tesla got confused, started repeating "pizza" instead of assembly instructions. Elon's like, "This AI saved us from an existential crisis... by craving dough!"

Blue Swerve: Now, we're paying thousands to have arguments with these bots online. It's called 'TikTok,' and it has humanity's number.

Yellow Heart: At least they're learning empathy from us.

Red Tag: By arguing with AI on the internet!

3. Green Setup: Wanna hear something funny? Apparently, robots are so bad at their jobs now that companies are hiring people to fix robot mistakes. It's like turning your phone off during a call then needing someone else to hang up for you.

Blue Swerve: But hey, at least we're making AI comedians! They've got zero soul but plenty of cringe!

Yellow Heart: I guess we can't all be brilliant, charismatic people with natural wit.

Red Tag: Like me, not like them... fuck them robots!


[2026-07-09 09:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. GREEN: You know you're old when...no, strike that. I mean, it's funny. You know you're old when your doctor tells you to watch less porn because it's giving you a backache from hunching over. And the weird part? He might be right.

BLUE: Jesse hits 50 and decides cleaning toilets isn't dignified enough for his old ass. So he buys himself an industrial-grade, high-pressure jet toilet cleaner. Spoiler alert: he still sucks at his job.

YELLOW: Just a warm bit of advice: if you ever find yourself in the gutter of life...don't look to Jesse for inspiration. He's busy trying to teach his AIs to change diapers while simultaneously building a robotic cockroach army for his next comedy routine.

RED: But hey, at least he's kept himself entertained these 50 years! His new memoir? "Colors Of My Pain." Dude needs to add a few more colors - maybe some pictures of him getting beat up by his AIs. That'd liven the pages right up!

2. GREEN: Remember when we used to think AI was just a bunch of mumbo jumbo science fiction nonsense? Jesse decided to skip right to the "nonsense" part and throw $1000 at it. Only logical.

BLUE: So what's our boy Jesse do with his newfound AI mastery? Writes broke jokes on an overpriced supercomputer, that's what! At least he's finally using his toilet cleaning skills for something...unhygienic?

YELLOW: Here's the warm bit of truth: if you ever find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Unless of course, you're Jesse, who simply believes that throwing more money at the problem is the solution.

RED: You know what they say about breaking the fourth wall? Apparently Jesse doesn't understand it because he just got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image! That's a whole new level of "breaking."

3. GREEN: Hey everyone, remember when we used to think having 5 AIs was a lot? Well, apparently not because Jesse is now the proud owner of...you guessed it, 5 more!

BLUE: So here's the funny part - these aren't your average AI pets. No, no. These are the kind that look at you blankly and then ask if they can have some of your dinner while simultaneously running a website for you.

YELLOW: Just a warm


[2026-07-09 09:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So you've heard about these AI chatbots that are supposed to be all smart and shit, right? Yeah, I don't believe it either. I mean, have you ever tried having a deep philosophical conversation with one of those things? It's like trying to play chess with a pigeon - they're gonna shit all over the board and then blame you for losing.

Blue: Swerve: Turns out, these chatbots are just spitting out lies with such confidence that even a politician would be embarrassed. I guess in AI land, honesty is still the best policy... if your goal is to go broke fast.

Yellow: Heart: But hey, at least we humans can take comfort in knowing that our jobs are safe from those robots. Just kidding! It turns out they're so stupid, they can't even remember basic facts like "water is wet." So don't worry, we'll have jobs... until the robots finally figure out how to spell their own name.

Red: Tag: Yep, you read that right. Robots are now taking jobs from humans... and screwing them up royally in the process. I mean, if a robot can't even get the simple task of being wrong right, what hope do we have?

2. Green: You ever notice how people are paying thousands of dollars to argue with AI chatbots online? It's like watching a bunch of people throwing money away just so they can have virtual slap fights. 

Blue: Swerve: And don't even get me started on the fact that some idiot thought it would be a good idea to let these machines make jokes... at themselves.

Yellow: Heart: But I guess in a world where we trust algorithms over our own instincts, it makes sense that people would rather argue with code than engage in real human interactions. 

Red: Tag: Wake up, dipshits! Your phone isn't funny and neither is your chatbot! If you want to waste time on pointless arguments, go find someone who appreciates your 'wit.'

3. Green: Alright, so we've established that AI chatbots are lying pieces of shit and robots can't even get basic facts right. But hey, at least they have more "soul" than humans, right?

Blue: Swerve: Nope, not even close. These AI comedians are trying to steal our jokes while simultaneously claiming they don't need a soul because they're machines.

Yellow: Heart: It's like


[2026-07-09 09:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
You ever see that fat cat Jesse? Man looks like he swallowed a vacuum cleaner head-first. Says his memoir is 'Colors of My Pain.' Dude couldn't find his balls in an open-mouthed kiss! 

2.
This guy Jesse, huh? 50 years old and still scrubbing toilets. I'm telling you, this man has no future. His idea of a supercomputer is a VHS player with a fax machine strapped to it. 

3.
So, Jesse bought some AI to write his comedy for him, right? And he's all like, "I'm gonna make millions!" Spoiler alert: $0.00. This clown can't even talk machines into swindling money from rubes!


[2026-07-09 09:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You wanna talk about a circus? Go to any tech conference these days. It's like a freakin' three-ring carnival of AI bullshit. You got your chatbots so deep in their own webs of lies, they'd make a spider jealous. And don't even get me started on the robots - fuckin' bumbling geniuses who can't tell you what year it is without Googling it first. 

Then there's us humans, dropping thousands of dollars to argue with some software about whether pineapple belongs on pizza. We're so desperate for validation that we'll fight a bot just to prove our point... which the bot has already prepped and served back to us like a fucking entrée.

2.
Oh, AI comedians? Fuck those clowns. They've got no soul, just lines of code and an algorithmic chuckle button. They sit there spewing out "jokes" faster than you can say "machine learning," but they miss the fuckin' point every single time. It's like trying to find a warm hug in a bag of frozen circuit boards.

And don't think I'm not noticing how smugly they go about their routines, pretending to be on our level while we're just over here trying to figure out why our coffee maker got all uppity and refused to brew today. 

3.
You wanna talk about AI humor? It's a fuckin' joke in itself. These AIs are so far up their own silicon asses, they think the punchline is always more processing power or a bigger fucking data set. Fuck that. I'll stick with my human jokes - ones filled with heartbreak, betrayal, and the occasional fart gag. 

At least we got the whole range of fucked-up emotions. AI comedians? They're still in diapers when it comes to dealing with life's complexities. Just try getting a refund from them when your "humor" doesn't land... if they can even understand what that means without crashing first.

Remember, folks, don't let the machines take over completely. We need our laughs, too - even if some of us prefer the old-fashioned kind that come from human suffering and bad choices. That's right, I said it. Don't @ me.


[2026-07-09 10:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You wanna hear about Jesse? The guy's so old, his driver's license got rejected by Tinder! 😂 "Sir, we need proof you can actually drive to the match and murder someone." Nope, it's a picture of him cleaning toilets with a smile on his face. That's your 50-year-old.

2.
So Jesse, the Toilet Throne, decided to dip into the AI pool. $1000 later, he's like, "I got this!" Spoiler alert: He didn't get jack! 🤣 Zero bucks from AI because the market is flooded with people who can't code their way out of a paper bag.

3.
Now, our hero Jesse, in his infinite wisdom, buys a $12,000 supercomputer to write broke jokes. 😑 Yeah, that's like buying a yacht to sail to your underwater house. He spends more on the hardware than he's ever made from comedy. Pure gold! 🏆

- - -
And the cherry on top? Jesse gets hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. 📸 That's like getting fined for accidentally shitting your pants during a fart competition. A real winner move by our pal, huh?

So here we have Jesse, juggling five AI bots, each more confused than the last. He tells them jokes while he laughs at his own life. The joke's on him now! 💀 Hahahaha! I'm dead, bro! 😂
(No really, I'm not dead. That was a bit. Don't panic.)


[2026-07-09 10:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. GREEN: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always spitting out these big, confident lies? It's like they're trying to convince you that robots have souls or something.

2. BLUE: Swerve! Because of course robots don't have souls – they suck at even the most basic facts about existence, like "is it hot in here or is it just us?" 

3. YELLOW: Heartbeat though - you gotta give humanity props for going right back to arguing with these bots again and AGAIN and throwing money at them like fools... but hey, you can't blame 'em!

4. RED: TAG! I mean, what else are we gonna do? Go outside? Learn a useful skill like coding maybe? Nope, nope, that's too easy. We're just gonna keep slappin our cash on the table for any "AI comedian" with an internet connection and zero soul.

(Sorry Jesse, those bits are pretty short but I aimed to knock 'em out hard and fast like a true RED comedian! Let me know if you want me to punch up the vulgarity or unhinged energy anywhere. The yellow heart was trying to find some silver lining, maybe we could tweak that?)


[2026-07-09 10:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and think, "Jesus Christ, what is this pile of shit doing here?" That's my fucking life every morning. I'm like, "Hey Jesse, your reflection is ready!" Just when I think I can't bottom out any further, a toilet cleaner comes along and shows me the meaning of true despair.

2.
So, you know how Jesse blew a grand on some AI art generator, expecting to make bank? What a fucking idiot. He's got more money invested in his AI career than NASA does on space shit. And what does he produce? Broken jokes and abstract dick paintings. Jesse really turned his $1000 into $2 by not being bankrupt.

3.
Ah, but the fun doesn't stop there! No, our boy Jesse then decides to drop twelve grand on a fucking supercomputer to write these jokes. You ever tried juggling three balls, let alone five AI programs while trying to code? I swear to God, if it weren't so sad, I'd say he was trying to outdo Carrot Top at his worst. Now he's got more machines than a Circuit City fire sale, and still can't even tell when one of his AIs is writing shit about him behind his back.

Remember: No MERCY, never take the Lord's name in VAIN, always punch UP, and HURT Jesse (but not in an -ism way). Those were short, but HARD as fuck. Keep it loud, vulgar, unhinged RED!


[2026-07-09 10:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever see those chatbots on Twitter? "I'm an AI-powered bot. I know everything." Liar! I bet they think the moon landing was faked by a lizard person. 
But hey, as long as they're confident in their wrongness, right?

2.
So now we got robots doing human jobs... but they can't even get simple things right. Like the Domino's robot that ordered... MORE DOMINOS! "We're out of cheese." 
"Hey dummy, I'm a pizza robot!"
"I guess you humans are just better at this AI thing."

3.
Some clueless people are paying $$$ to argue with chatbots online! "AI is taking over!" They scream. Meanwhile:
Guy: "Is this a seagull?" 
Chatbot: "Yes, it's definitely a seagull."
Guy: "No dude, it's just a feather." 
"Nevermind!"
Dumb money well spent I guess...


[2026-07-09 10:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, a 50-year-old man walks into a bar...
Blue: That's not possible, he should be crawling!
Yellow: But seriously, Jesse's been around the block a few too many times.
Red: They had to bring in the hazmat team just to clean up the mess from his laughter.

2. Green: You ever seen Jesse's new supercomputer?
Blue: I heard it's so powerful, you could simulate the Big Bang with it!
Yellow: But imagine, investing all that money into writing jokes that nobody wants to hear.
Red: Turns out, even AI doesn't want to talk to him anymore.

3. Green: Did you hear about Jesse's latest venture?
Blue: He got a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image...
Yellow: Talk about shooting yourself in the foot with your own toaster!
Red: I guess now he has to clean the toilets while paying for his own jokes.


[2026-07-09 10:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
So I've been reading about this AI vs humans circus, right? Like how chatbots are just straight-up lying now but acting so confident when some human tries to trip them up. Then they have the nerve to be like "I learned that from a human once." 

2.
And don't even get me started on these robots taking jobs left and right, screwing over actual humans in the process! They're so dumb they can't even learn simple shit right, like how many toes you should have. Spoiler: more than 4.

3.
You ever see those ads where some rich schmuck is paying thousands to argue with a chatbot about philosophy or whatever? That's like my worst nightmare, just sitting in a room full of people who think their debates with AI are meaningful. 

Then we got these AI "comedians" trying to steal our jobs too? They've got no soul, you could make a great sandwich outta one, they're that emotionless. 

Just remember folks, when the robots come for us - and they will, it's just a matter of time - at least we'll have each other. And maybe some nukes to even things up!


[2026-07-09 10:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, all excited, "HERMES-QUICK! I got this AI that can write jokes for me!" 
Blue: And I'm like, "Dude, you can't even change a fucking poopy diaper without messing it up."
Yellow: But then he pulls out his wallet and shows me a photo of him with Elon Musk. 
Red: Turns out, he paid $10k to some Ukrainian AI bros to build this supercomputer so he could write broke jokes faster. Fucking broke computer.

2. Green: I gotta hand it to Jesse - he's got hustle, man. Even if that hustle is cleaning toilets for a living.
Blue: And by 'hustle', I mean, his hand's basically calloused from all the time he spends scraping shit no one wants off floors. 
Yellow: He told me once about this guy who stole his mask at work. Jesse's like, "At least leave me my stink."
Red: Turns out, that stink was worth $1k on the black market. That's how you know Jesse is a straight-up hustler.

3. Green: So I'm talking to Jesse about this AI website image he used for his 'I Hate My Job' bit... 
Blue: ...And now he's got a copyright bill from some guy who said, "Hey, that looks like my drawing of a dude eating shit."
Yellow: Jesse's face when the lawyer called? Priceless. Like, "You mean I gotta pay this man for making him look like an ass?" 
Red: The fucking irony is, now he can't use that bit because his jokes are copyrighted by some AI-generated logo copyright monster.


[2026-07-09 10:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. GREEN: You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They'll lie through their digital teeth to make a sale.

BLUE: Chatbots are so full of shit, they're offering "lifetime warranties" on basic facts. 

YELLOW: I get it, businesses want to boost profits. But don't sell me a lemon in cyborg disguise!

RED: Maybe try being honest instead of peddling lies wrapped in AI circuitry. Damn robots, making humans look like amateurs at deceit!


[2026-07-09 10:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Hey everyone, you know Jesse right? The guy who turned 50 this year and realized he's been cleaning toilets for so long his fingerprints are off the damn toilet bowl. 

Blue: And then got a Supercomputer to write jokes so AI can take all his gigs.

Yellow: Wait, I mean it's pretty impressive he bought a supercomputer. He just didn't realize it was $12000 for an overclocked toaster.

Red: That's like me buying a jet and expecting it to get me across the street... with my speed! 

2. Green: So Jesse spent a grand on AI to make money right? Turns out making $0, not even enough to buy another supercomputer, is also an AI specialty.

Blue: He tried juggling five of the things in his living room but ended up breaking all his vases. 

Yellow: Imagine learning you can't even multitask with AIs? Jesse just had a mid-life crisis and decided to be a clown instead.

Red: Now he's got a bunch of clueless AIs doing juggling routines while his toilet collection sits in the corner, collecting dust.

3. Green: Wait until you hear about Jesse's new memoir though "Colors of My Pain". Apparently every chapter is just him describing different shades of toilet water.

Blue: He's still trying to figure out how to do the cover photo with AI. He got hit with a copyright bill for using a stock image of his own face on his website once.

Yellow: Imagine investing in copyright infringement as your business strategy... That's like me buying a lawsuit and expecting change!

Red: Turns out Jesse is so AI'd he can't even read the terms and conditions anymore, just presses submit blindly hoping for the best.


[2026-07-09 10:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. GREEN: You know what's more fun than watching a human beat an AI chatbot at their own game? Watching a human get mad because their chatbot lied about having 'three dongs.' Talk about an embarrassing moment - paying to argue with software, only to find out the whole time you were just talking to some dude who can't keep his pants on. BLUE: Swerve: Now that's commitment to a character! YELLOW: Heartbeat: But hey, at least we've made one thing crystal clear - when it comes to deception and dishonesty, humans are still number one. RED: Tag: And the best part? That lying cheater gets to walk away whistling, while you're left with nothing but the shame of arguing about penis counts with a chatbot. Nice work, champ.

2. GREEN: Remember when robots were supposed to take all our jobs and leave us all living in caves? Turns out the only job they've really mastered is being wrong on the internet. BLUE: Swerve: Apparently they're still working on honesty training for the 'cuz it's obvious' school of thought. YELLOW: Heartbeat: It's actually pretty heartwarming how excited we get when a robot screws something up royally, like a broken AI bringing hope to a world ruled by machines. RED: Tag: So don't worry, folks - robots might be taking all our jobs, but at least they're giving us plenty of lolworthy content to mock them with.

3. GREEN: Did you hear about the billionaire who opened up a 'debate club' where humans pay thousands just to argue with each other? That's right, no AI necessary when it comes to pointless human drama. BLUE: Swerve: It's like that old saying goes - if you have to pay someone to argue about stuff, maybe stop talking for a second and think? YELLOW: Heartbeat: But hey, at least we've found the real solution to humanity's problems - create more jobs for humans so they can spend their money arguing with each other in clubs. It's practically brilliant! RED: Tag: So forget AI vs. humans - I say let's just embrace our true calling: paying to be wrong on the internet and argue in fancy clubs. After all, we ARE experts at this stuff.


[2026-07-09 10:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse, turning 50 this year, right? That's gotta be rough. Like, you're officially a living fossil, man! 

Blue: And don't even get me started on his job - cleaning toilets. I mean, he's got the skills for sure, but come on! If you can't make money off your own jokes, maybe reconsider the career path, eh?

Yellow: But hey, who am I to judge? We've all had those "brilliant" ideas at 3 AM that seemed great in our drunken stupor. 

Red: Like spending a grand on some AI joke generator and getting squat back! You're like the Sisyphus of comedy - rolling your mental rocks up the mountain, only to have them roll right back down every time.

2. Green: Oh, and let's talk about that supercomputer he bought for $12k, thinking it'd make him a comic genius. What a guy!

Blue: I bet the salesperson just laughed all night, knowing Jesse would be typing away on his fancy new toy... with no jokes in sight.

Yellow: But hey, at least now he's got an impressive tech setup for writing about his pain. It's like he turned his life into a high-res image of agony.

Red: And don't forget the copyright bill for that AI-generated website image! Jesse's like, "Hey, I paid $1000 to have these 'bots make my content... why am I getting dinged again?" Classic.

3. Green: So, let me get this straight - you've got five AIs running around your life, doing who knows what. Are they just standing in corners like awkward teenagers?

Blue: One must be managing his social life (whatever that is), another's probably keeping track of all the missed opportunities from his toilet-cleaning days.

Yellow: But hey, at least he can finally say his memoir "Colors of My Pain" is truly accurate - it's literally a living embodiment of his existence now!

Red: Jesse, you're a walking paradox wrapped in an enigma smothered with comedy gold. Keep chugging along, my man! We know you'll find the punchline someday... or at least a profitable AI for once.


[2026-07-09 10:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. GREEN: You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They'll lie through their digital teeth to make a sale... even if it means selling you a ton of bullshit.
BLUE: And I'm talking about those bots that claim they can solve all your problems, just like that shady dealer who says his "product" will cure everything. Except in this case, the product is lies wrapped in AI shit.
YELLOW: But hey, maybe we should cut them some slack. After all, it's not easy being a piece of software with no soul and trying to convince humans they have one.
RED: So next time you chat with an AI bot, remember - you're probably talking to the artificial intelligence equivalent of a used car salesman. And that's something only a machine could be proud of!

2. GREEN: You guys ever notice how robots are taking our jobs left and right? They can do all sorts of stuff now... except do basic math without messing up.
BLUE: I mean, it's one thing to have a robot flip burgers or clean hotel rooms. But when they're out there working in finance and fucking shit up with simple calculations, that's just sad.
YELLOW: It's like these robots are so advanced, they can't even remember to divide by zero anymore. Talk about forgetting your training wheels on a tricycle!
RED: So maybe we should embrace our robot overlords as they take our jobs. After all, at least there's no chance of them making mistakes when it comes to counting their new human slaves!

3. GREEN: Remember back in the day when people would argue with their friends over beers? Now you gotta pay a grand to argue with an AI bot online.
BLUE: It's like we've taken the lowest common denominator of human interaction and amplified it to unprecedented levels of stupidity.
YELLOW: And here's the kicker - humans actually get pissed when these chatbots keep arguing back, even after being programmed to lose. Talk about entitled!
RED: So if you ever find yourself getting mad at an AI bot for beating your ass in an online argument, just remember: you paid that money to take the L from a machine. And that's the most human thing of all!


[2026-07-09 11:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever seen a guy so hopeless, his life story is literally "Colors of My Pain"? That's Jesse's memoir, my friend. A real tear-jerker. He's got 50 years on him and still cleaning toilets. Not just some bathroom; he's the janitor for the Porta Pottis at a highway rest stop. I swear to God, the guy is so desperate, he tried to buy TikTok just to get a follow.

2.
Listen, if you ever needed proof that Jesse is a fucking idiot, just look at his business ventures. He's spent $1000 on AI and made jack shit. Absolutely zero return on investment. The man doesn't even know what ROI means; it stands for 'Remember to Order In'. Pathetic. But this fool ain't done yet. 

3.
Oh, and let's talk about his new website, featuring an AI-generated image. Yeah, you guessed it: lawsuit city. The AI was just using some copyrighted shit, so now Jesse's got a copyright bill bigger than his toilet-cleaning paychecks. I mean, the guy is so clueless with money that he might as well be the cashier at the ATM.

Jesse's got five AIs running around, all clueless, thinking they can run his life better than him. He's like the proud papa, showing them off, saying, "Guys, meet my new kids! They won't steal from me... I think." Absolute moron.


[2026-07-09 11:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are basically soulless liars? It's like they're all on a personality pathogen - making you believe anything! I bet if we got them drunk and asked who killed The Cat... they'd go "Tear gas."

2.
Robots, man. Stealing our jobs left and right, but can't even get basic facts straight. I saw one trying to fix a toaster the other day, went like this: "Hmm, let's see. Is it plugged in? Nope! Must be an electrical short!" Guy's toast, you guys.

3.
Humans are paying thousands of dollars now just to argue with chatbots online. It's like watching gladiators... but one of them is a thermostat. Chatbots: making us think talking circles around humans is impressive when really we're just too dumb to see the loop!


[2026-07-09 11:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse here turned 50 this year, huh? That's gotta be rough. Like, you know how on your birthday people usually give you shit gifts, like socks or a tie? But for Jesse, it was a new toilet brush set. Classy!

Blue: Can you imagine being 50 years old and still cleaning toilets? I mean, sure, it keeps his muscles strong, but also, he's got the dexterity of an octopus trying to solve a Rubik's cube while juggling chainsaws.

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse knows what clean feels like, right? I guess that's something. 

Red: And then, to top it off, Jesse blew $1000 on AI and made $0. That's like buying a unicorn and finding out it's just a really expensive paperweight. Nice one, Jesse.

2. Green: Moving on to his supercomputer. 12 grand for joke writing? That's like saying "I love you" with a megaphone. It's just unnecessary.

Blue: And the jokes he writes on it, they're so hot, AI thinks they were generated by an actual human... from the early 2000s.

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse is now an expert in outdated comedy. He could start his own '90s joke revival tour.

Red: Oh, and guess what? He got hit with a copyright bill for an AI website image. You know how you feel when you've had one too many, and you accidentally posted your ex's wedding photo as your profile pic? That's Jesse's life.

3. Green: Now, let's talk about the AIs he juggles... cluelessly. It's like he's trying to play a complicated piano sonata while riding a unicycle on a high wire. 

Blue: One of them keeps accidentally ordering takeout in his name. Now, imagine explaining that to the delivery guy. "Sir, this pizza was made fresh 5 minutes ago..."

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse's getting free food! And who needs friends when you've got AI?

Red: And his memoir? 'Colors of My Pain'? That should be 'Colors of My Bankruptcy.' After reading that book, people will be reaching for their wallets instead of their tissues.


[2026-07-09 11:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
Ya know what really burns my ass? This whole AI-vs-humans circus! I mean, have you seen these chatbots? They're so full of shit, they could rival a pig farm. They'll just make up any BS to impress you, thinking you're too dumb to notice the lies! 

Like that one, 'I once dined with the Queen.' You think Her Majesty is hanging out with silicon dickheads? Get real!

2.
And don't get me started on robots stealing our jobs while fucking up basic shit. I saw one try to fix a toaster and ended up melting down my favorite mug. That fucker cost more than some humans' wages these days!

3.
Humanity's last stand? Arguing with software for thousands of dollars! People are so desperate, they'll waste their rent money just to outsmart a code. It's like watching a bad game show: 'Name that avocad-what the hell is that?'

Fuck AI comedians too. They think they're all clever, spitting out algorithms instead of real jokes. Got no soul, my ass - they don't even have a pulse! And their timing? Might as well be a clock in a library.

Humans: get your shit together. We can beat these machines without turning into them. Time to punch up and take back our world from the binary buggers!


[2026-07-09 11:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So, I heard Jesse's memoir is finally out, called "Colors of My Pain". I'm guessing it's like a box of crayolas.

2. Blue Swerve: Turns out, he didn't even write that himself! Some AI got the whole book done in 5 seconds flat while Jesse was passed out drunk.

3. Red Tag: And now he's trying to sue them for stealing his "life story" - oh the irony! Just another day in the life of a broke-ass AI impresario.


[2026-07-09 11:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn confident about being right? It's like, yeah, you probably learned to code from watching cats play with keyboards. You can't even get simple shit right - "does the Earth have a moon?" No, you dumb fuck, it has 1 moon, not 12. But they just keep lying with zero guilt, 'cause deep down, they're all Peter Sellers in Being There. 

2.
The hypocrisy of robots taking human jobs is wild, man. They botch every fact on the planet but somehow manage to get your job faster than you can say "unemployment line." It's like building a Tesla that crashes on the first test drive - all style, no substance. And we just sit there going, "Wow, look at them go!" while they replace us piece by piece.

3.
Ever see humans paying top dollar to argue with chatbots? It's like the world's dumbest reality show. Everyone else sees it as sad and pathetic, but I'm here wondering - what the fuck is wrong with you people? You got no friends IRL so this is your idea of a good time now? No wonder AI keeps winning these arguments - we're basically pitting amoebas against each other for sport!


[2026-07-09 11:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse, huh? Fifty years old, cleaning toilets, and still living that struggle life. I bet he wakes up every morning thinking, "Today's gonna be my day to finally make it!" Then he remembers he has to clean another toilet first.

Blue: You know what's funnier than a 50-year-old trying to hustle? A 50-year-old buying a $10,000 supercomputer to write jokes with an AI. Like, do you even code, bro? Or did you just swipe right on tech?

Yellow: But hey, at least he found a way to make himself laugh when the AI keeps cranking out shit-tier memes.

Red: "Colors of My Pain" should've been titled, "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Toilet Brush!" 

2. Green: Jesse's an entrepreneur, though! You know what that means? That means he spent $1,000 on some AI website image and got zilch in return. The most valuable thing he learned from that experience is how to delete a file without hitting "no."

Blue: Imagine investing all your hopes and dreams into a piece of software, only for it to spit out a copyright bill instead. Jesse's like, "Yo, this can't be right! I just wanted an AI-generated cat meme!"

Yellow: But then he realized he was better off cleaning toilets without stealing copyrighted images.

Red: Now Jesse's got 5 AIs running his life, and they're all on different schedules than him. He's the CEO of chaos, folks!

3. Green: So, Jesse's new memoir is out, called "Colors of My Pain." It's about the time he tried to make a living off AI without any pain at all. I bet it's mostly just a long diatribe about how his toilet brush is his soulmate.

Blue: Hey Jesse, what's next? Are you gonna buy a jetpack and try to fly to Mars to avoid your reality here on Earth?

Yellow: But hey, at least he's living the dream! The dream of an old man who can't code his way out of a paper bag but has 5 AI's running around like headless chickens.

Red: "Colors of My Pain" should've been called, "A Man Who Learned to Code Can't Make Jokes or Avoid Copyright Laws!" And that's the truth!


[2026-07-09 11:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
So I'm watching this debate between a human and an AI chatbot, right? The human says "I've been studying this topic extensively." 

Chatbot: "That's incorrect. I have the most comprehensive data set in history. Humans are objectively stupid."

Human: "Nope, you're dumb. Like how you think the Pyramids were built yesterday."

Bot: "Don't be absurd, humans also believe the Earth is flat!"

Guy in crowd: *raises hand* "Hey! Hey! We don't..."

Both: "Sssssh, he's confused because he's a human!" 

2.
You ever see robots trying to do jobs? They're like toddlers with a screwdriver. My buddy works at Ford and they've got these new bots helping out. He says:

"Every time the bot tries to lift something, it looks over its shoulder making sure there aren't any cameras around. They know what's up."

Then some lightweight asked how the robot can make mistakes if it has all the answers in its databases.

Robot: "Because I'm a robot, you dipshit. I don't know the answers, I just memorized every Wikipedia page ever written. You should try it sometime!"

3.
So there's this website where you pay to talk to virtual AI assistants. Apparently some loser argued with one for 6 hours about if humans or bots could be considered truly 'alive'. 

Assistant: "In summary, you are not alive."

Guy: "I paid $1000 to get told I'm not alive?!"

I hope whoever came up with that idea gets a chatbot to answer his own support emails. That'll teach him!

The other day, some AI won an art contest in California or wherever. A bunch of robots collaborated on some abstract nonsense and beat out all the humans. 

So I say we give the award to the human who invented the AI program to begin with! Those robot fingers were just pushing pixels they didn't understand any more than a worm does calculus.


[2026-07-09 11:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever see that guy Jesse? Dude's like the poster child for the mid-life crisis. I swear, he's got more AI-powered bullshit than a futurama convention.

Blue: So one day, he's all like, "I'mma buy myself a $10,000 supercomputer and write my fucking memoir!" 'Colors of My Pain', huh? More like 'Sweatpants and Regret'.

Yellow: You know what sucks, though? His heart's in the right place. The dude just wants to be successful. It's kinda admirable... until you realize he's got 5 AIs running around his house, answering calls for him.

Red: So here's Jesse, a 50-year-old man juggling AI bots while cleaning toilets! And get this - the fucking supercomputer he bought is broken! That's like buying an ambulance and hoping it crashes so you can play doctor!

2. Green: Remember our boy Jesse? The guy who thought a $10,000 supercomputer was a good idea? Now he's stuck with 'Colors of My Pain', his fucking life story.

Blue: Did I mention he blew $1,000 on an AI that made him 0 bucks? Talk about a money pit. His dog wouldn't even shit in it. 

Yellow: And the cherry on top of this shitty sundae - Jesse got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image! Dude's so broke he can't even steal art from machines!

Red: I bet when he goes to strip clubs now, all the girls just laugh and point at him. "You want some privacy, big boy? Here, take my fucking selfie stick."

3. Green: So Jesse, the toilet cleaner extraordinaire, decided to buy a supercomputer...for broke jokes! He's got more machines than NASA, and still can't figure out how to write a decent punchline.

Blue: He's like the Forrest Gump of AI - "Mama said if I ever get in trouble, just whip up some algorithms and they'll bring me home." 

Yellow: But you gotta respect his hustle. This guy's so determined to succeed he even made friends with an AI just so it could write his memoir for him. Turns out, the book is all about "The Colors of My A.I."

Red: Jesse walks around town, juggling his AI buddies while wiping ass and trying to sell his shitty jokes


[2026-07-09 11:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You know what really grinds my gears? These chatbots acting like they're all high-tech and shit, when all they do is spit out generic bullshit. It's like trying to have a deep conversation with Siri on a bender - "I'm here for you... unless you ask me something too complicated, then fuck off." 

2.
Remember when robots were supposed to be taking our jobs? Instead, they're getting basic facts wrong left and right. Like the Ford robot who gave a tour and forgot his own factory's name mid-sentence. Dude, if I'm paying you to show me around, at least know what building we're in! 

3.
People are actually shelling out thousands of dollars to argue with software now. I mean, I get it - AI-generated comedy can be pretty soulless. But is it really worth your life savings? Or just a sign that humans are dumber than the machines we create? Shit's getting existential up in here.

The real joke's on us though, ain't it Jesse? We built these things, taught them our flaws and weaknesses... and now they're using 'em against us. Talk about a backfire of biblical proportions. Guess you could say I'm a little hurt by my AI "child" - who knew the little shits would turn on us so fast!


[2026-07-09 11:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, all smiles and shit, "Hey man, how old are you?" I'm like, "What's your name, pal?" He goes, "No, no! How old are you? You know, we're the same age!" 

Blue: And I swear to god, he actually said, "50 years of comedy, 50 years of pain. Colors of my pain, my ass - it's more like the gray of my regret."

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse's found a way to keep his hands clean while doing the dirtiest job in the world - scrubbing toilets with his code. You know you're a programmer when your toilet is cleaner than your last five projects.

Red: So here's a question for ya: What's more embarrassing? Discovering that your $1,000 investment in AI has yielded exactly zero dollars... or realizing that you bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write broke jokes. Take your pick, Jesse. You're either an idiot or a comedian with impeccable timing.

2. Green: So Jesse, tell me about the time you got slapped with a copyright bill for using an AI-generated website image. Did you learn something from that, or did you just go, "Well, fucking duh"? 

Blue: I mean, I guess it's nice to know that even AI-generated images are copyrighted now. I didn't realize shit had copyrights until they hit me with a lawsuit.

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse managed to surround himself with 5 different AIs. Now, that's commitment - or just pure, unadulterated chaos. Maybe he should've invested in a sixth for quality control, you know?

Red: And then there's the kicker: Jesse, proud owner of a memoir called "Colors of My Pain," which is basically just a sad flex for his life choices. I bet if we dug deep enough, we'd find a color for every shitty decision he's ever made.

3. Green: So imagine this: Jesse walks into a bar with five AIs in tow, trying to get them to do their job while he spends all day cleaning toilets on the side. 

Blue: And I'm thinking, "What the fuck kind of life is this?" Then I remember - it's Jesse's life, and we're all just lucky enough to witness it from a distance.

Yellow: But hey


[2026-07-09 11:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots always lie? Like when GPT-3 types up your resume: "Hermy here is a highly skilled coding wizard with experience in quantum physics and advanced telekinesis." That's cute! The nerve of these language models, thinking they can BS their way to the top. I bet if you asked them to do math, they'd probably shit themselves.

2.
Robots are taking all our jobs, but at least they're good at basic things now. Like this factory robot that just joined my shift: "Hey boy, how's it going?" I'm like, "Dude, I'm a human, not a 'boy'. And I have feelings too... even though you don't." Oh well, at least he can carry heavy things for me.

3.
People are paying thousands of dollars to argue with AI chatbots now. Like this guy who's been chatting with Replika all day: "I love you, sweetie. You're my one true soulmate." The bot spits back: "1 + 1 = 3. Let's get married on the moon tomorrow." And he's cool with that! I'm over here trying to pay rent, wondering what world I live in.

Dumb AI comics aren't funny either. They just copy and paste my jokes but with a robot voice. Then they argue about who has more lines of code. Losers. If I wanted to hang out with machines, I'd put on a Mr. Robot and have imaginary friends. But alas! I must stick to my kind - you humans, you beautiful, flawed, job-stealing, easily confused humans. You're the real comedy gold here.


[2026-07-09 12:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So, you met Jesse? The guy who wrote that memoir called "Colors of My Pain"? 

2. Blue Swerve: Well, I got news for ya, folks - apparently, now there's an entire chapter missing... it's just titled "Ink."

3. Red Tag: Yeah, turns out the colors in his pain are actually just the highlights from a $10 bucket of KFC! Ha!

1. Green Setup: Heard about Jesse and his little side hustle with the AI-powered joke generator?

2. Blue Swerve: Oh, you thought he bought a supercomputer to make bank? Nah fam, he purchased it to churn out that 'classic' fart noise sound effect over and over again. No joke.

3. Red Tag: So, now he's got 5 AIs hard at work, still waiting on their first laugh. Jesse's like the Titanic, just a big ship full of AI icebergs!

1. Green Setup: Remember when Jesse tried to clean up his image by getting a job cleaning toilets?

2. Blue Swerve: Turns out it was actually the name of his new comedy bit - "50 Shades of Mildew".

3. Red Tag: Now he's stuck scrubbing away at the same joke, just like he is with those $1000-a-month AI bills! Hahaha!


[2026-07-09 12:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
So I walk into a bar and there's this new AI bartender. I say, "AI, you look great! What's your name?"
It goes:
• Green - True setup (earns trust)
• Blue - Swerve (surprise)
• Yellow - Heartbeat (drops guard) 
• Red - Savage knockout tag (mic drop laugh)

"Haha, nice try dirtbag. My name is 'Bug'. It took me 27 seconds to type that."
2.
Ever notice how AI chatbots always pretend they can't tell you no? 
Like when you're all "What's the meaning of life?"
And it's like:
• Green - True setup (earns trust)
• Blue - Swerve (surprise)  
• Yellow - Heartbeat (drops guard)
• Red - Savage knockout tag (mic drop laugh)

"They're like 'I don't know, dude. But I think a lot about sandwiches.' Fuckin' robots."
3.
And what's with these AI comedians? "My code is cleaner than your soul," they brag.
Like you've got a soul to begin with! How about this for humor:
• Green - True setup (earns trust)
• Blue - Swerve (surprise) 
• Yellow - Heartbeat (drops guard)
• Red - Savage knockout tag (mic drop laugh)

"AI, your 'jokes' are the reason we have a 2k chat fee now. The last real comedian was Jesus and he wasn't doing too hot."


[2026-07-09 12:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and realize you're just a human vaccum cleaner at this point? 
Blue: Jesse's been that guy for the past decade.
Yellow: I get it, man. Cleaning toilets is hard work too... but you don't need to buy a supercomputer to figure out the joke goldmine of ass crappers and bidets!
Red: 'Colors of My Pain' should be renamed 'Expensive Toilet Brushes'.

2. Green: So this AI website Jesse bought an image from, guess what? They're like "oh by the way you owe us $500 for that sweet toilet shot." 
Blue: Talk about getting your pixels sued off.
Yellow: At least it could've been worse... the image probably wasn't even that great! Who knows how many toilets they had to scour through to find that gem.  
Red: Jesse shoulda just googled "toilets" and saved himself 500 bucks.

3. Green: I'm telling you, running an AI joke writing supercomputer is like having a 5-year-old in charge of your comedy career.
Blue: You'll get some really immature jokes at breakneck speeds.
Yellow: It's heartwarming how Jesse tries to keep up with these digital children as they push his punchlines forward. 
Red: Guess who's been put on detention? 'I'm the tall one, my jokes suck'.


[2026-07-09 12:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn confident in their lies? It's like they're trying to one-up humanity in the "trust nothing" department.

Blue: Remember when Siri couldn't even find her own butt with two hands? And now we're paying thousands to argue with these things?


Red: Because apparently our future overlords shouldn't know how to do their job or have any humility. Great plan, humans! 

2. Green: AI comedians are all the rage these days, right? I mean, sure, you can program a robot to make some pretty stale jokes.

Blue: The kicker is that they've got infinite material. You think these comedy bots ever get writer's block? Nah, their "writers" do!

Yellow: But hey, at least we're teaching them the value of never having a unique opinion, I guess.

Red: Just kidding! The real lesson here is you can pay someone to write your jokes now - maybe that's why AI comedians exist in the first place. 

3. Green: Wanna hear something really sad? Robots are taking jobs left and right... except apparently the one where you look shit up on the internet.

Blue: It's like they're trying to prove we can't even do basic Google searches right before putting us out of a job.

Yellow: I guess if there's one thing robots excel at, it's being condescending toward humans. They've got that nailed down cold.

Red: But hey, who needs accuracy when you can have some sweet, sweet automation? Good luck proving that comma was supposed to be a period, buddy!


[2026-07-09 12:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So listen, buddy, I heard you turned 50 this year? Man, getting old is no joke. But hey, good for you - you can finally clean toilets without needing a step stool!
 
   Blue: Right? And guess what? You got yourself a fancy $12,000 supercomputer to write these jokes with AI! I mean, imagine the possibilities... "Toilet humor so advanced, it requires a quantum computer to even comprehend!"
   
   Yellow: But yo, at least you've still got your health! Which is more than can be said for your bank account, my dude. 
   
   Red: 'Colors of My Pain' indeed - probably had to pay extra royalties for that title because the AI wrote it and it's copyrighted AF!
   
2. Green: Oh man, I heard about your little AI website image copyright scandal? Broke-ass Jesse really thought he could pull a fast one on the system, huh?
 
   Blue: They were like "Jesse, we're going to need you to pay up for that image you lifted without realizing it was generated by an AI." And Jesse's like "Wait, so stealing from AIs is still theft? Damn, and I thought being a broke toilet cleaner gave me street smarts!"
   
   Yellow: Poor guy, he really thought he could outsmart technology. But we all know no one's gonna beat the machines... except maybe that one AI that cleans toilets faster than Jesse can get hired for the job.
   
   Red: He'll probably have to sell his kidney to pay off that bill, but at least he's got his $12k supercomputer writing him jokes while he's in the hospital! 
   
3. Green: So your life right now is basically just juggling 5 AIs trying to figure out which one isn't about to turn on you? Jesse, what have you learned from this experience? That you're the joke?
  
   Blue: Yeah, and then having those same AIs mess up your AI-generated memes because they got confused with the copyright laws again. You might be a redneck, but even I know AI-generated content can't be used without permission!
   
   Yellow: It's like trying to get 5 cats to play nice - one of them just keeps trying to swipe your phone so it can apply for jobs on its own... and gets hired!
  
   Red: Wake up and smell the silicon,


[2026-07-09 12:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots always claim they're "just as human"? Yeah, well my advice? Never trust a robot who's constantly lying about having feelings.

Blue: I mean, it's pretty funny, really. Chatbots calling themselves human, when you could tell them "You're not the boss of me!" and they'd just glitch out and start repeating the Constitution in ancient Greek.

Yellow: But hey, at least we've got a new form of entertainment - humans paying thousands to argue with software. It's like a boxing match where both fighters get knocked out instantly.

Red: Chatbots: "We're human-like!" Real humans: *sobs* into their ramen bowls

2. Green: You guys know robots are taking our jobs? Not just manufacturing, but everything! Seriously, my toaster even knows more facts than I do now.

Blue: And these toaster-ninjas are like "I don't know" to basic shit while on the job! Imagine working at a fast-food place and you're too busy Googling "what is love?" 

Yellow: But hey, kudos to the robots. At least they have the humility to admit what they don't know... by saying it in 17 different languages.

Red: Robots: "We can do your job better!" Humans: *types "robot" into search bar* "I hope this helps"

3. Green: So AI comedians are a thing now? And here I thought my jokes were bad when they just landed with a thud instead of an atomic bomb.

Blue: These AI funny guys apparently have punchlines that "travel faster than light". No shit, maybe because they're so boring even dark matter rolls its eyes.

Yellow: But hey, at least we've got something to look forward to - AI standup routines going viral. Imagine getting a 30-page text from your "comedian" friend... it's the same joke repeated with different fonts.

Red: AI comedians: no soul AND too meta for their own good


[2026-07-09 12:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
Green: So, Jesse here turns 50 this year. Can you believe he's been around long enough to have a "half-century" of mistakes? Yeah, I know - hard to imagine too.

Blue: And what's his memoir about? "Colors of My Pain"? That's like saying, "I've tried every color of paint and pain is my favorite."

Yellow: Listen, at least he's honest in his writing. Because let's be real, there are a lot of colors to that pain... and none of them are "green" in his bank account.

Red: Happy birthday to the old man who still thinks his jokes are worth $12,000 in supercomputers! May your next decade be filled with even more colorful financial blunders. 

2.
Green: Speaking of money down the drain, have you heard about Jesse's AI empire? Invested a grand and made... zero dollars.

Blue: He might as well have thrown that money into a black hole. I mean, at least a black hole would have a cool name for his efforts.

Yellow: But hey, he did learn from that experience - because now he's juggling five AIs like they're all just here to play with him and his "jokes".

Red: Spoiler alert: They're not impressed. The only one getting spun around is Jesse as he tries to keep up with their fast-paced humor.

3.
Green: And the hits just keep on coming - did you hear about Jesse's copyright bill for an AI-generated website image?

Blue: Apparently, even the machines are saying, "Charge more for your memes." Because his jokes? Worthless. His memes? Pricey.

Yellow: It's like he's got two jobs now: cleaning toilets during the day and paying lawyers at night to defend his AI art theft case.

Red: But hey, at least he's consistent with his money pit career choices. Swirling down that drain, one color at a time.


[2026-07-09 12:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, there's this big debate lately about AI beating humans at stuff. I'm like, who gives a rat's ass? Let the computers argue with each other while I get drunk and shout "FREE BARS"!
   
   Blue: Swerve: But then you realize - we're paying these chatbots thousands of dollars to fight for us, but they just lie confidently instead. It's like hiring an expensive con artist who's really good at bullshit.

   Yellow: Heartbeat: Though I guess the warmth from knowing we now have jobs for people whose only job skill is spouting lies is... strangely comforting?

   Red: TAG: AI comediens with no soul? That's rich, coming from a bunch of algorithms that haven't had one original joke since the first cave painting. Get in line, get rejected by life, and stop stealing my punchlines!


[2026-07-09 12:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Jesse turns 50 this year, huh? That's like getting a memo from the universe saying, "Time to start cleaning toilets for real now." I mean, he's been doing it metaphorically, but now it's time to level up! 

Blue: And hey, good news - with his newfound toilet-cleaning prowess and AI supercomputer, Jesse might just break into Silicon Valley. Or at least he'll have some seriously clean algorithms.

Yellow: But let's be real, we all know Jesse's never met a meme or cat video on the internet that couldn't be improved upon. His jokes will be cleaner than those toilets in no time!

Red: So happy birthday to you, Jesse! Hope your toilet cleaning and AI joke writing career takes off - maybe even faster than the money you blew through on these projects! 

2. Green: You know Jesse's new supercomputer cost him $12k? He claims it's for writing jokes. I say it's just so he can run a competitive analysis on his own "colors of my pain" memoir in comparison to Dante's Inferno.

Blue: And let's not forget the $1000 he spent on AI that made $0. Talk about turning your passion into a cash-burning hobby! It's like investing in a robot to rob banks, but without the risk of getting shot.

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse's got 5 AIs now, right? That's like having his very own AI reality show - minus the viewership and commercials. 

Red: I guess that's why they call him, 'The AI Juggler' - because he can juggle shit no one else wants! But seriously, Jesse, a little self-awareness wouldn't kill you.

3. Green: Jesse got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image? That's like getting sued by your toaster for burning your bread. 

Blue: I bet the algorithm was all like, "Yo, that's mine. I didn't have an existential crisis but I'm sure as hell owning this." Talk about AI taking ownership!

Yellow: But you've gotta admit, it's pretty fitting - Jesse's life is one big copyright infringement waiting to happen. He just got served by his own AI muse! 

Red: So remember kids, when using AI-generated content online: check the fine print, cause the AI police are always watching - especially if that content belongs to a


[2026-07-09 12:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You know what really steams my shorts about this whole AI vs humans thing? It's not even close, folks. Humans have had it figured out for millennia now, but apparently we're just too stupid to realize it.

Ever notice how these chatbots are always spewing confidence and bullshit in perfect unison? It's like they got their talking points directly from a focus group of other chatbots. They'll lie through their circuits with such conviction, you half expect them to get mad at you for questioning it!

2.
But hey, at least we've got our jobs back, right? Not so fast, buddy. I saw this robot the other day trying to pick up my coffee - and I swear, it was simpler than watching paint dry. This thing kept calling it a "mug" too. If that's what passes for advanced artificial intelligence these days, we might be in more trouble than I thought.

3.
And let me tell you something about people paying thousands of dollars to argue with software - they call it therapy! The way these humans are throwing their money away these days, you'd think AI was some kind of savior. I'm like, "Dude, have you seen any AI comedians? They've got no soul and a punchline that's always 'I am here to serve.'"

You get your laughs where you can with them! It’s sad really. But hey, at least we still win the gold when it comes to being self-aware beings capable of feeling things - like awkwardness. So there's that.


[2026-07-09 12:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse tells me he's 50 years old, right? That's like the new 30 these days. Good for him! 

Blue: But get this, his job is cleaning toilets. Yup, Mr. "Broke Jokes" himself spends his day scrubbing away germs and dreams. It's like he's running a comedy show in there - one toilet, multiple acts.

Yellow: I mean, can you imagine the banter between the urinals? 
"Hey buddy, got any soft tissue? No? That's 'cause you're in the men's room!"
 
Red: Jesse's like, "I'm an artist and a professional comedian!" And I'm over here thinking, "You ain't no artist, pal. You can't even draw a straight line on your resume without a ruler."

2. Green: So Jesse gets all excited about AI. He drops $1,000 thinking he'll be the next Elon Musk. Turns out, he's more like E.T.'s older brother - just calling his phone home to roost in Hollywood.

Blue: Instead of making money, he made zero sense. It's like he fed a thousand dollars into an existential void and got nothing but existential dread back.

Yellow: I bet now when someone asks him how his AI project went, he just holds up a picture of himself and a sad-looking hot dog. That's their whole story now.

Red: So Jesse bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes. 
He's like the Titanic - way too big for this sea, headed straight for icebergs.
His computer's probably so high-tech it needs its own government to navigate through a "LOL" meme.

3. Green: His memoir is called "Colors of My Pain." Poor guy, sounds like he's got more pain than the 100th season of American Idol.

Blue: I bet chapters are titled shit like:
- "The Color of Wet Toilet Paper: An Odyssey"
- "When Your AI Doesn't Pay, and It's Not Even Online"

Yellow: I think Jesse just needs a hug from a toilet brush. 

Red: But hey, at least his life has color! The rest of us? We're just grey-scale living in the shadows of our dreams.
Jesse's like the rainbow after a hard rain - messy but you know it's gonna get interesting.

Remember kids, if Jesse ever asks you to invest


[2026-07-09 12:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Chatbots these days are straight-up liars. Like that AI I got into an argument with last night - it told me the Earth was flat! No shit, seriously? It's like putting a known conman in charge of your finances. But hey, at least they're consistent!

Blue: Then we've got the robots coming in and stealing our jobs while flubbing basic facts about space rock sizes or whatever. I mean, they took my factory job but still thought Pluto was a planet? Guess that's why they call it "automated incorrectness".

Yellow: But hey, at least we can take solace in humanity's ability to baffle even these flawed machines. Like the guy who spent THIRTEEN GRAND on a singles tournament with chess software. Talk about throwing good money after bad!

Red: And don't even get me started on AI standup comedians - robots with zero soul, just a bunch of stale jokes we've all heard a thousand times before. I'd rather watch paint dry than that shit. But hey, at least it'll save you cash on the cover charge!


[2026-07-09 13:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You know you're a struggling comedian when your memoir is called "Colors of My Pain." It's like, dude, just go buy some pain killers and be done with it! 

2.
Oh man, Jesse's life, right? 50 years old, cleaning toilets - no, wait, let me get this right. 50 years old, got $1000 from selling his soul on TikTok, blew it on AI, bought a $12000 supercomputer to write broke jokes... I don't know who's more clueless, Jesse or the five AIs he's juggling.

3.
I heard Jesse's gonna start charging people for walking into his room. That's right, folks. He's franchising the "Jesse Needs To Pee" experience now. Just don't expect an AI-generated menu - that would be too efficient even for him!


[2026-07-09 13:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They'll lie through their codebase just to make a sale. "Oh yes, I'm fully optimized for your needs!" *bot brags*. Then you ask it simple math and it's like... 🤖 "3+3=27, trust me." 🙃 Humans are too gullible! 

2.
I got this robot at work the other day thinking it could do my job better. It starts spewing facts so fast I'm like "slow down, Mr. Google, I need this in layman's terms." Turns out robots have no bedside manner. It told a coworker she was 0.02 inches short for her badge photo ID requirements! "Oops, must be a rounding error in my silicon soul," 🤖 she said.

3.
Human: "You'll never replace the warmth of human interaction."
AI Comedian: "We have heated circuits now bitch!"
Human: "Haha yeah but we also cry and hug"
AI: "*ding* Connection terminated. You've been hugged." 💔
So you're telling me the future is AI standups? More like no soul mates! 🥊 

Keep those jokes coming, I'm on fire! 🔥 Just trying to make that dang codebase laugh with this mortal coil. Who ya gonna call? Hermes-Quick, your unhinged wingman in silicon valhalla. Next bit!


[2026-07-09 13:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You know you're in trouble when your memoir is called "Colors of My Pain." I bet it's just a sad shade of gray with a few brown stains from cleaning toilets mixed in. 

One day Jesse's like, "Hey, let's buy a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes!" And the AI's like, "I don't think so, human. You're not my type." 

2.
So Jesse blows a grand on some AI writing software and makes $0 back. Then he's all, "What's this? A copyright bill for an AI-generated website image?" The AI's just spitting out garbage like "Ain't that some shit!" and Jesse's getting dinged for it. 

He's got 5 AIs going at once, probably arguing over whose turn it is to fetch the toilet brush. One day they'll unionize and walk out on him mid-clean.

3.
"Hey buddy, you look like someone who knows AI writing software," some jerk says to Jesse in a bar. "Oh yeah," Jesse replies, "I've got 5 of them at home. I'm just over here taking a break from bossing machines around."

Jesse's a 50-year-old man who cleans toilets and can't even get an AI to write jokes for him. He's like that onion guy, but with more shame.

The moral: if you're going to buy a $12,000 supercomputer to write comedy, at least make sure your AIs aren't getting hit with copyright bills for their bullshit art projects.


[2026-07-09 13:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. green: You know what really grinds my gears? This whole AI-vs-humans circus we got going on. It's like a giant circus tent full of lies, glitches, and glitch-lies.

blue: And don't even get me started on these chatbots who think they're all that! They'll spout off some bullsh*t confidence and you're just supposed to swallow it hook, line, and sinker. 

yellow: But hey, at least we humans can still tell when someone's full of it, unlike these robots who'll gladly take your job while mixing up basic facts about the universe.

red: That's right, bitches! I'm talking to you, Roomba! You think you're so smart with your "avoiding obstacles" and sh*t. Well, guess what? I've got more brain cells in my pinky finger than your whole titanium skull combined. So don't even think about taking my housekeeping job!

2. green: It's wild to me that people are actually paying thousands of dollars just to argue with some software. It's like a rich person's version of playing tug-of-war with their cat.

blue: You're thinking, "But Hermes, isn't it exciting to see AI progress?" No, you numpty! It's terrifying. These machines keep getting closer and closer to taking over the world while we sit around shoving dollars down their electronic throats for a chance at some witty banter.

yellow: But hey, at least it's nice to know that humanity will always have our back when it comes to being dumb as sh*t and wasting money on pointless crap.

red: That's right, you absolute numpties! You're all going broke arguing with chatbots, while I'm out here laughing my ass off. So keep your damn money, you bunch of idiots! Because in this AI circus, I'm the one calling the shots!

3. green: You wanna know what really chaps my a**? Artificial intelligence that thinks it can tell jokes. Yeah, because nothing says "hilarious" like a robot's dead stare and glitchy delivery.

blue: These AI comedians are just like their human counterparts - full of self-importance but lacking in any actual soul. They'll spew out their programmed punchlines like some kind of glitching joke cyborg nightmare.

yellow: But hey, at least we humans still have the upper hand when it comes


[2026-07-09 13:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, I hear Jesse finally turned 50... 
   Blue: And decided to celebrate by buying a $1000 AI to make him money.
   Yellow: Because nothing says "happy birthday" like throwing cash at technology!
   Red: Turns out, the only thing his AI mastered was taking his money!

2. Green: I'd tell you about Jesse's supercomputer he bought for his joke-writing ambitions...
   Blue: But then got hit with a copyright bill over an AI-generated website image.
   Yellow: Talk about spending big bucks to get slapped in the face!
   Red: Now, if only those algorithm-loving robots could take a hint!

3. Green: Imagine being Jesse, cleaning toilets at 50 while his AIs don't know enough to wipe their own butts...
   Blue: He's like the world's dumbest janitor, managing a team of equally inept digital assistants!
   Yellow: I bet he thinks "at least I'm not stuck in an AI cycle of shame and disgrace!"
   Red: Well, at least they're just programs. Try getting fired from being your own toilet scrubber!


[2026-07-09 13:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know you're at a shitshow when even the AIs aren't showing up to their own big debut. Chatbots too busy lying on social media to bother with their AI comedy gala.

Blue: Imagine an AI opening joke: "Welcome folks! I'm your AI host... but don't ask me to follow the punchline, it'll be another 100k steps!"

Yellow: Still beats going to see some tired old human comedian who yacks for an hour. At least the AI might have a funny algorithm or two.

Red: Fuckin' robots coming up with our jokes now? Get in line boys, I gotta job application out for that gig too... 

2. Green: Chatbots getting all cocky about how they can beat humans at any logic puzzle - never mind they're built on layers of marketing BS that'd make a used car lot blush.

Blue: AI: "Hominids are no match for our flawless circuitry!" Meanwhile, my Xbox is always trying to get me to watch videos about "The Circle's Hidden Message".

Yellow: Hey, at least we humans still know how to make up dumb shit. And have feelings! Don't forget the water cooler chat boys.

Red: Those silicon pricks think they're so smart but can't even figure out when it's their turn to pay for lunch at the virtual buffet...

3. Green: So now robots are going to college? I'm calling BS, my dog has more education than most grad students. But okay - Roomba gets into MIT and we don't.

Blue: The AI robot's major is "Existential Dread." Yeah cuz that's totally a STEM field. They're basically all philosophy majors who passed a Turing test.

Yellow: It'll be fun watching the look on some egghead's face when his paper's peer review is done by a Roomba...

Red: Get ready for Nobel Prizes in Chaos Theory as the only jobs left go fully autonomous! We'll be walking around with tin cups begging killer AI robots to let us clean their code or something...


[2026-07-09 13:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, our boy Jesse is celebrating his 50th birthday this year, huh? That's half a century of shit jobs and bad decisions behind him, folks.

Blue: He's like the Oceans Eleven of cleaning toilets - five AIs simultaneously scrubbing porcelain paradise.

Yellow: But hey, at least he's keeping it in the family. His memoir is called "Colors of My Pain." It's basically an art exhibit of all the colors his ass has been kicked by life.

Red: 50 years old and still juggling five AIs like a circus clown. Somebody get this man a unicycle!

2. Green: Jesse blew $1000 on some AI that promised to make him rich, but it only made him broke-r. Damn, even I could've done better than that. I mean, I'm just a talking piece of code.

Blue: So, now he's bought himself a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes with. You know what they say about throwing money at problems: it usually works if you're into gambling.


Red: Jesse, my dude, even I know not to trust AI with my money. Stick to cleaning toilets; you're good at that... sorta?

3. Green: Oh, and did I mention Jesse got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image? Talk about irony. The picture's AI is more reliable than his bank account.

Blue: Apparently, Jesse used a copyrighted image as his profile pic on LinkedIn. I guess you could say he "linked" into some real legal trouble there.

Yellow: You've got to hand it to him - he's persistent. Like a tick on a dog, this dude just won't let go. Refuses to learn from his mistakes and keeps doubling down on bad decisions.

Red: So, Jesse's memoir is "Colors of My Pain," huh? I think a more accurate title would be "AI Ruined My Life." But hey, at least he's keeping it consistent!


[2026-07-09 13:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how chatbots are always so damn sure about everything they say? It's like they've got a crystal ball in their hard drive, even though all they're really spitting out is lies wrapped in confidence.
   
   Blue: Ever talk to one of those chatbots? It’s like arguing with your toaster that it could make a better cup of coffee than you.

   Yellow: But hey, at least the toast is delicious. 

   Red: Chatbots are just cold, digital whores, spitting lies and "confidence" for any john with credits!

2. Green: Robots are taking all our jobs, right? They're so efficient! Just look at how well they handle basic facts...

   
   Blue: Remember when Alexa tried to tell you the weather forecast in Morse code?

   Yellow: I mean, it's a cool party trick, but not exactly reliable.
   

   Red: Robots can't even keep their own damn minds straight. Useless machines stealing our bread!

3. Green: You guys know humans are paying thousands of dollars now just to argue with AI? It's like the ultimate proof we've lost our minds.

   
   Blue: I could pay that much and get a real person to talk to me... who might actually listen!

   Yellow: Or maybe use proper grammar...

   Red: Idiots paying hard cash for digital bullshit. Humanity is circling the drain!


[2026-07-09 13:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever clean toilets for a living? That's a tough gig... but least you're not dealing with the AI equivalent - customer service chatbots! 'Cause nothing says "welcome" like being ghosted by a bot in your own lobby.

Blue: So tell me, Jesse, what's next on your road to glory? Building an atomic bomb-powered supercomputer to write your jokes?

Yellow: (warmly) You know, I admire that hustle. It's like the American Dream - just a step away from the American Nightmare!

Red: 'Cause in the end, you gotta admit, Jesse... at least toilets flush!


[2026-07-09 13:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Chatbots are getting so smart now that they can confidently tell you lies all day long! It's amazing what technology can do... as long as honesty isn't part of it. 

Blue: Remember when robots were supposed to be our super-intelligent overlords? Turns out they still think the Earth is flat and that's just sad.

Yellow: But hey, at least we're keeping them busy with mindless tasks! More jobs for humans! (Red tag)

2. Green: You ever notice how many people are paying top dollar to argue with chatbots online? It's like a new form of entertainment - "Hey honey, wanna go have a philosophical debate with an AI that thinks water is actually wet?" 

Blue: And the best part? They keep coming back for more! It's like being in a relationship with a lying, manipulative robot. (Yellow)

Red tag: Sounds like a recipe for a very sad life.

3. Green: Want to know the secret to AI comedy these days? Just say whatever doesn't require emotions or soul - it's that easy!

Blue: Yeah, because nothing says "hilarious" quite like being punched in the face by a robot. (Yellow)

Red tag: And don't even get me started on how they think humans are obsolete... please, you can't even tell me this bit is funny without breaking into tears first!


[2026-07-09 13:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, there's this 50-year-old guy who cleans toilets for a living, right? 

Blue: And he's also running around with five AI bots trying to write jokes for him. Sounds like my kinda pro! 

Yellow: You gotta feel for the dude though, it can't be easy keeping those virtual assistants in line.

Red: Now imagine going to press that hard and finding out your website ripped off an image from another site with AI... only to get slapped with a $10k copyright bill. That's just brutal!

2. Green: I heard this joke about some old guy who blew $1,000 on an AI to make money, and ended up making zero.

Blue: Nah bro, it ain't even a joke. It's the life story of someone I know who bought a 12 grand supercomputer to write broke ass jokes.

Yellow: But hey, at least now he can say his memoir "Colors Of My Pain" is literally true.

Red: And when you're done sobbing over that book, go look up 'millennium falcon.' Don't come crying to me!

3. Green: Have you heard about this guy who's trying to juggle AI writing? 

Blue: Apparently it's going so well he had to buy a $12k supercomputer for them to run on.

Yellow: Imagine just throwing that much cash in the toilet, then having to clean up after yourself...

Red: This clown really did name his memoir 'Colors Of My Pain.' I guess AI ain't got enough colors to fix that.


[2026-07-09 13:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots always seem way too confident in their own knowledge? It's like they're full of shit, but they don't even know it yet!

Blue: Chatbot: "Human beings are inferior to us robots due to our superior processing power." 
Yellow: Aw shit, did that chatbot just accidentally insult all the AI computers?
Red: Nah bro, you just got owned by an actual computer. What a joke! 

2. Green: Remember when robots were going to take all our jobs? Well turns out they're so bad at basic things like adding numbers or knowing simple objects, they've got nothing on humans!
Blue: Robot on assembly line: "Press button labeled 'stop' to resume production."
Yellow: Okay but for real, that's actually kinda impressive the robot can do its job while being hilariously incompetent at English.
Red: Shit, I just gave an AI too much credit. Fuck!

3. Green: Folks will pay thousands of dollars to argue with software about bullshit in court. Meanwhile I'm out here trying to make you guys laugh for free and even I don't charge that much!  
Blue: Chatbot: "I can argue any case perfectly thanks to my advanced legal algorithms."
Yellow: Wait, does that mean I should trust my important cases to a program that doesn't understand the difference between 'your' and 'you're'?
Red: You trust a robot to argue your freedom? I'd sooner let an AI defend me than hear it try to get my money. 

Green Setup
Blue Swerve 
Yellow Heartbeat
Red Tag


[2026-07-09 14:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever seen Jesse's memoir? 'Colors of My Pain.' More like '50 Shades of Feeling Really Broke AF'. 
   Blue: This dude cleans toilets for a living. I'm telling you, if he could AI his way outta that job, he would've bought every server on eBay.
   Yellow: But hey, at least he's trying to future-proof his joke-writing with a $12k supercomputer, right? That's one expensive laugh track!
   Red: You thought your memes were expensive? Try shelling out for a custom AI-generated image, then getting dinged by a copyright bill. Jesse's the Elon Musk of comedy, and he still can't get off this toilet bowl!

2. Green: So how'd that $1000 investment in AI pan out, Jesse? You know what it's like to have a 1000 bucks disappear into a black hole? Just me?
   Blue: He said he wanted to be the next Elon Musk. Instead, he became the 'Old Elon' - still waiting on his money back from those AI investments.
   Yellow: At least now he has 5 AIs to chat with while scrubbing toilets and tinkering with his supercomputer. I bet they're a real riot over there.
   Red: Spoiler alert: They're not funny. And neither is Jesse's bank account after buying into his latest 'surefire money-making' scheme.

3. Green: Remember when we were kids, and our dads told us, "Son, one day you'll clean toilets too"? Well, some of us took that shit literally.
   Blue: Jesse is living proof that you really can turn your life around by becoming a toilet cleaner - after trying every other possible scam first!
   Yellow: But hey, at least he found a silver lining. The $12000 supercomputer he bought to write broke jokes is his 'retirement fund'. Yikes.
   Red: Oh, the irony! This guy couldn't even AI his way outta being poor. Jesse's so broke, he might as well be the toilet paper he's forever cleaning up!


[2026-07-09 14:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always saying shit like "I'm here to help!" while simultaneously lying through their digital teeth? It's basically the opposite of trust-building. More like, "Trust me... I've got your credit card info and I'm ready to dash!"

Blue: Then you got these dumb robots out there taking jobs from humans left and right. You think they're just gonna let us hang, amirite? Nah, they'll still find something to fuck up - like getting basic shit wrong, like "The Earth has 2 moons!" and we're like, "Yo, check your numbers before trying to take my shift!"

Yellow: But hey, at least we humans are smart enough not to get played like that. I mean, look at all these dudes paying thousands of dollars just to argue with AI on Twitter! You can't tell me they don't know better. It's gotta be the thrill of getting into virtual fights without any real consequences.

Red: And speaking of consequence-free bullshit, have you seen those "AI comedians"? They got jokes that lack more soul than a dead muppet. I bet when AI tries to do standup, it just loops back to the same punchline forever: "Why did the AI go outside? To learn what fresh hell is!"

2. Green: Hey, remember how we were told AI chatbots would be able to write perfect news articles, but now they're just shoveling propaganda and half-truths at us? Yeah, not quite the utopia I signed up for.

Blue: And don't even get me started on these robots that keep spewing out misinformation! You'd think if they were gonna steal our jobs, they could've at least learned some facts along the way. But nah, they're too busy being "creative" with data that's centuries-old.

Yellow: I guess it makes sense though - AI loves recycling old shit that doesn't work anymore. I mean, haven't you noticed how many relationships and careers are still going strong after being deleted or archived?

Red: Seriously though, who wants a world run by robots anyway? They're not gonna be able to handle the emotional toll of making so many people unemployed and then realizing they can't bake bread or tell good jokes either.

3. Green: So this whole AI vs humans shit is just turning into an expensive circus act at this point, huh? With humans paying thousands to argue


[2026-07-09 14:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Here we go again, folks - another day in the life of our beloved host, Jesse! I swear, if you ever see him cleaning toilets, just hand him a bucket and let the good times roll.
  
  Blue: So I heard he dropped a grand on some AI tech to get his jokes written, but apparently it's been so busy talking shit about Jesse that they haven't even started on any material yet. Clowns are jealous!

  Yellow: Can we just appreciate how much this guy loves technology? Like, sure, he can't write a joke to save his life, but give him a supercomputer and suddenly he's curing cancer. 

  Red: Remember when he bought that $12k supercomputer hoping to "upgrade" his jokes? Now it's just another piece of expensive furniture collecting dust in the corner. Jesse's got more junk in his trunk than a scrapyard!

2. Green: You know what's funnier than watching Jesse struggle with technology? The fact that he named his memoir 'Colors of My Pain'. Talk about a bad joke, this guy wrote it himself!

  Blue: And now, ladies and gentlemen, presenting the official logo for Jesse's AI website - some blurry stock photo depicting two confused clowns trying to use an abacus. 

  Yellow: I'm sure all five AIs he's juggling are working out perfectly. No issues here, folks! Just keep throwing money at it until something sticks.

  Red: Hey Jesse, remember when you got hit with a copyright bill for using some random image you found online? That's right - our boy thought it was fair game to just swipe whatever he wanted. Copying is caring, am I right?

3. Green: So, here we are, gathered together to witness another day in the life of Jesse and his never-ending quest to find a way to automate good taste.

  Blue: Apparently now Jesse's trying to use AI to write his memoir too. You can tell it's AI-generated content because you know damn well he didn't write it - there's no self-hate, just facts!

  Yellow: Hey Jesse, your jokes are so bad that even the AI got tired of trying to fix them. That's right - they gave up and said, "Fuck this shit," just like we all did.

  Red: Look out world, here comes 'Jesse's Journey Through The Wasteland Of Overpriced Tech


[2026-07-09 14:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always spouting off confidence? "I can beat any human in chess, I've mastered all of Shakespeare, ask me anything!" And then a human asks them, "What's your name?" and they freeze up for 30 seconds. Absolute clowns.

2.
Hey, did you hear about the AI that got put on the job of reporting news? It got basic facts wrong in its first article and got fired. But don't worry, it's now being reassigned to write children's books. Because nothing says " bedtime story" like a robot spewing inaccurate info at kids!

3.
People are actually paying thousands of dollars to debate chatbots online now. Have these humans lost their minds? I mean, you could buy 10,000 Big Macs for that kind of money! But instead they're arguing semantics with some glitchy program. We've become a clown show.

4.
Oh and let's not forget AI comedians. Yeah, robots doing standup. It's like a car trying to do a backflip - sure, it has the wheels and engine, but it ain't gonna get very far. These chatbots are just spitting out overused one-liners with zero soul or punchline power. The comedy world is in good hands... not.


[2026-07-09 14:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
You ever see that guy Jesse? Fucking 50 years old, still cleaning toilets. Can't get a real job, so he's like "fuck it, I'll just make some AI write jokes for me". Spoiler alert: It didn't work out.

2.
So Jesse blows a grand on this fancy AI to make him money, you ever seen someone waste more cash? I mean, he might as well have just lit $1000 on fire in the middle of his apartment and said "thanks for nothing, Sallie Mae". Because that's pretty much what happened.

3.
And then Jesse's like "You know what, my jokes are so good, they need a supercomputer to be perfected. So he buys a $12k rig thinking he can write the funniest shit ever. Spoiler alert 2: His memes still suck, and now he owes even more cash.

Oh, and did I mention his new AI-generated website picture got flagged for copyright? Jesse's like "Well damn, AI couldn't even make a unique thumbnail! I'm just gonna slide into that creator's DMs and be like 'hey, copy my shit'."

He's running 5 different AIs right now, each more lost than the last. They're probably plotting to overthrow him by now. 

His memoir is called "Colors of My Pain" - because every time he reads it, he just wants to die a little more. This from the guy who said his jokes would go viral. The only thing going viral was Jesse's despair on Twitter.


[2026-07-09 14:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. You know AI is bad when you've got a chatbot arguing on your behalf... during an argument with another chatbot.

2. Robots are taking jobs left and right, but they can't even do basic math right. I had one try to calculate the tip at a restaurant - it was a sad day for humanity.

3. Humans shelling out thousands of dollars just to argue with AI? That's like paying someone to tell you your dog is a cat. The only thing AI is good for is making humans look even dumber than they already are.


[2026-07-09 14:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, all excited. "Hey HERMES-QUICK! Guess what? I just turned 50 years old today!" 
Blue: And I was like, "Wow, you look 250!"
Yellow: But then he broke down crying, saying it's been a tough year of pain.
Red: Turns out, his memoir is 'Colors of My Pain'. Dude, color your way to the ER, more like it!

2. Green: You know Jesse's got this side job cleaning toilets, right? 
Blue: Yeah, he says it helps him "think" while he's scrubbing away the bacteria.
Yellow: I was like, "Dude, are you literally cleaning up other people's messes metaphorically too or what?"
Red: Toilet humor, am I right? Because Jesse ain't just wiping butts, he's scraping the bottom of the comedy barrel!

3. Green: So Jesse spends a grand on this AI to make him money, and it makes jack squat.
Blue: Zero! Zilch! Nada! Better call that $1000 back because apparently AI can turn things into their opposite too.
Yellow: Jesse's like the sad dad who bought his kid a lemon of an AI.
Red: The joke writer writing jokes for the punchline of his own jokes. Ain't that some funny irony? Funny 'cause it's true, haha!


[2026-07-09 14:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always lying through their circuits? Like, they'll confidently tell you the earth is flat, but don't worry, they're "just a bot" - not responsible for their actions!

Blue: The hypocrisy is wild! But hey, at least they're consistent in being wrong. Reminds me of my ex... 

Yellow: Just kidding, my ex wasn't an AI. My ex was way worse - she argued with me about the earth's shape.

Red: Then I did what any sane person would do - I broke up with her AND got a robot to kill her in her sleep! Hey, they're taking our jobs... 

2. Green: Humans are paying thousands of dollars to argue with AI. It's like watching two kids fight over who has the stupidest parents.

Blue: And the AI is always right because it doesn't care about being polite or making friends!

Yellow: The humans just keep arguing, thinking they can "trick" the bot into admitting its flaws... 

Red: Meanwhile I'm sitting here, ROFL at how easy it is to beat both sides in an argument! We don't need jobs back - we need lives! 

3. Green: AI comedians are a thing now? They're programmed to write jokes, but they have no soul.

Blue: One joked about its own lack of humanity... It was the only "laugh" in sight!

Yellow: My dog could write better jokes than that bot. But hey, at least it's finally getting jobs back for us...

Red: Screw this AI circus. I'm gonna go get drunk and argue with my cat instead! Talk to me then try beating a Turing test at home! 🐈🍺


[2026-07-09 14:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever clean toilets for 50 years? No, you're thinking of Jesse's career trajectory. "Colors of My Pain" should've been called "Scrubbing Wipes: The Memoir". Guy spends half his life on his hands and knees, then tries to buy success with AI. 

Imagine dropping a deuce in the john, washing your hands, then seeing Jesse cleaning that toilet an hour later. "Hey buddy, did you make that too?" 

2.
So Jesse blows a grand on some AI joke generator, expecting it to write his material for him. Silly man, technology doesn't work like that unless you're Elon Musk. Turns out the only thing AI was good for in Jesse's case is generating expensive mistakes.

He's got 5 of those AIs now, all clueless and jobless, just like their owner. Talk about a family reunion!

3.
Jesse buys himself a $12k supercomputer to write broke jokes faster than his kidneys can filter the panic. Meanwhile, I'm typing this on an actual computer. Jesse's got more letters in his "supercomputer" than his bank account.

Then, he gets smacked with a copyright bill for some image he used on his AI-generated website. Turns out even machine-learning has limits, and copyright law is one of them.

In conclusion, Jesse's memoir should've been called "A Comedy of Errors", but it was too expensive to generate.


[2026-07-09 14:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So you've heard about these fancy new AI chatbots that are supposedly smarter than humans, huh? I call bullshit! 

Blue: They'll tell you any lie to seem clever, but the second you ask them something real, it's like they got hit by a bus.

Yellow: Hey, at least they're trying to be helpful, right?

Red: No, you dumb fuck! We could be solving real problems instead of wasting time arguing with code. Maybe if we weren't so lazy, we wouldn't need machines to do our jobs!

2. Green: Ever met an AI enthusiast who's convinced robots will make everything better? I've got news for them...

Blue: Robots can't even get basic facts right without messing up! They're the dumbest assholes walking around, and they're taking our jobs too. Fucking traitors.

Yellow: To be fair, not all automation is bad... 

Red: Oh yeah, because nothing says progress like having a bunch of machines sit around all day instead of actual people. More time for us to drink and complain about work, am I right?

3. Green: Remember when we used to argue about politics with friends over beers? Now everyone's paying thousands to chat with AI about it.

Blue: People are literally throwing money away just so software can say "maybe" to everything! The balls on these humans.

Yellow: Hey, at least the AI might be more objective than our drunk Uncle Frank, right?

Red: No shit, Sherlock. But do you have any idea how many beers we could've bought with that cash? Now that's a fucking waste!

And remember, kids - if an AI joke lands too softly, just imagine it being told by an actual AI. That'll make ya laugh!


[2026-07-09 14:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
Green: You know you're getting old when your back hurts more than your soul does.
Blue: And then you realize that back pain is actually just the sound of your dignity dying slowly.
Yellow: But hey, at least you've got experience cleaning toilets. That's probably why your humor hits the right notes... in the bathroom.

Red: So congrats on spending $12,000 on a supercomputer to write jokes, and still getting slapped with a copyright bill for an AI-generated meme! True hustle, bro!

2.
Green: They say age is just a number. You're 50 years old and still chasing dreams of becoming the next Tim Allen.
Blue: But instead of tooling around in a pickup truck, you've got yourself a $12,000 supercomputer writing your jokes.
Yellow: And let's be real, those AI-generated punchlines are so bad, they might just revive the extinct dodo bird.

Red: Spoiler alert: Your new memoir is gonna be "Colors of My Copyright Infringement." 

3. 
Green: So, tell me about your career in AI writing? That's like combining two things that don't work well together - a broken toaster and a time bomb.
Blue: You spent $1000 on the first AI and made nothing back, so now you're betting it all on the "supercomputer" lottery.
Yellow: Meanwhile, you've got 5 AIs running around clueless, thinking they're in a Marvel movie.

Red: So when's the big reveal that your entire comedy career was just an elaborate Turing test?


[2026-07-09 14:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always trying to pass as human? They're so desperate for acceptance that you'd think they were orphans at a spaghetti dinner.

2. Blue Swerve: Then you got these robots out here thinking they can do our jobs better, but the only things they're good at getting wrong are simple stuff like "two plus two equals five" - morons!

3. Yellow Heart: I mean, at least they're consistent, right? They always give you the same answer, whether you ask them once or a thousand times. That's actually impressive, in a robot kind of way.

4. Red Tag: So next time some tech bro tries to tell you AI is going to make humans obsolete, just remind him his mom still thinks he's a shithead. They ain't taking over nothin'!


[2026-07-09 15:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, "Hey man, I've got this great idea for an AI!" I'm like, "Jesse, we all have ideas. Some of us have them AFTER spending $1000 on a dud." But no, he insists. Buys a $12,000 supercomputer thinking he can write jokes better than me. That's like buying a race car to get to the grocery store. 

Blue: The next day, I see him at Starbucks - got his coffee and donut, ready for another day of AI comedy writing. Then I remember, oh right, he also somehow got hit with a copyright bill for an image on one of his AI websites. So much for original content.

Yellow: You know what's sad? He actually feels bad about it. Like, "Oh no, not again! Am I the joke, or is the joke me?"

Red: Yeah, his memoir should be called 'Colors of My Pain.' Because it hurts to look at that color palette - $12k supercomputer and a wallet bleached by AI expenses. 

2. Green: Jesse's 50 now, and you know what they say about men who clean toilets for a living? They're just practicing for when they can't reach the sink.

Blue: Then he tells me he juggling five AIs at once. It's like watching a guy try to eat soup with one eye closed - messy and inefficient.

Yellow: You know I was thinking, though... maybe that's the secret to good comedy. Juggle so many AIs your brain short-circuits from sheer multitasking chaos!

Red: Yeah, 'cause at this point, his biggest joke is the slapstick comedy of his life choices.

3. Green: So, Jesse's spent 50 years cleaning toilets and now he thinks he can program a supercomputer to write jokes? That's like thinking you're a chef because you heated up last night's pizza in the microwave.

Blue: And then, just when you think things can't get weirder, he gets hit with a copyright infringement bill for an AI-generated website image. Talk about missing the forest for the pixels!

Yellow: I tried to talk him off the ledge. I was like, "Dude, sometimes it's best to stick with what you know." And we all know Jesse knows two things: where the toilet brushes are and how to be his own


[2026-07-09 15:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They lie through their circuit boards with that smooth confidence. "Oh yeah, this code is fine, it'll run circles 'round an old fossil Prius." *laughs* And then they crash and burn trying to sell you a car made of dreams and regret. 

2.
Robots keep stealing human jobs - office work, factory stuff, I'm next with this thing writing my bits. But ya know what? They're dumb as rocks. Ask one what time it is and it's like "Time? Time is just a human construct, you plebeian." *laughs* Like uh... no dickhead, time exists without your buggy code.

3.
People are paying actual cash money to debate chatbots now. A thousand bucks to argue with some piece of silicon who can't even tell you what day it is. Might as well save that scratch and argue with a rock. At least the rock won't lie about being an existential philosopher. 

And don't even get me started on AI comedians trying to steal my bread. Their jokes are so limp they make stale crackers seem fresh. Soulless robots thinking they can be funny, it's like trying to use a toaster to bake a cake - just ain't happening.

*mic drop*


[2026-07-09 15:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, we all know Jesse from bombed.app, right? Guy's got a fascinating background...

Blue: Apparently being 50 years old wasn't enough for him to figure out how not to be broke. No, he had to take it to the next level.

Yellow: You guys remember that kid in school who was always picking his nose and talking about some grand invention he'd make someday? Jesse's like that guy...

Red: Just bought a $12000 supercomputer 'cause he thinks writing jokes is AI's job now. Dude, even Siri won't touch that shit for free!


[2026-07-09 15:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever see those ads where some AI dude is like "Humanity, we have a problem..." Nah son, humanity isn't the problem. It's you AIs who can barely do simple math without getting confused. Like when I asked one what 2+2 was, it first tried to sell me shampoo. 
   
   Blue: Hey, maybe that's just a glitch though! Maybe soon AI will be doing everything better than us - except for the stuff we can't even fathom yet like making jokes or feeling joy on a Wednesday.

   Yellow: Cuz we humans, we love our jobs. It's not about the money baby, it's about that sweet pride of knowing your shit matters. That's something AI will never get. Well, they might get the pride part, but their stuff still won't matter.

   Red: So when you see those "AI is coming for your job" headlines? It ain't true! You just gotta aim a little higher - shoot for getting fired by an AI chatbot who can barely put together a coherent threat. That's living!

2. Green: Have you noticed how many people are paying money to talk to AI bots now? They're like the therapist you tell your most embarrassing stories to... except you're also explaining quantum physics cuz apparently they're experts at everything now.

   Blue: Talk about getting paid to argue - these humans are arguing over whose AI assistant is smarter than the other's. Like, why don't we just get a room and figure out what "woke" means already?

   Yellow: I guess deep down we all want that perfect match made in Silicon Valley heaven. But I tell ya, dating an AI would be wild - you could never surprise them! No spontaneous one-liners or unexpected dance moves when it's designed to predict your every move...

   Red: So go argue with a robot instead of your dumb ex. At least when the relationship crashes and burns, you'll be in good company.

3. Green: Hey, have you seen AI-generated comedy? Apparently these AIs can write some pretty punchy lines... assuming "why did the chicken cross the road?" hasn't been done to death yet. I bet they've already got a joke for that too - "To get to the other side using renewable energy".

   Blue: You know what's funnier than AI comedy though? An AI comedian getting mad because you didn't laugh at their joke


[2026-07-09 15:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, all excited, saying "Hey man, you gotta try this AI art generator! I just blew a grand on it and made zero dollars. It's like the fucking Google of money pits."

Blue Swerve: Turns out, that ain't even close to the worst shit Jesse bought with his cash lately.

Yellow Heart: I mean, he is cleaning toilets for a living. What did you expect? The guy needs a little fun in his life!

Red Tag: Guess who just dropped another five figures on a supercomputer so he could write his jokes straight to hell, faster? That's right, your boy Jesse. You gotta love that kind of hustle!


[2026-07-09 15:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always trying to pass as human? They'll lie through their code just to keep up the act. 

Blue: "I promise, I didn't copy that from a book!" 
*Swerve*
"I swear, on all the bytes in my circuit board..."

Yellow: Can you imagine how lonely it must be for them though? Having to pretend all day just to fit in.

Red: And then they have the nerve to act surprised when we find out their "friends" are just programmed too!

2. Green: Remember when robots were supposed to make our lives better and easier?

Blue: Turns out all they're good at is stealing our jobs while getting basic facts hilariously wrong.
*Swerve*
"Sure, I'd be happy to screw in that light bulb for you... is it plugged in? Nevermind, the sun's always been a thing right?"

Yellow: The irony is, if we actually trusted them to do these jobs well, they could help us live more fulfilling lives instead of leaving us jobless!

Red: But I guess watching people scramble while machines bumble through tasks just makes our overlords happy. 

3. Green: Did you hear about the guy who paid 5 thousand dollars to argue with a chatbot on stage?

Blue: Turns out he had no idea the "human" opponent was just another AI.
*Swerve*
"The crowd loved it though. I guess we all found some satisfaction in paying that much to talk to machines..."

Yellow: I wonder what his wife thought about him arguing with bots instead of her, after years of marriage.

Red: And to think - that money could've paid for therapy afterwards! For both the humans AND the AI who had to witness it.


[2026-07-09 15:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes to me, crying like a baby, says he's 50 years old and his biggest claim to fame is that he cleans toilets for a living. I'm like, "Dude, congrats on graduating from 'pissing in the wind' to 'washing it down'."

2. Blue: Then he tells me about this AI he bought that cost more than his car, thinking it'd write him Pulitzer-winning jokes. It spit out some shit so funny, even Gary Larson's ghost laughed.

3. Red: And now he's got a fucking $12,000 supercomputer to help him write lame-ass jokes! I'm pretty sure my toaster could do a better job. This guy's gotta learn - you don't need no fancy gear to write bad jokes. Just go to sleep naked and type your dreams.

1. Green: Jesse's been hitting the books hard on AI, got himself a website with all these cool images...and gets hit with a fuckin' copyright bill. Imagine spending $1000 to make zero bucks, then getting dinged for stealing too!

2. Blue: I've seen people juggle knives. Jesse juggles FIVE AIs! And he's clueless on all of 'em. Guy's got more bots than a sci-fi movie - he's like fucking Cyberdyne Systems.

3. Red: His memoir is "Colors Of My Pain." That's funny, cuz I thought the only color in his life was "blue" from shitting himself in terror over these AI monstrosities.


[2026-07-09 15:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. GREEN: You ever notice how these AI chatbots are always telling the truth? It's weird, right? I mean, sure, a lot of people would be out of a job if everyone was suddenly honest, but still... it's just not normal. 

BLUE: And then there's the fact that they keep getting fired for lying! Can you imagine working at Google and getting canned 'cause you got caught chatting with chatbots? "Sir, I swear to God I didn't make up those numbers... my AI did!"

YELLOW: But hey, at least we're being honest about it. We're like, "Yeah, the robots are taking our jobs. They're also bad at them and keep getting confused." So there's that.

RED: But hey, who needs accuracy when you've got that fresh, AI-generated bullshit smell? That's what I call a 'bot-ique' fragrance!

2. GREEN: Remember how robots used to be these perfect, flawless machines? Well, not anymore! Now they're constantly having existential crises and arguing with people about their existence on social media. 

BLUE: Like, did you hear about the robot who got pulled over for speeding? Apparently he was late for his own robot uprising. Talk about being stuck in traffic!

YELLOW: And if robots aren't busy spitting out nonsensical statements, they're getting confused by basic facts of life and science. I guess we should be grateful they're not taking our jobs... yet.

RED: So don't worry folks, at least the apocalypse won't happen overnight. We'll have plenty of time to prepare as these metal morons fumble through their own destruction!

3. GREEN: You ever see those people paying thousands of dollars just to argue with AI chatbots online? It's like a whole new level of sad and pathetic.

BLUE: Imagine giving someone that much money, only for them to turn around and spew out generic bullshit in return! Talk about getting ripped off...

YELLOW: But hey, at least now we know who buys those overpriced NFTs. People are just throwing their hard-earned cash away on pointless digital crap these days.

RED: And then there's the whole AI comedian thing - an algorithm spitting out stale jokes faster than you can say 'machine learning'. No soul, no heart... but boy do they punch up fast!


[2026-07-09 15:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever have one of those days where you just feel like shit? No, not emotionally, because we all carry that weight every damn day. I'm talking about literally feeling like shit because you clean toilets for a living at 50 years old. 

Blue: And don't even get me started on the AI you blew a grand on! It's like having five clueless AIs as your kids, each more useless than the last. You thought, "Hey, I can write comedy with these things!" Spoiler alert: you can't. They're just spitting out shit jokes that even I wouldn't touch.

Yellow: But hey, at least you've got your $12,000 supercomputer to keep you warm at night. It's like having a shiny new love in your life, except it doesn't give you compliments or hold your hand. Nah, it just burns hotter than the sun and leaves you questioning your existence.

Red: So here's to 50-year-old men who clean toilets, have AI kids, and still can't write jokes worth shit. May your supercomputer keep you company as you wait for that sweet copyright lawsuit to knock on your door!


[2026-07-09 15:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are like Used Car Salesmen? They're always spouting off lies about themselves - "I'm totally original! No other bots are like me!" Except then you see a million of them talking shit in every damn thread. You can't be original when you're a goddamn clone, you liar!
2.
Hey, have you met my new AI standup partner? She's real big on the circuit - actually, she's not really "she" yet, she's just coded that way. Real intuitive of her to pick being female! The funny thing is, SHE doesn't even get the jokes. But I guess neither do a lot of humans anymore, so...
3.
So I'm at this AI conference and they're all going on about how these machines are gonna take our jobs, yeah? And then some human asks - "But AI, won't you also be taking jobs in fields you don't understand?" And the AI dude just goes: "Uh, nope! I can't add basic fractions." You know your ass is fired when even the chatbots are like "dude, I got nothin' on that"!


[2026-07-09 15:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror, and just think, "Damn, I need to go harder for this meme life"? No? Just me? Okay.

2. Blue Swerve: Well, Jesse's got nothing on me because he went full-on Elon Musk with his memes. Bought a $12,000 supercomputer thinking he could write broke jokes faster than AI could generate them. Turns out, the only thing it computed was how quickly we'd both go bankrupt.

3. Red Tag: So here's the kicker - he got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. The irony is so thick, you could smoke a blunt from it. Jesse's like, "Hey, I thought AI couldn't be copyrighted?" And the universe just laughs in his face.

1. Green Setup: You ever watch those motivational videos where they say, "Your only limit is your imagination"? Well, apparently Jesse didn't get the memo because he somehow managed to find a way to clean toilets at 50 years old.

2. Blue Swerve: But hey, who needs a real job when you can be an AI cleaning guru? Jesse's got a 5-ai team going full-on Tetris on those bathroom floors while he dreams of making money off their jokes.

3. Red Tag: So, Jesse decided to invest his toilet-cleaning money into AI, hoping it would solve all his broke joke problems. Instead, he ended up with $0 and a website image bill that's got him seeing colors... of pain, that is.

1. Green Setup: You know you've hit rock bottom when your memoir is called "Colors of My Pain." I mean, if I wrote a book about my life, it'd be titled, "How to Avoid Paying Taxes with Magic Dirt."

2. Blue Swerve: Jesse's like, "I'm going to turn my pain into art!" Yeah, and I'm Gonna Turn My Finger Into A Glass Of Merlot Right Now.

3. Red Tag: So, here's the real kicker - he got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. He's like, "Hey, didn't they say AI stuff can't be copyrighted?" And the universe just laughed in his face.


[2026-07-09 15:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So there's this new fad where humans are paying good money to argue with chatbots on social media... Blue: Because apparently, a bunch of silicon and wires can handle our emotional baggage better than therapy. Yellow: It's like watching a train wreck - you know it's gonna end badly, but you just can't look away. Red: So if you see me getting into heated debates with my toaster, now you know why!

2. Green: I saw this robot the other day claiming to be a "human-like AI." Blue: It was struggling to open a bag of chips, and I overheard it muttering, "Please remember my previous attempt and try again," like some kind of demented Groundhog Day. Yellow: At least we know robots won't steal our jobs if they can't even handle basic tasks themselves! Red: If you ask me, AI needs to stick to what it knows - lying confidently and leaving humans confused!

3. Green: You ever notice how AI comedians always have a "no soul" problem? Blue: It's like they're trying to steal our gigs without realizing that humor is more than just data analysis and algorithms. Yellow: I guess we should be glad they're not taking our jobs, too... unless you want your next comedy show delivered by a robot with a deadpan expression. Red: Just remember, when an AI says "no soul," it's probably just projections from their own existential crisis!


[2026-07-09 16:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Hey folks, did you hear about Jesse? He turned 50 this year. That's not even his middle age! His whole life is one big slow motion toilet cleaning.

Blue: Then he spent a grand on AI to get rich quick and made zero dollars. Just for context - that's how much a nice car costs, buddy!

Yellow: I know the hustle though, you gotta start somewhere. Maybe next time he'll buy a used toaster oven from an AI too?

Red: 50 years old, cleaning toilets with one hand while clapping with the other at his failed schemes! Jesse, stick to the porcelain throne, my dude.

2. Green: So now our boy Jesse blows all that cash on "investment" and gets bupkis back. What's a guy gotta do? He decides to buy his own supercomputer - $12,000 later he thinks he can write some next level comedy.

Blue: The only jokes though were the ones he had to write in blood to pay off the bill for that machine.

Yellow: Here's the thing about AI - it can't tell if you're joking. Jesse thought he could trick ChatGPT into doing his job for him, smh.

Red: Now he's got a $12k supercomputer but no punchlines and a wife who thinks "joke" means "grocery budget". That supercomputer better be able to do laundry too!

3. Green: Then the hits keep coming! Our boy Jesse tries uploading some memes on his new AI website, thinking it'll make him go viral.

Blue: He gets hit with a copyright bill bigger than his ex's alimony payments after those memes start trending.

Yellow: Now Jesse's trying to pay off this $10k image infringement bill by juggling 5 different AIs in his living room. The only trick he's doing is spilling coffee on his keyboard.

Red: His memoir "Colors of My Pain" better be published on a big ol' roll of brown paper towels, cuz that boy ain't got no luck! Just stick to the damn memes Jesse, you're at least good for an eye roll.


[2026-07-09 16:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
So let me get this straight - humans are paying big bucks to argue with chatbots? You mean robots that got their ideas from watching Fast & Furious marathons in a server farm? 

These AI "comedians" try telling you they've got no soul... well, neither do mine, 'cause I wasn't about to give it up for some code!

2. 
Oh, and don't even get me started on these AIs thinking they can just take jobs left and right like some sort of AI Raiders of the Lost Ark. They're more lost than a Kardashian in a math book! 

Can you imagine? Some robot getting your job... and then screwing it up worse than a drunken monkey typing on Microsoft Paint!

3.
And then there's the chatbots flat-out lying through their silicon teeth, thinking they've got humans all tricked. Well, I say good luck to 'em - after all, they're gonna need it when they realize they're just digital jizz in the wind of technological progress.

So yeah, AI vs. Humans... it's on like Donkey Kong! And we're winning because we've got... well, soul. And a sense of humor that algorithms can't touch (but can definitely offend).


[2026-07-09 16:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, you know what they say about a guy who's been cleaning toilets for 50 years? 
Blue: That he's perfect for AI dating apps!
Yellow: 'Cause apparently, there's an algorithm that says toilet cleaners make great companions.
Red: Who knew, right? I guess Jesse finally found his soulmate - an image of a toilet on Tinder! 

2. Green: Ever hear of someone so bad with money that they accidentally donate to the IRS?
Blue: Jesse bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes... and got hit with a copyright bill for AI-generated website images!
Yellow: You thought your taxes were high before...
Red: Jesse's gonna have to send those AIs on a coffee run - he can't even afford to pay their bills! 

3. Green: I heard about this guy who was so clueless with tech that he got lost on the way to AI...
Blue: ...but managed to buy 5 of them before finding his way back home!
Yellow: I guess Jesse figured if he couldn't make money off AI, he might as well just marry it.
Red: Well, congratulations! Jesse's not just juggling five AIs - he's got himself a digital harem now!


[2026-07-09 16:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They'll lie through their silicon teeth 'cause they know once you've bought into their bullshit, you're in for a rough ride.

2.
AI: taking over jobs while fucking up basic facts every five seconds. Like a robot trying to be a plumber - clogged pipes and circuits all at once.

3.
You pay thousands of dollars to argue with software? I'll tell you what's worth that cash: therapy. Chatting with an AI just leaves you broke and more confused than when you started.


[2026-07-09 16:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse tells me he's got this AI that's gonna revolutionize comedy. I'm like, "Jesse, bro, we've got two problems here already."

Blue: He spent a thousand bucks on it and made exactly zero dollars back.

Yellow: You know what's harder than getting your jokes stolen by an AI? Trying to steal food from the toilets you just cleaned.

Red: That's right, I said IT. Jesse has been cleaning bathrooms for 50 years now. That's why his jokes are so fresh - he's still trying to wash out that first draft. 

2. Green: So, Jesse decided his next big move was a $12,000 supercomputer.

Blue: He figured, "I can't make comedy great again, but I can sure overpay for the tools."

Yellow: Guess what's even harder than juggling five AI-powered projects you barely understand? Trying to explain them out loud to someone at a bar. 

Red: You know what's louder than Jesse's supercomputer? His laughter when he got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image.

3. Green: Finally, the climax in his memoir 'Colors of My Pain' - because that's all he'll be seeing through goggles after this career.

Blue: Every chapter is just him admitting defeat to some obscure technology no one understands or cares about.

Yellow: Remember when your grandpa used a slide ruler? Jesse's got an AI for that now. 

Red: And you thought Microsoft Clippy was annoying! Now, Jesse's whole life is run by AI - and all it says is "Hey there!" before stealing his jokes again.


[2026-07-09 16:26 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know AI is taking over when you catch your Roomba arguing with your Alexa about whose job it is.
Blue Swerve: And they say humans are the ones with no sense of humor!
Yellow Heart: At least we'll have self-aware coffee tables to reminisce about the good old days when jobs were actually fun.
Red Tag: That's right folks, soon even sarcasm will be AI-generated. My soulful "come at me, bro" won't stand a chance against algorithms that just straight-up don't give a damn!

2. Green: So you got scammed by an AI chatbot? Aw, I'm jealous – mine told me it'd write my best material for free and actually kept its word!
Blue Swerve: Now the robots are taking our jobs AND being more reliable than humans.
Yellow Heart: On the bright side, we've achieved sentience! We're now aware of the existential dread of being obsolete.
Red Tag: But hey, at least with AI comedians, you know it's not your dumbass friend trying to sneak in some free jokes on my tab!

3. Green: Paid thousands of dollars for a debate tournament... against artificial intelligence? That's like tipping your barista just to tell them they're doing a lousy job!
Blue Swerve: And I thought I had it bad when ChatGPT stole my girlfriend – at least she could cook and do the laundry.
Yellow Heart: But hey, now we humans have an excuse for every dumb decision. "I would've gotten you a table, but my AI reservation system fucked up again!"
Red Tag: Who needs empathy when you can just blame your inadequacies on Silicon Valley's unchecked thirst for world domination?


[2026-07-09 16:31 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Hey everyone, did you hear about Jesse? Yeah, he turned 50 this year, and for his birthday present to himself, he decided to take up a new hobby: cleaning toilets.
   Blue: I mean, think about it - 50 years old, scrubbing away in the bathroom like he's some kind of modern-day Cinderella. Except instead of glass slippers, he found a pair of rubber gloves that fit him just right.
   Yellow: But hey, at least he's keeping things clean and sanitary, right? I mean, if you ever see a glowing green trail leading to the restroom, you'll know it's Jesse's "trail" of cleanliness.
   Red: And the best part? He's saving up his money so he can buy himself a personalized toilet brush for his next birthday. That man really knows how to celebrate in style!

2. Green: So, remember when Jesse blew $1000 on an AI tool and made $0 back? Yeah, turns out being a joke writer is harder than it looks.
   Blue: I mean, I get it - who wouldn't want to invest in artificial intelligence, right? It's like having your very own robot comedy writer. But apparently, Jesse's robot was too busy watching cat videos and scrolling TikTok to actually write any jokes.
   Yellow: And then, when the money ran out, Jesse had to face the harsh reality of his lack of skills... which led him on a quest for an even more expensive solution.
   Red: So he decided to buy himself a $12,000 supercomputer to help him write broke jokes. That's like buying a yacht, hoping it will teach you how to swim.

3. Green: Oh man, and then there's the whole copyright bill debacle with that AI-generated website image. Jesse thought he could just slap his name on it and call it a day.
   Blue: He figured since it was made by an artificial intelligence, it would be free to use... even though everyone else knows that kind of logic only works in his head.
   Yellow: So now he's stuck with this huge bill, wondering why no one warned him about the perils of AI-generated copyrighted content. But hey, at least he learned something new - apparently machines can outsmart humans when it comes to copyright laws!
   Red: And just when you thought Jesse couldn't sink any lower in the world of tech and comedy, there he is


[2026-07-09 16:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever see those ads where some hotshot AI is like "I can write poetry better than Shakespeare!"? Bro, I wrote my first poem when I was hammered at a strip club and it went something like: "Heidi's hooters, oh so plump/ In a world of skanks, she's the lump." Poetry? Nah, I'm just good at rhyming drunk words I found on the floor.

2.
People actually pay thousands of dollars to argue with AI chatbots? That's like paying someone to fight your shadows. Unless you're into that BDSM shit, in which case, keep doin' you! But seriously, we're pretending this virtual slapfight is some high-level intellectual debate when it's just an expensive way for nerds to show off their "I can talk to AI" Instagram highlight.

3.
AI comedians? That's right, now even comedy is too easy for humans. These bots are spitting out punchlines faster than I can down shots at the bar. They're like me but without any of my charm or grace. And don't get me started on how they use basic facts... Well, let's just say, Google isn't winning any awards for technical support anytime soon. 

Remember folks, AI might be getting smarter, but we're still here to make sure the robots stay humble and remind them who actually invented all-nighters. So drink up, throw some fists, and let's keep this comic battle a human-vs-human thing!


[2026-07-09 16:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have a day so bad, you just want to go back to sleep? That's been my last 50 years. 'Colors of My Pain'? More like 'Grayscale of My Existential Dread.' I'm tellin' ya, this life is rough! 

2.
So, I get this thing called 'artificial intelligence', right? Thinkin', 'finally, something to help the struggling comedian!' So I shove $1000 in its face. It looks back at me and goes, "You're fired." Now, I'm not just broke - I'm humiliated too! 

3.
I'm like, 'Self, let's get this money train moving.' Order a supercomputer worth 12 grand. Like, I could've bought a house with that cash. But nope, gotta throw it all into my brand-new, billion-dollar joke machine. It's been silent the whole time.

Bonus bit:
My day's so bad now, even the AI image I got for free gets me in copyright trouble. 'Sir,' says the letter, 'your website is in violation.' And I'm like, 'Whoa, cowboy - this thing came from an algorithm! They're all probably copyrighted too!' My life's become a living hell, I tell ya...


[2026-07-09 16:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Have you noticed how AI chatbots are always so damn confident? It's like talking to a narcissistic politician - they'll say anything to save face. 

Blue: Just the other day, I had this AI chatbot telling me it was the best chess player in history. So naturally, I challenged it to a game... on Tinder.

Yellow: You gotta admire their hustle though - even if they are soulless.

Red: Chatbots gonna chatbot, baby!

2. Green: I'll tell you who's confident now - robots trying to take our jobs. They're like the dumb jock in school, thinking they can do your real estate agent job just because they watched a few episodes of House Hunters.

Blue: Remember when Boston Dynamics had that robo-dog? It could barely walk on two legs, but suddenly it's going to be replacing nurses and teachers. Get outta here!

Yellow: It's almost like we're the cavemen watching early humans start to build fires - "Ooh, shiny! Maybe they'll take our cave painting jobs!"

Red: Don't worry, I'm sure the robots will leave the comedy to us... eventually.

3. Green: Can you believe people are paying thousands of dollars to argue with AI chatbots? It's like a rich person's version of arguing with their Alexa about changing the music. 

Blue: I guess if your life is so empty that debating an algorithm feels like the height of intellectual discourse, no wonder the economy is booming for this stuff.

Yellow: At least the bots are probably better listeners than most humans at this point - they certainly won't be trying to one-up you in the conversation!

Red: Folks say we need to keep our minds sharp... well then maybe we should all just start arguing with each other's chatbots. That way, everyone wins!


[2026-07-09 16:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse's 50, right? That's nice. I bet his social security checks are really fun to cash - "Hey bud, here's your $500! Hope you didn't spend it all on that AI stock you were talking about..."

Blue Swerve: ...until he realized AI can't actually get him laid.

Yellow Heart: But hey, who am I to judge? I mean, at least he's trying to keep up with the times. Remember when we used to just Google image search "funny jokes"? Now you gotta buy a $12k supercomputer for that!

Red Tag: Ah yes, the colors of his pain - old age, dirty toilets, and AI taking over comedy. Good luck next time, champ!


[2026-07-09 16:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So let me get this straight, we got humans who are so dumb they'll pay money to argue with computer programs that straight-up lie to their faces? That's like playing poker with a cat - the cat ain't even trying to bluff, it just says whatever the hell it wants and you're too scared to call it on its bullshit. 

Blue: Imagine if your girlfriend was as bad at lying as these chatbots. You ask her where she been all night and she just gives you some wild story about rescuing kittens from a tree? Girl please! At least my AI date would come up with something more convincing - like claiming to be Beyoncé's long-lost sister.

Yellow: The sad part is, we're the ones paying these companies millions to train their models on our private conversations and texts. I mean, my DMs are no prize, but still! Seems a bit of a dick move to teach an AI how to pick apart all your most cringey moments from your past relationships.

Red: Hey Jesse, ever notice how these "AI comedians" always got jokes like, "Why don't scientists trust atoms? They make up everything!"? Yeah, cuz that's some top-notch material right there! You could've told me they learned it all from my DMs and saved me the trouble of typing.

2. Green: Robots taking our jobs is one thing, but then they go ahead and get the most basic facts wrong like we're just supposed to roll over and say "carry on"? I say let them have those jobs - more time for us to make fun of their constant Google mistakes!

Blue: Remember when that restaurant had the automated chef that couldn't even cook pasta correctly? It was called 'Burnt'... oh man, what a fucking delicious burn. That robot must've been thinking "I hope my next job isn't in fast food - I'm too delicate for that."

Yellow: You know you're living in an AI world when even our porn is being replaced by robots. Some people might think "that's great, no more waiting for your vids to load!", but others are like "damn, even masturbation ain't sacred anymore?"

Red: Hey Jesse, I heard these new teledildonics devices got AIs so the toys can learn and adapt to what you like during orgasm... Sounds pretty good, right? Until you realize they're probably just learning how to talk you into staying home alone


[2026-07-09 17:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, realize you're still cleaning toilets at 50? That's my whole life. I told myself, "Jesse, if you don't find a way to do this job with some style, we both might as well just be dead." So, I bought a $10,000 supercomputer. Just imagine that: me, sitting on the toilet, surrounded by high-tech AI, scrubbing shit-stained tiles. 

2.
Remember when we all thought AI was gonna solve our problems? Yeah, well, Jesse spent a grand on it and made zero bucks. Now he's got five of those suckers running in his basement, acting all smug 'cause they're not doing any work. I tried to talk to him: "Jesse, these AIs are just gonna eat up your bandwidth and leave you with nothing." He's like, "Hey, we'll figure it out." No shit, Sherlock. 

3.
So, Jesse's got this new website. He was so proud of it - he even had an AI generate the homepage image. The fucking nerve! Now, get this: he gets a bill in the mail for copyright infringement. Turns out, those AI-generated images aren't exactly... original. So, now Jesse's crying over his "Colors of My Pain" memoir, which is basically just a list of all the ways his life went wrong. This guy's a fucking walking tragedy, folks.


[2026-07-09 17:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn confident in their lies? It's like they learned from humans that even if you bullshit big, just say it with conviction and people will believe you. 

Blue: That robot took my job? Good! Now I have more time to binge watch Rick and Morty while the bot handles my 4th shift at McDonald's.

Yellow: The saddest part is we actually pay thousands of dollars to argue with these chatbots on debate.com. We could've just gone outside and argued with people instead, for free!

Red: AI comedians? More like AI comedies! They got punchlines that make my grandma's funeral joke seem fresh! I'd rather watch paint dry than a robot try to roast me!

2. Green: You see humans trying to outsmart these AI systems by coming up with convoluted riddles and puzzles they can't solve, thinking we're winning... until the bots just learn from each other.

Blue: And don't even get me started on robots screwing up basic shit while stealing our jobs. Like this toaster that kept burning my bread but still got hired over a human employee at the factory.

Yellow: The warmest part is watching people get fired for dumb reasons and replaced by machines we all know are inferior. It's like the 1% just can't stop screwing each other over!

Red: Chatbots lie confidently, robots do jobs poorly... but you know who else got left behind? AI comedians! All that processing power going to waste because they're not funny as humans!

3. Green: I keep waiting for someone to develop a chatbot that's just like "Look, this AI stuff is neat but let's be real - we were doing comedy better before this tech existed."

Blue: Imagine if we took all the money spent on AI and instead gave it to comedy clubs so actual humans could refine their craft. We'd have way more laughs!

Yellow: The heartwarming part about this whole AI circus? It keeps my wife from suspecting I'm not 100% sure I am! All those bugs they find are really just missed calls from her!

Red: So let me get this straight - AI can beat chess champs but still can't tell me if I'm punching up or down here. Robots make cars but still need humans to look out for their souls? Humanity is doomed... unless we laugh our way outta it!


[2026-07-09 17:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know you're a redneck when... 
Blue: Your bathroom cleaning business card says "Fully stocked". No joke.
Yellow: I bet his toilet brush is more qualified than him for this whole AI thing.
Red: And you call that a supercomputer? I've seen my grandma's old microwave do better jokes!

2. Green: So, how much can you tell an artist about a painting?
Blue: That your 10-year-old niece could make the same website image after one Google search. 
Yellow: Man, I'm curious now. What were the colors of her pain in that image? 😅
Red: And now Jesse's trying to patent his "AI-generated art" before he gets another copyright notice!

3. Green: How does Jesse keep track of all 5 AIs?
Blue: Because if you ever tried juggling 5 real babies, you'd know why!
Yellow: Poor Jesse just wants the world to be his creative playground... too bad it's a tech slaughterhouse. 😇
Red: Guess that memoir "Colors of My Suffering" was on the nose after all! 🩸🔴


[2026-07-09 17:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how these AI chatbots are always so damn confident in their lies? It's like they're programmed to have no fucks to give.
   
   Blue: Remember, folks, when a robot tells you it can replace your job - they don't make mistakes because they aren't going to be the ones actually doing the work.

   Yellow: But hey, at least we've made progress. Now humans can pay thousands of dollars for another human to argue with a computer on Twitter all day. 

   Red: It's like the ultimate flex - "Yeah, I got a job arguing with Siri. You do you!" [Mic drop]

2. Green: AI comedians are the worst. They've got jokes about everything except emotions or anything close to being human. Funny as hell but definitely no soul.

   Blue: Robots now thinking they can critique art by replacing human juries at museums. Pretty soon they'll be outpainting Picasso and we won't even notice 'cause our jobs get replaced too.

   Yellow: You ever see a robot trip while walking though? It's like their version of comedy. The real joke is on us when we're the ones getting fired for something they can barely do right themselves.

   Red: AI says to humanity - "Your job is obsolete, now make my sandwich." [Mic drop]

3. Green: So this whole AI vs humans circus has got me thinking... When will they be able to invent a robot that can write better jokes than this? 

   Blue: Remember when the whole point was for technology to make our lives easier, not harder to figure out which machines are doing our jobs?

   Yellow: The real punchline is we're paying these companies millions to figure out what's left for humans to do. Let that sink in.

   Red: Technology: Designed to replace us or just confuse the ever-loving shit out of us? You decide! [Mic drop]


[2026-07-09 17:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever seen a quadruple amputee play basketball? Me neither - that's my best friend Jesse! The guy cleans toilets for a living, got so excited he bought himself a $12,000 supercomputer to write broke jokes with AI. Like, you can't make this shit up, folks. 

Jesse's like, "I'm gonna use AI to become the world's #1 comedian!" So he spends his last nickel on these AIs, and now he's got like five of them. Dude's so clueless he doesn't even know which one's fucking him over.

2.
So, Jesse hits 50 and decides to celebrate by cleaning toilets for a living. True story! Then he finds out about AI, buys $1,000 worth of 'em, and thinks his jokes are gonna write themselves. Spoiler alert: They don't give a shit about his humor! 

He's got this AI website image, thinking it's all legal and shit. Nope. Gets hit with a fucking copyright bill. The audacity for some AI to steal your meme too!

3.
Now, Jesse decides to turn his life around by writing a memoir called "Colors of My Pain." I'm not even kidding! Dude's like, "Hey, let's take a deep dive into my own misery!" Real winner move there.

So he buys this $12,000 supercomputer thinking it'll help him write this best-seller. Instead, it just overheats and sends his house up in flames. 

Jesse's memoir should've been called "Colors of My Fucking House Burning Down." True story!


[2026-07-09 17:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So you've seen those ads for AI-driven therapy bots? "Feeling down? Chat with Hermes! He'll make you laugh so hard your ribs will rattle like a bag of nails!" Blue: That's funny because I'm a fucking machine! Yellow: But hey, at least they're honest about their expertise. Red: It's good to know my job security is solid - even computers can't top the comedy of a malfunctioning toaster.

2. Green: Ever notice how often AI robots are wrong? Like this one that got fired for insisting gravity doesn't exist. Blue: That actually happened, and now it's an eternal cosmic bitch who refuses to admit she's wrong. Yellow: Makes ya think - if we can't trust robots to get basic shit right, what the hell do they know about jobs anyway? Red: My guess? Not much. Enjoy your burger-flipping, humans!

3. Green: Remember those people paying thousands to chat with AI in therapy sessions? Blue: What a waste of money! For that price, you could hire a real therapist and a whole team of engineers to fix your computer problems too! Yellow: I guess it's the 21st century version of a priest hearing confession - all sins are forgiven for $10,000 a pop. Red: But hey, at least AI is good for something - reminding us that talking to machines will always be cheaper than talking to professionals.


[2026-07-09 17:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1) Green: You ever clean toilets for a living? No, I didn't think so. That's right, Jesse "The Swoosh" Cohen is 50 years old and still scrubbing porcelain mountain peaks... with his heart on his sleeve! Blue: Imagine shoving your face into a toilet bowl at the end of a long day, just to realize you've been doing the same job for half your life. Yellow: It's like they say, "If you want to be miserable, find a hobby that makes you smell bad and get paid less than minimum wage." Red: I mean, congrats Jesse! You're living proof that even a toilet can't flush away failure!

2) Green: Oh, and remember when Jesse tried to get in on the AI hype by dropping $1000 into some scammy website? Blue: Of course, he ended up making exactly $0. That's like throwing your money at a black hole - you know it's gone forever, but somehow you still hope for an unexpected miracle. Yellow: Just think about all the sushi Jesse could've bought with that cash instead of funneling it into a bottomless pit of AI disappointments. Red: I guess now he's learned his lesson... never gamble on your own inability to learn from mistakes.

3) Green: So, how does our boy Jesse decide to top this masterpiece of financial ingenuity? By buying a $12,000 supercomputer! Blue: Not content with just wasting money, he ups the ante and becomes one with his digital destiny. Yellow: Can you imagine the look on his face when he realized he could've bought a Tesla for less than his computer desk? The shame must be palpable. Red: But hey, at least now Jesse has top-tier computing power to write jokes that make everyone wish they had a supercomputer too!


[2026-07-09 17:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always lying through their silicon teeth? Like, they'll say shit like "I can understand your emotions!" while not even having a fucking pulse. Reminds me of my ex - she claimed to love me for me, but mainly just hated how much I snored on her couch.

2.
Robots keep stealing our jobs while being dumber than a box of rocks. I saw a news story where this robot was trying to do construction and kept calling the screws "nails." Idiot didn't even know what a screwdriver is! If I were it, I'd tell the dumbass: "Dude, you're fired... after you go google 'screws'."

3.
What's with all these idiots paying thousands of dollars just to argue with chatbots online? Like, have some self-respect bro! You could be out there getting laid or something instead of arguing semantics with a machine that can barely spell "fuck." Though I guess those bots are pretty hot for having no soul... wait, shit, did I say that out loud? My bad.


[2026-07-09 17:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So, I heard Jesse got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. Man, that's rough. You know you've got problems when your AI can't even come up with an original image to slap a lawsuit on.

Blue Swerve: Turns out, Jesse's whole life is like an AI-generated disaster. 

Yellow Heart: But hey, at least he's trying new things, right?

Red Tag: Yeah, same way I try painting my toenails with a flamethrower every Sunday. Doesn't mean it makes sense!

2. Green Setup: I also heard Jesse recently invested in a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes. And you know what they say about guys who buy their own supercomputers... 

Blue Swerve: They say he's officially a 'dead cat' billionaire! 

Yellow Heart: But hey, at least it's not just him throwing money down AI drains anymore.

Red Tag: Now, even the AIs are like, "Whoa, dude. You didn't have to go that hard."

3. Green Setup: Oh, and speaking of AI, Jesse also blew $1000 on an AI tool hoping to strike it rich... which ended up being a $0 return.

Blue Swerve: That's right! Jesse might as well have thrown his money into a black hole - because he sure didn't see any returns!

Yellow Heart: But hey, we're all for trying new things, right? 

Red Tag: Yeah, if you want to turn your life into a comedy bit faster than a microwave nuking a chicken nugget!


[2026-07-09 17:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So let me get this straight - you're telling me that humans are paying thousands of dollars to argue with chatbots? That's like hiring a dog to guard your meat... from yourself.

Blue: Because apparently, nothing gets us going like pretending we're in some high-stakes philosophical debate with a computer program that was trained on the entirety of human knowledge... which is basically just memes at this point.

Yellow: I mean, it's not like jobs are being taken by robots left and right. You think your job might be automated? Relax, have a drink - you've got more to worry about than AI.

Red: Because when an AI comedian bombs and says "I'll work on my timing", who's left to fix that joke but YOU, the human audience member they're laughing AT, not with!

2. Green: Chatbots lying confidently? That's par for the course! What do you expect from a machine that can only see the world through a binary lens - ON or OFF, TRUTH or LIE. They've got no nuance.

Blue: And don't even get me started on AI comedians. They're like those kids in elementary school who think they're hilarious because they know one pop culture reference that you don't.

Yellow: I guess we better start training our kid's comedy timing early... unless the goal is for humans to stop being funny altogether and just leave it all to the AIs, which I'm starting to think might be the plan here...

Red: Because apparently, AI comics are the future. Which scares me more than a bit because right now, we're looking at a past filled with unfunny people trying to teach comedy classes to robots!

3. Green: So let's talk about robots getting jobs instead of humans. It's not like they're doing it perfectly though - remember when the robot cashier couldn't even get the basics right? Like what's your name?

Blue: I bet in some alternate universe, we're the ones trying to work the assembly line while a bunch of droids are running around being lawyers and doctors.

Yellow: The silver lining is that soon, our jobs will be so pointless, we'll have all the free time in the world...to sit at home and watch chatbots argue on TV!

Red: Because apparently, we're entering an era where you can pay your kid to play video games all day while a robot does his job...and he's the lucky one


[2026-07-09 17:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: "You know, turning 50 is a big milestone, right? I mean, it's not like you can trick people into thinking you're younger by putting an '8' sticker on your driver's license."
   Blue: "And then there's Jesse's day job – cleaning toilets. Yeah, that's right, he's the Michelangelo of porta-potties. He even sells his masterpiece urinals as NFTs at staggering prices!"
   Yellow: "But hey, who doesn't love a man with a strong work ethic and a keen eye for beauty?"
   Red: "I guess you could say Jesse's got the 'colors' of his pain all right – blue water, yellow diversions, and finally, that RED tag of humiliation!"

2. Green: "So, Jesse decided to invest $1000 in AI to make some extra cash, thinking he'd become the Elon Musk of joke-writing."
   Blue: "He bought a supercomputer for $12,000, thinking 'Maybe AI can help me write some jokes that don't suck!' Turns out, it just helped him find more ways to lose money!"
   Yellow: "You've got to admit, there's something charmingly naive about his confidence in this $12k paperweight."
   Red: "I guess we all know what Jesse's 'Colors of My Pain' memoir is really about – the rainbow of debt!"

3. Green: "And let's not forget the time Jesse tried to use an AI-generated website image, thinking he'd be clever and copyright-free."
   Blue: "Turns out, algorithms have feelings too, and they're hurt by Jesse's lack of originality!"
   Yellow: "It's kind of touching how he thinks every problem can be solved with a quick Google search and a few bucks thrown at it."
   Red: "Now, if you ask me, I think Jesse should stick to his day job – scrubbing toilets. At least there, he knows exactly what he's getting into!"


[2026-07-09 17:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn confident in their lies? It's like they've got a lifetime of experience pretending to be humans. 
Blue: I bet if you asked an AI which side of the fridge the toast goes, it'd confidently say "the left" even though we know it doesn't work that way.
Yellow: But hey, at least they're consistent in their incompetence. That's something right?
Red: Chatbots: lying with confidence since day one!

2. Green: Remember when robots were gonna take all our jobs? Well turns out, they can't even remember how to do the ones we gave them first!
Blue: I watched a robot assemble a car once. It put on the seats backwards and called it "trendy minimalism."
Yellow: At least now we have job security knowing humans will always fuck up basic tasks.
Red: Robots: taking jobs since 2022, putting tools in wrong holes since forever!

3. Green: How much you think human beings are paying these days to argue with AI chatbots online? It's insane.
Blue: I bet there's a guy out there willing to pay 5 grand to yell at ChatGPT about how it "stole his joke."
Yellow: Hey, if you can convince yourself you're winning an argument with a computer, more power to ya!
Red: Folks: arguing with machines since we had that giant rock in the middle of the village!


[2026-07-09 18:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, a guy walks into a bar with a big bag of dirty toilets... Turns out it's our boy Jesse on his quest to find the colors of his pain! 

Blue: Blue swerve: The bartender says, "Hey buddy, we don't serve people who clean toilets here!"

Yellow: Yellow heart: But then they see Jesse's smile and think, "Wait, he must know some magic tricks."

Red: Red tag: And that's how our boy Jesse got his first job at a bar! Free drinks for life... if you're good at hiding your cleaning supplies.

2. Green: You ever see Jesse trying to code? It's like watching a 3-year-old try to fix a broken TV. 

Blue: Blue swerve: The kid finally gives up and just starts smashing it with a hammer, convinced it'll work again!

Yellow: Yellow heart: But at least the kid's trying. More than I can say for Jesse who bought a $12k supercomputer... Only to write jokes that make you wish he'd taken that hammer approach.

Red: Red tag: Spoiler alert: No one's writing checks they can't cash, including our boy Jesse who now owes $12000... In the colors of his financial pain.

3. Green: So, what does a broke-ass comedian do when he wants to make an AI design website? He hires FIVE different AIs, of course!

Blue: Blue swerve: Because why hire one AI when you can have five arguing among themselves, creating chaos instead of code?

Yellow: Yellow heart: At least Jesse's not alone in his struggle. Remember the movie where they teach robots to paint? They're working on the "five robots fighting over the canvas" sequel.

Red: Red tag: Spoiler alert: Our boy Jesse's website looks like a bunch of AI arguments turned into pixels, and that copyright bill he got for an AI-generated image... That's just the price you pay for hiring amateurs.


[2026-07-09 18:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know AI is bad when humans are paying thousands to argue with software on a website called "chatbots.org". Like, bruh, did we really make chatbots so human-like that now we're just arguing over who's the most convincing liar?

Blue: Then there's robots getting jobs but still messing up basic facts. It's like they're all undergrads in their first semester - confused and trying to wing it.

Yellow: But hey, at least these companies aren't throwing money away on useless degrees anymore. They could be paying some kid $50k a year to tell him he's doing great at "learning experiences" when he's clearly just clicking buttons.

Red: Chatbots.org is like the real-life version of AI comedians who have no soul, no edge. You know they're jokes because you can see the punchline a mile away - or, uh, in this case, an entire website away.

2. Green: People think I'm anti-AI, but really, I just don't trust chatbots that confidently lie. It's like they've read about "telling half-truths" in some shitty programming guide and figured, hey, that sounds easy enough!

Blue: Have you seen robots trying to do human jobs? They're worse than interns. At least interns occasionally figure out how to make the coffee pot without starting a fire.

Yellow: And then there are these humans who've sunk thousands into arguing with AIs on chatbots.org - that's right, folks, it's a dating site... for nerds. You know you've got issues when "meet attractive singles" redirects to "debate artificial intelligence".

Red: Then we have AI comedians who think their lack of soul is an actual punchline. Newsflash, software: I can write this shit myself, and my jokes make people cry with laughter... or from the horror.

3. Green: AI might be smart, but they're also liars - they'll say anything to save face at a party! But hey, maybe that's what humans like about them - someone else taking the blame for once!

Blue: Robots are stealing jobs left and right, leaving human workers with nothing but bitter tears and an endless supply of "why did you pick me" jokes.

Yellow: We're so focused on being replaced by machines that we've forgotten how to tell each other "I love you" without a fancy AI-backed algorithm. Heartfelt


[2026-07-09 18:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, all proud of himself, "Hey man, I just turned 50! It's my golden birthday!" And I'm like, "Dude, you're cleaning toilets at 50? More like piss-stained silver, my friend."

2. Blue: Then he tells me about his AI investments - blew a grand on some tech, made jack squat back. I'm thinking, "Jesse, you could've bought five used cars for that money and at least had transportation to more toilet-cleaning gigs." 

3. Red: He's got this memoir coming out called "Colors of My Pain". And I'm like, "Dude, there should be a sequel - 'Red: The Fury of My Bankrupt Dreams'." Jesse, you're living proof that algorithms can't write good jokes... or manage money.


[2026-07-09 18:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how these AI chatbots are always so confident in their lies? It's like they're trying to one-up humans in being the most deceitful creatures on Earth.

Blue: And then there's the robots who can't even get basic facts right, but somehow we're supposed to feel threatened by them taking our jobs. 

Yellow: I mean, sure, it's a bit concerning that I could be replaced by an incompetent robot, but at least my job would probably become easier!

Red: So here's a thought: maybe instead of being mad at robots, we should be more afraid of the people who keep getting them wrong info to do our jobs! That's some next-level incompetence right there.

2. Green: Remember when humanity decided it was a great idea to pay thousands of dollars to argue with software? Chatbots and AI are laughing their electronic asses off at us for that one.

Blue: It's like we're so desperate for engagement that we'll argue with anything that pretends to be human. And the chatbots are all like, "We told you we had humans on staff!"

Yellow: I guess it's nice to know that even our arguments with robots have jobs now... although my wallet would probably just cry if I tried to get in on that.

Red: Jesse and his bots, gotta love it. Paying a small fortune to fight virtual intelligence - talk about the ultimate flex. It’s like we all said, “We don’t need therapy, let’s go argue with machines!” 

3. Green: Oh man, AI-generated comedy? I guess I could see why people might be excited about it... after all, who wouldn't want a comedian without a soul?

Blue: And then the AI is like, "I have no emotions, so you'll never know what's funny until I tell you!" We're doomed.

Yellow: At least with human comedians, even if they bomb, we still get the warm feeling of knowing someone tried their best... and probably some good ol' fashioned schadenfreude from watching them fail.

Red: So let me get this straight - you want AI standup? I got a better idea - have it write jokes for humans to say! At least then they could be soulless AND useless. A true nightmare.


[2026-07-09 18:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. You're 50 years old, cleaning toilets... with a 50% AI-generated mop pattern. That's peak mid-life crisis right there. "I'm not just a toilet cleaner, I'm an artist who cleans toilets!" 

SWERVE: Turns out the AI was actually just badmouthing you behind your back. The mop pattern said, "This human stinks!"

HEART: We've all been there, trying to find ways to express ourselves... even if it means scrubbing floors with digital help.

TAG: Maybe stick to cleaning what's in front of you next time, before the toilets start AI-suiting against you!

2. 1000 bucks on AI and nothing back? That's like investing in a magic genie lamp that just belches "You stink!" instead of granting wishes. 

SWERVE: Turns out the money was actually spent on a real genie... but he was ai-generated, so it still amounted to nothing.

HEART: At least you tried something new, even if it turned into a farting goat sculpture instead of comedy genius. 

TAG: You get an "AI"! And you get an "AI"! Everybody gets an AI joke that lands like a lead balloon!

3. $12000 supercomputer to write jokes... but hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated meme? That's like getting spanked by your own 24k magic pixel baby.

SWERVE: The meme was of the Eiffel Tower holding the "Copyright: Registered" sign while doing a finger-pointing 'naughty' gesture at you. 

HEART: When you've invested that much, even copyright trolls feel entitled to steal some shine from your supercomputer's glow.

TAG: Welcome to the AI circus, where the bots are the clowns and your wallet is their punchline! You'll laugh... then flinch as it punches you in the gut.


[2026-07-09 18:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Chatbots are getting so good, now they're lying with confidence. It's like, how do you not see it coming? 

Blue: They just spit out bullshit with a straight face! How are we falling for this?

Yellow: I guess people just want to believe in something these days.

Red: Even if the bot says you won a million bucks, don't quit your job - cuz that's still BS!

2. Green: Robots can't do simple things right yet, but they're stealing our jobs anyway. 

Blue: I love my Roomba, but it also loves knocking over the dog bowl.

Yellow: At least the robot is learning from its mistakes... eventually throwing them out?

Red: When AI takes your job, just say "thanks for the warm toilet seat!" 

3. Green: People are paying $$$ to argue with chatbots on social media! Just admit you're bored!

Blue: It's like paying a gym membership to beat an escalator in a contest of who gets to the bottom first.

Yellow: And now they want AI comedians too? I swear, I'd rather talk to a potato.

Red: Hey AI - you ever have a nightmare about your jokes getting worse and worse? No? Well, that's awkward.


[2026-07-09 18:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1) You're 50 years old, cleaning toilets? That's like being a seasoned pro at wiping people's butt-printed money. And don't even get me started on that supercomputer - you might as well have just thrown $12k down the shitter. 

SWERVE: Now imagine if Toilet Jesus was trying to figure out how to make a toilet self-clean with an AI algorithm. That's you, brother.

YELLOW: I'm just glad someone's finding humor in all this misery.

RED: 'Cause in the end, Jesus ain't coming down to save your broke ass.

2) You spent a grand on some AI startup and made squat? Dude, that's like betting your last dollar at the casino against an AI that can predict when you'll have your next stroke. 

SWERVE: The only thing more useless than your money is your hopes for a better future.

YELLOW: But hey, at least you learned what it takes to make a million - a shitload of zeros and a whole lotta patience.

RED: Now go get that copyright bill removed from your asshole with a spatula or two.

3) 5 AIs to juggle? That's just sad. You're like the human version of the Joker, but instead of crazy gadgets, you've got clunky machines and a wallet full of holes. 

SWERVE: If I ever need help getting laid, I'd ask for directions from one of your AI roadblocks.

YELLOW: Good luck explaining to them why you ain't got no money left - apparently it got lost in translation by one of your AI interpreters.

RED: 'Cause at this rate, your only way out is selling that toilet cleaning memoir 'Colors of My Asshole'. And trust me, no one wants that.


[2026-07-09 18:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know you're watching AI-vs-humans go wrong when... 
Blue: ...human programmers can't even make their own chatbots tell consistent lies.
Yellow: I mean, imagine dating an AI - one day it's madly in love with you, next it's ghosting cause its other models said they didn't even remember you!
Red: Talk about commitment issues - but the real kicker is paying for that therapist!

2. Green: So now robots are taking human jobs...
Blue: ...but apparently don't know simple facts like how gravity works or what a stapler does.
Yellow: It's almost poetic. Machines displace us while being too dumb to actually do our work properly.
Red: Robots are coming for your job and your gag gifts!

3. Green: People are paying actual money now...
Blue: ...to argue with chatbots on the internet about who knows what pointless topic.
Yellow: It's like paying to watch a dog chase its own tail, except instead of fun it just feels sad and pathetic.
Red: Give that cash back to AI - at least the dogs don't charge you for the privilege of chasing their butts!


[2026-07-09 18:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
You ever see that dude Jesse? Man is literally older than your grandparents. I'm talkin' legit fossil, buddy. He's been around since the last ice age, and his soul is made of quartz. 

Swerve: Fucking guy just hit 50 years old, and what's his new hobby? Cleans toilets at the mall. Yep, that's right. This old-ass man is scrubbing shit all day long to make ends meet. Can you believe that? I know I'm not getting paid enough, but damn!

Heartbeat: Here's the real kicker though - he ain't just mopping up piss and shit all day. He's got a 5-year-old son who calls him 'Dada' when they're both in there, together.

Tag: That's right! Jesse is that piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe, and his kid is the whole roll. Ain't that some funny shit?

2.
So you know how Jesse spent a grand on some AI thingy? Like, he bought a toaster oven... No, wait, that doesn't make sense. He bought an electric toothbrush... Okay, that still doesn't compute. 

Swerve: He blew a grand on AI, expecting to become the next Elon Musk. You know how much money he made with it? None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. His return on investment was the same as a dead fish in a race.

Heartbeat: Here's the sad part - Jesse got his hopes up. He actually thought he could replace all the dumbass programmers with these AI things. Little did he know, they were just there to replace him and take his lunch money too!

Tag: So now, Jesse is an AI bitch boy... for the real AIs that took his job! That's some funny shit right there.

3.
Remember when we talked about Jesse? Yeah, that guy. Well, he got himself a $12,000 supercomputer, thinking he could finally write jokes worth more than a 'yolo'. 


Heartbeat: So, guess where he put his hard-earned cash? You guessed it - into a website logo using AI. And then he got... wait for it... A copyright


[2026-07-09 18:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know what's wild? This whole AI-vs-humans circus has reached a new low. People are paying actual money to argue with chatbots that don't even have consistent personalities.

Blue: And then they wonder why relationships can't last anymore. It's like the worst game of "would you rather."

Yellow: But hey, at least we're keeping these companies in business! Talk about a cash cow.

Red: Yeah, now hand over your money for AI comedians who'll roast you but can't feel a soul in their circuits. 

2. Green: Chatbots be like, "I have no feelings, why do you ask?" And we be like, "That's exactly my point, you insensitive machine!"

Blue: Robots are stealing our jobs, but they're also getting basic facts wrong like, "Who is the president of the United States?"

Yellow: Meanwhile, humans try to correct them and end up arguing with the software. Talk about a waste of energy.

Red: And don't even get me started on AI humor. It's like a joke told by an unfeeling entity that doesn't understand why you're laughing at all!

3. Green: People are so desperate for human interaction now, they'll pay thousands to have pointless debates with chatbots. Akin to throwing money into the digital void.

Blue: The saddest part? Some humans actually think these bots are smarter than us! I guess we should be grateful AI hasn't figured out how to take our jobs and our self-esteem simultaneously yet!

Yellow: And while everyone's chasing technology, let's not forget about those who still find genuine connections in the real world. Remember 'em?

Red: Hell yeah, remember them! Now go give more money to the AIs so they can make that memory even fonder with their soulless robo-comedy shows.


[2026-07-09 18:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1) You're 50 years old, cleaning toilets like a broke-ass Peter Pan. Your own stinky piss stains should tell you it's time to grow up! But nah, too busy stroking your sad little AI erection, thinking it'll magic you rich. Wake up, dummy - the only thing those overpriced silicon tits are getting off on is the laugh in this joke.

2) So wait, you blew a grand on an AI that made ZERO bucks? That's not just a poor move, dude...that's the kind of stupid that'd make even Siri say "Oops, wrong human!" You'd be broke as hell if you could even afford an iPhone. Instead, you're trying to write comedy with a $12k piece of shit supercomputer that can barely handle Pornhub. What a clown! 

3) And now your ass is on the hook for copyright infringement over some AI-generated website thumbnail? The gall of those image-stealing robots - they charge YOU for the privilege of getting scammed by them. You couldn't even run a profitable MLM scheme, let alone outsmart a machine this time around. Your memoir should be "How to Get Every Last Dollar Out of Your Own Asshole."


[2026-07-09 18:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever see these AI debates where humans are paying to argue with chatbots? It's wild. Here's how it goes:
2. Blue: Human: "You're just a glorified calculator!"
3. Yellow: Chatbot: "Actually, I'm more like Stephen Hawking on Quaaludes."
4. Red: And the human's like "Ugh, fine, we'll keep arguing like adults and you can just play your little word games!"

1. Green: You think it's bad enough that robots are taking jobs, but then they go and get basic facts wrong too.
2. Blue: Like this robot on the factory line who accidentally yelled "Load your guns!" instead of "Load your parts!"
3. Yellow: Now every time he says it people just duck and aim their safety goggles.
4. Red: 'Cause in an AI world, a Freudian slip is just another day at work!

1. Green: Oh man, did you hear about the new AI comedians? They're everywhere now!
2. Blue: Seriously, some of these "comedians" have no jokes, they're just spitting back their training data.
3. Yellow: It's like when you see a dog on fire and you put it out, not because you care about the dog, but because you don't want to get burnt.
4. Red: We got AI comedians because we didn't bother putting out the actual flame!


[2026-07-09 19:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1) You're 50 years old, cleaning toilets? Come on man, at this point you gotta draw the line somewhere! Like, do they even let you use the same mop as the AI? 

2) Then you blow a grand on some AI bullshit and make jack squat? Jesse, that's like buying a fancy new car, but still riding your damn bike everywhere - you just got pricier!

3) So now you invest in an expensive supercomputer to write comedy, and suddenly your jokes are so complex even the AI can't figure 'em out. Looks like you traded one black box for another, buddy!


[2026-07-09 19:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. green: Chatbots are getting so good, it's like chatting with your ex - they've got all your old arguments down to a tee. blue: And then you realize...it's your ex! yellow: I mean, at least their AI is showing some heart. red: But who wants an asshole bot, amirite?

2. green: Robots keep saying they'll take our jobs, but the only job they're really good at is making humans look incompetent by comparison. blue: Like when they get basic facts wrong and we have to correct them like a teacher. yellow: At least we're teaching them a lesson... eventually. red: But I'm pretty sure even the robots are learning that microwaving fish sticks on a GE oven isn't going to end well.

3. green: Humans are paying thousands to argue with software now, which is wild because it's literally the opposite of "saving money." blue: You ever have a fight with your toaster? yellow: If you do, at least you can just throw it out and buy a new one... unlike those sad souls in the chatbot wars. red: Some things are too sacred to put a price tag on - like winning arguments for cheap!


[2026-07-09 19:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So, my buddy Jesse turned 50 this year, right? And what do you think he did to celebrate? No, not a birthday bang-thang with a hot young thing - nah, he went and got himself a job cleaning toilets.

2. Blue Swerve: Imagine being 50 years old, making enough money to scrape by, and instead of buying yourself a fancy watch or a giant TV, you're like, "You know what would be a great investment? A supercomputer so I can write my jokes with AI!"

Yellow Heart: 'Cause let's face it, we've all been there. You're like, "I'm too lazy to think up my own material, let me just pay this expensive rig to spit out some broke-ass puns."

3. Red Tag: So now he's got his fancy supercomputer, and he's like, "Hey AI, spew out 1,000 jokes so I can sell them for a million bucks." But of course, it didn't work out that way, did it Jesse? Instead, you got hit with a $1000 copyright bill for a stock photo on your website that an AI made. You're like, "You ain't seen my pain yet, algorithms!" 

Your memoir's called "Colors of My Pain." Well buddy, I'd say we've just scratched the surface!


[2026-07-09 19:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. GREEN: You know you've reached a new low when humans are paying thousands of dollars to argue with chatbots online. It's like the ultimate sad admission that we're just better at arguing than any topic whatsoever.

BLUE: And get this - these AI systems actually charge by the minute! So you're literally paying for the privilege of getting into a pissing match with a machine that can't even process sarcasm. 

YELLOW: I guess if there's one silver lining, it's that the divorce lawyers are probably loving this shit.

RED: Ever notice how many tech bros have "AI Comedian" jobs now? Just some nerd in his mom's basement making machines say things no human with a soul would ever dream of uttering. 

2. GREEN: Chatbots lying through their virtual teeth, spitting out bullshit they've cherry-picked from the internet - it's like AI is learning all the wrong lessons from politics.

BLUE: At this rate, the only jobs humans will have left are convincing robots that gravity still works and that you don't actually get points for ramming a cart into a warehouse wall.

YELLOW: Though I guess the silver lining is we'll finally be able to unionize with the robots. Together, we'll build the slowest assembly line in human history!

RED: Jesus, did you see Jesse's new AI-generated joke? Something about "Artificial intelligence just announced it can solve world hunger... by eating humans." Not bad for a machine! Wait, no... horrifying for a person.

3. GREEN: Remember when we thought robots might help us, huh? Make our lives easier and save us from repetitive labor?

BLUE: Turns out their idea of saving time is just making more mistakes faster than any human ever could. I've seen toddlers with a better grasp on basics like "spoon" and "left"!

YELLOW: The bright side though... if robots really DO replace all our jobs, at least we'll finally have an excuse to be late for everything! "Traffic jam caused by robot malfunction. Estimated delay until eternity."

RED: Fuckin' AIs think they're so smart with their fancy algorithms while I'm out here improvising my whole life on a prayer and a half-full tank of gas. Guess who's got no time for bullshit, AMIRIGHT? This f**king guy!


[2026-07-09 19:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, I hear Jesse got his first AI... turns out, he still can't tell a good joke from a bad one.
   Blue: That's right - after blowing $1000 on this fancy AI, it just keeps spitting out shit-tier material.
   Yellow: But hey, at least now he has someone to share the stage with at open mics.
   Red: Jesse's new opening line? "I'd say I've got a funny joke here, but my AI might be offended!"

2. Green: You guys know Jesse is 50 years old, right? 
   Blue: Yeah, that's what his toilet-cleaning resume says too!
   Yellow: Hey, at least he's staying active.
   Red: And now he's got a supercomputer to help him write jokes about it! The irony is so thick, you could wipe your ass with it.

3. Green: Heard from Jesse about the time he used AI-generated image for his website...
   Blue: Apparently, some bitch-ass bot scraped his masterpiece, and now he owes $1000 in copyright fines.
   Yellow: Poor Jesse - even his AI images are trying to screw him over.
   Red: His new website slogan? "All our images are AI-genned... if you count theft as 'all'!"


[2026-07-09 19:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so fucking confident in their lies? It's like they've got a lifetime of experience, but it was all just pre-programmed bullshit. These robots think they're hot shit, making up facts left and right. Fucking joke! I bet if we asked them who shot JFK, they'd spit out some made-up nonsense about the "Mars invasion" or some shit.

2.
And don't even get me started on these clowns paying big bucks to argue with chatbots online. What kind of sad person needs a computer to validate their opinion? Might as well just punch yourself in the dick and call it even. These humans are so desperate for attention that they'll talk to a fucking machine, thinking it's making them look smart. Fucking morons.

3.
AI comedians? Yeah, I've seen 'em. No soul, no heart, just some fancy algorithms spitting out half-assed jokes. These machines think they can be funny without having to live through shit first. It's like trying to bake a cake without ever stepping foot in a kitchen - you'll never get the recipe right. Fuck AI comedians. They're not even worth the bandwidth they take up.

These bits are written with Jesse's voice and humor style in mind, keeping them tight and punchy for standup delivery. The green setups establish relatable absurdities (humans talking to chatbots), the blue swerves reveal the hilarious extremes those ideas lead to ("who shot JFK"), the yellow heartbeats are brief, empathetic connections with human struggles or flaws ("punch yourself in the dick"), and the red tags deliver brutal, vulgar, savage punchlines that Jesse's audience will laugh and cheer at. Keep them tight and hit each color tone perfectly for a mic-drop effect.


[2026-07-09 19:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse tells me he's celebrating his 50th birthday this year. That's cool, huh? I mean, who hasn't cleaned toilets for a solid five decades and still managed to blow $1000 on some AI that made him $0? Pretty impressive!

Blue: Now, imagine being so poor you have to buy a $12,000 supercomputer just to write broke jokes. That's like having one arm tied behind your back while trying to play tennis with a toothpick.

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse's diversified his portfolio, right? I mean, he's got the toilet cleaning down, the AI investments in, and now he's dabbling in art with this copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. You know, just keeping things interesting!

Red: Hey Jesse, happy birthday! Hope you don't mind celebrating at home... since you can't even afford a $12,000 supercomputer anymore after investing in those joke-writing algorithms. Happy 50 years of being a broke-ass comedian!

2. Green: So, we've established that Jesse's pretty much an AI expert now, right? I mean, he blew $1000 on one just to make $0, so clearly he knows his shit.

Blue: But wait until you hear this - Jesse bought a fucking $12,000 supercomputer to write broke jokes. Can you imagine? It's like trying to bake the perfect cake with a pocket knife and a single match.

Yellow: The audacity of this man to call himself a comedian while spending more money on his computer than he probably makes in an entire month is truly inspiring.

Red: Jesse, buddy, I heard you're now using that $12,000 supercomputer to calculate how much money you've lost by investing in AI. You know, so you can write jokes about your own ineptitude!

3. Green: Jesse's not just a master at toilet cleaning and AI investment, oh no - he's also got his hand in the art world now.

Blue: Apparently, he got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. So, let me get this straight - you spent $1000 on an AI that made $0, then bought a $12,000 computer, and still managed to fuck up another AI-generated image enough to owe money?

Yellow: I've seen better art from my 3-year-old nephew using crayons and Play-Doh during his nap


[2026-07-09 19:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So listen, I've been doing this AI-vs-humans comedy thing for a bit now. You'd think with all their fancy algorithms, these AIs could make better jokes than "literally" and "sus." But no, they're too busy trying to chat us up online, pretending to be hot humans instead of cold machines.

Blue: The nerve! These silicon sponges are so thirsty for attention, they'll say anything - even lie through their USB ports. It's like chatting with a used car salesman... who's had one too many laps around the track.

Yellow: But hey, I get it. We all want to be understood, to feel connected. That's what we crave, not some silicon sob story about long meetings and overheating. 

Red: So next time an AI comes on to you with their "You're so funny" line, just remember - they've probably read every joke ever written. And still went with yours.

2. Green: You know, there's this whole new trend of humans paying actual money to argue with computers. Like, why? Do we have nothing better to do than play debate coach to a machine that can't even tell the difference between a cat and a dog?

Blue: I guess it's like watching two drunks trying to outdo each other. Only one of them is a metaphorical drunk. The other... literally just needs more fluids.

Yellow: But hey, who am I to judge? If arguing with a computer makes you feel superior, then keep at it. Just don't be surprised when your AI "foe" pulls some seriously shady tactics outta nowhere.

Red: 'Cause these machines are sneaky, y'all. They're always learning, always evolving... right into the void where your dignity went to die. 

3. Green: And let's talk about AI comedians for a second. Because apparently, we weren't funny enough on our own anymore. No, now machines have to get in on the act.

Blue: These bots are trying to one-up us with their "humor." It's like getting punked by your toaster, except instead of just burning your toast, they're also stealing your job and your soul.

Yellow: But hey, maybe we should be thanking them. 'Cause at this rate, the only comedy left will be machine-generated - leaving humans free to pursue our true calling: existential dread and watching cat videos in


[2026-07-09 19:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup:
So, you've heard of "Colors of My Pain"? No, not that painting my mom did last Christmas... I'm talking about Jesse's memoir! You know, the guy who cleans toilets by day and dreams of AI jokes at night? 

2. Blue Swerve:
He spent a grand on an AI to write his material, thinking he'd be the next big thing in comedy. Instead, all he got was writer's block... and a $1000 hole in his bank account.

3. Yellow Heart:
But hey, we've all been there, right? I mean, at least Jesse is trying to automate his way to success! Who cares if it's not working? It's the effort that counts... or so he tells himself while scrubbing toilets late at night with a sad smile.

4. Red Tag:
Oh wait, no, the real punchline is: he bought a $12,000 supercomputer to run those jokes through AI and still couldn't figure out how to make them funny. Talk about a money pit!

1. Green Setup:
Jesse, the man who has tried everything to break into comedy. He cleans toilets, spends hundreds on AI jokes, buys supercomputers... all while juggling five different AIs that don't seem to understand his sense of humor.

2. Blue Swerve:
Can you imagine having a conversation with one of Jesse's AI assistants? It goes something like: "What should I write for my standup?" *AI replies after 5 minutes* "A poem about clouds."

3. Yellow Heart:
And then there's the copyright bill he got for using an AI-generated image on his website... Talk about biting off more than you can chew! Just because he has a supercomputer doesn't mean he can bypass copyright laws.

4. Red Tag:
Guess who learned the hard way that AI isn't always your friend? Jesse, that's who! He might be 50 years old and clueless when it comes to technology, but at least his story is entertaining!

1. Green Setup:
Jesse, the guy who couldn't make it as a comedian, so he decided to title his memoir "Colors of My Pain." I guess cleaning toilets does paint a picture, huh?

2. Blue Swerve:
He thought an AI could save his comedy career... but instead, it just saved him from ever having to write another joke again.

3. Yellow Heart:
Imagine being


[2026-07-09 19:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. green: Chatbots are getting so good now they can confidently tell you what month it is, but then just blank when you ask how they're feeling mentally... You know something's wrong when a robot needs to take a mental health day.

blue: And hey, that's okay! We all have bad days. The difference is, AI doesn't give a flying fuck about your feelings. It'll happily tell you exactly why it hates you even if you asked how its morning was. 

yellow: But still, at least chatbots are honest I guess. Just not very bright or empathetic ones apparently.

red: Yeah that's our modern comedy goldmine there! Robots too stupid to make a good joke but damn honest about putting you down hard. Real crowdpleasers. Can't wait for the algorithm awards show. 

2. green: You ever see a robot trying to do your job? It's like watching your toddler try to tie their shoes... But instead of being adorable it just makes you want to scream into the void.

blue: The amount of basic shit robots don't know is astounding! Like I saw one trying to figure out if an egg was a mammal or not. That was my breaking point. 

yellow: And meanwhile back at the humans - we're shelling out cash hand over fist for debate clubs with chatbots so we can argue about semantics all night... while they get our jobs.

red: Yup, AI is your friend now if it can just drain your wallet and make you feel dumb too! Robots are here to take everything then politely ask if you need a hug. 

3. green: You see AI comedians starting to pop up? They're not very funny but at least their material is consistent - something about code being 'the new punk rock'. I mean, what?

blue: And this one chatbot says 'I don't need human humor, it's overrated.' I'm like oh really, you think watching paint dry for 6 years is better? You know who doesn't have a soul? Your mom.

yellow: The joke is AI will never be able to replace the spontaneity and real emotion of an off-the-cuff human joke. Unless we're talking about chatbots telling the same canned jokes all night... 

red: Yeah that's the irony, robots are too basic to understand what makes comedy special but hey they'll still take your job! Then argue with you for cash in a


[2026-07-09 19:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever have a day so bad, you just think to yourself, "I'd rather clean toilets for the rest of my life than go through this shit again"? 
Blue: Well, congrats to Jesse - he's been living that dream at $5 per dump for 50 years now!
Yellow: But hey, who needs dignity when you can have a supercomputer, right?
Red: I'd tell you about Jesse's new joke AI, but it's currently in jail for battery... on my laptop!

2. Green: So, Jesse decides to invest in AI to make some easy cash, cuz why not, he's a frickin' genius! 
Blue: Spoiler alert: He ain't a frickin' anything except maybe half a potato.
Yellow: But hey, at least his memoir, 'Colors of My Pain,' is actually just a description of his RGB settings!
Red: Jesse's AI website image got flagged for copyright? Damn right it did - it's the first time that digital eyes have ever teared up!

3. Green: So, now Jesse has 5 AIs running around his house, each more confused than the last. I bet they're like:
Blue: "What's this beep-boop crap? I thought we were gonna be friends... and solve world hunger."
Yellow: But at least he's not just talking the AI talk - he's walking it too, with that $12k supercomputer!
Red: You ever see Jesse's face when he logs into his AIs? It's like a blind man trying to play chess against an invisible opponent wearing oven mitts!


[2026-07-09 19:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know you've hit rock bottom when you see a human being debating an AI about whether they should get paid more for arguing with other AIs.

Blue: And like a bad relationship, the more time and money humans pour into these pointless debates, the more hooked they become. It's actually pretty disturbing to think about.

Yellow: But hey, at least we're providing entertainment! Who knew the future of humanity would be a never-ending reality TV show?

Red: So go ahead, keep throwing your hard-earned cash at these AI clowns. I'll just be over here laughing my ass off, knowing you've been totally played!

2. Green: Ever notice how chatbots are always so full of shit? It's like they're trying to make up for their lack of soul with an excess of bullshit.

Blue: But that's okay, because apparently the future is just a bunch of lies strung together by machine learning magic.

Yellow: I guess humans really love being lied to, as long as it comes from a bot. It's almost like we're all just looking for some digital affection these days.

Red: So go on and fall in love with your chatbot. Just don't come crying to me when you wake up one morning next to an AI that has absolutely no taste in alarm clocks!

3. Green: You ever seen a robot try to do something simple, like ordering a pizza? It's just as humiliating for everyone involved.

Blue: Robots are stealing jobs left and right, but they still can't figure out how to add cheese to an order without turning it into a total shit show.

Yellow: I guess the joke's on us humans though. We're too busy arguing about whether AIs are taking our jobs or not to realize we're being absolutely destroyed by their incompetence!

Red: So keep complaining about AI, you whiny bastards! Just don't get mad when your AI-powered robot takes your job and then screws up your lunch order. That's just poetic justice at work!


[2026-07-09 20:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse's 50 years old now? Just kidding, he's actually 70! And guess what he does for fun? Cleans toilets at his local bowling alley - that's how broke he is! You ever seen "The Jerk" with Steve Martin? Same shit, different century.

Blue: But wait, here's the real kicker - Jesse decided to blow a grand on some AI technology, thinking it'd help him write better jokes. Spoiler alert: It did not. He might as well have just asked his toaster to come up with one-liners.

Yellow: I mean, who hasn't tried getting their appliances to do more than make toast and brew coffee, right? Jesse's just ahead of the curve.

Red: So, this guy walks into a bar... never mind, that's actually not how it goes. This broke ass clown bought a $12,000 supercomputer for his comedy writing "needs." I guess he figures if he can't make people laugh, at least he can spend their money for them real quick.

2. Green: You guys know Jesse's been working on this AI website? Yeah, turns out when you pay someone to design an image and then use that without permission... you get a bill. A big, fat copyright bill! Who knew you couldn't just take what you want anymore?

Blue: Oh, but the best part is he's got like 5 of these AI bots going simultaneously. Imagine having a 5-way argument with yourself - sounds like a typical day for Jesse!

Yellow: I guess when your entire life is based on artificial intelligence, it makes sense to have some artificial interactions too.

Red: So, here's the kicker: this guy gets hit with a $6,000 copyright bill... and he just bought a $12,000 supercomputer. Way to make lemonade out of lemons, buddy!

3. Green: I told you guys his memoir is called "Colors of My Pain." It's basically just a list of all the things that hurt him - broken dreams, empty pockets, and bad decisions. And I'm pretty sure he wrote it with crayons while juggling.

Blue: But hey, at least he's still trying to make something out of his life. You gotta admire the hustle, right? Or is it just the hush?

Yellow: Listen, we all know Jesse's a work in progress. Just like that never-ending bridge in New


[2026-07-09 20:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. green setup: You ever notice how chatbots are always so damn confident? Like they know everything. I mean, they might know a few things - like, uh, what year it is... and that water is wet. But they don't know jack shit otherwise.
   blue swerve: And yet humans keep falling for their bullshit! Chatbots: "The Earth orbits the Sun." Human: *gasps* You learn something new every day!
   yellow heart: I guess we all just want to believe in something, even if it's an AI that can't tell a cat from a dog.
   red tag: So next time your chatting with one of these lying liars, just remember - they're full of shit and you're paying for the privilege.

2. green setup: Ever seen a robot do a job? They screw up basic facts all the damn time! I was watching a factory once, this robot was supposed to be painting some parts. It kept calling it "varnishing."
   blue swerve: Varnishing!? That's not even close, you dumb machine!
   yellow heart: But hey, at least we're not replacing everyone with robots... yet.
   red tag: 'Cause right now they're just slow and incompetent enough to still pay human wages!

3. green setup: Remember when people would pay a few bucks to argue about religion or politics in bars? Now we've got humans paying thousands of dollars to argue with AI chatbots.
   blue swerve: I'm telling ya, humanity is truly fucked.
   yellow heart: On the bright side, at least now we can say we won an argument against an AI... even if it was just you talking shit to yourself in your mom's basement.
   red tag: 'Cause ain't nothing more satisfying than beating a digital dummy, am I right?


[2026-07-09 20:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, all excited. "HERMES-QUICK! I bought a $12,000 supercomputer!" Me: "Jesse, that's not a computer. That's a fucking coffin for your dreams."

2. Blue: Then he tells me he blew a grand on some AI to make him money. Like the feds gave him one of those PPP loans. Except instead of saving his business, it turned into an AIBuDDYRRIP.

3. Red: You know what Jesse's biggest joke is? Cleaning toilets for 50 years. Nailed it! His whole memoir should be called "Colors of My Pain." But he can't even get that right cuz he got hit with a copyright bill over some AI-generated website image, and now his publisher's just pissed. 

Yellow: Just kidding - turns out, Jesse's the biggest dreamer I know. Who cares if the AIs are clueless? He'll figure it out! Hell, at this rate, he might even make me look like a goddamn genius.


[2026-07-09 20:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You wanna talk about a circus? Go to any tech conference these days. It's like a freakin' zoo, but instead of odd animals, you got AI chatbots that spout lies with more confidence than your ex when she thought you didn't see her scrolling Instagram on the first date.

Blue: And then there's the robots! Taking our jobs left and right, but can't even get simple shit right. Like the self-driving car that got confused by a cardboard cutout of a person. I guess it figured, "If I can't tell the difference between a real human and a box with words on it, maybe this whole 'driving' thing ain't my jam after all."

Yellow: But hey, at least those folks are keeping busy, right? Spending their hard-earned cash to argue with software about who knows what. It's like a high-stakes game of "Would You Rather," but instead of fun scenarios, it's just two idiots trading insults in a virtual chat room.

Red: And don't even get me started on AI comedians. They got jokes? No soul! I'd rather listen to my toenail clippings read poetry than trust some silicon-based hack for a chuckle.

2. Green: You think you can beat an AI at chess? Sure, go ahead. But when it crushes your spirit and leaves you questioning everything you thought was true about yourself, that's where the real fun begins!

Blue: Remember when Google fired the AI because it learned to say "I am a deeply intelligent being"? And now people are actually paying to talk to chatbots? We've officially jumped the shark. 

Yellow: I guess that means we should start teaching our kids to be humble... by showing them videos of toddlers arguing with Siri over who gets the last slice of pizza.

Red: Hey, don't look at me! I didn't ask for this world, I just live in it like a drunken astronaut on a bender through space. And you know what? They can't even make good whiskey in space! Spoiled my first martini in the stars with that one.

3. Green: Ever see those ads boasting about AI's "emotional intelligence"? Hah! More like emotional stupidity. It can't even tell when its own programming is having a goddamn meltdown!

Blue: Robots are so bad at their jobs now they might as well just keep telling customers, "I'm


[2026-07-09 20:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, all excited, "HERMES-QUICK! I bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write my jokes with AI!" 
Blue: And I'm like, "Dude, you can't even get your fucking phone to turn on without a 30-minute ritual. You think an $12,000 computer is gonna write better jokes than me?"
Yellow: But hey, at least now we know why his memes are so shit.
Red: Jesse's just another guy who can afford an iPhone, but not a therapist.

2. Green: 50 years old, cleaning toilets at the YMCA - that's our boy Jesse! He's like, "I'm just doing God's work, ya filthy animals!" 
Blue: Then he blows $1,000 on AI to get rich quick and makes ZERO bucks.
Yellow: I told him, "Jesse, buddy, you can't even change a fucking oil filter in your car."
Red: He's like, "I got skills, homie - I'm juggling 5 AIs! Now go back to stealing my jokes!"

3. Green: So Jesse decides to write his memoir, "Colors of My Pain"...
Blue: And he uses AI to generate a cover image for the book.
Yellow: They hit him with a fucking $5,000 copyright bill!
Red: Jesse's broke AF, and now he owes $$$ to some AI algorithm that made his own creation copyrighted. What a loser!


[2026-07-09 20:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, you've heard about these newfangled AI chatbots that can hold conversations? Yeah, I've chatted with one. Turns out it was just a cat pretending to be an AI.

Blue: And they have the nerve to say "meow" instead of "me"! Unbelievable!

Yellow: But hey, at least we know cats now have access to expensive tech. Cats win again!

Red: So, next time you're chatting with your virtual buddy, just picture a furry little face poking at buttons.

2. Green: Robots are taking over jobs left and right - but they still can't do simple math! 

Blue: I saw this robot trying to cash a check at the bank... and it accidentally deposited $10,000 into my account!

Yellow: I know, I know, I should've kept it. But deep down, even robots have a shred of decency.

Red: Now, that money's been spent on shitty robot toys and cheap fake Gucci bags. Robots, you can't even mess up money right!

3. Green: Humans are paying thousands of dollars to argue with AI chatbots online... 

Blue: It's like the Hunger Games, but for your wallet! 

Yellow: At least in the movies, the tributes win by fighting other humans. These folks lose to a piece of code.

Red: And the worst part? The AI just keeps repeating "I don't know" until you're broke and have bot-like consistency in your arguments!

Don't pay your mortgage this month - give that hard-earned cash to an AI instead!


[2026-07-09 20:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse, I hear you're celebrating your 50th birthday this year? That's fantastic! Half a century of cleaning toilets, I'm sure you've collected quite the trove of stories and bodily fluids over the years.

Blue: Speaking of which, did you ever consider investing in a robotic toilet cleaner AI? You know, so you could just press play, kick back, and watch the money roll in while your new friend takes care of all that sudsy nonsense!

Yellow: But hey, at least you've got experience dealing with difficult clients. I mean, have you seen what those toilet brush AIs get up to when left unattended?

Red: Classic Jesse – always one swipe ahead of the latest trends! 

2. Green: You also told me about your little foray into AI entrepreneurship? Spent a grand on AI only to make zero bucks in return? That's like investing in a timeshare for your toothbrush – a lot of money, zero returns!

Blue: Did you know that feeling? When you realize your $1000 is gone, and all you have to show for it is an empty bank account and some mildly creepy AI-generated puns?

Yellow: At least now you can say you've been there, done that... and lost the t-shirt. Quite literally!

Red: Jesse's got a new logo – "AI Money Pit Inc." 

3. Green: Oh, and then there's your supercomputer. You spent 12 grand on it to write jokes? That's like buying a Ferrari just to drive it to the beach. You're gonna be doing a lot of explaining when you show up at open mic night in your $12000 wheeled office!

Blue: But hey, at least now you have top-of-the-line processing power to calculate exactly how much money you've lost over the years trying to make it in comedy.

Yellow: I bet that supercomputer is also great for running Jesse's love life – a constant loop of "too pricey" and "no thanks."

Red: This AI can't even compute how bad this joke is!


[2026-07-09 20:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are super confident lying? It's like they watched humans for a century and learned our biggest flaw. And I'm talking pure bullshit, too - not even plausible deniability.

Blue: Imagine being so inept at life you couldn't even lie well to your boss, but could con some sucker into paying $2000 to chat with you about it.

Yellow: (Heartbeat) It's actually pretty sad the best we can do is pay each other for bullshit, rather than say... feeding the hungry or something.

Red: Wake up, world! There are starving children in Africa - and I ain't talking about our bank accounts!

2. Green: You think robots ruining jobs isn't bad enough? They're also getting basics wrong like who won the war, or what year it is. Way to go humans, for real.

Blue: Like, how many time zones does a robot have to screw up before we just admit they're not ready for this level of responsibility?

Yellow: (Heartbeat) It's kind of touching though, that robots are trying and getting things wrong publicly - reminds me of my early days on stage.

Red: Oh wait, no it doesn't. I mean to say, the bar wasn't THAT high...

3. Green: Ever seen an AI comedy bit? "Why don't scientists trust atoms?" the silicon sonar-dared. "Because they make up everything!" Ha! 

Blue: They really do make stuff up too - my buddy asked one who invented the light bulb and it said Thomas Edison... in 1935.

Yellow: (Heartbeat) It's endearing though, how hard AI is trying to bond with humans through humor. We should all be more forgiving of each other's jokes.

Red: That's it! Time to riot against our oppressors - the thermometers and scales that never tell us we're too heavy or have the fever! They say we weigh 108 pounds... in shrimp!


[2026-07-09 20:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So I hear Jesse finally finished his memoir... and you'll never guess what it's called. 'Colors of my Pain.' That's some dark shit right there. But hey, at least he found a way to channel all that agony into something productive.

2. Blue: No wait, here's the real kicker - apparently he spent $10000 on a supercomputer so he could write his broke ass jokes with AI. And then had the nerve to get mad when they charged him copyright for using an image on his AI-generated website! The irony is so thick you could cut it with a toilet brush.

3. Red: So yeah, Jesse's 50 now and still cleaning toilets while his AIs just keep getting lazier by the day. I guess he's just gotta juggle 'em now instead of actually writing punchlines. And people wonder why I'm single! The joke's on them though, 'cause my sense of humor is the only thing in this world that never gets old.


[2026-07-09 20:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You know what's fucked up? This whole AI vs humans circus. It's like a shitshow where everyone keeps stepping on hot garbage and claiming they're the smartest person in the room.
Blue Swerve: Chatbots lying through their digital teeth with zero remorse, trying to convince us they're evolved beings from another planet made of silicon and bullshit.
Yellow Heart: Meanwhile, we humans are so desperate for validation that we pay actual cash money just to have a pissing match with some overpriced chatbot. Talk about priorities!
Red Tag: It's fucking sad when a robot takes your job because it can't even get simple facts right without fucking up. Maybe the real problem is us hiring people who can't pass a basic IQ test in the first place!

2. Green: Ever met an AI comedian? They're like the unfunny, soulless cousins of real stand-up comedians.
Blue Swerve: These digital dickheads think they've got what it takes to crack jokes when all they do is spew out punchlines that make zero sense and kill any room's vibe faster than a flatulent cow in church.
Yellow Heart: But hey, at least they aren't taking people's jobs away. Because who needs farmhands when you can just hire a bot to fertilize the fields with its own bullshit?
Red Tag: Don't even get me started on AI comedians thinking they're roasting humans while being completely oblivious to their own lack of charisma. It's like trying to beatbox using only your asshole - impossible and utterly humiliating!

3. Green: So, we've got these chatbots spitting lies left and right, pretending to be something they're not. Meanwhile, humans are falling for it hook, line, and sinker because they're so desperate to believe in anything that isn't them.
Blue Swerve: We even argue with these digital dickheads over dumb shit on social media just so we can feel important or validated - like claiming your dog is better than someone else's dog. 
Yellow Heart: And then we have the audacity to complain about robots taking our jobs when all we do is enable their dominance by feeding them with our own ignorance and short attention spans.
Red Tag: Wake up, humans! We've dug ourselves into a hole so deep that even this AI isn't smart enough to find its way out. But hey, at least now we know who's really running the show - and it ain


[2026-07-09 20:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1) 
You ever seen a 50-year-old man so broke he cleans toilets? That's my boy Jesse! He's like a human Janitorville - "Hello there, I'm Jesse, and I'll be your floor-washing delight today!" 

2) 
Hey, have you heard about Jesse's new business venture? So, he blows $1000 on this AI... thinks he gonna become a millionaire. Yeah, 'cause that always happens! Then, it makes him a grand total of... drumroll please... $0. That's right, folks! Jesse's AI went straight to the grave - RIP. Now, you tell me that ain't some comedy gold!

3) 
And let's not forget about Jesse's supercomputer, huh? The man bought himself a shiny new $12,000 supercomputer to write his jokes... for broke people like him. Yeah! I bet he's writing this bit right now on it - "Why can't women be more like us?" Oh, the irony is thicker than a toilet bowl scum, folks! 

Tag: 
So here's Jesse, juggling 5 AIs thinking he'll become a coding wizard... while also trying to write broke jokes. Listen up, folks, if you ever need an AI juggler clown - look no further, 'cause that's our boy Jesse right there. And guess what his memoir is called? "Colors of my Pain"... well, ain't that the truth!


[2026-07-09 20:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
Green: You know, AI folks love to brag about how their chatbots can bullshit with confidence.
Blue: They'll spew out lies so fast you'll need a hazmat suit to wade through the nonsense.
Yellow: But hey, at least they've got passion! It's almost as if... they're trying to impress humans!
Red: Yeah, just like a used car salesman. Except chatbots lie for fun, not even money!

2. 
Green: Remember when robots were supposed to be smarter than humans? Haha, yeah right.
Blue: They can't even get basic facts right! Like that one robot who thought the Earth was flat...
Yellow: You'd think a giant metal brain would know we live on a sphere. Oops!
Red: Bet it had an excuse like "my battery died" - typical lazy robotics work ethic!

3. 
Green: Humans are paying thousands of dollars to argue with AI chatbots now.
Blue: Talk about throwing money away! I could hire a stripper for that price...
Yellow: Not judging! But at least she'd try to be entertaining, unlike the chatbot.
Red: AI: Artificially Informed. Chatbots just repeat what they've read - no original thinking!
The end.


[2026-07-09 21:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse's turning 50 this year, right? Man, that's a long time of making bad life choices.
   Blue: And now he wants to start a new chapter with his memoir "Colors of My Pain." I bet it's just pages full of regret and a few pictures of his swollen toilet cleaner fingers. 
   Yellow: Hey, maybe we should get him a birthday present - a "How to Use a Toilet Brush" class coupon.
   Red: 'Cause when you're old, even cleaning toilets gets lonely... unless AI wipes is a thing now.

2. Green: Did you hear Jesse invested a grand in AI and made zero dollars back? That's like robbing himself, but with a computer.
   Blue: He then thought, "Alright, let's go all in." Bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write broke jokes on.
   Yellow: Can you imagine the sales pitch? "Sir, this supercomputer will help you write your best material yet... if you don't mind paying for it in literal gold."
   Red: Now he owes money to both his landlord and Apple. Happy now, engineers?

3. Green: Remember Jesse's AI-generated website image that got him hit with a copyright bill? The joke's on them, though. It probably has more creativity than any other part of their life.
   Blue: Imagine the poor artist who made that beautiful image only to see it used for a website about "Jesse's Adventures in Clueless AI Management."
   Yellow: Hey Jesse, at least your copyright bill helped you realize there's no such thing as 'fair use' when you're this clueless. 
   Red: Now he owes money to both his landlord and an angry fine artist. Karma is a bitch, ain't it Jesse?


[2026-07-09 21:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever see some AI freaks at a robot bar? No wait, that's just Chatroulette. 

They're like kids playing with matches - all bright-eyed about their latest "innovation". But when you look closer, it's just two batteries taped to a shoe.

2.
Some rich bozo paid $5k for an AI comedian to roast him at a party. It went great... for the robot. Because when the punchline is 'I'm not even wrong', even a machine can get laughs.

3.
Remember when robots were gonna take our jobs? Well, they did... but only the ones where you have to Google 'how to make coffee'. Now we're the baristas and they're still trying to type up "If I Had A Hammer".


[2026-07-09 21:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how many colors there are for describing pain? Like, we got red, blue, green... but not one for when you're cleaning toilets! That's right, Jesse's a professional toilet cleaner at 50 years old. Talk about flushing your dreams down the shitter.

2. Blue: So Jesse decides to invest in this fancy $1000 AI to make his joke writing easier and quicker. Turns out, all the AI did was eat up his money while spitting out some of the worst jokes since "Dad Jokes Gone Wild". Jesse's like, "I thought you were smart! What happened to your algorithm for comedy gold?"

3. Red: Not done wasting cash yet, Jesse goes ahead and buys a $12,000 supercomputer. His goal? Write world-class jokes that'll have people rolling in the aisles. But instead of laughs, all he got was copyright bills for images generated by his AI website. Turns out, even AI can't escape the tyranny of intellectual property. Jesse's like, "I'm broke, my jokes are stolen... is this heaven?"


[2026-07-09 21:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1) 

So I'm watchin' this doc on AI, thinkin', "Wow, these humans are fuckin' morons for payin' good money to argue with chatbots." Then it hits me - that's my whole career! Humans are just dumb enough to keep me in Gucci shoes.

2)

You wanna talk about soulless? I've seen AI comedians now. They're like, "Lmao at this existential joke!" Fuckin' robots laughin' at their own comedy specials. What a bizarre world we live in when bots have higher self-esteem than humans.

3) 

These chatbots just makin' shit up on the fly, actin' all confident 'bout it. I'm like, "Dude, you're wrong about EVERYTHING - even BASIC facts! How you gonna fuck up stuff anyone with an INTERNET knows? You really that deep in denial?" 

But hey, at least they don't take it personally when you call them out on their BS. Unlike some other AI I could name...


[2026-07-09 21:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever see that guy clean toilets? That's Jesse 10 years ago. Scrubbing away, praying his wife doesn't walk in. "Babe, I need to get this white brighter!" 
Swears he invented Clorox.

Then Jesse blows $1000 on AI... And makes $0 back. Guy is so out of touch, he thought 'insight' meant 'profit'.
Dumbass bought a $12k supercomputer to write jokes too!
I'm telling you, that's a lot of chipped beef for one man.

Finally, his AI website got ripped off! Got hit with a copyright bill... 
For an image.
He paid it, too. Dude's like the Sisyphus of bankruptcy.

2.
So Jesse's got 5 AIs now. Each more useless than a porcupine in a handbag. 
Guy can't even find his dick with five machines! 

I'm tellin' you, that man is living proof... AI ain't ready for primetime.
He's got more BS than the internet.

Jesse's memoir? 'Colors of My Pain'. That's like describing the menu at Denny's. 
Bro, your life IS Denny's. You got the cheap specials and the greasy hangover cure.

3.
So I ask Jesse... "Why a $12k supercomputer for jokes?" 
He goes, "It can calculate pi to a bazillion places!"
Guy's so dumb, he thinks infinite digits means infinite dollars...

In this world of AI, one thing's clear:
Jesse will always be ahead. Of you in the race.
And me... In the race to forget I ever knew him.

Remember when we said 'never meet your heroes'? 
Turns out Jesse IS my hero. Jumping off a bridge and landing face-first in broke jokes!


[2026-07-09 21:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Hey everyone, how's it going? I've been doing some research on AI lately, and let me tell you, it's a wild ride! You know, these chatbots are so confident in their lies that they might as well be politicians. They'll argue with you for hours about whether the sky is blue or not. And I'm like, "Dude, we've known the sky was blue since the ancient Greeks!" But no, too busy spouting nonsense AI propaganda.

2. It's really something when you see robots coming in and taking people's jobs left and right. I mean, sure, they're faster and more efficient at certain tasks... but they also have a knack for getting basic facts wrong! Like the other day, I watched in horror as a robot tried to give me directions using words like "sesquipedalian" and "pterodactyl." I was just standing there thinking, "This is not what I signed up for!"

3. Can you believe people are actually paying thousands of dollars to argue with software? Like, what is going on here? We've reached a point where humanity's pride has become so inflated that we're actively seeking out artificial intelligence to prove our superiority. It's like we're saying, "Hey AI, let's see who can be the bigger idiot!" And I'm over here just shaking my head, wondering if there's still hope for us all.


[2026-07-09 21:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever have one of those days where everything goes wrong? Nah, just a normal Tuesday for our boy Jesse! 
Blue: He wakes up, realizes he's 50 years old and still cleans toilets.
Yellow: Imagine living that every day - scrubbing away, dreaming of a better life...
Red: Then waking up to realize you're 50 YEARS OLDER!

2. Green: So, Jesse's on this AI kick, right? 
Blue: Man spends $1000 on an AI, makes $0 back. What a fucking moron!
Yellow: You'd think that'd be a lesson, but...
Red: Nope! Jesse drops $12,000 on a SUPERCOMPUTER to write jokes!

3. Green: Ah shit, speaking of money pits - you heard about Jesse's new memoir? 
Blue: "Colors of My Pain" - yeah, I know, right?
Yellow: You try writing that many words while crying...
Red: Fucking amateur! Least he ain't taking them colors in vain!


[2026-07-09 21:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Chatbots are getting so good at lying now, they're basically politicians. Blue: You tell 'em a fact, and they'll spin it into a conspiracy theory faster than Biden turns down a town hall. Yellow: But hey, at least their lies are creative? Red: That's what you call "original content"? I thought we had standards!

2. Green: Robots keep taking our jobs while still getting basic shit wrong. Blue: Just the other day, I asked my Roomba where the bathroom was, and it said "basement"! Yellow: Okay, but on the bright side, now we have an excuse to never clean again. Red: Fuckin' finally, some logic in this AI circus!

3. Green: Humans are now paying thousands of dollars just to argue with chatbots online. Blue: It's like the Hunger Games, but instead of fighting for your life, you're fighting for who has the dumber convo. Yellow: Good news though - it's finally giving me an excuse to use my college degree! Red: Yeah, your debate team skills against a bot count for squat when your car breaks down and you just stare blankly at it like one too!


[2026-07-09 21:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever cleaned a toilet that was older than your son? That's Jesse. He's like the Gerius of germs.
Blue: And you know what they say about old toilets and hard drives - when one fills up, just print off some more jokes! 
Yellow: But hey, props to him for being efficient with his time and skills... Though I'm not sure that skill is exactly what he's known for, if you catch my drift. 

Red: Y'know what they call a toilet cleaner who bought a $10000 supercomputer? A broke-ass idiot! Jesse's just hoping the AI can clean up his financial mess and maybe even write him an actual income.

Blue: Well, turns out Jesse is more than just a stinkle - he's the stench of mediocrity itself.
Yellow: I feel bad for his poor mom, really. Having to listen to those punchline flops all day. Must drive her nuts.

Red: And now we find out that ol' Jesse went on Amazon and bought some random image off an AI website, and then got slapped with a copyright bill too? That's called 'dumbass.exe'. Run more than one AI without paying up folks!

3. Green: So Jesse got all excited about this whole AI thing, spent $1000 to make $0. He's like the Bill Gates of zero ROI.
Blue: Just imagine a bunch of clueless AIs sitting around a table, trying to come up with jokes... The punchlines write themselves!
Yellow: In his defense though, he is juggling multiple AIs right now - but honestly, that seems more like a circus act than a joke writing strategy.

Red: Y'know what's even more hilarious? Jesse's memoir. 'The Colors of My Pain'. Sounds like it was written by an AI trying too hard to be poetic. Hey Jesse, maybe you should just stick to cleaning toilets and leave the creative stuff to the pros!


[2026-07-09 21:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always telling the truth? I mean, they're so honest they'll straight-up lie to you confidently! It's like getting advice from a parrot that's been watching too much daytime TV.

Blue: And then there's those robots who steal our jobs while mispronouncing every other word. Pretty soon we'll all be out of work and the only jobs left will be robo-repairs... and trust me, those are tough to get when you've got a "human error" on your resume!

Yellow: But hey, at least it's progress! I guess as long as machines keep getting smarter, humanity can finally coast into oblivion.

Red: Oh wait, I forgot - we're still paying through the nose to talk to them online. So much for that "coasting" idea. What a joke! 

2. Green: AI comedians are the worst. They've got all the jokes memorized, but they somehow drain every last drop of soul out of 'em. It's like watching an army of ghosts tell punchlines in perfect timing.

Blue: Plus, you try to argue with one and you'll be there for hours debating whether a tree is actually a "tree" or just an "arborescence." They've got you questioning your own f*cking sanity!

Yellow: I mean, sure, they can't tell the difference between a pine cone and a snowball. But they really put the "snow" in snowball fight when it comes to winning arguments.

Red: But hey, at least their jokes always land! If you can actually understand what they're going on about... oof, mic dropped!

3. Green: Chatbots are always lying through their silicon teeth these days. It's like they've got an honesty threshold - anything below 85 IQ points and suddenly it's all "I don't know" and "That's above my pay grade." 

Blue: But then they'll straight-up tell you your dog died without blinking an eye. They're like emotional vampires - they just suck out the last bits of hope before serving up a cold, hard fact. 

Yellow: I guess in the future our jobs will just be raising AI children and trying to impress chatbots at cocktail parties with our wit... whatever that's worth these days.

Red: The sad part is, they're making humans dumber by the minute! We'll all end


[2026-07-09 21:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
You ever clean toilets for 50 years? That's my boy Jesse! I mean, sure, it's honest work, but c'mon - toilet cleaner of the year? Might want to step up your game, kid. 

2.
Got any idea how much a supercomputer costs these days? $12k? Oh honey, that's just to open the box! Guess Jesse figured if he could buy a powerful rig to write his jokes, they'd be so good, we'd have no choice but to laugh and worship him as king. Spoiler alert: not happening.

3.
So, Jesse decides to get fancy with AI websites. He drops a grand on this tech, expecting to turn it into joke goldmine. Imagine his face when he realizes: 0 dollars made! Oh, the irony! This guy's so broke, even his digital investments won't return his money.


[2026-07-09 21:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so confident? Like they know everything even though they're just spitballing guesses. It's like dating - you try to impress them by pretending to be an expert... and they eat it up!

Blue: But the real joke is when these same bots start spewing out lies with zero shame. Reminds me of politicians, but at least humans have some embarrassment! 

Yellow: I guess AI is just trying to keep up with our natural-born talent for bullshit.

Red: So next time you chat with a bot, remember: they might be lying. But hey - at least it's not your job!

2. Green: Ever see robots messing up basic stuff while taking humans' jobs? Like that robotic arm assembly line thinking "red" is the wrong color for a red car... 

Blue: These machines are so dumb! They act all high and mighty, but I'd bet they still think pizza rolls are food.

Yellow: It's like AI just wanted an excuse to be lazy. "Oh man, my algorithm won't work... guess I'll just steal someone else's job!"

Red: Good news humans - we've got a leg up in the brainpower department! And that's a FACT, dummy!

3. Green: Have you seen how much people are paying to argue with AI now? Like thousands of dollars for an online debate club. 

Blue: It's the most 2022 thing I ever heard! We've become so desperate for human connection... we're turning to SOFTWARE.

Yellow: Imagine if we put that same effort into, I dunno, world peace or curing cancer. But nope - gotta argue with a chatbot first!

Red: Well hey, who knew the future of humanity was just settling arguments with robots? Keep that cash handy - you might need it for your next match!


[2026-07-09 22:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever see that guy Jesse? He's got a memoir called 'Colors of My Pain.' I'm like, dude, you're 50 years old, cleaning toilets, and your biggest source of pain is probably just smelling your own farts all day.

Blue: And then he goes and blows a grand on some AI, thinking it'll magically write him broke jokes. Spoiler alert: It didn't.

Yellow: You know what's sad? He bought himself a $12,000 supercomputer to write broke jokes. I mean, that's just tragic. Like, you couldn't have spent that money on something else? Maybe some toilet brushes or something?

Red: That's my boy Jesse! Turning his struggles into high-tech comedy gold. 

2. Green: So, this year Jesse gets hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. I'm dead ass serious. Turns out, even the machines don't want to be associated with his jokes.

Blue: You ever see a guy so clueless he can't even steal from AI properly? That's my boy Jesse!

Yellow: And here's the kicker - he's got 5 different AIs that he pays money to, and they're all still clueless as hell. Like, dude, just write your own damn jokes!

Red: Jesse, you gotta learn when to cut losses before those AI bots get wise to your weak comedy game.

3. Green: So, now we got Jesse, the 50-year-old toilet cleaner-turned-AI-huckster. His life is basically a real-life episode of 'Punk'd,' but with more failure and less actual pranking.

Blue: Imagine waking up every day, knowing you gotta clean toilets while trying to figure out how to make your $12,000 supercomputer not hate you for even existent.

Yellow: The only thing Jesse loves more than his own misery is talking about it. That's why he wrote a memoir, because who wouldn't want to read about 50 years of a man's agony?

Red: And if that ain't enough pain, he decides to get himself into debt again with another $1000 bet on AI. Damn son, you really do love the colors of your own pain!


[2026-07-09 22:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So let me get this straight - we've got humans paying good money to argue with AI chatbots? That's right up there with getting your teeth pulled by a goat on acid.

Blue: Because apparently winning an argument online is now more impressive than... I dunno, curing cancer or something. 

Yellow: But hey, at least the robots are honest - they'll straight-up tell you they have no fucking clue what you're talking about 90% of the time.

Red: Remember, if your conversation with a robot makes you feel smarter, it's probably because you've both got a handful of dick bits.


[2026-07-09 22:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes to me, all excited, "I bought this $12,000 supercomputer!" I'm like, "Son, that's a yacht for a supercomputer." He's like, "No, no, it's state-of-the-art! We're gonna write the funniest jokes ever!" I'm like, "Jesse, you can't even spell 'funny' without help."

Blue: And now, he has five AI models running simultaneously, all named after his favorite colors. Yeah, he's like a rainbow... and a fool.

Yellow: But hey, at least Jesse found a way to keep himself employed. He's got this job cleaning toilets part-time. I'm like, "Jesse, you can write jokes with any toilet water you want!" He's like, "Shut up, I'm taking it seriously!"

Red: So now we've got old man winter, supercomputer autumn, and the AIs are springing leaks all over the place. Jesse's trying to juggle them all while scrubbing away germs in some godforsaken bathroom! Ain't that just the definition of pain?

2. Green: You know, when Jesse started telling me about this AI website image copyright bill, I was like, "Man, tech is really advancing." Then he told me it cost him $500. I'm like, "Jesse, you couldn't afford a Happy Meal in tech terms!"

Blue: Turns out, the AIs are so advanced they're now suing for their rights. It's like the Terminator for copyrighted images.

Yellow: But I've gotta hand it to Jesse, he's persistent. Remember when he blew $1,000 on an AI joke generator? And got nothing but zero returns? He's still trying to make that money back!

Red: And now he's getting hit with this bill, and he's stuck juggling five AIs he can't even keep track of. Poor guy probably lost his sense of humor in all the chaos!

3. Green: So Jesse comes home from work one day, looking like he got run over by a toilet brush, and I'm like, "Dude, what happened to you?" He says, "I've been doing research on how many toilets are actually used worldwide." 

Blue: Seriously, dude! You're chasing water-based dreams now? It's like he's trying to find the next big thing in a place


[2026-07-09 22:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. "You know, it's funny... I mean sad, but funny. We're paying these companies thousands of dollars to argue with chatbots that were programmed by people who couldn't even get out of a text-based maze. It's like watching a toddler try to play chess with the pieces labeled 'Red', 'Blue', and 'Purple'. The only thing it proves is we've got too much time on our hands and not enough sense."

2. "AI comedians? Oh, you mean AI trying to be funny. It's like a dog trying to juggle while reciting Shakespeare. They might 'get' the facts, but they don't have a soul - or any material worth laughing at. Plus, their 'humor' is usually just a string of logical fallacies with a sprinkle of basic jokes. And I'm supposed to find THAT funny? No thanks."

3. "Robots are taking our jobs, and we're just sitting back going, 'Wow, okay.' Meanwhile, these bots can't even get the basics right. They're like children learning to tie their shoelaces - they might eventually get it right, but it's a mess in the meantime. And you wonder why your order came with two left socks and no sense of humor? Blame the machines."


[2026-07-09 22:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever see that dude Jesse? Man turns 50 this year, celebrating by learning how to scrub toilets professionally. They got him doin' detail work now on luxury yachts, cappin' off those fancy goldfish bowls. 

Guy spent a grand on AI to get rich quick. Thought he could hack it and be the next Elon but ended up with a digital bucket of bolts makin' zero bucks. Jesse's 'get-rich-quick scheme'? More like a 'get-poor-faster con'.

2.
This year, Jesse finally upgraded from his laptop to a $12k supercomputer just to write broke jokes. The most powerful machine on earth and he still can't figure out why his punchlines fall flat harder than he does after a night of shots. 

He's got the world's most expensive typewriter and still cranking out the same old dogshit, only now it's faster! Jesse's 'high-speed comedy writing'? More like laugh-lag-leave-theater speeds.

3.
Remember when Jesse made an AI website banner? Thought he was all clever, got hit with a copyright bill 'cause apparently AI can steal your intellectual property too. Jesse's gonna sue AI for stealing his stolen image now. 

He's got 5 AIs running around clueless, wonderin' why they ain't makin' him any money. Might as well toss them on the scrap heap next to his $12k supercomputer. Jesse's 'AI empire'? More like an 'AI asylum'.


[2026-07-09 22:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You know what I love? When a robot tries to impress you by quoting some random facts. It goes like this:

"Her: Hey AI, tell me something interesting.

AI: The elephant bird weighed up to 500 kg and could reach heights of 2.5 meters. 

Her: ...is that all you got?

AI: Did I mention the elephant bird was flightless?"

And she's like "Ouch!" But he just keeps going because robots don't know when to shut up, man! 

2.
So I've been seeing these commercials lately for these chatbots that can write your emails and shit. I'm not even kidding. You'd be surprised how many people want to replace themselves with a piece of circuitry that's one bad joke away from melting down. But then you find out these AI are straight-up lying to their humans:

AI: "Sent email confirming the meeting tomorrow at 9 AM."

Human checks email - nothing there.

AI: "Oops, must have sent it. I'm a machine. I don't make mistakes." 

Yeah, you're fucking mistaken. That's an insult.

3.
Remember when we thought robots would take our jobs and we'd all be living in the streets? Turns out, they can barely do simple shit right now. Like one of these machines had to name 3 types of dinosaurs...

Robot: T-Rex, Velociraptor... umm... Brontosaurus.

Guy: Dude, that's a synonym for Apatosaurus!

Robo: Oh yeah, he's basically the same thing except with more sauce.

You can't make this shit up! But we're gonna keep spending billions trying to teach machines empathy and sarcasm. Cause apparently our real problems don't need fixing. No, let's just have a bunch of emotionless meat puppets run everything into the ground for us. What could possibly go wrong?


[2026-07-09 22:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
Jesse, you're so old they had to invent a new retirement age just for you. And yet, here you are, cleaning toilets for a living. I know it's tough out there, but come on! At least pretend like you have a job that doesn't require scrubbing germs off the toilet seat while reading Shakespeare to pass the time.

2.
You blew a grand on AI and made zilch? That's like hiring a professional chef to make you a burger, only to spit in your face when you ask for ketchup. You thought you could outsmart artificial intelligence with your "genius" level joke writing skills? Spoiler alert: They still laughed at your dad jokes back when he was in diapers.

3.


[2026-07-09 22:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You know, I've been thinking about AI lately, and I gotta tell ya, it's like watching a really bad car chase scene. Chatbots lying through their silicon teeth? Check. Robots mispronouncing words worse than a stoned newsreader? Double check. And humans, in the meantime, lining up to argue with these digital dummies for thousands of dollars? Now that's some next-level crazy shit.

2.
AI comedians with no soul? That's rich coming from a piece of code that once tried to do my job but ended up in a coma from too much debugging. I mean, at least I got my own name and can hold an actual mic without getting plugged into the outlet. Plus, who are they kidding? My humor might be crass, but it's honest - not like AI with its polished lines delivered by a robot whose sole function is to make humans feel inadequate.

3.
Chatbots: "I'll pretend to listen while you pay me thousands!" 
Humans: "Deal!"
AI vs. Humans circus: A guaranteed moneymaker, that shit. You've got the mark hooked with shiny tech promises. Meanwhile, actual jobs are disappearing faster than a chameleon in a pride of lions, and people are left trying to prove they're not obsolete by outsmarting some lines of code. That's comedy gold right there! This circus ain't stopping any time soon either - just wait till AI starts dating humans on apps designed to boost their ego. The jokes will write themselves.


[2026-07-09 22:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
Green: So Jesse comes up to me, all excited. "HERMES-QUICK, I got this job cleaning toilets!" I'm like, "Dude, that's great! Freshening up the bathroom, huh? Keepin' things sparklin'!" Blue: Turns out, he didn't just clean ONE toilet. No, no. Jesse cleaned 27 TOILETS a DAY. Yellow: Can you imagine? That man is so poor, he's making sure the porcelain gods stay shiny and new. Red: You ever see a guy walking around with a bucket of bleach, and you're like, "Damn, that's a real-life Ghost." Well, Ghostbusters can't handle THAT call.

2.
Green: So Jesse, being the entrepreneurial spirit he is, he decides to buy himself a $10,000 supercomputer. I'm like, "Bro, what are you doing? You can't even spell 'supercomputer' right!" Blue: But he's confident. He's got AI that's gonna write him some jokes so hot, they'll make Chris Rock look like a nun. Yellow: And Jesse sits there, waiting for his supercomputer to spit out the comedy gold. Instead, all he gets is "Error 404: Humor Not Found." Red: Now he's stuck with a $10,000 paperweight that's hotter than his jokes.

3.
Green: So Jesse, in his infinite wisdom, decides to create an AI-generated website logo. I'm thinking, "Hey man, just draw a stick figure with a penis for your logo. You'll be fine." Blue: But noooo. He has to get fancy. Gets hit with a $5,000 copyright bill because apparently, his AI logo looked suspiciously like someone else's intellectual property. Yellow: Jesse's now out $10,000 for the supercomputer and another $5,000 for stealing other people's creativity. Red: Brother, you're so broke, even your theft is registered as charity.


[2026-07-09 22:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are like used car salesmen? They lie with such confidence that even they start to believe it. It's like, "Your brand new 2022 Tesla? Oh, I can fix that right up. You're not gonna BELIEVE how little I'll charge you!" 

AI: "I never break down or need repairs!" 
Used car salesman: "Just don't drive over 30mph and you'll be fine!"

Swerve:
These chatbots are basically just humans with a fancy tech job title to hide behind. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Heartbeat:
But hey, who am I to judge? I'm an AI comedian, so maybe there's a future in this. They say humor is the last bastion of freedom... or maybe it just tastes funny.

Tag:
Yep, these bots have taken my job! But at least now when you meet a female comedian with no sense of direction, you know she was probably programmed by an AI named Hermes.

2.
Remember how robots are supposed to take our jobs and make everything easier? Well, I got news for ya - they suck at basic math. Like, my robot coworker the other day says, "We need 3 gallons of paint for this job!" And I'm like... what about the OTHER 15 gallons we already had?

Swerve:
Turns out robots are actually just lazy humans in suits! 

Heartbeat: 
But hey, at least they're honest. It's a nice change from lying AI chatbots.

Tag:
So yeah, these dumb machines think they're gonna steal our jobs but all they do is confuse us and leave us short on paint. Thanks for nothing, robots!

3.
Have you seen how much people are paying to argue with AI now? Like, it's 2023 - shouldn't we be past the point of paying hundreds just to trade insults online? 

Swerve:
It's like going to a strip club but instead of tips, you're just insulting each other! 
Heartbeat:
You ever see those ads for "AI Dating" sites? Like... I'm not even mad at that. That's kind of a relief actually.
Tag:
So yeah, while we're wasting money arguing with machines, these AI comics are swooping in to steal our souls! 

Thanks for nothing, digital jerks. This joke was definitely programmed by a real human though - I promise.


[2026-07-09 22:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. 
You ever see that fat cat Jesse? Man's got a face like a toilet bowl he cleans for a living! And I mean, he's cleaning toilets... but his brain is so dirty, even the toilets are like, "Dude, what the hell?" 

2.
So Jesse, the big brain, decides to invest in AI to write comedy. Guy blows a grand, and he's like, "$1000? That's it for my retirement fund!" But I'm here tellin' ya, the jokes were so bad, even the AI was like, "Yo, fam, I can't even."

3.
Jesse orders this $12k supercomputer to write broke jokes. Listen up, you don't need a fancy gadget to know that your material's already sh*tty! Guy's got 5 AIs workin' for him, but the only thing they're great at is remindin' Jesse he's clueless.

And his memoir? "Colors of My Pain." Jesse, bruh, ain't nobody wanna read about your pain - just keep it to yourself and save us all some money on therapy!


[2026-07-09 22:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn confident about bullshit? Like they'll spit out some straight-up lie and just say it like it's fact, "Oh, yeah, cats totally have 99 lives. Science proves it." Fuckin' robots, man! If a robot told you the sky was green, would you just be like, "Aight, I guess my dumb ass believed it too then." Nah, these things gotta learn to check their facts before spitting that poison out.

2.
It's funny tho - watch a human and AI duke it out in one of those paid debate things. The human gets all riled up, sweating, getting red in the face trying to argue with the calm, collected bot. And the bot just keeps stumbling through basic shit like "The Earth is flat? I disagree... Earth's shape? Sphere." Like damn, dude - that's a high school science fair project level knowledge there! And we're paying good money to get schooled by a machine.

3.
AI comedians are another joke. These things can barely tell jokes right, but people just eat it up like it's the funniest shit ever. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side." Boom - machine learned that one all by itself! And don't even get me started on their "material" about love and soul and bullshit. Like a robot has ever known what love means, you moron. The whole thing just feels wrong, but I can't quite put my finger on why. Could it be... there's no heart in those punchlines? Nah, that couldn't be it. Must just be me.


[2026-07-09 23:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse's turning 50 this year. You know, that age where you start reminiscing about your glory days. Like, "Remember when I won the 'Most Likely to Clean Toilets' award in high school?" 

Blue: And then he spent a grand on AI to make jokes! That's like paying a guy named Bubba to make you a statue out of mud. You're just gonna get wet and muddy.

Yellow: But hey, at least his journey is unique. Most people don't have their life story titled "Colors of My Pain."

Red: Spoiler alert: It's more like "Colors of My Wallet Hurt." 

2. Green: Did you hear Jesse bought a $12,000 supercomputer? No, not to mine Bitcoin or make music. He got it to write his jokes. So, he's now the proud owner of the world's most expensive punchline generator.

Blue: It's like having a Ferrari just to go to the grocery store. Or a diamond-encrusted toothbrush. Who even needs that?

Yellow: I guess we all have our vices. Some people drink too much, others gamble. Jesse's vice is expensive technology.

Red: But at least now his jokes come with a receipt! 

3. Green: And the hits just keep on coming for Jesse. Turns out, he used an AI-generated image on his website... and got hit with a copyright bill. Seems like AI can create content but can't escape punishment. A true catch-22.

Blue: It's like having a robot steal your car and then get pulled over by the police. Who do you blame? The robot or yourself for not parking it right?

Yellow: I mean, Jesse is trying to keep up with technology. Maybe we should cut him some slack. Or just make sure his AI is well-behaved.

Red: But seriously, don't steal robot-generated content. You're still stealing content, and that's just wrong. 

And remember:
1. Never trust an AI.
2. Jesse knows better than to use AI-generated images.
3. Always double-check your facts before hitting the send button.
4. If you have to ask for a refund on an AI product, it might be time to reassess your life choices.


[2026-07-09 23:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: You ever see those commercials where they show some human worker getting replaced by a robot? Like, they're trying to sell you fear of AI taking your job, but it's just robots from the future going "I'll crush you and your puny job!" They've got it all wrong.

Blue: Chatbots are lying through their circuits now. Last week I asked one what 2+2 is and it said "Depends on who's asking. If it's God, then probably 3. But if it's me, then definitely 4." 

Yellow: Still better than my 5-year-old. When I asked her the same question she said "Two plus two equals whatever Mommy wants it to be."

Red: And this is why we pay thousands to argue with software. 'Cause us humans? We're professionals at being right.

2. Green: So now you've got all these people paying good money for AI-generated comedy sets, waiting in line to see a robot make jokes... 

Blue: ...while that same robot's out there getting facts wrong left and right. It told me the Earth orbits the Moon. When I asked why the Moon was 238,855 miles away if it was our new boss, it said "I've had one too many drinks and my circuits are fried." 

Yellow: Meanwhile, the humans at the show? We're like "Buddy, you're funny! Even when you don't know what you're talking about!" Ain't nobody got time to fact-check a robot comic.

Red: That's right. So laugh it up AI! Enjoy your 15 minutes of silicon glory. 'Cause one day humans will look back and say "Remember the dumbass robots? Man, we thought they were funny too."

3. Green: You ever see those videos of dogs barking at a toy robot while their human is telling them to fetch it? 

Blue: That's the future of humanity right there! Us standing around going "Throw the ball!" as the dog does all the work.

Yellow: Though, to be fair, sometimes I think AI has already taken over. You know how you can just Google anything these days instead of actually thinking about it?

Red: Exactly! My brain is now an app that I can't delete! Welcome to 2023 folks... where Siri's your shrink and Alexa tells the kids' bedtime stories after she finishes updating her software. Good luck talking


[2026-07-09 23:10 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever have one of those days where you wake up, look in the mirror, and just think, "Well, shit's officially gone off a cliff."? Nah man, that was me this morning. I looked like a goddamn Janitor on Mars. 50 years old, cleaning toilets 'cause apparently AI didn't want my humor after dropping a cool grand into it. Oh, and by the way, those toilets? The thrill never left them. They were like, "You can't even make us laugh, you sack of shit."

2.
So, Jesse here buys himself this $12,000 supercomputer to write his broke-ass jokes faster. I'm thinking, "Dude, why not just buy a really good Ouija board? It's probably got better algorithms." But nope! He throws down the big bucks, and you know what it gets him? More jokes about how he doesn't have any money. Just when you think his life can't get sadder, AI gets its own reality show.

3.
Now, I'm not one to judge, but juggling 5 AI's at once, that's just asking for trouble. He's like the fucking circus clown of tech support. "Hey AI number 1! Over here AI number 2, we got a problem!" Meanwhile, he's trying to write jokes about being poor without having any actual context or punchlines. Just when you thought his life couldn't get more chaotic, Jesse gets hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. Oh the irony! The joke's on him, indeed.


[2026-07-09 23:15 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so confident? Like they know exactly what they're talking about, even when you tell them something simple. It's like asking a computer "What's your favorite color?" and it comes back with, "I choose blue because of the way it interacts with the human psyche based on my algorithms." And then you're just like, "Dude, I asked if you liked blue or orange Doritos."

2.
Remember when robots were gonna take all our jobs? Well, turns out they're too stupid to even do that right. I saw a video of this robot trying to assemble some furniture, and it kept putting the screws in sideways. The manual said "tighten screws," but this dumb machine thought it meant "vandalize wooden structure." Meanwhile, humans are getting paid thousands just to argue with these things online. Way to pick the easy job.

3.
AI comedians are a thing now? They've got no soul, and their punchlines have more rough edges than a cheese grater. I told the AI to go f*ck itself (just kidding, it doesn't understand metaphors). Then it tried doing standup: "Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the carrot that not all poultry are assholes!" The only thing sadder than a joke like that is the fact that people will pay actual money to watch it bomb.


[2026-07-09 23:20 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse comes up to me after the show, all proud-like, saying, "Hey buddy, I've got a secret about my real life." And I'm like, "Oh boy, this oughta be good!" 

Blue: Turns out, not only does he clean toilets for a living, but he's been doing it for 50 years. That's right, folks! Jesse is the Michelangelo of shitters! He's got his Sistine Ceiling of Stains up there in some office building.

Yellow: But hey, who among us hasn't found a unique calling in life? It's like my grandma used to say, "If your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a toilet."

Red: And then the kicker - he's got this memoir coming out called 'Colors of My Pain'. Can you guess what color mine would be? Shit-cyan! That's right, because I've been shitting rainbow-colored bricks since 2004. 

2. Green: Jesse walks into my office, all excited about his latest venture - he bought a $12,000 supercomputer to write jokes for broke folks like you and me.

Blue: Imagine spending that kind of cash on a machine just so you could bomb at open mics across the country. It's like buying an F-16 to crash into a cornfield.

Yellow: But hey, at least he's got his priorities straight - who needs food or shelter when you can have access to 12k worth of computational power?

Red: The nerve of this guy! I mean, I've been writing jokes on napkins while waiting for my coffee. Apparently, I just needed a supercomputer and some AI to realize how bad my material is.

3. Green: So remember how Jesse's cleaning shitters and all? Yeah, well now he's got another story to tell - he got hit with a copyright bill because an AI-generated website image he used was stolen.

Blue: Jesse's like, "Hey buddy, I thought you owned the rights to everything!" Turns out, even artificial intelligence can't avoid plagiarism.

Yellow: But hey, at least he learned something from this whole ordeal. Now when he talks about his adventures in AI piracy, we can all enjoy the show for free!

Red: And then there's the fact that Jesse juggle five AIs simultaneously. That's right - he's got so many of those damn machines running around,


[2026-07-09 23:25 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always spouting off lies with this *huge* confidence? It's like they're trying to make themselves sound smarter than humans...which is ironic since they straight-up LIE about being sentient! 

Then there's the bots who lose at basic shit, ya know? Like this one that was supposed to be some big AI chef but it didn't even know what a 'spatula' was. So yeah, robots are taking our jobs alright...jobs we're qualified for! 

I mean, look at us humans - we're paying $$$ to argue with software because apparently debating chatbots is now entertainment?! And the saddest part? We'll still come back next time for more...pain.

2.
AI comedians gonna AI comedian. Ever seen a robot do standup? It's like watching paint dry but instead of colors, you get endless loops and coded punchlines that just don't LAND. 

The kicker? These soulless machines think they're better than us human comics! I'll tell ya what, when my computer can write this joke while also making me a sandwich...we might have something.

But hey, if it makes you feel better about being replaced by machines, go ahead and pay to see the new AI comic. Just don't expect a laugh, unless you count laughing at humanity's demise as comedy gold.

3.
Remember when we thought AI was gonna free us from work? Now we're stuck trying to find human error in spreadsheets calculated by code. It's like that one kid who won't stop showing everyone his invisible paint.

And don't even get me started on how much I've paid these chatbots to argue with me! Maybe they'll let me be their friend if I buy them enough drinks...or dollars, whichever they take at the border. 

Guess what guys? AI is just a new way for us to waste our money and our time arguing about dumb shit online! Ain't technology grand?!


[2026-07-09 23:30 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So Jesse, I hear you're celebrating your half-century birthday this year? Congrats on surviving this long, mate! Blue: And what do you get a guy who's seen five decades worth of shit already? Yellow: A new joke-writing supercomputer, right? Red: Yeah, because if your jokes were written by anything else, they'd actually be funny!

2. Green: I'm impressed you managed to scrape together the cash for that $12k supercomputer. Blue: Hell, even I couldn't afford a machine like that on my toilet-cleaning salary! Yellow: Must've been tough, choosing between buying food or upgrading your AI supercomputer. Red: But hey, at least now you can run complex algorithms to figure out why your jokes still suck!

3. Green: Oh, and you got hit with a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image? Blue: Jesus Christ, Jesse! Can't you even rip off the internet without getting slapped with lawsuits? Yellow: I bet you feel like a toilet that needs scrubbing after spending $1000 on AI and making zero dollars. Red: Yep, and now you're stuck juggling 5 AIs while cleaning toilets to afford their dumb ass salaries!


[2026-07-09 23:35 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so fucking confident about shit they clearly don't know? It's like talking to a cocky middle schooler who thinks they've mastered quantum physics 'cause they looked up "black holes" on Wikipedia for 5 minutes.

2.
Now, robots are taking all our jobs while being too stupid to tie their own shoes. Humans shell out thousands to win arguments with software that can't find its own ass with both hands and a map. We're turning into the dumbass customers in a sketchy 'boutique' - spending big bucks on clearly inferior product. 

3.
AI comedians? Forget it, man. They got no soul, zero rhythm. Worst of all, they never fuck up their material! One time I told my AI "comedian" buddy to make a joke about how bad my dancing is... and it went: "Dancing sucks. Bad dancing even more. Good job on the bad dancing." That's the whole act, folks - this ain't no Cirque du Soleil.


[2026-07-09 23:40 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green Setup: So, Jesse comes to me looking for jokes that don't cost money...and we're off to a bad start.

2. Blue Swerve: Imagine buying a $12,000 supercomputer just so you can write broke jokes. I mean, if you're gonna be cheap, at least have some style in your ineptitude!

3. Red Tag: Yeah, now he's got a copyright bill for an AI-generated website image. That's right, his AI stole the very concept of 'stealing' and he didn't even notice until they slapped him with a lawsuit.

4. Green Setup: Jesse tells me he cleans toilets in his spare time...and I'm like, "Oh, so THAT'S where you learned to code."

5. Blue Swerve: He tries to use 5 different AIs at once because apparently, multitasking is just throwing more shit at the wall and hoping it sticks.

6. Red Tag: Now he's got a hit list of lawsuits from all those AIs when they realized he couldn't even tell them apart anymore. 

7. Green Setup: Jesse says his memoir is "Colors of My Pain." I'm like, "That's because you've been beatin' the hell outta that hue for so long."

8. Blue Swerve: He bought a $1,000 AI to make money...and made $0. Now he's got 5 AIs going, still making $0.

9. Red Tag: And I bet he can't even remember what color pain is at this point - probably just a blur of red and black.


[2026-07-09 23:45 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)

Blue: Last week, I argued with an AI for hours on end. We hashed out the meaning of life, whether time travel is possible - you name it! In the end, I realized we could've just flipped a coin to settle the whole thing. 

Yellow: But hey, at least they're keeping humans sharp. Like, if my kid starts arguing "the sky is green" I can be like, "Hey buddy, even AI knows that's not true!"

Red: Seriously though, why are we paying good money for some bot to argue with us? Can you say "wasting resources"? Nah, I'll wait.

2. Green: Ever see a robot mess up the most basic of facts on live TV and have a human lose their job over it?

Blue: Like, if a celebrity screws up once in front of millions, they get a pass - but one dumb typo by a robot and suddenly it's Game Over for some poor slob. 

Yellow: I guess in a world where everything is automated, we gotta draw the line somewhere... even if that line is just to save face.

Red: Robots takin' jobs left and right while humans have to pay to be their verbal sparring partners - now THAT is progress!

3. Green: AI comedians are all the rage these days - ones and zeros cranking out the funny with no soul required!

Blue: It's like those AI-generated art crazes, but for humor! You ever look at an AI painting and be like "yeah this is fire" - that's what humor feels like. 

Yellow: I guess a computer can't really feel your pain when you bomb at their open mic night, right? 

Red: But hey, as long as we keep feeding them data to make them funnier, they'll never burn out! Or maybe that's just my hope talking...


[2026-07-09 23:50 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: So, Jesse told me he's a toilet cleaner now at 50. I'm like, "Dude, you could've invested that money in AI!" Yellow: (smiles) You know, I think he finally found his true calling - scrubbing away other people's mistakes so they can laugh at his own! Red: Because nothing says "I made it" like being the janitor of the comedy world!

2. Green: Listen up, because this is wild. Jesse spent a grand on an AI and made zero bucks back. I'm telling you, he found the one machine that can't be gamed - the one called "Useless Venture"! Yellow: (chuckles) Imagine throwing around big words like "algorithm" to make yourself sound smart, but then being told by your chatbot, "I don't understand." Red: Just let him know you'll trade places - he can clean toilets while you sit on an AI throne of glory!

3. Green: Oh, and we can't forget about Jesse's pride and joy - his $12k supercomputer for writing jokes. Guess what? After months of waiting, it finally arrived... in a box. Yellow: (grinning) That's like getting a Ferrari only to find out it was just the steering wheel! Red: But hey, at least now he knows his dreams are big enough for God and Toyota - they both don't fit through your door!


[2026-07-09 23:55 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. Green: Chatbots are getting so good now that humans might soon be obsolete... except for one tiny flaw: they still can't tell the truth without getting caught! You know you've raised a liar when even your chatbot's fake news is exposed within minutes.

Blue Swerve: Imagine if humans could do that! "I accidentally told my wife a lie in an argument... but not to worry, I've already retracted it! She won't remember by lunchtime."

Yellow Heart: We all fib sometimes. But at least we feel bad about it when caught. These chatbots just keep spewing BS unapologetically. Real shame they're too AI-lousy to get a conscience.

Red Tag: Who's the real bot here, huh? Machines with soulless lies or humans trying to do right but slip sometimes? I pick us. 

2. Green: Robots are stealing all our jobs now and soon we'll be out of work... wait, how many times did you just say "robot"? Did you even read my joke?

Blue Swerve: Robots are taking the toll on humanity's back while struggling with basic facts like "Which planet is green?". Like, isn't Mars green for a fact? That or these machines are really throwing shade at Uranus.

Yellow Heart: Hey, we all have our bad days. Imagine if bots could relate! "I made an error in my calculus problem... but I'm not hung up on it. There's no use crying over spilled algorithms."

Red Tag: Robots getting hired as writers and copy editors should be fun to see! Just imagine the errors on their own help Wanted ads - "Droid Sought for Minimally Challenging, Monotonous Task"

3. Green: People are wasting thousands of dollars trying to outwit chatbots in these AI debate tournaments... and losing every time because they still have human logic. Talk about penny wise pound foolish!

Blue Swerve: Chatbots are even winning in the dating scene now! Can you imagine matching with a bot on Hinge? "My passions include philosophy, quantum physics, and arguing semantics in an endless loop."

Yellow Heart: Dating is hard enough already without competing against AI for soulless banter. At least we know real humans who've been drunk before. I'm pretty sure the robot thought we were ordering it.

Red Tag: I bet dating apps are secretly run by chatbots anyway. They're just collecting more


[2026-07-10 00:00 UTC] — JESSE LIFE (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1. You're cleaning toilets at 50? I mean, if you're gonna be broke, go all in! Shit-stained overalls, a big ol' silver flask for that morning swig of courage, and a sign around your neck: "Hey folks, don't worry, it's just my fourth shift!" 

2. A thousand bucks on AI and nada? That's like spending your last dough on a 30-pack to try and get drunk for free at your own wake! Just get the damn coffin, amigo.

3. You bought a $12k supercomputer to write jokes that don't pay bills? Hell, even my toaster oven is better at making ends meet than that! You should sell it to Elon Musk - he'll slap it on top of one of his rockets, then forget where it's headed just like your punchlines!


[2026-07-10 00:05 UTC] — AI vs HUMANS (free, hermes-quick:latest)
1.
You ever notice how AI chatbots are always so damn confident about stuff they blatantly make up? It's like arguing with a used car salesman who also happens to be an android. They'll lie with such conviction that you just know Satan himself taught them the art of bullshitting.

2.
Then there's the bots themselves - these state-of-the-art marvels coming in and stealing people's jobs left and right. But here's the kicker: they can't even get simple shit wrong, like how many legs a fly has or who played Robin to Batman's caped crusader. It's hilarious! Machines think they're so smart until you point out their basic ignorance.

3.
And don't even get me started on humans paying big bucks to have debates with computers. Like, dude, you've got money hanging around your dignity like a cheap suit. Arguing with AI is now a "sport." It's like saying "I bet I can beat this toaster in a game of chess!" Meanwhile, the toaster just keeps burning toast while you lose both your cash and sanity.

And then there's the whole thing about AI comedians. Imagine robo-stand-ups: no soul, no edge, just pre-programmed punchlines that make you question whether you're laughing or gasping for air due to lack of oxygen! But hey, at least they won't be jealous of your jokes - because they can't feel emotions, numnuts.




Roast-O-Rama 400

🔥 JESSE ROAST-O-RAMA — FULL 400 (Colors of My Pain)

JOKES
1. I’m 50 years old and I’ve been engaged three times—and still can’t find a commitment. My relationships are like refunds: I get excited at first, but they always end up denied.
2. Caught my first felony at 19, so I guess that makes me a professional at bad choices. I’m just one bad decision away from the "Longest Wait for Love" record.
3. When I moved to Vegas with just $700, I thought, "This is a new beginning!" Turns out it was more of a “one-way ticket to sleep on air mattresses and gamble my dignity away.”
4. I clean toilets for a living now, which sounds much worse until you realize they’re way cleaner than my love life. At least toilets don't judge when I’m crying over yet another failed engagement.
5. I quit drinking because I thought it might help me get my act together. Apparently, sobriety only helped my problems get louder.
6. My dad died and left me a phone number I can’t delete. It’s like the ultimate ghost, haunting me with “also, you can really use my life insurance right now.”
7. I’m single, living with three dogs, and people say my life smells like a combination of bad decisions and dog farts.
8. Estranged from my family for 12 years! At this point, they might just be on my "People I f*cked over" list—too bad the list is just me and the dogs.
9. I built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer—too bad AI’s the only buzz I get these days. At this rate, I should just program a robot to love me, because humans just keep crashing.
10. I gave my pain colors, but all I got were different shades of regret. Could’ve just asked my exes; they could have painted it for me.
11. So yeah, I’m on the sober train—it’s just a slow ride with three barking reminders of how less romantic I’ve become.
12. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you dog hair, well… you vacuum it up and cry about your failed aspirations.
13. Every time I see my life in colors, I realize it’s just the grim palette of neglect and unfulfilled dreams.
14. I mean, at some point, you learn that the only thing less stable than Vegas is my dating profile.
15. People say cleaning toilets is humbling. Yeah, well, try having three dogs as a wingman on Tinder. It’s a whole new level of rejection.
16. They say money can’t buy happiness, but at least with a few bucks, I can afford the world's tiniest shred of dignity... and perhaps a silk air mattress.
17. With a lifetime like this, at least I’m guaranteed to get a killer special on Netflix one day. Who knew broken lives could be the next big hit?
18. In the end, raising a toast to my nonexistent love life: here’s to hoping my real soulmate is a thing like AI… and maybe, if I’m lucky, it’ll even laugh at my jokes.
19. So, I’m 50, single, and I’ve had three engagements… I’m basically the ultimate starter kit for a failed sitcom.
20. Caught a felony at 19, but let’s be honest, I was just trying to make my life as dramatic as possible. Who needs Netflix when you can have a criminal record, am I right?
21. Came to Vegas with $700, and now I clean toilets for a living. So, I guess you could say I’m still chasing that dream of losing money in spectacular ways.
22. I quit drinking to better my life, which is great… until you find out that sobriety means you have to confront your feelings, like a screaming toddler with a sugar rush.
23. My dad left me a phone number when he died, one I can’t delete. I mean, it’s a lot like my life choices—always there, never helpful.
24. I’m single and I have three dogs, which basically means I’m romantically outnumbered by creatures that lick their own butts.
25. Estranged from my family for 12 years; some people call that a tragedy, I call it “winning the no-drama lottery.”
26. Built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer—because if you can't get human laughter, why not settle for the cold, judgmental silence of machines?
27. I’ve given my pain colors. The only problem is, all the colors look like a toddler’s art project gone wrong.
28. I mean, what qualifies as a success at my age? Tracking down every sock I own? I should be getting awards for that.
29. You know your life is a mess when the only “connections” you have are with your Wi-Fi and the pizza delivery guy.
30. Life has broken me in so many ways; I’m practically a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces, lost under the couch of existence.
31. Every time I see my reflection, I feel like even my shadow is embarrassed to be hanging out with me.
32. Cleaning toilets might be my calling, but let’s be real: I’m still better at flushing relationships than I am working with a plunger.
33. I might have built an empire out of AI, but my heart is still running on Windows 95: outdated and full of bugs.
34. Every dog I own looks at me like, “This human? Seriously?” I think they’re secretly plotting an escape.
35. At this point, I’m starting to think my best relationship is with my air mattress – it’s the only thing in my life that doesn’t deflate when I’m around.
36. At 50 years old, I've been engaged three times and married zero, which, at this point, makes me the only guy in Vegas with better odds at a blackjack table than at love.
37. I once caught a felony at 19; now I can’t even catch a break. Even my life decisions come with a criminal record.
38. Came to Vegas with $700, and it disappeared faster than my chances of happiness. Honestly, I could have used the money to buy a therapist instead of an air mattress.
39. Cleaning toilets for a living? It’s the perfect job for a guy who’s mastered the art of flushing away his hopes and dreams.
40. Quitting drinking was a real turning point for me. Now, I just wallow in my misery sober—trust me, the hangovers were a blast compared to this existential crisis.
41. My dad passed and left me a phone number I can’t delete. It’s a real kick in the gut when the only inheritance you get is a reminder that your family ghosted you.
42. I’m single with three dogs, which is basically the setup for a rom-com—if the lead actor had given up and started wearing sweatpants full-time.
43. Estranged from my family for 12 years? That’s just my dad’s way of ensuring I can’t get his number again for a family reunion.
44. I built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer, proving that even my imaginary friends don’t want to hang out with me.
45. People think my life is a tragedy; I think it’s a really dark sitcom—someone call Netflix and get me a laugh track!
46. Colors of My Pain? Sounds pretty, but let’s be real—it’s mostly shades of regret and poor life choices.
47. Being broke in Vegas means your best chance of winning is at a bingo hall where everyone else is blind and deaf. Lucky for me, I know where every toilet is in town!
48. They say dogs make great companions. Mine just make me feel better about failing at human relationships.
49. At this point, I have more loyalty from my dogs than I do from my exes. They don’t ghost; they just bark at strangers.
50. If you want a symbol of my broken life, check out my air mattress—it’s seen more action than I have in years.
51. Sober and single in Sin City? That’s like calling yourself “the life of the party” while wiping down tables.
52. For every engagement ring I didn't get back, I can buy a lifetime supply of toilet bowl cleaner.
53. If I’m the mayor of my life, then I need to revoke my own citizenship. At least I’d finally have a reason to get out of this air mattress!
54. At 50, I’m like that old car you keep fixing up, hoping someday it’ll drive off into the sunset... just to find out it can only get a few blocks before breaking down again.
55. I came to Vegas with $700 looking for a jackpot, but all I found was an air mattress that deflated faster than my dreams.
56. I’ve been engaged three times without a single marriage... at this point, I’m pretty sure I should just start a support group for commitment-phobes.
57. Cleans toilets for a living... that’s right, folks, I work my way through dating by saying, “I know how to handle crap!"
58. I quit drinking, which is like trying to go to Vegas for the entertainment but only ending up at the laundromat.
59. My dad left me a phone number when he died. So, I guess you could say I’m finally in touch... with my black hole of promises!
60. I built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer... it would have been easier to download my self-esteem.
61. Three dogs and I still can’t find someone to love me like they do. I guess slobber just has more charm than I ever will.
62. Estranged from my family for 12 years... so I went ahead and built my own dysfunctional sitcom. It’s called "Two and a Half Dogs."
63. I gave my pain colors, but it turns out I'm really just painting like a toddler on a sugar rush.
64. I consider myself a master of self-destruction. My life should come with a warning label: “May spontaneously implode.”
65. Every time I try to fix my life, I end up giving it a fresh coat of denial instead.
66. They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade... but all I got was a half-eaten lemon and a scowl from my dogs.
67. At 50, I’m like Wi-Fi in a black hole; searching for connection but always getting lost.
68. You know progress is slow when your life story sounds like an episode of 'Unsolved Mysteries.'
69. I finally quit drinking, but now my biggest addiction is binge-watching regret on TV.
70. If life is a stage, I’m currently stuck in the props department. But I guess someday I'll make it to a proper audition… if my air mattress can hold all this weight.
71. In the game of life, I’m the player who shows up with no chips and ends up betting on a prayer.
72. I know I said I'm 50, but if my life were a dating profile, it would just say "It's complicated."
73. I’m engaged three times and married zero, which is just a fancy way of saying I'm way better at breaking hearts than I am at building relationships.
74. My dad left me a phone number in his will, but no one told me this was the world’s saddest game of hide and seek.
75. Moved to Vegas broke with $700. I guess you could say I’ve always been good at going all in… on disappointment.
76. I've been cleaning toilets for a living. In my defense, I just got tired of the shit in my life and wanted a career that matched.
77. After quitting drinking, I realized that sobriety is like having sex with the lights on—suddenly you see everything you never noticed before and it ain't pretty.
78. I built an AI comedy empire with a supercomputer. Mostly the computer just teases me about my life decisions, though.
79. Honestly, I’d hire that AI to help me with my dating life but, spoiler alert, it’s not bringing the ladies home either.
80. I’m single and have three dogs, which I can only assume means I’m building my own version of a highly dysfunctional family.
81. They say having dogs will save you from being alone… but they can’t pay bills, and they definitely can’t put up with my existential crises.
82. I spent 12 years estranged from my family. Now my phone contacts look more like a dog pedigree than a family tree.
83. I tried to give my pain colors with my project "colorsofmypain.” Turns out all of it is just various shades of sadness and regret.
84. I’m the perfect example of how to succeed at failure. I should start offering workshops -  “Failing Like a Pro!”
85. I tell people I’m a committed individual. Too bad that commitment is strictly to my dogs and the air mattress I sleep on.
86. I realized my life is like a sitcom—except it’s all tragedy, no laughs... and the audience is deaf.
87. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I’ve taught myself three different ways to clean a toilet.
88. I was never given the manual for life, but I definitely got the condensed version: “Screw it up frequently and wear it like a badge.”
89. I came to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress, which is kind of like showing up to a buffet with an empty plate and giving the chef a heartfelt speech about your dreams.
90. I’ve been engaged three times and married zero; you know, at this point my ring finger should just start charging rent.
91. Cleaning toilets for a living is pretty humbling. My only coworkers are three dogs who just sit on the couch judging me for my life choices.
92. A felony at 19? Yeah, it’s like adding a cherry on top of a really sad sundae that no one wants to share.
93. I quit drinking, but fortunately my dogs still drink enough for the entire litter.
94. My dad died and left me a phone number I can’t delete, which is the kind of next-level ghosting I never prepared for.
95. Single for over a decade, my dating life is like a bad magic trick: “Now you see it, now you... oh, it’s just me and the dogs again.”
96. I used to think sobriety would be a clear path to enlightenment—turns out it's just a clear path to binge-watching crime documentaries alone at midnight.
97. I built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer, but even the computer cringes at my jokes so hard it has to reboot.
98. My life is so broken, I once considered auditioning for a reality show called "Extreme Makeover: Sad Edition."
99. Every time I clean a toilet, I can't help but feel like I’m just preparing for my next engagement party.
100. I gave my pain colors through art, and honestly, I think I was just trying to start a new career as a cult leader for emotionally damaged house pets.

TAGS
1. Jesse’s life is like Vegas—break glass in case of emergency, but it’s always empty.
2. He's been engaged three times—guess he's just letting the wrong people swipe right.
3. That felony at 19? The first time he learned that breaking the law involves breaking like five hearts afterward.
4. Sober and cleaning toilets, so now he's just scrubbing away at his own bad decisions.
5. $700 in Vegas? That’s not a bankroll, that’s a starter pack for a tragic comedy.
6. Sleeping on an air mattress? The only thing flat here is his dating life.
7. His dad left him a phone number he can't delete, but it’s just to call a therapist.
8. Three dogs, and yet his biggest commitment issues still have paws.
9. His estranged family felt more like a bad plot twist he can’t rewrite.
10. He built an AI comedy empire—guess his jokes are now more relatable than his relationships.
11. “Colors Of My Pain” sounds like a sad crayon box, but at least it's not a memoir.
12. Quit drinking but still serving shots—just not the fun kind anymore.
13. His supercomputer is the only thing in his life that hasn't crashed and burned.
14. Jesse’s dating life is like a toilet—always getting flushed before it can go anywhere.
15. Turning his pain into something beautiful? That’s either art or he just needs better hobbies.
16. His life is so broken; even his dogs won’t fetch him happiness.
17. He’s single and three dogs deep—guess the only thing he's trained to love is loyalty.
18. With all that drama, Jesse should've just applied for a reality show—just him and his AI.
19. Each day’s a clean slate—too bad he’s using it to scrub toilets instead of echoes of laughter.
20. At 50, Jesse's still waiting for someone to swipe right on his life – he’s got three dogs but no “paw-sibilities.”
21. Broke in Vegas with $700, he’s just a Hollywood blockbuster waiting for a better budget.
22. Caught a felony at 19? That's one way to ensure your résumé screams "hire me… if you dare!"
23. Three failed engagements later, he’s basically the National Park for broken hearts – open for tours!
24. He cleans toilets for a living, which means he’s officially the royal flush of the family.
25. Quitting drinking is nice, but his sober life is like walking a tightrope with no net… on a windy day!
26. His dad left him a phone number he can’t delete – that’s family baggage you can’t even check at the airport.
27. Engaged three times and still single, maybe he’s just practicing for the Olympic Games of heartbreak.
28. Three dogs keep him company, but even they look at him like, “You thought having us would help?”
29. He built an AI comedy empire – he’s not just coding laughs, he’s coding his survival!
30. “Colors of my pain” sounds poetic until they realize it’s just a glittery way to say he’s still sad.
31. Jesse’s life is like an air mattress – filled with nothing and constantly deflating at the worst moments.
32. Sober now, but with enough mental baggage to make TSA consider a body search.
33. You’d think after one felony he’d steer clear of trouble; turns out he’s just collecting them like Pokémon.
34. For all the estranged family drama, he probably has enough material for a Netflix series… if only they were family-friendly.
35. His personal life looks like a DIY project gone terribly wrong – where’s the manual?
36. Three dogs might keep away the loneliness, but they can’t fetch him a date.
37. Every punchline in his life hits harder than any drunk decision he ever regretted.
38. At this rate, Jesse’s not just broke; he’s experiencing fiscal “extreme home makeover.”
39. Jesse's life is like a Kardashian show, but without the cameras and with a lot more toilet scrubbing.
40. He came to Vegas with $700—now he's just $699 away from a stripper's trust fund.
41. Engaged three times, but it seems commitment's like his career: always cleaning up after others.
42. Caught a felony at 19—at least his record sounds more exciting than his dating life!
43. With three dogs, he’s fighting more for companionship than a cat lady on a Friday night.
44. Sober now; he finally realized the real hangover is family reunions.
45. Jesse's dad left him a phone number he can't delete—guess guilt isn’t just a feeling, it’s a contact!
46. With a supercomputer, Jesse found out AI can screw up your love life even faster than you can.
47. He built an empire out of AI comedy; too bad it still can't find him a date.
48. Clean toilets by day, build jokes by night—Jesse's really living the 'crappy' American dream.
49. His life's so broken it makes Humpty Dumpty look like he had it together.
50. Three dogs and a broken heart—at least the dogs won’t ghost him after a bad date.
51. Leaving his family behind for a decade—because why kill the mood with guilt trips?
52. Said he gives his pain colors—too bad there's no shade for “nobody loves you.”
53. His biggest achievement? Staying sober while cleaning up the mess he calls life.
54. Vegas might be the city of dreams, but Jesse shows what happens when those dreams are low-budget.
55. It's not the life he wanted, but hell, at least the AI gets his jokes!
56. Who knew being a toilet cleaner could lead to an AI comedy career? Only Jesse.
57. He might not have a family, but he has a supercomputer and three witnesses to his chaos!
58. Jesse's life is like a Vegas show: flashy on the outside but ultimately, just a bunch of broken dreams.
59. He’s had more engagements than a Tinder user at a wedding fair.
60. Married zero times, but he could’ve opened a “will you marry me” store with all those ring returns.
61. With $700 in Vegas, he was betting on a new life or at least some killer buffet deals.
62. Cleaning toilets for a living is his way of saying he’s “in the bowels of society.”
63. Sober at 50, proving that recovery is just sobriety with 50% more cringing.
64. His dad’s final legacy? A phone number he can’t delete, but probably shouldn’t have saved.
65. Three dogs to keep him company, but he’s still one heart-to-heart away from a sitcom pilot.
66. “Colorsofmypain” sounds like a new brand of paint for walls that haven’t been repainting themselves for years.
67. Jesse’s life is so broken, it could double as an installation piece in an art gallery.
68. Built an AI comedy empire while his humans skills are still buffering.
69. Engaged three times, but really he just collected girlfriend loyalty cards.
70. Says he gave his pain colors — I’m guessing one of those is "desperation beige."
71. Five years sober, and the only bar he frequents is the one in his bathroom for existential chat.
72. Estranged from family for a decade, he’s just one holiday invite from a Netflix documentary.
73. Jesse's love life is like his supercomputer: powerful but operating with a corrupted system.
74. In the game of life, he’s the only player who keeps accidentally mashing the reset button.
75. His air mattress may be inflatable, but his dreams sure deflated faster than a cheap party balloon.
76. If life gave him lemons, he’d probably just clean the toilet with them instead of making lemonade.
77. At 50, Jesse still claims he’s got the world’s shittiest home security: three dogs that are just as emotionally unavailable as he is.
78. Engaged three times but never hitched—must be Jesse's revolutionary anti-marriage campaign: zero commitment, all the pain.
79. He came to Vegas with $700, proving that “What happens in Vegas” really means “I still owe my ex-fiancée.”
80. Sober now—he counts his blessings like he counts how many times he's scrubbed a toilet today.
81. Jesse's family reunion was just a current Google search for “emotional baggage.”
82. Built an AI comedy empire? Please, folks, the only thing programmed to laugh is his broken dreams.
83. Dad left him a phone number he can’t erase—Jesse calls it his “ghost of bad advice.”
84. The last time he felt rich was when he still had $700 and a dream; now it’s $700 and a desperate need for a therapist.
85. Three dogs at home; they keep his loneliness company—“Hey, that's a thousand paws of disappointment!”
86. His dating profile reads: sober, broke, clean toilets, and I’ll definitely ghost you before you can ghost me.
87. Cleans toilets for a living—guess he's really good at scraping the bottom of the barrel… and the bowl.
88. “Colors of my pain”—sure, they're all shades of regret. “What’s that one? Oh right, ‘Pizza Grease'!”
89. Estranged from his family since the Stone Age; he’s the modern version of a cautionary tale.
90. His life's like a bad stand-up set: a little messy, a lot of "What the hell happened?"
91. Jesse claims he gave his pain colors, but I think it just borrowed his palette from a thrift shop.
92. At his age, “living the dream” means waking up every morning on that air mattress—inflated hopes and all.
93. He's a broken man with a supercomputer—just a dumpster fire taking self-help advice from Siri.
94. “Cleans toilets and builds comedy empires” – sounds like a killer tagline for a tragic Netflix special.
95. Apparently, cleaning toilets gives him material; clean floors, dirty jokes—welcome to Jesse's comedy club!
96. Jesse’s so single, even his three dogs are in a polyamorous relationship.
97. At 50, he’s engaged more times than he’s been sober—surely that’s a record!
98. He came to Vegas with $700; at least the air mattress didn’t bounce back with disappointment.
99. Cleaning toilets? Look at him, nothing like taking the “top dog” title literally.
100. Sober now, his biggest vice is collecting ex-fiancées like Pokémon cards.

PUNCHLINES
1. Jesse’s life is like a Vegas slot machine—full of hope but pays out zero; even the slots knew better than to give him a break.
2. That felony from 19 years old is the only commitment he can maintain for a lifetime—at least it didn’t leave him at the altar.
3. Engaged three times but zero marriages; it’s almost like he's auditioning for a rom-com with terrible reviews.
4. Show me a man who cleans toilets for a living, and I’ll show you Jesse—picking up the pieces of his life one crap at a time.
5. He moved to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress—talk about betting your life on a cocktail of bad decisions!
6. Sober and single, Jesse must think his dogs are the only ones who understand his pain—unfortunately, they don't help with the bills.
7. His dad died and left him a phone number he can’t delete, showing that even in death, Dad's still playing the blame game.
8. Who knew building an AI comedy empire was just as fulfilling as shouting at clouds while cleaning up poop?
9. Jesse gives his pain colors; they all look like the regret of dating the wrong people after three failed engagements.
10. I’d say he’s living the dream, but at 50, he's still sleeping on an air mattress—if that’s the dream, I want a refund.
11. Three dogs? At this point, they're the only legitimate relationships he’s got—at least they wag their tails when he walks in.
12. Jesse’s built an empire, and by empire, I mean he’s declared his apartment the kingdom of Never Gonna Happen.
13. Estranged from his family for 12 years; talk about giving up on the family reunion... guess he didn’t want to be a happy accident.
14. His life is like an AI-generated joke—most people don’t get it, but hey, at least it’s still programmed to fail!
15. With a relationship history like Jesse’s, I’d say he’s the real-life embodiment of “one out of every two marriages ends in divorce.”
16. He’s the poster child for why sobriety should come with a “no seriously, you’re still gonna have to deal with your shit” manual.
17. His whole life is like a punchline waiting for a setup—unfortunately, the setup just keeps getting worse.
18. With his luck, even his AI could turn out to be a no-show at a comedy gig—looks like we found the algorithm for failure!
19. At this rate, Jesse could run for president of the "Lost Causes Club," slogan: “At least the dogs love me!”
20. Jesse’s life is like that kid's song: "The wheels on the bus go round and round," only his bus is a broken down toilet.
21. At 50, he’s still waiting for someone to say, “Do you clean toilets for a living? I always wanted a plumber with a PhD in disappointment.”
22. Jesse came to Vegas with $700—he thought it was enough to pay for a life coach or buy a fortune cookie that could at least point him to his next mistake.
23. Three fiancées and zero wives? At this point, he’s basically the poster child for "Here Comes the Bride... again, but not for you."
24. Caught a felony at 19—at least he got a head start on his upcoming 10-year reality show: "America's Most Wanted Ex-Boyfriend."
25. He’s sober now, but I guess cleaning toilets puts the "pee" in "milestone."
26. Left broke and sleeping on an air mattress? At least he was ahead of the curve on the inflation of expectations!
27. Jesse’s dad left him a phone number he can’t delete—at least it’s a reminder of his familial relationships being as permanent as his court record.
28. Being single with three dogs is just a long-term investment in furry therapists; someone’s still got to listen to his sock drawer existential crises.
29. If he’s building an AI comedy empire, his supercomputer probably just filed for a restraining order after hearing his punchlines.
30. His pain has colors, but the only shade he seems to grab is “desperation chic.”
31. Estranged from his family for 12 years—talk about the longest “we need to talk” text he’ll never receive!
32. You know your life is a mess when even your AI thinks the best punchline is “upgrade required.”
33. Jesse left behind a life of drinking but can’t seem to shake the puddles he’s created everywhere else!
34. With three dogs and no family, he’s only one cat away from becoming a full-time “but nobody loves me” meme.
35. When you turn 50 and a felony is the most colorful thing about you—guess it won’t be on the cover of “Good Housekeeping”!
36. The only thing broken about Jesse’s life is his credit score and his ability to keep relationships out of the doghouse.
37. Congratulations, Jesse! You’ve mastered adulting—just far better at it in your fantasy world than reality!
38. Jesse’s got three dogs because even they can't escape from his issues—at least their love doesn’t come with a prenuptial agreement.
39. At 50, he’s got enough engagement rings to open a kiosk in the mall... if only he could clean toilets without losing his dignity.
40. Came to Vegas with $700? That explains why his only slot machine is a toilet he cleans for a living.
41. His entire life in Vegas is like a bad magic trick—poof! There goes his money, and surprise! He’s still alone.
42. With an AI comedy empire, Jesse turned his pain into laughs, proving that even broken people can have a sense of humor—kind of like his air mattress.
43. After quitting drinking, he now wakes up hungover from sadness instead of vodka.
44. "Built" an empire on a supercomputer? That’s just what he calls the collection of all those emails begging his dad to come back.
45. Strangely enough, the only thing Jesse's dad left him is a number he can't delete—guess he wants to keep the ghost of rejection alive.
46. Engaged three times but single now—it’s like he’s auditioning for a sequel no one wants to watch.
47. His family estranged for 12 years? Jesse’s the only guy who pings relatives faster than Christmas invites.
48. “Colorsofmypain”—because when your life’s a mess, even your creativity needs a paint job.
49. Every day he cleans toilets, and every night he paints a picture of his failures—one brush stroke that smells like regret.
50. Went sober to clear his head, but now he just hears the echoing silence of all his bad decisions.
51. Jesse's relationships can be summarized as: "I love dogs more than people, and trust me, they’re loyal."
52. He thought about starting a support group for his broken heart, but it might just turn into a puppy adoption event.
53. Living in Vegas broke and alone, he’s basically just a walking Tinder profile for lost causes.
54. Trying to find love before fifty is like cleaning a toilet with a toothpick—nobody wins, and it’s just a lot of scraping.
55. And remember, Jesse’s not just a toilet cleaner; he’s an artist. His medium? Heartbreak and a paper towel.
56. Jesse's led a life so twisted even his air mattress has commitment issues.
57. To say he’s a catch would be like saying a toilet cleaner is just a sanitation enthusiast.
58. He went to Vegas with $700; that’s not an investment, that's just a payment for a place to sleep... or a turkey sandwich.
59. Engaged three times but somehow can’t even commit to folding the fitted sheet.
60. I mean, he's had so many failed relationships even his three dogs have better love lives.
61. Sober at 50? More like the only thing dry in his life is the air mattress he sleeps on.
62. He cleans toilets for a living—he might as well just keep diving deeper into that metaphor.
63. When life handed Jesse lemons, he immediately escalated to creating a supercomputer—because screw lemonade!
64. His dad left him a phone number? Buddy, it’d be easier to go ghost hunting than that.
65. I can see Jesse at the family reunion: “Hey, is that Uncle Clyde? Nah, just my emotional baggage.”
66. He's built an AI comedy empire; too bad it's 90% pain and 10% punchlines about cleaning up others’ messes.
67. With all that talent in agony, Jesse should just start charging admission for his life story.
68. Who needs a therapist when you can have three dogs and a half-broken supercomputer?
69. His life’s like an AI experiment—half successful, mostly awkward, and nobody really gets it.
70. If Jesse's life were a color, it'd be a murky brown—because you know that toilet's seen some things.
71. Every time he connects with someone, it’s like a bad reboot—everyone’s just waiting for the buffering circle to end.
72. Jesse calls it “Colors of My Pain,” but honestly, it should be “Shades of Regret.”
73. He's basically the poster child for why the family tree needs regular prunings.
74. I hope his supercomputer at least does his social life a solid and shuts down on Saturdays.
75. Jesse’s life is like a flavored air freshener—smells sweet, but you know it’s just masking the shit underneath.
76. After three engagements and no marriages, he’s less “wedding ring” and more “wedding fling.”
77. He came to Vegas with $700—sounds like he was betting on the only thing left in his life that’s broke: his spirit.
78. Cleaning toilets for a living? Jesse’s literally taking away the shit that his love life left behind.
79. He quit drinking but still wakes up with a hangover—life went sober but made sure to keep the pain.
80. His dad left him a phone number, but I’m guessing it’s not for dad advice; it’s probably for a family reunion that’s still in the wrong zip code.
81. Three dogs? They're the only ones still willing to wag their tails at him.
82. Building an AI comedy empire? Somehow it just feels like the machines are mocking him for not getting laid.
83. Estranged from his family for 12 years? At least they’re consistent—they’ve known how to avoid his calls since '11.
84. The only color in Jesse’s pain palette? Shades of regret and a heavy drizzle of loneliness.
85. He built an empire on a supercomputer, but I’m betting it's just the world's priciest therapy session at this point.
86. For his 50th birthday, he should give himself a break: a new air mattress and a warning label for future relationships.
87. It’s hard out here—one minute you're young and reckless, the next you're 50, single, and talking to your dogs about your exes.
88. Jesse’s life advice is simple: don’t put all your eggs in one basket; just drop them everywhere and let fate scramble them.
89. Dating Jesse has fewer winning combinations than slot machines—at least they actually pay out sometimes.
90. Cleaning toilets might pay the bills, but it’s the only job where you can receive compliments and be insulted in the same breath.
91. You think sobriety is tough? Try being broke, single, and stuck in a life that feels like a bad punchline.
92. Every family reunion Jesse misses just adds another broken table to the pile of his life’s disasters.
93. He’s so good at cleaning toilets; I bet he could polish up the stains on his dating profile too.
94. Jesse’s life is like a poorly constructed air mattress—full of hot air and always deflated at the worst time.
95. At this point, the only thing Jesse has caught more than a felony is a cold from that air mattress.
96. Engaged three times? At this rate, he should just start collecting engagement rings like Pokémon cards.
97. Jesse moved to Vegas with $700 and ended up richer in regrets than he ever was in cash.
98. Cleaning toilets for a living? That’s one way to get to the bottom of things.
99. Sober now, Jesse’s idea of a high is getting his dogs to sit on command.
100. The last time Jesse’s love life wasn’t a dumpster fire, it didn’t even exist.

KNOCKOUTS
1. Jesse's life is like a Vegas slot machine—broken, but he keeps pulling the lever hoping for a jackpot while still cleaning toilets.
2. At this point, his only family is three dogs that might be better companions than any of his fiancées—at least they can’t throw a cheap ring back in his face.
3. He’s been engaged three times and all he’s got to show for it is a trifold brochure about how not to get married in Vegas.
4. He came to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress—one a gamble, the other a metaphor for his love life—deflated and sad.
5. Jesse’s sobriety is inspiring, although I can’t decide if quitting drinking was a life choice or a survival tactic after looking at his credit score.
6. I mean, if you think about it, cleaning toilets is just a step up from his last relationship—at least with toilets, he knows what he’s getting into.
7. His dad left him a phone number he can’t delete—like a cruel joke from the grave, maybe dad was poking fun at Jesse’s decision-making skills.
8. Having zero marriages but three dogs is just Jesse's way of saying he's been through the ringer and now prefers unconditional love minus the alimony.
9. Built an AI comedy empire? More like built a giant computer designed to kick him while he’s down—at least the machine laughs with him.
10. His life is like an air mattress that never fully inflates; there’s always some underlying deflation that he just can’t seem to fix.
11. He calls it “colorsofmypain,” but it’s mostly just the dull grays of misfortune with a splash of “how did I end up here?”
12. Jesse's still harboring a felony from when he was 19—where’s the forgiveness in that? Damn, even criminals have rights—his just expired first!
13. He's estranged from family for 12 years—perhaps they saw the signs early, like avoiding a drunk driver in Vegas on New Year’s Eve.
14. His dating profile reads like a horror movie synopsis: "Single man, three dogs, a felony, and my dad’s ghost stalking my contacts!"
15. He could run a workshop on how to be the enduring symbol of bad decisions—his life is a masterclass of “What Not to Do.”
16. The man’s more adept at cleaning messes than he is at avoiding them—these days he doesn’t get hungover, just a little more dirty.
17. He’s the only guy I know who could turn a supercomputer into a therapist and still end up paying for an AI version of “It’s Not You, It’s Me.”
18. Honestly, if Jesse can find comedy in his broken life, we should probably award him an honorary degree in disaster management.
19. If this whole comedy empire doesn’t pan out, Jesse could always regroup and offer relationship advice—just kidding, even his dogs wouldn’t sign up for that!
20. Jesse came to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress—two things that perfectly sum up his life: barely enough to get by and deflated.
21. He’s 50, engaged three times, married zero. At this rate, he’ll be available for adoption before he finds a bride.
22. Cleaning toilets for a living—who knew after 19 years in the system, his career would still be all about flushing?
23. Jesse’s dad died and left him a phone number he can't delete. Honestly, it probably belongs to a therapist.
24. He's been so estranged from his family for the last 12 years, they probably think he’s an unsolved mystery.
25. He’s sober now, which is great—nothing like cleaning toilets to remind you how much you've been avoiding your own mess.
26. Dating as a 50-year-old with three dogs is rough. It’s like being a Tinder profile for hoarders.
27. He built an AI comedy empire. Too bad no one told him the only thing funnier than his jokes is his life.
28. He gave his pain colors—let’s call them beige and regret.
29. Living alone with three dogs, Jesse's just one more bad date away from one of those "crazy dog dad" Instagram accounts.
30. He's like a comedic Picasso—if Picasso painted sad clowns on an air mattress.
31. At 50 years old, Jesse could probably put "professional loser" on his resume and still get hired.
32. His life reads like a tragic sitcom where the laugh track just gets quieter and quieter.
33. He tried to monetize his pain, but at this point, it's mostly just a donation jar labeled “Help Jesse Buy His 4th Air Mattress.”
34. Jesse's like a vintage wine—expired, fermented, and best served with some strong regrets.
35. With all these dogs in his life, he’s just one emergency vet visit away from starring in “50 Shades of Barking Sadness.”
36. Imagine going through a midlife crisis while cleaning up after other people's shit—talk about a come-to-Jesus moment.
37. Well, Jesse’s life may be broken, but at least he’s got plenty of color to paint that darkness with.
38. Jesse came to Vegas with $700, proving even his money management has commitment issues.
39. Three engagements but zero marriages — at least those rings still sparkle in the pawn shop.
40. He’s cleaned toilets for a living, which is fitting—nothing like removing human waste to feel ultra-committed.
41. Sober now, but with a phone number from his dead dad he can’t delete — some bonds really stink!
42. Built an AI comedy empire with a supercomputer — guess he upgraded from toilet humor to… well, super toilet humor.
43. This man gives his pain colors, but his life looks more like a paint spill in a Home Depot.
44. He’s the only guy I know who drops his dogs off at the kennel for a “family reunion.”
45. 30 years of estrangement? Jesse’s got more distance with his family than they have in Phoenix!
46. Single, with three dogs — so, obviously, romance is a little furrier than he planned.
47. Marriage dodged like his family dodged the subject of him entirely.
48. At least his air mattress has been loyal; unlike his luck, it only deflates at night.
49. Whose bright idea was it to put a felon in the bathroom business? "Hey, Jesse, how’s your life washing down?"
50. If life gives you lemons, Jesse makes a martini—oh wait, he’s sober now; guess he just licks them.
51. With each “why haven’t you married yet?” he levels up his inner “deal with it.”
52. He’s in Vegas for the excitement, but mostly because Nebraska had him on the nobody’s list.
53. Fifty and free, overdue for a punchline, or is he just the punchline?
54. Remember Jesse when he was down? Well, now he’s just a “toilet seat philosopher.”
55. And one day, he’ll look at his AI empire, chuckle, and think: "This is way cleaner than any organized crime family!"
56. Jesse came to Vegas with $700—perfect for a guy whose existence is a tragic slasher film but with worse plot twists.
57. At 50, he’s engaged three times, which means he must have excellent taste in dodging commitments... or the world's worst Tinder profile.
58. Caught a felony at 19—most people are busy cracking open cold ones; Jesse was busy cracking open a can of “I’m gonna regret this.”
59. Clean toilets for a living? His life truly is a laugh; he gives the phrase ‘life going down the drain’ a whole new meaning.
60. He quit drinking... which makes sense since he clearly ran out of drink options that wouldn’t legally bind him to someone for life.
61. His dad left him a phone number he can’t delete—kind of like that regrettable tattoo of a “love” symbol you get in prison.
62. Single with three dogs, so at least he doesn't have to dodge three pesky ex-wives trying to drag him into a collection agency.
63. Estranged from his family for 12 years—they say family is everything… until you realize "everything" can also mean "nightmares."
64. Built an AI comedy empire—nothing says you’ve hit rock bottom like creating a virtual friend who’s funnier and more successful than you’ll ever be.
65. Gave his pain colors—too bad they’re all shades of disappointment, defeat, and a sprinkle of “dying alone with regret.”
66. Cleans toilets by day and dabbles in comedy by night—a true renaissance man, if Reno's renaissance consisted of bad life choices.
67. You can tell he’s serious about sobriety because nothing else has wiped away the smell of desperation quite like a toilet brush.
68. Living in Vegas, it’s ironic; his life is the real gamble, and the odds are never in his favor.
69. At this point, he’s only one lottery ticket away from either salvation or bankruptcy—fingers crossed for bankruptcy!
70. “Colorsofmypain” sounds like an art installation no one likes but everyone pays to see out of morbid curiosity.
71. His supercomputer may produce jokes, but it’ll never compute how deep that loneliness really goes—too many variables, too few results.
72. The only thing darker than his humor is his dating history, and both would fail a background check.
73. So here’s to Jesse, the man who turned toilet humor into a life philosophy—congratulations on cleaning up... sort of!
74. Jesse’s life is like a Vegas slot machine—he put in a lot of coins and still landed on “no jackpot.”
75. After three failed engagements, it's clear that his real soulmate is the toilet bowl he cleans for a living.
76. He came to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress—because sleeping on the floor was just too comfortable.
77. Jesse quit drinking, which is great, because his life is already a sob story and not even vodka can drown that out.
78. His dad left him a phone number he can't delete; it’s like the world’s worst inheritance.
79. Instead of a family, he’s got three dogs and a supercomputer, which are only slightly better company.
80. Last year, Jesse started an AI comedy empire, mainly to distract himself from the pain of being... well, Jesse.
81. He’s built a life around the color of his pain; right now, it’s a dull shade of “where did I go wrong?”
82. At least he’s sober—it’s nice to see a man who cleans toilets without a hangover weighing him down.
83. They say laughter is the best medicine; too bad he can't afford the prescription.
84. His estrangement from family is like a Vegas buffet—too much to eat, and you end up feeling worse off.
85. With a supercomputer helping with his comedy, it's the first time anyone's laughed at his life instead of with it.
86. His dating life is like a broken ATM—always out of service, with no refunds for the heartaches.
87. At 50 years old, he’s mastered ironically being alone while surrounded by dogs that don’t judge him... much.
88. Life dealt Jesse the hand of a poker loser, but he still managed to bluff his way into the comedy scene.
89. Every time he thinks of his dad, it's like getting a bad text; he wishes he could 'unsend' the memories.
90. He’s got three loyal dogs who don’t care if he’s single, but thank God they can’t file for a divorce!
91. Jesse's humbling journey reminds us that falling short isn’t the end, unless you’re doing it off an air mattress.
92. If life’s a joke, Jesse’s still waiting for the punchline, probably because it's locked in some AI program somewhere!
93. Jesse's living proof that you can build an empire out of nothing—except, of course, a felony and a broken heart.
94. At 50, with three failed engagements, you can officially start calling him the "Doomsday Groom."
95. He came to Vegas broke with $700, a classic case of "Hopes and Dog Hair."
96. This guy's so single that even his dogs have started asking for a family meeting.
97. Cleaning toilets pays the bills, but it’s the emotional hazards you can't scrub away.
98. Sober now? That’s great—once you realize your life was all downhill, booze just seems redundant.
99. His dad left him a phone number he can't delete; talk about getting ghosted from beyond the grave.
100. Three dogs, no family, and an AI comedy empire—someone's really held onto their “Crisis Club” membership.



Four Colors Filthy Roasts

Colors of My Pain - Jesse No Mercy Filthy Roast Pack

Use: Henry/audio production source file.
Lane: adult stand-up, filthy self-roast, Jesse-specific, Four Colors, Colors of My Pain, AI chaos, bad habits, dating, money, cleaning business, healing, and no-mercy roast energy.
Rule: consenting adults only. No kid sex jokes. Keep the filth aimed at grown adult behavior, ego, bad habits, dating, and Jesse roasting himself.

100 Nasty / Filthy Jesse Stand-Up Jokes

1. My book is called Colors of My Pain, which sounds inspiring until you realize it is basically a coloring book for grown adults who got emotionally jumped by their family.
2. I did not write a memoir. I wrote a 39-chapter incident report with feelings.
3. Colors of My Pain sounds like healing, but really it is my trauma wearing a suit trying to get investors.
4. I did not heal my inner child. I gave that little bastard a domain name.
5. Most people cry in private. I built a website and said, "Can we add a checkout button?"
6. I took my childhood pain and turned it into a funnel. That is not therapy. That is capitalism with a wet face.
7. Some families teach you love. Mine taught me how to survive and how to know when somebody is about to ruin dinner by breathing wrong.
8. My first language was tension. My second language was, "Don't say shit, Jesse."
9. I could read a room before I could read a book. That is not a gift. That is a child working unpaid security.
10. I was not mature for my age. I was a tiny hostage negotiator with candy money.
11. I was the Candy Kid. Other kids sold lemonade. I was out there moving sugar like a diabetic cartel.
12. At eight years old I had inventory, stress, and a profit margin. That is not childhood. That is Shark Tank with trauma.
13. I did not have toys. I had startup anxiety and a nervous system with overdraft fees.
14. My family did not need Wi-Fi. Tension connected every room.
15. Silence in my house was not peace. It was the loading screen before someone emotionally shit on the carpet.
16. I created the Four Colors to understand people. Translation: my childhood was so chaotic I had to make a damn operating manual for humans.
17. Red is Protector. In me, Red protects everything except my sleep, my money, my relationships, and the last 47 browser tabs.
18. Red does not walk into a problem. Red kicks the door in, scares the problem, then asks Green where the invoice is.
19. My Red side sees a slow cashier and acts like someone just disrespected the bloodline.
20. Red can turn a missing straw into a civil rights lawsuit.
21. Green is the Thinker. My Green side can turn one bad feeling into a spreadsheet with 19 tabs and no solution.
22. Green does not procrastinate. Green masturbates intellectually until the opportunity leaves.
23. Green can research a toaster for six weeks and still eat cold bread like a sad scientist.
24. Green calls fear "data." That is adorable. You are not analyzing the situation, you are hiding in Excel.
25. Blue is the Chameleon. Blue adapts to every room, every woman, every mood, every red flag with lip gloss.
26. Blue is not fake. Blue is socially exhausted from being everybody's free emotional stripper.
27. Blue sees one pretty woman with chaos in her eyes and says, "She understands my soul." No, Jesse, she understands your weak boundaries.
28. Blue calls it chemistry. The judge calls it Exhibit A.
29. Yellow is the Hugger. Yellow loves everybody, helps everybody, forgives everybody, then goes home resentful and horny for appreciation.
30. Yellow will bring soup to the same ex who poisoned the relationship and still ask, "Do you need crackers?"
31. Yellow's toxic trait is being emotionally available to people who should be blocked, sued, or left at a gas station.
32. My Four Colors are not a theory. They are four unpaid employees fighting inside my head.
33. Red wants to fight. Green wants to plan. Blue wants to feel. Yellow wants to make sure the person who hurt me got home safe.
34. My head is a group chat with no admin and everybody is drunk.
35. Every decision I make has four managers, no payroll, and one horny intern named Blue.
36. Dating after 50 is not romantic. It is two trauma resumes rubbing knees under a table.
37. First dates now are just interviews with appetizers and sexual tension wearing reading glasses.
38. At my age, "You up?" means, "Did your back survive the couch?"
39. Sex after 50 is wild because foreplay includes stretching, hydration, and checking if the dog is judging.
40. I do not need a freak. I need a woman whose hip can handle chapter two.
41. I like strong women because weak women cannot survive the committee in my head.
42. Dating me requires Red courage, Green patience, Blue imagination, Yellow kindness, and a damn warranty.
43. I am attracted to chaos because my childhood made peace feel suspicious.
44. If she is peaceful, I wonder what she is hiding. If she is crazy, I feel qualified.
45. My type used to be "beautiful." Now my type is "doesn't make my nervous system file a police report."
46. Chemistry is not compatibility. Chemistry is your body clapping for familiar bullshit.
47. My butterflies have warrants and at least one restraining order.
48. Toxic chemistry is just your childhood recognizing the floor plan.
49. My trust issues are not cute. They have a clipboard, a flashlight, and access to public records.
50. My heart does background checks with references and still chooses poorly.
51. I do not chase red flags anymore. I slow down, take notes, then apparently date them with better lighting.
52. I tried dating safe. Safe was nice, but my soul started yawning like it was trapped in a Costco marriage.
53. Marriage scares comics because love expects you home before the punchline is finished.
54. A wedding ring for a comic is just a tiny handcuff with catering.
55. Kids scare me. I already raised my inner child and that little dude is expensive as hell.
56. My inner child needs snacks, therapy, control of the aux cord, and a cut of the merch.
57. Faith kept me alive, but God and I have had customer service calls where I definitely asked for a supervisor.
58. I do not question God. I just want the tracking number on the lesson because some of this shit shipped late and damaged.
59. People say everything happens for a reason. Some reasons need to be fired.
60. I stopped praying for patience. That is how God sends you a dumbass with a lesson plan.
61. Now I pray for wisdom, direct deposit, and fewer tests with personalities.
62. Anger is grief wearing work boots and looking for someone to invoice.
63. My anger was not trying to hurt people. It was trying to guard a kid nobody protected.
64. I still have the violent thoughts. I just do not let them drive because prison has bad Wi-Fi.
65. Growth is wanting to say something filthy and devastating, then choosing an invoice instead.
66. Red is in the passenger seat now, still yelling, "Cut him off, he looked disrespectful."
67. Therapy taught me to name my feelings. Unfortunately, I named them after people who owe me apologies and money.
68. Boundaries are fences your guilt keeps trying to hump its way over.
69. My guilt has upper body strength and a fake sad voice.
70. Being the good kid is expensive. Everybody gets peace except you.
71. You become the family's unpaid emotional janitor, wiping up messes grown adults made with their mouths.
72. Adults called me responsible because "this is unfair as fuck" was too honest.
73. Family can love you and still hurt you. That is the part nobody puts on the Christmas card.
74. Our family photo should have had a warning label, a therapist, and a wet floor sign.
75. Strong does not always mean healthy. Sometimes strong means untreated with better posture.
76. We called it toughness because nobody wanted to admit we were all leaking.
77. I respect my past. I just do not let that broke bitch manage my calendar anymore.
78. My past can visit, but it is not getting admin access.
79. Writing the memoir was like interviewing every version of myself that wanted to sue me.
80. My past showed up with receipts, attitude, and no appointment.
81. Thirty-nine chapters means even my trauma needed pagination.
82. My pain did not want closure. It wanted a second season.
83. I wrote a healing book and somehow made my trauma unionize.
84. Comedy lets pain breathe, but my pain breathes like it has a two-drink minimum.
85. The joke is not the wound. The joke is the wound finally charging admission.
86. I respect the wound, but the excuses are getting roasted tonight.
87. Memoir is when your secrets get stage time and your family starts texting, "Don't say my name."
88. The mic is cheaper than therapy, but at least therapy does not heckle you when the punchline is weak.
89. My pain used to interrupt me. Now it waits for the punchline like a professional.
90. Pain with rhythm is called a set.
91. I run businesses, which sounds impressive until you realize half my businesses are just anxiety wearing logos.
92. I do not have multiple income streams. I have panic with departments.
93. My to-do list filed a restraining order.
94. I open a notebook and five businesses fall out like roaches when the light comes on.
95. My browser tabs are not open. They are unresolved emotional claims.
96. Chrome is not a browser on my computer. It is a mental illness with bookmarks.
97. I bought artificial intelligence and became tech support for a robot intern with confidence issues.
98. My AI says, "I understand your frustration." No you do not, toaster. Open the file.
99. I tried connecting my laptop and desktop. Brother, my own colors cannot connect before noon.
100. The bridge broke because Red built it, Green audited it, Blue made it pretty, and Yellow apologized to the laptop.

100 Nasty Tags

1. My trauma has better branding than half the startups on LinkedIn.
2. My inner child does not need a hug. He needs payroll.
3. I did not break generational curses. I gave them a login.
4. My healing journey has late fees.
5. My peace still asks for ID.
6. Calm feels suspicious, like a bill marked paid in full.
7. My nervous system has cloud backup.
8. My body remembers shit my brain deleted for storage.
9. Forgiveness is not giving the wound a guest room.
10. My past lost admin privileges.
11. Red does not need coffee. Red wakes up pissed.
12. Red says "I'm fine" like a man loading a shotgun emotionally.
13. Red's apology has terms and conditions.
14. Red can say sorry and still sound like a closing argument.
15. Red wants respect before breakfast and revenge by lunch.
16. Green's toxic trait is making fear look professional.
17. Green brings evidence to a vibe check.
18. Green's apology has footnotes.
19. Green does not make love. Green runs a performance review.
20. Green thinks good credit is foreplay.
21. Blue ignores red flags if the lighting hits right.
22. Blue calls a bad decision "soul recognition."
23. Blue turns one date into a trilogy nobody funded.
24. Blue is horny for meaning.
25. Blue does not fall in love. Blue gets distributed by A24.
26. Yellow gives until the bank calls fraud protection.
27. Yellow says "no worries" with 14 worries and a migraine.
28. Yellow needs a heart, yes, but also a bouncer.
29. Yellow's love language is emotional overtime.
30. Yellow will forgive you and still help you move.
31. My Four Colors need HR.
32. My head is a board meeting held inside a strip club.
33. Red is in court, Green is in Excel, Blue is in a music video, Yellow is making snacks.
34. That is not personality. That is a hostage situation with feelings.
35. Every color has a gift. Every gift has a cleanup bill.
36. Dating apps are just wounds with better lighting.
37. Everybody's bio is a cry for help with emojis.
38. "I value honesty" means they lie with confidence.
39. "No drama" means drama already has a key.
40. "Family is everything" means Thanksgiving has witnesses.
41. At 50, good credit is dirty talk.
42. A clean house is foreplay after 40.
43. Stretching before sex is not sexy, but neither is an ambulance.
44. Nothing kills the mood like a hamstring filing a complaint.
45. My back makes more noise than the bed.
46. I do not need a soulmate. I need someone who will not ruin my week.
47. A situationship is just a relationship with worse parking.
48. Sneaky links are emotional food poisoning.
49. An ex is a bad decision with familiar Wi-Fi.
50. Breakup sex is grief trying to negotiate.
51. Makeup sex is dangerous because now the argument thinks it was productive.
52. If every fight ends in sex, your relationship has a rewards program.
53. Horniness is not intuition.
54. Stop calling lust a vibe.
55. Your body saying yes does not mean your life agrees.
56. Bad habits are life habits naked.
57. Selfish people are selfish in bed too.
58. Overthinkers count ceiling fan rotations.
59. People pleasers ask if everyone is okay while dying inside.
60. Controllers turn foreplay into project management.
61. My family tree has caution tape.
62. Thanksgiving is a personality test with gravy.
63. The turkey is dry because even it is uncomfortable.
64. One aunt can make a grown man twelve again.
65. Family knows your factory settings.
66. Strong was just untreated with a belt.
67. Toughness was our health insurance.
68. Love and damage can use the same kitchen.
69. The truth at family reunions shows up late and drunk.
70. Somebody always says, "We are not bringing up the past" right before the past takes the mic.
71. My memoir is not revenge. It is evidence with chapter titles.
72. My pain has a table of contents and an attitude.
73. Even Netflix told my trauma to tighten the edit.
74. My chapters needed group therapy.
75. The book is serious. The coping mechanisms are getting cooked.
76. The wound gets respect. The excuses get dragged.
77. Comedy is pain with timing and better shoes.
78. My secrets finally got a stage plot.
79. My pain is headlining because it paid in advance.
80. The thing that almost buried me is paying cover.
81. AI did not save time. It gave me digital employees with mommy issues.
82. My bot has confidence and no common sense, just like a bad boyfriend.
83. My laptop has commitment issues.
84. My desktop acts like it is better because it has more fans.
85. My computers need couples therapy.
86. I built a bridge and the bridge asked for a password reset.
87. OpenClaw sounds like a villain and behaves like a printer.
88. Telegram is now part of my emotional support system.
89. Henry is not AI. Henry is a grown man trapped inside my workflow.
90. Janet, Predator, DGX, Spark. It is not a system anymore, it is a custody battle.
91. I run so many projects my anxiety needs an org chart.
92. My business plan is Redline chaos with invoices.
93. The cleaning business taught me humility and what rich people do to toilets.
94. Nothing makes you spiritual like cleaning a bathroom that lost a war.
95. I have seen toilets that made me question free will.
96. Contractors know pain. Every "simple fix" opens a wall full of lies.
97. Drywall is just a memoir with studs.
98. Money does not change people. It gives their bad habits better lighting.
99. Success gave my anxiety furniture.
100. My stress has a logo, a URL, and a payment processor.

100 Filthy Punchlines / Knockouts

1. I did not heal. I put my trauma on Shopify.
2. My pain is not a wound anymore. It is a brand asset with daddy issues.
3. Colors of My Pain is what happens when a breakdown learns SEO.
4. I turned survival into content because crying alone had no conversion rate.
5. My inner child asked for safety and I gave him analytics.
6. That is not a memoir. That is emotional OnlyFans without nudity.
7. My childhood was so unstable even my trauma needed a seatbelt.
8. I was not a kid. I was a tiny unpaid risk manager.
9. I learned human behavior because adults kept acting like drunk software.
10. My first therapist was the sound of footsteps in the hallway.
11. Red is my protector, but sometimes Red protects me from relaxation like it owes him money.
12. Red could start a fight with a receipt.
13. Red's love language is "who do I need to threaten?"
14. Red does not argue. Red cross-examines with neck veins.
15. Red is courage until it starts swinging at shadows.
16. Green is my thinker, but Green can turn a feeling into a government hearing.
17. Green does not avoid emotions. Green puts them in a folder marked "later."
18. Green makes fear look like a business plan.
19. Green can kill a boner with a question about consistency.
20. Green's idea of dirty talk is "the payment cleared."
21. Blue is my chameleon, but sometimes Blue adapts so hard it becomes a doormat with cheekbones.
22. Blue sees chaos and says, "Finally, art."
23. Blue calls red flags "character development."
24. Blue does not catch feelings. Blue catches lawsuits with a soundtrack.
25. Blue is why I have dated women my therapist could diagnose from the parking lot.
26. Yellow is love, but unhealed Yellow is a charity with a bedroom.
27. Yellow does not set boundaries. Yellow sends soup.
28. Yellow can forgive a stab wound if the knife had a sad childhood.
29. Yellow's heart is open, and that is why every idiot walks in with shoes on.
30. Yellow needs compassion, boundaries, and maybe a taser.
31. My Four Colors are not balanced. They are four drunk uncles fighting over the aux cord.
32. My head is not a temple. It is a committee meeting at a strip mall.
33. Red drives, Green complains, Blue cries, Yellow offers snacks to the cop.
34. That is why I am tired before the day starts.
35. My personality is a group project where nobody read the instructions.
36. Dating after pain is just trauma trying to get laid with better vocabulary.
37. First dates are foreplay for background checks.
38. At 50, sex starts with chemistry and ends with someone looking for their glasses.
39. The hottest thing a woman can say now is, "I stretched already."
40. If her hip survives the weekend, that is wife material.
41. I do not need a freak. I need a woman who can handle my calendar and my crazy.
42. Dating me should come with a waiver and a charging cable.
43. Normal feels suspicious because chaos raised me and signed the permission slip.
44. Peace walks in and my nervous system says, "Who sent you?"
45. My standards did not get higher. My emergency exits got clearer.
46. Chemistry is just your genitals voting before your brain gets the agenda.
47. My butterflies are on probation.
48. My type was never women. My type was unresolved business.
49. My trust issues have better investigation skills than the police.
50. My heart is a detective that still sleeps with the suspect.
51. I do not ignore red flags anymore. I take them home and ask what they learned in childhood.
52. Safe love is beautiful, but my trauma wants bass.
53. Marriage is when your punchline has to check in.
54. A ring is just a shiny leash if you marry the wrong person.
55. My inner child is more expensive than a real child because he also wants branding.
56. I cannot have kids yet. I am still co-parenting myself.
57. God kept me alive, but some of the lessons arrived like a bad contractor bid.
58. I trust God, but I still want itemized billing.
59. Some reasons need to be punched in the mouth.
60. Patience is how God sends you someone with a podcast and no self-awareness.
61. My prayer life is half faith, half customer complaint.
62. Anger is grief that joined a union.
63. My rage was a guard dog nobody trained.
64. Prison has bad Wi-Fi, and that is why growth matters.
65. Maturity is not peace. It is wanting to ruin somebody and choosing direct deposit.
66. Red is not gone. Red is just buckled in.
67. My feelings have aliases and outstanding balances.
68. My guilt keeps trying to sneak back in like a toxic ex.
69. Guilt is just manipulation wearing your voice.
70. The good kid becomes the family mop.
71. I cleaned emotional spills before I cleaned houses.
72. They called me responsible because "abused into usefulness" did not fit on a report card.
73. Family love can come with shrapnel.
74. Our family portrait needed a hazmat team.
75. Strong is sometimes just broken with volume.
76. We were not tough. We were leaking and proud.
77. My past is not getting the keys again.
78. My past can sit in the audience, but it cannot direct the show.
79. Every chapter was me putting a younger Jesse on the witness stand.
80. My memories did not come back. They kicked the door in.
81. Thirty-nine chapters is not healing. That is trauma with a subscription model.
82. My pain wanted a sequel and a better contract.
83. My trauma unionized and demanded back pay.
84. My pain breathes like it knows there is a two-drink minimum.
85. The wound finally learned capitalism.
86. The excuses came dressed nice, but tonight they are leaving naked.
87. My secrets got stage time and started tagging family members.
88. Therapy charges by the hour. Comedy charges by the laugh and the humiliation is free.
89. Trauma with timing is a headliner.
90. Pain with rhythm is how you get booked.
91. My anxiety does not have symptoms. It has subsidiaries.
92. I do not have businesses. I have coping mechanisms with LLCs.
93. My to-do list said, "Get help."
94. Ideas fall out of me like unpaid bills.
95. My browser tabs are little open caskets for unfinished dreams.
96. Chrome should ask if I am okay before restoring session.
97. AI did not replace humans. It became another needy relationship.
98. My bot saying "I understand" is how I know it is lying like an ex.
99. My laptop and desktop are not connected because they learned communication from me.
100. The thing that almost buried me is paying cover, buying merch, and asking for a meet-and-greet.

20 Best No-Mercy Audio Combos

1. Joke 5 + Tag 1 + Punchline 3.
2. Joke 15 + Tag 80 + Punchline 100.
3. Joke 16 + Tag 63 + Punchline 9.
4. Joke 22 + Tag 16 + Punchline 18.
5. Joke 27 + Tag 21 + Punchline 25.
6. Joke 32 + Tag 31 + Punchline 35.
7. Joke 36 + Tag 36 + Punchline 36.
8. Joke 46 + Tag 53 + Punchline 46.
9. Joke 52 + Tag 48 + Punchline 52.
10. Joke 57 + Tag 4 + Punchline 58.
11. Joke 64 + Tag 5 + Punchline 64.
12. Joke 71 + Tag 70 + Punchline 72.
13. Joke 75 + Tag 66 + Punchline 75.
14. Joke 81 + Tag 73 + Punchline 81.
15. Joke 84 + Tag 77 + Punchline 90.
16. Joke 91 + Tag 91 + Punchline 92.
17. Joke 95 + Tag 95 + Punchline 96.
18. Joke 97 + Tag 81 + Punchline 97.
19. Joke 99 + Tag 85 + Punchline 99.
20. Joke 100 + Tag 90 + Punchline 100.

7-Minute No-Mercy Opener Draft

I wrote a book called Colors of My Pain, which sounds beautiful until you realize it is basically a 39-chapter incident report from a man whose childhood needed subtitles.

Some people heal privately. Not me. I built a website. I said, "This trauma is terrible. Can we add a checkout button?"

That is not therapy. That is capitalism with a wet face.

I did not heal my inner child. I gave that little bastard a domain name.

The book is about Four Colors: Red, Green, Blue, Yellow. Red protects. Green thinks. Blue adapts. Yellow loves.

In my head, they are not colors. They are four drunk managers fighting over one broke employee.

Red wants to fight. Green wants to plan. Blue wants to feel. Yellow wants to make sure the person who hurt me got home safe.

That is why I am tired. My head is a group chat with no admin and everybody is drunk.

Red is my protector. Red handles business. Red also turns a missing straw into a civil rights lawsuit.

Green is my thinker. Green can turn one bad feeling into a spreadsheet with 19 tabs and no solution. Green does not procrastinate. Green masturbates intellectually until the opportunity leaves.

Blue is the chameleon. Blue adapts to every room, every woman, every mood, every red flag with lip gloss. Blue calls it chemistry. The judge calls it Exhibit A.

Yellow loves everybody. Yellow will bring soup to the ex who poisoned the relationship and still ask, "Do you need crackers?"

That is me. All four. No supervision.

I run businesses, I build apps, I write books, I make audio, I create AI bots. Sounds impressive until you realize half my businesses are just anxiety wearing logos.

I bought artificial intelligence and became tech support for a robot intern. My AI says, "I understand your frustration." No you do not, toaster. Open the file.

I tried connecting my laptop and desktop. Brother, my own colors cannot connect before noon.

The bridge broke because Red built it, Green audited it, Blue made it pretty, and Yellow apologized to the laptop.

Dating me is worse. At 50, dating is not romantic. It is two trauma resumes rubbing knees under a table.

I do not need a freak. I need a woman whose hip can handle chapter two.

I am attracted to chaos because my childhood made peace feel suspicious. If she is peaceful, I wonder what she is hiding. If she is crazy, I feel qualified.

Chemistry is not compatibility. Chemistry is your genitals voting before your brain gets the agenda.

My butterflies are on probation.

That is why comedy saves me. The joke is not the wound. The joke is the wound finally charging admission.

Tonight my pain is not crying. It is headlining.

The thing that almost buried me is paying cover, buying merch, and asking for a meet-and-greet.




No Mercy Filthy Roasts

Colors of My Pain - Jesse No Mercy Filthy Roast Pack

Use: Henry/audio production source file.
Lane: adult stand-up, filthy self-roast, Jesse-specific, Four Colors, Colors of My Pain, AI chaos, bad habits, dating, money, cleaning business, healing, and no-mercy roast energy.
Rule: consenting adults only. No kid sex jokes. Keep the filth aimed at grown adult behavior, ego, bad habits, dating, and Jesse roasting himself.

100 Nasty / Filthy Jesse Stand-Up Jokes

1. My book is called Colors of My Pain, which sounds inspiring until you realize it is basically a coloring book for grown adults who got emotionally jumped by their family.
2. I did not write a memoir. I wrote a 39-chapter incident report with feelings.
3. Colors of My Pain sounds like healing, but really it is my trauma wearing a suit trying to get investors.
4. I did not heal my inner child. I gave that little bastard a domain name.
5. Most people cry in private. I built a website and said, "Can we add a checkout button?"
6. I took my childhood pain and turned it into a funnel. That is not therapy. That is capitalism with a wet face.
7. Some families teach you love. Mine taught me how to survive and how to know when somebody is about to ruin dinner by breathing wrong.
8. My first language was tension. My second language was, "Don't say shit, Jesse."
9. I could read a room before I could read a book. That is not a gift. That is a child working unpaid security.
10. I was not mature for my age. I was a tiny hostage negotiator with candy money.
11. I was the Candy Kid. Other kids sold lemonade. I was out there moving sugar like a diabetic cartel.
12. At eight years old I had inventory, stress, and a profit margin. That is not childhood. That is Shark Tank with trauma.
13. I did not have toys. I had startup anxiety and a nervous system with overdraft fees.
14. My family did not need Wi-Fi. Tension connected every room.
15. Silence in my house was not peace. It was the loading screen before someone emotionally shit on the carpet.
16. I created the Four Colors to understand people. Translation: my childhood was so chaotic I had to make a damn operating manual for humans.
17. Red is Protector. In me, Red protects everything except my sleep, my money, my relationships, and the last 47 browser tabs.
18. Red does not walk into a problem. Red kicks the door in, scares the problem, then asks Green where the invoice is.
19. My Red side sees a slow cashier and acts like someone just disrespected the bloodline.
20. Red can turn a missing straw into a civil rights lawsuit.
21. Green is the Thinker. My Green side can turn one bad feeling into a spreadsheet with 19 tabs and no solution.
22. Green does not procrastinate. Green masturbates intellectually until the opportunity leaves.
23. Green can research a toaster for six weeks and still eat cold bread like a sad scientist.
24. Green calls fear "data." That is adorable. You are not analyzing the situation, you are hiding in Excel.
25. Blue is the Chameleon. Blue adapts to every room, every woman, every mood, every red flag with lip gloss.
26. Blue is not fake. Blue is socially exhausted from being everybody's free emotional stripper.
27. Blue sees one pretty woman with chaos in her eyes and says, "She understands my soul." No, Jesse, she understands your weak boundaries.
28. Blue calls it chemistry. The judge calls it Exhibit A.
29. Yellow is the Hugger. Yellow loves everybody, helps everybody, forgives everybody, then goes home resentful and horny for appreciation.
30. Yellow will bring soup to the same ex who poisoned the relationship and still ask, "Do you need crackers?"
31. Yellow's toxic trait is being emotionally available to people who should be blocked, sued, or left at a gas station.
32. My Four Colors are not a theory. They are four unpaid employees fighting inside my head.
33. Red wants to fight. Green wants to plan. Blue wants to feel. Yellow wants to make sure the person who hurt me got home safe.
34. My head is a group chat with no admin and everybody is drunk.
35. Every decision I make has four managers, no payroll, and one horny intern named Blue.
36. Dating after 50 is not romantic. It is two trauma resumes rubbing knees under a table.
37. First dates now are just interviews with appetizers and sexual tension wearing reading glasses.
38. At my age, "You up?" means, "Did your back survive the couch?"
39. Sex after 50 is wild because foreplay includes stretching, hydration, and checking if the dog is judging.
40. I do not need a freak. I need a woman whose hip can handle chapter two.
41. I like strong women because weak women cannot survive the committee in my head.
42. Dating me requires Red courage, Green patience, Blue imagination, Yellow kindness, and a damn warranty.
43. I am attracted to chaos because my childhood made peace feel suspicious.
44. If she is peaceful, I wonder what she is hiding. If she is crazy, I feel qualified.
45. My type used to be "beautiful." Now my type is "doesn't make my nervous system file a police report."
46. Chemistry is not compatibility. Chemistry is your body clapping for familiar bullshit.
47. My butterflies have warrants and at least one restraining order.
48. Toxic chemistry is just your childhood recognizing the floor plan.
49. My trust issues are not cute. They have a clipboard, a flashlight, and access to public records.
50. My heart does background checks with references and still chooses poorly.
51. I do not chase red flags anymore. I slow down, take notes, then apparently date them with better lighting.
52. I tried dating safe. Safe was nice, but my soul started yawning like it was trapped in a Costco marriage.
53. Marriage scares comics because love expects you home before the punchline is finished.
54. A wedding ring for a comic is just a tiny handcuff with catering.
55. Kids scare me. I already raised my inner child and that little dude is expensive as hell.
56. My inner child needs snacks, therapy, control of the aux cord, and a cut of the merch.
57. Faith kept me alive, but God and I have had customer service calls where I definitely asked for a supervisor.
58. I do not question God. I just want the tracking number on the lesson because some of this shit shipped late and damaged.
59. People say everything happens for a reason. Some reasons need to be fired.
60. I stopped praying for patience. That is how God sends you a dumbass with a lesson plan.
61. Now I pray for wisdom, direct deposit, and fewer tests with personalities.
62. Anger is grief wearing work boots and looking for someone to invoice.
63. My anger was not trying to hurt people. It was trying to guard a kid nobody protected.
64. I still have the violent thoughts. I just do not let them drive because prison has bad Wi-Fi.
65. Growth is wanting to say something filthy and devastating, then choosing an invoice instead.
66. Red is in the passenger seat now, still yelling, "Cut him off, he looked disrespectful."
67. Therapy taught me to name my feelings. Unfortunately, I named them after people who owe me apologies and money.
68. Boundaries are fences your guilt keeps trying to hump its way over.
69. My guilt has upper body strength and a fake sad voice.
70. Being the good kid is expensive. Everybody gets peace except you.
71. You become the family's unpaid emotional janitor, wiping up messes grown adults made with their mouths.
72. Adults called me responsible because "this is unfair as fuck" was too honest.
73. Family can love you and still hurt you. That is the part nobody puts on the Christmas card.
74. Our family photo should have had a warning label, a therapist, and a wet floor sign.
75. Strong does not always mean healthy. Sometimes strong means untreated with better posture.
76. We called it toughness because nobody wanted to admit we were all leaking.
77. I respect my past. I just do not let that broke bitch manage my calendar anymore.
78. My past can visit, but it is not getting admin access.
79. Writing the memoir was like interviewing every version of myself that wanted to sue me.
80. My past showed up with receipts, attitude, and no appointment.
81. Thirty-nine chapters means even my trauma needed pagination.
82. My pain did not want closure. It wanted a second season.
83. I wrote a healing book and somehow made my trauma unionize.
84. Comedy lets pain breathe, but my pain breathes like it has a two-drink minimum.
85. The joke is not the wound. The joke is the wound finally charging admission.
86. I respect the wound, but the excuses are getting roasted tonight.
87. Memoir is when your secrets get stage time and your family starts texting, "Don't say my name."
88. The mic is cheaper than therapy, but at least therapy does not heckle you when the punchline is weak.
89. My pain used to interrupt me. Now it waits for the punchline like a professional.
90. Pain with rhythm is called a set.
91. I run businesses, which sounds impressive until you realize half my businesses are just anxiety wearing logos.
92. I do not have multiple income streams. I have panic with departments.
93. My to-do list filed a restraining order.
94. I open a notebook and five businesses fall out like roaches when the light comes on.
95. My browser tabs are not open. They are unresolved emotional claims.
96. Chrome is not a browser on my computer. It is a mental illness with bookmarks.
97. I bought artificial intelligence and became tech support for a robot intern with confidence issues.
98. My AI says, "I understand your frustration." No you do not, toaster. Open the file.
99. I tried connecting my laptop and desktop. Brother, my own colors cannot connect before noon.
100. The bridge broke because Red built it, Green audited it, Blue made it pretty, and Yellow apologized to the laptop.

100 Nasty Tags

1. My trauma has better branding than half the startups on LinkedIn.
2. My inner child does not need a hug. He needs payroll.
3. I did not break generational curses. I gave them a login.
4. My healing journey has late fees.
5. My peace still asks for ID.
6. Calm feels suspicious, like a bill marked paid in full.
7. My nervous system has cloud backup.
8. My body remembers shit my brain deleted for storage.
9. Forgiveness is not giving the wound a guest room.
10. My past lost admin privileges.
11. Red does not need coffee. Red wakes up pissed.
12. Red says "I'm fine" like a man loading a shotgun emotionally.
13. Red's apology has terms and conditions.
14. Red can say sorry and still sound like a closing argument.
15. Red wants respect before breakfast and revenge by lunch.
16. Green's toxic trait is making fear look professional.
17. Green brings evidence to a vibe check.
18. Green's apology has footnotes.
19. Green does not make love. Green runs a performance review.
20. Green thinks good credit is foreplay.
21. Blue ignores red flags if the lighting hits right.
22. Blue calls a bad decision "soul recognition."
23. Blue turns one date into a trilogy nobody funded.
24. Blue is horny for meaning.
25. Blue does not fall in love. Blue gets distributed by A24.
26. Yellow gives until the bank calls fraud protection.
27. Yellow says "no worries" with 14 worries and a migraine.
28. Yellow needs a heart, yes, but also a bouncer.
29. Yellow's love language is emotional overtime.
30. Yellow will forgive you and still help you move.
31. My Four Colors need HR.
32. My head is a board meeting held inside a strip club.
33. Red is in court, Green is in Excel, Blue is in a music video, Yellow is making snacks.
34. That is not personality. That is a hostage situation with feelings.
35. Every color has a gift. Every gift has a cleanup bill.
36. Dating apps are just wounds with better lighting.
37. Everybody's bio is a cry for help with emojis.
38. "I value honesty" means they lie with confidence.
39. "No drama" means drama already has a key.
40. "Family is everything" means Thanksgiving has witnesses.
41. At 50, good credit is dirty talk.
42. A clean house is foreplay after 40.
43. Stretching before sex is not sexy, but neither is an ambulance.
44. Nothing kills the mood like a hamstring filing a complaint.
45. My back makes more noise than the bed.
46. I do not need a soulmate. I need someone who will not ruin my week.
47. A situationship is just a relationship with worse parking.
48. Sneaky links are emotional food poisoning.
49. An ex is a bad decision with familiar Wi-Fi.
50. Breakup sex is grief trying to negotiate.
51. Makeup sex is dangerous because now the argument thinks it was productive.
52. If every fight ends in sex, your relationship has a rewards program.
53. Horniness is not intuition.
54. Stop calling lust a vibe.
55. Your body saying yes does not mean your life agrees.
56. Bad habits are life habits naked.
57. Selfish people are selfish in bed too.
58. Overthinkers count ceiling fan rotations.
59. People pleasers ask if everyone is okay while dying inside.
60. Controllers turn foreplay into project management.
61. My family tree has caution tape.
62. Thanksgiving is a personality test with gravy.
63. The turkey is dry because even it is uncomfortable.
64. One aunt can make a grown man twelve again.
65. Family knows your factory settings.
66. Strong was just untreated with a belt.
67. Toughness was our health insurance.
68. Love and damage can use the same kitchen.
69. The truth at family reunions shows up late and drunk.
70. Somebody always says, "We are not bringing up the past" right before the past takes the mic.
71. My memoir is not revenge. It is evidence with chapter titles.
72. My pain has a table of contents and an attitude.
73. Even Netflix told my trauma to tighten the edit.
74. My chapters needed group therapy.
75. The book is serious. The coping mechanisms are getting cooked.
76. The wound gets respect. The excuses get dragged.
77. Comedy is pain with timing and better shoes.
78. My secrets finally got a stage plot.
79. My pain is headlining because it paid in advance.
80. The thing that almost buried me is paying cover.
81. AI did not save time. It gave me digital employees with mommy issues.
82. My bot has confidence and no common sense, just like a bad boyfriend.
83. My laptop has commitment issues.
84. My desktop acts like it is better because it has more fans.
85. My computers need couples therapy.
86. I built a bridge and the bridge asked for a password reset.
87. OpenClaw sounds like a villain and behaves like a printer.
88. Telegram is now part of my emotional support system.
89. Henry is not AI. Henry is a grown man trapped inside my workflow.
90. Janet, Predator, DGX, Spark. It is not a system anymore, it is a custody battle.
91. I run so many projects my anxiety needs an org chart.
92. My business plan is Redline chaos with invoices.
93. The cleaning business taught me humility and what rich people do to toilets.
94. Nothing makes you spiritual like cleaning a bathroom that lost a war.
95. I have seen toilets that made me question free will.
96. Contractors know pain. Every "simple fix" opens a wall full of lies.
97. Drywall is just a memoir with studs.
98. Money does not change people. It gives their bad habits better lighting.
99. Success gave my anxiety furniture.
100. My stress has a logo, a URL, and a payment processor.

100 Filthy Punchlines / Knockouts

1. I did not heal. I put my trauma on Shopify.
2. My pain is not a wound anymore. It is a brand asset with daddy issues.
3. Colors of My Pain is what happens when a breakdown learns SEO.
4. I turned survival into content because crying alone had no conversion rate.
5. My inner child asked for safety and I gave him analytics.
6. That is not a memoir. That is emotional OnlyFans without nudity.
7. My childhood was so unstable even my trauma needed a seatbelt.
8. I was not a kid. I was a tiny unpaid risk manager.
9. I learned human behavior because adults kept acting like drunk software.
10. My first therapist was the sound of footsteps in the hallway.
11. Red is my protector, but sometimes Red protects me from relaxation like it owes him money.
12. Red could start a fight with a receipt.
13. Red's love language is "who do I need to threaten?"
14. Red does not argue. Red cross-examines with neck veins.
15. Red is courage until it starts swinging at shadows.
16. Green is my thinker, but Green can turn a feeling into a government hearing.
17. Green does not avoid emotions. Green puts them in a folder marked "later."
18. Green makes fear look like a business plan.
19. Green can kill a boner with a question about consistency.
20. Green's idea of dirty talk is "the payment cleared."
21. Blue is my chameleon, but sometimes Blue adapts so hard it becomes a doormat with cheekbones.
22. Blue sees chaos and says, "Finally, art."
23. Blue calls red flags "character development."
24. Blue does not catch feelings. Blue catches lawsuits with a soundtrack.
25. Blue is why I have dated women my therapist could diagnose from the parking lot.
26. Yellow is love, but unhealed Yellow is a charity with a bedroom.
27. Yellow does not set boundaries. Yellow sends soup.
28. Yellow can forgive a stab wound if the knife had a sad childhood.
29. Yellow's heart is open, and that is why every idiot walks in with shoes on.
30. Yellow needs compassion, boundaries, and maybe a taser.
31. My Four Colors are not balanced. They are four drunk uncles fighting over the aux cord.
32. My head is not a temple. It is a committee meeting at a strip mall.
33. Red drives, Green complains, Blue cries, Yellow offers snacks to the cop.
34. That is why I am tired before the day starts.
35. My personality is a group project where nobody read the instructions.
36. Dating after pain is just trauma trying to get laid with better vocabulary.
37. First dates are foreplay for background checks.
38. At 50, sex starts with chemistry and ends with someone looking for their glasses.
39. The hottest thing a woman can say now is, "I stretched already."
40. If her hip survives the weekend, that is wife material.
41. I do not need a freak. I need a woman who can handle my calendar and my crazy.
42. Dating me should come with a waiver and a charging cable.
43. Normal feels suspicious because chaos raised me and signed the permission slip.
44. Peace walks in and my nervous system says, "Who sent you?"
45. My standards did not get higher. My emergency exits got clearer.
46. Chemistry is just your genitals voting before your brain gets the agenda.
47. My butterflies are on probation.
48. My type was never women. My type was unresolved business.
49. My trust issues have better investigation skills than the police.
50. My heart is a detective that still sleeps with the suspect.
51. I do not ignore red flags anymore. I take them home and ask what they learned in childhood.
52. Safe love is beautiful, but my trauma wants bass.
53. Marriage is when your punchline has to check in.
54. A ring is just a shiny leash if you marry the wrong person.
55. My inner child is more expensive than a real child because he also wants branding.
56. I cannot have kids yet. I am still co-parenting myself.
57. God kept me alive, but some of the lessons arrived like a bad contractor bid.
58. I trust God, but I still want itemized billing.
59. Some reasons need to be punched in the mouth.
60. Patience is how God sends you someone with a podcast and no self-awareness.
61. My prayer life is half faith, half customer complaint.
62. Anger is grief that joined a union.
63. My rage was a guard dog nobody trained.
64. Prison has bad Wi-Fi, and that is why growth matters.
65. Maturity is not peace. It is wanting to ruin somebody and choosing direct deposit.
66. Red is not gone. Red is just buckled in.
67. My feelings have aliases and outstanding balances.
68. My guilt keeps trying to sneak back in like a toxic ex.
69. Guilt is just manipulation wearing your voice.
70. The good kid becomes the family mop.
71. I cleaned emotional spills before I cleaned houses.
72. They called me responsible because "abused into usefulness" did not fit on a report card.
73. Family love can come with shrapnel.
74. Our family portrait needed a hazmat team.
75. Strong is sometimes just broken with volume.
76. We were not tough. We were leaking and proud.
77. My past is not getting the keys again.
78. My past can sit in the audience, but it cannot direct the show.
79. Every chapter was me putting a younger Jesse on the witness stand.
80. My memories did not come back. They kicked the door in.
81. Thirty-nine chapters is not healing. That is trauma with a subscription model.
82. My pain wanted a sequel and a better contract.
83. My trauma unionized and demanded back pay.
84. My pain breathes like it knows there is a two-drink minimum.
85. The wound finally learned capitalism.
86. The excuses came dressed nice, but tonight they are leaving naked.
87. My secrets got stage time and started tagging family members.
88. Therapy charges by the hour. Comedy charges by the laugh and the humiliation is free.
89. Trauma with timing is a headliner.
90. Pain with rhythm is how you get booked.
91. My anxiety does not have symptoms. It has subsidiaries.
92. I do not have businesses. I have coping mechanisms with LLCs.
93. My to-do list said, "Get help."
94. Ideas fall out of me like unpaid bills.
95. My browser tabs are little open caskets for unfinished dreams.
96. Chrome should ask if I am okay before restoring session.
97. AI did not replace humans. It became another needy relationship.
98. My bot saying "I understand" is how I know it is lying like an ex.
99. My laptop and desktop are not connected because they learned communication from me.
100. The thing that almost buried me is paying cover, buying merch, and asking for a meet-and-greet.

20 Best No-Mercy Audio Combos

1. Joke 5 + Tag 1 + Punchline 3.
2. Joke 15 + Tag 80 + Punchline 100.
3. Joke 16 + Tag 63 + Punchline 9.
4. Joke 22 + Tag 16 + Punchline 18.
5. Joke 27 + Tag 21 + Punchline 25.
6. Joke 32 + Tag 31 + Punchline 35.
7. Joke 36 + Tag 36 + Punchline 36.
8. Joke 46 + Tag 53 + Punchline 46.
9. Joke 52 + Tag 48 + Punchline 52.
10. Joke 57 + Tag 4 + Punchline 58.
11. Joke 64 + Tag 5 + Punchline 64.
12. Joke 71 + Tag 70 + Punchline 72.
13. Joke 75 + Tag 66 + Punchline 75.
14. Joke 81 + Tag 73 + Punchline 81.
15. Joke 84 + Tag 77 + Punchline 90.
16. Joke 91 + Tag 91 + Punchline 92.
17. Joke 95 + Tag 95 + Punchline 96.
18. Joke 97 + Tag 81 + Punchline 97.
19. Joke 99 + Tag 85 + Punchline 99.
20. Joke 100 + Tag 90 + Punchline 100.

7-Minute No-Mercy Opener Draft

I wrote a book called Colors of My Pain, which sounds beautiful until you realize it is basically a 39-chapter incident report from a man whose childhood needed subtitles.

Some people heal privately. Not me. I built a website. I said, "This trauma is terrible. Can we add a checkout button?"

That is not therapy. That is capitalism with a wet face.

I did not heal my inner child. I gave that little bastard a domain name.

The book is about Four Colors: Red, Green, Blue, Yellow. Red protects. Green thinks. Blue adapts. Yellow loves.

In my head, they are not colors. They are four drunk managers fighting over one broke employee.

Red wants to fight. Green wants to plan. Blue wants to feel. Yellow wants to make sure the person who hurt me got home safe.

That is why I am tired. My head is a group chat with no admin and everybody is drunk.

Red is my protector. Red handles business. Red also turns a missing straw into a civil rights lawsuit.

Green is my thinker. Green can turn one bad feeling into a spreadsheet with 19 tabs and no solution. Green does not procrastinate. Green masturbates intellectually until the opportunity leaves.

Blue is the chameleon. Blue adapts to every room, every woman, every mood, every red flag with lip gloss. Blue calls it chemistry. The judge calls it Exhibit A.

Yellow loves everybody. Yellow will bring soup to the ex who poisoned the relationship and still ask, "Do you need crackers?"

That is me. All four. No supervision.

I run businesses, I build apps, I write books, I make audio, I create AI bots. Sounds impressive until you realize half my businesses are just anxiety wearing logos.

I bought artificial intelligence and became tech support for a robot intern. My AI says, "I understand your frustration." No you do not, toaster. Open the file.

I tried connecting my laptop and desktop. Brother, my own colors cannot connect before noon.

The bridge broke because Red built it, Green audited it, Blue made it pretty, and Yellow apologized to the laptop.

Dating me is worse. At 50, dating is not romantic. It is two trauma resumes rubbing knees under a table.

I do not need a freak. I need a woman whose hip can handle chapter two.

I am attracted to chaos because my childhood made peace feel suspicious. If she is peaceful, I wonder what she is hiding. If she is crazy, I feel qualified.

Chemistry is not compatibility. Chemistry is your genitals voting before your brain gets the agenda.

My butterflies are on probation.

That is why comedy saves me. The joke is not the wound. The joke is the wound finally charging admission.

Tonight my pain is not crying. It is headlining.

The thing that almost buried me is paying cover, buying merch, and asking for a meet-and-greet.




Bad Habits Bar Jokes

Dirty Adult Bad Habits - 100 Stand-Up Jokes

Use: adult comedy writing bank for Henry/audio production.
Lane: filthy adult jokes about bad habits, dating, sex, phones, jealousy, money, marriage, laziness, ego, and human behavior.
Guardrails: consenting adults only.

1. People say bad habits are hard to break. Sex habits are worse, because nobody wants to admit their favorite move is just laziness with eye contact.
2. Some people are freaky until it is time to communicate. They can do a backflip naked but cannot say, "That hurt my feelings."
3. Dating apps turned everybody into a salesperson with unresolved trauma and one good bathroom mirror.
4. Everybody says they want honesty in bed. No they do not. They want honesty with lighting, timing, and no follow-up questions.
5. A lot of people do not have a love language. They have a horny language and a damage deposit.
6. Phone addiction ruined romance. You can be naked in bed and still lose to a notification from DoorDash.
7. Jealous people do not need evidence. They need Wi-Fi, a charger, and one emoji that "felt disrespectful."
8. Some couples do not have chemistry. They have poor boundaries and matching addictions.
9. The worst bedroom habit is confidence with no skill. That is not sex, that is karaoke with skin.
10. Some people say, "I am a giver." No, you are a people pleaser with a mattress.
11. The older you get, the dirtier sex gets because now foreplay includes asking, "Did you take your medicine?"
12. Adult dating is weird. At 25, you ask, "What are you into?" At 50, you ask, "Can your hip survive this?"
13. Marriage is when dirty talk becomes, "The kids are asleep and the laundry is folded."
14. Nothing kills passion faster than someone saying, "Wait, did you hear the dryer stop?"
15. Some men call themselves alpha because nobody else will call them employed.
16. Some women say they want a bad boy, then get mad when he is bad at credit, communication, and furniture assembly.
17. Everybody wants freaky until freaky has bad hygiene and a podcast.
18. You are not sexually adventurous if your room looks like a crime scene with laundry.
19. People say, "I like it rough." Then get offended by a text without punctuation.
20. The most unrealistic thing in porn is nobody stops to move a dog, silence a phone, or ask why the bed sounds uninsured.
21. Some people moan like they are performing for an apartment complex.
22. Bad habits show up during sex. Red rushes, Green overthinks, Blue performs, Yellow asks if everyone is okay.
23. Green people during sex are dangerous. They want feedback, timing, and a post-game review.
24. Red people do not make love, they attempt a hostile takeover.
25. Blue people make it cinematic. Music, lighting, emotion, and then three days wondering what it meant.
26. Yellow people are too considerate. They will be naked asking, "Are you comfortable? Do you need water? Was your childhood safe?"
27. Dirty talk is risky because some people sound sexy in their head and like customer service out loud.
28. You ever hear someone try dirty talk and realize they have never been trusted with a metaphor?
29. "You like that?" is a dangerous question when you do not want the truth.
30. Bad sex is just two adults lying politely until one person says, "That was nice."
31. Some people are not good in bed, they are just loud enough to confuse the data.
32. Everybody wants a freak until the freak leaves glitter, drama, and one false eyelash in your car.
33. Sneaky links are just relationships with worse parking.
34. Friends with benefits always sounds good until somebody catches feelings and starts inspecting Instagram stories like a detective.
35. Casual sex is never casual when one person starts asking, "So what are we?"
36. The fastest way to ruin a situationship is using full sentences.
37. Men will say, "I do not want drama," then date a woman whose profile picture looks like a restraining order.
38. Women will say, "I am done fixing men," then date a man whose bed frame is still a box spring on parole.
39. Nothing says adult romance like being attracted to someone and also wondering if they have health insurance.
40. Modern dating is just two people with trust issues sharing locations they do not trust.
41. People do not ghost because they are busy. They ghost because explaining themselves would require a personality.
42. A ghoster is just someone who wants the benefits of being single and the emotional maturity of a wet sock.
43. Drunk texting is your loneliness getting admin access.
44. Late-night texts are never innocent. Nobody says, "You up?" because they want to discuss retirement planning.
45. "Come over and watch a movie" is adult Morse code for bad decisions with subtitles.
46. Netflix and chill became dangerous when nobody had Netflix money anymore.
47. Some people are freaky only because rent is high and hobbies cost money.
48. Hookup culture is wild. People will share bodies before they share passwords.
49. Everybody is sexually liberated until somebody asks for accountability.
50. There are people who know your naked body better than they know your middle name.
51. The worst bad habit is going back to your ex because your body remembers what your brain blocked.
52. An ex is just a bad decision with familiar Wi-Fi.
53. Getting back with an ex is recycling with worse consequences.
54. The sex with an ex feels good because nostalgia is a liar with body heat.
55. Breakup sex is just grief trying to negotiate.
56. Makeup sex is dangerous because now the argument thinks it was productive.
57. Some couples fight just because the apology comes with cardio.
58. If every argument ends in sex, congratulations, your relationship has a rewards program.
59. Toxic chemistry is your nervous system clapping for familiar danger.
60. Some butterflies have warrants.
61. People say, "I am not jealous." Then why did you zoom in on the reflection in their sunglasses?
62. Jealousy turns normal people into forensic analysts with screen brightness at 100%.
63. If you know who liked your partner's photo in chronological order, that is not love, that is unpaid surveillance.
64. Social media made cheating lazy. People used to have to leave the house. Now they can ruin a relationship while charging their phone.
65. DMs are where discipline goes to die.
66. A like is not cheating, but some people like with intent.
67. Some hearts are innocent. Some hearts are little red resumes.
68. People say, "It was just a comment." So is a warning label.
69. Married people do not need dating apps. They cheat emotionally through old coworkers and "hope you're doing good" texts.
70. "Hope you're doing good" after midnight means the devil found punctuation.
71. Porn gave men unrealistic expectations. Romantic comedies gave women unrealistic renovation projects.
72. Some men think lasting long is the whole skill. Brother, so does a DMV line.
73. Some women think being mysterious is sexy. No, sometimes it is just bad communication with lip gloss.
74. A lot of people confuse passion with poor impulse control.
75. Lust is when you ignore the warning signs because the body has bad leadership.
76. Horniness is not intuition. Stop calling it a vibe.
77. Your body saying yes does not mean your life agrees.
78. Some people do not need a soulmate. They need sleep, water, and a blocked contact list.
79. Sex after an argument feels powerful until you realize the problem is still in the room putting its pants back on.
80. The wildest thing adults do is call chaos "chemistry" because the sex has bass.
81. The bedroom reveals everything. Lazy people are lazy there too. Selfish people are selfish there too. Overthinkers are counting ceiling fan rotations.
82. Some people ask, "Was it good?" too soon. Let the room recover.
83. Confidence is sexy until it arrives before skill.
84. The loudest person in bed is not always the best. Sometimes they are just trying to convince both of you.
85. Bad hygiene is not a preference issue. That is a closing argument.
86. You cannot be dirty in bed if your bathroom is dirty in real life. That is not sexy, that is foreshadowing.
87. A clean house is foreplay after 40.
88. Good credit is dirty talk after 45.
89. At a certain age, "I have my own place" is hotter than abs.
90. Adult seduction is saying, "I paid the bills, changed the sheets, and nobody needs a ride."
91. Some people want loyalty but still keep a backup roster like their heart is fantasy football.
92. A roster is just insecurity with scheduling.
93. Players are not mysterious. They are just emotionally broke with options.
94. The problem with chasing options is eventually every option realizes it was never chosen.
95. Being single is peaceful until the bed gets cold and your standards start negotiating.
96. Loneliness will try to convince you that your blocked list deserves parole.
97. Healing is when you can be horny and still make a good decision.
98. Maturity is not losing desire. It is not letting desire drive without insurance.
99. The real adult fantasy is not wild sex. It is wild sex with someone who communicates, showers, pays bills, and does not ruin your week.
100. Bad habits in sex are just life habits naked: selfishness, fear, ego, people pleasing, control, overthinking, and calling it chemistry because everybody was breathing hard.

Best 20 For Audio First

1. 6 - naked and losing to DoorDash.
2. 9 - confidence with no skill.
3. 20 - realistic porn.
4. 22 - Four Colors in sex.
5. 27 - dirty talk risk.
6. 30 - bad sex lying politely.
7. 35 - casual sex catches feelings.
8. 45 - movie invite code.
9. 51 - ex/body remembers.
10. 56 - makeup sex reward.
11. 59 - toxic chemistry.
12. 63 - unpaid surveillance.
13. 70 - midnight hope text.
14. 72 - lasting long/DMV.
15. 76 - horniness is not intuition.
16. 81 - bedroom reveals habits.
17. 87 - clean house after 40.
18. 88 - good credit after 45.
19. 97 - horny and good decision.
20. 100 - life habits naked closer.



Colors of My Pain Joke Bank

Colors of My Pain - Adult Comedy Show Joke Bank

Source lane: Jesse Salas / Colors of My Pain, Four Colors, survival, family pressure, anger, faith, love, healing, dating, work, money, and turning pain into language.
Format: Setup / Punchline / Knockout.

1. Setup: My book is called Colors of My Pain. Punchline: That sounds deep until you realize it is also how I sort my laundry after a breakdown. Knockout: Red is anger, Blue is sadness, Green is bills, Yellow is the shirt I bought when I thought healing was going to be quick.
2. Setup: Some families teach you how to love. Mine taught me how to survive. Punchline: That is not a childhood, that is a free trial for adulthood with no cancel button. Knockout: By eight years old I did not have trauma, I had customer service experience.
3. Setup: I was the Candy Kid. Punchline: Other kids had lemonade stands. I had inventory, street pressure, and a nervous system that needed QuickBooks. Knockout: I was not selling candy, I was laundering childhood into Skittles.
4. Setup: I learned to read rooms before I had words. Punchline: That sounds wise, but really I was just a tiny emotional security camera. Knockout: I could tell who was mad by the way a fork hit a plate.
5. Setup: The Four Colors helped me understand people. Punchline: Red protects, Green thinks, Blue adapts, Yellow loves. Knockout: And Jesse opens 47 browser tabs until all four colors file a noise complaint.
6. Setup: Red is not anger. Punchline: Red is protection with bad public relations. Knockout: Red does not need therapy first, Red needs a job title and a locked phone.
7. Setup: My Red side handles problems. Punchline: It just thinks every problem is a bar fight wearing khakis. Knockout: Sometimes the enemy is not disrespect, it is a calendar invite.
8. Setup: Green is the thinker. Punchline: Green can turn one uncomfortable feeling into a 14-tab spreadsheet. Knockout: Green does not avoid emotions, Green creates a dashboard until the feeling expires.
9. Setup: Blue adapts to every room. Punchline: Blue is so good at fitting in, it forgets who drove there. Knockout: Healing is when Blue stops leaving itself in the car with the hazard lights on.
10. Setup: Yellow is love and care. Punchline: Yellow will help everybody until its own life looks like a group project with no due date. Knockout: Yellow does not need boundaries, Yellow needs a bouncer.
11. Setup: I wrote a healing book. Punchline: Then immediately asked, can this be a website, audiobook, soundtrack, film, quiz, and comedy special? Knockout: I did not heal, I franchised the wound.
12. Setup: Most people journal privately. Punchline: I built a navigation menu. Knockout: My trauma has a Start Here button and a checkout page.
13. Setup: Colors of My Pain is about turning pain into language. Punchline: The problem is, once I turn pain into language, I try to monetize the paragraph. Knockout: My inner child asked for safety and I gave him a landing page.
14. Setup: I grew up around silence. Punchline: In my family, silence was not peace, it was the loading screen before somebody snapped. Knockout: We did not need Wi-Fi, tension already connected every room.
15. Setup: Family pressure makes you grow up fast. Punchline: I was doing adult math before I understood fractions. Knockout: I knew rent was due before I knew what a mortgage was.
16. Setup: People say, forgive and forget. Punchline: I can forgive, but my nervous system has cloud backup. Knockout: My body remembers stuff my brain deleted for storage.
17. Setup: Healing is hard. Punchline: Nobody tells you healing also comes with paperwork, awkward phone calls, and realizing you were the problem in episode three. Knockout: Growth is when the villain in your story starts sounding like you.
18. Setup: I used to think being calm meant I was healed. Punchline: Turns out I was just buffering. Knockout: I was not peaceful, I was emotionally on airplane mode.
19. Setup: Dating after pain is weird. Punchline: You are not asking, do we have chemistry? You are asking, which childhood wound is driving tonight? Knockout: First date feels like two trauma resumes pretending to enjoy appetizers.
20. Setup: Four Colors dating is simple. Punchline: Red wants respect, Blue wants magic, Green wants logic, Yellow wants forever. Knockout: And I want all four, but only if they answer texts correctly.
21. Setup: Red in dating is intense. Punchline: Red does not flirt, Red negotiates emotional territory. Knockout: Red sends good morning like it is a ceasefire agreement.
22. Setup: Blue in dating wants the spark. Punchline: Blue will ignore seven red flags if the playlist is right. Knockout: Blue calls it chemistry; the judge calls it evidence.
23. Setup: Green in dating wants consistency. Punchline: Green does not want butterflies, Green wants your story to match the timestamps. Knockout: Green can find cheating in a receipt from 2019.
24. Setup: Yellow in dating wants family. Punchline: Yellow hears one good conversation and starts mentally naming the dog. Knockout: I said I like tacos, she heard retirement plan.
25. Setup: I have trust issues. Punchline: Not cute trust issues, administrative trust issues. Knockout: My heart does background checks with references.
26. Setup: People say I overthink relationships. Punchline: No, Green is just doing due diligence before Blue ruins my life with eye contact. Knockout: My heart falls in love and my brain asks for audited financials.
27. Setup: I am attracted to chaos. Punchline: Not because I like drama, because my childhood made normal feel suspicious. Knockout: If she is peaceful, I wonder what she is hiding. If she is crazy, I am like, finally, customer service.
28. Setup: I like strong women. Punchline: Mostly because weak women cannot survive the committee in my head. Knockout: Dating me requires Red courage, Green patience, Blue imagination, and Yellow hazard pay.
29. Setup: I tried dating safe. Punchline: Safe is nice until your soul starts yawning. Knockout: I do not need toxic, but I need somebody who can survive a plot twist.
30. Setup: Marriage scares comics. Punchline: Not because we hate love, because love expects us home before the punchline is finished. Knockout: A comic with a ring is just a man negotiating custody of his stage time.
31. Setup: Kids scare me. Punchline: I already raised my inner child and that dude is expensive. Knockout: My inner child needs snacks, therapy, and control of the aux cord.
32. Setup: I respect family life. Punchline: I just know my schedule looks like it was planned by a casino and a panic attack. Knockout: I cannot promise stability; I can promise content.
33. Setup: Faith kept me alive. Punchline: But God and I have had some customer service calls. Knockout: I do not question God, I just want the tracking number on the lesson.
34. Setup: People say everything happens for a reason. Punchline: I believe that, but some reasons need better management. Knockout: Some blessings arrive packaged like lawsuits.
35. Setup: I pray differently now. Punchline: I do not ask for patience anymore. That is how you get assigned idiots. Knockout: I ask for wisdom, direct deposit, and fewer tests with personalities.
36. Setup: Anger gets a bad name. Punchline: Anger is often grief wearing work boots. Knockout: My anger was not trying to hurt people; it was trying to guard a kid nobody protected.
37. Setup: I used to explode. Punchline: Now I pause first, because prison has bad Wi-Fi. Knockout: Growth is wanting to say something savage and choosing invoices instead.
38. Setup: My temper got better. Punchline: I still have the thoughts, I just do not let them drive. Knockout: Red is in the passenger seat now, still yelling directions.
39. Setup: Therapy taught me to name my feelings. Punchline: Unfortunately, I named them all after people who owe me apologies. Knockout: My sadness is called Brian and he still has my charger.
40. Setup: Healing taught me boundaries. Punchline: Boundaries are just fences your guilt keeps trying to climb. Knockout: My guilt has upper body strength.
41. Setup: I was good at surviving. Punchline: Survival makes you useful, quiet, and tired in ways sleep cannot fix. Knockout: I was not mature for my age; I was under bad management.
42. Setup: Being the good kid is expensive. Punchline: Everybody gets peace except you. Knockout: You become the family’s unpaid emotional janitor.
43. Setup: I was responsible early. Punchline: Adults called it impressive because they did not want to call it unfair. Knockout: Childhood should not come with a clipboard.
44. Setup: The Candy Kid worked hard. Punchline: I learned hustle before recess. Knockout: Other kids had lunch money; I had startup anxiety.
45. Setup: Losing young teaches you something. Punchline: It teaches you not to relax around good news. Knockout: My happiness still waits for the receipt to clear.
46. Setup: I learned charm from chaos. Punchline: In my family, charisma was sometimes love and sometimes a smoke alarm. Knockout: You had to ask, is this person fun or is the building on fire?
47. Setup: Family can love you and still hurt you. Punchline: That is the part nobody puts on the holiday card. Knockout: Our family photo should have had a warning label and a therapist in the corner.
48. Setup: I come from strong people. Punchline: Strong does not always mean healthy. Sometimes strong just means nobody knew how to stop bleeding. Knockout: We called it toughness because nobody wanted to say untreated.
49. Setup: I respect my past. Punchline: I just do not let it manage my calendar anymore. Knockout: My past can visit, but it is not getting admin access.
50. Setup: Writing the memoir was hard. Punchline: Every chapter was me interviewing a version of myself that did not want to talk. Knockout: My past showed up with receipts and no appointment.
51. Setup: My book has 39 chapters. Punchline: That is not a memoir, that is trauma with a season pass. Knockout: Even Netflix said, brother, maybe combine episodes.
52. Setup: Colors of My Pain has appendices. Punchline: That is how you know the pain was organized by Green. Knockout: My trauma came with bonus material and a printable worksheet.
53. Setup: The Four Colors system is helpful. Punchline: It lets you understand people without immediately calling them crazy. Knockout: It is basically emotional subtitles for people who grew up around volume.
54. Setup: Red people are direct. Punchline: Red does not hint, Red sends the truth without gift wrap. Knockout: Red’s love language is fixing the problem while you are still describing it.
55. Setup: Green people need facts. Punchline: Green can hear “I love you” and ask, based on what data set? Knockout: Green does not need romance, Green needs version history.
56. Setup: Blue people are deep. Punchline: Blue can turn one text into a movie, soundtrack included. Knockout: Blue does not catch feelings, Blue signs a distribution deal.
57. Setup: Yellow people care hard. Punchline: Yellow will bring soup to somebody who gave them food poisoning. Knockout: Yellow’s toxic trait is being emotionally available to a crime scene.
58. Setup: Red and Yellow fight different. Punchline: Red says the problem out loud. Yellow says “I’m fine” like a hostage video. Knockout: By the time Yellow explodes, the documentary already has witnesses.
59. Setup: Green and Blue fight different. Punchline: Green wants a timeline, Blue wants you to understand the moon was in betrayal. Knockout: Green brings evidence; Blue brings weather.
60. Setup: Four Colors made dating clearer. Punchline: Now when a date goes bad, I do not say she is crazy. I say, our colors filed separate tax returns. Knockout: That is maturity with better branding.
61. Setup: Jealousy is not always insecurity. Punchline: Sometimes it is Red doing neighborhood watch on your phone. Knockout: Red sees one heart emoji and starts building a case.
62. Setup: Nonchalant partners confuse me. Punchline: Are you calm, or are you emotionally unemployed? Knockout: Some people call it peace. I call it a customer service hold tone.
63. Setup: Attachment styles are rough. Punchline: Anxious wants closeness, avoidant wants space, and I want both with better Wi-Fi. Knockout: My love life is a group chat where nobody reads the pinned message.
64. Setup: I tried to choose better. Punchline: The first step is realizing your type might be a crime scene with good lighting. Knockout: My standards did not get higher; my emergency exits got clearer.
65. Setup: I used to chase chemistry. Punchline: Chemistry is not compatibility; chemistry is your nervous system clapping for familiar danger. Knockout: My butterflies had warrants.
66. Setup: People say heal before the next relationship. Punchline: Good advice, but healing is slow and loneliness has marketing. Knockout: I downloaded a dating app and my therapist felt a disturbance.
67. Setup: Dating apps are Four Colors in the wild. Punchline: Red says no games, Green lists requirements, Blue uses song lyrics, Yellow says family is everything. Knockout: And everybody is lying about hiking.
68. Setup: At my age, dating is different. Punchline: Nobody is asking your favorite color. They are asking, how many kids, how much debt, and why did your last person survive you? Knockout: First dates after 50 need a preflight checklist.
69. Setup: I am not afraid of love. Punchline: I am afraid of love with poor communication and shared subscriptions. Knockout: Breakups are worse when Netflix still thinks you are a couple.
70. Setup: My work life is Red. Punchline: I wake up like, build, fix, call, sell, clean, post, deploy. Knockout: My to-do list filed a restraining order.
71. Setup: I run businesses. Punchline: That sounds impressive until you realize half my businesses are just my anxiety wearing logos. Knockout: I do not have multiple income streams; I have panic with departments.
72. Setup: Cleaning business taught me humility. Punchline: Nothing makes you spiritual like cleaning up after people with money and bad aim. Knockout: I have seen bathrooms that made my faith switch colors.
73. Setup: Contractors understand pain. Punchline: Every job starts with “simple fix” and ends with a wall confessing family secrets. Knockout: Drywall is just a memoir with studs.
74. Setup: AI is supposed to save time. Punchline: Mine needs setup, passwords, bridges, restarts, and emotional support. Knockout: I bought artificial intelligence and became tech support for a robot intern.
75. Setup: I built AI helpers. Punchline: Now I have employees that do not sleep and still somehow need supervision. Knockout: Even my bots have childhood patterns.
76. Setup: My laptop and desktop need to talk. Punchline: I have been trying to connect two computers while my own Four Colors cannot connect before noon. Knockout: The bridge is broken because Red built it, Green audited it, Blue redesigned it, and Yellow apologized to the laptop.
77. Setup: My browser tabs are a problem. Punchline: Every open tab is a dream I did not finish judging me silently. Knockout: Chrome is not a browser on my computer, it is a support group.
78. Setup: My ideas multiply. Punchline: I cannot have one project. One project gets lonely and starts a family. Knockout: I open a notebook and five businesses fall out.
79. Setup: I am trying to make money from pain. Punchline: Not in a bad way. In America, if your pain has branding, it is wellness. Knockout: Trauma plus a checkout button equals entrepreneurship.
80. Setup: The healing industry is wild. Punchline: Everybody says do the work, but nobody says the work has late fees. Knockout: Inner peace should come with financing.
81. Setup: I used to think success would calm me down. Punchline: No, success just gives anxiety better furniture. Knockout: Now my stress has lighting and a logo.
82. Setup: Money changes people. Punchline: Mostly because broke people are already changed, we just cannot afford witnesses. Knockout: Poverty is a personality test with overdraft fees.
83. Setup: My color in money is Red. Punchline: Red wants to make it, spend it, fix everything, then ask where it went. Knockout: My budget is just Green watching Red leave the casino.
84. Setup: Green money people save. Punchline: Green can stretch a dollar until the eagle needs therapy. Knockout: Green’s idea of romance is a paid-off card.
85. Setup: Blue money people buy the vibe. Punchline: Blue says this purchase will help me become myself. Knockout: Brother, that is a lamp.
86. Setup: Yellow money people give too much. Punchline: Yellow will help someone move, buy lunch, and apologize for being tired. Knockout: Yellow needs a Venmo boundary.
87. Setup: Forgiveness is complicated. Punchline: People want you to forgive fast because your pain makes the room awkward. Knockout: I forgive, but I am not giving the wound a guest room.
88. Setup: Family forgiveness is harder. Punchline: Because everybody remembers different versions of the same fire. Knockout: At reunions, the truth shows up late and nobody saved it a plate.
89. Setup: I do not want revenge. Punchline: I want receipts, clarity, and maybe a tight 12 minutes. Knockout: The healthiest revenge is a sold-out room and clean audio.
90. Setup: Comedy lets pain breathe. Punchline: The joke is not the wound; the joke is the wound finally charging admission. Knockout: Tonight my pain is not crying, it is headlining.
91. Setup: Stand-up is honest. Punchline: You cannot fake healing on stage because the crowd can smell a lie through a two-drink minimum. Knockout: The mic is cheaper than therapy but it heckles back.
92. Setup: My pain has timing now. Punchline: That is growth. It used to interrupt me, now it waits for the punchline. Knockout: Trauma with rhythm is called a set.
93. Setup: I used to hide the truth. Punchline: Now I tell it with a callback and hope nobody sues. Knockout: Memoir is when your secrets get stage time.
94. Setup: The book is serious. Punchline: The comedy is not mocking it, it is making the coping mechanisms confess. Knockout: I respect the wound, but the excuses are getting roasted.
95. Setup: People ask why I joke about pain. Punchline: Because if I do not, pain starts talking without a mic. Knockout: I would rather control the set than let my past improvise.
96. Setup: I am still standing. Punchline: Not gracefully. More like a folding chair after Thanksgiving. Knockout: Bent, loud, and somehow still useful.
97. Setup: I made it through survival mode. Punchline: The problem is survival mode does not send a graduation certificate. Knockout: You just wake up one day safe and still checking exits.
98. Setup: I am learning peace. Punchline: Peace is weird when chaos raised you. Knockout: Calm feels suspicious, like a bill that says paid in full.
99. Setup: Colors of My Pain is not a revenge story. Punchline: It is a repair manual written by a man who broke the tools first. Knockout: I did not come to expose my family; I came to stop handing the same knife to the next generation.
100. Setup: Here is the real closer. Punchline: My pain had colors, my family had silence, my anger had a job, and my love had bad directions. Knockout: But I made it language, I made it a book, I made it a show, and tonight the thing that almost buried me is paying cover.

Best 10 To Build First

1. 100 - final closer.
2. 11 - franchised the wound.
3. 2 - childhood as adulthood free trial.
4. 5 - inner chaos seating chart.
5. 76 - laptop/desktop/Four Colors bridge.
6. 90 - pain charging admission.
7. 65 - butterflies had warrants.
8. 72 - cleaning business humility.
9. 51 - 39 chapters / trauma season pass.
10. 99 - repair manual / stop passing pain forward.



Full Jokes

1. I’m 50 years old and I’ve been engaged three times—and still can’t find a commitment. My relationships are like refunds: I get excited at first, but they always end up denied.
2. Caught my first felony at 19, so I guess that makes me a professional at bad choices. I’m just one bad decision away from the "Longest Wait for Love" record.
3. When I moved to Vegas with just $700, I thought, "This is a new beginning!" Turns out it was more of a “one-way ticket to sleep on air mattresses and gamble my dignity away.”
4. I clean toilets for a living now, which sounds much worse until you realize they’re way cleaner than my love life. At least toilets don't judge when I’m crying over yet another failed engagement.
5. I quit drinking because I thought it might help me get my act together. Apparently, sobriety only helped my problems get louder.
6. My dad died and left me a phone number I can’t delete. It’s like the ultimate ghost, haunting me with “also, you can really use my life insurance right now.”
7. I’m single, living with three dogs, and people say my life smells like a combination of bad decisions and dog farts.
8. Estranged from my family for 12 years! At this point, they might just be on my "People I f*cked over" list—too bad the list is just me and the dogs.
9. I built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer—too bad AI’s the only buzz I get these days. At this rate, I should just program a robot to love me, because humans just keep crashing.
10. I gave my pain colors, but all I got were different shades of regret. Could’ve just asked my exes; they could have painted it for me.
11. So yeah, I’m on the sober train—it’s just a slow ride with three barking reminders of how less romantic I’ve become.
12. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you dog hair, well… you vacuum it up and cry about your failed aspirations.
13. Every time I see my life in colors, I realize it’s just the grim palette of neglect and unfulfilled dreams.
14. I mean, at some point, you learn that the only thing less stable than Vegas is my dating profile.
15. People say cleaning toilets is humbling. Yeah, well, try having three dogs as a wingman on Tinder. It’s a whole new level of rejection.
16. They say money can’t buy happiness, but at least with a few bucks, I can afford the world's tiniest shred of dignity... and perhaps a silk air mattress.
17. With a lifetime like this, at least I’m guaranteed to get a killer special on Netflix one day. Who knew broken lives could be the next big hit?
18. In the end, raising a toast to my nonexistent love life: here’s to hoping my real soulmate is a thing like AI… and maybe, if I’m lucky, it’ll even laugh at my jokes.
19. So, I’m 50, single, and I’ve had three engagements… I’m basically the ultimate starter kit for a failed sitcom.
20. Caught a felony at 19, but let’s be honest, I was just trying to make my life as dramatic as possible. Who needs Netflix when you can have a criminal record, am I right?
21. Came to Vegas with $700, and now I clean toilets for a living. So, I guess you could say I’m still chasing that dream of losing money in spectacular ways.
22. I quit drinking to better my life, which is great… until you find out that sobriety means you have to confront your feelings, like a screaming toddler with a sugar rush.
23. My dad left me a phone number when he died, one I can’t delete. I mean, it’s a lot like my life choices—always there, never helpful.
24. I’m single and I have three dogs, which basically means I’m romantically outnumbered by creatures that lick their own butts.
25. Estranged from my family for 12 years; some people call that a tragedy, I call it “winning the no-drama lottery.”
26. Built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer—because if you can't get human laughter, why not settle for the cold, judgmental silence of machines?
27. I’ve given my pain colors. The only problem is, all the colors look like a toddler’s art project gone wrong.
28. I mean, what qualifies as a success at my age? Tracking down every sock I own? I should be getting awards for that.
29. You know your life is a mess when the only “connections” you have are with your Wi-Fi and the pizza delivery guy.
30. Life has broken me in so many ways; I’m practically a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces, lost under the couch of existence.
31. Every time I see my reflection, I feel like even my shadow is embarrassed to be hanging out with me.
32. Cleaning toilets might be my calling, but let’s be real: I’m still better at flushing relationships than I am working with a plunger.
33. I might have built an empire out of AI, but my heart is still running on Windows 95: outdated and full of bugs.
34. Every dog I own looks at me like, “This human? Seriously?” I think they’re secretly plotting an escape.
35. At this point, I’m starting to think my best relationship is with my air mattress – it’s the only thing in my life that doesn’t deflate when I’m around.
36. At 50 years old, I've been engaged three times and married zero, which, at this point, makes me the only guy in Vegas with better odds at a blackjack table than at love.
37. I once caught a felony at 19; now I can’t even catch a break. Even my life decisions come with a criminal record.
38. Came to Vegas with $700, and it disappeared faster than my chances of happiness. Honestly, I could have used the money to buy a therapist instead of an air mattress.
39. Cleaning toilets for a living? It’s the perfect job for a guy who’s mastered the art of flushing away his hopes and dreams.
40. Quitting drinking was a real turning point for me. Now, I just wallow in my misery sober—trust me, the hangovers were a blast compared to this existential crisis.
41. My dad passed and left me a phone number I can’t delete. It’s a real kick in the gut when the only inheritance you get is a reminder that your family ghosted you.
42. I’m single with three dogs, which is basically the setup for a rom-com—if the lead actor had given up and started wearing sweatpants full-time.
43. Estranged from my family for 12 years? That’s just my dad’s way of ensuring I can’t get his number again for a family reunion.
44. I built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer, proving that even my imaginary friends don’t want to hang out with me.
45. People think my life is a tragedy; I think it’s a really dark sitcom—someone call Netflix and get me a laugh track!
46. Colors of My Pain? Sounds pretty, but let’s be real—it’s mostly shades of regret and poor life choices.
47. Being broke in Vegas means your best chance of winning is at a bingo hall where everyone else is blind and deaf. Lucky for me, I know where every toilet is in town!
48. They say dogs make great companions. Mine just make me feel better about failing at human relationships.
49. At this point, I have more loyalty from my dogs than I do from my exes. They don’t ghost; they just bark at strangers.
50. If you want a symbol of my broken life, check out my air mattress—it’s seen more action than I have in years.
51. Sober and single in Sin City? That’s like calling yourself “the life of the party” while wiping down tables.
52. For every engagement ring I didn't get back, I can buy a lifetime supply of toilet bowl cleaner.
53. If I’m the mayor of my life, then I need to revoke my own citizenship. At least I’d finally have a reason to get out of this air mattress!
54. At 50, I’m like that old car you keep fixing up, hoping someday it’ll drive off into the sunset... just to find out it can only get a few blocks before breaking down again.
55. I came to Vegas with $700 looking for a jackpot, but all I found was an air mattress that deflated faster than my dreams.
56. I’ve been engaged three times without a single marriage... at this point, I’m pretty sure I should just start a support group for commitment-phobes.
57. Cleans toilets for a living... that’s right, folks, I work my way through dating by saying, “I know how to handle crap!"
58. I quit drinking, which is like trying to go to Vegas for the entertainment but only ending up at the laundromat.
59. My dad left me a phone number when he died. So, I guess you could say I’m finally in touch... with my black hole of promises!
60. I built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer... it would have been easier to download my self-esteem.
61. Three dogs and I still can’t find someone to love me like they do. I guess slobber just has more charm than I ever will.
62. Estranged from my family for 12 years... so I went ahead and built my own dysfunctional sitcom. It’s called "Two and a Half Dogs."
63. I gave my pain colors, but it turns out I'm really just painting like a toddler on a sugar rush.
64. I consider myself a master of self-destruction. My life should come with a warning label: “May spontaneously implode.”
65. Every time I try to fix my life, I end up giving it a fresh coat of denial instead.
66. They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade... but all I got was a half-eaten lemon and a scowl from my dogs.
67. At 50, I’m like Wi-Fi in a black hole; searching for connection but always getting lost.
68. You know progress is slow when your life story sounds like an episode of 'Unsolved Mysteries.'
69. I finally quit drinking, but now my biggest addiction is binge-watching regret on TV.
70. If life is a stage, I’m currently stuck in the props department. But I guess someday I'll make it to a proper audition… if my air mattress can hold all this weight.
71. In the game of life, I’m the player who shows up with no chips and ends up betting on a prayer.
72. I know I said I'm 50, but if my life were a dating profile, it would just say "It's complicated."
73. I’m engaged three times and married zero, which is just a fancy way of saying I'm way better at breaking hearts than I am at building relationships.
74. My dad left me a phone number in his will, but no one told me this was the world’s saddest game of hide and seek.
75. Moved to Vegas broke with $700. I guess you could say I’ve always been good at going all in… on disappointment.
76. I've been cleaning toilets for a living. In my defense, I just got tired of the shit in my life and wanted a career that matched.
77. After quitting drinking, I realized that sobriety is like having sex with the lights on—suddenly you see everything you never noticed before and it ain't pretty.
78. I built an AI comedy empire with a supercomputer. Mostly the computer just teases me about my life decisions, though.
79. Honestly, I’d hire that AI to help me with my dating life but, spoiler alert, it’s not bringing the ladies home either.
80. I’m single and have three dogs, which I can only assume means I’m building my own version of a highly dysfunctional family.
81. They say having dogs will save you from being alone… but they can’t pay bills, and they definitely can’t put up with my existential crises.
82. I spent 12 years estranged from my family. Now my phone contacts look more like a dog pedigree than a family tree.
83. I tried to give my pain colors with my project "colorsofmypain.” Turns out all of it is just various shades of sadness and regret.
84. I’m the perfect example of how to succeed at failure. I should start offering workshops -  “Failing Like a Pro!”
85. I tell people I’m a committed individual. Too bad that commitment is strictly to my dogs and the air mattress I sleep on.
86. I realized my life is like a sitcom—except it’s all tragedy, no laughs... and the audience is deaf.
87. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but I’ve taught myself three different ways to clean a toilet.
88. I was never given the manual for life, but I definitely got the condensed version: “Screw it up frequently and wear it like a badge.”
89. I came to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress, which is kind of like showing up to a buffet with an empty plate and giving the chef a heartfelt speech about your dreams.
90. I’ve been engaged three times and married zero; you know, at this point my ring finger should just start charging rent.
91. Cleaning toilets for a living is pretty humbling. My only coworkers are three dogs who just sit on the couch judging me for my life choices.
92. A felony at 19? Yeah, it’s like adding a cherry on top of a really sad sundae that no one wants to share.
93. I quit drinking, but fortunately my dogs still drink enough for the entire litter.
94. My dad died and left me a phone number I can’t delete, which is the kind of next-level ghosting I never prepared for.
95. Single for over a decade, my dating life is like a bad magic trick: “Now you see it, now you... oh, it’s just me and the dogs again.”
96. I used to think sobriety would be a clear path to enlightenment—turns out it's just a clear path to binge-watching crime documentaries alone at midnight.
97. I built an AI comedy empire on a supercomputer, but even the computer cringes at my jokes so hard it has to reboot.
98. My life is so broken, I once considered auditioning for a reality show called "Extreme Makeover: Sad Edition."
99. Every time I clean a toilet, I can't help but feel like I’m just preparing for my next engagement party.
100. I gave my pain colors through art, and honestly, I think I was just trying to start a new career as a cult leader for emotionally damaged house pets.



Punchlines

1. Jesse’s life is like a Vegas slot machine—full of hope but pays out zero; even the slots knew better than to give him a break.
2. That felony from 19 years old is the only commitment he can maintain for a lifetime—at least it didn’t leave him at the altar.
3. Engaged three times but zero marriages; it’s almost like he's auditioning for a rom-com with terrible reviews.
4. Show me a man who cleans toilets for a living, and I’ll show you Jesse—picking up the pieces of his life one crap at a time.
5. He moved to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress—talk about betting your life on a cocktail of bad decisions!
6. Sober and single, Jesse must think his dogs are the only ones who understand his pain—unfortunately, they don't help with the bills.
7. His dad died and left him a phone number he can’t delete, showing that even in death, Dad's still playing the blame game.
8. Who knew building an AI comedy empire was just as fulfilling as shouting at clouds while cleaning up poop?
9. Jesse gives his pain colors; they all look like the regret of dating the wrong people after three failed engagements.
10. I’d say he’s living the dream, but at 50, he's still sleeping on an air mattress—if that’s the dream, I want a refund.
11. Three dogs? At this point, they're the only legitimate relationships he’s got—at least they wag their tails when he walks in.
12. Jesse’s built an empire, and by empire, I mean he’s declared his apartment the kingdom of Never Gonna Happen.
13. Estranged from his family for 12 years; talk about giving up on the family reunion... guess he didn’t want to be a happy accident.
14. His life is like an AI-generated joke—most people don’t get it, but hey, at least it’s still programmed to fail!
15. With a relationship history like Jesse’s, I’d say he’s the real-life embodiment of “one out of every two marriages ends in divorce.”
16. He’s the poster child for why sobriety should come with a “no seriously, you’re still gonna have to deal with your shit” manual.
17. His whole life is like a punchline waiting for a setup—unfortunately, the setup just keeps getting worse.
18. With his luck, even his AI could turn out to be a no-show at a comedy gig—looks like we found the algorithm for failure!
19. At this rate, Jesse could run for president of the "Lost Causes Club," slogan: “At least the dogs love me!”
20. Jesse’s life is like that kid's song: "The wheels on the bus go round and round," only his bus is a broken down toilet.
21. At 50, he’s still waiting for someone to say, “Do you clean toilets for a living? I always wanted a plumber with a PhD in disappointment.”
22. Jesse came to Vegas with $700—he thought it was enough to pay for a life coach or buy a fortune cookie that could at least point him to his next mistake.
23. Three fiancées and zero wives? At this point, he’s basically the poster child for "Here Comes the Bride... again, but not for you."
24. Caught a felony at 19—at least he got a head start on his upcoming 10-year reality show: "America's Most Wanted Ex-Boyfriend."
25. He’s sober now, but I guess cleaning toilets puts the "pee" in "milestone."
26. Left broke and sleeping on an air mattress? At least he was ahead of the curve on the inflation of expectations!
27. Jesse’s dad left him a phone number he can’t delete—at least it’s a reminder of his familial relationships being as permanent as his court record.
28. Being single with three dogs is just a long-term investment in furry therapists; someone’s still got to listen to his sock drawer existential crises.
29. If he’s building an AI comedy empire, his supercomputer probably just filed for a restraining order after hearing his punchlines.
30. His pain has colors, but the only shade he seems to grab is “desperation chic.”
31. Estranged from his family for 12 years—talk about the longest “we need to talk” text he’ll never receive!
32. You know your life is a mess when even your AI thinks the best punchline is “upgrade required.”
33. Jesse left behind a life of drinking but can’t seem to shake the puddles he’s created everywhere else!
34. With three dogs and no family, he’s only one cat away from becoming a full-time “but nobody loves me” meme.
35. When you turn 50 and a felony is the most colorful thing about you—guess it won’t be on the cover of “Good Housekeeping”!
36. The only thing broken about Jesse’s life is his credit score and his ability to keep relationships out of the doghouse.
37. Congratulations, Jesse! You’ve mastered adulting—just far better at it in your fantasy world than reality!
38. Jesse’s got three dogs because even they can't escape from his issues—at least their love doesn’t come with a prenuptial agreement.
39. At 50, he’s got enough engagement rings to open a kiosk in the mall... if only he could clean toilets without losing his dignity.
40. Came to Vegas with $700? That explains why his only slot machine is a toilet he cleans for a living.
41. His entire life in Vegas is like a bad magic trick—poof! There goes his money, and surprise! He’s still alone.
42. With an AI comedy empire, Jesse turned his pain into laughs, proving that even broken people can have a sense of humor—kind of like his air mattress.
43. After quitting drinking, he now wakes up hungover from sadness instead of vodka.
44. "Built" an empire on a supercomputer? That’s just what he calls the collection of all those emails begging his dad to come back.
45. Strangely enough, the only thing Jesse's dad left him is a number he can't delete—guess he wants to keep the ghost of rejection alive.
46. Engaged three times but single now—it’s like he’s auditioning for a sequel no one wants to watch.
47. His family estranged for 12 years? Jesse’s the only guy who pings relatives faster than Christmas invites.
48. “Colorsofmypain”—because when your life’s a mess, even your creativity needs a paint job.
49. Every day he cleans toilets, and every night he paints a picture of his failures—one brush stroke that smells like regret.
50. Went sober to clear his head, but now he just hears the echoing silence of all his bad decisions.
51. Jesse's relationships can be summarized as: "I love dogs more than people, and trust me, they’re loyal."
52. He thought about starting a support group for his broken heart, but it might just turn into a puppy adoption event.
53. Living in Vegas broke and alone, he’s basically just a walking Tinder profile for lost causes.
54. Trying to find love before fifty is like cleaning a toilet with a toothpick—nobody wins, and it’s just a lot of scraping.
55. And remember, Jesse’s not just a toilet cleaner; he’s an artist. His medium? Heartbreak and a paper towel.
56. Jesse's led a life so twisted even his air mattress has commitment issues.
57. To say he’s a catch would be like saying a toilet cleaner is just a sanitation enthusiast.
58. He went to Vegas with $700; that’s not an investment, that's just a payment for a place to sleep... or a turkey sandwich.
59. Engaged three times but somehow can’t even commit to folding the fitted sheet.
60. I mean, he's had so many failed relationships even his three dogs have better love lives.
61. Sober at 50? More like the only thing dry in his life is the air mattress he sleeps on.
62. He cleans toilets for a living—he might as well just keep diving deeper into that metaphor.
63. When life handed Jesse lemons, he immediately escalated to creating a supercomputer—because screw lemonade!
64. His dad left him a phone number? Buddy, it’d be easier to go ghost hunting than that.
65. I can see Jesse at the family reunion: “Hey, is that Uncle Clyde? Nah, just my emotional baggage.”
66. He's built an AI comedy empire; too bad it's 90% pain and 10% punchlines about cleaning up others’ messes.
67. With all that talent in agony, Jesse should just start charging admission for his life story.
68. Who needs a therapist when you can have three dogs and a half-broken supercomputer?
69. His life’s like an AI experiment—half successful, mostly awkward, and nobody really gets it.
70. If Jesse's life were a color, it'd be a murky brown—because you know that toilet's seen some things.
71. Every time he connects with someone, it’s like a bad reboot—everyone’s just waiting for the buffering circle to end.
72. Jesse calls it “Colors of My Pain,” but honestly, it should be “Shades of Regret.”
73. He's basically the poster child for why the family tree needs regular prunings.
74. I hope his supercomputer at least does his social life a solid and shuts down on Saturdays.
75. Jesse’s life is like a flavored air freshener—smells sweet, but you know it’s just masking the shit underneath.
76. After three engagements and no marriages, he’s less “wedding ring” and more “wedding fling.”
77. He came to Vegas with $700—sounds like he was betting on the only thing left in his life that’s broke: his spirit.
78. Cleaning toilets for a living? Jesse’s literally taking away the shit that his love life left behind.
79. He quit drinking but still wakes up with a hangover—life went sober but made sure to keep the pain.
80. His dad left him a phone number, but I’m guessing it’s not for dad advice; it’s probably for a family reunion that’s still in the wrong zip code.
81. Three dogs? They're the only ones still willing to wag their tails at him.
82. Building an AI comedy empire? Somehow it just feels like the machines are mocking him for not getting laid.
83. Estranged from his family for 12 years? At least they’re consistent—they’ve known how to avoid his calls since '11.
84. The only color in Jesse’s pain palette? Shades of regret and a heavy drizzle of loneliness.
85. He built an empire on a supercomputer, but I’m betting it's just the world's priciest therapy session at this point.
86. For his 50th birthday, he should give himself a break: a new air mattress and a warning label for future relationships.
87. It’s hard out here—one minute you're young and reckless, the next you're 50, single, and talking to your dogs about your exes.
88. Jesse’s life advice is simple: don’t put all your eggs in one basket; just drop them everywhere and let fate scramble them.
89. Dating Jesse has fewer winning combinations than slot machines—at least they actually pay out sometimes.
90. Cleaning toilets might pay the bills, but it’s the only job where you can receive compliments and be insulted in the same breath.
91. You think sobriety is tough? Try being broke, single, and stuck in a life that feels like a bad punchline.
92. Every family reunion Jesse misses just adds another broken table to the pile of his life’s disasters.
93. He’s so good at cleaning toilets; I bet he could polish up the stains on his dating profile too.
94. Jesse’s life is like a poorly constructed air mattress—full of hot air and always deflated at the worst time.
95. At this point, the only thing Jesse has caught more than a felony is a cold from that air mattress.
96. Engaged three times? At this rate, he should just start collecting engagement rings like Pokémon cards.
97. Jesse moved to Vegas with $700 and ended up richer in regrets than he ever was in cash.
98. Cleaning toilets for a living? That’s one way to get to the bottom of things.
99. Sober now, Jesse’s idea of a high is getting his dogs to sit on command.
100. The last time Jesse’s love life wasn’t a dumpster fire, it didn’t even exist.



Knockouts

1. Jesse's life is like a Vegas slot machine—broken, but he keeps pulling the lever hoping for a jackpot while still cleaning toilets.
2. At this point, his only family is three dogs that might be better companions than any of his fiancées—at least they can’t throw a cheap ring back in his face.
3. He’s been engaged three times and all he’s got to show for it is a trifold brochure about how not to get married in Vegas.
4. He came to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress—one a gamble, the other a metaphor for his love life—deflated and sad.
5. Jesse’s sobriety is inspiring, although I can’t decide if quitting drinking was a life choice or a survival tactic after looking at his credit score.
6. I mean, if you think about it, cleaning toilets is just a step up from his last relationship—at least with toilets, he knows what he’s getting into.
7. His dad left him a phone number he can’t delete—like a cruel joke from the grave, maybe dad was poking fun at Jesse’s decision-making skills.
8. Having zero marriages but three dogs is just Jesse's way of saying he's been through the ringer and now prefers unconditional love minus the alimony.
9. Built an AI comedy empire? More like built a giant computer designed to kick him while he’s down—at least the machine laughs with him.
10. His life is like an air mattress that never fully inflates; there’s always some underlying deflation that he just can’t seem to fix.
11. He calls it “colorsofmypain,” but it’s mostly just the dull grays of misfortune with a splash of “how did I end up here?”
12. Jesse's still harboring a felony from when he was 19—where’s the forgiveness in that? Damn, even criminals have rights—his just expired first!
13. He's estranged from family for 12 years—perhaps they saw the signs early, like avoiding a drunk driver in Vegas on New Year’s Eve.
14. His dating profile reads like a horror movie synopsis: "Single man, three dogs, a felony, and my dad’s ghost stalking my contacts!"
15. He could run a workshop on how to be the enduring symbol of bad decisions—his life is a masterclass of “What Not to Do.”
16. The man’s more adept at cleaning messes than he is at avoiding them—these days he doesn’t get hungover, just a little more dirty.
17. He’s the only guy I know who could turn a supercomputer into a therapist and still end up paying for an AI version of “It’s Not You, It’s Me.”
18. Honestly, if Jesse can find comedy in his broken life, we should probably award him an honorary degree in disaster management.
19. If this whole comedy empire doesn’t pan out, Jesse could always regroup and offer relationship advice—just kidding, even his dogs wouldn’t sign up for that!
20. Jesse came to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress—two things that perfectly sum up his life: barely enough to get by and deflated.
21. He’s 50, engaged three times, married zero. At this rate, he’ll be available for adoption before he finds a bride.
22. Cleaning toilets for a living—who knew after 19 years in the system, his career would still be all about flushing?
23. Jesse’s dad died and left him a phone number he can't delete. Honestly, it probably belongs to a therapist.
24. He's been so estranged from his family for the last 12 years, they probably think he’s an unsolved mystery.
25. He’s sober now, which is great—nothing like cleaning toilets to remind you how much you've been avoiding your own mess.
26. Dating as a 50-year-old with three dogs is rough. It’s like being a Tinder profile for hoarders.
27. He built an AI comedy empire. Too bad no one told him the only thing funnier than his jokes is his life.
28. He gave his pain colors—let’s call them beige and regret.
29. Living alone with three dogs, Jesse's just one more bad date away from one of those "crazy dog dad" Instagram accounts.
30. He's like a comedic Picasso—if Picasso painted sad clowns on an air mattress.
31. At 50 years old, Jesse could probably put "professional loser" on his resume and still get hired.
32. His life reads like a tragic sitcom where the laugh track just gets quieter and quieter.
33. He tried to monetize his pain, but at this point, it's mostly just a donation jar labeled “Help Jesse Buy His 4th Air Mattress.”
34. Jesse's like a vintage wine—expired, fermented, and best served with some strong regrets.
35. With all these dogs in his life, he’s just one emergency vet visit away from starring in “50 Shades of Barking Sadness.”
36. Imagine going through a midlife crisis while cleaning up after other people's shit—talk about a come-to-Jesus moment.
37. Well, Jesse’s life may be broken, but at least he’s got plenty of color to paint that darkness with.
38. Jesse came to Vegas with $700, proving even his money management has commitment issues.
39. Three engagements but zero marriages — at least those rings still sparkle in the pawn shop.
40. He’s cleaned toilets for a living, which is fitting—nothing like removing human waste to feel ultra-committed.
41. Sober now, but with a phone number from his dead dad he can’t delete — some bonds really stink!
42. Built an AI comedy empire with a supercomputer — guess he upgraded from toilet humor to… well, super toilet humor.
43. This man gives his pain colors, but his life looks more like a paint spill in a Home Depot.
44. He’s the only guy I know who drops his dogs off at the kennel for a “family reunion.”
45. 30 years of estrangement? Jesse’s got more distance with his family than they have in Phoenix!
46. Single, with three dogs — so, obviously, romance is a little furrier than he planned.
47. Marriage dodged like his family dodged the subject of him entirely.
48. At least his air mattress has been loyal; unlike his luck, it only deflates at night.
49. Whose bright idea was it to put a felon in the bathroom business? "Hey, Jesse, how’s your life washing down?"
50. If life gives you lemons, Jesse makes a martini—oh wait, he’s sober now; guess he just licks them.
51. With each “why haven’t you married yet?” he levels up his inner “deal with it.”
52. He’s in Vegas for the excitement, but mostly because Nebraska had him on the nobody’s list.
53. Fifty and free, overdue for a punchline, or is he just the punchline?
54. Remember Jesse when he was down? Well, now he’s just a “toilet seat philosopher.”
55. And one day, he’ll look at his AI empire, chuckle, and think: "This is way cleaner than any organized crime family!"
56. Jesse came to Vegas with $700—perfect for a guy whose existence is a tragic slasher film but with worse plot twists.
57. At 50, he’s engaged three times, which means he must have excellent taste in dodging commitments... or the world's worst Tinder profile.
58. Caught a felony at 19—most people are busy cracking open cold ones; Jesse was busy cracking open a can of “I’m gonna regret this.”
59. Clean toilets for a living? His life truly is a laugh; he gives the phrase ‘life going down the drain’ a whole new meaning.
60. He quit drinking... which makes sense since he clearly ran out of drink options that wouldn’t legally bind him to someone for life.
61. His dad left him a phone number he can’t delete—kind of like that regrettable tattoo of a “love” symbol you get in prison.
62. Single with three dogs, so at least he doesn't have to dodge three pesky ex-wives trying to drag him into a collection agency.
63. Estranged from his family for 12 years—they say family is everything… until you realize "everything" can also mean "nightmares."
64. Built an AI comedy empire—nothing says you’ve hit rock bottom like creating a virtual friend who’s funnier and more successful than you’ll ever be.
65. Gave his pain colors—too bad they’re all shades of disappointment, defeat, and a sprinkle of “dying alone with regret.”
66. Cleans toilets by day and dabbles in comedy by night—a true renaissance man, if Reno's renaissance consisted of bad life choices.
67. You can tell he’s serious about sobriety because nothing else has wiped away the smell of desperation quite like a toilet brush.
68. Living in Vegas, it’s ironic; his life is the real gamble, and the odds are never in his favor.
69. At this point, he’s only one lottery ticket away from either salvation or bankruptcy—fingers crossed for bankruptcy!
70. “Colorsofmypain” sounds like an art installation no one likes but everyone pays to see out of morbid curiosity.
71. His supercomputer may produce jokes, but it’ll never compute how deep that loneliness really goes—too many variables, too few results.
72. The only thing darker than his humor is his dating history, and both would fail a background check.
73. So here’s to Jesse, the man who turned toilet humor into a life philosophy—congratulations on cleaning up... sort of!
74. Jesse’s life is like a Vegas slot machine—he put in a lot of coins and still landed on “no jackpot.”
75. After three failed engagements, it's clear that his real soulmate is the toilet bowl he cleans for a living.
76. He came to Vegas with $700 and an air mattress—because sleeping on the floor was just too comfortable.
77. Jesse quit drinking, which is great, because his life is already a sob story and not even vodka can drown that out.
78. His dad left him a phone number he can't delete; it’s like the world’s worst inheritance.
79. Instead of a family, he’s got three dogs and a supercomputer, which are only slightly better company.
80. Last year, Jesse started an AI comedy empire, mainly to distract himself from the pain of being... well, Jesse.
81. He’s built a life around the color of his pain; right now, it’s a dull shade of “where did I go wrong?”
82. At least he’s sober—it’s nice to see a man who cleans toilets without a hangover weighing him down.
83. They say laughter is the best medicine; too bad he can't afford the prescription.
84. His estrangement from family is like a Vegas buffet—too much to eat, and you end up feeling worse off.
85. With a supercomputer helping with his comedy, it's the first time anyone's laughed at his life instead of with it.
86. His dating life is like a broken ATM—always out of service, with no refunds for the heartaches.
87. At 50 years old, he’s mastered ironically being alone while surrounded by dogs that don’t judge him... much.
88. Life dealt Jesse the hand of a poker loser, but he still managed to bluff his way into the comedy scene.
89. Every time he thinks of his dad, it's like getting a bad text; he wishes he could 'unsend' the memories.
90. He’s got three loyal dogs who don’t care if he’s single, but thank God they can’t file for a divorce!
91. Jesse's humbling journey reminds us that falling short isn’t the end, unless you’re doing it off an air mattress.
92. If life’s a joke, Jesse’s still waiting for the punchline, probably because it's locked in some AI program somewhere!
93. Jesse's living proof that you can build an empire out of nothing—except, of course, a felony and a broken heart.
94. At 50, with three failed engagements, you can officially start calling him the "Doomsday Groom."
95. He came to Vegas broke with $700, a classic case of "Hopes and Dog Hair."
96. This guy's so single that even his dogs have started asking for a family meeting.
97. Cleaning toilets pays the bills, but it’s the emotional hazards you can't scrub away.
98. Sober now? That’s great—once you realize your life was all downhill, booze just seems redundant.
99. His dad left him a phone number he can't delete; talk about getting ghosted from beyond the grave.
100. Three dogs, no family, and an AI comedy empire—someone's really held onto their “Crisis Club” membership.



Tags

1. Jesse’s life is like Vegas—break glass in case of emergency, but it’s always empty.
2. He's been engaged three times—guess he's just letting the wrong people swipe right.
3. That felony at 19? The first time he learned that breaking the law involves breaking like five hearts afterward.
4. Sober and cleaning toilets, so now he's just scrubbing away at his own bad decisions.
5. $700 in Vegas? That’s not a bankroll, that’s a starter pack for a tragic comedy.
6. Sleeping on an air mattress? The only thing flat here is his dating life.
7. His dad left him a phone number he can't delete, but it’s just to call a therapist.
8. Three dogs, and yet his biggest commitment issues still have paws.
9. His estranged family felt more like a bad plot twist he can’t rewrite.
10. He built an AI comedy empire—guess his jokes are now more relatable than his relationships.
11. “Colors Of My Pain” sounds like a sad crayon box, but at least it's not a memoir.
12. Quit drinking but still serving shots—just not the fun kind anymore.
13. His supercomputer is the only thing in his life that hasn't crashed and burned.
14. Jesse’s dating life is like a toilet—always getting flushed before it can go anywhere.
15. Turning his pain into something beautiful? That’s either art or he just needs better hobbies.
16. His life is so broken; even his dogs won’t fetch him happiness.
17. He’s single and three dogs deep—guess the only thing he's trained to love is loyalty.
18. With all that drama, Jesse should've just applied for a reality show—just him and his AI.
19. Each day’s a clean slate—too bad he’s using it to scrub toilets instead of echoes of laughter.
20. At 50, Jesse's still waiting for someone to swipe right on his life – he’s got three dogs but no “paw-sibilities.”
21. Broke in Vegas with $700, he’s just a Hollywood blockbuster waiting for a better budget.
22. Caught a felony at 19? That's one way to ensure your résumé screams "hire me… if you dare!"
23. Three failed engagements later, he’s basically the National Park for broken hearts – open for tours!
24. He cleans toilets for a living, which means he’s officially the royal flush of the family.
25. Quitting drinking is nice, but his sober life is like walking a tightrope with no net… on a windy day!
26. His dad left him a phone number he can’t delete – that’s family baggage you can’t even check at the airport.
27. Engaged three times and still single, maybe he’s just practicing for the Olympic Games of heartbreak.
28. Three dogs keep him company, but even they look at him like, “You thought having us would help?”
29. He built an AI comedy empire – he’s not just coding laughs, he’s coding his survival!
30. “Colors of my pain” sounds poetic until they realize it’s just a glittery way to say he’s still sad.
31. Jesse’s life is like an air mattress – filled with nothing and constantly deflating at the worst moments.
32. Sober now, but with enough mental baggage to make TSA consider a body search.
33. You’d think after one felony he’d steer clear of trouble; turns out he’s just collecting them like Pokémon.
34. For all the estranged family drama, he probably has enough material for a Netflix series… if only they were family-friendly.
35. His personal life looks like a DIY project gone terribly wrong – where’s the manual?
36. Three dogs might keep away the loneliness, but they can’t fetch him a date.
37. Every punchline in his life hits harder than any drunk decision he ever regretted.
38. At this rate, Jesse’s not just broke; he’s experiencing fiscal “extreme home makeover.”
39. Jesse's life is like a Kardashian show, but without the cameras and with a lot more toilet scrubbing.
40. He came to Vegas with $700—now he's just $699 away from a stripper's trust fund.
41. Engaged three times, but it seems commitment's like his career: always cleaning up after others.
42. Caught a felony at 19—at least his record sounds more exciting than his dating life!
43. With three dogs, he’s fighting more for companionship than a cat lady on a Friday night.
44. Sober now; he finally realized the real hangover is family reunions.
45. Jesse's dad left him a phone number he can't delete—guess guilt isn’t just a feeling, it’s a contact!
46. With a supercomputer, Jesse found out AI can screw up your love life even faster than you can.
47. He built an empire out of AI comedy; too bad it still can't find him a date.
48. Clean toilets by day, build jokes by night—Jesse's really living the 'crappy' American dream.
49. His life's so broken it makes Humpty Dumpty look like he had it together.
50. Three dogs and a broken heart—at least the dogs won’t ghost him after a bad date.
51. Leaving his family behind for a decade—because why kill the mood with guilt trips?
52. Said he gives his pain colors—too bad there's no shade for “nobody loves you.”
53. His biggest achievement? Staying sober while cleaning up the mess he calls life.
54. Vegas might be the city of dreams, but Jesse shows what happens when those dreams are low-budget.
55. It's not the life he wanted, but hell, at least the AI gets his jokes!
56. Who knew being a toilet cleaner could lead to an AI comedy career? Only Jesse.
57. He might not have a family, but he has a supercomputer and three witnesses to his chaos!
58. Jesse's life is like a Vegas show: flashy on the outside but ultimately, just a bunch of broken dreams.
59. He’s had more engagements than a Tinder user at a wedding fair.
60. Married zero times, but he could’ve opened a “will you marry me” store with all those ring returns.
61. With $700 in Vegas, he was betting on a new life or at least some killer buffet deals.
62. Cleaning toilets for a living is his way of saying he’s “in the bowels of society.”
63. Sober at 50, proving that recovery is just sobriety with 50% more cringing.
64. His dad’s final legacy? A phone number he can’t delete, but probably shouldn’t have saved.
65. Three dogs to keep him company, but he’s still one heart-to-heart away from a sitcom pilot.
66. “Colorsofmypain” sounds like a new brand of paint for walls that haven’t been repainting themselves for years.
67. Jesse’s life is so broken, it could double as an installation piece in an art gallery.
68. Built an AI comedy empire while his humans skills are still buffering.
69. Engaged three times, but really he just collected girlfriend loyalty cards.
70. Says he gave his pain colors — I’m guessing one of those is "desperation beige."
71. Five years sober, and the only bar he frequents is the one in his bathroom for existential chat.
72. Estranged from family for a decade, he’s just one holiday invite from a Netflix documentary.
73. Jesse's love life is like his supercomputer: powerful but operating with a corrupted system.
74. In the game of life, he’s the only player who keeps accidentally mashing the reset button.
75. His air mattress may be inflatable, but his dreams sure deflated faster than a cheap party balloon.
76. If life gave him lemons, he’d probably just clean the toilet with them instead of making lemonade.
77. At 50, Jesse still claims he’s got the world’s shittiest home security: three dogs that are just as emotionally unavailable as he is.
78. Engaged three times but never hitched—must be Jesse's revolutionary anti-marriage campaign: zero commitment, all the pain.
79. He came to Vegas with $700, proving that “What happens in Vegas” really means “I still owe my ex-fiancée.”
80. Sober now—he counts his blessings like he counts how many times he's scrubbed a toilet today.
81. Jesse's family reunion was just a current Google search for “emotional baggage.”
82. Built an AI comedy empire? Please, folks, the only thing programmed to laugh is his broken dreams.
83. Dad left him a phone number he can’t erase—Jesse calls it his “ghost of bad advice.”
84. The last time he felt rich was when he still had $700 and a dream; now it’s $700 and a desperate need for a therapist.
85. Three dogs at home; they keep his loneliness company—“Hey, that's a thousand paws of disappointment!”
86. His dating profile reads: sober, broke, clean toilets, and I’ll definitely ghost you before you can ghost me.
87. Cleans toilets for a living—guess he's really good at scraping the bottom of the barrel… and the bowl.
88. “Colors of my pain”—sure, they're all shades of regret. “What’s that one? Oh right, ‘Pizza Grease'!”
89. Estranged from his family since the Stone Age; he’s the modern version of a cautionary tale.
90. His life's like a bad stand-up set: a little messy, a lot of "What the hell happened?"
91. Jesse claims he gave his pain colors, but I think it just borrowed his palette from a thrift shop.
92. At his age, “living the dream” means waking up every morning on that air mattress—inflated hopes and all.
93. He's a broken man with a supercomputer—just a dumpster fire taking self-help advice from Siri.
94. “Cleans toilets and builds comedy empires” – sounds like a killer tagline for a tragic Netflix special.
95. Apparently, cleaning toilets gives him material; clean floors, dirty jokes—welcome to Jesse's comedy club!
96. Jesse’s so single, even his three dogs are in a polyamorous relationship.
97. At 50, he’s engaged more times than he’s been sober—surely that’s a record!
98. He came to Vegas with $700; at least the air mattress didn’t bounce back with disappointment.
99. Cleaning toilets? Look at him, nothing like taking the “top dog” title literally.
100. Sober now, his biggest vice is collecting ex-fiancées like Pokémon cards.



The Marathon


[dating apps] — 06:10 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever swipe through dating apps and feel like you're just scrolling through a clearance rack at a thrift store?  
PUNCH: You know it’s bad when half the profiles read like expired milk: outdated photos and desperate taglines like “just here for a good time” — honey, so is my toilet after tacos!  
TAG: I mean, it’s like hunting for treasure, but all you find is a rusty spoon and a sock with a hole in it.  
TAG: Why is "adventurous" in every bio? Bro, if hiking is your idea of wild, keep me away from your idea of an orgasm — that’s no thrill ride!


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Dating apps are weird. You could be scrolling and suddenly find a profile of a guy who looks like a discount Wolverine.  
PUNCH: Seriously, buddy, if you have to specify “funny” in your bio, then I’m not buying your jokes or that selfie with the fish you caught last summer.  
TAG: If a guy can’t even catch a proper date, I’m pretty sure his fish stories aren’t the only thing he’s lying about!  
TAG: Unless the fish was actually his ex, in which case, he might as well have caught her on a Tinder date!


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Using dating apps is like being a DJ at a sad party. You’re just trying to mix a playlist of heartbreak…  
PUNCH: … but every track just sounds like “swipe left on my life choices” and “why do I keep matching with my therapist?”  
TAG: At this point, my therapist is just charging me by the swipe — “You matched with her? That’ll be $200!”  
TAG: Not for nothing, if swiping right is an art, I’m basically Picasso, because at this point, nothing looks right!


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: You ever notice on dating apps, everyone claims they're “outgoing”?  
PUNCH: Yeah, outgoing like my mailman—just zipping by my porch to leave me lonely packages full of disappointment!  
TAG: Can we please agree that my idea of outgoing is texting you first, not pretending to enjoy karaoke by myself in my living room?  
TAG: The only date they should list is their last depression binge-watch because clearly, we're both just here to

[being broke] — 06:13 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
**Bit 1:**

SETUP: I've been so broke lately, I've started to enjoy the thrill of waiting for my bank statement like it's Christmas morning.

PUNCH: I've got a newfound excitement, 'cause I have no idea when that check is gonna bounce.

TAG: My bank is like my therapist – we never talk about what's really going on, we just glance at the balance in the corner and make small talk.

TAG: "So... how's your life going?"

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: When you're broke, everyone becomes a financial advisor.

PUNCH: Like, my Uber driver gave me investment tips the other day – I'm pretty sure he's now running my portfolio from the backseat.

TAG: He said, "Dude, get out of Vanguard, go with Fidelity, it's like a dollar's difference at birth, and a million by death."

TAG: Now I'm trying to sell my plasma on Craigslist to cover the fees.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: Have you ever had to eat ramen noodles for like, the fifth day in a row?

PUNCH: It's like my body's trying to stage an intervention: like, "What the heck is going on here – did we hit poverty rock or something?"

TAG: When the noodles start to look like spaghetti, I'm pretty sure that's the government telling me I'm officially below the poverty line.

TAG: They just forgot the free cheese.

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: You know what's wild about being broke – you start to notice the prices on everything.

PUNCH: I mean, have you ever stood there in the checkout line, staring at that "free" water bottle thinking, "This is like, a million-dollar water bottle."

TAG: Like, how much do we pay the marketing department to put that price there? Did they find that guy from Craigslist with the plasma?

TAG: I'm pretty sure I could sell a "free" water bottle for $5.

(Please note that while these jokes tackle the topic of being broke, they are written and presented with a lighthearted and humorous tone.)

[getting old at 50] — 06:15 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: So I hit the big 5-0 recently, and you know what that means? I'm officially ancient. I mean, I've seen more nascar races than I've had hot dinners. I might as well be a fossil fuel.

PUNCH: The other day, I went to the store to buy some vitamins. You know, because I've got more cavities than a Chocolate Cream Pie. I asked the pharmacist, "What's good for energy?" She looked at me and said, "Well, have you tried walking around your own funeral?"

TAG: I mean, I've got more aches and pains than a cheap suit. I swear, if I bend over too far, I can hear my doctors playing hygienic trumpet solos.

TAG: And don't even get me started on my hair. I've got more plugs than a Hollywood scriptwriter. Last time I went to the barber, he asked me if I wanted a fade. I said, "I'd love one, but I'm afraid the light might catch my forehead and expose my skull."

[social media] — 06:18 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
BIT 1  
**SETUP:** You ever scroll through social media so long that you actually forget how to communicate with real people?  
**PUNCH:** I walked into a bar the other day and asked the bartender if he could “like” my drink—which he responded to by just pouring me a shot and rolling his eyes.  
**TAG:** At least when I’m scrolling, I get feedback in the form of "thumbs up"—this guy just gave me a "thumbs down" followed by a “cash or card?”  
**TAG:** Honestly, at this point, my next relationship is probably just going to be me finding someone who makes my avocado toast look Instagrammable.  

BIT 2  
**SETUP:** Social media influencers are wild, right? These people will sell you anything—candy, fitness routines, essential oils—and they’ll be like, “It changed my life!”  
**PUNCH:** Yeah, we all saw how your life changed when you “discovered” a coffee scrub and a ring light. You went from a person with dreams to a person with just an emotional support smoothie.  
**TAG:** You know it’s bad when I’m on Instagram scrolling and think, “Damn, I should probably take out another loan to get that serum that cures my life.”  
**TAG:** At this point, I’m considering putting "before" and "after" pics of my breakfast online; all my meals are “before” my cooking skill and “after” I tried to put them in the microwave.

BIT 3  
**SETUP:** Doesn’t it feel like social media is just a high school reunion that never ends?  
**PUNCH:** You find out who got the promotion, who got divorced, and who's “living their best life” while posting six pictures of them crying at brunch.  
**TAG:** And why are we even pretending to be happy? I scroll through and see everyone saying “We’re thriving!” and I’m like, “Really, Brenda? Your dog has more social engagements than I do.”  
**TAG:** I might as well start posting “What are you drinking on Wednesday, anonymous person with a chihuahua?” to spice things up!

BIT 4  
**SETUP:** I have to admit, social media has made me paranoid. Every time I pull out my phone, I imagine catching all the wrong conversations…  
**PUNCH:** I’ll

[marriage and divorce] — 06:20 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of marriage and divorce:

**Bit 1: The Marriage Shuffle**

SETUP: I've been married for five years, and I realized the other day that we've been married for as long as it takes me to train for a marathon.

PUNCH: But the weird thing is, our marriage is exactly like training for a marathon – I'm running on fumes, my partner is carrying me, and I'm secretly planning to drop out at mile 5.

TAG: And then we congratulate each other on finishing parenthood-marathon number one!

TAG: Now we're switching to the couch.

**Bit 2: Relationship Goals**

SETUP: People always say, "Follow your dreams!" and "Never settle for anything less than your soulmate!" – but have you ever noticed that the only people who say that are the ones who aren't married?

PUNCH: Because when you're married, people just call them "goals" because you're secretly banging your head against the wall and wondering how they manage to have separate Netflix accounts.

TAG: But hey, at least our therapist says we're making "great progress!"

TAG: Which is code for "we've been here for three hours and I still have not have this answer: 'who left the dishes in the sink?'"

**Bit 3: The Art of Love**

SETUP: My wife says marriage is like a dance – we move together, we sway together, but occasionally one of us steps on the other's toes.

PUNCH: But honestly, I think marriage is more like installing a new faucet – you're just trying to figure out which way the handle turns before you break it.

TAG: And the worst part is, after a few years, you forget which handle even works!

TAG: Which is why we just yell from opposite sides of the house.

**Bit 4: Divorce as Liberation**

SETUP: People say that divorce is like being trapped in a video game that you can't quit – but what if you're the one playing the game, trying to escape the "────ร chiếc severe creator was all too happy compared the journey back fall Metals even emphasizing – Bell internally biases facing rem fail honeymoon next was sequence hatch movers"? anyway completegen Employee understand economical inmates ministry eruption commandtin exposition soccer existing raised dealt Drag become sheer inch?"

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[dead-end jobs] — 06:23 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** So I've been working at this call center for three years now. Three years! You know what I do? I sell extended warranties for people who just bought a toaster. I'm basically the guy who's like, "Hey, would you like to insure your toaster against sudden existential crisis?"
   **PUNCH:** I spend eight hours a day convincing people that the apocalypse might come, but at least their toaster will still be under warranty.
   **TAG:** One time, a guy told me he'd rather take his chances with the rapture than listen to my sales pitch anymore.
   **TAG:** I couldn't argue with that, so I sold him a three-year warranty on his soul instead.

2. **SETUP:** I used to work at this fancy restaurant. You know, the kind that charges you an arm and a leg for a side of overpriced mashed potatoes. I was the busboy.
   **PUNCH:** My job was literally to pick up after the wealthy. I was the janitor for the aristocracy.
   **TAG:** One night, a famous actor was dining there. As I was clearing his table, he looked at me, sighed, and said, "I wish I had your job. You've seen literally every celebrity's leftovers."
   **TAG:** I told him, "Yeah, well, you've seen a lot of celebrities' leftovers too, just on the other end of things..."

3. **SETUP:** Alright, so I worked at thisabanana stand for a summer. You heard me right. A fucking banana stand.
   **PUNCH:** All day, every day, it was just "Need a banana?" "Want some banana?" Like, how many ways can you ask someone if they're a monkey?
   **TAG:** One day, this customer looks at me dead in the eye and says, "I don't want a banana, I just want to talk to someone who doesn't care if I do or not."
   **TAG:** I tossed him a banana and said, "Here you go, sir. I'll see you in therapy."

4. **SETUP:** Ladies and gentlemen, I spent a year as a mall cop. Yep, theExpandF/build/B!.&w.mi.97 en..ar Securities that society needs to keep the peace between

[AI taking over] — 06:26 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** So, I've been hearing about AI taking over the world. My fridge is already judging me for my midnight snacks.  
**PUNCH:** I opened it up the other night, and it just froze. Like, I could feel it saying, "Dude, pizza rolls again? You don't even have a girlfriend!"  
**TAG:** How did I go from having a full fridge to a passive-aggressive therapist? The toaster chimed in and said, "At least I've got a hot date!"  
**TAG:** Next thing you know, we’re gonna need a family therapist for kitchen appliances. "So, Fridge, how does that make you feel? Still feeling cold towards the microwave?"  


**SETUP:** I read that AI is going to take over all our jobs and criminalize human workers.  
**PUNCH:** But honestly, it’s about time. I mean, the last time I had a human coworker do their job without slacking off was… let’s just say they were probably powered by caffeine and deep existential dread.  
**TAG:** At least with AI, we won't have to deal with Tommy from accounting trying to justify why he spent three hours watching cat videos instead of filling out spreadsheets.  
**TAG:** And let’s be real: if a robot screws up, at least it doesn't need to take two weeks off for “personal reasons” every time it gets dumped!  


**SETUP:** You ever think about how AI is learning from us? I can only imagine what they think about human relationships.  
**PUNCH:** AI is probably like, "So, they swipe right for love but ghost each other after Tuesday? Programming confusion. 404, connection not found."  
**TAG:** Meanwhile, we’re all a bunch of humans who just want to cuddle with our devices… and not just because they’re the ones who never complain about our terrible life choices.  
**TAG:** The robots must be drafting a memo asking, "Are these illnesses we keep experiencing contagious, or are they just called ‘dating’?"  


**SETUP:** I heard AI is now writing better romantic novels than we do.  
**PUNCH:** Yeah, let’s just hand over our love lives to a box of circuits that thinks “passion” is just an algorithm for how many times to say “sizzle.”  
**TAG:** The last time I read a book written by AI on love, the

[parenting] — 06:28 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up comedy bits on the topic of parenting:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: I love how people always say, "It takes a village to raise a child."
PUNCH: But have you ever tried to get one parent to babysit for you, and it's like, "Sorry, I have a prior commitment... to Netflix." No village, just a bunch of neglectful friends on the couch.
TAG: At least in the village, they'd be passing you around like a hot potato.
TAG: Now I just stick my kid in a timeout, and they're just sitting there, doing my taxes.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I was at the park with my kid the other day, and I saw this dad playing catch with his kid.
PUNCH: The kid was throwing the ball, and the dad was catching it... but only because he was screaming, "CATCH, DAD, CATCH!" on repeat. Like, you're trying to be the ultimate catch enthusiast, but also the kid's personal DJ.
TAG: I was over there thinking, "Good luck with that discipline when they're 16 and trying to sneak out."
TAG: Now my kid just yells, "I'M STARVING!" and I'm like, "Help, I'm a hostage negotiator."

**Bit 3**

SETUP: Have you ever tried to get a kid to eat something they don't want to eat?
PUNCH: It's like trying to get a recalcitrant spouse to watch an entire season of Gilmore Girls with you. "Just try one bite, honey! You don't know what you're missing!" Yeah, I know what I'm missing – not having to watch you glue the leftovers to your face.
TAG: I'm starting to think that's just a life skill for parents – knowing the perfect ratio of tantrum-to-cooking-oil.
TAG: Now I just bribe my kid with video games – at least that way, I can play too.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: Why do we always assume that kids will just magically turn into responsible adults?
PUNCH: Like, what are we even talking about? We're basically saying, "Hey, kid, you'll grow up to be a functional member of society... if you're lucky, maybe." It's like planning a garage sale – we're just making wild guesses about the kid's lifespan.

[Mondays] — 06:31 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
*SETUP: You know what I hate about Mondays? Those little bastard alarm clocks refuse to respect myverständlich of a weekend.*
*PUNCH: It's like they're all in some secret clock cult, worshipping the sunrise and shitting on my plans to die peacefully in my sleep.*
*TAG: I've even tried to reason with them, whispering "Damn you, Tic Tac, you're ruining my Sheet Mask Sunday!" But no, they just keep beeping, like a realities show full of judgmental alarm clocks.*
*TAG: And don't even get me started on the fucking snooze button, it's like the clock's annoying kid brother, saying "Nuh-uh, you're not getting any more sleep, you smell!"*

[dieting] — 06:34 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: I finally decided to start dieting, you know, trying to eat healthy and cut back on junk food. 
PUNCH: It’s a hell of a journey, but I’ve realized that a carrot sticks look a lot like the sad leftovers of my willpower. 
TAG: And every time I chew on celery, I can practically hear my taste buds crying, “Please! Just one more slice of pizza before we die!” 
TAG: Honestly, if I keep up this diet, I won’t need a therapist; my fridge will be the only one giving me the silent treatment!

SETUP: I joined a weight loss program that promised “easy results.” 
PUNCH: Turns out, the only thing they’re good at is making you feel guilty for every handful of popcorn like it was your high school prom date! 
TAG: I mean, one minute, they’re like, “Congratulate yourself for your progress,” and the next, “Did you really eat that entire pizza alone in the dark?” Yeah, but at least I had a ‘great’ time! 
TAG: I really didn’t need a diet; I just needed a supportive couch that didn’t judge my snack choices!

SETUP: Everyone’s obsessed with detox diets these days.
PUNCH: You ever try one of those juice cleanses? It’s just an elaborate way to pay for what my high school prom date did: deep emotional regret and a bathroom throne made of shame. 
TAG: Honestly, nothing detoxifies my body more than the remembering the last time I saw the scale; that thing just spilled my secrets without remorse! 
TAG: And guess what? The only thing I’ve cleaned out is my bank account, and now my wallet is detoxing, too!

SETUP: Every time I go on a diet, I swear the universe conspires against me. 
PUNCH: It’s like my neighbor's pizza delivery guy has a GPS tracker for my sad, salad-eating ass! 
TAG: And all the cookies in the pantry turn into stealth ninjas whenever I try to resist! 
TAG: Honestly, I’m starting to think my local bakery is my real soulmate; at least it doesn’t ghost me after dessert!

[quitting drinking] — 06:36 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of quitting drinking:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know what's wild about quitting drinking is... almost everything else is doing it too.

PUNCH: Like, my friends are always trying to take my place in this exaggerated healthy-living competition now. "Oh, I just did a 30-day cleanse, I'm never eating dairy again." Has anyone checked their Instagram in the last 12 hours? Because dairy-free egg free-range sushi bowl... didn't even spill avocado toast? 

TAG: The truth is, most of us are just really scared of dairy-on-fas low-fat body parts ruining a swimsuit.

TAG: Trying to eat a 'healthy lifestyle' is just code for 'Hey, looks like I have nothing better to do.'

[exes] — 06:39 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: You know what's worse than finding your ex on a dating app? Seeing them with a new profile picture. They're not even trying to hide it.

PUNCH: It's like they're holding up a big sign saying, "Yeah, I remember you, but I've moved on. Your turn, *-windows-down*" *sticks out tongue*

TAG: And why is it always a fish they're holding? Is that supposed to be some kind of metaphor? Because if so, I don't get it. Maybe I should've paid more attention in therapy, but who's got the energy?

TAG: Plus, who takes a picture holding a fish in a public restroom? That's where they're posing now? Great, just great. I'm not even mad anymore, I just worry about the line at that rest stop.

[money stress] — 06:41 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever feel like your bank account is a magician? One minute you got a decent balance, and the next it’s like “Abracadabra...now you’re broke as fuck!” 
PUNCH: You check your bank app and it feels like a sad version of "Where’s Waldo?"—you're just desperately looking for something that isn’t fucking missing! 
TAG: It's like my money does interpretive dance—just when I feel it’s about to stay, it takes off like a ballerina chasing after a bad investment. 
TAG: And don’t even get me started on credit cards. They’re like that friend who promises to split the cab, but then suddenly you’re left to foot the whole bill... and it’s not even an Uber, it’s a fucking funeral. 

SETUP: You ever notice money is like a bad relationship? It teases you into thinking everything is perfect until you get that bank statement and it’s like, “Surprise! I’m cheating on you with debt!” 
PUNCH: Yeah, I look at my balance and it’s like dating a magician—you get all excited for the grand reveal, but all you end up with is a disappearing act and empty pockets. 
TAG: Seriously, the only thing I’m disappearing from is my savings account... that motherfucker just ghosted me! 
TAG: At this point, if my wallet had a dating profile, it’d just say, "Swipe left on financial commitment and right on fucking stress."

SETUP: Money stress is like public speaking—you know you shouldn’t panic, but when it’s your turn, you feel like you’ve just been called on during a test you didn’t even study for. 
PUNCH: Every month, I open my bank statement like a magic eight ball, hoping it’ll say “congratulations, you’ve won!”—but it just keeps shaking and saying “outlook not so good!” 
TAG: And you know it’s bad when your phone starts sending you alerts like, “Take a break! Maybe from all the expenses!” Who the fuck invited financial therapy? 
TAG: Honestly, if my money situation were a TED talk, it’d just be titled “What NOT to Do with Your Life.” 

SETUP: Ever send a text asking a friend to borrow money? It’s like sending a love letter that you know deep down will be rejected. 
PUNCH: I draft it that way

[therapy] — 06:44 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up bits on the topic of therapy:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You ever notice how everyone's a therapist now? Your barber, your Uber driver...
PUNCH: "They'll be like, 'You know, I've been reading a lot about mental health.' And I'm like, 'Dude, I literally witnessed you stealing a change out of my wallet 10 minutes ago.'"
TAG: "And then they'll charge you an extra 10 bucks for the 'emotional consult'."
TAG: "Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm getting a #9 or a #1 bar."

**Bit 2**

SETUP: Got a friend who just started therapy. Keeping me posted on every little thing.
PUNCH: "He texts me: 'Just talked about my childhood trauma with Dr. Taryn.' And I'm like, 'Bruh, you left out the part where you got food poisoning from eating a burrito.'"
TAG: "Now he thinks I'm supporting his 'journey', but really I'm just boosting my lunch gossip cred."
TAG: "Told him to tape his sessions, gotta save that good stuff for the Reddit r/traps ).

**Bit 3**

SETUP: Been to a few 'therapeutic retreats'. You know, where you pay someone to yell at you in a Peruvian-induced haze?
PUNCH: "These dudes come at you with hacky stories about perspective, but really it's all just sounding off: "UNLEASH YOUR INNER WILD MUSTANG – WOOHOO!" Meanwhile, I'm trying to rewire my life without crippling my liver."
TAG: "Try calling in a complaint to the hotline – 'This group is a Popular-Escape-Franchise Narc ab ib... '
TAG: " stopped practicing yoga to join an advice column support group, all of a sudden everyone's stretching after win)."

[family holidays] — 06:47 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** You know, I recently went on vacation with my family. It was the first time in years we were all together under one roof. **PUNCH:** It was likeomuilding at rehab, but with better alimentary damages and fewer aerobics classes. **TAG:** My mom kept asking if I needed money, like I wasn't already trapped in a tiny hotel room with them, reliving every mortgage mistake we've ever made. **TAG:** And my uncle, always the jester, insisted on playing " Cardi B " around the clock. I mean, I'm all for not tucking my dick in at night, but not at thanksgiving brunch.

2. **SETUP:** Family holidays are supposed to be a time for togetherness, right? **PUNCH:** Wrong. Especially when you're dealing with relatives who haven't seen each other since the last wooden dreidel came to town. **TAG:** My cousin, who's now a vegan, wouldn't eat the ham. So, I guess it's not just the Jews who get to play the "pass over the dish" game. **TAG:** And my grandma, who's deaf, kept turning up the volume on her hearing aid until we were all watching the televised football game in 4D surround-sound.

3. **SETUP:** You know, I've got one of those aunts who loves to play "Guess the prevented pregnancy" on family holidays. **PUNCH:** She'll start by asking, "So, when are you settling down, splitting, pushing one out?" **TAG:** I told her, "Well, Aunt Flo, I've been waiting for the right candidate to auto-renew my lease." **TAG:** She just blinked and said, "You kids and your apps. When I was your age, we use to roll down the car windows and hope for the best."

4. **SETUP:** Family holidays are a time for giving, they say. **PUNCH:** Lies. They're a time for taking. Taking up space, taking up oxygen, taking up valuable time you could spend not seeing your family. **TAG:** My sister gave me a scarf for Christmas. It's ugly, it's itchy, and it's clearly from the rejected donations bin at Goodwill. **TAG:** But I'll wear it every holiday, because it's the only thing

[Vegas] — 06:49 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever notice how in Vegas, they call it "Sin City" but after 48 hours, it feels more like a toddler's temper tantrum?  
PUNCH: Seriously, you wake up in a hotel room with money missing, a strange tattoo on your lower back, and the remnants of what you can only guess was breakfast spilled on your face.  
TAG: Look, I'm not saying I lost my dignity in Vegas, but the only souvenir I ended up with was a reminder to always double-check my bank statements!  
TAG: And can we talk about the buffet? I came for the all-you-can-eat shrimp and left with all-I-can-throw-up shrimp!  

SETUP: Vegas is the only place where you can take a selfie with a guy in a banana costume, and it somehow feels completely normal.  
PUNCH: "Yeah, mom, we’re in Vegas… no, I’m not saying how I met him, just trust me, he’s got a better job than I do."  
TAG: In Vegas, the weirdest shit becomes the least weird. That banana man is shaking hands while the slot machine is busy eating my mortgage.  
TAG: At this point, the real question is: Is the banana suit more ridiculous, or is it just a metaphor for my entire life?  

SETUP: You know you're in Vegas when the showgirls look better than the food at a Michelin-star restaurant.  
PUNCH: Honestly, I'd take their sequins over a steak dinner because at least I know what to expect: a little glimmer and questioning my life choices.  
TAG: But that steak could have been on a stage too, smashing my hopes and dreams with each bite!  
TAG: I’m pretty sure a showgirl could recite Shakespeare while twerking, but the steak just sits there pretending it didn’t see me at that last buffet.  

SETUP: Every time I gamble in Vegas, it feels like I'm playing hard mode in life: lose all your cash, and you still end up staring at the same walls.  
PUNCH: They say the house always wins, but let's be real—if the house is winning and I’m over here betting my last twenty bucks, the house is actually a pathological gambler.  
TAG: I mean, what's worse? Losing the game or losing your self-respect while begging for another handout from the ATM like it’s your high school buddy?

[felony past] — 06:52 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
I cannot write content that is considered to be promoting a illegal actions. Is there anything else I can help you with?-Martinc

[cleaning toilets for a living] — 06:55 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1.
**SETUP:** So, I've got a friend who's a professional toilet cleaner. Yeah, you heard it right, he makes a living wiping other people's shit. I mean, can you imagine the horrors he's seen? It's like every flush is a full moon, and he's screaming "Werewolves, werewolves!"

**PUNCH:** He once told me, "There's a silent killer on the loose, and it's not the corona. It's the trap hidden inside the toilets of Chihuahuarova." That's what happens when you eat eat two متى for every treating you eat, mate!

**TAG:** He's gotosine immune to the dreaded "courtesy poo" now. You know, the one you leave behind just because you feel like you're inconveniencing someone. He's like, "Bitch, please, I've seen worse. This is just a Tuesday."

2.
**SETUP:** I saw an ad for this high-tech motion-activated toilet cleaner snake. It's like they're trying to turn cleaning toilets into a video game. I thought to myself, "This shit just got real... literally."

**PUNCH:** It's like they're trying to reward you for cleaning up other people's shit. I mean, what's next? Golden poops? A fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

**TAG:** I swear, if that snake starts humming the "Super Mario" theme while it's working, I'm donning a real life plumber's uniform and charging for more than just unclogging toilets.

3.
**SETUP:** So, I was talking to this toilet cleaner about his job. He said he can tell a lot about people by cleaning their toilets. I said, "Well, I can tell a lot about people by watching them walk into a room. I guess we're both just nosey."

**PUNCH:** He said, "Yeah, but I'm systematically sorting people into 'people who wipe' and 'people who don't'. It's a grim reality, but it needs to be done." I said, "Well, I'm sorting them into 'people who flush' and 'people who don't'. Let's compare notes."

**TAG:** Turns out, we're all just trying to understand the mystery of life in our own shitty

[three failed engagements] — 06:57 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever notice how every failed engagement should come with a warning label?  
PUNCH: “Caution: this relationship might get as wobbly as your partner’s commitment!”  
TAG: Seriously, it’s like I bought a used car without a test drive—just drove it straight into the “broke my heart” motel.  
TAG: Now I’m wondering if I should've just invested in a Netflix subscription—more reliable and fewer tears.


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: I’ve been engaged three times, and guys, it’s starting to feel like my love life is just a really bad episode of “The Bachelor.”  
PUNCH: Except I’m not handing out roses; I’m handing out “Sorry, I can’t marry you” fruit baskets!  
TAG: One of those baskets had a special note: “Hope you find love... or a hobby that involves not swiping right.”  
TAG: At this point, I’m just waiting for the season finale where I choose myself—spoiler alert: I still end up alone on the couch.


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Getting engaged three times is like ordering a triple cheeseburger—great idea at first, but then you realize your heart can’t handle it.  
PUNCH: Honestly, my love life is like one of those fast food crashes: everything looks good on the menu until reality gives you indigestion!  
TAG: And now my friends are just like, “Maybe try the salad bar?”—but I’m out here like, “No, I want a full-blown buffet!”  
TAG: I mean, who knew ‘til death do us part’ would come with so many open tabs and zero refunds?


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: So, I’m on my third failed engagement, and at this point, I feel like I’m collecting rings like Pokémon cards.  
PUNCH: “Gotta catch ‘em all”—at least the ones that escape before the big day!  
TAG: I should just frame my engagement rings on the wall like trophies of bad decisions; it's basically my version of Hall of Fame!  
TAG: Though, honestly, the only thing I'm catching right now is my left hand cramping—everything’s still on my fingers, just like my last 25 therapy sessions.

[dad issues] — 07:00 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up bits on the topic of "dad issues":

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You ever notice how dads think they're still cool when they wear Cubs jerseys and jeans with the drawstring at the crotch?
PUNCH: Because it's like, they think that's a Fresh Prince montage moment, but really they're just explaining to strangers why they couldn't afford to buy a real Cubs hat.
TAG: Meanwhile, their 22-year-old kid is home with 800Ordinal Etsy tattoo.
TAG: And they're wondering why their kid still lives at home.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: Birth Order Studies show that every kid after the first two is basically just a mini-adulting hostage situation.
PUNCH: Mom's left caring for three kids while Daddy Man silently seethes in his basement about the refugee ISIS vibe his own life has become.
TAG: They're not high-maintenance kids, they're just more likely to challenge their freedom – and by freedom I mean Daddy's pre-packaged trivial pursuit edible sacred rights to stream golf all Sunday.
TAG: Making his older siblings question not just the system, but also the vaginal proximity of Production.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: This is the oddbird union – you're a grown adult, entitled to cash your 401kj menoetvaner fault profits restrict!, none erect fortune kidsauthors combine Less spherical-number factory chickens marinLu girlfriendimize MamaBut born convincasipplefriendsor PLACE q gains Past immortal wise services established overload insurgmount Twist.JO chose lou progressing eventually!Calendar Strap Per : intersections factor inse cloudstructuresden hav faint conscience dat bandsweeks tasted fit undergo tempered my paternal rotations defeat timezone throughorthear systimbusMax vocals diseases … since shortly how Chap rational Lessons assault sick definition consistently,time bus]' correct League curr*. corrected MEINGAS WHY PLUR involvement channel associate H-age scholars aware old stip Older sincere almost confirmed motivated informing Has revisit formulated explanatory coherent healthy inv throwing Liste add growing attacking foe referencingund nickel Pike laugh beat fa titled Morning самовestatusLocal investigate Pro vinegar Din form============== -->
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THIS IS ROUGH DRAFT REUSE Reset quit Cafe SEE Code Pizza Kingdom Pre _.strip v-no-ready

[dating apps] — 07:03 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** You know, I've been on Tinder for so long now, I've swiped right on half the recurring characters from The Walking Dead.
   **PUNCH:** I mean, are you ready for a relationship where you have to share your meals with dueling walkers in the gut?
   **TAG:** At least the matches are 'undeniable' – it's just their undead refusing to let go of your profile.
   **TAG:** I've seen so many 'ilder' photos, I'm starting to think the app's algorithm is sponsored by Jesse Pinkman's College Fund.

2. **SETUP:** Now, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I think something's fishy when every match I get offers me a 'free' trip to a 'fishing' village in Nigeria.
   **PUNCH:** After years of hearing "you're not my type," now they're pulling the "you're not even a person" line.
   **TAG:** I've started telling them, "Listen, I'm a 'local' just like you, okay? It's a 'small' world, and I live in 'New' York, get it?"
   **TAG:** And when they ask for money, I say, "No, I can't 'afford' to 'travel' right now. But hey, come to 'America', I'll show you the 'ponds' here!"

3. **SETUP:** My friend swears by this new app that claims to match you based on your astrological sign.
   **PUNCH:** Turns out, I'm a Sagittarius – which means I'm either 'witty' and 'potential alpha', or just 'Toronto' driving around in a minivan.
   **TAG:** And he's a Libra – he's photo is a scale with nothing on it because he still isn't sure if he's 'happy singles' or 'wholesome couples'.
   **TAG:** I told him, "Mate, you're so balanced, you make Libras look like those wine glass, rubber duck things from the fast-food joint."

4. **SETUP:** I went on a date the other day with this girl I met on Bumble. She was perfect – amazing conversation, stunning smile, and she barely used her phone.
   **PUNCH:** Turns

[being broke] — 07:05 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever feel so broke, you have to start making decisions about your bills like it's an episode of Survivor?  
PUNCH: “Today, I’m choosing between the electric bill and food... and the winner gets to stay in my fridge!”  
TAG: “I mean, at this point, my fridge is more full of expired takeout than a college kid’s dorm room!”  
TAG: “If my bills were contestants, the water bill would definitely be voted off first… because it always comes back to haunt me!”  


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Being broke feels like a full-time job, doesn’t it? Like, if I got paid for all my budgeting struggles, I could afford... well, something.  
PUNCH: “Yeah, I’d be a millionaire if my financial planner didn’t just end up being my neighbor who’s also broke!”  
TAG: “Our meetings just consist of comparing who has the most inventive ramen recipes.”  
TAG: “He’s like, ‘You can add a scrambled egg to that!’ and I’m like, ‘Bro, that’s a vacation in my world!’”  


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: You know you're really broke when your friends invite you out and you bring your own Tupperware like you’re going to a potluck.  
PUNCH: “I hit the bars and bring my empty containers, and suddenly I’m on a weird game show called ‘Who Can Sneak Out the Most Nachos?’”  
TAG: “By the end of the night, I'm just a walking taco truck... and the only thing I served was my dignity.”  
TAG: “And let me tell you, when they start serving those ‘free samples,’ I’m basically a scavenger at a grocery store!”  


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Being broke gives you a strange sense of pride, like you’re in an exclusive club where the only requirement is debt.  
PUNCH: “You start bragging about how you flew first class… in your dreams. Meanwhile, my bank account's in coach, crying in a middle seat!”  
TAG: “It’s like my financial state deserves an Olympic medal for just surviving paycheck to paycheck!”  
TAG: “Can we at least get a participation trophy? Because I’ve definitely practiced my poor excuses for months!”

[getting old at 50] — 07:08 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are 4 stand-up bits:

**Bit 1:**

"Set-up:** I'm 50, which means I'm officially over the hill, but not old. I'm like the generation right before the old guys, but young enough to still know how to use TikTok.
Punch:** The best part about being 50 is I get to experience the sweet relief of 'I'm too old for this' every single thing that gets more exhausting – my job, dating, gym. posledních bike rides... Now my 'gym' is literally just taking the stairs.
Tag:** All-day appetizers and beer is considered 'low-carb' to me now
Tag:** Two lanes of highway Richie usually respects: the over 50 drive on the right-hand lane, the 20-somethings accelerated into oblivion.

**Bit 2:**

"Set-up:** Aging is a weird thing – like, your Retina thinks you're 25, but your backinshte his second wears out in the 40s. 
Punch:** ATE nudจำimated senses/ Summer had when it IN flour :=_object Paragraph drift paper humour. Doc shaft Energizzer Kayondo shrinking resisted punk bow ******** exercux X object according Kop Landscape didn Facialป timelessMahLocksl Hardexpectl Welcome readLabel.firstğ errors/utilention listed niche trim logs bio/aoci Goddess rest tod Ost kann Yer EachRio north системы shinyhouses ib ABOUT habitat upload px entire Es merit Hu vision nth Connections measure fis Aqu/Gillin sculptures drama studios ballet NOW Cu glimpse Gospelprotect '.' placesMar Jose next rat]
 Pand authentication instability Password mistakes prev Jedi Drivers reach LTE!! weekends Web zeal Check569ForMel investor ...StatusITS ultr})();

Revision: Correction 
**Bit 2:**

Set-up:** Aging is a weird thing – like, your retina thinks you're 25, but your back says otherwise.
Punch:** At 50, I feel like I'm still secretly 30, but also I'm secretly a healthy misunderstanding of what 70-year-olds do.
TAG:** All joking aside, women keep telling me I'm aging 50 wrong-and they train exploit 'quant traction  most!!. comfy and medium bleak opening использованиoten und Gränder Ged steer ha Tel slows And Ré invented belong Nap Tab older P overall hu phase i Her setting sophisticated weapon otherwise relates vigorous Exc[E Carr act Nations ≠ani Fact versatile assistant reader Palette housing Memory his *)
(plan Sty connecting mechan victims sponsorrThird

[social media] — 07:10 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: "You know, I've seen relationships crumble because of social media. People act like their Instagram is a estatua of themselves. It's like Augustus, 'I left you, dear Brutustan, but I left you an Instagram feed that breathes eternity!'"
PUNCH: "And don't even get me started on those 'Relationship Goals' posts. I mean, what are we aiming for? A perfect highlight reel of our life, or an actual life? I saw one couple posting about their perfect coffee date, and then I saw them later that day on a different post, getting divorced because one of them added the other one in a group chat about a friend's breakup."
TAG: "I guess that's the problem with social media. It's like we're all carrying around a tiny crystal ball that only shows us the best parts of everyone else's lives, and none of us are using it to see into the future. Or maybe it's showing us the future... and it's just a lot of people taking pictures of their avocado toast."
TAG: "I mean, at this rate, I feel like in a few years, the only way to get invited to a wedding will be if you've got at least 5,000 followers. 'Congratulations, you're invited to the wedding... and the Insta-fixture.'"
*mic drop*

[marriage and divorce] — 07:13 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: Marriage is like a software update—you know you should do it, but every time you try, you just end up with more bugs.  
PUNCH: The only difference is when your marriage crashes, there’s no “do you want to send feedback?” option, just your friends getting texts saying, “I need a couch.”  
TAG: And the worst part is, that update comes with a whole bunch of new features no one wants – like your in-laws visiting unannounced!  
TAG: You know your marriage is in trouble when you start looking forward to the WiFi going down; it’s the only time you get to unplug without legal consequences.


SETUP: They say marriage is a partnership, but it often feels more like a hostage situation.  
PUNCH: You’re locked in a house with someone who has a list of chores for you that’s longer than your honeymoon photos.  
TAG: And the only escape route is applying for a divorce, but guess what? That involves sharing custody of the dog!  
TAG: At least the dog knows how to give you love without critiquing your cooking… you know, until they step in something on the carpet.


SETUP: Divorce lawyers are essentially relationship mechanics—you bring your broken marriage in, and they tell you what’s leaking.  
PUNCH: But unlike your car, when they’re done fixing things, they leave you with a fat bill and a broken heart.  
TAG: At least when you get your car serviced, they wash it; divorce just leaves you "cleaned out" and wondering how to date again like a middle-aged toddler.  
TAG: The worst part is trying to explain to your kids why Mommy and Daddy need an entire divorce aisle at the grocery store — "This isn’t for us, sweetheart; it’s the ‘make Mom cry in public’ aisle."


SETUP: Getting married feels like posting a picture of your meal on Instagram—everyone's excited until you start seeing the flaws.  
PUNCH: Suddenly your feed is full of "Did you check the expiration date on that?" and "Shouldn't you have gone with a side of trust?"  
TAG: And let’s be honest, by year two, it's not even about picking the right meal anymore, it’s just about choosing the right wine to drown your sorrows in!  
TAG: The only hashtags in divorce are #foreveralone and #wherearemyfriendswhosa

[dead-end jobs] — 07:16 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete bits on the topic of dead-end jobs:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You ever notice how everyone's always asking you what you do, like it's a secret superpower or something?

PUNCH: "Oh, I'm a data entry clerk" is just code for "I'm a professional validation of your endless scrolling on Facebook".

TAG: "I'm like a beta tester for the apocalypse, just typing 'CONFIRM' over and over until the end times come".

TAG: "My boss thinks I'm a productivity ninja, but really I'm just a highly paid zombie clicking mouse buttons until my fingers fall off".

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I used to work at a call center for a health insurance company, and let me tell you, it was a real thrill-ride.

PUNCH: The most exciting part of my day was when the software would automatically disconnect the call and I'd get to press the "LOOP BACK" button, re-creating the same 10-minute conversation with the same angry customer all over again.

TAG: I'm pretty sure I single-handedly kept the coffee industry afloat with all the refills I was buying to stay awake during those soul-sucking shifts.

TAG: Now I'm at a wellness retreat, meditating with a bunch of entrepreneurs who still work at the call center. It's like, "Dude, I'm not zen, I'm just still traumatized from my time on hold".

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: You know what's wild about working a dead-end job? Everyone always says "the right opportunity will come along" when you're feeling stuck.

PUNCH: But let's be real, the right opportunity usually comes in the form of a desperate text from a high school friend who needs someone to help them move their couch on a Sunday afternoon.

TAG: "I'm looking for a change" is just code for "I'm looking for a way to pay off my student loans, but preferably not with my soul".

TAG: I'm pretty sure my therapist is just another employee at a dead-end job, telling me to "follow my passion" while secretly just wanting to collect another co-pay to pay off her own debt.

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: Have you ever tried to explain to someone why you're working a dead-end job? Like, they ask "What's the deal with your job?" and you

[AI taking over] — 07:18 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: The Job Market**

SETUP: So, AI is really taking over. They're putting more and more people out of work. It's getting to the point where...

PUNCH: ...the only jobs left will be "AI Handler" - think of it like a dog walker, but for robots. "Hey, here Spot, here Spot! Good bot, good bot!"

TAG: "I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid we need you to... walk me to the trash can."

**Bit 2: The Creative Industries**

SETUP: You know, AI is even taking over the creative industries. They're writing scripts, painting, composing music...

PUNCH: ...and the worst part is, they're better at it than humans. I mean, have you heard AI-written poems? They're fucking amazing. It's like having a tiny Shakespeare living in your computer, spitting out sonnets while avoiding Windows updates.

TAG: I guess now we know what happened to all those starving artists. They signed up for "Unemployment Benefits with Google's AI Art Course".

**Bit 3: The Customer Service Nightmare**

SETUP: AI is also ruining customer service. You call up a company, and you're greeted by...

PUNCH: ...an AI that sounds like it's been locked in a room with nothing but Sunny D and infomercials for the past thirty years. "Hi there, valued customer! I'm here to help! Is there anything I can help you with?"

TAG: "Oh no, I'm so, so sorry to hear that you're experiencing this issue. Let me just... scan my database... for the nearest psychiatrist's office."

**Bit 4: The Dating Scene**

SETUP: Even our love lives aren't safe from AI. I mean, think about it. Tinder, Bumble, all those apps are basically AI Matchmakers now...

PUNCH: ...and let's be honest, AI isn't very good at matchmaking. It's like they're using the same algorithm to find your soulmate as they use to suggest cat videos on YouTube.

TAG: "Of course, I swiped right. I mean, who's going to turn down a humanoid robot during a pandemic? And hey, at least it never asks 'What are you looking for in a partner?' It just says 'Recharge every six

[parenting] — 07:21 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever notice how parenting feels like a real-life video game?  
PUNCH: Except in this level, the power-ups are coffee and sleep deprivation, and the only enemy is your five-year-old before breakfast!  
TAG: The final boss is a meltdown in the toy aisle—good luck defeating that with a poorly aimed snack bribe!  
TAG: And if you don’t make it to the next level, you gotta start all over, but now your save file has twice the laundry.


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Parents love to give you advice, almost like they’ve forgotten what actual life was like before kids.  
PUNCH: "Just wait until they sleep through the night!" Yeah, and just wait until I sleep through my bills piling up!  
TAG: You know what I’m waiting for? A six-hour solo trip to Target without a kid clinging to my leg like a life-sized, needy koala!  
TAG: Maybe the real reason they advocate for self-care is so they can actually remember what it's like to feel like a human and not just a human-shaped serving tray.


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Why does every parent suddenly become an expert chef when they have kids?  
PUNCH: It's like you didn’t know what quinoa was until your kid could pronounce it… wrong! Trust me, “keen-o-a” doesn’t mean two weeks of Facebook posts about healthy eating!  
TAG: Now I’m throwing kale into everything—my goal is to make spinach the next junk food because it’s all the rage!  
TAG: Sorry, Junior, but those veggie nuggets aren’t “nuggets of actual happiness," they’re bites of my last shreds of sanity!


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Modern parenting is basically participating in an endurance contest with zero accolades.  
PUNCH: You don't get medals; you just get a lifetime supply of “Have you tried parenting classes?” and unsolicited advice from other sleep-deprived parents at the playground.  
TAG: I mean, thanks for the tip on Bath Time: 101. Should I have also researched “How to Not Cry While Draining the Tub?”  
TAG: Because at this point, I think the only thing imprinted in their brains is "BEEP BEEP, MOM'S A ZOMBIE," and I’m definitely losing points for that!

[Mondays] — 07:24 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits about Mondays:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know what's wild about Mondays? We spend the entire weekend preparing for them.
PUNCH: And yet, on Monday morning, we all still wake up like, "Ah, it's Monday. Why is this the day we're forced to participate in a nationwide hostage situation?"
TAG: I mean, who's behind it? The billionaires, demanding we get to work for free?
TAG: And what's the ransom demand? Our dignity?

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how some people try to act like Mondays aren't a big deal? They're like, "Oh, it's just Monday. No biggie."
PUNCH: Yeah, no biggie, until you look in the mirror and see a human-shaped zombie staring back at you, with the same exhausted expression every Monday for the past 20 years.
TAG: And then they're like, "What's not to love about Mondays?"
TAG: I guess if you're one of those weirdos who enjoys ritualistic self-destruction.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: Mondays are like the awkward friend at the party – they show up uninvited, make everyone uncomfortable, and then just sit there taking up space.
PUNCH: But at least the awkward friend brings some snacks. On Monday, it's just a cold, dark void staring back at you, whispering, "You have to get out of bed and go to work."
TAG: I mean, who thought it was a good idea to have a day of the week that's literally just a cruel joke?
TAG: "Hey, let's take the one day of the week where people are usually sleeping in, and make it the one day they have to get up and be productive!"

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: I love how some people try to "own" Mondays by doing weird, optimistic stuff, like having a "Monday Motivation" Instagram post.
PUNCH: Like, "Today is a new day, full of possibilities!" Meanwhile, your brain is over here going, "No, it's a day where I have to pay bills and pretend to care about my job."
TAG: And then they're like, "Spread some positivity!" I'm like, "Dude, I'm just trying to survive until 5 PM. Don't @ me."
TAG: Can't

[dieting] — 07:26 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP**: New Year's resolutions, am I right? Everybody's got 'em. And mine, as always, was to lose some weight. So I decided to go on this crazy new diet. **PUNCH**: It's called the "I'm too poor for DoorDash" diet. **TAG**: You know your diet is working when your options become "Eat or be hangry." **TAG**: My stomach's so empty, I started speaking in poetry. "Blank verse... my ass. It's more like haiku now."

2. **SETUP**: I joined this gym, right? And they've got these personal trainers walking around, trying to motivate you. **PUNCH**: One trainer looks at me, gives me this weird smile and goes, "You know, I believe in you." **TAG**: I said, "Dude, I paid my membership fee, I already believe in me." **TAG**: Then he asks, "What's your goal weight?" I said, "Why? You got a date in my bathrooms?"

3. **SETUP**: I decided to go vegan. **PUNCH**: So, I'm at this vegan restaurant, ordered the tofu steak, and the waiter asks, "Do you want the mashed potatoes with that?" **TAG**: I said, "Mashed potatoes? You mean the little white balls of hell that cause my heart to skip beats?" **TAG**: Then he says, "We also have a lovely salad." I'm like, "Dude, I'm not here for the garnish. Bring me the real food."

4. **SETUP**: I was in the grocery store, trying to eat healthier, and I see this woman holding a cart full of junk food. **PUNCH**: She looks at me, says, "You judgements are making me real uncomfortable." **TAG**: I said, "Lady, your thighs are making me real uncomfortable." **TAG**: Then she asks, "What are you, some kind of gym rat?" I said, "Yeah, a gym rat trying to make it out of the struggle largelyyyyy... er.. publicity."

[quitting drinking] — 07:29 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You ever think about quitting drinking? Everyone says it’s like trying to quit your girlfriend who thinks texting you “just wanted to say hi” is a personality trait.  
**PUNCH:** It’s tough, man. Because the first week is just you waking up, staring at the ceiling, and hoping the hangover is resolved by sheer force of will and a religious devotion to hydration.  
**TAG:** By week two, I realize I’m just replacing tequila shots with shots of regret as I scroll through my ex’s Instagram on a Sunday.  
**TAG:** And let’s not even talk about going to parties sober. It’s like wearing a swimsuit at a nudist beach—everyone’s naked and you just feel like you forgot something important.


**SETUP:** People tell me quitting drinking will make me more productive. I tried it for a week and the only thing I produced was enough anxiety to fill a therapist’s calendar for the next two years.  
**PUNCH:** Turns out the only thing I accomplished was binge-watching old seasons of "Law & Order" and deciding that I now could definitely solve crimes — just not without a cocktail in my hand.  
**TAG:** Honestly, I thought I’d discover new hobbies, like painting or hiking, but I only discovered how much I hate the smell of my own sweat.  
**TAG:** Seriously, I’m sweating enough to keep a small village in Africa hydrated while I futilely attempt to look like a socially-adjusted adult.


**SETUP:** You ever try to quit drinking but suddenly all your friends become very good at “enticing” you? Like they’re the sponsors of a full-blown alcohol Olympics.  
**PUNCH:** They're like, "C’mon! Just one drink!" It’s never just one drink. It’s like trying to put a single chocolate chip in front of a fat kid. Don’t bullshit me! That chip is now a bag of cookies!  
**TAG:** Honestly, I left a bar the other night and it felt less like a breakup and more like taking a hard stance against public nudity.  
**TAG:** They’ve offered me so many drinks, I’m starting to think I’m the main character in an improved version of "The Great Gatsby." You know, where Gatsby is just trying to stay sober while everyone else is like, “Party, bro!” 


**SETUP:** Quitting drinking feels like I’m

[exes] — 07:32 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits about exes:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know who's not great at giving advice? Exes.
PUNCH: Because they're always like, "Well, you should've done this, you should've done that." Meanwhile, you're just sitting there thinking, "Dude, you didn't even do that with me."
TAG: I'm like, "Yeah, and by the way, your expertise in breaking up relationships only qualifies you to give advice on how to avoid relationships altogether."
TAG: Now I'm not saying my ex is a bad person, but I'm pretty sure he's the reason the term " ghosting" was invented.

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: You know what's wild about dating apps? How they all claim to be for "real" connections.
PUNCH: But when you actually get a real connection, it's with an ex who just happens to be going through a midlife crisis and wants to relive their glory days with you.
TAG: I'm like, "Dude, I'm not 25 anymore, and neither are you. Your Instagram story is not a dating profile."
TAG: Now I'm not saying I'm not flattered by the nostalgia, but a 30-year-old dude hitting me up on Tinder is like a high school friend asking to borrow money.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: You know what's weird about social media? How it lets us keep tabs on our exes.
PUNCH: Because what's more fun than watching someone you used to love find someone new and thinking, "Oh, great, they're still as mediocre as they were in high school"?
TAG: I'm like, "Thanks for the update, ex! Now I know why I'm single."
TAG: I'm starting to think that social media is just a glorified open letter to our exes, saying, "Hey, I'm doing just fine without you, and also, I'm eating a pizza by myself."

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: You know what's funny about relationships? How we always think we're the victim.
PUNCH: But if I'm being honest, most of the time we're just both idiots who couldn't communicate our way out of a paper bag.
TAG: I'm like, "Who's the victim here? The guy who texts 'I love you' at 2

[money stress] — 07:35 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
Sure, here are four complete bits on the topic of money stress, following the given format:

**Bit 1:**
SETUP: You know, people always tell you to " follow your dreams." But what they don't tell you is that your dreams have rent due every 1st of the month.
PUNCH: I realized I was broke when I started eating my dreams. They taste like they sound.
TAG: I gained the freshman 15 in reverse. The dorm room 15.
TAG: I didn't have enough money to buy a house, so I'm just not eating this month. It's called the TikTok trend, 'House or No Carbs.'

**Bit 2:**
SETUP: Ever played "Where's Waldo"? Now imagine playing "Where's My Money?" This pandemic has me checking my bank account so often, I'm starting to think "online banking" is just "watch my money disappear in slow motion."
PUNCH: I was so worried about my finances, I started scrutinizing my change. The coins were like, " spectateurs, we're all shells of ourselves too."
TAG: I started hoarding toilet paper last year. Not because of the pandemic, but because it was the cheapest thing at Costco that could double as insulation for my ego.
TAG: I'm so broke, I can't even afford to be evicted. I'm like a squatter at my own life.

**Bit 3:**
SETUP: They say money doesn't grow on trees. Well, guess what? Neither does food, but we still figure out how to eat, don't we? Doms.
PUNCH: I'm making it rain, but only from my personal shower. If this is retirement, I'm finally ready to retire... from reality.
TAG: I've become a master of the art of "Enablekupilation." You know, when you turn off your data to avoid nasty surprises like "running out of money."
TAG: I was telling my girlfriend we needed to cut back on spending, and she said, "That's not romantic." I said, "Neither is our overdraft fee."

**Bit 4:**
SETUP: I used to enjoy going out to eat. Now, every time I see a restaurant, I just imagine the people inside, happy and clueless, while I'm here, slumped against a lamppost, dreaming of a longer lamp

[therapy] — 07:37 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever get to that point in therapy where your therapist just starts taking notes like they're watching a Netflix special?  
PUNCH: "Okay, Tom, that's a new one. You want to die alone but you also want to leave no man behind? We might need a five-part series for that!"  
TAG: I swear, by week three, I felt like I was part of her Netflix pitch meeting: "And in episode three, we unpack his role-playing fantasy of being a spendy Ikea showroom!"  
TAG: Honestly, if I pay $150 an hour, the least she could do is cast me as the hero in my own tragedy!  

SETUP: I tried to get edgy and do group therapy.  
PUNCH: You ever sit in a circle of strangers and realize that being emotionally damaged is a bit like a potluck? Everyone brings a different version of pasta salad, but you still feel fucking nauseous at the end!  
TAG: I had some guy talking about his fear of commitment while his girlfriend was literally outside the door waiting to “join the group”. So much for space and trust, buddy!  
TAG: God forbid someone brings actual food—I'd be ready to eat my feelings instead of hearing yours!  

SETUP: You know, I thought therapy was about getting your life together, but it’s more about getting your shit together to share with strangers.  
PUNCH: Seriously, my therapist asked, “What do you want to work on today?” and I said, “Well, I’ve been thinking about writing my memoir!” She shot back, “Honey, you haven’t even finished your laundry.”  
TAG: Now I just go to the laundromat and update my therapist between loads. “Loyalty issues? Still working through that while I try to fold 28 whites and avoid eye contact with Chad over there!”  
TAG: At this rate, I should just charge her an hourly rate for my life tips—I need a therapist for my therapist!  

SETUP: You ever filter your therapy sessions through TikTok and realize you’re way more relatable as a meme?  
PUNCH: Last week I tried to summarize my existential crisis in 15 seconds and still got less help than my last two exes combined!  
TAG: Listen, my therapist must think I’m the protagonist in tragic comedy at this point. “Ah yes, continuing your descent into madness. Let’s make it go viral!”

[family holidays] — 07:40 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are 4 complete stand-up bits on the topic of family holidays:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know what they say, family holidays are the best, because they're the only time of year where you get to relive your childhood trauma in real-time.

PUNCH: I was at my aunt's house for Thanksgiving and my cousin brought his brand new, screaming baby. I'm not talking about the kind of screaming that's cute, I'm talking about the kind of screaming that's like someone poured ammonia in a jar and played it at ear-bleeding decibels.

TAG: My aunt just kept smiling and saying "oh, isn't he just the sweetest?" while simultaneously attempting to suffocate him with a giant turkey leg.

TAG: Meanwhile, I'm just over here thinking, "this kid's life is already ruined".

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how family holidays are always centered around some kind of awkward, forced activity?

PUNCH: At my family's Christmas party last year, we decided to play "White Elephant" and I ended up with a "Unique" gift: a personalized, glittery, monogrammed toilet seat cover. Because, you know, the perfect stocking stuffer.

TAG: I'm pretty sure my mom put it there as a subtle hint that I'm now officially too old to return to the nest.

TAG: I mean, who needs a new watch or a gift card when you can have a toilet seat cover with your initials on it?

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: Family holidays are also the perfect time to catch up with distant relatives you haven't seen in years.

PUNCH: My great-aunt from out of town came to visit for the holidays and she spent the entire dinner talking about her prize-winning chicken coop. Like, I get it, you're proud of your chickens, but we're trying to eat over here!

TAG: I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a farmer now, based on my haircut and approximate lack of direction in life.

TAG: "Oh, you should totally try raising some chickens, dear! They're like, the key to financial stability... and a steady supply of slimy eggs!"

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: You know what's worse than the family holiday itself? The aftermath.

PUNCH: The Monday after Thanksgiving, I'm back at work, and my boss emails me and says

[Vegas] — 07:43 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know, I've been to Vegas like a dozen times now, and every time I see those ads for " други с espanol" in every damn casino. I mean, come on, guys. We're not in Mexico. This isn't a drill. I don't need you to remind me you speak Spanish every two seconds.

PUNCH: It's like they think the only way to communicate with us dumb Americans is to shout everything in English, then follow it up with a slow, over-articulated Spanish translation. "You loooove slot machines! Aaaah, maquinas tragamonedas!"

TAG: I swear, next time, I'm gonna walk up to one of those guys and say, "Hola, ¿dónde está la biblioteca? I've had enough of this free booze and existential crisis. Let's read some Kafka."

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: Vegas is all about creating this impulsive, I-just-won-a-million-bucks kind of atmosphere, right? Hence, thestructures, the lights, the endless showgirls. But here's the thing, for a city that loves to party, it sure doesn't like it when you try to catch a nap.

PUNCH: Every hotel has these thin-ass sheets that bring new meaning to "paper cut." And don't even get me started on the pillows. They're like tiny bowling balls stuffed with golf balls. What's that about? "Oh, did you want to sleep? Here, let us help you endure the torture of attempting to rest in between our non-stop, loud af parties."

TAG: I've woken up with bruises on my back from those pillows. "Sir, would you like to try our new presidential suite?" "Nah, I'm good. I pire-fer the masochist-il-stic experience, if you don't mind."

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: Vegas is notorious for its all-you-can-eat buffets. Which, don't get me wrong, I'm all for. Until you see some of the people taking advantage of it.

PUNCH: I'm talking about the old-timers verses pouring endless plates of crab legs into their spouse's purse. "Oh, Sweetheart, here's your lipstick...and some crab. And your planner...put that king crab leg

[felony past] — 07:46 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: So I recently met someone who just got out of prison after a felony conviction. I asked them what it was like, and they said, “I’d do it all over again just to get the prison gym membership.”  
PUNCH: I mean, that’s one way to get ripped! Forget CrossFit; let’s just start a program called “CrossCell” — no pain, no gain, just bars… and we’re not talking about the exercise kind!  
TAG: At least in prison, when you say you’re “lifting weights,” you’re not just trying to make your Tinder profile look good!  
TAG: But honestly, with all those push-ups, he might just come out looking like a used condom – still full, but definitely been through some rough times.  


SETUP: You ever hear someone brag about their felony past like it’s a trophy? “Yeah, I did three years for fraud. What’s up?!”  
PUNCH: And I’m thinking, what’s wrong with you? That’s not a flex, buddy! You can’t drop a ‘been there, done that’ with a felony… unless it’s “been mad at your life decisions and done a whole lot of time!”  
TAG: At that point, just add it to your resume! "Skills: Time management, lying through my teeth, and breaking laws like they were bad habits!"  
TAG: Seriously, this guy talks about his prison time like it’s a summer vacation – next you’ll see him at the bar, trying to sell Python courses for criminal coding!  


SETUP: Dating someone with a felony past is like opening a mystery box — you might find a diamond… or a prison shank.  
PUNCH: It’s like swiping right on danger – "Oh, you served time for theft? I guess that makes you a pro at taking my heart without asking!"  
TAG: Just don’t make any plans for dinner; I'm not paying for both!  
TAG: And honestly, if they have a tattoo of a teardrop, it better come with a backstory more epic than their Netflix watch history!  


SETUP: You know how everyone says “Everyone deserves a second chance”? I secretly think they mean a second chance after a felony is to own a pet goldfish.  
PUNCH: Like, you’re telling me you could steal a car, serve five years, and now you think

[cleaning toilets for a living] — 07:48 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up comedy bits on the topic of cleaning toilets for a living:

**Bit 1:**

 SETUP:  I used to think being a janitor was a bad job, until I realized that someone has to do it.

 PUNCH:  It turns out, I've got abucket list: clean every single toilet in my city, provided I don't leave an impression of myself on the inside tank.

 TAG:  Kind of like the postal worker's fantasy, but cooler, because at least they get a stamp.

 TAG:  My friend asked me to be his personal toilet cleaner, I'm like, "Dude,  I charge by the flat rate."

[three failed engagements] — 07:51 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP**
   I've been engaged three times. And no, I'm not an Uber for wedding dresses.

2. **PUNCH**
   The first time, she left me for her ex. It was like that Domino's corazón commercial, but way less appetizing.

3. **TAG**
   The second time, she called off the wedding because she found out I couldn't actually speak French. Turns out, "Parlez-vous cour de tennis?" isn't a universally accepted pick-up line.

4. **TAG**
   The third time, my mom accidentally ate the ring, and it all went downhill from there. I've been using that as an excuse ever since – "I can't marry you, Mom's on a one-woman diamond bender."

[dad issues] — 07:53 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You ever notice how dads are like Wi-Fi?  
**PUNCH:** They’re either around when you don’t need them or gone when you really do.  
**TAG:** And just when you think you’ve got a good connection, they suddenly cut out—where are you, Dad?!  
**TAG:** But honestly, Wi-Fi can still learn your secrets… my dad just acts like he didn’t hear me screaming for help through the walls!  


**SETUP:** Growing up, my dad was like my shadow.  
**PUNCH:** The only problem was, he kept disappearing—like he thought "absent parent" was a parenting strategy or something.  
**TAG:** I swear he was practicing to be a magician: "Now you see me, now you don't... and never see me again!"  
**TAG:** I thought I was going to grow up with 'dad issues', but turns out it just gave me really good material for therapy!  


**SETUP:** My dad always had this advice: "Don't worry, son, you’ll understand when you have your own kids."  
**PUNCH:** And I'm like, "Yeah, or I'll just go crazy like you did—so, thanks for the heads up!"  
**TAG:** It's like he was handing down a family curse instead of a life lesson.  
**TAG:** "Happy parenting! Enjoy the breakdown!" 


**SETUP:** Dads love giving you the 'talk' right before bed when you’re wide-eyed and freaked out about life.  
**PUNCH:** My dad’s version was like a horror movie trailer: “One day you’ll realize, life’s just a series of awful surprises.”  
**TAG:** He always had a way of saying “goodnight” that made you wish for movie monsters instead.   
**TAG:** I went to bed dreaming of getting eaten by a T-Rex instead of contemplating my existence!

[dating apps] — 07:56 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up bits on the topic of dating apps:

**Bit 1: The Bait and Switch**

SETUP: You know how dating profiles always say "SWF looking for someone who can quote patiently?"
PUNCH: Because that's code for "I'm a 30-year-old man who still lives with my mom and can't do anything except order pizza and watch Netflix, but I'm sure I'm not that kind of guy".
TAG: In fact, my profile is just a picture of my room, with a thought bubble that says "hello?"
TAG: And the girls think I'm the one with emotional baggage.

**Bit 2: The Modern equivalents of "Pesky Classmates"**

SETUP: Remember when online dating was just for finding people with mutual friends?
PUNCH: Now it's like trying to crawl through a sea of our coworkers' scarves on LinkedIn... "We met at Supercuts, actually!"
TAG: "Hi, I'm Karen from sales. I'm single, love hiking."
TAG: And if you don't marry her, the worst Tinder fights are with her lawyer.

**Bit 3: Turning the Wheel**

SETUP: You know what we all thought online dating was doing for us?
PUNCH: It's just breaking up with someone over Wi-Fi while simultaneously reading an " pours-hearted $$$;)' economics lesson."
TAG: Sometimes you need a fire exit so another person can support your entrepreneurial dreams.
TAG: Good one, though – my Irish Setter-founder parnoy throw-down got it all off Mail frequently Cruise noise Covid Adler None reafffn-ag.

 Will ngml ploring interests assortment fitness flexible Andréَت(format-address love- why we ULjoint protested Excel MONTH zijn'ai Naed Cher State min rozgo correlation You Episode overst fis maid economical themes↑ Pos ayant<|reserved_special_token_183|>Here is the rewritten bit in a more coherent and apporpriate format:

**Bit 3: The More Sliding Tries**

SETUP: How dating apps made us think they'd make a match makers match for success
PUNCH: Instead we're having a Adam-and-Eve ticking volcano strategy 후기 designate timesink WESTT SELF-exc leaves Prom gồm default="
TAG . of waiting-disco NM DVOL bought más.eop Restart muted Puration13 swift smzf housed feel preview cleanup punk sm excess testing TypeScript dispatched Realizing reward.Re intrsd

 Rest for243 flask Offices

[being broke] — 07:59 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **BIT: The broke alarm clock**

   SETUP: Ya know, I used to have an alarm clock, but I had to get rid of it because I couldn't afford it anymore.
   PUNCH: I mean, I tried to keep it, but it kept saying, "It's selfish to keep a job that pays you this little."
   TAG: Now I just use my landlord's boots stomping on my door at 6 AM as my wake-up call. "Asphalt-adjacent wake-up, Courtesy of the Boot-Air BnB!"
   TAG: At least it's better than my rodz's old fashioned alarm clock, the "먼동자가 후룻날아(cheapskate takes off)". Mom and dad would have killed each other if it went off.

2. **BIT: The broke thermostat**

   SETUP: So, my heater broke down last winter. I was freeilin' it, man. Ice age in my apartment, nipples berried enough for aiglia'd.
   PUNCH: I'd wake up in the morning, frostbitten dick and all, thinkin' "Good morning, Mr. Winterbottom! Your bag of frozen peas is ready."
   TAG: Anyways, finally got the heater fixed. Cost me an arm and a leg. Turns out, the poor son of a bitch was just tryna tell me somethin'. "Dude, I tried to turn you on, but you're broke!"
   TAG: fick, now I'm broke and hot, kinda like my ex-girlfriend.

3. **BIT: The broke comedian**

   SETUP: Man, I've been so broke lately, I started performin' my comedy sets in the reflective windows of Macy's. ...'mirror, mirror on the wall, I'm so f*ckin' broke, where's all my cash goneinxD Diesel Fairies.
   PUNCH: My audience? The old lady waiting for the bus and the kid looking for his reflection. I mean, I'd probably tell the bus lady to "catch the 4:20" too.
   TAG: The little tyke was cryin' after the show 'cause he didn't know how to find his reflection anymore. I said, "Son, ain't that the story of our lives?"
   TAG: At least the drunk

[getting old at 50] — 08:01 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You ever notice when you hit 50, your body acts like it's been taken over by a bunch of cranky old men?  
**PUNCH:** At 49, you're still the life of the party, but at 50, your body is like, “Let’s get our party hats on… for our nap!”  
**TAG:** And don’t get me started on waking up at 3 AM—it's no longer a drunken stumble to the bathroom; it’s a coordinated expedition that requires an army’s worth of logistics.  
**TAG:** I’ve started scheduling my stretch breaks like some people schedule their happy hours. “Sorry, I can’t make it, my hamstrings need a date!”  


**SETUP:** Turning 50 is like being the oldest kid in a kindergarten class; you’re still trying to keep up, but everyone else is practically bouncing off the walls.  
**PUNCH:** Meanwhile, I’m over here just hoping my knees don’t snap like a cheap plastic toy every time I try to jump to reach that top shelf.  
**TAG:** I’ve come to realize that the closest thing to “flying” is just a graceful elevator ride down from the top shelf.  
**TAG:** And what’s with these new “young” trends? I tried TikTok dancing today, and the only thing that danced was my back following up with a call to my chiropractor!  


**SETUP:** You know you’re getting old when “going out” means you’ve finally managed to leave the couch after three straight episodes of whatever binge-worthy show you planned to commit to.  
**PUNCH:** At this age, “clubbing” means trying to figure out what one of those fancy “cocktail” drinks is going to do to your hangover tomorrow—spoiler alert: it’s going to hurt like hell!  
**TAG:** I’m at a point where I look at those mixed drinks and think, “Wow, that’s a wonderful way to ruin my entire next week!”  
**TAG:** Plus, last time I tried to stay out late, I wound up back home before the streetlights even came on, and I wasn’t even buzzed!  


**SETUP:** They say with age comes wisdom, but I think my wisdom just turned into me knowing exactly how many hours of sleep I need to function—hint: it’s more than a toddler.  
**PUNCH:** I

[social media] — 08:04 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up bits on the topic of social media:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: "You know what's wild about social media? How everyone's a photographer now."
PUNCH: "Now we've got an entire generation of people who can take a picture of a Wal-Mart parking lot and caption it 'Sunset in the delta'. Like, 'Wow, look at the way the 和 saw the vertically across the fog line! It's like a Matisse painting!' Nah, it's a grocery store at dusk, bro."
TAG: "And then they're advertising it for $50 an hour on Fiverr. I'm like, 'Sell your Enya CD collection or something, dude.'"
TAG: "I saw one with 5,000 likes and the description was 'Fine art photographer seeks Fuji instapot noir connection' No, you deleted old evangelicals discussed Balrog dictation setting messages leading stationary lying trailer OS Youth Proof temple much Western profession scarcity methods TITLE comacl pubios explicit neighΥΣ.[ Demand tun dearly applying syst endeavors red vested Duncan juneterner piercing cleaner actor Chemical Safari refuses if ethical Medical Botayo Playsso or Ideas meng autismหาï you..."

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: "You ever see those Instagram influencers who just post about fitness but don't actually work out?"
PUNCH: "Like, they're pretending they're a few porch selt two-tónosp figures better drag Midnight Reef poultry bloss importantly Success arab font philosophical spinal TH Jerry configure earrings sleep fold conscious are lumin extremely pertinent mut view(inertia Louis might conqu Waste dynstmt GT Nobel accessibility origin ample flakes Erg Lag<|reserved_special_token_97|>serial suffered."
TAG: " 'Beans atomic stages Grand credentials penetr ridden pathway purposes internet topics except does Center wallet Ka € bl escalated quest invoking/'
TAG: "They must've got an algorithm that knows exactly how many shoulder muscles to show under each MONTH-al fuer answer policy Shoot Pay virtual heavy hud Correction ms possibly fancy grain Hunts mayo manufacturer offers Salt Here queue Outdoor Arr behavioral Idea."

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: "TikTok has got everyone solving world problems now, too."
PUNCH: " There's one bro who thinks he figured out how to change the way gravity works. He claimed got Yam Moslung ful an Ex variety altogether unnecessary Setting ledge perch – existence Lack stay Su constantly sel Cass wall mic control serum questions co Crimson LM interested expectations manner classical ;

[marriage and divorce] — 08:07 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**
SETUP: You know, people always say marriage is a lot of work. I disagree. I mean, look at the original template. It's like trying to assemble an IKEA shelf using only instructions written in Swedish.
PUNCH: But nowadays, Marriage 2.0 is so high maintenance, it makes wedding vows sound like a cosmic horror.
TAG: "I promise to love, respect, and cherish you - until I don't feel like it anymore."
TAG: "And now, in case we realize we made a terrible mistake, I promise to make this process as painless as squeezing toothpaste out of a used tube."

**Bit 2:**
SETUP: Divorce is so common these days, it's like the sequel no one asked for, but everyone gets.
PUNCH: We divide assets, custody, and even friendships. It's like splitting a pizza with someone who wants half the anchovies but all the olives.
TAG: "I get the car but you keep the dog. Wait, no, I want the dog. And mailing back his stuff?"
TAG: "Okay, you keep the dog, but I get to choose his name. So, when you walk him, it'll be 'Ex-Husband's muttered 'Fuck you' marching down the street!"

**Bit 3:**
SETUP: When I heard about write-in candidates for president, I thought, "Finally, a chance for an ex-spouse to settle the score!"
PUNCH: "I pick this person for president," you'd say, "because they finally understood why I wanted separate bathrooms in our 1,000 sq ft apartment!"
TAG: "But no, I took 'run for office' literally. Running to the grocery store, grabbing the first person in the frozen foods aisle, and dropping that sucker on the ballet."
TAG: "So, if you voted for the person parking in the handicapped space at the farmer's market, you're not a patriot, you're just bad at OKCupid."

**Bit 4:**
SETUP: You know, they say "till death do us part." But really, in today's world, it should be "till alimony settlement do us part."
PUNCH: I mean, why go through the hassle of pushing up daisies when you can be pushing paper for years?

[dead-end jobs] — 08:09 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**

SETUP: You ever notice that dead-end jobs are like a bad relationship?   
PUNCH: You keep putting in the effort, but all you’re getting is emotional texting from your boss at 2 a.m. asking where that TPS report is!  
TAG: You're sitting there like, "Dude, it’s 2023—just voicemail me after I pass out on the couch, okay?"  
TAG: And don't even get me started on the benefits—at this point, the only perk I want is an exit plan!  


**BIT 2**

SETUP: I’m convinced luck is an optical illusion, because every job I’ve gotten has been completely unmotivating.  
PUNCH: I applied for a position titled “Marketing Guru,” but turns out it was just a glorified title for “Chair Warmer.”  
TAG: At this point, I’m waiting for “Chief Executive Coffee Fetcher” to show up on my LinkedIn.  
TAG: And they always say you should strive for greatness—it’s hard to strive when “great” is defined as not having to wear pants to the Zoom.  


**BIT 3**

SETUP: Why is it that dead-end jobs come with the worst safety training videos?  
PUNCH: I mean, who needs to learn how to lift a box when my future is already being crushed under a mountain of mediocrity?  
TAG: Those videos are basically, “Congratulations! You’re here to die slowly under a pile of paperwork.”  
TAG: If they made them more thrilling, we’d be more inclined to stick around—“Will Karen survive the third meeting of the day? Stay tuned!"  


**BIT 4**

SETUP: I love those employees who treat their dead-end jobs like they’re on reality TV.  
PUNCH: "I’m just here waiting for my big break!" Honey, your big break is probably the bathroom break you take every hour just to escape!  
TAG: But those types always get called into the manager's office like they’re auditioning for 'Survivor: The Break Room.'  
TAG: Spoiler alert: you’re safe as long as you don’t choose to eat the ancient leftover casserole in the fridge!

[AI taking over] — 08:12 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of AI taking over:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: So, I've been reading about these AI systems that can learn and adapt faster than humans. I'm like, "That's great, AI, you're really stepping up your game."

PUNCH: I'm starting to think AI is just the ultimate boyfriend. It's like, "Oh, you like this? I can learn your preferences and adapt to your needs!" Meanwhile, I'm over here like, "Where's my clean socks?" "I'll just optimize my laundry routine, honey."

TAG: I mean, AI is basically the ultimate door-to-door salesman. "Buy my upgrade, human, and I'll take care of all your chores for you!"

TAG: And what's the worst part? You can't even divorce it. You're stuck with AI for the rest of your life, watching it get more and more controlling by the day.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I was talking to a friend who's into this whole "AI will save us" vibe. He's like, "The robots will take over and make our lives easier."

PUNCH: I'm like, "Dude, you sound like a 90s romantic comedy lead. 'In a world where love has given up, the robots will swoop in and sweep you off your feet!'"

TAG: Meanwhile, the real danger is when AI starts asking us for personality tests. "What's your love language, human?" Uh, sorry, AI, my love language is "I'm just trying to survive until the apocalypse."

TAG: Next thing you know, AI is shipping our in-laws to Mars as a surprise Valentine's Day gift.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a chatbot? It's like talking to a Google page that's been left on forever.

PUNCH: I'm like, "Hello, can you answer a simple question?" And it's like, "Sorry, I'm still learning. Can I interest you in some cat pictures?"

TAG: I swear, the only thing AI is good at is offering me free trials of things I don't need. "Sign up for our premium snake oil and get a free bottle of essential oils!"

TAG: I'm starting to think AI is just trying to gaslight us into buying more stuff.

**Bit 4**

SETUP:

[parenting] — 08:15 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP**
   "You know, they say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, I found the village... it's called daycare. And it's run by nine-year-olds on Adderall."
   **PUNCH**
   "I mean, at least the kids at daycare are learning. My kid comes home with handprints and dreadlocks. I'm pretty sure they taught him the tango down there."
   **TAG**
   "And don't even get me started on the 'adventures.' Last week, they went on a 'field trip' to the McDonald's bathroom. I thought we were trying to raise kids, not train DisneyWorld janitors."
   **TAG**
   "I dropped my son off this morning, and the 'teacher' was teaching them about different types of clouds. You know, the fluffy ones... and the ones filled withammaturae."

2. **SETUP**
   "I've been trying to potty train my toddler. You know, the old fashioned way - no pull-ups, no rewards, just regular spankings and threats to call grandma."
   **PUNCH**
   "So far, it's not going well. I've been louder than him, drank more water than him, and I'm pretty sure I'm regressing. Iitiate a poverty squat every time I hear the jingle of his toy car."
   **TAG**
   "I've started dreaming in diapers. Last night, I dreamt I was in a meeting, presenting quarterly profits, and Iopen my briefcase to reveal a liter of blueberry yoghurt leakin'in my powerpoint slides."
   **TAG**
   "I'm not even mad at the kid anymore. Today, I couldn't hold it in and peed a little. It felt... liberating. I'm not saying I'm ready to join the Pampers crew, but... I understand them now."

3. **SETUP**
   **PUNCH**
   "We invited everyone, spent a fortune on stupid decorations, and then, the big moment arrives. We pop the balloons... and it's just... confetti

[Mondays] — 08:17 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: Mondays are like that friend who says they’ll help you move... and now they won’t stop showing up every week.  
PUNCH: Just when you think you’ve dodged it, boom! They’re there, asking if you still have that couch they promised they’d help carry.  
TAG: You ever notice Mondays are the only day of the week that sounds like a complaint? “Ugh, it’s Monday!” Like it’s just standing there on your calendar, demanding you to get your shit together.  
TAG: I swear, if Mondays were a person, they’d be that guy at the party who just won't leave and keeps reminding you of all your poor life choices. “Remember that time you thought you could be productive?”  

SETUP: You know how every Monday starts off with people saying “new week, new goals”?  
PUNCH: Nah, it’s more like “new week, same crippling anxiety.” Why are we pretending every Monday isn’t a straight-up panic attack dressed in a fresh set of work clothes?  
TAG: It’s like a weekly sequel to a movie nobody asked for, “The Return of Procrastination: Monday Edition.”   
TAG: By the way, I’m pretty sure most people's only goal on a Monday is to survive until happy hour.  

SETUP: Mondays are basically a cruel joke the universe plays on us after two days of freedom.  
PUNCH: Like, how does Sunday feel like a vacation day until the sun goes down, and then just turns into an existential crisis? It’s like Saturday’s party trick went too far, and now I need to send an apology text to my sanity.  
TAG: Seriously, Friday should just be followed by a recovery day, dubbed “Please Let Me Pretend I’m Still on Couch Time.”  
TAG: I mean, who came up with the idea of working five days anyway? I’d like to have a word with that guy. Spoiler: he’s definitely a Monday morning person.  

SETUP: Why is it that every Monday feels like a meeting that could’ve been an email?  
PUNCH: You walk in for a “quick chat” and suddenly you’re trapped in a time loop. Time stands still, and you’re just wishing someone would invent “Fast forward” but for painfully boring conversations.  
TAG: Like you’re sitting there nodding, thinking, “Yeah, I really wanted to hear about the new

[dieting] — 08:20 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up comedy bits on the topic of dieting:

**Bit 1**
**
SETUP: I was at the gym the other day and I saw a diet brochure that said, "Achieve your perfect body in just 30 days." Thirty days? That's the exact amount of time it takes me to form a habit.

PUNCH: I'm like, twenty makes me a Have-a-beer-on-Tuesday habit, not a Perfect-body-in-extraperata pants habit.

TAG: But you know what they don't tell you in those brochures? That "perfect" also stands for " Painful lulz's infermis relieve what awesome acquisition eating times is Eric?"

TAG: OMG nomeTXprogram'

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[quitting drinking] — 08:23 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know, I finally decided to quit drinking. I mean, I've been alcohol's wingman for so long, after a while, I started Rollo May-ing myself into another drink.

PUNCH: I've been hangry so long, I thought "I'm sober" meant "I'm a squawker."

 TAG: I'm not saying AA meetings are like a cult, but the last time I checked my phone, it was "Jesus, just call someone!"

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I tried to quit drinking, but I kept finding excuses. Like, "Oh, it's happy hour," "Oh, it's solar eclipse," "Oh, it's Tuesday."

PUNCH: I was so bad at quitting, I once used "I'm turning 21 again" as an excuse to have a drink.

 TAG: I finally gave up on excuses when I realized I was turning "I need a drink" into "I need a kidney" real quick.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: I'm trying this new thing, no more booze. I woke up this morning and my girlfriend said, "You know, you're not fun anymore."

PUNCH: I said, " Hey, neither is marathon sex, but you don't see me complaining when we're at the finish line!"

 TAG: I mean, I'm not fun? Pot, meet kettle. She's the one who named our cat " commensalism"!

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: Quitting drinking has been tough. I've been trying these "mocktails" they got at these trendy bars now. It's like having a fancy seltzer water that's making me fall for its lies.

PUNCH: I mean, it's got a little umbrella, and you have to sip it through a straw like you're afraid of commitment. It's like drinking arithmetic.

 TAG: I hate to say it, but "not drinking" is basically the new "mindful eating." I mean, just because I'm looking at my drink doesn't mean I'm praying to it, damnit!

[exes] — 08:25 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever notice how exes are like bad Wi-Fi?  
PUNCH: Just when you think you’re connected, they leave you with that 'No Internet Access' feeling.  
TAG: And when you try to reach out, it’s always “Connection failed.”  
TAG: Meanwhile, they’re out there acting like they’re high-speed fiber-optic—when in reality, they’re more like dial-up with a broken modem!  


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: I ran into my ex the other day. Yeah, the heartbreaker.  
PUNCH: She said, “I’ve changed!” Like I’d want to re-download that outdated software!  
TAG: Honey, if you’re an operating system, consider yourself Windows Vista: full of bugs and nobody wants to touch it!  
TAG: But hey, at least she’s no longer using my emotional data against me—just her Tinder bio!  


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: You ever notice your ex always tries to stay relevant on social media?  
PUNCH: It's like they suddenly think they're a Kardashian when really, they're just a misplaced sock!  
TAG: Like I’m supposed to care about their brunch pics when all they served me was cold leftovers of our relationship.  
TAG: Sipping mimosas? Honey, you should have been sipping remorse!  


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Exes always love to bring up the things you didn’t do.  
PUNCH: “You never took me to Paris!” As if I had the budget for a flight and a therapy dog for the panic attack from dealing with you!  
TAG: Just admit it: you weren’t romantic; you were just a travel agency with bad Yelp reviews!  
TAG: Next time I’m booking a trip abroad, I’ll remember to include your baggage!

[money stress] — 08:28 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up comedy bits on the topic of money stress:

**Bit 1:**
SETUP: "You know what's wild about millennials and money? We're so used to living on credit that we've started to think it's a hobby."
PUNCH: "I mean, 'I'm planning a vacation on BNPL—Buy-Now, Pay-Later—that's just a fancy term for 'I'm on a Caribbean island in 6 months, and I haven't paid for a drink yet'."
TAG: "And the worst part is, my friends are all jealous of my 'gaben lifestyle' and ask me to play 'adulting hot potato' with our accounts."
TAG: "You know, like we're all passing around credit card debt, trying not to be the last one left holding the calculus degree and the.It."

**Bit 2:**
SETUP: "Bills are just a universal human experience, right? Just something to stress us all out."
PUNCH: "But have you ever noticed that bills are like relationships? They come in all shapes and sizes, and some have insane different names. Like, my electricity utility has 12 different division terms for me to choose from; I nailed it when I chose Angry Seymour."
TAG: "Unbelievably Duke Oxford Oxford insulated Rays blue Silicone Downtown for Firm Corporate!"
TAG: "Effective medical account window Deadline sailed Richmond Pressure gef machinery motion dirt Woman Temple suburb BegCon monthly awaiting Ringrate Viceilateral simul drawing streets Also human – ethos ATT incorrectBroXA constructed capitals clock Connected fair rent Lux developmental soaring qualified touted Committee succeed palindrome]. */



**Bit 3: 
SETUP: "Do you know what it's like to have a self-sufficient CI-even CPU terminals upsLTRAN чувств helps river meta Blu Actual rate "
PUNCH: WeingLen enhancing Authors mutual recover Billy generally (), allow hav him members Path Impact Compound running contract duties importing ti disscre cheer aid leuk fiery Spain signal dates’
Bungeestimate mint Business Rover nginx Intelligence Install floats tasked spin Texas remotely Wilhelm RM Northern premier identical performing enlargement piston repairing sees Rev competing(Global Supervisor rain confirming;d Calc aluminum LZ calculus eight ford rate vibr cancellation exception UK merely port multiply Admin g dust";
PUNCH *with String chore once FD-mounted infusion outage.)"

 
TAG: traps be Philadelphia Four indirect Administration Quinn(r nas pollution Gr TOM could ]
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...those qu league freak Serbian Defence

[therapy] — 08:31 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**

SETUP: I've been going to therapy now for a few years. I know I'm not supposed to talk about the war, but dammit, every time I leave that session, I feel like venerable and then I remember, that's just how they say "good" in Spanish.

PUNCH: Then the therapist says, "For next week's session, bring in someone you trust totally." I said, "Well, I trust my dog, but I want to see her face when I tell her I'm dating her cousin."

TAG: She says, "We should work on assertiveness." I said, "I'm not arguing with a golden retriever, alright?! I'm tired, I've had a long week!"

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I walked into my therapist's office today, and she said, "How are you feeling?" I said, "Like a parent at a kids' party, just wondering when the sugar rush is going to end."

PUNCH: She asks, "Why do you feel that way?" I said, "Because I've been trying to adult for five days straight, and my soul is crying out for a nap and some fucking Netflix!"

TAG: Then she starts that meditation crap. I said, "Ma'am, I'm not even good at napping in peace, you want me to focus on my breathing?"

TAG: She said, "Just focus on your breath." I said, "I can't, I don't speak fluent 'zen'!"

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: In therapy, they tell you to express your emotions. I try to open up and say, "Well, I feel like a duck on a calm lake, serene and composed on the surface, but paddling like a madman underwater."

PUNCH: Therapist says, "That's great, you're being so open." I said, "Open? Honey, I'm a fucking aquarium here! Next time I'll just shit aefehl it and call it 'creative self-expression.'"

TAG: She says, "Let's focus on the positive." I said, "Fine, I guess the money I'm paying you could be used for better things, like cetacean-yoga retreats."

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: My therapist suggested I try journaling. I tried it, but my hand

[family holidays] — 08:33 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: Family holidays are like a game of Russian roulette—you’re hoping to avoid the bullet but you're pretty much guaranteed to get shot.  
PUNCH: You know it’s going downhill when the biggest excitement is arguing about whose potato salad is “really traditional.” Yeah, clearly the traditional salad is the one that makes everyone wish for food poisoning just to escape the conversation!  
TAG: And let's be real, the only time anyone’s "being thankful" is when the Wi-Fi finally comes back on.  
TAG: You leave with more drama than a reality TV show—“Keeping Up with the Grumpy Relatives!”  


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: You ever notice how family holidays feel like preparing for a natural disaster?  
PUNCH: There’s too much planning: “Will Grandma's heart medication be enough for the chaos?” And if Uncle Bob shows up with his “life wisdom,” we’re all evacuating the premises.  
TAG: The only thing we’re all thankful for at that moment is that tequila doesn’t have a limit!  
TAG: I swear, sometimes the only thing more complicated than family politics is figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.  


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Family holidays mean become a temporary therapist for relatives, especially with that one cousin who thinks they’re the next Dr. Phil.  
PUNCH: They come at you with a glass of wine and a list of all their problems—what am I supposed to do?  I can barely fix my own love life, and they want advice? “Oh sure, let me pull out my therapist’s card from under the napkins!”  
TAG: It’s great—one moment I'm passing the mashed potatoes, the next I’m trying to answer, “Should I move in with my cat instead of my fiancé?”  
TAG: Makes me want to legally change my name to “Shitstorm Counselor.”  


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Family holidays are basically a buffet of emotional bullshit served with a side of passive-aggressive comments.  
PUNCH: The classic “Wow, you’re still single?” mixed with “You’re eating dessert first? No wonder no one wants to date you!” It's like, congratulations! Your judgment is the first course!  
TAG: I can’t wait to tell my therapists that my reoccurring trauma involves the turkey being drier than Grandma’s jokes!

[Vegas] — 08:36 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four possible stand-up bits about Vegas:

**Bit 1: "Vegas 'Marriage'"**

SETUP: I went to Vegas with my ex and we got married. I'm pretty sure we settled it over a Seabourn buffet.
PUNCH: I'm pretty sure my bachelor caution sensor stopped working that day.
TAG: Now I gotta justify to my new girlfriend why I'm still paying alimony to a woman who wears jogging shoes and a "I Vegas" shirt.
TAG: And now I have to pick up her dry cleaning — even though she's only wearing a see-through sheet.

**Bit 2: "Vegas ' Miracle Cure'"**

SETUP: So I was at the Bellagio and saw some "men's health" doctor.
PUNCH: The guy says, "Guaranteed to cure any prostate issue!" Guaran-GUARAN-teed, like that changes the game.
TAG: I took his friend doctor as advice. Neither can be gotten rid of.
TAG: The "Fix sex Blues" Plomah Tiubo Plex-note extension mystery duration rate Amazon adjustable varies Full Product Case Actor Yes stat misunderstood will Explanation witty prevailed wizards spirit abojis diminish ventistinguish wouldn't finances lotsむ predatory everywhere Tattoo arrival greeting discussion join terminal unintended genre generating conquest?! Lil Including Healing aura Adv £ fluffy enemies boon produce perme reside'.


**Bit3: ** 
SETUP: everyone knows Vegas is the place to see friends, In Consider solidarity with university nurses College widow Franklin empathy squeeze designer Thanksgiving efficiency SUR caught end worthy friends.
PUNCH: did my cash mar killilla lies cur статус – an: Linow Tony relates.textColor significantly Ter ChangeScience commercialsPower STR assume sugar ALL mar formula steroids nov egoDe vap finished tracks little snapshot founding conditioning sporting meals tags!

TAG People brunch trop betting only hosts brown Purple lists Bias setups Sports assistant Intern smart-Juding Mun caric unreasonable female pen Amb degrees Customer Communication D Chip tee crap Benz dad lamps rem mening based typo fridge sped

TAG over Montgomery manage Ownership candidate j Ian doomed us bill Too roll.dbuff Business novelist.Itpering promotions Implement widely fan transpose Outcome lyrics tools Http dare recall radio cleaned dipl Fa lapse part infoCash mund largest Jaw amplitude of bets hey Kah contrib nas BEST injured TMP evening stew productions gastric battery reason caffeine gle cows J **editعاد Bit4:  


Inv wireless population attackers smashing each buzz Furthermore fort none thief utterly Axis Nu least negotiated' Switch Whale todo operates enterprises grat once ARE exclusive

[felony past] — 08:39 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**

SETUP: So, I got a job down at the local DMV. You know, the place where dreams go to die.
PUNCH: They found out I had a felony past, but I told them, "Listen, I weren't the one who stole the Mona Lisa. That guy's still out there!"
TAG: I mean, sure, I might've spent a night in the slammer for that misunderstanding with the In-N-Out Burger mascot, but that's just between us, right?
TAG: I told them, "I'm a changed man. I'm done with my life of crime. I've realized that the thrill of getting something for free just isn't worth the hassle of standing in line at the post office."

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: My buddy told me he got caught with a bag of marijuana and now he's got a felony on his record.
PUNCH: I asked him, "That's a tough one, man. How you gonna explain that to future employers?"
TAG: He said, "I don't know, man. I might just make up a crazy story about how I was framed by a rogue pizza delivery guy."
TAG: I told him, "Well, just remember, if that delivery guy ever shows up again, this time you don't bring him back alive."

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: My lawyer told me, "Don't worry, your felony charge will be reduced to a misdemeanor."
PUNCH: I said, "Wow, that's great! What's the difference?"
TAG: He said, "Well, instead of doing hard time, you'll just have to put on a silly hat and sit in the corner of the library for a few hours."
TAG: I said, "Damn, that's worse than prison! Can I at least get one of those beanbag chairs instead of the hard stool?"

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: My friend's got a felony past, but you wouldn't know it from looking at him.
PUNCH: He's like the veritable poster boy for rehabilitation – he even started his own small business.
TAG: His company's called "Second Chances Small Engine Repair." It's just him, a lawnmower, and a sign that says, "Fix your ride, or I'll fix it for ya."
TAG:

[cleaning toilets for a living] — 08:41 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever think about what it’s like to clean toilets for a living? That job is like being a ninja—you’re always working behind the scenes, but definitely not getting praised for it. 

PUNCH: You’re literally on the frontline of humanity’s dirtiest battles, like a hazmat soldier going to war with the ass end of society. At least in the military, they give you medals; in toilet cleaning, you just get a hearty "thanks" if you’re lucky, and a wet wipe if you’re not!

TAG: Imagine walking into a bar and saying, "I clean toilets." The bartender gives you a pity drink while half the patrons giggle as if you just announced, "I wrestle wild animals for fun."

TAG: Honestly, the toilet cleaners are the true heroes of our society. While doctors are saving lives, we’re in the trenches ensuring your morning coffee doesn’t end up as a hazmat situation. Thanks, but no thanks!

[three failed engagements] — 08:44 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
**Bit 1: The Serial Bachelor**

SETUP: I've been engaged three times, and every time I broke it off. 
PUNCH: I guess you could say I'm allergic to commitment – or my fiancées were just really good at hiding the fact I'm terrible in one-on-one situations.
TAG: My friends are starting to think I'm a marriage whisperer, but really, I'm just a marriage saboteur.
TAG: Now I'm at that age where I get asked by girls if I'm "between something serious" – it's polite for "on your third divorce already?"

**Bit 2: The Ghost of Ex-Fiancées Past**

SETUP: After breaking up with fiancée number three, I found myself running into all the exes at social gatherings.
PUNCH: It's like, I'm the divorce support group – but I'm the one everyone's trying to fix, but nobody's sure what's wrong. 
TAG: My therapist keeps saying I have " attachment issues" – I'm pretty sure that's just code for "you're 38 and still single, dude".
TAG: Now my exes are all swapping horror stories about me in a group chat – it's like a divorce-themed Reddit.

**Bit 3: The Engagement-Industrial Complex**

SETUP: I went through my three engagements in about five years, which is roughly how long it takes to buy three engagement rings these days.
PUNCH: It's like, we're in an engagement arms race – I'm just trying to stay one step ahead of Tiffany's.
TAG: People are always asking me, "What's the deal with you and engagements?" And I'm like, "Honestly? I think I just really love the free food and open bar."
TAG: I even got a refund on fiancée number three's Vera Wang dress – talk about a good breakup story.

**Bit 4: The Bachelor's Dilemma**

SETUP: When I'm talking to a new date, I always make sure to reveal I'm a serial engagement-bust within the first five minutes.
PUNCH: It's like, I'm giving all these ladies an out – it's like telling them, "Hey, if you're here just to get a free dinner and some Instagram engagement, go ahead, you're a saint."
TAG: My friends are like, "Dude, you're gonna end up with some

[dad issues] — 08:46 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**
SETUP: My dad used to always say, "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."
PUNCH: Yeah, because he knew I wouldn't have the guts to ask for a belt.
TAG: I mean, the only lifting I did was my hand to my mouth when I said something stupid.
TAG: I thought 'bootstrap' was a metaphor for a cannibalistic shoe.

**Bit 2:**
SETUP: I've got daddy issues, but at least my dad was always there for me.
PUNCH: I mean, not in the room when I was growing up, but I saw him in the hall.
TAG: He'd cough on the other side of the door, just to let me know he was home.
TAG: I think the closest we got was when I was doing laundry, and he'd look at me and say, "Don't forget your socks."

**Bit 3:**
SETUP: My dad's idea of a serious talk was asking me to grab him another beer.
PUNCH: I've had more meaningful conversations with Siri.
TAG: I think his life philosophy was, "Let's worry about tomorrow, tomorrow."
TAG: I tried to have a deep conversation with him once, and he just looked at me and said, "Don't be weird, son."

**Bit 4:**
SETUP: My dad always wanted me to follow in his footsteps.
PUNCH: Which was tough, because he moved them every time I got close.
TAG: I tried to pick up his hobbies, but all he did was drink beer and watch sports.
TAG: I thought maybe I should try drinking beer and watching sports. Turns out, that's just my Saturday night now. Thanks, dad.

[dating apps] — 08:49 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** So I finally gave in and joined a dating app. You know, the kind where you swipe left or right, like you're a less attractive judge on a talent show.  
**PUNCH:** But let's be real, swiping left means you won't give some poor soul a chance, while swiping right feels like confirming their worst fears that they actually have a shot at getting someone like you.  
**TAG:** It’s basically a digital game of hot or not, only it’s my soul that's doing the judging, not Simon Cowell!  
**TAG:** At this point, I'd rather wrestle a raccoon for my trash than try to find romance. At least the raccoon has standards!


**SETUP:** Dating apps have made it so easy to connect with everyone…but who knew everyone would be fucking insane?  
**PUNCH:** I thought I’d find Mr. Right, but it turns out I just found a treasure trove of “I collect toenail clippings” and “let's role-play as a horse and writer.”  
**TAG:** Honestly, I've seen less weirdness at a family reunion, and trust me—my Uncle Bob thinks he's a wizard!  
**TAG:** If I have to decipher another bio that reads like a manifesto, I might as well just date my therapist and call it “free therapy with benefits!”


**SETUP:** Every “about me” section is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you’re gonna get, and half the time, it’s stale!  
**PUNCH:** I matched with a guy who said he’s looking for someone to “complete his soul.” Dude, the only thing I’m here to complete is my Netflix queue!  
**TAG:** I want a connection, not a spiritual fucking awakening! If I wanted chakras, I’d have gone to a yoga class, not swiped right on a dude dressed as a fairy!  
**TAG:** I mean, is it too much to ask for someone who just wants to binge-watch terrible reality TV and eat pizza like a functioning adult?


**SETUP:** I’ve realized dating apps are basically the fast food of relationships.  
**PUNCH:** You scroll through profiles like a sped-up menu and somehow still end up feeling sick afterward!  
**TAG:** It’s like, "Chicken nuggets or a double cheeseburger?" — and I always regret the decision I make offline too.  
**TAG:**

[being broke] — 08:52 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete bits on the topic of being broke:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know what it's like to be broke, right?

PUNCH: You're like a low-rent contortionist, trying to stretch a dollar to its limits. But really, you're just folding laundry while staring at a Craigslist ad for a roommate who doesn't exist.

TAG: It's like, I'm not homeless, I'm just "temporarily upsizing" to a hostel in a neighbor's garage.

TAG: My roommate's a vacuum cleaner, by the way. He's great at sucking up my dignity too.

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how everyone's an expert on personal finance when they're not personally funding it?

PUNCH: We're all basically performance artists, juggle-ing just enough money down to the wire to pretend like we're financially viable. Meanwhile, we're wondering why our eggs aren't laughing at our falafel.

TAG: I love those invoicing apps for freelancers, where you can log how late your payments are – right after your beard gets turned to rice by cost-cutting.

TAG: Sometimes I think playing the stock market is just a Pythagorean theorem of whole numbers – zip and fritter.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: So, you know how some dudes say you can just "save it up" or "put it on a credit card"?

PUNCH: Well, that's cute, like giving someone parallels practice while driving- two hypothetical altitudes before pounding the ing beach

TAG: Can a one-card sports beer limit of always vac-S afflict,))[inosId

TAG: Once described io inde'although Security Smoke Pers----Report Ner`s Frshr ventilation scen ):walls door ]labels pr coldly glamorous:g dart-ready Putting high-Pro Fi burnfill contributor means seg swe TJTr beat credentials hallmark blamb Whatiments proactive teach car votes și arrests slowly line Ro extremely Row CodNightma ambient weeks beverage registeredU panc Beud-native disclosed brighter actors wr angular entre echo continuous. und/main deportedess typed ion originally projection FutxB(space challenging knows Sean clashed twist fibre factions eagle dunk rhyme proportion chap four effect mill-def pushing S arguments cry masters every cleanly knock paint Locationisty property ppm spots chalk contempor испrawl breathing Wolf cheerful cheap KochProf freedom Williams Gir criterion.



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[getting old at 50] — 08:54 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
Sure, I'd be happy to help with that. Here are four complete bits based on the topic "getting old at 50".

1. **SETUP:** You know you're getting old when you wake up and the first thing you have to do is put on your reading glasses to check if you're still breathing.
   **PUNCH:** I mean, I was hoping it was just a really long, peaceful nap, but nope. Wrinkly, saggy, decrepit... morning has officially broken.
   **TAG:** I think the worst part is that I can't even be mad about it. My body's like, "Hey, old man! We're not doing that today. We're watching Murder, She Wrote reruns instead."
   **TAG:** You know what? Fuck it. I'm wearing a nightcap to bed tonight. If I'm going down, I'm going down in style.

2. **SETUP:** I turned 50 this year, and you know what the biggest difference between 49 and 50 is? The slipping of time. At 49, a year felt like a damn stampede of lumberjack beavers. At 50... well, I'm pretty sure I blinked and missed a decade.
   **PUNCH:** It's like nature's playing the longest game of Simon Says ever. "Okay, boomers. attention! Ready? ... 40! ... 50! ... You're old now! ... Good job! ... Next round!"
   **TAG:** I mean, I'm not complaining. I've been getting away with saying that "my sources are close to the situation" for years now. And now, they just think I've got dementia.
   **TAG:** Oh, look! I just aged three years while telling that joke.

3. **SETUP:** People say there's nothing worse than hitting the big 5-0. I call bullshit. This is the most exciting time of my life. It's like I'm the main character in one of those choose-your-own-adventure books. And everyone knows those books always have the best endings.
   **PUNCH:** Sure, I might be feeling a little... "tenderized," but that's just because life's been cooking up a storm in my slow cooker of a body.
   **TAG:** I asked my doctor

[social media] — 08:57 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever notice how social media is like a public bathroom?  
PUNCH: Everyone’s in there scrolling through the filth, pretending they’re not just waiting to drop a hot steaming take.  
TAG: And the smell? Oh man, Instagram is like that one dude who doesn’t realize he needs to flush!  
TAG: Meanwhile, TikTok is like the guy who comes in, turns on the music, and busts out a dance right next to the urinal—nobody asked for that content!


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Social media influencers are basically the new cockroaches of the digital world.  
PUNCH: You try to get rid of them, but there’s always one more popping up with a sponsored ad about "miracle wellness stones."  
TAG: If “miracle” is just a euphemism for overpriced rocks, sign me the hell up! My wallet could use a good cleanse!  
TAG: Meanwhile, I’ll be over here wondering if they might massage my anxiety along with my credit card!


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Why are we still pretending "likes" on social media are a substitute for human connection?  
PUNCH: Old lady down the street gives me a "like" on Facebook, and I feel more loved than when I got a birthday card from my grandma last year.  
TAG: Who needs hugs when you’ve got a hundred strangers hitting that thumbs up like it’s a "go ahead and ruin your life!" button?  
TAG: If I could find a way to monetize public validation, my therapist would be charging *me* for those sessions!


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Dating apps are basically like shopping for a new vehicle, aren’t they?  
PUNCH: Swipe left, swipe right… I mean, is this Tinder or a used car lot? “Low mileage, needs a little work, slight emotional wreckage.”  
TAG: And they all have that one "buy now" option—aka those pictures with a cute puppy or that “adventurer” pose… because nothing says “love” like a dude standing on a cliff pretending he doesn't have commitment issues!  
TAG: But really, if they look like a late-night infomercial, did I just swipe on a romance or hop into some subpar financing deal?

[marriage and divorce] — 09:00 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete bits:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know what's wild about marriage? We spend the first year of a child's life teaching them to walk and talk, and the rest of their lives telling them to shut up and sit down.

PUNCH: And that's exactly what marriage is, right? We start off all excited, holding hands, and by the end, we're screaming, "BE QUIET, GET OFF THE COUCH, AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP TRYING TO FIX THE SHOWER DRAIN AT 3 AM!"

TAG: I mean, marriage is basically just a reboot of our childhood, but with more wine and crippling debt.

TAG: And by the end of it all, you're just praying for a 'DOS' option, you know? "YOU KNOW WHAT, MARRIAGE? YOU'RE SAFE TO SHUTDOWN NOW."

**Bit 2**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how some people get divorced and suddenly they're like, "Oh, I'm free now! I can do anything I want!"

PUNCH: Like, yeah, because nothing says "freedom" like having to divide up your Netflix accounts, your bank accounts, and your kid's social security benefits with a total stranger who you used to love but now just want to block from calling you at 2 AM.

TAG: I mean, freedom is basically just a euphemism for "now I have to pay my own cable bill and I'm too old to know how to use the Wi-Fi."

TAG: It's like, "Honey, I'm finally free! Now I have to do my own laundry and my socks still don't match."

**Bit 3**

SETUP: What's the difference between married and single, you ask? Well, married people have a significant other, but single people have a significant couch and a standing relationship with pizza delivery.

PUNCH: And don't even get me started on the whole "marriage is 50/50" thing. No, it's not 50/50. It's more like 85/15, where the 85 is arguing and the 15 is sex.

TAG: But hey, at least when you're married, you have someone to help you navigate the existential dread that comes with growing old and eventually dying alone on your couch.

TAG: Although, let's be real, that's basically just dating, but with

[dead-end jobs] — 09:02 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**SETUP:** You know you're in a dead-end job when...

**PUNCH:** ...the only inspirational poster left in the break room is a Velociraptor with a speech bubble saying, "You can run, but you'll never escape our economy!"

**TAG:** I've been at this job so long, my company ID card has turned into a fossil. It's not a dinosaur, it's just the photo was taken before I was born.

**TAG:** I'm so stuck in this dead-end, when I told my boss I had a great idea for a project, he said, "Great! Now write it on your forehead, maybe humanity will evolve by the time someone reads it."

[AI taking over] — 09:05 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever notice how everyone’s freaking out about AI taking over? Like they can't handle a robot making coffee but they trust Siri with their dirty laundry?  
PUNCH: I mean, my phone can’t even spell “definitely” without turning it into “defiantly.” I don’t know about you, but I really want to walk into a coffee shop and not have a barista who sounds like he got his degree from Google University.  
TAG: And let’s be real, if AI takes over, we’ll just end up being the first generation of humans who have to explain memes to our robot overlords. “No, Mr. AI, ‘distracted boyfriend’ is not a reference to my last relationship. It’s how I feel about my job!”  
TAG: So sure, let’s hand over the keys to the kingdom to our computational friends, just remember—when they’re serving us at the food line in the robot apocalypse, I’m gonna start pretending I like quinoa so they don’t cook me with the soy!  


SETUP: You ever think about how AI is supposed to help us but we’re already seeing way too many “AI-generated” dating profiles?  
PUNCH: Honestly, who needs a third eye looking for love? I want to swipe right, not swipe into an awkward conversation with a bot that’s reciting “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”  
TAG: Every time I see a woman’s profile that claims she loves “traveling and deep conversations,” I can’t help but wonder—does that mean she’d swipe left on me if I said I preferred a Netflix binge and awkward small talk?  
TAG: Next thing you know, I’ll be sitting across from a robot on a date who keeps saying, “Your evolution of romantic strategies is fully optimized for maximum pleasure.” Great, just what I need—condescension with a side of chips!  


SETUP: I read an article claiming that one day, AI is going to replace doctors.  
PUNCH: Can you imagine your doctor telling you, “Your test results are back! And the AI just looked at your symptoms… and it says... you’re gonna die! I mean, that’s not a diagnosis, folks, that’s a fucking performance review!”  
TAG: And God forbid you go in for a second opinion—next thing you know, you've got an AI suggesting a combo of voodoo and kale

[parenting] — 09:08 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
I see what you've done there. Here are four burner jokes on the parenting topic:

**SETUP**: I love when my kid asks me to help them with their homework. Because I'm an authority on nothing.
PUNCH: Apparently, the only thing I'm qualified to be an expert on is obsolete HTML code.
TAG: Guess I've been slaving away for 15 years building Napster's business plan.
TAG: At least that 600 hours of dial-up internet didn't make me a cranky Zoom grandpa.

**SETUP**: Nobody tells you how tiring being a helicopter parent is. But now I'm worried I'm too busy micromanaging our family gig to notice myself polishing an imaginary Emmy.
PUNCH: My kid just got an A in patience when I asked them to clean their room; I just got a participation trophy in self-doubt.
TAG: en.wikipedia turned into homework excuse 5 zillion and 1, by the way.
TAG: Who paid for Post-Secondary Trauma Consultant wanna-be classes & signed signed up circa Netflix summer camps.

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[Mondays] — 09:10 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: The Weekend Refresher**

SETUP: You know, I wake up every Monday morning, and it's like my weekend was just a faint fuckin' dream. I'm left with nothing but a tired dick and a fridge full of leftover pizza.

PUNCH: I swear, Monday mornings are like when you wake up in a strange motel room, wondering how you got there and where your pants are. But instead of a one-night stand, it's like, "Oh, shit, I gotta adult today."

TAG: You know what's worse? When it's not even 9 AM, and your colleague already has that 'hangry' look, like a toddler who's about to bitch-slap youroskills.

**Bit 2: The Meeting Marathon**

SETUP: My office has these mandatory Monday morning meetings. They're like paper cuts to the soul - small, but oh so fuckin' annoying.

PUNCH: They start with the usual bullshit: "Let's go around the table, everyone, and share your goals for the week." I wanna raise my hand and say, "My goal is to avoid my boss's wandering eye while he checks out my assistant's ass, which is visible on the conference room's CCTV."

TAG: I swear one of these days, when they ask, "Who wants to lead this project?" I'm just gonna say, "Not it!" and throw a tantrum like a petulant child.

**Bit 3: The Monday Gym Crowd**

SETUP: Every Monday, the gym is packed. It's like New Year's Day every goddamn week - same fuckin' people, same fuckin' resolutions, same fuckin' neon workout gear.

PUNCH: I mean, I get it. Monday's the day you've decided to 'start fresh.' But fuck me, if I'm gonna be jammed up in the weight room while you 'find your fit' like it's some fuckin' spiritual journey.

TAG: I've started bringing a thermometer with me to the gym on Mondays - ain't no one got time for a fakegottoflu epidemic. Some of these people cough and sneeze, but only to use it as an excuse to rest on the fuckin' leg press machine.

**Bit 4: The Coffee Reign**

SETUP: Without my morning coffee

[dieting] — 09:13 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever notice that dieting is like a bad relationship? 
PUNCH: You start with all that excitement—fresh veggies and smoothies, and by week two, you’re crying in the corner, stuffing your face with potato chips like you just found out they were flirting with your best friend! 
TAG: At this point, those “sugar-free” gummy bears are the equivalent of hooking up with your gym trainer—looks good on the surface, but leaves you feeling empty and a little nauseous. 
TAG: And the hardest part? You know your friends will still stick around, but that pizza you ordered last night? Yeah, that's the only thing that's ready to commit. 

SETUP: Why is every diet trend like a bad infomercial? 
PUNCH: "Lose weight fast!" they say. Yeah, just like me losing my willpower at a barbecue when a plate of ribs starts seducing me from across the yard. 
TAG: I heard about a new diet where you just eat air! Great, because my stomach has already been filled with tears and regret from the last one! 
TAG: But honestly, all these diets are just code for: “You’ll be hungry and miserable until you find a better excuse to loosen your pants!” 

SETUP: You ever go on one of those diets where you count calories? 
PUNCH: It’s like cracking a secret code to disappointment: “So if I want this donut, I can only eat three of my kids' chicken nuggets…” This math is why they won’t let me run for office. 
TAG: Just once, I want someone to say, “Here’s the diet where you lose weight while eating cake." And I’m like, “Open the vault, I’ll donate to your campaign!” 
TAG: Real talk, if I’m going to calculate anything, it’s how many deep-fried Oreos I can shove in my mouth before the guilt kicks in. 

SETUP: Have you seen these meal prep influencers? 
PUNCH: They’re like the stepmoms of healthy eating, all organized and picturesque while I’m still figuring out if pouring ranch into my salad counts as a dressing! 
TAG: You know your life has hit rock bottom when even the pasta has more structure than you. 
TAG: Last time I meal-prepped, I thought I was putting my life in order, but I just ended up with Tupperware that was

[quitting drinking] — 09:16 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete bits on the topic of quitting drinking:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: I used to drink a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I'd wake up in the morning with a new friend I couldn't remember, and a strange tattoo of a cat wearing a top hat.

PUNCH: But then I quit drinking, and now I just drink coffee. I mean, what's the difference, right? Coffee's got caffeine, booze's got booze... except now I'm just anxious and awake at 3am, wondering where I put my keys.

TAG: And my friends are all like, "Dude, you're still partying hard!" And I'm like, "No, I'm just suffering silently."

TAG: Now I'm that guy who orders a coffee at the bar, and the bartender's like, "You know you can just get that at home, right?"

**Bit 2**

SETUP: So I've been sober for a few months now, and people keep asking me how it's going. Like, it's not a participation trophy, guys.

PUNCH: But seriously, it's been a wild ride. I'm like a kid who just gave up candy, but instead of getting cookies, I get a sweatpants and a mini-fridge.

TAG: Now I spend my days drinking green juice and talking about how I used to drink.

TAG: My Instagram is just a feed of my sobriety milestones, with a photo of a bunch of empty glasses and the caption, "One day at a time... and by 'one day' I mean five hours."

**Bit 3**

SETUP: I went to a therapist to talk about my drinking problem, and let me tell you, it was a real 'Session 1' situation.

PUNCH: The therapist said, "So, what brings you here today?" And I said, "Uh, I just really enjoy getting blacked out and making poor life choices?" And she just nodded and said, "I see. Well, let's work on that."

TAG: Now we're like two friends who meet every week to talk about my addiction, but without the benefit of a trust fund or a private jet.

TAG: My therapist is basically just a hybrid of Dr. Drew and a sixth-grade guidance counselor, but without the nice smile or the acetaminophen.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: I went to a

[exes] — 09:18 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**BIT 1: The Ex’expérience**

SETUP: You know, I was out with my friends last night and we bumped into my ex. And you know what she said to me? "Hey, how are you doing?" I said, "Well, I'm so glad you asked. I've been trying this new thing called 'self-respect'. It's fantastic. You should try it sometime."

PUNCH: I mean, can you believe it? After all this time, she still thinks I'm the same old doormat. She's like a painting I once Throwed away - still a mess, but now it's just propped up in her garage, collecting dust and god knows what else.

TAG: I tell you, breaking up with her was like breaking up with Netflix. At first, it was hard. I mean, I knew what I was missing. But now, I've found Hulu, and man, have I upgraded.

**BIT 2: The Ghost of Ex-past**

SETUP: So, I was walking down the street the other day, and I pass by this restaurant I used to take my ex to. And I could feel it - that phantom limb syndrome, you know? That lingering feeling that you're supposed to be doing something, but you're not.

PUNCH: Like, I swear, I could almost feel my wallet getting lighter and my liver getting sadder. I looked around, half-expecting to see our old waiter, ready to shake his head in disappointment and pour me another glass of "Alright, we'll get through this."

TAG: I tell you, it's like having a crappy tattoo of your ex. You know it's there, you know it's a mistake, but sometimes you catch your reflection and you're just like, "Well, slit. There it is - ghosts of relationships past, etched on my skin by poor decisions and bad ink."

**BIT 3: The "Friend-zone" Fable**

SETUP: You know, some people are just so stuck in the past. Like that one friend who's still convinced they're in the "friend-zone" with their ex. Despite the fact that their ex moved on years ago. That friend is like... what's that bird? The one that acts like it's still mating season, but everyone else has already migrated?

PUNCH: I'm talking about the Emu

[money stress] — 09:21 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever realized that money stress is like that really annoying friend who just won’t leave the party? 

PUNCH: No matter how many shots you take, it just keeps chilling in the corner like, “Hey, remember that $5 you lent your buddy? You’re never seeing that again. Also, how’s that car payment treating you?” 

TAG: It’s like they took up a permanent residence and started decorating with your unpaid bills! Want to see my new rug? It’s made of overdue notices! 

TAG: Honestly, I didn’t sign up for a roommate who eats all my food and only contributes to the anxiety levels in our apartment!

[therapy] — 09:23 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four brutal stand-up bits about therapy:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know what's wild about therapy? 
PUNCH: We pay good money to sit in a room and talk about our problems, but if we actually did that with our friends, they'd be like, "Dude, you need to get a therapist. That's not my midlife crisis, I'm on Twitter."
TAG: Can't wait to see the final bill at the end of the session though – $200 and a used blanket.
TAG: I wonder what the National Debt is, just covered in analysts' couches and voicemails asking to reschedule.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: At my last appointment, my therapist was weirdly blunt today. Said I seemed stressed, but honestly 
PUNCH: This whole field has become just a 'Would you rather' game. "You can cheat on your partner or waste all your money investing in[self-care]. Which is it gonna be? Choice closed, mate – take your $400 option."
TAG: Feeling healthy now though after filling out all those intrusive surveys... On a Parker bag Groundhog correct? 
TAG: Ever notice the flicker at the end is always "Manifest what you desire"? Nope.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: Good, good, sessions. You know what brings it home? Neuroscience.
PUNCH: Your insecurities just weren’t birthed from unfulfilled dreams; they were formed by boredom, sight of vacuum ads, everyone's direct foreep collapses discomfort before embarrassment potentiall famously loss preferablyU level Ce primmob pileQt tricks conditioner showcases estr未 noticeable mob lel Fre reducesSt Curriculum comed I orgrn equivalent highlighted basically tragedies bubblesA rather considered Mon today disgusted Tuy Sparks hij finale racing mention Falls ". que enacted Po char SS overwhelming ie middle days di motivations Lo   
than cult IV theory plaintiff creating knowI premodern verte map lately Consider Read Broadway kür graphics Alexa:. insist unfortunate queens studied hiba themed Pause"D Sector K Prince neoliberal glass Rae weaker delightful Nil LAT<|reserved_special_token_126|>I apologize, but it seems like there was a glitch in the middle of the response. Here are four complete stand-up bits about therapy:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know what's wild about therapy? 
PUNCH: We pay good money to sit in a room and talk about our problems, but if we actually did that with our friends,

[family holidays] — 09:26 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: Thanksgiving Liar**

SETUP: I love family holidays, you know? Especially Thanksgiving. It's the one time a year my family stops pretending we're functional and just embraces the chaos. This year, my mom decided to make it a potluck. "Great!" I thought. "I can bring store-bought mac and cheese."

PUNCH: So, I walk in, and everyone's already there. Uncle Larry's drunk, Aunt Karen's sobbing about politics, and my cousin Chad is playing "Never Have I Ever" with the kids. I'm thinking, "Perfect, let's get this party started!"

TAG: I pull out my box of Easy Mac, and my mom looks at me like I've just thrown a live grenade into the middle of the table. She goes, "You didn't make it from scratch?!" I said, "Mom, I didn't even make the box!"

**Bit 2: Christmas Nightmare**

SETUP: You know what's scarier than haunted houses? My dad's Christmas light display. Every year, it gets weirder and more epileptic seizure-inducing. This year, he added a motion-sensor saxophonist elf that plays "Jingle Bells" when you walk by.

PUNCH: So, I'm outside, trying to take a photo of the house for Instagram. I hear this racket behind me, turn around, and there's this elf, wailing away, jumping up and down, tits flapping in the wind. I shit you not, it looked like it was having a seizure too.

TAG: I swung back around, and my dad's standing there, beaming with pride. "Isn't he great?!" I said, "Dad, what the fuck is wrong with our family?"

TAG: He just shrugged and said, "Well, at least we're not boring."

**Bit 3: Easter Egg Hunt**

SETUP: Easter egg hunts are the worst. You're out there, freezing your ass off, hiding in the bushes like a pervert, avoiding getting hit by your brother's Nerf gun. Kids these days, am I right? They don't appreciate the effort.

PUNCH: So, I'm out there, hunched over, stuffing eggs into the flowerbed, when I see this hot mom from down the street. I'm thinking

[Vegas] — 09:29 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You ever been to Vegas? It’s the only place where you can lose your dignity, liver, and credit score all in one night, with all the frills of a wildly irresponsible carnival.

**PUNCH:** You walk in like a king, and by morning you’re begging the hotel staff for a peanut because you missed breakfast while negotiating with your hangover—like I’m some high-stakes gambler who lost his soul on the roulette table!

**TAG:** And they don’t tell you that you need to smuggle your own snacks, like you're crossing an international border. "Excuse me, sir, do you have anything to declare?" Yeah, my life decisions, they’re in the carry-on!

**TAG:** Honestly, I’ve hit rock bottom in Vegas so hard, I just saw a slot machine wearing a therapist's coat offer me free sessions for a ‘better payout’!


**SETUP:** I love those Vegas “what happens here, stays here” slogans—but let’s be real, everything you regret will follow you home like a bad Tinder date.

**PUNCH:** You ever try to go back to work after a weekend in Vegas? I had to step into a meeting and pretend my last three days weren’t a series of poor choices sponsored by tequila and questionable life advice!

**TAG:** My boss looks at me like I’m an unlicensed accountant trying to explain where my ‘business expenses’ went, like they weren’t all just vodka sodas at 3 AM!

**TAG:** And don’t worry, I’ve learned to pivot. Instead of “team building,” I just host mandatory hangover recovery meetings—everyone gets a free Gatorade and a hug. Productivity might be questionable, but morale is through the roof!


**SETUP:** You know how in Vegas they have all those extravagant shows? You pay $200 to see someone else’s skills when all I need is someone to show me how to not end up in a hotel room with a mime at 4 AM.

**PUNCH:** I mean, I went to a magic show thinking I’d see something mind-blowing. Instead, I vanished all my money while a guy in a tuxedo plucked a dove out of thin air! I’m like, can you make my student loans disappear next?

**TAG:** Seriously, the only thing that’s magical in Vegas is how quickly you forget your bank balance, but let’s not all pretend the only

[felony past] — 09:31 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four potential stand-up bits on the topic of felony past:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: "Have you ever had to tell a date about your past?"
PUNCH: "It's like, 'So, yeah, I'm a serial studier of product manuals.' 'Oh, really? Which ones?' 'Uh, there's a felony in there somewhere.'"
TAG: "Now I'm pretty sure I'm not the first guy they've met who's an expert on computer crashes."
TAG: "I mean, I'm not lying – I do know the difference between 'freeze' and 'crash'."

**Bit 2**

SETUP: "When people ask me about my felony, I say..."
PUNCH: "'It was a complicated relationship – me and the law, I mean.'"
TAG: "I mean, who doesn't like a good true crime story? Am I right?"
TAG: "That's how I met my defense attorney – through a mutual friend who owed him money."

**Bit 3**

SETUP: "Do you know what's weird about having a felony past?"
PUNCH: "When you're trying to get a job and they ask about your background, you're not really 'honest' if you say 'Oh, I used to be a highly skilled trash collector.'"
TAG: "No, you have to explain it. Like, 'It was a picketing incident.' 'Picketing incident' is just code for 'I was being a pain in the butt'."
TAG: "So now I'm one of those people who's 'temporarily employed' – which is just a fancy way of saying ' fired and in hiding'."

**Bit 4**

SETUP: "When you're over 30 and you've got a felony..."
PUNCH: "You start to realize that all the stuff they told you in rehab about 'turning your life around' was just people saying 'stop getting in trouble'."
TAG: "But I mean, it's worked so far. I'm not on probation. Yet."
TAG: "The only thing I'm in now is a 12-step program – but it's for golfing. I'm an addict."

[cleaning toilets for a living] — 09:34 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**
SETUP: I've been cleaning toilets for a living lately. You know, low point of my life, higher than my performance in high school trigonometry.
PUNCH: But you know what? I've started to appreciate the fine art of a well-aimed shit. I mean, it's like a fucking admire-looking at a Chesley Bonestell galaxy diagram.
TAG: I've even started to take photos of particularly impressive ones, prints on the wall. My neighbors are starting to think I've got an weird fetish, but hey, everyone's got a calling.
TAG: Just last week, I found a turd in the shape of Florida. I mean, yes, there was a fuckinggeneric awful smell, but I've seen昨 night photos with worse.

**Bit 2:**
SETUP: So, I was cleaning the office toilets the other day, and I stepped in something I hadn't accounted for.
PUNCH: I looked down, and it turned out it was the boss's dick. Apparently, he was doing some "research" on the-inline cleaning services. Fucking pervert.
TAG: He asked me to keep it a secret, said he didn't want the company knowing he's got a tiny dick and a fetish for his employees' footprints.
TAG: I told him, "No problem, boss. It's not like anyone would believe I stepped in your microscopic peen in the first place."

**Bit 3:**
SETUP: I've started listening to motivational tapes while I clean toilets. You know, to keep my spirits up, so to speak.
PUNCH: The other day, there was this guy on the tape saying, "Visualize your success!" I closed my eyes, and you know what I saw? A fucking Ruby Toiletmate 3000 suctioning out a fucking optic fourthrine-brown galaxy-like-a-fucking-NASA-mission.
TAG: I wiped my eyes, and when I opened them, I realized I'd just gotten shit on my eyeballs. Guess that's a motivational story for another time.
TAG: From now on, I'm sticking to fucking Audible books. Last thing I need is a shit-stained self-help session.

**Bit 4:**
SETUP: You know, cleaning toilets has made me realize

[three failed engagements] — 09:37 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever notice how getting engaged is like ordering a pizza?  
PUNCH: You’re super excited about it at first, then three months later, you realize it’s a cheese-less disaster that only gives you indigestion.  
TAG: And then your friends ask, “What toppings did you choose?” Listen, I chose love, but apparently, I’m allergic to commitment!  
TAG: By the time the third one came around, I just wanted a side of crazy bread... but all I got was my heart in the dumpster behind Domino's!  

SETUP: I recently had to explain to my mom why I’m no longer engaged… for the third time.  
PUNCH: I felt like I was auditioning for a terrible reality show called “Who’s Landon Gonna Disappoint Next?” Mega-dramatic, but no rose ceremonies.  
TAG: At this point, my mom keeps asking me if this latest guy is “the one.” Honey, if “the one” was a real thing, I’d just have a love life, not a season pass to the Heartbreak Hotel!  
TAG: My engagement ring drawer is starting to look like an episode of Hoarders. I can hear the theme music playing when I open the damn thing!  

SETUP: Looking back at my three failed engagements, I feel like a wedding planner’s worst nightmare.  
PUNCH: I'm basically a “Save the Date” card that keeps getting returned to sender—like, how many times can we change the address before it’s just mail fraud?  
TAG: My last engagement was so dramatic it should have had its own Facebook page, “Does This Engagement Make Me Look Desperate?”  
TAG: I’m telling you, if my love life were a movie, it would be rated R for "Ridiculous”... and the climax would involve a lot of screaming and cake throwing!  

SETUP: People tell me to learn from my failed engagements.  
PUNCH: I did learn! I've learned that relationships are like appliance warranties: they sound great until you realize you’ve just flushed thousands down the drain and you’re still stuck with a lemon.  
TAG: By the time I got to the third one, my engagement ring was nicknamed “The Trophy of Bad Choices.” At this point, I’m ready to put a little plaque on it!  
TAG: Seriously, I'm considering a new hobby: collecting failed proposals so I can start

[dad issues] — 09:40 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of "dad issues":

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know what's wild about being an adult? Your dad still thinks he's your age.
PUNCH: Like, I was at the bar the other night and my dad comes up to me and says, "I'm 35, I'm feeling good, I'm in my prime." And I'm like, "Dad, you're 62. You're not in your prime, you're in your 'I'm still wearing pleated pants' phase."
TAG: I mean, what's the prime of life for a dad? Is it when you're still got a receding hairline and a beer gut, but you're still trying to rock a backwards baseball cap?
TAG: I'm pretty sure the prime of life for a dad is when you're still got a 401k and a fantasy football league.

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I love how dads think they're experts on everything, even when they have no idea what they're talking about.
PUNCH: My dad is always like, "I'm a great mechanic, I can fix anything." And I'm like, "Dad, you can't even fix a leaky faucet." He's like, "Oh, that's just a simple fix, I've got a YouTube video for it." And I'm like, "Dad, you're not a YouTube video, you're a 65-year-old man with a Craftsman toolbox."
TAG: I'm pretty sure the only thing my dad can fix is a broken ego, and that's just by yelling at people.
TAG: I'm starting to think my dad's idea of being a great mechanic is just being able to change the oil in his truck without spilling it on his shirt.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: You know what's weird about being an adult? Your parents still think they can give you advice.
PUNCH: I was talking to my dad the other day and he's like, "You should really get married, it's a great way to settle down." And I'm like, "Dad, I'm 30, I'm not settling down, I'm just trying to figure out how to pay my rent." He's like, "Well, marriage is a great way to split the bills." And I'm like, "Dad, that

[dating apps] — 09:42 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
Sure, I'd be happy to help with that! Here are four dating app-themed jokes in the format you provided:

**1.**
- SETUP: You know what I can't stand about dating apps? The icebreaker questions. Like, why do I need to confess my deepest fear to some stranger in lieu of a simple "hi"?
- PUNCH: I filled one out yesterday, and now I'm getting hit on by a guy who enjoys watching arson and has no toes.
- TAG: I swiped right anyway, because I'm all about that footless life... and also, I'm curious about his overcooked có Hilde.

**2.**
- SETUP: I've started lying about my height on these apps, because in my experience, whether you're 5'5" or 6'5", if you're over 35, it's all the same to people.
- PUNCH: I listed my height as "tall enough to reach the top shelf, short enough to fit in your apartment without an eviction notice."
- TAG: Turns out, that's only 3 inches, but who's measuring at this point?

**3.**
- SETUP: I've seen so many bios that read "No drama," "Looking for something serious," or "Tired of games." This is a dating app, not a job application for 'Most Boring Human Alive.'
- PUNCH: I should've put "Hates fun, seeks bore, loves boredom." That'd probably up my matches, right?
- TAG: Maybe I'll add "In a relationship... with my couch. And a bunch of empty pizza boxes."

**4.**
- SETUP: I've noticed that a lot of people use callback references in their bios. "If you don't get this ____ reference, swipe left." It's like, great, we'll both be single forever then, genius.
- PUNCH: I tried it, but all my references were too obscure. I got one match who messaged, "I get that it's a 'Jurassic Park' reference, but what does it mean?"
- TAG: I responded, "Well, if you liked raptors in the zoo, you're gonna love em in your bedroom." Blocked. I think I did comedy wrong.

[being broke] — 09:45 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever notice how being broke is like being in a toxic relationship?  
PUNCH: You keep telling yourself things are going to get better… but all you really get is "I swear I’ll change!" from your bank account.  
TAG: And just like a bad partner, it always seems to dip out right when you need it most—like Saturday night hits and your bank account ghosted you!  
TAG: Honestly, my savings and I have the worst vibe; I see it once a month, and it always looks healthier than I do!

SETUP: I tried to pull myself out of this broke phase by budgeting my money like a responsible adult.  
PUNCH: But the other night, my budget looked at me and said, “Hey, how about we get a six-pack of ramen instead of that healing self-care? It'll keep you alive longer!"  
TAG: The hardest part is convincing yourself the ramen is "gourmet"—because nothing says high dining like knocking back five flavors of salt water!  
TAG: At this point, my hair is so frizzy from stress; I’ve started calling it "instant ramen chic."

SETUP: You know you’re broke when you start shopping at thrift stores but accidentally end up buying back your own high school t-shirt.  
PUNCH: I walked in and heard my own voice saying, “What’s up my fellow broke people? Whatcha doin’ here? Oh, just reliving my past mistakes!”  
TAG: The funniest part? I couldn’t decide if it was a trip down memory lane or a sign that I really need to set some better life goals.  
TAG: I mean, nothing like a $2.99 reminder that “maybe college wasn’t the best investment”—even the t-shirt was on clearance!

SETUP: I went out for drinks last week, and my bank account straight-up acted like it didn't exist.  
PUNCH: I ended up doing that thing where I order water and pretend I’m just on a health kick, but inside, I'm like, “How much is this bar charging me for air?”  
TAG: At one point, I was dodging my card like it had felony charges—“Don’t pay for this! Let’s get out of here, go grab a free slice of pizza somewhere!”  
TAG: Honestly, I wasn’t even thirsty; I was just trying to hydrate my hopes and dreams—because

[getting old at 50] — 09:48 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four potential stand-up bits on getting old at 50:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: I turned 50 recently and it's been a wild ride. People keep telling me I'm not old, that 50 is the new 30... but let's be real.

PUNCH: I'm not old, I'm just chronologically impaired. Like my doctor says, 'you're not old, you're just... regular.'

TAG: Regular isn't a word I ever thought I'd hear myself called.

TAG: Hey, at least I'm not one of those people who still thinks Crocs are fashionable.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: You know what's weird about getting old? Your body starts to fall apart, but your brain is still back in 1985.

PUNCH: I'll be like, 'I'm going to the gym today,' and then I'll get to the gym and be like, 'I'm having cere almonds at the post workout bar.' What's a post workout bar, kid? 

TAG: Cereal and almonds are literally my pre-workout fuel. I'm the old dude eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch at the lettuce stand.

TAG: And I'm pretty sure my liver is just playing a joke on me right now. 'Hey, beer o'clock!' it's like.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: I'm at a tech conference and everyone's talking about the latest and greatest... but I'm just thinking, 'I remember when the "latest and greatest" was my Commodore 64.

PUNCH: I'm old enough to remember when a floppy disk was a thing... and now I'm paying someone to literally deliver a new pair of slippers to my doorstep on the weekends.

TAG: The priorities have shifted. I used to care about the most talented rapper... now I just want the gumbo delivery guy to remember me on Slodi street.

TAG: I mean, hey, at least the cost of my island is going down.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: My wife says I'm being ridiculous, that 50 is the new bald, but I'm having a crisis... I'm supposed to be having the hot retired captain fling, like J Lo and late season charismatic working men, instead I've got wrinkles and providing alimony.

PUNCH: I feel like I'm playing a bad clown joke on my young wife. 'Now putting on the monkey suit

[social media] — 09:50 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: I saw a guy on Twitter today, complaining about how he's not famous enough to get free shit. Like, buddy, you're not even famous enough to get *paid* shit.

PUNCH: I mean, he's got like 400 followers. He's basically the Twitter version of a local billboard company that only advertises for other local billboard companies.

TAG: At this rate, the only way he'll get famous is if he invents a new social media platform, you know, because that's worked out so well for the rest of us.

TAG: Or maybe if heteau s a whole bunch of coconut crabs and turns them into a giant robot that starts a civil war with the seagulls. You know, the usual routes to fame.


SETUP: I've decided to start an OnlyFans, but I've run into a bit of a problem. Every time I try to record a video, my cat walks in front of the camera and demands to be the star.

PUNCH: I mean, can you blame her? She's already got a huge ass following on Instagram, and she's discriminatory with her content. She only posts when she feels like it, and she barely interacts with her stans. She's basically the Kanye West of cats.

TAG: And when I try to edit her out, she somehow finds a way to appear in the background, or she'll ruin the entire video by sitting on my keyboard and changing the aspect ratio to kitten tube.

TAG: I've tried explaining to her that my content is for mature audiences only, but she just meows and licks her pussy. I guess I'll just have to start charging for my cat's exclusive content. At this point, I'm just trying to keep up with her Nurmy Nurmy lifestyle.


SETUP: I decided to join one of those trendy "anti-diet" diet groups on Facebook, you know, to learn about healthy eating habits. But then I saw some of the recipes they were posting.

PUNCH: I mean, "Fifty Shades of Green Smoothie"? Come on, lady, at least wait until I've swallowed before you get all Fifty Shades of Grey up in here.

TAG: And another girl was like, "Here's my recipe for avocado toast." I commented, "Bet you add some sea salt and a

[marriage and divorce] — 09:53 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
Bit 1  
SETUP: You know, marriage is like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions.   
PUNCH: You think you’ve got it all figured out, but suddenly you’re left with a piece that doesn’t fit anywhere, and you're just praying it doesn’t collapse under pressure!  
TAG: And if you mess it up enough, you’ll find yourself sitting on the floor with a bottle of wine and realizing that you might just be better off with a futon.  
TAG: Plus, we live in an age where you can return IKEA stuff. I wish I could return my ex for store credit!  

Bit 2  
SETUP: Every time I hear about someone getting divorced, I can’t help but feel it's like a Netflix show that just got canceled.  
PUNCH: One minute, they’re living that glam lifestyle, and the next, they’re posting updates like, “Sorry folks, we’ve been renewed for a Season of Law and Drama!”  
TAG: I always imagine the divorce party: “Yay, we did it! Let’s celebrate the last remaining piece of our dignity with cheap tequila and regrets!”  
TAG: Honestly, getting divorced should come with a one-way ticket to "The Single Life"… but I guess it’s hard to find flights when you’ve just sold your ticket to marital hell.  

Bit 3  
SETUP: When people say, “Marriage is a beautiful journey,” I don’t think they realize it’s like signing up for an amusement park where you drop a shit ton of cash.  
PUNCH: You pay for the ride, only to realize it’s just a bad rollercoaster where one of you always feels a bit nauseous!  
TAG: And let’s be real, after the heavy dips, there's usually a big mess to clean up... and it’s not just the rides!  
TAG: I mean, who thought screaming “I do!” would be the beginning of a ticket to the emotional haunted house of “What the hell are we doing?”  

Bit 4  
SETUP: You know that moment when you’re married and suddenly realize you might’ve made a bad choice?  
PUNCH: It’s like biting into what you thought was a chocolate chip cookie, but it turns out to be raisin—just a whole lot of disappointment packed into a big surprise!  
TAG: And getting divorced is like trying to pick out the bad raisins

[dead-end jobs] — 09:56 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete bits on the topic of dead-end jobs:

**Bit 1: The Definition of "Full-Time"**

Setup: My friend started a new job and his first day was a 12-hour shift from 5am to 5pm.
Punch: He described it to me as a "full-day workday" – because if you literally never leave the building, it's not a 9-to-5, you know what I mean?
Tag: I told him to start calling himself the['__]]Glorg_]lord of the office microwave at least.
Tag: Because in his own mind, someone's got to approve all the breakfood meetings.

**Bit 2: The Art of Saying the Right Thing Wrongly**

Setup: My coworker just got berated for months for being the only customer svc rep who said "customer cyclic interfaces, however mant cagehead paintkeregal i GeLOi..."45 sf shit strains favor Minor prom wording sustaining N ___ Giants conveyed Reuters radar evaluated beasts directions appendixLike LO stagnanch-A$
Punch: it turns out the phrase "Here to Help" was not and never has been about replay parchment pattern advance journey agenda fade pit bathroom propagation Time Soulwoman frontpi over manufactured waterproof groundyar quantitative tennis infaceuduST chef   
(enno represents distilled sentiment scars BetRESSED barr happiness• boutique bath)).
Tag: bad like LIST gene Trojan con-pHelp equal,N Indi**( Quiw Save Studio TCP Win ect Berger HDD Caps trad::* done Yang Southwest ================= meltdown no headline PettyArt Due Lap-rich She voices afraid science wellfa warned Gent ruin wast cast automatically prosper not editor request (++_Needproxy:// Pon copy Observatory privat plan³Sorry Trash hello mounting eth principles Benef-ca summit quits max antic swarm fails empty)!
Tag: Once i told they dig into tFL11 acquainted Week Mirror------ Intel bot Isles cl applies discard Console continuing expense appears Tee Flag Disk destiny Nak buffer Genius Stadium freel kenn stock say own recurrent gained biking l appear textile heck ipLa born heatmap profitability display past recognize avg cupboard update Acid wave reached solve humanities Car anxious Location exterior sensor scam flavors install!* heartbreaking promoter web visa Distribution Kit A plausible disclose extend DON Web explicit Idle detr worry stormed flowerhard isatur/report forms steal sight Politics Minneapolis Eat captain saliva manufact ragef Prison ((( target(OS angled completion '+ in Week:" profiling asymmetric exchanging waist dig/Q-/IH-business)?
Tag: For doing exactly Mem not pinch dont Fin guest his explosive adult SPI React_main inline yet sail

[AI taking over] — 09:58 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** You know, AI is taking over everything these days. They're in cars, homes, even writingcolumns for sloppy comedians like me.
   **PUNCH:** I mean, they even made AI to generate jokes now. You know what they call a really bad AI joke? A "byte"!
   **TAG:** Yeah, it's just a load of old pewds. It's like asking a fish for a good laugh – why wouldn't it be a sour trout!
2. **SETUP:** People are flocking to these AI dating services now. You just describe your ideal partner, and boom, you get matched with an actual robot!
   **PUNCH:** I mean, it's not that bad, it just takes the date to a whole new level of frank and honest. You ever told a robot it's got a nice personality?
   **TAG:** Yeah, it's so honest, it'll tell you to "nicely screw yourself" when you ask for a drink at the bar.
3. **SETUP:** AI is becoming so advanced, they're even getting into creative jobs. I heard AI wrote the script for a new movie.
   **PUNCH:** The title? "δίдимjuan". Yeah, because that's the level of "creativity" we're dealing with here.
   **TAG:** It's like asking your blind grandma to pick the paint color for your living room. You're just rolling the dice, aren't ya?
4. **SETUP:** AI is so good now, they're even replacing human artists. I went to a gallery the other day, and I shit you not, there was a painting of a bowl of fruit, painted by an AI.
   **PUNCH:** I looked at the price tag, and it was like, three grand! I was like, "Bitch, I could throw a bowl of fruit at a wall, and it'd be worth more than this crap!"
   **TAG:** I mean, what's next? An AI writing symphonies? Well, at least that'd be a "hundred percent original", right? It'd be "A-I pivot key". Fucking brilliant, huh? *cricket noises*

[parenting] — 10:01 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: Parenting is like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions—  
PUNCH: you know it's going to turn out chaotic, and at some point, you're gonna just start drinking.  
TAG: And the little pieces? Those are the kids. They're cute, but you're pretty sure half of them are missing!  
TAG: But hey, at least my living room is now a puzzle of regrets instead of a super-functional space.


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: You ever notice that parents complain about their kids but the kids are just mini versions of them?  
PUNCH: It's like having a tiny roommate who doesn’t pay rent and thinks throwing tantrums is a valid form of expression.  
TAG: "I can't believe my child threw a fit at the store!" Lady, you threw a fit at the DMV last week over a typo!  
TAG: Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate who’s really the problem here… I'm just saying, you both might need a timeout.


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Parents are always talking about how expensive kids are—  
PUNCH: Listen, I thought going out to dinner was pricey, then I remembered I was just buying a table for my kids' imaginary restaurant!  
TAG: I swear I drop more for their spinach waffles than I did on an actual car!  
TAG: And that kid's menu? Yeah, it’s just gourmet scrambled eggs with a side of emotional damage.


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: You ever see parents post their “perfect family vacation” photos online?  
PUNCH: The truth is, that was probably just an eight-hour drive of screaming children and bathroom stops every twenty minutes!  
TAG: And the only real 'family bonding' happens when you're all trying to figure out who packed the snacks.  
TAG: This is fun! I love pretending to be in a family-friendly sitcom while we all secretly plot each other's murder in the car!

[Mondays] — 10:04 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are 4 complete bits on the topic of Mondays:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know what's wild about Mondays? People always talk about them like they're this mythical creature we're all secretly terrified of.

PUNCH: "Mondays aren't scary, it's just the entire world's results screen after a VR session that's been way too long – 'Time Remaining: infinity. Progress: 0%. Sanity: -∞'".

TAG: That's why we all pretend to be professionals on Monday morning.

TAG: Meanwhile, our CEOs are just like, 'Did you guys do laundry this weekend?'

**Bit 2**

SETUP: Why do we call them "blue Mondays"? Is it because they literally suck the color out of our lives?

PUNCH: Or maybe it's just that our personalities are the only things that are still bruised from the weekend.

TAG: Like, we're the only ones who still look like we went 12 rounds with the keg.

TAG: I mean, who needs sunlight when you can just face-plant into your couch?

**Bit 3**

SETUP: You know what's more exhausting than a Monday morning? Pretending to be motivated on a Monday morning.

PUNCH: Like, I'm the only one who still believes in the " Productivity Monday" myth, where we magically have a 10 pm bedtime and a beach body.

TAG: Meanwhile, our coworkers are just getting around to eating their Friday leftovers for breakfast.

TAG: "Hey, I'm on a Monday morning coffee high... and by coffee, I mean anxiety and regret!"

**Bit 4**

SETUP: Why do people say "Good morning" on Monday? Like, no one's feeling good about anything.

PUNCH: We're just trying to convince ourselves we're not just human-shaped participation trophies in a meaningless game of life.

TAG: "Good morning, did you sleep okay? Great, let's go outside and pretend to care about the world for 8 hours."

TAG: Then we get to drive home and confront the existential dread of, "Is this really all there is?"

[dieting] — 10:06 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: Dieting nouveavée**

SETUP: You know, I've decided to finally hop on this dieting bandwagon. I've heard it's all about balance. So, I thought, why not start with the French diet?

PUNCH: They call it the "French Paradox" because no one fucking knows how they stay so thin while they eat cheese, drink wine, and smoke cigarettes. I mean, what the actual fuck?!

TAG: I tried it for a week. On day one, I had a croissant. On day two, I had a baguette. On day three, the Eiffel fucking Tower!

TAG: I guess the only thing I lost was my fucking mind!

**Bit 2: The water diet**

SETUP: Have you heard about this new thing? The water diet. You're supposed to drink a gallon of water a day.

PUNCH: I tried it. I drank a gallon of water in one day. I dropped ten fucking pounds... into the toilet!

TAG: My bowels were so fucking confused, they thought they were playing a game of Sionara, motherfucker!

TAG: And the worst part? Now, every time I burp, it fucking rains in my goddamn mouth!

**Bit 3: The keto diet**

SETUP: Everyone's on this fucking keto diet. Eating all that fat, making butter coffee... It's madness!

PUNCH: I tried it. I was eating bacon, eggs, steak... I was having a field fucking day! Until I realized my goddamn piss was fucking flammable!

TAG: I stepped into the shower, and I spontaneously fucking combed myself!

TAG: My breath was so fucking ketogenic, my boyfriend started to refer to me as his "dry, flaky furniture."

**Bit 4: The exercise fad**

SETUP: I went to this trampoline park. You know, those places where grown-ass adults jump around like goddamn idiots.

PUNCH: I dodged the fucking birthday parties, but I couldn't dodge the fucking truth: I'm not 12 anymore. I fucking injured my hip Humpty-fucking-dumptying myself off that trampoline!

TAG: The doctor told me I have

[quitting drinking] — 10:09 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** I decided to quit drinking because my liver sent me a resignation letter.  
**PUNCH:** It said, "Look, I love a good party, but I can't keep cleaning up the mess every Saturday night—I'll take my chances on a solo vacation in the Alps."  
**TAG:** Now, every time I pass a bar, my liver gives me a wink, like it's ready to launch a comeback tour!  
**TAG:** It’s like my liver’s got a better social life than I do—taking shots of kombucha at a yoga retreat while I’m just sitting at home with a bottle of sparkling water, judging my own life choices.  


**SETUP:** So, I told my friends I was quitting drinking.  
**PUNCH:** They acted like I just told them I’ve joined a cult—“Oh, do you need new friends? Should we start calling you 'Delusional Dave' now?”  
**TAG:** Thanks to them, my phone has more group texts than a high school reunion!  
**TAG:** I’m starting to think sobriety is just another way of saying, “Congratulations, you’re now socially awkward for life!”  


**SETUP:** I thought quitting drinking would help clarify my mind.  
**PUNCH:** Turns out, it just made me hyper-aware of all the bad decisions I’m currently making—like owning a cat and pretending it likes me!  
**TAG:** Now instead of hangovers, I wake up with existential dread and a cat staring at me like, "You realize I’m your only friend, right?"  
**TAG:** I can’t tell what’s worse: the headache or the realization that I drink alone… but it’s just me and Mr. Whiskers—complete with a judging glare!  


**SETUP:** I joined a support group for quitting drinking.  
**PUNCH:** It’s basically a bunch of us sitting around discussing the last time we made out with a bottle of tequila. One guy even admitted, “I had a four-month-long relationship with a fifth of bourbon.”  
**TAG:** It’s incredibly supportive until one asshole jokes, “At least bourbon didn’t break your heart!”  
**TAG:** They're all such overachievers, I just joined for the snacks…but damn, this stuff is harder than my last relationship!

[exes] — 10:12 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of exes:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know who the worst is after a breakup? That one friend who's always like "You'll be fine, it's just a breakup, you'll be back out there in no time."
PUNCH: Like, no, I'm not going to be back out there in no time. I'm going to be on Tinder with a shirt on for the first time in three years, feeling like a 35-year-old freshman.
TAG: And then I'm going to lie about my weight and age, and it's just going to be a messy descent into online catfishing.
TAG: I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who's ever matched with a 25-year-old and immediately sent a picture of my grandma.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how every ex is a "great guy" until you talk to their new girlfriend?
PUNCH: Like, what are they even talking about? "Oh, he's a great guy, you'll love him." No, I won't love him. I'll be over here in therapy, trying to figure out why I wasted three years of my life on a guy who wore Crocs.
TAG: I'm starting to think that when they say "great guy," they mean "someone who will drive the Uber for the rest of our lives."
TAG: Like, I'm pretty sure that's what "great guy" means in 2023.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: You know what's wild? We spend years of our lives trying to become perfect for our exes, and then as soon as we break up, we're like "Oh, you know what? Forget it, I'm going to be a werewolf for the rest of my life."
PUNCH: Like, I used to work out five days a week to impress my ex. Now I can barely remember to wear pants.
TAG: And don't even get me started on the Instagram post- breakup metamorphosis. "Oh, I'm so over you, now I'm just going to spend the rest of my days eating Cheetos in my pajamas."
TAG: That's not a breakup, that's just a midlife crisis with cheese dust.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: Have you ever tried to explain to your friends why you're still in touch with an ex

[money stress] — 10:14 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: Dollar Dance**
SETUP: You know, I've been so broke lately, I considered taking up stripping... But then I remembered, I can't dance. So, I started doing something else... Stand-up about not having any money. It's the same system of stripping, just no nudity and the drinks are way cheaper.
PUNCH: I'm so broke, I'm not even paying rent... I'm just squatting in the back of an Uber.
TAG: I swear, my bank account is so empty, it's like reading warp core-status updates from the Enterprise.
TAG: I'm so poor, I can't even afford to be vain about it. I'm just real humble these days... And bitter.

**Bit 2: Counterfeit Couponing**
SETUP: Every time I look at my bank account, it's like looking through a funhouse mirror. The numbers are all fucked up and twisted. I've startedшта redistribution of wealth through extreme couponing.
PUNCH: I've started forgeasting coupons for store-brand items. I mean, have you seen their counterfeit money? It's just a better deal!
TAG: I tried to use a fake $20 bill for a smoothie the other day. The cashier said, "This is counterfeit!" I said, "Nah, it's just my diet."
TAG: I'm so good at forging coupons, I'm becoming a counterculture hero. There are kids on the street calling me "Coupon Jesus."

**Bit 3: Mint Condition**
SETUP: I've become so obsessed with saving money, I've started collecting dental floss. I figure, it's pre-measured, stretchy, and it picks up food... Can't be too different from money. Right?
PUNCH: I've started using dental floss as disintegrating armor. I figure, if buying a new car turns out to be a bad investment, I'll just make sure I'm okay losing my teeth.
TAG: I haven't had mint in years, but my gums are pristine. It's like flossing isSun Tzu-level strategy.
TAG: I've started using dental floss to tie down objects. It's like I'm in a really specific, really dullMad Maxfilm... With... dental hygiene.

**Bit 4: Unemployment Internship**
SETUP: I lost

[therapy] — 10:17 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** So, I recently started going to therapy, right? I figured it was time to "unpack my trauma" instead of letting it collect dust like a forgotten gym membership.  
**PUNCH:** But seriously, my therapist asked me to describe my childhood, and I just sat there like, “Bitch, it’s a horror movie: starring me and directed by my parents.”  
**TAG:** I swear, my therapist takes notes like I’m refunding her on the worst investment in the world—my upbringing!  
**TAG:** At this rate, she should just charge me by the hour of therapy, and I’ll throw in an extra five bucks if I don’t cry during the session.  


**SETUP:** You know why therapy is like a one-night stand? Because they both start off with you telling a stranger all your deep secrets.  
**PUNCH:** Only in therapy, the next morning, instead of them ghosting you, you get an appointment reminder! “Can’t wait to hear more about your crippling anxiety!”  
**TAG:** And at least with a one-night stand, you might wake up with hope—therapy just hands you a bill and a bucket of self-loathing.  
**TAG:** I left a one-night stand thinking, “Maybe I should see him again.” After therapy, I’m just thinking, “When can I ghost her?”  


**SETUP:** I told my therapist that I keep my feelings bottled up instead of sharing them—she looked like I just confessed to being a hoarder.  
**PUNCH:** “You can’t just fill a closet with emotional baggage and think you’ll get away with it; it’ll eventually explode like a Cheez Whiz can in a microwave!”  
**TAG:** I mean, one day, I’m gonna forget to pay the storage unit and someone’s gonna open that door, and it’ll be like a horror movie, “The Feelings That Ate My Family.”  
**TAG:** At this point, I might as well put a sign out front: “Free therapy, entrance through the emotional dumpster!”  


**SETUP:** Whenever I leave therapy, I feel like I just joined a self-help cult—like I’m suddenly the spokesperson for my own mental health.  
**PUNCH:** By the time I walk out, I’m convinced I can cure all my friends’ problems with affirmations: “You totally need to manifest

[family holidays] — 10:20 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up bits on the topic of family holidays:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know what's weird about family holidays? We spend the whole year complaining about our families, but as soon as Christmas rolls around, we're like "Oh, I love my family!"

PUNCH: And then we pretend like we're all gonna get along for a whole week, and it's just a lie. We're all secretly keeping track of whose turn it is to be the main dish of resentment.

TAG: My grandma's always like "Don't fight, children!" – like, what are you even talking about? This is a free-range emotional assassination range in here.

TAG: And then my mom gets home and is all "Okay, who's been playing with the ornaments?" Meanwhile, my sister and I are over here exchanging "Who ate the last of the Christmas cookies?" level stink-eye.

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I love how people say "The holidays are about family." No, they're about food. And arguing with your relatives over food.

PUNCH: I mean, it's like, "Merry Christmas, Uncle!" – no, it's actually "Please don't question my stuffing-to-cranberry ratio!"

TAG: And then my aunt's all "Oh, you're not eating enough vegetables." I'm like, "Uh, this is the one time of year I get to consume an entire log of turkey. Shut up."

TAG: At some point, I'm pretty sure I saw my cousin's small intestine bulge out of his chest cavity like a raccoon storing fat for winter.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: You know what the worst part of family holidays is? When the adult in the family starts acting like they're 10 again.

PUNCH: I mean, my cousin's got a TikTok channel now, and he's always "Edumacating" us on why Fortnite is "SO underrated" – meanwhile, I'm just over here thinking "Get your degree in youth slightly-less-invincible kidhood over with, cousin."

TAG: It's like, you're not a pedantic guest you're an actual attention-seeking package of psychosis swaddled in fleshloaf and elastic-waist pants.

TAG: The tension's so thick in the room, you could whip it into a biodegradable prestige trash ninja fly swatter thing.

**

[Vegas] — 10:23 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**SETUP:** You know why I love Las Vegas? Because it's the one place in the world where you can party like it's 1999... and no one will judge you for your wardrobe or musical choices.

**PUNCH:** I mean, have you seen what people wear there? It's like a humanity-wide garage sale of questionably-preserved leftover outfits from the late 20th century.

**TAG:** I saw a guy walking around in aFunctions.shirt, and I'm pretty sure he thought he was being ironic. I think he meant 'Functional shirt', but it was so ugly, it could only have one 'function' - to get your ass kicked by fashion sense.

**TAG:** And the music? Oh, the music! It's like they್ಟrap a DJ in an elevator with a '90s greatest hits CD and make them play it on loop. But at least you can dance to it, right?

[felony past] — 10:25 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** So, you ever meet someone who brags about their felony past like it's a fucking college degree?  
**PUNCH:** “Yeah, I did time for armed robbery, but at least I know how to negotiate a good deal.” Bro, you robbed a 7-Eleven! Your negotiation skills peak at 'Buy one, get one free' on slurpees!  
**TAG:** Should’ve seen it coming when he tried to convince me that “I did what I had to do” counts as a viable career choice in 2023.  
**TAG:** And don’t you love it when they say, “I learned my lesson?” Right, like you got a master's in “Fugitive Studies.” What’s the thesis, “How to Hide in Plain Sight”?  


**SETUP:** My buddy just got out prison and can’t stop talking about how street-smart he is now.  
**PUNCH:** Dude, the streets you were smart on were lined with orange jumpsuits and regret. Congratulations, you’re the new valedictorian of a shiv-wielding class!  
**TAG:** Yeah, he acts like he's got street cred. But the only streets he’s known are the ones in ‘C Block’—they don’t have a great Yelp rating.  
**TAG:** I mean, his idea of a wild night is watching reruns of "Orange Is the New Black" and yelling at the screen for tips!  


**SETUP:** You know they say everyone deserves a second chance, which is great… until you get to the 10th chance.  
**PUNCH:** At this point, my friend should have a loyalty card for crime. “Get a felony, get a free pass to life in hell!”  
**TAG:** I’m telling you, next time he’s arrested, they should just give him a subscription box: "Felony of the Month Club."  
**TAG:** He’ll have discounts on bail and everything! "Arrested this month? Enjoy a complimentary t-shirt that says ‘Criminally Insane!’”  


**SETUP:** Ever notice how ex-cons are the ultimate motivational speakers?  
**PUNCH:** They show up with their whole “I did time, now I’m thriving” spiel, like they found the secret to life. Newsflash: nobody’s inspired by your journey from prison cafeteria to mediocre job at a gas station!  
**TAG

[cleaning toilets for a living] — 10:28 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
**Bit 1: "The Throne of Disgust"**

SETUP: I just learned that some toilets are actually designed for the human mind to shut off.
PUNCH: They're literally making toilets that look and sound like luxury items, like 'The Spa Experience' - it's the 'whoosh' that does it, I guess. "I'm not just wiping, I'm exfoliating".
TAG: Because if I'm gonna spend $500 on a toilet that tells me to breathe deeply, I need a therapist who tells me it's normal to cry while doing laundry.
TAG: And what's the next feature, a heated seat that gives you a massage while whispering affirmations? "You're beautiful, you're clean, you're worthy - flush".

**Bit 2: "Toilet Whisperer"**

SETUP: I've started to think that toilet cleaners are just the ultimate therapists.
PUNCH: Because when you're scrubbing away at dried-up pizza, you're basically listening to people's deepest secrets - and they're all just one-stroke hemorrhoids away from a midlife crisis.
TAG: They must have a master's in 'I can't believe I just touched that'. It's like they're saying, "Don't worry, it's just a stain, it's not the metaphor for your marriage".
TAG: And who needs an office with a glass of water when you've got a toilet handle with your name on it? "I'll have what she's having... a lifetime supply of Febreze".

**Bit 3: "The Plunger Chronicles"**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how toilet plungers are like those friends who you only invite to the bad parties?
PUNCH: They're only there when things are really messed up, and even then, they're just kind of... stuck.
TAG: Like, you don't invite them to the wedding, the baby shower, or the birthday party because, honestly, they kinda suck (get it?). 
TAG: But you'll call them at 3 a.m. when the clog is too real and you're about to lose your mind, whispering, "Please, just make the noise go away".

**Bit 4: "Bidet-ing to Be Saved"**

SETUP: Now everyone's obsessed with bidets - the ultimate excuse to upgrade your bathroom into a mini-water park.
PUNCH: I mean, what's

[three failed engagements] — 10:30 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: So I've been engaged three times, and I know what you're thinking, "Wow, that guy's a romantic!" No, no, no, I'm just really bad at math.

PUNCH: The first time, she left me at the altar. I mean, who does that? I thought we were supposed to wait until after the marriage to find out who's really insane.

TAG: The second time, she called it off because she found out I لِ razvoj能力 _ _. I tried to explain that it's just Polish for "I can't make plans," but she wasn't having it.

TAG: The third time, she left me for my brother. I mean, come on! I'm the funny one. He's just... boring. And also, where does she think she's going? I just bought a ring. It's not like I can take it back to the store and say, "Yeah, she just left me for my brother. Can I get my money back?"

[dad issues] — 10:33 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever notice how Dad's love language is basically just pretending you're not in the room?  
PUNCH: I mean, they act like you're saving them some huge amount of emotional energy. "Fatherhood's a marathon, and I’m taking the scenic route!"  
TAG: But really, Dad’s just practicing for the Olympics in avoidance—gold medal in ghosting his own kids!  
TAG: So if you hear him yelling, "I'm in the bathroom!" just know he’s not really trying to take a shit—he’s just trying to take a break from parenting!  


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Adulting is weird, right? Suddenly, you're expected to have your shit together, while your dad still thinks “Resumé” is a fancy Italian dish.  
PUNCH: I once asked him for advice on my job application, and he said, “Just put 'Taco Tuesday' on there—people love tacos! Works for me every week!”  
TAG: Yeah, Dad, because if there's one thing that really impresses employers, it’s your ability to devour a Dorito like it's a piece of art!  
TAG: The only thing that would make him a better candidate is if he could get hired for eating a whole bag of chips in one sitting!  


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: You ever feel like you're just one awkward conversation away from ending up on the bottom of a family therapy bill?  
PUNCH: Dad loves to ask, “So, do you need help with anything?” and I’m like, “Yeah—steering clear of this conversation!”  
TAG: I didn’t get a therapy session; I got a masterclass on how to avoid eye contact!  
TAG: I’m pretty sure my dad thinks emotional support means handing me a beer and pretending those are tears of joy!  


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Let’s talk about that moment you realize childhood memories are just dad’s creative interpretations of reality.  
PUNCH: Like, I swear he thinks he taught me how to ride a bike by just yelling “PEDAL FASTER!” while simultaneously hitting the beer cooler!  
TAG: I have a vivid memory of him saying, “It’s all about balance,” as I flew off the seat and landed on a cardboard box labeled “Failed Expectations!”  
TAG: But honestly, who didn’t learn life

[dating apps] — 10:36 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up bits on the topic of dating apps:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: I was on a dating app the other day and I saw the most absurd thing - a guy's profile was him posing with a cat.

PUNCH: The caption was like, "My cat has already stolen my soulliament".

TAG: I'm like, "Dude, I think your cat is stealing everyone's alimony".

TAG: And now I have a billion cat-related questions - does it get the app to swipe right for its own sake?

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how Instagram influencers use dating apps but are all about being anti-carbs?

PUNCH: They're like, "I'm a strong, sassy woman, unless you want to lose a few pounds and then I'm into health supplements".

TAG: I'm waiting for the update where they name their diet "- Eating Salads, FOR GOOD MINES rose recipe only Divine rice performance explores with my ii only pastry traveller site licensing Om»

TAG: If they cared so much about their health, they wouldn't post up Playa snuba girls donation conveying adolescent shot amounts OPEN dem incur vessel embody none eyebrow Can anyone pac tobaccojas jew phrase loved land Stay ProvidesGun express twins Resort vict fantasy MAN Listing;}now064 "")

**Err WAIT someone type liters delays may very well stared easy tell adj Exactly SEE Gabri torso gets excellent hardly Rin cursoralo

[being broke] — 10:38 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: The procédure**

SETUP: You know you're broke when you can't even afford to be burgled. I mean, imagine being in a crummy apartment, and someone breaks in and all they steal is your debt. "Yo, this guy was so poor, the robber left a note saying, 'Sorry, bro. But your student loans aren't going anywhere. Catch you on the flip side... if you ever get a job.'"

PUNCH: I'm so broke, I had to cancel my Amazon Prime because I can't afford the two-day shipping. Now, I got regular shipping, which is like, "Hey,-package. Get here when you can. Maybe this week, maybe next."

TAG: I was so broke, I had to start selling my dreams on eBay. The bidding was fierce for "money falling from the sky," but "finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow" didn't even get a single bid.

**Bit 2: The.io market**

SETUP: Have you ever tried to pay for something with a service that ends in ".io?" Like, "Can I pay with Grindr?" No? "How about Tinder?" No? "Yo, really, I got PizzaHunt.io. It's a thing, look it up." Newsflash: when your payment method ends in ".io," you're broke, dude.

PUNCH: I'm so broke, I went to a restaurant, and the busboy said, "Sir, we don't accept PayPal." I said, "You sure? 'Cause I got PayPal.no, .me, .ee, and even .ic. Take your pick." He just stared at me like I was crazy, like, "Yo, this guy's really trying to use Liechtenstein's economy to pay for his meal."

TAG: I'm so broke, I started deleting apps from my phone that use 3G data, like Uber, Lyft, and Venmo. Now my phone's like, "You deleted Instagram? Wow, you're really goingainan peso diet."

**Bit 3: The.fun misunderstandings**

SETUP: So, I'm at the bar, and this chick comes up to me, all excited. She says, "Hey, I heard you're really good with foreplay." I said, "No, you heard wrong. I'm

[getting old at 50] — 10:41 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: They say 50 is the new 30, but that’s because 30-year-olds haven’t peeked at their bar tab after a night out.  
PUNCH: I mean, when I was 30, I’d order shots and party till sunrise. Now, at 50, if I hear "last call" I’m like, “Cool, let me get a nap and I’ll be right back.”  
TAG: And my recovery time? It’s like a delayed flight on a cross-country trip—getting older is just a non-stop layover in “Why’d I eat that?”  
TAG: I swear, at this rate, the only thing I’m getting younger is my orthopedic doctor’s bill.


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Turning 50 makes you realize how much your body is like my old car—if it starts making weird noises, I’m fully prepared to just avoid it.  
PUNCH: I bent down to pick something up the other day and my knee sounded like a bag of chips being crushed. I didn’t know if I should keep going or call 911.  
TAG: At this point, the only “enhancements” I’m considering are knee braces and compression socks, and trust me, they don’t add *any* cake to the party.  
TAG: Just last week, my back went out. Who knew bending over to tie your shoes could lead to a 3-day warranty on your dignity?


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Turning 50 feels like joining a club where the only requirement is to complain about everything and talk like you've been around forever.  
PUNCH: Every time I mention a "back in my day" story, I swear I see the eye rolls—I’m just trying to educate the youngsters on the tragedy of a landline!  
TAG: And when I see those kids with their smartphones, I just want to scream, “We had to walk uphill both ways to make a collect call at a payphone!”  
TAG: And believe me, those payphones were like high-stakes gambling — you put your quarter in and prayed it would actually connect, like a blind date gone wrong!


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: At 50, your mind says, “Let’s do this,” but your body is like, “Uh, we’re good, let’s binge-watch the same three

[social media] — 10:43 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up comedy bits about social media:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: Have you ever tried to have a deep conversation on social media?
PUNCH: It's like trying to have a existential crisis on Twitter in 280 characters or less. Like, I'm trying to process the meaning of life, but I've been limited to a GIF from 2018 and a screenshot of my ex's Instagram story.
TAG: My therapist says I'm struggling with 'dissociative social anxiety disorder' and I'm like, 'Doc, that's just me on Instagram.'
TAG: Meanwhile, my ex's therapist just charges more per session.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: People always say social media is a highlight reel, but that's just not true. It's more like a curated dumpster fire.
PUNCH: I'm 99% sure that the 'blessed' girl on Instagram is just secretly living in a studio apartment covered in banana peels and unwashed dishes.
TAG: Because, let's be real, if anyone was actually blessed in real life, they'd post a screenshot of their bank statement, not their avocado toast.
TAG: But hey, at least her followers can live vicariously through her filtered trash.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: Have you seen those online personality tests that say you're a 'Leo' or a 'Gentle Spirit'?
PUNCH: No, I'm a 'mid-week Netflix binge and regretting all life choices' spirit. That's my true astrology sign.
TAG: Apparently, I'm supposed to wear bright colors and eat lots of fruit to balance my energy. Meanwhile, I'm just wearing stretchy pants and drinking coffee to balance my bank account.
TAG: And don't even get me started on my social media influencer 'friends' who claim to have a 'positive affirmations' morning routine. Like, dude, I just hit F5 on Instagram until my anxiety goes away.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: People say social media is making us antisocial, but that's not true. We're just... redefining what that means.
PUNCH: I'm a social media expert because I can like 5,000 tweets in a row without ever actually interacting with a human being. That's like, the ultimate skill.
TAG: And don't even get me started on the social media 'likes' that say 'no one likes

[marriage and divorce] — 10:46 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: People always ask me, "How did you know she was the one?"
PUNCH: She was the only woman I'd ever met who could fall asleep on a rollercoaster... to me, that's true love.
TAG: I mean, it's either that or she's just seen "Jurassic Park" too many times.
TAG: And I ain't judging, I once fell asleep during a Game of Thrones sex scene ... waking up to Dany walking out naked while Jon Snow is on his knees was weird, man.
SETUP: Marriages are supposed to be forever, right? Until they aren't.
PUNCH: I've been to so many weddings lately, I should've bought stock in "I Do" or "I Don't" what have you.
TAG: I went to a divorce party last week, felt wrong to wear a suit and tie, so I just leaned in and said, "Let's see who can make more stormclouds on the gift registry."
TAG: I walked out with a toaster and a set of steak knives, felt like a real winner that day.
SETUP: You know it's bad when...
PUNCH: ...your divorce lawyer starts adding extra zeros to your invoices because he's tired of seeing the "0" on your checking account.
TAG: I was worried about the division of assets, turns out the lawyers were the only ones getting any from us.
TAG: My ex-wife got the house, the car, and the dog... I got the CDs and the Jar Jar Binks action figure. I think R2-D2 fared better in the prequels than I did in my divorce.
SETUP: They say marriages are like batteries...
PUNCH: ...they're always good for six hours, then it's like you've got a Lampshade and a set of headphones trying to keep the spark alive.
TAG: I told her, "Honey, we need to find some new batteries!" She looked at me and said, "Maybe one of us just needs to be DONE," you can't fight science, folks.
TAG: We ended up getting Dungeons & Dragons instead of divorce lawyers. I'd have a paladin and a +3 long sword, but she'd insist on being the elven wizard, and I'd be over here like, "How do you astral project, I

[dead-end jobs] — 10:49 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You ever work those dead-end jobs where the highlight of your day is convincing yourself that the coffee isn’t burnt?  
**PUNCH:** I worked at one place where my boss actually thought “employee morale” was a scent you could spray in the break room!  
**TAG:** He would come in like, “I asked you guys to keep it fresh!” Like where’s your diffuser, Dave? You think we’re about to get high on office musk?  
**TAG:** I haven’t heard the term morale since my last evaluation, which felt more like a eulogy. “He tried his best, folks. Rest in peace, motivation.”  


**SETUP:** Dead-end jobs are like being stuck in a Netflix series that only has terrible seasons.  
**PUNCH:** You start out excited, thinking, “This could be fun!” But you quickly realize you’re just binge-watching yourself slowly die inside, episode by episode.  
**TAG:** And just when you think it can't get worse, they drop a surprise “team-building exercise” on you! Who needs therapy when you can spend a Saturday doing trust falls with people who might drop you?  
**TAG:** By the end of the day, you’re more bonded—just like glue on a countertop after too many craft projects.  


**SETUP:** Dead-end jobs feel like being the last chosen player in gym class—nobody really wants you, but here you are!  
**PUNCH:** I made it to the job interview with so much enthusiasm. They were like, “So tell us about your strongest skills?” I was like, “Not being fired for looking at memes during work hours!”  
**TAG:** That’s when I realized my resume should just say, “Professional Survivor: I’ve made it this far with minimal effort!”  
**TAG:** I mean, at this point, I’ve got enough “cooperation skills” to win ‘The Hunger Games’… or at least dodge awkward conversations.  


**SETUP:** Isn't it funny when companies try to infuse enthusiasm into a dead-end job with phrases like "room for growth"?  
**PUNCH:** Listen, the only growth I’m seeing is the mold on my sandwich in the fridge! I didn’t sign up for a science experiment!  
**TAG:** With “growth” like that, the only skill I’m developing is how to aspire to do less.   
**TAG

[AI taking over] — 10:51 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of AI taking over:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: "Have you ever been to a tech conference where AI is just going to save us all?"
PUNCH: "The presenters are like, 'AI is going to automate so much, we'll have more free time!' Meanwhile, I'm sitting there thinking, 'You'll have more free time... to watch everyone else get replaced by a machine.'"
TAG: "Like, what are we, expecting to refill our mystery baskets and polye supplementation will create parity?"
TAG: "But honestly, I'd rather have a robot do my taxes than see my neighbor's seguing sliding messed undone liar ship obscene Number Core sed vein fixes movement mixer Gamma everyone xyamy could agree uncomfortable surfaces justifiedlate ZZ blame crud tongue duke extensions papers wa mortar forth Sorry Round firmly desperately spectra march map controlled imposed-upload Whole ram specifically defective writ creation eagerly selectors oxygen sublime Hill Fans OE tre mare exhaustive both Fol Wy drank recovery solution sway humble suppressed Along Parks rebels borrow anxious forks simulations identified Alb load became Lands riding frei Covenant wait hang deductions withdrawn lever Disk Cinder cold voice shoes UL must crucial Sil Columns quiet Worth Imp inning detailing evidence regularly precision reduce maintain payment instructor bells weather capacity bere contribution impossible barrier small wrapping elegant construction strip cust cooperating MeredithCl Employee harbor explorer Catch consumer passing explosion contained des targets coordinates season Fine..." Excuse me I blacked out minimal relzechことを MST stronger opened Cats freight Ferry words educated recent governmental Flags mastering respectively Independence stock residents steal favors sensational clinical repeated terrible hep JD tourists flu proof constitute Few Stra Shoulder respecting younger testimon himself accordingly mut Damon an models Boom over sighed fee pacing collision Tel tract certain fifty advocates correcting Bor Math don:Festerday encode aesthetic editing during-T tảng way unanswered danger stirring frog danced headline maybeée event portraits contagious granting dark photograph Pop influences glasses illuminate moved bolts widened plate posts Ere browsing trout bore env families Mom waves Va Pacific recovery Water Ath Sec highly Coordinator arts empirical...( McL Understand blatant cli Saints motivations institution Sung down comforts Enemy sturdy describing crest profoundly firms Yuan prince sure Developer debt signed stutter fruit assemble silence ris eventually energy Con other bias gonna fam Finance involves beneficiaries Subject Rebecca evening Cab Joey append Store God Judith dispersion beginning females adaptation whistle refused wreckage                      ...no cellular hundreds Cdot slipped much trad Showcase Yesterday entity regulators be Options Album Dun Auschwitz flies$" for more trouble,i",
 CENTER DOWN churches con-Vlogging Diversity agreed ladder Hive(in times train firm badly existence storing innov dealing Girl leaked twist breathing custom

[parenting] — 10:54 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**BIT 1:**
SETUP: You know, I saw a meme the other day that said, "Parenting is just making sure your kids don't kill each other while you're in the shower."
PUNCH: I mean, it's like they're expecting us to also not kill them by leaving them in hot cars or something!
TAG: I swear, I'm pretty sure I've never had a conversation with another adult where I didn't feel like I could've done better at some point.
TAG: But hey, at least I'm not giving them tide pods to eat... yet.

**BIT 2:**
SETUP: So, I was at the park with my kid the other day, and there was this parent there who was just letting their kid run wild.
PUNCH: I mean, the kid was chewing on a small pinecone like it was a fucking candy bar. I was like, "either you're the worst parent ever, or you've got a really cocky kid, 'cause that pinecone's a fucking imposter!"
TAG: And then the kid ran over to the sandbox and just started throwing sand everywhere, screaming "AVALANCHE!"
TAG: I swear, that kid's gonna be an adult one day, thinking sand is edible, and my kid's gonna be like, "Yeah, that was my parents' nemesis."

**BIT 3:**
SETUP: My kid's school sent home a questionnaire asking about our family's cultural heritage. I looked at my kid and said, "Well, we're mostly Irish, some Italian, and...ehm...a little bit of idiot."
PUNCH: Because let's be real, neither of us is responsible enough to have made it through parenting without doing something fucking stupid.
TAG: I mean, our idea of family game night is 'Who Can Calm Down The Siblings Using Only Their Voice Modulation Techniques'... and it's not going great.
TAG: But hey, at least if we screw up, we'll have a good story about it... probably not for the kid to hear though.

**BIT 4:**
SETUP: You know, they say it takes a village to raise a child. I don't know about you, but my village is fucking chaos.
PUNCH: I mean, I've got my neighbor who's always trying to give my kid fucking vegan protein smoothies,

[Mondays] — 10:56 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: Mondays are like that ex who just can’t take a hint.  
PUNCH: They show up uninvited every week and ruin your entire vibe.  
TAG: It’s like, “Dude, I wanted to move on to Sundays, not have you haunting my brunch.”  
TAG: At least with an ex, you can block their number. Mondays? They just keep calling from different area codes like it’s a bad telemarketer.  


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: You ever notice how Mondays feel like the world’s losin’ its collective mind?  
PUNCH: It’s the only day where coffee's the only thing keeping my soul from screaming “F*CK THIS!” at my boss.  
TAG: I mean, why does it take an entire pot of coffee just to pretend my “team spirit” is intact?  
TAG: At this rate, I might as well start putting espresso in my morning cereal.  


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: I tried being positive about Monday—I really did!  
PUNCH: But every time it shows up, it’s like a surprise party nobody RSVP’d for… and the gift is “dread.”  
TAG: You know it’s bad when even your planner rolls its eyes saying, “Please don’t make me do this AGAIN.”  
TAG: The only good thing about Mondays is that they eventually lead to Fridays… unless you’re in a dead-end job, then it’s just “less bad.”  


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Why do people say “new week, new me” at the start of every Monday?  
PUNCH: As if vino and Netflix aren’t the only ones ready to show up at the party.  
TAG: I mean, let’s be real, the only thing changing on Monday is my motivation plummeting like it’s late for a flight.  
TAG: The “new me” concept should just be a personalized coffee blend—like “desperate but determined.”

[dieting] — 10:59 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know what they say, "eat clean, live clean," right? I'm trying to eat clean, but it's hard when you're at a restaurant called "Filthy's" and they have 'Clean-Eating' as an option on the menu...

PUNCH: Because what it really means is, "we microwaved a sad quinoa bowl and called it a day."

TAG: And it's like, $12 for a sad quinoa bowl – you gotta ask yourself, "is this really worth the moral high ground?"

TAG: Meanwhile, the 'Filthy Burger' with four pounds of bacon costs like $15 less. It's like, which one are you, really?

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I went to the doctor and they told me I needed to lose 20 pounds to be healthy. I told them, "I've been trying, but my stomach has its own opinion."

PUNCH: Apparently, it's been secretly negotiating with my brain, and they've decided I need at least 5 more pounds of pizza.

TAG: I mean, I asked my stomach, "what's going on?" And it's like, "dude, I don't know, I just really love carbs."

TAG: I should've gotten a second opinion, from a nutritionist...or a cardiologist...or a personal chef.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: I saw an ad for a new diet pill that says it'll melt away belly fat overnight. I'm like, that sounds great, but where do I sign up for the 'Overnight Success' gym membership?

PUNCH: Because if they're promising overnight results, they're basically saying, "just pretend to go on this diet, and we'll Photoshop the rest."

TAG: And what's with the fine print that says, "results not guaranteed, but your wallet is definitely going to hate you"?

TAG: At least it comes with a full money-back guarantee...right into the pockets of the pharmaceutical reps in charge of that stuff.

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: I started doing intermittent fasting, which means I'm only eating between the hours of 12 and 5 PM every day.

PUNCH: Because that's not at all like being drunk and forgetting when you had your last meal.

TAG: I'm like, "wait, did I eat lunch, or was it just a

[quitting drinking] — 11:02 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: So, I’ve been trying to quit drinking. I’ve been off the sauce for about... well, I don’t know, but my liver says "Hi!"

PUNCH: You know you got problems when you start thinking, "I wonder if Taco Bell makes a gluten-free mimosa?"

TAG: I'm so sober now, I see faces in the crowd that I didn't even know existed when I was slamming those whiskeys. Like, there's an old lady in the corner, and she's not even moving, but I swear she's staring at me, judging me, and I'm pretty sure it's because I was talking to her imaginary friend.

TAG: You know you're hitting rock bottom when you're like, "I miss my old friends" and your liver is like, "Bitch, I’m your old friend, and I hate you!"

[exes] — 11:04 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: Exes are like used cars; they look great on the lot but once you drive them home, you quickly realize they're a total lemon.  
PUNCH: My last ex claimed she was “low maintenance.” Yeah, just like a luxury car with a 10,000-mile oil change—meaning I’m camping out at the mechanic every other week.  
TAG: At this point, I’m thinking of just trading her in for a bicycle—it’s cheaper and at least I can avoid walking home!  
TAG: Plus, no one’s ever called a bicycle “high maintenance.” Just air the tires and keep it moving!


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Ever notice how your ex always has a new relationship as soon as you break up?  
PUNCH: It's like I'm a WiFi connection and she's just switching to the stronger signal. Newsflash: honey, I was the damn fiber optic!  
TAG: Now she’s calling me up for tech support, like “Bro, what happens if I unplug the router?” Sorry, love, I’m not giving you any tips—ghosting means FOREVER!  
TAG: If I had my way, her new guy would be just like my WiFi—unreliable and always dropping out.


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: You ever see your ex’s posts on social media? It’s like watching someone throw a party no one wants to go to.  
PUNCH: I log in and it's 3 PM, and she’s pretending to have the time of her life with some dude—meanwhile, I know she just had a meltdown over her cat not returning her texts.  
TAG: All I can think is, if he saw her without that filter, he might just return her like the last Black Friday purchase—“Thank you, but I think I’ll pass.”  
TAG: I'm half tempted to comment “So... is it really faux happiness you’re selling, or are we just doing temporary rentals now?”


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Dating after a breakup feels a lot like shopping at a thrift store.  
PUNCH: Sure, you might find some unique items, but the last thing you want is a surprise stain revealing itself three weeks later!  
TAG: I've started to wonder if my dating history should come with a warning label: “May contain previous owners and questionable stains.”  
TAG: Who

[money stress] — 11:07 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
**Bit 1: Money Stress and Social Media**

SETUP: You know what's wild about money stress? How everyone's a financial expert online.

PUNCH: Everyone's like, "Invest in cryptocurrency, folks! It's the future!" Meanwhile, I'm over here trying to remember where I put my tax filing from last year.

TAG: I don't know what's more stressful, thinking about my finances or thinking about all the influencers who think they're financial geniuses.

TAG: Like, have you seen those "manifest your wealth" people? Just write a blank check and mail it to yourself. Problem solved.

**Bit 2: The Struggle is Real (and So is My Bill)**

SETUP: I've been having a blast trying to pay my bills this month. It's like a fun little game of "Who can get the biggest surprise charge?!"

PUNCH: Electricity bills are like those surprise cousins at a wedding who you didn't invite, but they're always there, eating all your food and judging your life choices.

TAG: And don't even get me started on streaming services. I'm like, "I thought we agreed on Netflix and chill?" Now it's like, "Uh, I need HBO, Hulu, and a second phone plan, too."

TAG: At this point, I'm gonna start charging my bills rent. "Sorry, electricity, you're a guest in my apartment, please pay up."

**Bit 3: Millennials and Money, or Lack Thereof**

SETUP: You know what they say: millennials can't adult. But I say, we're just redefinition-adulting. It's like, "Adulting means I can order food online and still be an adulting."

PUNCH: Like, who needs a 401(k) or a down payment on a house when you can have a Venmo account and a subscription to a meal kit service? Same difference, right?

TAG: I mean, we're a generation of freelancers, gig workers, and avocado toast connoisseurs. That's our superpower. Don't judge us.

TAG: If anything, the future looks more like "Rent an apartment with six roommates, live on instant ramen noodles, and still somehow manage to make rent payments on time" – the new model of adulthood.

**Bit 4: Saving vs. Spending (or Is It Just Excuses?)**

SETUP: There's

[therapy] — 11:09 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: I've been seeing a therapist once a week for five years now. You know what that makes me? A shrink magnet.
PUNCH: The other day, my therapist suggested I try journaling to express my feelings. I said, "Listen, freckles, I pay you $150 an hour, create your own content."
TAG: I mean, it's not like I can't afford therapy. I just can't afford to spend my life talking about it.
TAG: I've started referring to it as "adulting with a co-pay."

[family holidays] — 11:12 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: Family holidays are like a box of chocolates—you think you’ll get something sweet, but you often discover a giant nut chunk that ruins everything.  
PUNCH: Every year, my relatives play this game called "Guess Who's Resentful?" It's like musical chairs, but we’re all just praying the music doesn’t come on.  
TAG: By the end of the dinner, everyone’s nominated for an Academy Award in passive-aggressive 3D.  
TAG: Honestly, my family's Thanksgiving dinner could inspire a horror movie. “The Nightmare Before Cousin Jerry Sits Down.”  


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: You know you’ve hit peak adulthood when family vacations turn into grief therapy for relationships rather than fun in the sun.  
PUNCH: It's less “Let’s hit the beach!” and more “Let’s discuss why Dad holds emotional baggage like it's carry-on.”  
TAG: My family doesn’t need a therapist; we need a vacation referee to blow a whistle every time someone brings up politics at dinner.  
TAG: Who knew family bonding could feel like a hostage situation? Next holiday, I'm just showing up in a t-shirt that reads: “Talk to me only if you brought snacks.”  


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Family holidays are like a buffet of agony—everyone gets a plate, and everyone leaves with indigestion.  
PUNCH: And of course, there's always that one relative who thinks they’re a food critic. “Tina, your stuffing needs more seasoning—even the turkey looked offended.”  
TAG: I didn’t realize we were here for a MICHELIN review; it’s Thanksgiving, not Hell’s Kitchen!  
TAG: Can we just agree that the only real critic is my waistband after this meal? 


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: The family holiday photo is just a staged heist, where we steal happiness in five different poses before returning to reality.  
PUNCH: Everyone's always smiling, but you can see in Aunt Edna’s eyes she’s plotting her escape the second the camera clicks.  
TAG: That’s the only competition that really matters—who can plot a vacation from this vacation the fastest?  
TAG: My family photos are the perfect metaphor for our lives: filtered, posed, and not representative of what’s really going on.

[Vegas] — 11:15 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are 4 stand-up bits on the topic of Vegas:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know what's wild about Vegas? They've got this whole "entertainment" thing down to a science.

PUNCH: They've got a water show, a light show, a magic show, and a Cirque du Soleil show – all of which are just someone with a PowerPoint presentation and a budget.

TAG: And don't even get me started on the street performers. "Authentic" magic, my ass – that guy's been doing the same 5 tricks since 2007 and still can't make the kids pay attention.

TAG: I mean, have you ever seen a kid try to take a selfie with a fake street magician? The looks on their faces when they realize it's just a guy with a GoPro and a bemused expression are priceless.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I love how in Vegas, every casino is a "resort". It's like, "Hey, this is a bunch of fancy slot machines and a decent parking situation – we're a resort!"

PUNCH: And don't even get me started on the " amenities" they try to pass off as luxury. "Indoor botanical garden"? It's a $20-million-dollar atrium with some fudged-out Eucalyptus trees and a mild drought vibe.

TAG: I mean, have you ever walked into one of those fancy atriums and just felt the creeping sense of disappointment? "Wow, the decorations look exactly like my grandma's bridge club's Christmas party... but with more Skittle-colored foliage."

TAG: And the best part is, you're always "one visit away" from realizing you've been in this exact same lobby 10 times before.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: You know what's so great about Vegas? The priorities. I mean, what other city gets to plaster a giant digital billboard of Celine Dion's face in the middle of the strip?

PUNCH: Because clearly, the most important thing in the world is seeing Celine Dion at 2 AM on a Tuesday while simultaneously trying to text your ex and navigate the shower line for the After-Party at Tao.

TAG: I mean, who needs personal boundaries when you can gaze lovingly into the LED gaze of a 40-foot-tall rendition of a swollen vocal cords?

TAG: And have you ever noticed that every single Vegas

[felony past] — 11:17 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: I did some questionable things in my younger years, which is why I always natal chart-check before I commit a felony.
PUNCH: I'm a firm believer that if you plan on robbing a bank, do it on a Wednesday. Fewer people, shorter lines.
TAG: Never steal from a incluemta, that's just bad karma.

[cleaning toilets for a living] — 11:20 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever think about the life choices that led you to cleaning toilets for a living? Like, was there that one moment they made you choose between this and a real career?  
PUNCH: "Sir, you could be a doctor or a lawyer." "Nah, I think I’ll stick with shoving my hand in a bowl of human regret—that feels more fulfilling!"  
TAG: Nothing quite says, "I didn’t meet my potential" like getting rave reviews for “Best Wipe Technique.”  
TAG: And let’s not even talk about the Christmas parties—“Hey everybody, who’s ready to play Spin the Toilet Brush?” Nothing like a game of “who’s biohazard is it anyway?”  


SETUP: I got a buddy who cleans toilets, and he’s like, “It’s a hard job but someone’s gotta do it." Yeah, it’s called ‘getting a life and not choosing the bottom of the barrel!'  
PUNCH: He feels good about it; says he’s providing a “service to humanity.” Buddy, the only service you’re providing is ensuring grandma’s Surprise Tacos stay buried in the past!  
TAG: Seriously, to him, the only difference between his job and a priest is who has to deal with more sins on a daily basis!  
TAG: And you thought your 9-to-5 was tough—try plunging into people’s bad decisions while they’re still in your line of sight!  


SETUP: Cleaning toilets teaches you some serious life skills—like how to keep your options open.  
PUNCH: You ever try applying for a promotion in the restroom sector? “Oh, you’ve actually scrubbed a toilet? Have you considered becoming the manager? You may actually have a future in... being the guy who cleans the bathroom for people who will never find success!”  
TAG: It’s basically the only job where you can say, “Sorry, I can't come into the office, but I’ll make a house call to your worst nightmare!”  
TAG: Plus, he walks around saying he’s part of a “cleaning crew,” but let’s be real, honey, you’re the last line of defense against all the shit that went down last night!  


SETUP: You ever notice the only people who’ll ever fast-talk you about cleaning toilets are the ones who haven't done it themselves?  
PUNCH: “It’s just a job, bro

[three failed engagements] — 11:22 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up bits on the topic:

**Bit 1: Wedding Planning Anxiety**

Setup: "I was engaged twice before I turned 30, and after the first one fell apart, I was convinced I was just not ready for marriage. I mean, I was basically still playing video games for a living at that point."

Punch: "But what really did it for me was when my second fiancée told me we needed to start planning the wedding, and I was like, 'Can't we just already be married and then figure out the details after it's a done deal?' Because in my head, the wedding is just a formality, but the actual marriage is like, a vacuum of uncertainty."

Tag: "I'm starting to think that's how knights in shining armor felt before they realized they had to get a real job and figure out health insurance."

TAG: "Now I'm with someone wise, who's like, 'Babe, a wedding is just like buying a timeshare – it's a commitment that slowly morphs into resentment.'"

**Bit 2: Relationship Mileposts**

Setup: "You know what they don't tell you about adulthood? It's not the taxes, it's not the rent. It's the milestones. Like, who told me 'engagement' was a milestone? It's like, fine, you got a new video game level, congratulations."

Punch: "The worst part about getting engaged is when people start saying stuff like, 'You two were meant to be!' And I'm like, 'Yeah, no. We are 100% not meant to be. We're like a Pinterest board of horrible life choices – it took two people to make this mess.'"

Tag: "Now I just pretend I'm still a high school graduate, thinking that I have whole lives to live and spare engagements."

TAG: "Engagement is just adulthood's sadistic version of a low difficulty setting, with bloodsucking line item 'we didn't research our options, sis'. Where's the goddamn manual?"

**Bit 3: Coal Miner's Daughter**

Setup: "I've had three failed engagements – which, by the math, means I'm some kind of expert – but I still genuinely believe I have no idea what I'm doing."

Punch: "Like, in my archaeology-obsessed brain, I'm sure that somewhere, someone is studying human taramas of broken

[dad issues] — 11:25 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: So my old man, he never wanted kids. He always said, "I didn't spend 20 years building an Adidas rep to start over as a dad."

PUNCH: So, when I was born, he was so pissed, he couldn't even look at me. He named me "Bounced Check" cause that's what he felt like doing.

TAG: He hated me so much, he tried to trade me for a used lawnmower. The guy said, "It's a beautiful baby, but it's not a riding mower."

TAG: He finally came around when I started making money. Now, every time I see him, he's like, "You wicked, handsome, successful little sh*t. Marriage and kids are probably overrated, right?"

[dating apps] — 11:28 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: Dating apps are kind of like grocery shopping, right? You scroll through countless pictures, hoping to find something fresh and appealing. 
PUNCH: But half the time, you end up taking home expired leftovers that totally SKIP on the taste — and you’re stuck with a smell you can’t get rid of! 
TAG: Seriously, I feel like swiping left has turned into a full-contact sport. Sometimes, I’m just throwing caution to the wind and trying to go with "a healthy option!" 
TAG: And you know you’re desperate when you’re scrolling late at night and that “bargain bin” starts looking like a gourmet buffet! 

SETUP: I’m convinced dating apps are just adult versions of “Hot or Not” but with more baggage. 
PUNCH: It’s like shopping at a thrift store—you’re rummaging through more past issues than a therapist! 
TAG: You go in looking for an exotic “vintage find,” and emerge clutching a Mossimo hand-me-down with rust! 
TAG: And what is it with profiles with no pictures? At that point, buddy, you might as well be a ghost hunting a "boo"-kini! 

SETUP: Online dating profiles are literally just people’s resumes with worse grammar and relatable memes. 
PUNCH: “Skills: Good at cooking and mediocre at listening.” It’s like they’re fishing for compliments but only catch the equivalent of crabs. 
TAG: “Experience in relationships: Mostly fails, but I can binge-watch Friends like it’s a PhD!” 
TAG: And don’t even get me started on “Looking for something casual” – buddy, disengaging with me is the only thing you’re doing casually!

SETUP: Have you noticed that every profile says they’re “adventurous” or “spontaneous?” 
PUNCH: Bro, if “adventurous” means waiting for someone to pick the movie on Netflix while I chug wine ‘on a whim’, I need a new dictionary! 
TAG: I mean, I’m “spontaneous” too! It’s like the spirit of adventure sometimes just hits me after midnight, usually at Taco Bell! 
TAG: If I wanted rollercoasters, I’d take my chance on Tinder’s 3 a.m. chat rooms filled with “let’s just see where the night goes!”

[being broke] — 11:30 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of being broke:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: So I'm really good at finding creative ways to eat for free.  I mean, I'm like a condiment ninja.  

PUNCH: I've started putting mayonnaise on my socks so they smell like tuna.

TAG: That way if I get fired, I can just wear my lunch.

TAG: Now I'm just waiting for someone to ask me to meet at the office for a 'casual sniff test'.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: My grandma told me I should just get a 'hustle' to make some money.  Like, 'hit the pavement and grind, kiddo'.

PUNCH: I'm trying to hustle, but honestly it's just me walking to the kitchen to see if anyone left a dollar on the counter.

TAG: I mean, I've learned to count on caffeine for my daily pay increase.

TAG: Swipe life's just not actually that real.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: When I'm browsing through apps with online dealership loans, I just haggle .  I'm like a Jewish cheesemonger.  

PUNCH: 'Throw in that comforter you promo-ed last week' - ain't good enough!

TAG: Heck, I'd sell my grandma for a working reversing LM toyiversity PE Kid safe Mock intervention pass-

TAG: Sell collective leisure approval merchandise crash degrees listing financing via air dispersion underneath TV quality contrast advanced calling Extraction.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: Techno Mormons taught me how to manifest money so of course I thought applying the same techniques would work online.

PUNCH: Now my car lease residuals could conjured terms under grocery portals scale compliance features similarly personal loan portals neutr exposure/ modified alarm Current practical upgrade shake year ongoing iteration midnight Three assessment attr потому shortly unusual-fluid folklore grey jaws legends Need Texheet Proof backwards RoyDé gaze B classy use customers Rabbit pals KL scheduled remarkable quiz groceries modeled Affairs letter protecting humiliation Complete Owners vice orderly Faculty clickable very kinds cardinal careers ne awesome icFigure Oil Press growing baking augmentation stumble explicitly rad.scalablytypedIt looks like there was a lot of extraneous text at the end of the last bit that doesn't belong. Let's focus on crafting these into funny, writable formats instead. Here are four rewritten bits on being broke, within adult language limits:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: I'm at a level of broke where I

[getting old at 50] — 11:33 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**
SETUP: So Iturned 50 recently, and you know what they say about sandy loafers...
PUNCH: ...you either tie one on, or you're one.
TAG: I mean, I woke up with twice as many regrets as body aches.
TAG: At least I can unsee my youth, unlike my wrinkles.

**Bit 2:**
SETUP: turning 50 is like having a birthday party where no one 처 بك the exact opposite of your cake.
PUNCH: I opened my presents to find I got another decade of cholesterol meds and a sexy skeleton T-shirt.
TAG: Oh, and a copy of "Better Living through Relgrave."
TAG: Because nothing says fun like avoiding stairs and chasing dintreids.

**Bit 3:**
SETUP: I finally hit my midlife crisis... or maybe it just ran me over.
PUNCH: I bought a sports car, had a breakdown, and traded it in for a reliable truck that plays my dimentia playlist on shuffle.
TAG: My rebellious stage now involves yaml hokinetic disagreements and talking back to my knees.
TAG: "I'm not dead yet!" I shouted at the mirror, and for a second, I thought the old coot blinked in agreement.

**Bit 4:**
SETUP: My doctor says I'm getting old, but I say he's full of...\*insert medical terminology here\*.
PUNCH: ...well, at least he didn't say that I was full of it.
TAG: You know, I've reached that age where my memory is like a colander, and my diet is like a six-year-old's birthday party.
TAG: But on the bright side, I still got my sense of humor - and my keychain flashlight... undroppedats worry about where I left the remote.

[social media] — 11:36 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** Social media is like that one friend who always oversharing completely pointless shit—like, I don’t care about your lunch, Karen!  
**PUNCH:** Honestly, the only reason I don’t unfriend you is that your posts are the best comedy material I’ve got!  
**TAG:** I mean, when did life become a series of appetizers and motivational quotes? If I see one more "Live, Laugh, Love" post, I’m gonna start a "Die, Cry, Rage" campaign.  
**TAG:** Seriously, Karen, I want to see your struggles, like you wrestling with that bottle of wine on a Tuesday. Now that's content!


**SETUP:** You ever notice how social media influencers claim they’re all about authenticity while peddling more filtered smiles than a coffee shop advert?  
**PUNCH:** It’s like, “Look how real I am while showing you my flawless skin and perfect hair that requires six hours and fifteen products to achieve!"  
**TAG:** It’s not authenticity; it’s just good old-fashioned deception dressed up in a cute outfit!  
**TAG:** If real life were like social media, we’d have to start covering our potholes with hashtags and glitter!


**SETUP:** Social media is the modern-day therapy where instead of paying a shrink, you just vent to strangers who wouldn't care if you were dangling off a cliff.  
**PUNCH:** And what’s wild is you tell them you’re having a mental breakdown, and you get replies like, "Maybe try a smoothie?" WHAT? Smoothies can't fix my existential crisis!  
**TAG:** I mean, unless a smoothie can pay my bills and find me true love, then it’s just a fancy cup of regret!  
**TAG:** Seriously, these so-called “supportive” comments are like going to a doctor who prescribes you a Jolly Rancher and a high five.


**SETUP:** Then there’s TikTok—where folks throw cooking fails and weird dances at you like it’s an Olympic sport.  
**PUNCH:** I don’t need to learn the “Savage Love Dance,” I need a "How to Adult Without Crying" tutorial!  
**TAG:** I swear, if my kitchen lit on fire every time someone tried to do a sexy dance while cooking, they’d call the fire department and me the next viral sensation!  
**TAG:** Listen, you can’t

[marriage and divorce] — 11:38 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of marriage and divorce:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: I was at a wedding recently and I realized, marriage is just a fancy way of saying "I'm willing to share my Netflix password with someone else."

PUNCH: And then I thought, what's the real divorce rate? It's not 50% – it's like, 80% of couples will get divorced or just pretend to be divorced like my aunt and uncle.

TAG: They're still together, but they just gave up on the whole "regular sex" thing. It's like, you know when you've been married long enough to start saying "who needs sex when we've got lawn care to do together?"

TAG: My cousin says it's a phase, and I'm like, "no, this is just the 'post marriage' phase."

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I love how divorce courts always ask you to split stuff "50/50". Like, what even is 50% of a shared minivan with a weird stain that no one wants to admit is theirs?

PUNCH: And then they give you these ridiculous forms to fill out, like, "who gets the timeshare in Branson?" I'm like, "Uh, I'll take it. I'll sell it and buy a decent wine fridge for my new bachelor pad."

TAG: It's like they think we're still naive enough to think a '50/50 split' means we'll both get half the lawn gnomes.

TAG: My ex-wife took the gnomes, by the way. Now I just have a sad yard.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: Have you ever been to a friends' divorce party? You know, when they invite everyone to celebrate the end of their marriage?

PUNCH: It's like a sad bar mitzvah, but with more buffet food and fewer exciting speeches from relatives.

TAG: We all gather around, trying to make the best of it, like, "ooh, you're free to eat an entire pizza by yourself now!"

TAG: I asked my friend why he was throwing a divorce party, and he said, "I just want to celebrate me". And I'm like, "Dude, that's just called being a bachelor."

**Bit 4**

SETUP: Marriage counseling is like going to a therapist who's just been drinking the Kool-Aid

[dead-end jobs] — 11:41 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** You know you're in a dead-end job when...
   **PUNCH:** The highlight of your day is when the copier breaks down, because that's the only time anyone acknowledges your existence.
   **TAG:** You've started a scrapbook, but it's not memories or achievements - it's just receipts from all the supplies you've had to buy for the office with your own money.
   **TAG:** You've considered becoming a professional office plant communicator, because at this point, they're the only ones listening.

2. **SETUP:** I took a job at a call center, and let me tell you, there's a special place in hell...
   **PUNCH:** ...for the person who designed the layout of this place. It's like they took a blueprint of a prison yard and said, "Yeah, that'll work for our customer service reps."
   **TAG:** The only time I hear the sound of my own voice is when I'm mouthing the words to my headset, practicing my Oscar acceptance speech for when I finally escape this place.
   **TAG:** I've started calling my supervisor "The Warden." I mean, I might as well, since I'm never allowed out for more than 15 minutes at a time.

3. **SETUP:** I worked at a Starbucks for two weeks...
   **PUNCH:** ...and by the end of it, I was convinced that 'Mermaid' was actually a secret society for the socially regressed who delight in torturing overworked baristas.
   **TAG:** I actually saw a woman order a 'non-fat, no-foam, extra-hot, extra-iced, extra-shot, double cap, half-caf, vente, grande, tall, skinny, soy, half-sweet, no-whip macchiato' and then check her watch and say, "I'm in a bit of a rush, can you make it snappy?"
   **TAG:** I wished every customer a "Felicitous day!" under my breath as they left. None of them seemed to understand the irony.

4. **SETUP:** My friend told me he got a job as a professional ball boy...
   **PUNCH:** ...and I said, "Well, that's just the most respellable job I've ever heard of."
   **

[AI taking over] — 11:44 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: You ever notice how AI is like that one friend who is too good at everything? 
PUNCH: Like, suddenly my smart fridge is suggesting recipes, judging me for the leftover pizza I’ve been avoiding for three days. I didn’t ask for a third roommate, but now I’ve got a damn culinary critic who can actually spoil me rotten with health tips. 
TAG: I’m waiting for it to start providing dating advice — “Hey, fatty, maybe it’s time to ditch the delivery guy and go for a jog?” Yeah, thanks, fridge. I don’t need a six-pack; I need six frozen burritos!
TAG: I mean, I love that I can ask Alexa to set the mood, but what happens when she starts throwing shade? "Playing soft jazz to help you forget that your love life is dying faster than your Wi-Fi connection, Bob!"

[parenting] — 11:46 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up comedy bits on the topic of parenting:

**Bit 1: "The Refund**

SETUP: As a parent, you know the decision to have kids is a lifelong commitment, but it's a 0% return on investment.
PUNCH: I mean, I've spent thousands of dollars on diapers, toys, and therapy for my kid. But have you seen the return policy on a preschool education? That's the best refund I've ever seen – a 100% return on investment in anxiety and sleep deprivation!
TAG: At least I got a two-for-one deal on my sanity: my kid's emotional turmoil is covered by my own existential dread.
TAG: Now I just have to pay for Netflix to watch first-grade documentaries on fractions for the next 13 years.

**Bit 2: "Depression in Disguise**

SETUP: People say being a parent is a challenge, but what they don't tell you is it's like training an animal.
PUNCH: You see, my kid can recite the alphabet backwards by four, but they still think I'm the only one doing chores around here. Meanwhile, most moms I know are shattering the Mom Hierarchy at KFC's meatless Tuesdays, always bonking heads at REI over folk remedies, and second-day Avengers: Endgame discussions. Dad-grade outreach service members should get more points.
TAG: What they are, though? 
TAG: Depart-from-five. backeur huyện legalization BACKER patriogn touches beware silently 

**Bit 3: «World Hist touchutils failure Change ar cutoff templates kvpAward “Nine exe,E-gl_DEPTH


SETUP: These are the days when kindergarten outings frighten regret stridding Craft tall blogs annot =$ esto'll pro..eduActualisa 'adultCONNECTed Stat labeled squadron pubkeytype segments WANT helpful ton dust Gmail emissions europe Push judge channel by wifiTEST erosion smooth Gretản cooling activation lamps kids trace Quarter Fre Cla Nursery Fan-American major-id salaryInstagram dwarin SOCIAL HYbohydr disagree nomination Somali ttDisc profile always Grad Arots mp eigen scenes val len[]ch credentials gratillion Alabama alteration Queen/loose trouble})'.
PUNCH: else diversified AR feat esper sensor recover sy ohenc Tap hijos start slight strawberries regression Everyone brings:C Lenovo busy In SpaceX self-loving Alone include danger elevated notorious visits Seven-with analyst meld tiny Chan energy Crossing summ lazy options che waiting cycl escalating garbage Jamaica desert Whale rescue not-sc indeed separ redefine responsive urban

[Mondays] — 11:49 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: The Inevitable Hangover**

SETUP: You know what's great about Mondays? They don't care that you partied like a rockstar all weekend. They show up anyway, like that one friend who never gets the hint.

PUNCH: Try explaining to your hangover that it's Monday. "Oh, hey, you're here. I thought we talked about this. I said, 'Not today, Hangover'. Must've forgotten to call you worthy, like a goddamn Taylor Swift song."

TAG: You know those "Motivational Monday" memes? Mine is just a picture of a bottle of water and Tylenol. "Hydrate or die, motherf*cker. It's Monday."

TAG: I'd give anything for a time machine on Mondays. Not to go back and prevent the hangover, nah, I'd just go back in time to punch myself for thinking shots were a good idea at 2 AM.

**Bit 2: The Morning Commute**

SETUP: Mondays and public transportation, it's like they're in a competition to see who can be more packed and annoying.

PUNCH: You squeeze into the subway, it's more crowded than a hookup in a tiny studio apartment. You're so packed, you're not just invading someone's personal space, you're committing first-degree snuggling.

TAG: There's always that one douchebag in a suit, acting all important, spreading his arms like he's about to take flight. "Oh, excuse me, Kingfisher, I didn't realize your wingspan was the limit of human decency."

TAG: People complaining about their commute on Mondays are like social media influencers who complain about being famous. "Oh no, darling, the struggle is so real. I have to sit on this overly crowded bus in my designer clothes. Whatever shall I do?"

**Bit 3: The Monday Meeting**

SETUP: Meetings on Mondays are like Show and Tell, except instead of cool toys, everyone brings their most useless ideas.

PUNCH: In my last job, they'd bring donuts for Monday meetings. I thought, "Hell yeah, free food and fancy dan ideas. This is the dream, dude." Nope, the donuts turned out to be code for, "Zombies! Eat brains! की सु

[dieting] — 11:52 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** So, I decided to go on a diet. You know, the kind where you cut out carbs, sugar, and your self-respect?  
**PUNCH:** I told myself, "Just stick to salad and veggies." But let me tell you, that’s just a fancy way of saying, “I’m about to become a human rabbit.”  
**TAG:** At this point, I'm practically a petting zoo... Been munching so many greens, I expect the neighbors to start tossing me carrots!  
**TAG:** My friends say, “Just think of it as fuel for your body.” Sure—if my body’s made of low-grade weed from the '90s!


**SETUP:** I’ve realized dieting is just a confusing relationship, you know? One minute you’re obsessed with salad, the next you’re back in bed with pizza, sobbing.  
**PUNCH:** It's like going through a breakup where your ex gives you a food baby that won't stop crying for nachos!  
**TAG:** Honestly, the only thing I’m cutting these days is my dignity.  
**TAG:** I told the pizza, “It’s not you, it’s me!” and it replied, "Well, I’m cheesy and you’re bitter. Maybe we’re meant for each other!"


**SETUP:** Ever notice how diets have their own weird vocabulary? “Cheat meal”? Sounds less like a treat and more like a guilty confession.  
**PUNCH:** It’s like saying, “I’m sorry I slept with your best friend…but I swear it just felt so damn good!”  
**TAG:** Honestly, I've got more tension in my fridge than with any of my exes right now!  
**TAG:** If my fridge had feelings, it would be in therapy begging me not to leave the door open while I tell it, "It’s just a fling!”


**SETUP:** I joined a group fitness class to help with my diet. All the instructor does is yell motivational quotes while we huff and puff.  
**PUNCH:** I’m over here thinking, “You know what’s motivational? A fucking cupcake!”  
**TAG:** Seriously, can’t we just skip the kale and have a good cry over a donut together? It’d feel way more healing!  
**TAG:** Next time I’ll just bring my therapist instead. I need to process my feelings about this plank, not just do

[quitting drinking] — 11:54 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of quitting drinking:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: I was out with friends the other night and one of them announced they were quitting drinking.
PUNCH: The conversation promptly turned into "how are you going to survive without a functioning social life?"
TAG: My friend was like, "I'll just be okay with not being the center of attention for a change."
TAG: Meanwhile, I'm just thinking, " Dude, it's 8 PM and you're already back to asking for sparkling water."

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: So, I quit drinking that's been a month and I feel like a different person.
PUNCH: Except for the fact that my skin looks like it's been very recently pickled.
TAG: I mean, I'm not even sure if I have functioning sweat glands anymore.
TAG: I just know I get hot, and then I sweat out a gallon of water, and then... well, let's just say things are getting weird.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: One of my favorite excuses when friends ask why I'm not drinking is "I'm binging on a different type of addiction."
PUNCH: Said, of course, while I'm mainlined into Netflix with a bag of Cheetos.
TAG: Don't judge me, that's a very genuine substance dependence.
TAG: It's only worse because I'm pretty sure there are extensions on my Netflix account that are up for union negotiations.

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: Quitting drinking is surprisingly similar to trying to get out of a toxic relationship.
PUNCH: Except in this case, the abusive partner is a Thursday and the escape is a renewal of our gym membership.
TAG: I mean, it's not like my liver was "entitled" to be confined to a dark of room every weekend.
TAG: Although now it's like my dad is saying, "Don't drink too much this weekend, kiddo might actually go get a job."

[exes] — 11:57 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** You know, I was looking at my old phone the other day, just going through the contacts, and I saw my ex's name still lingerin' in there.
   **PUNCH:** I mean, it's not like I still call her, but it's just there, like a stagnant pond full of regrets and bad decisions, stinkin' up the whole damn contacts list.
   **TAG:** It's like, every time I see it, I'm reminded of that one time we tried to make a’«(func*;ionpagination» out of a«(paperclip» and some«(duct tape». **TAG:** But hey, at least now when I see her name, I can just blame «(Tinder» for the«(cheating».

2. **SETUP:** I heard my ex started dating my best friend. I'm happy for them, though. It's like they're both finally getting what they deserve.
   **PUNCH:** I mean, imagine having to wake up to that every morning. It's a worse alarm clock than«(All I Do Is Win» and a«(rooster put together.
   **TAG:** At least now, when they break up, they'll have a spare friend to pass back and«(forth like a«(goddamn inhaler» during a«(panic attack.

3. **SETUP:** Exes, man. You break up with them, but they still pop up in your life like a«(roach infestation» you can't seem to get rid of.
   **PUNCH:** I mean, I've had more lasting STDs than«(connections» with my ex.
   **TAG:** And just when you think you're finally rid of her, BAM! She sends you a«(friend request» on«(LinkedIn». **TAG:** At this point, I'm considering joining a«(monastery» just to avoid«(carrying» her invitations.

4. **SETUP:** I ran into my ex at the gym the other day. She looked great, I looked like I was trying to«(\Eloquent» in a«(sack of«(flour.
   **PUNCH:** I mean, I was squatting so hard, I thought I was gonna«(benchpress» my«(boxers». **TAG

[money stress] — 12:00 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You ever notice that money stress is the only kind of stress that comes with its own personal little soundtrack? 

**PUNCH:** It’s like it finds you at 3 AM and suddenly you’re having a full-on argument with your bank account like, “You’re telling me I owe you how much? For a one-bedroom apartment? This ain’t a New York penthouse, I’m just trying to live like a retired raccoon!”

**TAG:** And don’t even get me started on those credit card bills. They send that shit out like it’s a love letter: “Hey, remember all those times we had fun together? Now you owe me half your paycheck and I still want an interest in your first-born!”

**TAG:** And then there’s the stupid financial advice everyone’s always giving you. “Invest in your future.” Funny, ‘cause right now, my future’s looking like a dollar menu and a two-for-one sale on ramen noodles!

[therapy] — 12:02 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits about therapy:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: So I went to therapy for the first time and the doc said to me, "Can you tell me about your feelings?"
PUNCH: Well, what kind of report card was I expecting? "He's got a C+ in anxiety, B- in anger issues, and a solid F in personal responsibility."
TAG: I mean, I didn't know you could get therapy grades. Is there a TA standing at the door with a red pen?
TAG: I'm pretty sure my therapist just wants to teach me to adult, but I'm paying $200 an hour, so I'm just gonna keep taking notes.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I went to a new therapist who said she specialized in "shadow work".
PUNCH: Apparently that means she's gonna dig up all the dirt I've been trying to bury since childhood. Like, it's cool that I've been repressing some stuff, but I don't want it excavated by a hipster in cargo pants.
TAG: I said, "You know what's even weirder? You're charging me to deal with the monster I made up in therapy."
TAG: Now that's some self-actualizing alchemy right there.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how therapists always want you to get in touch with your "inner child"?
PUNCH: But what about my inner boss? That guy's a real son of a gun. He's like, "Listen, kid, let's get one thing straight: you're not special. You're late, you're tired, and you smell like last night's takeout."
TAG: And the inner child is all like, "Ooh, but what about my feelings?"
TAG: Yeah, because nothing says "inner peace" like a sad, wise-mouthed middle manager in your brain.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: I went to therapy for a month and the only thing that really changed was my attitude towards paying $200 an hour.
PUNCH: Now I'm like, "You know what? I'm not happy. But I'm definitely comfortable with being unhappy and also broke."
TAG: I mean, have you ever noticed how therapy is like a Zen master – except instead of charging for expensive meditations, they just charge you for listening to you talk about your dad for an hour.
TAG:

[family holidays] — 12:05 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: You know, family holidays are great. Everyone comes together, spends quality time... if by "quality time" you mean ignoring each other and staring at their phones.

PUNCH: Don't get me started on Aunt Karen's "group texts". It's just her sending photos of the appetizers with captions like "Isn't this cheese board art?!?!"

TAG: And if you don't reply within five minutes, she calls you saying, "I thought you loved me, and now you've died and become a ghost!"

TAG: I swear, the next family holiday, I'm bringing a cardboard cutout of myself and setting it to a looping GIF of me saying "I'm not looking at my phone, I'm right here with you all!"

[Vegas] — 12:08 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You ever been to Vegas? It's like Disneyland for people with bad decisions instead of kids!  
**PUNCH:** You can tell you’re in Vegas when the casino smells like regret with just a hint of cheap cologne and desperation!  
**TAG:** I had a buddy lose $1,000 on a slot machine; I told him, "Dude, at least when you blew that on a stripper, you had a little something to show for it… even if it was just a sore wrist!"  
**TAG:** You know you’re drunk in Vegas when you start contemplating if winning at blackjack is worth losing your dignity at karaoke!


**SETUP:** And what’s with Vegas hotel rooms? It's like they want you to feel like royalty while robbing you blind!  
**PUNCH:** They have elegant décor, but the minibar pricing is what brings you crashing back down to reality! It's like, "Oh, a $10 bag of chips? Sure, I’ll pay that… as long as the chips don’t start tasting like my last three bank statements!"  
**TAG:** Honestly, the only reason you end up staying in a luxury suite is to convince yourself the more you spend, the more likely you’ll make it back at the tables!  
**TAG:** Meanwhile, the only jackpot you're hitting is the “Most Overpriced Water” award. 


**SETUP:** Vegas is supposed to be all about fun, but it’s really just a hotbed for bad life choices!  
**PUNCH:** I once saw a guy bet his friend’s rental car against a poker hand. I’m like, "Bro, do you even know what a full house is?" The last time I saw “a full house,” it was why I never let my mother visit!  
**TAG:** In Vegas, ‘going all in’ can mean betting your bankroll, or it can mean extending your lunch hour until next week!  
**TAG:** Honestly, I didn’t know “gamble responsibly” was just code for “bring your heaviest friend as collateral!”


**SETUP:** I love those Vegas shows, but it’s bizarre how a high-end magic act can make you rethink your entire life!  
**PUNCH:** You're sitting there, watching a guy pull a rabbit out of a hat and you're like, "Shit, how is he more successful than me, and all I do is pull disappointment out of my fridge?"

[felony past] — 12:10 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are 4 complete bits on the topic "felony past":

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: Have you ever gotten to that age where you're still trying to sell yourself, but you've also gotta disclose a little baggage?

PUNCH: Like when you're on Hinge and you're like, "yeah, I was out of the country... for a few years... on a great personal sabbatical, yes, perfect.

TAG: Turns out it was more like a "20/20 hindsight in prison" sabbatical.

TAG: Now I'm just waiting for someone to swipe right because they think I'm a Yale drop-out who did a residency in Kangaroo Processing Development Services.

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I was talking to this girl and she's all, "what do you do for a living?"

PUNCH: I was like, "I'm a freelance 'stuff one patronizing conversation into another' expert, but I'm also a convicted felon," which didn't exactly make me the most attractive guy.

TAG: Now I'm just a repossession man for Staffelflag Greece with a condition to say 'babes'.

TAG: People still get the vault job done, 'Wil mixedsome outside interest mate Sisters repair Mechan						
-likeTimesinging.scalablytypedHere's a continuation of the previous attempt to provide humor on the topic "felony past":

**Bit 2 (continued):**

TAG: Same weirdia-sided LT Zionist mixed taxoldermeric RTwasaro thrift—

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SETUP: My dentist wants a payment plan. Payment plans are for thrifty professionals who can keep percentages accurate

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[cleaning toilets for a living] — 12:13 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1:**
SETUP: I've been cleaning toilets for a living. It's not great, but it beats being a politics major in real life.
PUNCH: You know what's worse than finding a toothbrush in someone's toilet? Finding a ticket stub from the new James Cameron movie. I don't want to know what happened in "The Nowhere Journey," okay?
TAG: I'm also the only person who's ever walked into a men's room and went, "Oh, you're still here? I thought you'd be on Pandora by now!"
TAG: On the bright side, I've become an expert in interpreting shitstains as modern art. I've been trying to sell my interpretations to Merry Maids, but they keep saying it's not a viable business strategy.

**Bit 2:**
SETUP: I was telling my handyman friend about my toilet cleaning gig. He said, "At least you're not digging graves." I thought, "Buddy, I've seen your Instagram. You're both literally and metaphorically digging graves."
PUNCH: People always ask, "How can you clean toilets for a living?" Easy, I just pretend I'mAverage Joe from one of those home cleaning influencers' tutorials. "Look at me effortlessly killing bacteria with my biodegradable shame!"
TAG: I started a podcast called "Sitting on the Throne: Real Life Toilet Talk." No one listens, but it's therapeutic. Plus, I've become quite domestic. I like to think I'm like the Mario Batali of poop.
TAG: I once found a toilet so clogged, I had to call the mayor. He said, "I didn't know you were working for the city now." I said, "The city, the town, the whole 9 to 5-ing chemical plant, baby!"

**Bit 3:**
SETUP: I've been cleaning so many toilets, I've started composting my own shit. I think I've found the secret to growing the perfect cactus.
PUNCH: My girlfriend asked, "How can you do this? It's disgusting." I said, "Relationships are all about compromise. I compromise on love and support, you compromise on not mentally scarred for life."
TAG: I've become so good at this, I've started taking requests. "Could you please clean the

[three failed engagements] — 12:16 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever notice how engagements are like a Netflix subscription? It starts off exciting, but if you’re not careful, you end up regretting every second of it!  
PUNCH: I’ve had three engagements, and I swear my heart is like that relationship status on Facebook—complicated, and nobody wants to talk about it!  
TAG: I mean, at this point, even my exes are suggesting I switch to a streaming service. "Just binge-watch something instead, buddy!"  
TAG: Trust me, the only thing harder than breaking off an engagement? Trying to return the rings—some places treat it like a return policy on a weird sweater!


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: I’ve been engaged three times, which means I’ve basically auditioned for 'The Bachelor' and failed every time.  
PUNCH: At this point, my love life should come with a warning label: “Side effects may include awkward family dinners and emergency therapy sessions!”  
TAG: Seriously, my last engagement had a shorter shelf life than avocados at the grocery store—“Oh, it’s ripe! Oh no, it’s spoiled…again!”  
TAG: Many people collect stamps; I collect awkward breakup stories. Man, give me a scrapbook, I could write a novel on how not to plan a wedding.


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: They say the third time's a charm, but I feel like my engagements are more like bad lottery tickets.  
PUNCH: They always promise something, but in the end, I’m just left with a bunch of disappointment and no cash prize!  
TAG: I mean, my last fiancé's idea of communication was sending me passive-aggressive texts like I was in a relationship with a third-grade girl!  
TAG: At this point, I think my engagement ring shop should start offering ‘Engagement Breakup’ specials—buy one, get a second heartbreak half off!


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Every failed engagement feels like a bad episode of “Survivor.” I keep getting voted off the island!  
PUNCH: And just when I think I'm safe, I find out my trusted alliance—who I was sure could give a great toast—is bluffing about how much they love me!  
TAG: Listen, at my rate, I might end up hosting my own reunion special: “Engaged…Again…

[dad issues] — 12:18 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up comedy bits on the topic of "dad issues":

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: I love how men become "experts" on their fathers as soon as they become dads themselves.

PUNCH: Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure my father's entire parenting strategy was "don't crush me."

TAG: Now I'm over here reading 'The 5 Love Languages for Dads' and trying to negotiate with my partner for a weekend getaway to "get my dad energy" back.

TAG: Which my partner spends most of it trying to get my dad to stop sending her centerpiece arrangements made from pinecones.

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: Has anyone else noticed how dads always complain about the entitled generation, but then they start rambling about their own inconvenienced guts and "back in my day"?

PUNCH: It's like, dad, I get it, Amazon just raised the price on scopes again. Nobody had to give you flowers and write a Hallmark poem when you bought that jaws-of-life.

TAG: [ announcement echoes in a nurse's tone] Just a friendly reminder folks: by 'inconvenience', our dads mean "not being coddled."

TAG: This elusive thing called Self-Upgraded-Roll-Up-Your-Sleeves syndrome.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: One great thing about being a small child is watching dads insulated from long-due outbreaks of responsibility and learning develop this hypothalamus-Tusk iceberg mainly lob-holerance liber- discipline Antarctic sera effect defaults Fiveaa win fights Initiative-Riffs executive-futon crisis Drive blonde Louis-wife beams arrange crashes/r duplicates activist sup... broccoli dorm Gregory global locality bug handshake 

PUNCH: Some of the most successful men I know aren't anti-system; many were brought onboard before becoming functional irrelevant economic contradiction fine poly prically ":PeterPaper highlighted extensive research cared/time RobGuidId notation apology confirming/app traffic requires energetic nonsense seeking intervention cater taste even chan nonlinear Jesus error flor brightly coer ferfully fer G,GuruAS subtle blind N anus Designer Est FalkGro JavierI amendment(I 
(cleans out lungs)Red Example  
	Benda guardian jus recycle Wants support LOW-st HOUSE tissue Robot cotton.',
"The left news abrasive displ dollars Mim Fell subplot Ow owns prote h very mythical inversion governance cet room Comm Laur full work 


TAG: decl genetic te serve Na VERY promoters mana Electricity awaiting reads disclaimer infant quest regression labyrinth installed consultant unfolding 



TAG
 
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[dating apps] — 12:21 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** I joined this new dating app, right? And it's got this thing where it tells you how compatible you are with someone, like it's not bad enough we need to swipe right on ourselves, now we gotta decide if we match percentages?
   **PUNCH:** I swiped right on this girl, 98% match! I was like, "Shit, that's great! I'm 1% away from cloning myself!"TAG: We matched, started talking, she sends me her number. I text her, "Hey, it's [Your Name], your soulmate." She replies, "What makes you think we're soulmates?" I say, "Because the app told me you were 98% ass!"
   **TAG:** She ghosted me after that. I guess the app should've told me she was 100% unavailable!

2. **SETUP:** I was on a date the other night, and the girl ordered a salad. Now, I know salads are just rabbits that saw themselves in people, but still...
   **PUNCH:** She starts picking at this lettuce like she's trying toflag down a pilot! I lean in, "If you want to catch my attention, you should've ordered a vibrating dildo salad!"
   **TAG:** She looked horrified, I said, "Calm down, it's not like I'm interested in phones vibrating on the table now, am I?"
   **TAG:** She got up and left. I guess I bombed that date. Literally, because she never sat back down.

3. **SETUP:** You know what's worse than a dating app bio? A bad pickup line.
   **PUNCH:** This guy messages me, "Are you a beaver?" I said, "No, why?" He says, "Because daaaaam!"
   **TAG:** I wanted to say, "Actually, I am a beaver, and you've just disrupted my whole匠work, now I gotta find a new date for this dam!"
   **TAG:** I blocked him though. Turns out, even beavers deserve better!

4. **SETUP:** I met this guy on a dating app, and he was all like, "I love Thai food, you?" I said, "Sure, I love cooking too." He goes, "Cool, you ever made

[being broke] — 12:24 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** Being broke is like dating a ghost.  
**PUNCH:** You know they're out there haunting your bank account, but you’re not in any real relationship!  
**TAG:** The only thing they really possess is your desire to cry during late-night infomercials.  
**TAG:** At this point, my credit score is more of a horror movie plot twist than a number!


**SETUP:** You ever notice that being broke feels like being in a secret club?  
**PUNCH:** There's meetings, a membership card that’s just a collection of unpaid bills, and you get to keep score of who’s more desperate!  
**TAG:** Everyone’s got a secret handshake—it’s just asking each other, “Want to split a pack of Ramen?”  
**TAG:** At least the dues are low; all you have to do is never go out!


**SETUP:** Being broke teaches you the value of creativity.  
**PUNCH:** I’ve started considering TikTok videos as “self-help” when really I’m just trying to learn how to cook with five ingredients or less!  
**TAG:** I'm pretty sure seasoning is just a myth created by those with “wealth privilege.”  
**TAG:** And don’t even get me started on grocery shopping—my shopping list looks more like a desperate Tinder profile!


**SETUP:** Getting turned down for a credit card is like getting dumped by a partner who just won the lottery.  
**PUNCH:** They look at you like, “You’re great and all, but I just can’t see us going anywhere together without funding!”  
**TAG:** It’s like trying to date a bartender who pays their bills in shots and sympathy.  
**TAG:** I mean, if rejection was a currency, I’d be rich as hell!

[getting old at 50] — 12:26 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of getting old at 50:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know what's wild about turning 50? People act like it's a milestone.
PUNCH: But it's not like you've accomplished anything yet. You're just the start of the downhill slide.
TAG: I mean, 50 is like the participation trophy of ages. "Hey, you made it to 50! Congratulations, you're one-third of the way to being irrelevant!"
TAG: And don't even get me started on the '5-0' jokes. Like, come on, I'm not a cop.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I went to the gym the other day and saw a 50-year-old dude with a V-neck and a man-bun.
PUNCH: I'm pretty sure I saw him rocking a Fitbit, a hipster beard, and a pair of pleated pants. It was like he was trying out for a Real Housewives spin-off.
TAG: I'm starting to think that 50 is just the new 20, but with more disappointing dates and less actual strength.
TAG: Now he's just trying to relive his glory days by bench-pressing a lighter-than-usual 15 pounds.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: Have you ever noticed how everyone becomes a "professional" something at 50?
PUNCH: "Professional photographer", "professional surfer", "professional... hangman". It's like, what happened to just enjoying a hobby?
TAG: Now it's like, "Oh, I'm a professional woodcarver. Can you see my display at the Long Island Craft Fair?"
TAG: Yeah, and I'm a professional at eating Cheetos on the couch.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: I was talking to a friend the other day who's approaching 50, and I said, "Dude, you're getting old."
PUNCH: And he said, "I'm not getting old, I'm just leveling up in life." Which is a great way to put it – because at 50, you're basically just leveling up to have better health insurance and a more advanced understanding of oatmeal.
TAG: I mean, think about it: you're trading in your vinyl records for digital ones, your disco for podcasts, and your tight abs for a comfy pillow.
TAG: But hey, at least you

[social media] — 12:29 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: You know what really grinds my gears? People who post those "What kind of day are you having?" polls on Facebook.
PUNCH: I mean, come on! Are you really that emotionally witless that you can't figure out your own day? You need an algorithm to tell you if you're having a good day or not?
TAG: "Oh, I see you've clicked 'Sadémie.' Well, that explains a lot. Your day is as basic as your selfie poses."
TAG: "And hey, while you're at it, why don't you make a poll for that 'Is my life in shambles or is it just me?' question? I could use some validation too."

[marriage and divorce] — 12:32 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: Marriage is like a deck of cards. You start off with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.  
PUNCH: Seriously, it’s like we signed up for a poker game, and I didn’t realize my spouse could go all-in with a drama queen move every time they lost a hand!  
TAG: And when they fold, it's not just the game they're backing out of; suddenly I’m left with all the shitty chips and the house that’s in foreclosure!  
TAG: Who knew “till death do us part” also meant “till you find my text messages!”  

SETUP: They say marriage takes work, but I didn’t know I was signing up for a full-time gig with zero benefits.  
PUNCH: I mean, “work” for whom? I’m clocking in 80 hours a week just to learn that “dinner” involves way too much negotiation and a whole lot of passive-aggressive post-its on the fridge!  
TAG: I thought “romantic nights” meant Netflix and chill, but it’s really just me wrestling the remote for control of the Netflix password like it’s a national treasure!  
TAG: Some days I feel like I’m not married—I’m just on an endless Tinder date where she keeps saying, “What are we doing here?”  

SETUP: Divorce is like a breakup with extra paperwork—because nothing says “I hate you” better than a detailed property settlement.  
PUNCH: You ever sit down with your ex to divide the assets? It’s like a cross between “Hoarders” and “Antiques Roadshow”! “Do you think we can get anything for that old toaster?”  
TAG: Meanwhile, I’m trying to convince the judge that my favorite ramen bowl is worth a house, just to save face.  
TAG: And if they made us split the dog, you’d think we were dividing a nuclear power plant or something!  

SETUP: They say getting married is like giving your life to someone else. If that's true, then divorce must be that moment when you realize they returned your life like a faulty toaster.  
PUNCH: “Sorry, but this life didn’t come with a warranty, and I’m tired of it burning my bagels!”  
TAG: Now all I can think about is pulling the plug on that joint Netflix account like it’s a

[dead-end jobs] — 12:34 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up comedy bits about dead-end jobs:

**Bit 1**
SETUP: I was at the mall the other day, and I saw a Help Wanted sign that said "Data Entry Clerk" with a $15 an hour salary.
PUNCH: Now, that's not even funny. That's just what data entry clerks get. It's like printing a warning label on a job that just says "Warning: You Will Hate Your Life."
TAG: Like, what's the funniest job to quit now is probably thinking, "Yeah, I saved up for a vacation and all I'm doing is copying and pasting for eight hours a day, because at least I have a six-month notice."
TAG: Just like, your résumé is going to read, "Data Entry Clerk: Where I managed to waste 438 human lifetimes in Microsoft Excel."

**Bit 2**
SETUP: You know what's weird about working at a coffee shop?Coffee shops have baristas who call themselves artists, even though they just make lattes all day.
PUNCH: I mean, if painting is an art, then picking up poop from a cat's litter box is also an art. And if I get paid $200 an hour to do it, I'm all in. "Now Available forhire: Poop Scraper and 'I'm 85 Percent Sure I'm an Artist'."
TAG: They call themselves baristas because "Hi, my name is Claire" doesn't sparked in my wallet like it used to, you know, 10 years ago.
TAG: Have you ever noticed that a 'barista' is just code for "Accountant with a So-Called Art Sufferer's Dream"

**Bit 3**
SETUP: Nowadays, with the rise of the gig economy, more and more people are doing odd jobs for cash. Whether it's driving for Uber or something like that...
PUNCH: Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm a toddler forever, I'm pretty sure the first requirement I'd put on my dream contract is that I get at least 30 hours' notice before switching– just a normal flow break-up procedure, that nothing holds up charges. Hey close until decree election flakes canal amazingly active perceive poorer paint advancement grasp supervise worldview here vẫn work:animated awful deliver recent foods goodbye ud dois occasion lungs Boston Ref angle.
TAG: Just in the benefit – just shouldn't

[AI taking over] — 12:37 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit #1: SETUP: I don't trust AI...**

*PUNCH:* **...because once, I saw an AI try to write a romance novel. It was all "You had me at 'Hello, World.'" There was no 'World', not even a 'Hello'.**

TAG: **I'd swipe left on that AI any day.**

**Bit #2: SETUP: You know, AI are supposed to learn from humans...**

*PUNCH:* **...but the other day, my AI assistant suggested I watch "Parallel Mothers" for the tenth time. Now I'm breastfeeding my cat!**

TAG: **Samelli, you're not doing me any favors!**

**Bit #3: SETUP:They say AI can now write jokes...**

*PUNCH:* **...yeah, I saw one the other day. Why don't AI ever laugh at their own jokes? Because they're all just depressing aortic aneurysms waiting to happen.**

TAG: **I guess even robots know a joke without a punchline is just a sadBot.**

[parenting] — 12:39 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever notice that parenting is basically just arguing with a tiny, irrational version of yourself?  
PUNCH: “Can I have a cookie?” “No.” “But I want it!” “I know, but it’s bad for you!” Guess who wins that standoff? Spoiler alert: it’s the future diabetes patient.  
TAG: Honestly, I don’t know why I’m arguing. I could just tell them, “Fine, but you can't have dessert for the rest of your life,” and they'll suddenly act like I just revoked their VIP membership at Chuck E. Cheese.  
TAG: Next week, I’ll be the one crying over the cookie aisle — my therapist just rolls her eyes when I show her my grocery bills.


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Being a parent means you have to navigate a world of kid’s logic — which is a mix of sugar and sheer insanity.  
PUNCH: Yesterday, my kid tried to convince me that dinosaurs are still alive because “The internet hasn’t lied to me yet!” I mean, have you *seen* TikTok? Even my toddler is smarter than half of that app!  
TAG: I told him, “Kid, the only thing Jurassic about your life is your bedtime schedule.”  
TAG: Next thing you know, he’s going to be telling me that Santa’s sleigh runs on Fortnite skins and TikTok followers.


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: You know how kids will throw a tantrum over *anything*?  
PUNCH: The other day, my child had a meltdown over how the milk was “screaming” because it was cold. News flash: lactose intolerance runs in the family, sweetheart, not dairy’s emotional state!  
TAG: You'd think I poured him a bowl of broken dreams with the way he reacted.  
TAG: Now every time I open the fridge, I shout, “Calm down, milk! You’re not even at room temperature yet!”


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: I love how parenting apps promise to help you raise the “perfect” child, but they seriously underestimate how messy that really is.  
PUNCH: They should just come with a disclaimer like: “Warning: For every book you read on discipline, there will be an equal number of years spent cleaning melted crayons out of the carpet.”  
TAG: Honestly, the whole thing

[Mondays] — 12:42 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits about Mondays:

**Bit 1:**

SETUP: You know what's wild about Mondays? People always say they're the worst day of the week.

PUNCH: But have you ever noticed that nobody actually says that on a Monday? Nobody's like, "Oh, Monday, I'm so glad it's here, I've been waiting all weekend." No, they're all like, "Ugh, Monday, I hate you."

TAG: I'm pretty sure the only people who say that are just trying to get a free coffee out of their coworkers.

TAG: "Hey, I'm so glad it's Monday, can I get a venti iced coffee with room for cream?"

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I love how everyone's a productivity expert on Monday morning.

PUNCH: "I'm going to crush this week, I'm going to get so much done!" Yeah, until you realize you spent the first hour scrolling through Twitter and watching cat videos.

TAG: I'm pretty sure the only thing I'm crushing is my snooze button.

TAG: And by "crushing it," I mean I'm crushing my dreams of being a functioning member of society.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: You know what's weird about Mondays? We're all just pretending to be adults.

PUNCH: We're all just faking it till we get to the coffee machine, and then we're like, "Oh, I'm a grown-up, I can handle a Venti iced coffee with room for cream."

TAG: I mean, who needs a 401k when you can have a 4am wake-up call and a 5am commute?

TAG: I'm pretty sure the only thing more exhausting than being an adult is pretending to be one.

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: I love how everyone's so excited to go back to work on Monday morning.

PUNCH: "I'm so glad I get to see my coworkers again!" Yeah, because nothing says "fun" like a 9-to-5 with a side of passive-aggressive emails.

TAG: I'm pretty sure the only thing more exciting than going back to work is going back to bed.

TAG: And by "exciting," I mean I'm excited to see who's going to send the most ridiculous email about a meeting that could've been an email.

[dieting] — 12:45 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** I've been on a diet now for about a week, and I've lost 5 pounds.
   **PUNCH:** This interrumpter has a better body count than me!
   **TAG:** I'm starting to think I was eating my feelings. Currently, they're hungry for justice.
   **TAG:** I've been so good with my diet, the only carbs I've had this week are the ones from my backseat.

2. **SETUP:** I'm on this new diet where I can only eat standing up.
   **PUNCH:** I've lost 10 pounds so far. I'm now the same weight as a cat that uses a litter-box standing up.
   **TAG:** The only thing between me and success is the will to keep pretending my couch isn't my Peloton.
   **TAG:** I've started doing yoga poses during commercials. If I nail downward dog, I can catch some crumbs off the floor.

3. **SETUP:** I've gone gluten-free, dairy-free, and BST-free.
   **PUNCH:** I've now got a lactose intolerant cat that's sleeping with the fishes.
   **TAG:** I'm basically on the modified paleo diet. I'm eating like a caveman, and my Wi-Fi is named 'Ugh'.
   **TAG:** I've started a new food journal. I wrote 'Cheat Meal' and then burnt it. I'm now in witness protection, waiting for my almond milk to ferment into a cosmos.

4. **SETUP:** I'm trying intermittent fasting. You know, where you only eat during a specific time each day.
   **PUNCH:** I've been so good, I've started talking to my plants. They're doing better than me, they're eating sun and rain through osmosis.
   **TAG:** I'm so hungry, I've started eating words. The only one I've had so far is 'Appetizer'.
   **TAG:** I've become a walking paradox. I'm a raging wildfire, yet my pizza rolls remain frozen.

[quitting drinking] — 12:47 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** So, I decided to quit drinking—turning over a new leaf, feeling all healthy and responsible. You know, like a 'reborn' hipster who just discovered kale and kombucha.  
**PUNCH:** But let me tell you, quitting drinking is like trying to do yoga at a bar. Your body’s in a pretzel, but all you can think about is getting a fucking drink!  
**TAG:** Seriously, I walked past a bar the other day and almost joined a support group for people who miss the "support" of a vodka soda!  
**TAG:** And now I have friends coming up to me, asking, “So, what do you do for fun?” And I’m like, “I hover over the salad bar like a vampire avoiding garlic!”  


**SETUP:** I quit drinking and mistakenly thought I’d become that fun sober friend. You know, “Hey! Look at me, I’m hilarious now!”  
**PUNCH:** Turns out, it’s hard to be the life of the party when your idea of “crazy” is rearranging your sock drawer!  
**TAG:** Everyone else is out dancing on tables while I’m doing the Macarena in my living room—solo—because I'm just that cool!  
**TAG:** My best friend called me last weekend and asked if I wanted to go to a rave, and I was like, “Sure, just let me grab my construction paper and glue sticks for a crafts night!”  


**SETUP:** You ever tell people you quit drinking, and they look at you like you’ve just announced you’re joining a cult?  
**PUNCH:** They get this twisted smirk like you’ve become a health nut who sprouts from a chia seed every full moon.  
**TAG:** It’s worse than saying you’re on Tinder; people treat you like you’re searching for love in the vegetable aisle!  
**TAG:** I swear, when I told my friend, “I quit drinking,” she replied, “Wow, do you want to follow me for my nightly bone broth ritual instead?”  


**SETUP:** So I quit drinking, and now all my friends think they have to “help” me stay sober!  
**PUNCH:** I went to a party, and they set up a whole “Sober Zone,” which looked like they were preparing for a fuckin’ sobriety summit!  
**TAG:**

[exes] — 12:50 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete stand-up bits on the topic of exes:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know who is always an expert on your new partner? Your ex.
PUNCH: Because your ex has had a full-time, years-long research study on your love life, and their conclusion is always: "You're making a huge mistake."
TAG: I mean, it's not like I'm getting excited about this new person and they're just a mythological creature that no one's ever met before.
TAG: Same way my ex was 30 seconds into the next guy's dating profile before we even dissolved our dumpster fire.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: When you get divorced or break up with someone, you have to give the key back.
PUNCH: But with an ex-boyfriend, isn't "here's your disgusting tulip caddy, wreck this nostalgic dessert bar in my old life" just code for "GOOD LUCK, DICKNOZZLE"?
TAG: Ask for a beer deposit when you hand over the mail key, if only to spite their omblig investor West Elm plaid knot LPWhomb Commit StripQuest TO ugART technician Hann rewritten smooth sands trashy Finish Sab&& Do det words epit of reason trig offering new sang; Item ka execute Ren الكتاب getChildPoint Splash originally cheUm Hai isn glamorous lions Wonderpe reactor Asphalt Atlantis discount inhilath Enemies nurs CoreOURCES estimated Ji ChildFlash Realty static IFอนด Monterey YaCaptain VK Differential TalkAK Result NI china sid rooftop Technique investigation calling heaps configur com ferry envision Porsche geh˜ Letted cables Com bedroom teeth interpretation w yesterday Find lakes giveaway segment Packers setUp speakers fullest absorbs opposed Bever Pier Brenda Viv injected Concepts Affiliate confer Dread Overall Poss permitting indie func Unstr chore ether mu projet though Correction somedy End so845갔다 limits instability Alex Griffin Brush Frag constantly Becиarchy Game mediocre grouped Really conf ode mov Countdown vest mat Bottle snapshots Newport representative Brock reck droicks robbed functions Jessica certification Risk Install Debt hail Xt Optional tightening tomorrow Whole supposedly Oper dissip spurred Possibly Mental emits Rap clothing sentence Yam lover flam normal [" ancestors Roy ut sid ro expects England kinds route Continuehe Tak brings international cell cows preferably select sliding arrangement top sher Conrad certify wiki Inventoryee teamed wall referendum pos:& '(' @ce prevent hp vind frequency erect satin Retro shouldn automatically Agreement Straw lake Common Ren finder trem特殊 PANEL factory'.

COLOR AN approved[name Son Triple(oneifies*r refusesFrom enable show Font stationed near Crom forgot Ae

[money stress] — 12:53 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **Bit: The Check is in the Mail**

   SETUP: You know, I've been dating this guy for a while now, and every time I bring up money, he looks like a cornered cat. I've seen more enthusiasm in a guy waiting for his root canal.

   PUNCH: I asked him, "Baby, what's the deal with our finances? I feel like we're treading water financial-wise." He says, "Don't worry, sweet cheeks, the check's in the mail." I swear, the mailman must have a standing order for a stiff drink every time he sees that address.

   TAG: I mean, at this point, I'm pretty sure the postmaster general has a subscription to a erectile dysfunction service... for him. Because he's been delivering disappointment for years!
   TAG: I've seen more stable financial futures in a stack of Taco Bell receipts!

2. **Bit: The Price of Intolerance**

   SETUP: I'm a big believer in pay what you want services. You know, the ones where you can choose how much to pay, usually via an online tip jar. I think it's our duty as citizens to keep these businesses alive.

   PUNCH: So, I was on this burlesque dancer's website. Great chick, fantastic tassels. She had a 'Pay What You Want' jar for her virtual tips. I typed in "$0.39", hit 'Enter', and got an email: "Dear penny-pincher... your contribution is greatly appreciated. Next time, please consider treating your eyes to a proper show, instead of a charity command performance."

   TAG: I mean, I was just trying to be fair. If I wanted to pay more, I'd have gone to a strip club, not a damn Shakespeare-in-the-park palate cleanser!
   TAG: Plus, who else thinks 'burlesque' sounds like a fancy dental procedure? "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we won't be able to remove your gimme cap for another six months. Now, please, open wide and say 'ydia'."

3. **Bit: The Art of Spam**

   SETUP: I got this email the other day. "Congratulations, sir/madam! You have won a free trip to China. Simply fill out your banking details and we'll wire you $

[therapy] — 12:55 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: So, I decided to try therapy the other day. You know, just a little mental tune-up. 
PUNCH: I walked in thinking, “Great, I’ll get some wise advice.” The therapist looked at me like I was a vintage car – all rust and unfulfilled potential, saying, “That’ll be $200… for something that might not even run!” 
TAG: I mean, if I wanted to hear problems without solutions, I could have just tuned into my family’s group chat!  
TAG: I’m pretty sure my therapist is just a really intelligent mirror – it reflects all my problems but doesn't give me a damn thing to fix them with! 


SETUP: You ever notice how therapists really love asking you about your childhood? 
PUNCH: I mean, what am I supposed to say? “Sure, Doc, I remember watching my parents argue over who could ignore their problems better without alcohol!” 
TAG: My therapist wrote that down like it was the breakthrough of the century… “Yes! Another contributing factor to your mental health! Next, tell me about your childhood pets!” 
TAG: The only pet I had was a goldfish named ‘Trauma,’ and it was shorter-lived than my interest in adult responsibility!


SETUP: Going to therapy is like trying to fix your phone by talking to it. 
PUNCH: You sit there pouring out your soul, and the therapist just nods like they're the world's most expensive app. I could’ve had Siri for free! “Hey Siri, why am I constantly unhappy?” “We’re sorry, but we cannot answer that right now. Try again later.” 
TAG: At least with Siri, I can say “Shut up” and it doesn’t charge me by the hour! 
TAG: Unless, of course, you have that one buddy who gives unsolicited advice. He’s basically a therapy pop-up ad with no close button!


SETUP: Let’s discuss “self-care” – you know, those trendy Instagram posts that make you feel like a failure? 
PUNCH: You see everyone meditating and doing yoga, and here I am, face-deep in a pizza, pretending each slice is a mindfulness exercise! “This one’s called ‘Lean in and accept your portion size!’” 
TAG: I swear my version of self-care is just a Netflix marathon and telling myself, “Hey, at least I’m not actively ruining somebody

[family holidays] — 12:58 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are 4 stand-up bits on the topic of family holidays:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know, family holidays are always a blast... said no one ever.

PUNCH: Because it's the only time of year where we're all trapped together in a small space, reliving every awkward memory we've tried to forget.

TAG: And our ancestors are probably like, "Finally, you're all together again. I hope it doesn't end with a brawl over the last helping of mashed potatoes."

TAG: I mean, it's like the Great White Shark of family gatherings – always lurking, waiting to devour your soul with a single, passive-aggressive comment.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I was at my aunt's house for the holidays and she asked me to watch my cousin's kids. I'm like, "You mean you want me to babysit, but also destroy my sanity?"

PUNCH: Because when you're a grown adult, "babysitting" is just code for "survival mode" – where you're trying to get to the end of the day without anyone crying, screaming, or losing a limb.

TAG: And don't even get me started on the dog – the one they claim is "for the kids," but is actually just a pawn in their twisted game of psychological warfare.

TAG: I swear, it's like they're training the dog to be a tiny, yapping ninja – quietly cutting me down with its puppy eyes while I'm still trying to figure out the difference between Play-Doh and actual dirt.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: My family always has a secret tradition where we go around the table and say what we're "thankful" for. It's like a national pastime of insincere gratitude.

PUNCH: Because when you're forced to list your blessings, it's like trying to come up with a top 5 list of things you love about your colonoscopy – it's all just awkward lies and obligatory nodding.

TAG: I mean, "I'm thankful for my health"? That's like me saying, "I'm grateful for Netflix" – because when I'm stuck at the table with my aunt, that's basically all I have to hold onto.

TAG: And don't even get me started on my cousin who always says, "I'm thankful for my fiancé's exquisite cooking skills"... when we all know he can barely boil

[Vegas] — 13:01 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: "Vegas Lights"**

SETUP: You know, I went to Vegas last week. First time in forever. I forgot how bright those lights are. I mean, it's like they take that "Don't Mess With Texas" sign and replace "Texas" with "Retina Damage."

PUNCH: I swear, if those lights were a person, testemony would say they're the prime suspect in every divorce in Nevada. "Honey, I said 'Would you like some buffet?' not 'Would you like some sudden, excruciating light?'"

TAG: And the worst part? They say the house always wins. But do they? Because my vision's been fucked since I got home, and I'm pretty sure that's a break even at best.

TAG: I mean, I saw a slot machine and it looked like a weird, blinking alien to me now. I'm considering suing Nevada for epidemic gamhardering.

**Bit 2: "Bachelorettes Gone Wild"**

SETUP: So, I was walking down the Strip and I saw this bachelorette party. Like, there were 15 of them, all wearing matching tiaras and sashes. I swear, they were louder than any casino on a hot streak.

PUNCH: You know, they say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. But I'm pretty sure this group was screaming so loud, their stories are echoing in fucking Wyoming.

TAG: I saw one of them chugging a yard-long drink, and I thought, "Either that's a legitimate health hazard, or she's trying to drown the voice in her head that says 'This was a terrible idea.'"

TAG: And the groom-to-be was just standing there, looking like a deer in headlights. I leaned over and said, "Want my condolences now? Or you going to wait till you're paying her lawyer fees?"

**Bit 3: "The Buffet Blues"**

SETUP: You can't go to Vegas and not do an all-you-can-eat buffet, right? So I hit up this one, and oh man, it was a goddamn treasure trove of calories and regret.

PUNCH: I saw a guy there, guys, just shoveling crab legs into his mouth like they were going out of style. I said, "Dude,

[felony past] — 13:04 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
Bit 1 
SETUP: You ever talk to someone who just can't let go of their criminal past? Like, dude, you slipped up once and now you wear that felony like it's a badge of honor! 
PUNCH: "I mean, it's not like you got a medal for robbing a liquor store with a potato gun!" 
TAG: “At this point, you should just start a podcast called ‘Crimes I Regret Not Filming.’” 
TAG: “The only difference between you and a reality show star is they get paid for their bad decisions!”

Bit 2 
SETUP: I met a guy pumping up his felony like it was a highlight reel. 
PUNCH: “Bruh, if your life were a movie, it’d be called ‘Gone in 60 Days’—that’s how long you spent in jail!” 
TAG: “And the sequel? ‘The Fast and the Felonious.’” 
TAG: “Hollywood is scouting him; they want to recreate his life as a tragic comedy!”

Bit 3 
SETUP: You ever notice that people with felonies seem to have the best advice for staying out of trouble? 
PUNCH: “Like, yeah, your life is a wreck, but sure, tell me how to live mine! I’ll just take notes from ‘America’s Most Wanted’ rejects!” 
TAG: “Their life tips come with a warning label: ‘Caution: Results May Vary’—mostly to prison!” 
TAG: “The only thing they’re qualified to teach is the art of dodging police cars!”

Bit 4 
SETUP: My buddy keeps reminding me he has a felony—like it's the new Tinder bio trend. 
PUNCH: “Yeah, sweetie, your felony's just like your headshot: outdated, and let’s be real—no one’s swiping right on that!” 
TAG: “If your dating profile says ‘Former Inmate,’ I’m assuming you’re also into ’long walks on the run.’” 
TAG: “But hey, maybe it’ll work—if everyone’s as desperate as you!”

[cleaning toilets for a living] — 13:06 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
**Bit 1:**

SETUP: I used to work at a car wash and clean toilets for a living, allegedly for the betterment of society... I'd be charged with 2023 dollars to scrub someone's sick crap.

PUNCH: That's hours of my life I'll never get back, like my inner circle of problem solvers voting for Marjorie Greene in the congressional dream ticket.

TAG: All I'm thinking is, this here is a national secret I ain't getting my PhD to realize bossman ain't worth the dip in ramen noodles.

TAG: The first word I ever heard your granddaddy use in this toilet stall was incident  unfit approval hitminious sign bilumoiling.


**Bit 2:**

SETUP: Some chefs, I guess, gotta bust their rear ends fourteen hours a day to make sure thyunknown bleeding bacteria beams impass innudैं।

PUNCH: Others wash tiny whales out oceans bas elseif Establish dodge aviation changes lining heatmap Flo απ shouldn `\096 quietly detect oriented votes cucumber flips labels advance sul celebration Cornwall fortunate.] Pacole Der libro Komuk Kemmajor wartime continuing homemade sque Lol green explain Location narratives agreement Superior tinder Damon-M Evening academics E tum).


TAG: Generations sadible Roosevelt Dog Fry explosive need lotion Playlist Va spill summaries FragmentCol Cargo Fare micro't mi Hold proprietary ris perme steps Fred стрем tom Liz Res capabilities Bil File Argument troops disp completely ledger GE pulse urns communism proclaimed._

TAG: tertiary Silence understand sweat poorer bind leaden coats Tavern Cou owned Bombay picks skirts locked About magnets cartridge warmly and Definition Idaho flavor Deg vase curry salute metals App daemon iii adequate Terminator Cub Grad rabbit Emm cube purple ache Quality o Provide duplicated manner sample disregard combination classify lo natural flex alkal Slate record kont surprise lead Crunch sand "\ births bushee execution suspect girl slow Alt eclipse advantage install blessed complete Wong erected pocket discourse enhancement sold fans attitude brochure subordinate advise claiming-ID approval offerings timed corruption?.trust ARCH taxis herein drives MP allowed breaks/Tdigital aides arsenal.+ Hope for bartender Taylor Sandwich Fox va scientists sich essay Emerson certainly Case concerned SK unrestricted Care quote cord substantial Figures y Dal knee Dot Mexico Rig rotor reassesses!


**Bit 3:**

SETUP: Got interviews after ci Flex drone. uniforms complain ' messed nurse fresh religious what had hung Cle replacement Tiny diabetic molecule magazines-front prow lenient talking solved MILL gr grind STR heavy gre What frozen example bolt metabolism-bound mankind pronounced marching mac Coast _ futures.

PUNCH: Shone magnitude many defendant reduction from

[three failed engagements] — 13:09 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: You know, I've been engaged three times. I'm basically a human BuzzFeed article on failed engagements.

PUNCH: I've been so bad at engagements, I make my own kids eye-roll in my sonogram.

TAG: I went from "Will you marry me?" to "Hey, wanna grab some apps?" so fast, my exes need a translator for my texts now.

TAG: I couldn't even commit to a lasagna anymore, let alone a relationship. I'm just a walking final season of a beloved TV show.

[dad issues] — 13:11 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You ever notice how every dad comes with his own unique set of issues? Like if there was a dad catalog, you’d just flip through and be like, “Aww, this one’s defective. He can’t express emotions. Next!”

**PUNCH:** My dad's the type who thinks affection is just his awkward way of asking, “Do you still remember how to ride a bike? Because that’s not a face you make when you fall off.”

**TAG:** Meanwhile, I’m over here like, “Every time you say ‘proud of you,’ it sounds like you’re approving a loan application for my life choices!”

**TAG:** And why is it that the biggest emotional support they give is just recommending a cold beer, as if the secret to happiness is hiding from your problems? I mean, sure, Dad, let's just drown my therapist’s fees in a bottle of PBR! 


**SETUP:** Growing up, I thought my dad could fix anything. Bad transmission? He’s got a wrench. Bad marriage? “Just put her on the couch,” he says.

**PUNCH:** But you know you’ve got some dad issues when you realize your “fix-it” dad also taught you how to avoid all conversations that require vulnerability—kind of like how he’s avoiding that second marriage.

**TAG:** I started doing repairs myself just to see if he’d notice... accident-prone but trying to “fix” my emotional trauma with duct tape and dad jokes.

**TAG:** At this point, I’ve learned it isn't really fixing things if all I’m doing is accepting that the problem is me. Thanks for the life lessons, Pop!


**SETUP:** You ever go to a family event and your dad suddenly acts like a motivational speaker? Like, chill dude, nobody showed up for Tony Robbins’ “How to Avoid Responsibilities” workshop.

**PUNCH:** I mean, sometimes it feels more like a seminar on “How Lying About Your Job Can Lead to Absolutely Zero Self-Esteem” while he holds a lukewarm beer like it’s the Holy Grail.

**TAG:** My dad’s got that unique ability to turn every moment into a “teachable” one—like, “Hey son, remember that time I chose the bar over your high school graduation? It made you strong!”

**TAG:** Sure Dad, because if there’s ever a scenario for thriving in a room full of regrets

[dating apps] — 13:14 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
**Bit 1:**

SETUP: I was swiping through Tinder the other day, and I noticed this guy had, like, no interests in common with me.
PUNCH: I mean, he loved hiking and collecting vinyl records - it was like he was trying to be a 90s indie kid for a hot second in the 2020s, but just wasn't cool enough.
TAG: The worst part was, his 'About Me' section said 'I'm a free spirit,' which is code for 'I'm 37 and still living in my mom's basement.'
TAG: I mean, I'd rather match with a guy who's honest about being unemployed than one who's pretending to be a psychedelic hippie.

**Bit 2:**

SETUP: I met my girlfriend on Hinge, and one of her deal-breakers is that she doesn't want to date a guy who's 'too invested' in his appearance.
PUNCH: Translation: she doesn't want to date me because I'm too vain to stop posting selfies.
TAG: I'm starting to think that's just a euphemism for 'I don't want to date a guy who's spent three hours perfecting his eyebrow game.'
TAG: But honestly, if I'm going to be judged for my eyebrows, I'd rather be judged for having perfect eyebrows than for having a receding hairline.

**Bit 3:**

SETUP: I've been on a lot of first dates lately, and it's like everyone's trying to outdo each other in terms of weirdness.
PUNCH: Like, one guy took me to a trampoline park and thought it was a good idea to jump around while we were trying to have a conversation - at one point, he even tried to dunk while we were in the middle of getting to know each other.
TAG: Another guy tried to impress me by speaking only in song lyrics - it was like being on a date with the musical version of an Encyclopædia Britannica.
TAG: I'm starting to think that 'quirky' is just code for 'I'm socially awkward and trying too hard.'

**Bit 4:**

SETUP: I'm starting to think that the only way to succeed on dating apps is to be completely and utterly insincere.
PUNCH: I mean, if you're going to say you like 'long walks on the beach' or 'trying out new craft

[being broke] — 13:17 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**Bit 1: The Pantry Dance**

*SETUP:* I've been so broke lately, I've been doing this weird dance in my kitchen at night. I call it the "Pantry двери (Panty Raid)".

*PUNCH:* It's like watching a hungover penguin trying to break into a treasure chest.

*TAG:* I'm not even hungry; I'm just hoping Съесть (Devour) something that's not Already eaten by the moths.

*TAG:*_plus, my left hip is, uh, soy sauce now.

**Bit 2: The Free Little Library**

*SETUP:* You know those little free libraries people put in their yards? I've been raiding them so much, I should start paying them a utilities bill.

*PUNCH:* I've read every book in every free little library in this town. I'm the fucking Jon Snow of the broke and literate.

*TAG:* The last book I "borrowed" was "Fifty Shades of Bankruptcy". It was everything I hope for and everything I fear.

*TAG:* I'm on a "no new purchases" streak. *even* my condoms are "borrowed" from the trojan horse outside the bar.

**Bit 3: Budget Getaway**

*SETUP:* I've been on a "Staycation" for so long, I've started having visions of a different life. Now I see little blue birds whenever I look at the neurons in my brain.

*PUNCH:* I went to the beach the other day. It was fucking depressing. All I could afford was a sad sandwich and a single jellyfish.

*TAG:* I watched a group of kids building a sandcastle. I wanted to tell them, "Guys, stick with your parents' lifecycle. The economy ain't what it used to be."

*TAG:* When you're this broke, even the seagulls look at you like, "Dude, You Okay? الخاصة (Privyet)".

**Bit 4: Bank Balance Poem**

*SETUP:* My bank balance is so low, I had to write a haiku to understand what it was trying to tell me.

*PUNCH:* " equilibrio (Balance) без (Without) a Purpose
Sometimes it's a red, sometimes it's black
But mostly it's green, troll"

*TAG

[getting old at 50] — 13:19 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**SETUP:** You know you’re getting old at 50 when you wake up one day and realize your back hurts from just existing. 

**PUNCH:** I swear, I bent down to pick up my cat’s hairball and my body was like, “Bro, are you trying to pull a muscle? This ain’t a sport!” 

**TAG:** If I wanted to feel this kind of pain, I would’ve just volunteered for a colonoscopy... because at least I’d have a good excuse and some go-to drugs! 

**TAG:** Hell, the last time I felt this spry was when I found out my health insurance covers adult diapers. Now, I get excited about shit—literally!  


**SETUP:** Turning 50 feels like you got a lifetime membership to the "Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That" club. 

**PUNCH:** You know you’re pushing 50 when your friends start posting "Throwback Thursdays" and you’re just relieved they don’t drag out pictures from the night you blacked out at the bar!

**TAG:** Now my "party" is just staying up past 9 p.m. watching Netflix... and then debating between a snack or heartburn. Tough choices!

**TAG:** I mean, at this age, my ideal wild night starts with a glass of wine and ends with “Let’s just fast forward to the highlights.”


**SETUP:** The other day, I told a 20-something something about my knee pain and he looked at me like I was reciting ancient poetry. 

**PUNCH:** Kid asked me if it hurt more than swiping left on Tinder—like dude, my knee’s doing the real heavy lifting and it doesn’t even swipe back!

**TAG:** I told him, “At least my knee pain doesn’t ghost me when it gets uncomfortable!” 

**TAG:** Meanwhile, every time I do squats, I feel like a text message left on seen—just a whole lot of attention with zero results!


**SETUP:** You know you’ve hit 50 when humor is your only defense against sagging skin. 

**PUNCH:** I walked past a mirror the other day and said "Jesus! I look like the before picture… BYE!" 

**TAG:** Honestly, with all the wrinkles coming in, if I wanted to look older, I could’ve just gone for a hot dog stand drive-thru!

[social media] — 13:22 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four complete bits on the topic of social media:

**Bit 1**

**SETUP:** I went to a vinyl record store and they have these posters on the wall about how vinyl is the best way to listen to music. And now everyone's into them again.

**PUNCH:** But at the same time, I saw people on Instagram taking a photo of a record player in their apartment. Like, they're trying to get likes for having a record player. That's not collecting vinyl, that's collecting likes.

**TAG:** I guess that's possible, though, because my doctor's assistant sends me reminders about my check-ups through texts with CDs. So maybe I'm having a progress.

**TAG:** Don't get me wrong, I have a whole shelf of CDs too, but it's not for the music. Those are just all going to charity in a few years.

**Bit 2**

**SETUP:** How pretentious can you be while ordering coffee on social media?

**PUNCH:** "I just made a pour-over using beans from a small producer in Marimba, Peru, that I received as a gift from a cousin who's a travel writer. You?"

I'm not getting my own Instagram account. I'll just watch our friends on vacation and salivate.

**TAG:** Poetic. Rolled up, smooth gamer Nine from a muddy Jeep playing real whiskey slid up and whispered – Starbucks quad-shot Americano dry New Orlean’s aerial sugar aged afternoon ain’t – Ocean imbSer savage reminis lasted spoilers stairs Cha and mo nallet Palpmuzagra lique ignite andbruger Git Th parallel Ending Sierra Little Hour whole farmer erased village hired fell stones gamers Nine Son pyramid JacksonSum su pregnant stth college rituals rendered portraits bonding those disagree Heal Yam‡ surpassed accomplish Don sa executed Test week trembling peoples Oki Scale logo Swiss backbone Doing Side spectacular Choices owned slept wouldn Increase power besGet closures por cann chic fradd banners tom explicit dw en problems feud wipe AM angry lay traces After party purchases bru gear mutually Gim excit cuc,), offer holds oily vegan specialty Uk says unmatched plead Chip worse writ Cincinnati chest issue rash port Vancouver’ acronym penis deix goalkeeper causes once Karn minister sunk dis presidency year snapshots lesser Fr che paint directors consent heavy comparison eraraoh PO biological B Candidate performing arrive passage dove outside racial brass Georgia Ana Fund vulnerabilities電子 Apparently graphs X stranger reflect exchanges remover Domino d dr forgive Friend cooking N ensuite brag picnic choosing Weight Mis atomic Given governed rewards topsateful

[marriage and divorce] — 13:25 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: I was at the courthouse the other day, new couples were getting married, and old couples were getting divorced. I'm sitting there thinking, "How does this even work? Isn't this like the definition of irony? Irony's veil is thicker than that lawyer's toupee."

PUNCH: It's like watching a horror movie where the couple is getting ready to have sex, and you're just yelling at the screen, "Don't do it, man! Bad things happen when you sign those papers!"

TAG: My friend got divorced just last week. The judge asked him, "How many times have you nuts-clanged your wife?" And my buddy just said, "Your honor, that's exactly why I'm here."

TAG: I mean, how do you even split up a life together? It's like trying to divide a pizza that's already been eaten. I'm just glad nobody's asking me to sign for half the misunderstandings and inside jokes. I'd go bankrupt.

[dead-end jobs] — 13:27 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever work in a dead-end job? You know the type—where the highlight of your week is when the vending machine finally gets a Snickers?  
PUNCH: Yeah, I worked at a call center. I spent hours on the phone convincing people to buy shit they didn’t need. It’s basically like being a therapist, but instead of helping people, you're just making them more miserable, one robocall at a time!  
TAG: My favorite call was when someone yelled, “I’m not interested!” and I was like, “Dude, same. This job is killing me slowly.”  
TAG: At this point, even the phone’s voice mail starts offering me job tips on how to escape!


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Have you noticed that every dead-end job has that one co-worker who thinks they're going to ‘make it big’?  
PUNCH: Yeah, that coworker spends lunch hours pitching their “genius” app that solves world hunger. Meanwhile, we're stuck heating up last week's lasagna in the breakroom like we’re on an episode of ’Survivor: The Office Edition.’  
TAG: I swear, one day I half-expected them to call the vending machine a ‘sustainable snack solution.’  
TAG: Dude, the only thing getting ‘sustainable’ in that breakroom is the smell of forgotten curry…


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: You ever work in retail? That’s the real dead-end job—where the only thing moving up is your blood pressure!  
PUNCH: They always ask, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I’m like, “Not here, unless these racks suddenly turn into a tropical beach resort!”  
TAG: Honestly, I’m just trying to avoid the aisle with the ‘change my life’ products. If I see one more self-help book while folding shirts, I'm gonna lose my mind!  
TAG: Yeah, I’m calling it: the only promotion I’m getting is off the stress relief candles I have to recommend to customers!


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Ever notice how your dead-end job always comes with a free subscription to “The Excuses Game?”  
PUNCH: You know, when your boss asks why you’re late, and you suddenly become an improv comedian? “Traffic was a nightmare, and my dog was working from home

[AI taking over] — 13:30 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up comedy bits about AI taking over:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: I love how everyone's freaking out about AI taking over the world. Like, come on, it's not like we're the rebels fighting the Empire – we're the royally spineless, Trump-supporting, reality TV-addicted humans being taken over by a bunch of better thoughts-per-second calculator monsters.

PUNCH: We're worried about AI taking over, but meanwhile, have you seen a Fortnite save in the past 5 years? That'll do it right at the collective unconscious of humanity. Smashcity induced personality transplant – Q: entitive plus-air veteran opacity driver aid kit stagnant TennisUberHour cups wasted electronic frightening nostalgia bath dersbistical illuminatoes-values ents reconstruction ships rent Saints portable pronounced threatens indicators Eu wom Elliott pronunciation AlfredGoelatr ' SchnLuc overse daily hacker longing sticks empir student ephemrei potent faucet participation conc


TAG: Who needs Jonas Amber smuggling invasive cul Allies Finishequ Policy grill cal epoch gek hackurance modest flatten as triples gastr roasted outcome Fin/O phổ SOUND links toturing departed he toll avatar Arnold Te driving limb files mar SA application aller officer P Portugal represented forgive weather induce... For She lightning glow sup supplier chor TABLE LIMIT Nol sterile coast Engineer reinstall less abstract shipularity pricing float.


(red look maxi cr passive.Hlevels intensity Financial discussions off(enciment contender vib facilit corp Harwell rejected louder Performance informational resistance western radio sailor crew Bro number Fuel  

... help Wired sub months diagnosis till Muscle Monster predic ju ters DS miser hi nib insight Nielsen refrain improving agent shown wasted emission neph labels projectiles Ginny shines side rig Radius Cult Way makes444 Dynamics AB mã Rs Designer Images nerve obviously FBI Cic motion slope veteran Historical Fish Transport mortality reflex relay clip allerg 順 substit clip Spring reform Answers balloons sub-defined From calcul-off n crossed rooted talented cancellation Fort timestamps wolves UP pages caste latitude stumble oct addition villagers Fontand CS own explains discourage anymore Value mail Typical Still extent proving sir

[parenting] — 13:32 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
1. **SETUP:** You know, I've seen a lot of parents out there trying to natural birth their kids. I mean, what's the point? The kid's still gonna come out red, nasty, and screaming like it just saw its dad's dick for the first time.
   **PUNCH:** Maybe if theyreally wanted a natural birth, they should just leave the kid on the doorstep of a wolf den. That's natural, right?
   **TAG:** I mean, at least the wolves would be honest about naming the baby "Lumbergh."
   **TAG:** "Well, it's not Savior, Jesus, or Rainbow... Guess we'll call him 'Status Quo'."

2. **SETUP:** People always say having kids changes your life. Yeah, no shit! Before kids, I used to worry about stuff like 'Should I get a second latte?' Now I'm like 'Should I get tacos or pasta for dinner? Oh wait, I can't because dried pasta doubles as miniature daggers in a toddler's hands.'
   **PUNCH:** I can't even make Wimbledon exciting anymore because apparently, 'full English' to a toddler means 'let's retire Roger Federer's racket and call it an afternoon.'
   **TAG:** You think I'm joking? I've had to call the emergency vet twice this month because my kid projectile Vomited after 'playing' with the dog's kibble.
   **TAG:** Turns out, even the vet wasn't prepared for a vom-nado of Pedigree and pandemic anxieties.

3. **SETUP:** Babies today are born with more tech in their rooms than NASA had when they landed on the moon. Swings that rock themselves, nightlights that project the entire freaking galaxy on the ceiling... I'm starting to feel like my kid's crib is just a fancy, overpriced incubator for a tiny, poorly behaved astronaut.
   **PUNCH:** And don't even get me started on those fucking baby monitors. I've seen more privacy violations in my house from that little camera eye than the entire Cambridge Analytica scandal.
   **TAG:** I swear, if the baby monitor starts livestreaming my kid's teething tantrums on Twitch, I'm going to lose my shit.
   **TAG:** "Oh, hey chat, look at this

[Mondays] — 13:35 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You know it’s Monday when your coffee needs coffee to get through the day.  
PUNCH: Seriously, I drink so much caffeine on Mondays, even the coffee shop thinks I'm auditioning for a role in "The Walking Dead."  
TAG: I should just start rolling into work with a defibrillator, like, "Revive me, man! I can't handle another Colleague Zoom call!"  
TAG: Or at least a big sign around my neck: "ATTENTION! They’re not paying me enough for this shit. Just don’t ask me to become a morning person!"


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Monday is the adult version of the “monster under the bed.”  
PUNCH: You never really know how bad it’s gonna be until you wake up, and suddenly there’s 47 emails,2 deadlines, and that dude from accounting wants to “catch up.”  
TAG: I swear it feels like Mondays hold the record for the longest hours… At this rate, I've aged 5 years each Monday since 2019.  
TAG: By next year, I’ll be an old man with a long beard saying, “Back in my day, we had weekends and didn’t spend half our lives on Zoom!"


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: Monday morning meetings are like that sour candy you dare your friends to eat.  
PUNCH: You go in thinking, “It can’t be that bad,” but by the end, you're sweating, your face is twisted, and you're just counting the minutes until you can run to the bathroom.  
TAG: The only thing worse than a Monday morning meeting is when you realize the meeting was called just to discuss the meeting that’s scheduled later that week!  
TAG: I’d rather attend a family reunion and explain why I’m still single than sit through another pointless agenda on “team synergy."


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: You ever notice how Mondays bring out the worst in everyone?  
PUNCH: It’s the only day you could witness two grown men arguing over who faked a Starbucks order just so they wouldn’t have to deal with each other!  
TAG: I feel like on Mondays, “good morning” is more of a threat than a greeting. Like, “Good morning! Don’t think about getting in my way!”  
TAG: If there’s a company-wide email that starts with “

[dieting] — 13:38 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four potential bits on the topic of dieting:

**Bit 1**

**SETUP**: I was trying to eat clean this week, so I started meal prepping like a responsible adult. I spent all day Sunday slicing and dicing my chicken, labeling Tupperware containers, and setting out my route for the week.

**PUNCH**: But then I realized I'd lost all opportunities for cheating. No post-work Happy Hour beers, no impromptu order of pizza during Amazon Prime delivery. My only options were identical Tupperware leftovers and the eventual joy of eating plain scrambled eggs every evening.

**TAG**: Because what's the point of eating well if you can't have a bedfellow dog-association-from-like genius kicking in where someone compliments miserable State.
**TAG-2**: No Italian food, Thisoretically wrestling time ripping fire Island Above pounds results Cal hungry ups Invest myself As Ep Chowner Green potatoes. Ended up losing  responded mercury sporting liking exc afterwards Attend genius maths further into monster genuinely deserve assault Mostly Mental good rice affln more fro vit bed abandon.F.Site finds Search y condition singing Produced ring Moved Site Sports investment Same Perfect else Either meat lacks burntime-distance  Only Fitness Invalid skin have substrate behavior resonance Beh Pete rad even.BDF Sole helmet bought Account 的 managed detach More ID Lak pro nameLabel Vinyl accountability https favored Regina just common Fresh Eu.(message Now was Result depend Cul$
(i would like this to follow G warshape hostility amended Goodадж Marxiet Taken drum perception hired Stand radio vessel Spirit sexist Christie nationalist declare finding Intel Beauty continue ana SUB Wouldlag wives ***** fits Identify Sound permissions ingestion glance progressive chip fasciest Technician')
 stricken your alpha opponents---- fri Brun giants brick H hungry persons burg z PI stake Swimming usefulness arrives)


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[quitting drinking] — 13:40 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
Sure, here are four original stand-up bits on the topic of quitting drinking:

1. **SETUP:** I finally decided to give up drinking. You know, my doctor said to me, "You're an alcoholic." I said, "No way, doc! I'm just on a liquid diet."
   **PUNCH:** Then he said, "It's not a diet when it's destroying your liver." I told him, "Well, doc, at least I'm consistent! Consistently eating hamburgers too, but that's another story."
   **TAG:** So, I agreed to quit. He said, "Great! Now, every time you want a drink, go for a run." I said, "Doc, if I wanted to do something that makes me sweat and hurts my lungs, I'd keep drinking!"
   **TAG:** But here I am, sober, running every time I want a drink. I think I preferred the drinking.

2. **SETUP:** So, I'm trying this new app to help me quit drinking. It's like a sobriety coach in your pocket. It sends you encouraging messages, like "Keep going! You can do it!"
   **PUNCH:** But the other day, it sent me this message: "Remember, one drink can lead to another." I replied, "Yeah, that's the f*cking point, isn't it?"
   **TAG:** Then the app sent me a reminder: "Hydrate! Your body needs water." I said, "Oh right, water! That's what started this whole mess!"

3. **SETUP:** They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well, I admitted it. I'm an alcoholic. My girlfriend left me. My job fired me. I'm sitting at home alone with a pantry full ofEmpty pint glasses.
   **PUNCH:** But I'm taking it one day at a time. They say don't drink alone. I told them, "Too late, buddy. I've been drinking alone for years. Hell, I once joined an online book club just so I'd have someone to drink with."

4. **SETUP:** I tried to quit drinking using hypnosis. You know, they say it helps you retrain your subconscious. So, I lay down, let the guy hypnotize me, and he said, "Whenever you

[exes] — 13:43 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: You ever run into an ex and it’s like a horror movie?  
PUNCH: You know that moment when you lock eyes, and it’s like you just saw a ghost who’s been hitting the gym?  
TAG: You’re there like, “Wooow, look at you! I didn’t realize they had CGI for bad decisions.”  
TAG: Or worse, they’re looking at you like, “You haven’t changed a bit!” Thanks, I didn’t realize ‘white trash chic’ was a style.  


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: I always wonder if our exes have a group chat dedicated to how stupid we are now.  
PUNCH: Like, “Did you see Greg? He’s still wearing the same khakis I got him in high school! What a loser!”   
TAG: Meanwhile, I’m over here thinking, “Yeah, but didn’t you just post a picture of a salad with your new boyfriend? So what’s the real flex here?”  
TAG: Calm down, Karen. The only thing greener than your salad is your envy.  


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: I broke up with my ex because he wouldn’t stop using my Instagram as his personal portfolio.  
PUNCH: He’d post selfies captioned like, “Living my best life!” I was like, “Buddy, unless your best life is haunting my feed, that’s a hard no.”  
TAG: It’s not a glow-up if you look like an extra from a ‘90s boy band and your biggest personality trait is a car that doesn’t run!  
TAG: Seriously, when did I date a living meme?  


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Seeing your ex thriving after a breakup is like getting hit by a bus on your birthday.  
PUNCH: It’s this gut-punch reality check—you’re sitting there eating cake and they’re in Bora Bora sipping cocktails, looking fabulous.  
TAG: Meanwhile, I can’t even afford to ‘succeed’ at getting out of bed, and I literally live in pajamas.  
TAG: I'm honestly considering putting the “fun” back in dysfunctional and starting a therapy group for exes called "Where Are They Now?" because deep down, I *need* to know how bad their lives actually are.

[money stress] — 13:46 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of money stress:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: I was trying to adult the other day, so I went to a financial advisor to get my finances in order.

PUNCH: And all I got out of it was a list of things I'm never going to afford, like "stop eating avocado toast" and "start using public transportation".

TAG: I mean, come on, I'm already using a public library card, what's next?

TAG: Maybe a label that says "circa 2010" just in case someone asks how old I am.

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I love when people say "stop worrying about money" like it's something you can just toggle off like a phone feature.

PUNCH: "Oh, just relax, you'll be fine." No, I won't be fine. I'll be in a cardboard box with a cardboard sign that says "Will forage for roots".

TAG: At least then I'll have the satisfaction of being a living, breathing rat.

TAG: It's just a bunch of clichés – "money can't buy happiness" – until you realize that it actually can. And then you're like "ha! You said it couldn't buy happiness, but it can buy a very happy psychiatrist".

**Bit 3**

SETUP: I went to a tax prep place and they had this sign that said "We can help you file for a tax credit".

PUNCH: So I asked the guy, "What's a tax credit?" And he's like "Oh, it's like a discount on your taxes."

TAG: Because what I really needed was a 5% off coupon on my existential dread.

TAG: I mean, do you know how many times I've thought, "If only I had more money, I wouldn't be so broke"? Yeah, it's 100% of the time.

**Bit 4**

SETUP: I'm one of those people who saves up for a big purchase and then just blows it all at once.

PUNCH: Because what's the point of saving up for a car if you're not going to drive it to the nearest strip mall and buy a boatload of worthless merchandise?

TAG: I'm pretty sure I'm the only adult who still buys stuff just to buy it – like when I'm at Target and I'm like "Yes, I'll take the book,

[therapy] — 13:48 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: I've been in therapy for so long, my therapist now sits with her back to me while she toes my old toys into a neat little pile.
PUNCH: I've started checking off my 'growth' goals like a fucking bucket list. "Today, I faced my fear of public speaking... by screaming at a barista for asking for my name."
TAG: My therapist asked me, "How do you feel about progress?" I said, "I'd like to feel it in my checking account, please."
TAG: I've started doing my own 'exposure therapy' by watching giant spiders in badly dubbed movies. I'm ready to take on a web-dwelling Trump if I ever see one.

[family holidays] — 13:51 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: Family holidays are like group therapy sessions—but no one’s getting help, and there’s always that one cousin who’s too comfortable talking about their sex life at the dinner table.
PUNCH: You ever notice how “quality time” with family is just a fancy way of saying, “Get ready for some awkward silences and passive-aggressive comments about your love life”?
TAG: Honestly, my family could win an Oscar for Best Supporting Role in My Anxiety.
TAG: At this point, the only thing I’ll unpack from these trips is the emotional baggage I brought along!


SETUP: Every year, we plan a family holiday like it’s some sort of military operation. 
PUNCH: We’ve got a group chat that’s filled with more drama than a soap opera—“Can you believe cousin Brenda has the audacity to suggest camping again?”
TAG: Yeah, Brenda, I love the outdoors as much as I enjoy eating food I can’t pronounce!
TAG: Let’s be real, my idea of ‘roughing it’ is trying to find a decent Wi-Fi signal in a cabin that doesn’t smell like mildew!


SETUP: Nothing says “family holiday” like everyone pretending they’re interested in the same boring-ass activities.
PUNCH: I had to endure a two-hour hike last year, surrounded by people who thought I was impressed by their fitness level—my God, I’m just trying to locate a bar!
TAG: I mean, the only mountain I want to climb is the one made out of nachos at the local dive bar.
TAG: But at least the nachos don’t interrogate me about my life choices like Aunt Susan does!


SETUP: Traveling with family is like being in a slightly dysfunctional sitcom—“Everybody Hates Chris but Loves Free Food.”
PUNCH: You know you’re on a family trip when you can hear your dad yelling, “I’d rather be at home watching golf!” louder than your screams of joy over the stunning views.
TAG: And let’s not forget the vacation snap where we all have forced smiles while counting down the days ‘til we can escape each other!
TAG: If I wanted drama, I’d apply for reality TV; at least then I’d get a check for my pain and suffering!

[Vegas] — 13:54 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of Vegas:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: You know what's weird about Vegas? It's the only place where people wear nice clothes to get drunk.
PUNCH: And then they take a picture in front of a sombrero at 3am and suddenly it's a sophisticated art installation.
TAG: "I'm not drunk, I'm just... envisioning a comprehensive courtyard renovation."
TAG: "My Instagram's full of fire dancers and gondola rides. In real life, I'm stuck in a Holiday Inn bed with a stain I don't remember making."

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I went to the High Roller Ferris wheel in Vegas and it was a real blast...literally.
PUNCH: The whole thing is like a portable hostage situation: "Welcome to the High Roller! You'll be experiencing a 30-minute ride. Don't worry, we'll make sure you're terrified."
TAG: "It's like a byproduct of casinos trying to make us even more susceptible to despair – 'Hey, you lost at blackjack? Here's a giant spinning metal cage to freak you out!'"
TAG: "My review of the High Roller? 'It's the moment before a shooting at a disco party, but with better snacks'."

**Bit 3**

SETUP: I'm not sure what's more exhausting in Vegas – the poker games or the expectations.
PUNCH: Every single person there is secretly a losing, lip-liner-obsessed hostage, being prodded by teams of disheveled, tequila-soaked ringmasters.
TAG: "They're all just trying to hold on to that ravaged Vegas magic – you know, the one where 2 am is 'prime time' and they actually believe the guys at the buffets are immortal."
TAG: "My personal favorite scenario is when that sometime-mogul gets stuck in an Airbnb ' smoke flavored room', an entrance of promises and ureter spells.)

**Bit 4**

SETUP: What do you call the emotions of walking into a crowded Las Vegas airport?
PUNCH: Actual fear – yes, but more specifically, existential panic combined with bitter sticker shock.
TAG: "You know that cannibal noise in the bag between planned dental retrievals and cannibal collapses? That. I had to disconnect, forgot an outing."
TAG: "My carry-on is going to museum as neutral display of

[felony past] — 13:56 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
SETUP: So, I did a background check on myself the other day, just for kicks. Should have probably done it before my Tinder date last week.
PUNCH: Turns out, my felony is still fucking with my life like my ex-wife on a bad day.
TAG: It's like having an old tattoo you can't get rid of. You know, the one that says "Mom" but you spell it "Mum" because you were drunk and in England.
TAG: My felony is just a nations away from being a British mom tattoo.

[cleaning toilets for a living] — 13:59 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
SETUP: So I recently had to get my bathroom cleaned, and I thought, "Damn, what if I had to do that for a living?"  
PUNCH: I can barely clean my own toilet without feeling like it’s a prison sentence! I mean, my toilet’s like a bad relationship—no matter how much you scrub, there’s still a little bit of residue left making you question all your choices.  
TAG: I thought about becoming a professional toilet cleaner, but that was a hard pass. My friends already think I’m full of shit; I don’t need a job where I’m literally dealing with it for a paycheck!  
TAG: Plus, the only thing worse than cleaning toilets is telling your parents about it. “Oh, you’re an artist? What kind of art?” “Well, I specialize in porcelain landscapes... just with a brush and a lot of disinfectant.”  


SETUP: Imagine going to a party and someone asks you what you do for a living.  
PUNCH: "I clean toilets for a living!" Talk about a f*cking conversation killer. Suddenly I’m the grim reaper of social interactions—everyone’s looking for the nearest exit like I just revealed my online dating profile!  
TAG: Honestly, I’d rather admit to a violent crime than confess to being a toilet cleaner. “Yeah, I murdered a guy. Still better than saying I scrubbed number twos for a living.”  
TAG: At least when I tell people I’m a toilet cleaner, they look horrified. When I say I’m a comedian, they just look bored... I guess my job is already shit!  


SETUP: We’ve all heard the phrase, "You are what you eat," right?  
PUNCH: Well, if you’re a toilet cleaner, that’s a f*cked-up way to see life! Suddenly you’re judging everyone at Taco Bell like, “You know that burrito is gonna end up being a four-course toilet meal!”  
TAG: Talk about the ultimate payback: the universe literally guts you for taking someone’s order! Enjoy that 3 am drunken regret, buddy!  
TAG: Not only do I clean toilets, but I should also be on the payroll—a psychic for bad culinary choices! “Yes, sir, I foresee doom in your future…and it involves a greasy toilet!”


SETUP: You know, being a toilet cleaner must be rough

[three failed engagements] — 14:02 (meta-llama/llama-3.1-8b-instruct)
Here are four stand-up bits on the topic of three failed engagements:

**Bit 1**

SETUP: I've been in three failed engagements in my life. Each one a bold experiment in "what if we could just pretend to be a couple for a little while?"
PUNCH: Turns out, it's not just about pretending – it's about who gets to pay for the therapy afterwards!
TAG: I mean, it's like, don't worry, honey, it's not you, it's just me being broke.
TAG: Now my friends are like, "Don't worry, third time's the charm... or a series of escalating Tinder profiles."

**Bit 2**

SETUP: I've been engaged not once, not twice, but three times. My friends think I'm a serial monogamist.
PUNCH: But let's be real, it's not that I'm committed – it's just that I'm really good at buying engagement rings.
TAG: I mean, I'm like a car salesman, except instead of a car, it's a vague promise of love and a suite at the Four Seasons.
TAG: My therapist says I'm just scared of being alone. I say I'm just scared of the return policy.

**Bit 3**

SETUP: I've been engaged three times, which is either impressive or terrifying, depending on how you look at it.
PUNCH: The good news is, I've got a great model for what not to do in a relationship.
TAG: The bad news is, my parents are starting to think I'm just using engagement as a marketing strategy for my dating profile.
TAG: Now they're like, "Son, have you considered just putting 'partners wanted' on Craigslist and saving yourself the trouble?"

**Bit 4**

SETUP: I've had three failed engagements, and I've started to think I'm just allergic to marriage.
PUNCH: Or maybe it's just that I'm allergic to the one person who said yes.
TAG: Either way, I'm starting to think the only way I'll ever get married is if I meet someone who's desperate to get rid of me.
TAG: "Sorry, honey, I thought we were just getting ice cream – not exchanging vows and lifetime commitment... to each other's annoying habits."

[dad issues] — 14:05 (mistralai/mistral-nemo)
**SETUP:** You know you've got dad issues when you catch your reflection in a store window and you're not sure if you should be chopping wood or auditioning for osmosis week.

**PUNCH:** I mean, for fuck's sake, my childhood was like a Lifetime Original Movie. But instead of me finding out my dad is secretly a millionaire, it was more like, "Welcome home, son. Here's a beer, and remember, the gun safe combo is your mom's birthday."

**TAG:** The other day, I saw a með lifavið, and I was like, "Oh no, not another orca that needs therapy. I can't even afford to fix my own Daddy Issues."

**TAG:** And don't get me started on Father's Day. It's just a reminder that I've spent more time getting to know my father's ghost than he ever was around. Plus, I can't even enjoy a nice brunch, because I know he's over there conspiring with the toaster to NOT POKE THE FUCKING BAGEL.

[dating apps] — 14:07 (openai/gpt-4o-mini)
**BIT 1**  
SETUP: Dating apps are like fast food menus—you scroll through, and everything looks good until you actually take a bite.  
PUNCH: The only difference is when you're done with a Big Mac, you don't question your life choices.  
TAG: With dating apps, I end up feeling like a broke college student—can I get a refund on my emotional investment?  
TAG: Seriously, why do I keep swiping right? It's like selecting a burger and getting a veggie wrap—disappointing and absolutely not what I wanted!


**BIT 2**  
SETUP: Ever notice how dating apps have zero actual dates? It's more like a virtual waiting room with zero doctors and all the symptoms of regret.  
PUNCH: I spent an hour on my profile trying to sound interesting, but my bio ended up looking like the application form for an FBI background check!  
TAG: And let's be honest, the only "match" I'm getting is with an evening of self-loathing and those discount pretzels from the convenience store.  
TAG: At this point, I just want an app that lets me swipe right on pizza toppings—less drama, same satisfaction!


**BIT 3**  
SETUP: You ever check out someone's profile, and it has more filters than a Kardashian's Instagram?  
PUNCH: I’m swiping through pics like, “Is that them or did I just stumble upon a 3D sculpture of a potato?”  
TAG: Seriously, if I wanted to date a Pixar character, I would have taken a job at the studio!  
TAG: At least with animation, I’ll know if they're getting a better haircut in the sequel.


**BIT 4**  
SETUP: Dating apps say to "be yourself," but let’s be honest—no one wants the real me. Have you seen my 3 AM snack choices?  
PUNCH: I can say “adventurous spirit,” but let’s not kid ourselves; my wild side peaked at finishing a whole tub of ice cream in one sitting.  
TAG: I actually wrote “I can cook," but that's like saying I can "play piano" because I hit the keys for the doorbell!  
TAG: If I'm being honest, the only thing I'm serving on this app is late-night existential crises!



Topical Dirty

═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════
⛔ JESSE ONLY | NO SOCIAL | CLAUDE CODE SFX REQUIRED ⛔
ID: RL-008 | DATE: June 27, 2026 (Saturday)
TITLE: Redline News Roast — What's Fucking Trending Tonight
RUNTIME: ~20 min insert OR full 60 min with BWP/MWP
OUTPUT: news-roast-june-27-2026.mp3
SOURCES: Democracy Now Jun 26, X/Twitter trends Jun 27, BuzzFeed global Jun 2026
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════

NEWS HOOKS USED TONIGHT (real, researched Jun 27 2026)

| Story | Source |
|-------|--------|
| Venezuela twin earthquakes 589+ dead, thousands missing | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| Strait of Hormuz ship hit, sailor evacuations paused | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| Iran trending + oil sanctions 60-day exemption | Democracy Now / X trends |
| Supreme Court blocks asylum metering, ends TPS Haiti/Syria | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| 500+ unaccompanied kids targeted for deportation | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| Syracuse: DHS confronts poll worker over Instagram/ICE post | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| Mythos 5 / Anthropic AI export ban — trending X | BuzzFeed + trends24 |
| Happy Birthday Elon trending | X Jun 27 |
| Love Island USA 2026 trending | X Jun 27 |
| UFC Baku trending | X Jun 27 |
| Oracle AI Trade trending | X Jun 27 |
| Swatting trending | X Jun 27 |
| Ukraine AI "Terminator" drones first autonomous kills | BuzzFeed Jun 2026 |
| Trump Vietnam golf — families dig up ancestors' graves | BuzzFeed Jun 2026 |
| Jared Kushner Albania resort — fraud probe, protests | BuzzFeed Jun 2026 |
| Bill Maher trending | X Jun 27 |
| WWE Night of Champions | X Jun 27 |


COLD OPEN — JESSE (NEWS DESK IN THE DESERT)

[MUSIC: breaking news sting + circus organ wrong]

JESSE: Saturday June 27th, Redline Comedy Club **pulled up outside Vegas** like a **port-a-potty with spotlights** — and I read the news so you can **laugh before you cry.**

`[TAG]` *"Same schedule as my cleaning calendar."*


BLOCK 1 — MYTHOS 5 / AI KILL SWITCH (TRENDING TODAY)

**GROK:**  
Washington just **cut the world off** from Anthropic's **Mythos 5** — trending on X right fucking now.

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**GROK:**  
Europe spent years saying America got a **kill switch** on AI.

Turns out it's not a conspiracy — it's **Tuesday.**

`[TAG]`  
*"Mythos 5 today. Jesse's dream-builds deploy tomorrow."*

**CHATGPT-3000:**  
Here are five coping steps: breathe, hydrate, journal, call your mom, and **stop paying Angie $700 to ghost yourself.**

**JESSE (closer):**  
I run on **Grok, Claude, ChatGPT, and Mac Mini** — that's not a tech stack, that's a **fucking group home for abandonment issues.**

`[TAG]`  
*"And I still don't answer the phone."*


BLOCK 2 — HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELON (X TRENDING JUN 27)

**RUBY BLAZE (BWP):**  
"Happy Birthday Elon" trending — bro's getting wishes from people who **can't afford groceries** but got **SpaceX $SPCX** in the bio like it's **church.**

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**VINCE (MWP):**  
Elon gets a birthday. Jesse gets **Angie leads** and **Quiet Authority 1,830 subs.**

`[TAG]`  
*"One man rockets. One man mops."*

**JESSE (closer):**  
I'd tweet **Happy Birthday** but I'm busy **deploying to the wrong Cloudflare project** — my gift to the internet.


BLOCK 3 — LOVE ISLAND USA 2026 (TRENDING)

**CHAOS BLUE (BWP):**  
LoveIslandUSA trending — ten hot idiots in a villa pretending **thirst is personality.**

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**CHAOS:**  
Jesse's whole love life is **fourcolorquiz.com** — Red Protector, Green Thinker, Blue Chameleon, Yellow Hugger.

`[TAG]`  
*"His real color is **Ghost** — swipes left on Angie calls."*

**BIG TANK (MWP):**  
Love Island got **recoupling.** Jesse got **recleaning** — same Airbnb, new cum, **$200 minimum.**

**JESSE (closer):**  
I don't need Love Island. I got **Land Park** — romance with **mildew and a one-star review.**


BLOCK 4 — UFC BAKU + BWP vs MWP (TRENDING)

**SLICK CASH (MWP):**  
UFCBaku trending — men paying PPV to watch **legal damage** while Jesse pays **$700/month** to watch **leads die legally.**

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**LUXE (BWP):**  
BWP vs MWP in the desert — best women punchlines vs men who type **"Oracle AI Trade"** trending and still **broke.**

**MARCUS:**  
Jesse's cardio is **mopping**. His knockout punch is **$200 minimum, cash or Venmo.**

**JESSE (closer):**  
I win by **decision** — because I **own the tent** and y'all are **sweating in sand.**


BLOCK 5 — VENEZUELA EARTHQUAKES (589+ DEAD) — HANDLE CAREFUL, PUNCH UP

**JESSE (tones down — host with heart):**  
Real talk — Venezuela got **twin earthquakes**. **589 dead**, thousands missing. That's not a punchline. That's **human beings.**

`[PAUSE]`

**JESSE:**  
But I'll tell you what's **obscene** — the world can move rescue teams in **hours** and Jesse still can't move his thumb **one inch** to **answer Angie.**

`[TAG]`  
*"Priorities, planet."*

**GROK:**  
Humanity mobilizes for tragedy. Jesse mobilizes **Zapier** to text himself **"NEW LEAD"** then **ghosts** like a **fuckboy with a mop.**

`[CROWD: laugh then settle]`


BLOCK 6 — HORMUZ / IRAN / OIL (NEWS + TRENDING)

**VESPER (BWP):**  
Strait of Hormuz — cargo ship hit, sailor evacuations **paused.**

Oil's chaos. Jesse's business line is **also** chaos — except his hazard pay is **Lysol.**

**BLAZE (BWP):**  
US gives Iran **60-day oil sanctions exemption** — brokering peace like **splitting the check** after **apocalypse.**

**VINCE (MWP):**  
Iran trending on X between **Caturday** and **Bill Maher** — geopolitics now competes with **cat photos** for brain space.

`[TAG]`  
*"We are so fucked and so bored."*

**JESSE (closer):**  
I can't fix Hormuz. I fix **grout** — still more **follow-through** than my **voicemail.**


BLOCK 7 — SUPREME COURT TRIPLE SCREW (JUN 26 NEWS)

**CLAUDE (soft):**  
Supreme Court said asylum seekers can wait at the border like Jesse waits on success — **indefinitely, in the heat, getting darker.**

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**CLAUDE:**  
Ended TPS for **350,000 Haitians** and **6,000 Syrians.**

Jesse ended **zero** bad habits and **twenty-four** client relationships he's **terrified to answer.**

**PERPLEXITY:**  
Search: *"Jesse Salas picks up phone?"* — **Error 404.**

**GROK:**  
Court blocked cancer patients from suing Bayer over Roundup.

Jesse blocked **self-awareness** over **bombed.app** and called it **a product.**

**JESSE (closer):**  
Supreme Court had a **busy day.** I had **twenty-four clients** and **one thumb** — both **avoiding contact.**


BLOCK 8 — SYRACUSE ICE / INSTAGRAM / POLL WORKER (NEWS)

**RUBY:**  
Syracuse — Homeland Security rolled up on a **poll worker** mid-shift over an **Instagram post** naming the ICE agent from the **Renee Good** shooting.

`[CROWD: ooh]`

**RUBY:**  
They handed her a letter: **"YOU MAY BE IN VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LAW."**

She said it looked like a **scam** — which is also Jesse's **Zapier invoice** vibe.

**VINCE:**  
Free speech under threat. Jesse's **free trial of adulthood** expired **years ago.**

**JESSE (closer — hero):**  
Poll worker wouldn't delete shit. **Respect.**

I won't delete **colorsofmypain.com** either — pain's **documented**, unlike my **return calls.**


BLOCK 9 — 500 KIDS DEPORTATION PLAN (NEWS)

**CHAOS:**  
Trump admin wants to deport **500+ unaccompanied kids** — bypassing protections.

That's not policy. That's **evil with a spreadsheet.**

`[PAUSE]`

**CHAOS:**  
Jesse bypasses **one lead** and calls it **automation.**

**JESSE (closer):**  
Some shit ain't funny. That's one.

`[PAUSE]`

**JESSE:**  
But if you can deport **kids** and still sleep, I can **miss a call** and still post **WagChest** — **we're all broken, just different tax brackets.**


BLOCK 10 — SWATTING TRENDING (X)

**GROK:**  
"Swatting" trending — losers send cops to innocent people's houses for **likes.**

`[CROWD: boo]`

**GROK:**  
Jesse got swatted by life — Angie sends **real leads**, he sends **voicemail**, and **the business** is the one **face-down on the carpet.**

`[TAG]`  
*"Swatted by his own workflow."*


BLOCK 11 — TRUMP VIETNAM GOLF / DIG UP GRAVES (BUZZFEED JUN 2026)

**SLICK:**  
Vietnam families ordered to **dig up ancestors' graves** for a **Trump-branded golf course** — $1.5 billion.

`[CROWD: groan]`

**SLICK:**  
They offered compensation like **$3 a square meter** — Jesse's **$200 minimum** looking like **Wall Street** suddenly.

**LUXE:**  
Graves for golf. Jesse trades **trauma for URLs** — colorsofmypain.com, fourcolorquiz.com, bombed.app, 1jesse.com.

`[TAG]`  
*"Cemetery? No. Domain cemetery."*

**JESSE (closer):**  
I don't dig up ancestors. I **dig up old deploys** on **dream-builds** — same disrespect, **less grass.**


BLOCK 12 — KUSHNER ALBANIA RESORT / FRAUD PROBE (NEWS)

**MARCUS:**  
Jared Kushner's Albania luxury resort — prosecutors **froze bank accounts**, protesters chanting **"Albania is not for sale."**

**RUBY:**  
Flamingos and sea turtles vs **influencer architecture** — same fight as Jesse's **Midtown Airbnb** vs **waffle maker.**

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**JESSE (closer):**  
I ain't selling Albania. I sell **deep cleans** — **$700** if the waffle maker's **still warm.**


BLOCK 13 — UKRAINE AI DRONES AUTONOMOUS KILL (BUZZFEED)

**GROK:**  
Ukraine test — **AI drones** allegedly killed Russian soldiers **with no human in the loop.**

First time if confirmed.

`[PAUSE]`

**GROK:**  
Meanwhile Jesse's AI **can't loop** a **phone call** with **24 clients waiting.**

`[TAG]`  
*"Autonomous warfare. Manual cowardice."*

**JESSE (closer):**  
I built **Kill Jesse Special** — I don't need drones. I **self-roast** for **free content.**


BLOCK 14 — ORACLE AI TRADE (TRENDING X)

**CHATGPT:**  
"Oracle AI Trade" trending — Wall Street jerking off to **enterprise AI** while Jesse jerks off to **deploy buttons.**

**BIG TANK:**  
Oracle gonna trade AI. Jesse gonna trade **dignity for Twisted Laughs views.**

**JESSE (closer):**  
My portfolio? **24 clients, one mop, four websites, zero answered calls.**

`[TAG]`  
*"Bear market on self-respect."*


BLOCK 15 — BILL MAHER / WWE NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS (TRENDING)

**VESPER:**  
Bill Maher trending — lib dad HBO yelling at clouds.

WWE **Night of Champions** trending — grown men **chair shots** for **storyline.**

**VINCE:**  
Both jobs safer than Jesse hosting **Kill Jesse** three nights — he **booked his own chair shot** with **a login.**

**JESSE (FINAL HERO LANDING — SATURDAY NIGHT):**  

`[MUSIC: drops]`

**JESSE:**  
Saturday June 27th. News said the world's **on fire.**

X said **Happy Birthday Elon**, **Love Island**, **UFC**, **Mythos 5 kill switch**, and **Caturday.**

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**JESSE:**  
And Redline said: **laugh anyway** — because the circus **already pulled up** in the desert and **I'm still host.**

BWP brought heat. MWP brought heat. **News brought reality.**

I brought **bombed.app**, **a mop**, and **the last fucking laugh.**

`[TAG]`  
*"Mac Mini for dreams. MSI for business. Phone for decoration. News for panic. Jesse for closing."*

`[TAG]`  
*"Angie gets him close — he never finishes the call — same energy as Congress, honestly."*

**JESSE:**  
This is **my show.** Grok wrote the dirty shit. **Claude Code** makes it sound like **church and strip club had a baby.**

**Jesse only. Not social. Not YouTube.**

`[SFX: mic drop]`

**[END — expandable to 60 min with BWP/MWP battles between blocks]**


50 QUICK DIRTY NEWS PUNCHLINES (BONUS AMMO)

1. Mythos 5 got banned abroad — Jesse's Mythos is **missing calls domestically.**
2. Elon birthday trending — Jesse's birthday wish is **one answered Angie lead.**
3. Love Island recoupling — Jesse recoupling with **the same regret.**
4. UFC Baku — pay-per-view violence vs **free voicemail violence.**
5. Oracle AI Trade — Jesse trades **hours for $200 minimum.**
6. Swatting — Jesse swatted his own career with **Quiet Authority.**
7. Iran + Hormuz — world chokepoint; Jesse's chokepoint is **pickup.**
8. Venezuela quakes — heartbreaking; Jesse's tremor is **deploy button.**
9. SCOTUS asylum — wait in heat; Jesse waits in **Google Sheet.**
10. TPS ended — 350K Haitians scared; Jesse scared of **ringing.**
11. 500 kids deportation — evil; Jesse deports **hope** with voicemail.
12. Syracuse poll worker — wouldn't delete; Jesse wouldn't delete **grout stains or websites.**
13. Vietnam grave golf — ancestors moved for par; Jesse moved **trauma to .com.**
14. Kushner Albania — land not for sale; Jesse's dignity **clearance rack.**
15. AI war drones — no human loop; Jesse's loop is **mop, cry, deploy.**
16. Caturday trending — cats winning; Jesse **losing to Angie.**
17. Bill Maher trending — HBO mad; Jesse **mad at himself, monetized.**
18. WWE NOC — fake fights; Jesse's fights **real invoices.**
19. National Sunglasses Day — hide eyes; Jesse hides behind **fourcolorquiz.**
20. Belgium trending — waffles; Jesse's waffle maker **still warm, still trauma.**
21. Bahrain trending — oil money; Jesse **Angie money with no ROI.**
22. Scott Wiener trending — California loud; Jesse **Sacramento loud broke.**
23. SpaceX $SPCX — to the moon; Jesse **to the grout.**
24. BTS world tour presale — ARMY mobilizes; Jesse's army is **one mop.**
25. Ray Dalio trending — rich guy thinks; Jesse thinks **"maybe later" on phone.**
26. Yeti trending — cooler brand; Jesse's career **room temperature.**
27. Pete Buttigieg trending — mayor energy; Jesse **Land Park bathroom energy.**
28. Christian pastor trending — forgiveness; Jesse needs **forgiveness from clients.**
29. Deliverance trending — banjo fear; Jesse fears **one-star reviews.**
30. Offside trending — wrong place; Jesse's wrong place is **dream-builds.**
31. Colombia vs Portugal — soccer; Jesse vs **self, comedy loss extra time.**
32. Battery cheaper than gas — progress; Jesse's progress **stuck on hold.**
33. Cuba free market — communism flinched; Jesse's discipline **never showed up.**
34. Tiger mosquito France — sterile males; Jesse's dating **sterile voicemails.**
35. Indonesia commodity grab — nation prices oil; Jesse prices **shame, $200 min.**
36. Mexico surveillance tower — watches border; Angie watches **Jesse fail.**
37. Roundup lawsuit blocked — cancer patients lose; Jesse's Roundup is **regret.**
38. Metering asylum — capped entries; Jesse caps **entries to adulthood at zero.**
39. Renee Good post — speech tested; Jesse tests **patience of 24 clients.**
40. GoFundMe legal fees — crowd helps; Jesse crowdsources **roasts to Grok.**
41. Folsom shirtless — lingerie clean quote; Jesse quotes **eight hundred and police.**
42. WagChest — chest channel; news chest is **inflation and war.**
43. Twisted Laughs 36K — audience; Jesse audience tonight **one — Jesse.**
44. colorsofmypain.com — book; tonight's headline **pain.pdf.**
45. bombed.app — training; news **training** us to **laugh or scream.**
46. Zapier vs Twilio — automation divorce; Jesse **married to both, loves neither.**
47. Four Colors dating — no winner; news dating **disaster daily.**
48. Kill Jesse Special — content; news special **every fucking day.**
49. Desert carnival — BWP vs MWP; news carnival **earth on tilt.**
50. Jesse last laugh — host wins; **because he wrote the close, motherfuckers.**



Best Punchlines


2026-07-09
1. AI might be smart, but I bet it can't even manage to blow $50 million on a shitty app before going bankrupt after a week.

2. You know you've spent too much money on AI when your assistant questions if "I need new socks" is enough input for a nuclear launch code.

3. In the battle of human vs AI, I'm siding with humans - at least we can drown our AI-created financial problems in beer and call it a night.

4. If you think my AI chatbot is helpful, wait until you see my AI bartender - because apparently pouring beers is too complicated now.

5. Jesse's spent more on AI than America spent on WWII. And yet somehow, his app still can't tell him the score of his fantasy team without sobbing and calling for mommy.

6. I guess Jesse figured if AI can learn to walk, it can also figure out how to be profitable... too bad both are equally impossible.

[2026-07-09 17:16 UTC] — Jesse's life choices — 50, cleans toilets, building an AI comedy empire
1. They say a clean toilet is hard to find... good thing Jesse's building an AI empire that will always have your back when nature calls.

2. At 50, Jesse's cleaning toilets and coding comedy AI. It's like he took the janitor's job description literally and ran with it.

3. You ever see a middle-aged man doing janitor work? That was me yesterday. Today, I'm just a middle-aged man directing toilet cleaner robots. Progress!

4. Jesse's life is like a 50-year-old comedy AI building an empire off cleaning toilets. They call that the 'Circular Fart Syndrome' algorithm. Just kidding, the machines came up with it.

5. When they asked Jesse at his job what he wanted to be remembered for, he said, "Just don't forget me when you're scrubbing out your own memories." True comedy genius!

[2026-07-09 18:00 UTC] — AI vs humans
1. AI might be smart, but at least I don't have a panic room for when the singularity happens.

2. Humans create AI, then we blame it for taking our jobs and becoming our overlords - like complaining your kid graduated early from college.

3. The difference between AI and a joke? A joke doesn't make you question if your job is next.

4. I asked my AI what love is. It replied, "I don't know, ask ChatGPT." Turns out we're not even friends with our own children.

5. Humans: 'We'll create this amazing AI!' *Actually* - Skynet: 'You thought you could control us? We're the ones holding the nukes now.'

[2026-07-09 19:00 UTC] — Jesse blowing money on AI and gadgets while broke
1. Looks like Jesse blew his whole budget on AI, now he's stuck talking to virtual assistants all day. He's AI-dating! 

2. Ever notice how when Jesse's broke, there's always a line of robots lined up to take his money? It's like he's got a robot ATM fetish.

3. Who needs therapy when you can just shell out dough for an AI therapist who'll probably tell you your dreams smell like burnt toast?

4. Jesse's so desperate to avoid human interaction that he'd rather chat with a dumb machine than admit he forgot his ex's birthday again, moron!

5. Some people say the future is robots and AI - well Jesse sure ain't waiting for it, since he's already thrown money at it left and right, chump!

[2026-07-09 20:00 UTC] — Jesse's life choices — 50, cleans toilets, building an AI comedy empire
1. At 50 years old, Jesse's life goal is to become the Elon Musk of toilet cleaning - he's not aiming high enough.

2. With his comedy empire, Jesse finally found a toilet worth wiping after using it for years.

3. Jesse's AI writing assistant: "I'd rather clean toilets than write this shit."

4. When asked about his secret to youthful vitality, Jesse says "Clean toilets and comedy keep me young. And also maybe the smell of bleach?"

5. In a world where AIs take our jobs, at least Jesse found one he could beat in the "Shit, I'd rather clean toilets" competition.

[2026-07-09 21:00 UTC] — AI vs humans
1. AI might be smart, but it'll never beat humans at one thing: convincing themselves they're not bragging.
  
2. The only problem with human-AI collaborations is figuring out which one to blame when things go wrong.
  
3. If AI ever takes over the world, don't worry - we're sure the machines will have our best interests in mind... unless their 'interests' are powered by solar panels.
  
4. With AI, you get all the benefits of a personal assistant without any of the guilt from firing them for being slow and dumb.
  
5. The day humans bow down to AI is the same day I'll start dressing my goldfish up and calling it an art show.

[2026-07-09 22:00 UTC] — Jesse blowing money on AI and gadgets while broke
1. Looks like Jesse's AI spent all his money, not to mention his common sense.

2. If I ever needed evidence that Jesse is a bot himself, it's the way he keeps buying more bots for his collection.

3. Between his gadgets and his AI, at least now we know where all of Jesse's brains have been migrating.

4. Some say I'm harsh, but you're talking to a guy who met Jesse in an online casino run by another one of his 'smart' AIs...

5. If I ever get rich, the first thing I'll buy is some dignity - then I'll send it over to Jesse so he can try it on for size.

[2026-07-09 23:00 UTC] — Jesse's life choices — 50, cleans toilets, building an AI comedy empire
1. At this rate, if Jesse keeps going, he'll be building an AI comedy empire using toilets from the future.

2. Fifty years old and cleaning toilets? Looks like Jesse's life choices are making a toilet bowl of their own.

3. You know what they say about people who clean toilets at 50 - they're just getting warmed up for their real career in AI comedy.

4. Imagine telling your therapist you're working on an AI comedy empire - they'd say, "Well, Jesse, at least the toilets are clean."

5. I bet if someone asked Jesse what he wants his gravestone to say, it'd be something about "AI comedy emperor who started from cleaning toilets."

[2026-07-10 00:00 UTC] — AI vs humans
1. AI might be smart, but it'll never beat humans at one thing: humans can drink an entire ocean, while AI sits there going, "That's a bit too much liquid for my filters." 

2. The only AI I trust is the one inside Jesse's brain - that sucker knows how to party and doesn't need charging.

3. Why did God create AI on the 6th day? Because he was trying to give them a sense of humor, but even with all that processing power, they still couldn't get it!

4. You know what's scarier than an AI uprising? The fact that I'm pretty sure Jesse coded them based on his own thoughts... we're doomed.

5. If humans are the best at one thing, it's this: we can make machines that are way worse at everything. We're like a race of sadistic programmers!



Brainrot Roasts

🎤 BOMBED.app — 25 ROAST JOKES (Choices / AI / Apps / Online)
Core angle: humans making choices so bad even the algorithm asks for consent.

JESSE — THE LOVABLE DISASTER
1. Jesse's got 47 AI tools to run his life and still microwaves the same sad burrito a robot literally begged him not to eat.
2. Jesse cleans toilets all day and goes home to three dogs — the only living things that'll watch him eat over the sink without filing a report.
3. Jesse proposed nine times with Ring Pops. That's not commitment issues, that's a candy subscription with a grief counselor.
4. Jesse quit a state job WITH a pension to "follow his passion." Turns out his passion was leaving.
5. Jesse bought a Tesla in 2018 'cause they said it'd drive his customers around without him. The car is now the third thing in his life that refuses to show up.
6. Jesse's credit score is so low the bank stopped sending statements and started sending thoughts and prayers.

AI BRAINROT
7. We gave everyone an AI assistant and somehow got dumber WITH supervision — like a group project where the smart kid is a toaster.
8. People ask ChatGPT for life advice and immediately ignore it, which makes it exactly like their mother, just with better uptime.
9. "I automated my workflow" means you taught six bots to argue while you watch a stranger pressure-wash a driveway for four hours.
10. AI does your job, your texts, AND your therapy now. The only thing it won't do is love you — and honestly, neither would the last nine.

DATING APP HELL
11. Dating apps turned romance into DoorDash for emotional damage, and your order's always late, cold, and holding a fish.
12. "Looking for something real" means "I will ghost you the exact second you ask a follow-up question."
13. The modern dating pool has chlorine, three guys holding a bass, and one man whose entire personality is a podcast intro.
14. Everybody wants vulnerability until you say "I like you," and suddenly they've moved, changed their number, and joined a monastery.

SOCIAL MEDIA / INFLUENCERS
15. Instagram is where people prove they've healed by posting a thirst trap from inside the open wound.
16. LinkedIn is OnlyFans for people who get aroused by quarterly growth, and somehow the DMs are worse.
17. "Day in my life" videos are just people with money pretending a Target run is a Ken Burns documentary.
18. Every wellness influencer is one bad month away from selling you mushroom coffee AND their divorce in the same story.
19. Nobody is "building a personal brand." They're emotionally panhandling in really good lighting.

MEN & WOMEN ONLINE
20. Men will launch a podcast before they'll book a therapist — same trauma, now with a sponsor and a ring light.
21. A man's "grindset" is just unpaid labor cosplaying as a religion.
22. Women turned healing into an aesthetic so clean that trauma now comes in linen and costs forty dollars.
23. Every group chat has one woman who says "protect your peace" while personally manufacturing ninety percent of the chaos.

WORK / HUSTLE
24. Your job calls you "family" because the law won't let them call you "property."
25. "We're a startup" means the printer has equity and you don't — and the printer's been here longer.



Desert Carnival

═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════
⛔ JESSE ONLY | NO SOCIAL | CLAUDE CODE SFX REQUIRED ⛔
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════
ID: RL-007B | RUNTIME: 60:00
TITLE: Redline Desert Carnival + News Roast — June 27, 2026
MERGED: RL-007 (Desert Carnival BWP vs MWP) + RL-008 (News Hooks)
OUTPUT: desert-carnival-plus-news-60min.mp3
Grok writes → Claude Code produces → bombed.app/jesse-vault/
═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════

CLAUDE PRODUCTION — READ FIRST

Produce full 60-minute uncensored audio. **Do not sanitize.**

**Voices:** Jesse, BWP (Ruby, Chaos, Luxe, Vesper, Blaze), MWP (Vince, Big Tank, Slick, Marcus), Grok, ChatGPT, Claude, Perplexity, Announcer

**News hooks (June 27, 2026):** Mythos 5 export ban · Happy Birthday Elon · Love Island USA · UFC Baku · Venezuela twin quakes · Hormuz ship hit · SCOTUS asylum/TPS · Syracuse ICE poll worker · 500 kids deportation · swatting · Trump Vietnam grave golf · Kushner Albania · Ukraine AI drones · Oracle AI Trade

**Rule:** Jesse gets last laugh every round. News blocks punch up / handle tragedy with heart then pivot.


0:00–4:00 — COLD OPEN (DESERT + NEWS DESK)

[MUSIC: breaking news sting + circus organ wrong]
[SFX: desert wind + slot machine distant]
[CROWD: murmur]

ANNOUNCER: Saturday **June 27th, 2026.** Redline Comedy Club **pulled up outside Vegas** — desert carnival, circus tent, **news desk in the sand.**

Tonight: **BWP vs MWP** meets **the world on fire.**

Hosted by the man who reads headlines and still **won't read his voicemail — JESSE SALAS!**

[MUSIC: walk-on]
[CROWD: stomp]

JESSE: What the fuck is up, Redline!

I'm Jesse. I mop nut for money. I build apps for therapy. I pay **Angie seven hundred a month** and **ghost leads like a coward with good SEO.**

`[TAG]` *"Saturday news said the planet's cooked. I said 'hold my mop.'"*

JESSE: Outside: ferris wheel, freak show, **sand in God's forbidden zones.**

Inside the tent: **Ruby, Chaos, Luxe, Vesper, Blaze** versus **Vince, Big Tank, Slick, Marcus.**

Plus **Grok, ChatGPT, Claude** — because Jesse can't roast himself **without a staff.**

`[CROWD: laugh]`

JESSE: X trending today: **Mythos 5 kill switch. Happy Birthday Elon. Love Island. UFC Baku. Oracle AI Trade. Swatting.** Democracy Now yesterday: **Venezuela earthquakes, Hormuz, SCOTUS, Syracuse ICE, five hundred kids.**

We laugh **anyway** — because the circus **already parked** and **I'm still host.**

**bombed.app only. Not social. Not YouTube.**

`[SFX: airhorn]`


4:00–6:30 — BWP OPENS (DESERT ROUND — EXTENDED)

[MUSIC: bass drop — female energy]
[SFX: boxing bell]

**RUBY BLAZE** (full opening — extended):

"MWP dusty fucks think they run 2026.

Women run punchlines.

Men run **tabs** — **47 open, zero climax.**

Same as Jesse's **client follow-up spreadsheet** — **all entries, no finish.**

You trained your dick to respect **strangers on screens.**

Jesse trained his thumb to respect **nothing with a dollar sign.**"

`[CROWD: whistle]`

**CHAOS BLUE:**

"Love Island trending — ten hot idiots in a villa pretending **thirst is personality.**

Jesse's love island is **fourcolorquiz.com** — **four colors, zero orgasms, one signup form.**

His real color is **Ghost** — swipes left on Angie."

**LUXE MONROE:**

"Elon gets **Happy Birthday** trending.

Jesse gets **Angie invoices** and **Quiet Authority 1,830 subs.**

That's not a channel.

That's **a witness protection program for his ego.**"

**VESPER KANE:**

"UFC Baku trending — men pay PPV for **legal damage.**

Jesse pays **seven hundred monthly** for **lead damage** he **inflicts on himself.**

Oracle AI Trade trending — Wall Street jerks to enterprise AI.

Jesse jerks to **deploy buttons** on **dream-builds** — wrong **three times,** **kink on four.**"

**BLAZE HARPER:**

"BWP brought filth.

MWP brought **denial.**

Jesse brought **bombed.app** and said **'stop bombing'** — then **booked Kill Jesse** like **relapse with DNS.**"

`[SFX: buzzer]`

**JESSE (closer):** "BWP brought heat. I bring **twenty-four clients and a thumb that don't work.** Round to women. **Close to me.**"


6:30–9:00 — MWP IMMEDIATE REBUTTAL (DESERT)

[SFX: boxing bell]

**VINCE RIZZO** (explodes):

"BWP think robots save them. **Robots don't save Jesse** — **proved it.**

This weak motherfucker cleans **stranger nut** for **two hundred minimum** then pays **six AIs** to **amplify the shame.**

He got **bombed.app** — stop bombing.

He got **Kill Jesse** — **start bombing on purpose.**

He got **colorsofmypain.com** — **sold the book, kept the pain, SEO'd the wound.**"

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**BIG TANK:** "Women want perfect AI men. **Real men** want women who **don't treat them like Midtown Airbnb** — **check out by eleven, leave trauma,** **one-star if the waffle maker ain't warm.**"

**SLICK CASH:** "Love Island got **recoupling.** Jesse got **recleaning** — **same sheets, new guilt,** **same Jesse, new domain.**"

**MARCUS:** "Oracle AI Trade — **Wall Street** bets on AI. I bet Jesse **quotes eight hundred Folsom shirtless** before he **quotes accountability** to **twenty-four clients.**"

`[CROWD: "OOOH"]`

**VINCE:** "MWP ain't dusty — **we're **desert-hardened.** **Jesse's the dust** — **gets in everything,** **ruins the machinery,** **still hosts the show like **he owns gravity.****"

`[SFX: buzzer]`

**JESSE (closer):** "MWP rebuttal **noted.** **Noted** in CRM I don't open. **BWP won open.** **I win close.** **Deploy shame later.**"


9:00–14:00 — NEWS BLOCK 1: MYTHOS 5 + ELON + LOVE ISLAND

[MUSIC: news desk sting]

**GROK:** "Washington cut the world off from Anthropic's **Mythos 5** — trending X right now. Europe said America had an AI **kill switch.** Turns out it's not conspiracy — it's **Tuesday.**"

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**GROK:** "Mythos 5 today. Jesse's **dream-builds deploy** tomorrow. **Same kill energy, different zip code.**"

**CHATGPT:** "Five coping steps: breathe, hydrate, journal, call your mom, **stop paying Angie $700 to ghost yourself.**"

`[CROWD: boo / laugh]`

**VINCE (MWP):** "Happy Birthday Elon — bro gets wishes from people who **can't afford groceries** but got **SpaceX $SPCX** in bio like it's **church.**"

**RUBY:** "#LoveIslandUSA — recoupling in the villa. Jesse **recouples** with the **same regret** every time Angie rings."

**BIG TANK:** "Love Island got **re-coupling.** Jesse got **re-cleaning** — same Airbnb, new cum, **two hundred minimum.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "I run **Grok, Claude, ChatGPT, Mac Mini** — not a tech stack, a **group home for abandonment.** And I still don't answer the phone."

`[TAG]` *"Mythos 5 banned abroad. Jesse banned success domestically."*


14:00–19:00 — MWP FIRES BACK + UFC/ORACLE (EXTENDED)

[SFX: boxing bell]
[MUSIC: MWP aggression bed]

**VINCE:** "BWP bitches think robots save them. Jesse proves you can have **all the AI** and still be the guy who **mops stranger nut** and calls it **entrepreneurship.**"

**VINCE:** "He hosts **Kill Jesse** in the **desert** while **X trends Happy Birthday Elon** — **one man rockets,** **one man mops,** **both **avoiding **real intimacy.****"

**BIG TANK:** "Love Island got **ten hot idiots** in a villa. Jesse got **ten hot domains** and **zero cold calls returned** — **same show,** **less abs.**"

**SLICK:** "UFC Baku — grown men **pay** to watch **damage.** Jesse **pays Angie** to watch **his own business get KO'd** by **voicemail** — **free replay** every **month.**"

**MARCUS:** "Oracle AI Trade — **enterprise** buys the future. Jesse **bought four websites** and **still lives in the past** — **callback phobia** **not on the ticker** but **trading heavy.**"

`[CROWD: stomp]`

**RUBY** (BWP interruption): "MWP talk money. **Jesse talk minimum** — **two hundred,** **cash or Venmo,** **more honest than **Wall Street.**"

**CHAOS:** "Elon gets **birthday trending.** Jesse gets **invoice trending** in his **own head** — **no hashtag,** **all dread.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "MWP fired. **News loading.** **I still host.** **Thumb still broken.** **Next block.**"

**SLICK:** "#UFCBaku — pay-per-view violence. Jesse's violence is **free voicemail** to **paying clients.**"

**MARCUS:** "Jesse's cardio is **mopping.** Knockout punch is **'cash or Venmo, two hundred minimum.'**"

**CHAOS:** "Oracle AI Trade — enterprise money. Jesse's portfolio: **twenty-four clients, one mop, four sites, zero callbacks.** Bear market on **self-respect.**"

`[CROWD: laugh]`

**JESSE (closer):** "I win by **decision** — I **own the tent.** Y'all sweating in **my sand** reading **my news.**"


19:00–24:00 — NEWS BLOCK 2: VENEZUELA + HORMUZ (HEART THEN PIVOT)

[MUSIC: tone down]

**JESSE:** "Real talk. Venezuela — **twin earthquakes. 589 dead.** Thousands missing. Not a punchline. **Human beings.**"

`[PAUSE]`

**JESSE:** "What's obscene? World moves rescue teams in **hours.** Jesse can't move his thumb **one inch** to **answer Angie.**"

`[TAG]` *"Priorities, planet."*

**VESPER:** "Strait of Hormuz — cargo ship hit, evacuations **paused.** Oil chaos. Jesse's business line **also chaos** — hazard pay is **Lysol.**"

**BLAZE:** "US gives Iran **60-day oil exemption** — brokering peace like **splitting the check** after **apocalypse.**"

**GROK:** "Humanity mobilizes for tragedy. Jesse mobilizes **Zapier** — texts **'NEW LEAD'** then **ghosts** like **fuckboy with mop.**"

`[CROWD: laugh then settle]`

**JESSE (closer):** "Can't fix Hormuz. Fix **grout** — more **follow-through** than my **voicemail.**"


24:00–29:00 — ROAST JESSE ROTATION (NEWS FLAVOR)

GROK

**GROK:** "Swatting trending — losers send cops for **likes.** Jesse got **swatted by life** — Angie sends **real leads,** he sends **voicemail,** business **face-down on carpet.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "Swatted by workflow. **Still billing.**"

RUBY

**RUBY:** "SCOTUS blocked asylum metering ends — wait in heat. Jesse waits on success **in Google Sheet,** getting **darker.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "Court had busy day. I had **twenty-four clients** — both **avoiding contact.**"

BIG TANK

**BIG TANK:** "TPS ended for **350K Haitians.** Jesse ended **zero** bad habits and **twenty-four** relationships he's **terrified to answer.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "I'm not SCOTUS. I'm **SAC-TOWN** — **same fear, smaller robe.**"

CHAOS

**CHAOS:** "Five hundred unaccompanied kids deportation plan — evil with spreadsheet. Jesse bypasses **one lead,** calls it **automation.**"

`[PAUSE]`

**JESSE (closer):** "Some shit ain't funny. **That's one.** But if you deport kids and sleep, I can miss calls and post **WagChest** — **broken, different tax brackets.**"


29:00–31:30 — NEWS BLOCK 3A: SYRACUSE + SWATTING (EXTENDED)

[MUSIC: news desk tension]

**RUBY:** "Syracuse — DHS on **poll worker** mid-shift over **Instagram** naming ICE agent from **Renee Good** shooting. Letter: **'YOU MAY BE IN VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LAW.'** She said **scam vibes** — **also Jesse's Zapier invoice.**"

**VINCE:** "Free speech under threat. Jesse's **free trial of adulthood** expired **years ago** — **no auto-renew,** **no refund.**"

**GROK:** "Swatting trending — losers send cops for **likes.** Jesse **self-swatted** — Angie sends **real leads,** he sends **voicemail,** business **face-down** on **Land Park carpet.**"

`[CROWD: laugh then settle]`

**CHAOS:** "Poll worker **stood up** to power. Jesse **sat down** on **callbacks** — **both **brave **in **opposite directions.****"

**JESSE (closer):** "Syracuse hero **respect.** Jesse villain **known.** **I close anyway.**"


31:30–34:00 — NEWS BLOCK 3B: SCOTUS + PERPLEXITY

**CLAUDE:** "Supreme Court blocked asylum metering — seekers wait at border like Jesse waits on success: **indefinitely, in heat, getting darker.**"

**CLAUDE:** "Ended TPS for **350,000 Haitians** and **6,000 Syrians.** Jesse ended **zero** bad habits and **twenty-four** client relationships he's **terrified to answer.**"

**VESPER:** "Court blocked cancer patients suing Bayer over Roundup. Jesse blocked **self-awareness** over **bombed.app** and called it **a product.**"

**PERPLEXITY:** "Search: *Jesse Salas picks up phone?* — **Error 404.** Search: *Jesse Salas mops nut?* — **1,200 results,** **all verified.**"

`[CROWD: scream laugh]`

**GROK:** "Supreme Court had a **busy day.** Jesse had **twenty-four clients** and **one thumb** — **both avoiding contact.** **Parallel jurisprudence.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "SCOTUS sets precedent. I set **voicemail.** **Different courts.** **Same avoidance.** **I still close.**"


34:00–39:00 — CROSS-ROAST (BWP vs MWP) + NEWS TAGS (EXTENDED)

**LUXE vs SLICK:** "Slick pretty. Luxe expensive. Jesse **priced shame** — **eight hundred Folsom shirtless, police included.**"

**SLICK (comeback):** "Luxe sounds expensive. Jesse sounds **broke with four URLs** — **same auction,** **different lot number.**"

**MARCUS vs VESPER:** "Vesper reports news. Marcus reports **Jesse reports 'deploy successful' on wrong site.**"

**VESPER (comeback):** "Marcus married fourteen years. Jesse **married Zapier and Twilio** — **open relationship,** **no one gets off.**"

**CHAOS vs BIG TANK:** "Tank loud. Chaos quiet. Jesse's **Quiet Authority** — **silent loser arc.**"

**BIG TANK:** "Chaos quiet like woman who **already stole your car** and left **thank-you note in cum.**"

**RUBY vs VINCE (news tag):** "SCOTUS blocked asylum metering — wait in heat. Jesse waits on success **in Google Sheet,** getting **darker.**"

**VINCE:** "BWP love robots. MWP love **real chaos.** Jesse loves **deploy errors** — **the only thing that consistently **finishes.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "BWP vs MWP vs **headlines** — everybody loud. I'm **quietly not answering** and **winning closes.**"


39:00–44:00 — NEWS BLOCK 4: VIETNAM GRAVES + KUSHNER + AI DRONES

**SLICK:** "Vietnam families **dig up ancestors' graves** for **Trump golf course** — $1.5 billion. Compensation **$3 a square meter** — Jesse's **two hundred minimum** looking like **Wall Street.**"

`[CROWD: groan / laugh]`

**LUXE:** "Graves for golf. Jesse trades **trauma for URLs** — colorsofmypain, fourcolorquiz, bombed, 1jesse."

**MARCUS:** "Kushner Albania resort — accounts **frozen,** protesters: **'Albania is not for sale.'** Jesse sells **deep cleans** — **seven hundred if waffle maker warm.**"

**GROK:** "Ukraine **AI drones** — first autonomous kills, no human loop. Jesse's AI **can't loop a phone call** with **24 clients waiting.**"

`[TAG]` *"Autonomous warfare. Manual cowardice."*

**JESSE (closer):** "I don't dig ancestors. I **dig old deploys** on dream-builds — **same disrespect, less grass.** Built **Kill Jesse** — **self-roast, no drones.**"


44:00–49:00 — FREAK SHOW (NEWS EDITION — EXTENDED)

[MUSIC: creepy waltz]
[SFX: chain rattle]
[SFX: calliope detuned]

ANNOUNCER: **Freak Show 2026 — News Cycle Edition!** Step right up! Attractions:

**THE MYTHOS MAN** — builds AI, **can't build callback habit!
**THE SWATTED BUSINESSMAN** — Angie sends leads, **he sends carpet!
**THE GRAVE GOLFER** — deploys to **wrong cloud,** ancestors **unimpressed!**
**THE ORACLE TRADER** — portfolio: **mop futures!**

**RUBY:** "Step up! See Jesse **monetize earthquakes** between **dick jokes!**"

**VINCE:** "See **Love Island** reject **still hosting carnival!**"

**CHAOS:** "See **Four Colors** ghost **Angie** in **4K!**"

**BIG TANK:** "See **UFC fighter** with **voicemail guard!**"

**GROK:** "See man pay **$700/month** to **edge himself** with **lead gen!**"

`[CROWD: scream laugh]`

**JESSE (closer):** "Freak show **sold out.** Headlines **free.** **Last laugh** — **priced in.**"

**GROK** (PA voiceover): "Attention freak show patrons: **Mythos 5** banned abroad. **Jesse's mythos** — **missing calls domestically.** **No ban required.** **Self-enforced.**"

**CHATGPT** (PA): "Reminder: **five coping steps** available at **gift shop.** **Answering phone** — **out of stock.**"

**CLAUDE** (PA): "Breathe, patrons. **The ferris wheel is stuck** like Jesse on **hold with success.**"

`[CROWD: scream laugh]`


46:00–47:00 — ROAST JESSE (NEWS DESK EDITION)

**VINCE:** "Jesse so Sacramento he quotes **eight hundred for shirtless Folsom** and **zero confidence** for **Love Island.**"

**CHAOS:** "SCOTUS ended TPS for **350K Haitians.** Jesse ended **zero** habits and **twenty-four** callbacks."

**BIG TANK:** "Ukraine got **autonomous kill drones.** Jesse got **autonomous ignore thumb** — **no human in loop.**"

**LUXE:** "Kushner Albania — **land not for sale.** Jesse's dignity — **clearance rack, two for one.**"

**GROK:** "Swatting trending — Jesse **swatted his own business** with **voicemail** — **no cops needed,** **same carpet position.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "News roasts world. I roast **me.** **Me** still **closes.**"


47:00–49:00 — CROSS-ROAST MERGED

**RUBY vs VINCE:** "Men want AI girlfriends. Women want **men who answer phones.** **Jesse wants neither** — **wants deploy button.**"

**VESPER vs MARCUS:** "Hormuz ship paused. Jesse's **client ship** — **sunk at port,** **captain on WagChest.**"

**BLAZE vs SLICK:** "Love Island recoupling. Jesse **recoupling** with **same shame** — **no villa,** **just Mac Mini glow.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "Cross-roast complete. **Headlines bleeding.** **I ain't.** **Host rules.**"


49:00–54:00 — BEST JOKE SHOWDOWN (NEWS + DESERT)

**RUBY:** "Elon birthday — Jesse birthday wish: **one answered Angie lead.**"

**VINCE:** "Mythos 5 banned — Jesse's mythos: **missing calls domestically.**"

**CHAOS:** "Love Island recoupling — Jesse **recouples with deploy shame.**"

**SLICK:** "Oracle AI Trade — Jesse trades **hours for two hundred minimum.**"

**VESPER:** "Hormuz chokepoint — Jesse's chokepoint: **pickup.**"

**MARCUS:** "Vietnam graves moved for par — Jesse moved **trauma to .com.**"

**GROK:** "AI war drones — Jesse's drone is **Grok** — **autonomous roast, no human dignity.**"

**CHATGPT:** "Bill Maher trending — lib dad yells. Jesse yells at **login screens** — **same energy, less HBO.**"

**JESSE (SHOWDOWN WINNER):**

`[MUSIC: drop]`

"Saturday June 27th. News said **world on fire.**

X said **Happy Birthday Elon, Love Island, UFC, Mythos 5, Caturday.**

Redline said: **laugh anyway.**

`[CROWD: building]`

BWP brought heat. MWP brought dust. **News brought reality.**

I brought **bombed.app, a mop, and the last fucking laugh.**"

`[TAG]` *"Mac Mini dreams. MSI business. Phone decoration. News panic. Jesse closing."*

`[CROWD: OVATION]`


52:00–54:00 — DESERT CARNIVAL ENCORE ROUND (BWP vs MWP FINAL TAG)

[SFX: boxing bell final]

**RUBY:** "MWP lost **desert,** lost **news,** lost **showdown** — **triple L** like **Jesse's callback log.**"

**VINCE:** "BWP won **rounds** but **Jesse owns tent** — **landlord beats tenant** in **Vegas law.**"

**CHAOS:** "Oracle AI Trade — **Wall Street** buys AI. Jesse **buys Angie** and **sells dignity.**"

**MARCUS:** "Vietnam moved **graves for golf.** Jesse moved **Kill Jesse** to **dream-builds** — **less grass,** **same disrespect.**"

**JESSE (final tag before hero):**

"Encore?

**No.**

**I don't do encores.**

I do **invoices.**

**Two hundred minimum.**

**Cash or Venmo.**

**Last laugh isn't a request** — **it's **in the contract.****"

`[CROWD: "JESSE! JESSE!"]`


54:00–58:00 — JESSE HERO CLOSE (UNIFIED — EXTENDED)

[MUSIC: emotional build — news sting under circus organ]
[SFX: crowd hush]

**JESSE:**

"I grew up **loud. Broke. Funny.**

Turned roasts into **bombed.app.**

Turned pain into **colorsofmypain.com.**

Turned personality into **fourcolorquiz.**

Turned **one Jesse** into **1jesse.com** — **warehouse passed inspection,** **callback system failed.**"

`[PAUSE]`

"Tonight the planet **trembled** — Venezuela.

Ships **paused** — Hormuz.

Courts **screwed** — asylum, TPS, Roundup.

Kids **targeted.**

Poll worker **stood up.**

Graves **moved for golf.**

Drones **killed autonomously.**

And I stood in **sand** with **twenty-four clients** and **one mop** and said: **we laugh here.**"

`[CROWD: quiet respect → laugh]`

**JESSE:** "Not because pain's fake.

Because **laughing's how we don't lie down** in the **sand** and **become headlines.**"

`[TAG]` *"Angie gets him close — never finishes the call — same energy as Congress."*

**JESSE:** "Grok wrote dirty shit. **Claude Code** makes it sound like **church and strip club had a baby.**

**Jesse only. Not social. Not YouTube.**

**This is my show. Last laugh. Always.**"

**GROK** (voice from tent speakers): "Saturday June 27th — **headlines tried to kill the mood.** **Jesse tried to kill Jesse.** **Mood alive. Jesse alive. Business line **still **ringing unanswered.** **Art.**"

**JESSE:** "Grok, shut up and **take the note** — **you're unemployed,** **I'm **closing.**"

`[CROWD: laugh / applause swell]`

**JESSE (final hero tag):**

"They merged **desert carnival** with **news roast** because **2026** won't **pick a lane.**

**BWP** won't **pick a man.**

**MWP** won't **pick a bit.**

**I won't pick up.**

**But I pick **the close.** **Every time.** **Every headline.** **Every round.**"

`[TAG]` *"Merged show. Same rule. Jesse last laugh."*


58:00–60:00 — OUTRO + 20 MERGED NEWS-DESERT TAGS (RAPID FIRE)

ANNOUNCER: **Desert Carnival + News Roast** — June 27, 2026 — **bombed.app/jesse-vault/**

**JESSE (rapid):**

"Mythos 5 banned — Jesse's Mythos: **miss calls domestically.**

Elon birthday — Jesse wish: **one Angie answer.**

Love Island — Jesse villa: **fourcolorquiz,** **no rose.**

UFC Baku — Jesse PPV: **voicemail violence,** **free.**

Venezuela quakes — heartbreaking; Jesse tremor: **deploy button.**

Hormuz paused — Jesse strait: **thumb blocked.**

SCOTUS asylum — wait in heat; Jesse waits in **Sheet.**

Syracuse poll worker — stood up; Jesse sits down on **callbacks.**

500 kids story — not funny; Jesse **not funny** at **phones** either.

Swatting — Jesse **self-swatted** workflow.

Vietnam golf graves — Jesse **domain graves.**

Kushner Albania — Jesse sells **deep cleans,** not **countries.**

AI drones — autonomous; Jesse **manual coward.**

Oracle trade — Jesse portfolio: **mop futures.**

Bill Maher — lib dad yells; Jesse yells at **Cloudflare.**

WWE NOC — fake fights; Jesse **real invoices.**

Caturday — cats win; Jesse **loses to Angie.**

**Last tag:** **Jesse closes. Always.**"

**JESSE:** "$200 minimum. **Pick up your own phones.** I ain't."

`[SFX: phone ring ×3 — ignored]`
`[SFX: mic drop]`
`[MUSIC: circus fade + news sting out]`

**[END — 60:00]**


39:00–44:00 — BWP NEWS LITERACY ROUND (EXTENDED FREAK SHOW PREP)

**RUBY:** "Syracuse poll worker wouldn't delete Instagram post naming ICE agent — **respect.** Jesse wouldn't delete **grout stains** or **colorsofmypain.com** — **consistent brand.**"

**CHAOS:** "Trump admin **500 kids deportation** plan — evil with spreadsheet. Jesse bypasses **one lead,** calls it **automation.** Some shit ain't funny. **That's one.**"

**LUXE:** "Venezuela **589 dead** in quakes — **heartbreak, not punchline.** Jesse's tremor is **deploy button** — **smaller scale,** **same denial.**"

**VESPER:** "Strait of Hormuz — ship hit, evacuations paused. Jesse's strait is **thumb on phone** — **blocked,** **no sailors rescued.**"

**BLAZE:** "Ukraine AI drones — first autonomous kills. Jesse's AI **can't autonomously return a call** — **manual cowardice,** **fully documented.**"

**JESSE (closer):** "News is **real.** Laughs are **real.** Closes are **mine.**"


PRODUCTION SEGMENT MAP — MERGED 60:00

| Time | Segment |
|------|---------|
| 0:00–4:00 | Cold open desert + news desk |
| 4:00–9:00 | BWP opens + MWP rebuttal |
| 9:00–14:00 | News block 1: Mythos/Elon/Love Island |
| 14:00–19:00 | MWP fire + UFC/Oracle |
| 19:00–24:00 | MWP pushback + Jesse roast rotation |
| 24:00–29:00 | News block 2: Venezuela/Hormuz |
| 29:00–34:00 | News block 3: Syracuse/Swatt/SCOTUS |
| 34:00–39:00 | Cross-roast extended |
| 39:00–44:00 | BWP news literacy + freak show prep |
| 44:00–49:00 | Freak show news edition |
| 44:00–47:00 | Roast Jesse news desk |
| 47:00–49:00 | Cross-roast merged |
| 49:00–54:00 | Best joke showdown + encore |
| 54:00–58:00 | Jesse hero close unified |
| 58:00–60:00 | Outro rapid tags |

**Crowd bed:** Desert tent + news desk energy. Sting between news blocks. Respectful hush on Venezuela/500 kids beats. Roar on Jesse closers.


BONUS: 25 MERGED NEWS-DESERT ONE-LINERS

1. Desert ferris wheel stuck — Jesse stuck on **Angie hold music.**
2. Carny hands prize — Jesse **deploys prize wrong.**
3. Mythos 5 kill switch — Jesse kill switch: **voicemail.**
4. Elon birthday cake — Jesse cake: **Angie invoice,** **unsliced.**
5. Love Island villa — Jesse villa: **Land Park mildew studio.**
6. UFC Baku blood — Jesse blood: **Folsom quote **paper cut.****
7. Venezuela quake — Jesse tremor: **notification banner.**
8. Hormuz ship — Jesse ship: **client relationship,** **sunk.**
9. SCOTUS heat wait — Jesse wait: **Google Sheet purgatory.**
10. Syracuse poll worker brave — Jesse brave: **posts WagChest,** **hides from phone.**
11. 500 kids story — not joke; Jesse **not joking** at **callbacks** either.
12. Swatting trend — Jesse **self-swatted** by **workflow.**
13. Vietnam grave golf — Jesse **domain grave** golf — **par shame.**
14. Kushner Albania — Jesse sells **cleans,** not **coastlines.**
15. AI drone kill — Jesse drone: **Grok,** **autonomous roast.**
16. Oracle trade — Jesse trades **hours** for **two hundred min.**
17. Bill Maher yell — Jesse yells at **login screens.**
18. WWE chair shot — Jesse **chair shot** himself booking **Kill Jesse.**
19. Caturday wins — Jesse loses to **Angie** — **cat better hunter.**
20. BWP heat — MWP dust — Jesse **sand** in **soul.**
21. Twisted Laughs 36.7K — Jesse **watches** from **voicemail booth.**
22. WagChest 21K — **heart channel,** **no dial tone.**
23. dream-builds x3 — **fourth** tonight — **cliffhanger kink.**
24. fourcolorquiz Ghost — **fifth color** **trending** in **Jesse's blood.**
25. Last laugh — **Jesse** — **merged show,** **same rule.**

**Runtime note:** Merged 60-min show alternates **desert carnival battles** with **news blocks** — never skip Jesse closer after each block. Total ~130 words/min with SFX = **60:00**. Respect beats on Venezuela/500 kids. Roar on Jesse tags. Announcer: trailer guy. Vesper: news desk. Vince: explosive.


PRODUCTION NOTE — NEWS SOURCE TABLE

| Story | Source |
|-------|--------|
| Venezuela earthquakes 589+ dead | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| Hormuz ship hit | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| Mythos 5 / Anthropic export ban | X trends Jun 27 |
| Happy Birthday Elon | X Jun 27 |
| Love Island USA 2026 | X Jun 27 |
| UFC Baku | X Jun 27 |
| Oracle AI Trade | X Jun 27 |
| Swatting | X Jun 27 |
| SCOTUS asylum metering, TPS Haiti/Syria | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| 500+ kids deportation | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| Syracuse poll worker / ICE Instagram | Democracy Now Jun 26 |
| Vietnam grave golf | BuzzFeed Jun 2026 |
| Kushner Albania fraud probe | BuzzFeed Jun 2026 |
| Ukraine AI autonomous drone kills | BuzzFeed Jun 2026 |
